N ----------------------------------------------------------------------- NAMES ----- 1) Marie-Joseph? It's a LOVELY name! It just sounds silly, that's all. - Dame Edna Everage 2) Now why did you name your baby John? Every Tom, Dick, and Harry is names 'John'. - Sam Goldwyn NUDITY ------ - The difference when men and women walk around the house nude, is that men don't hide all the mirrors. - Richard McRae 1) Don't miss our show! Six beautiful dancing girls! Five beautiful costumes! - Poster outside nightclub 2) If God had wanted us to walk around naked, we would have been born that way. - Anon 3) The trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does. - Robert Helpmann 4) I'm not AGAINST half-naked girls - not as often as I'd like to be... - Benny Hill **************************************************************** O ----------------------------------------------------------------------- OBCENITY -------- 1) Obscenity is whatever gives a judge an erection. - Anon 2) Under certain circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer. - Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) OFFICE ------ - Be sure to train new secretaries well. For instance, hyphenation is a very important lesson. If dictating a letter to your secretary, she should never hyphenate the word therapist as the-rapist, it looks bad to clients. - Richard McRae - It is also important to be careful with puncuation. For example: BOSS: I am sending you a new copy of the memo, please destroy your original and your secretaries. MAN: I have followed your orders. I am now waiting on the new memo and two new secretaries. - Richard McRae 1) BOSS: How many people work in your office? DEPT. HEAD: About half of them, sir. - Gyles Brandreth OLD AGE ------- 1) DOCTOR: You're going to live to be eighty. PATIENT: I AM eighty! DOCTOR: What did I tell you? - Anon 2) We think he's dead, but we're afraid to ask. - Anon 3) I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don't want to do them. - Nancy Astor 4) I will never be an old man. To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am. - Bernard Baruch 5) I don't feel eighty. In fact, I don't feel ANYTHING before noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope 6) You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake. - Bob Hope OPERA ----- 1) An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world requires that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English speaking audiences. - Edith Wharton ORPHANS ------- 1) At six I was left an orphan. What on earth is a six-year-old supposed to do with an orphan? - Anon 2) Gertrude De-Mondmorenci McFiggin had mnown neither father nor mother. They had both died years before she was born. - Stephen Leacock **************************************************************** P ----------------------------------------------------------------------- PACIFISM -------- 1) Join the Army, see the world, meet interesting people - and kill them. - Pacifist badge 2) Sometime they'll give a war and nobody will come. - Carl Sandburg PARANOIA -------- 1) Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they're not out to get you. - Anon 2) I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He told me not to be ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet. - Rodney Dangerfield. PARENTHOOD ---------- 1) Parenthood: that state of being better chaperoned than you were before marriage. - Marcelene Cox 2) The first half of our life is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children. - Clarence Darrow 3) I have found that the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they like, then advise them to do it. - Harry S. Truman 4) To lose one parent...may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks a little like carelessness. - Oscar Wilde PARTIES ------- 1) ERIC:It was a gay nineties party. It was terrible. ERNIE: Why was that? ERIC: All the men were gay and all the women were ninety. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise PAST ---- 1) Nothing is more responsible for the good old days than a bad memory. - Franklin P. Adams 2) The instant past is as past as slightly pregnant is pregnant! - Michael Frayn PETTING ------- - I really don't understand the fuss about having sex in the back of a car. It's like being shoved into a refridgerator box and told to dance. - Richard McRae 1) ...he twisted my nipples as though tuning a radio. - Lisa Alther 2) The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk of a Dodge Dart. - Lisa Alther 3) Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy. - Groucho Marx PHILOSOPHY ---------- - The only thing more annoying than someone with no philosophies is someone who wants to share their philosophies with you. - Richard McRae 1) What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet. - Woody Allen 2) There is no record in human history of a happy philosopher. - H.L. Mencken 3) A Chinaman of the T'ang Dynasty - and by which definition, a philosopher - dreamed he was a butterfly. And from that moment on he was never quite sure that he was not a butterfly dreaming it was a Chinese philosopher. - Tom Stoppard PLAGIARISM ---------- 1) If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism. If you steal from many, it's research. - Wilson Mizner 2) Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal. - Lionel Trilling POETS AND POETRY ---------------- - All men, when they think they are in love, become poets. And all men, when they are no longer in love, burn their poems. - Richard McRae - There is nothing more embarassing than convincing someone to read one of your poems. Then, a couple of months later, you read it again and realize how terrible it is. - Richard McRae 1) Little Mary from Boston, Mass. Stepped into water up to her...ankles. It doesn't rhyme now, But wait till the tide comes in. - Graffito POLICE ------ 1) Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? - Spile Milligan POLITICS -------- 1) It is a good thing to follow the First Law of Holes; if you are in a hole, stop digging. - Denis Healey 2) Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there's no river. - Nikita Krushchev 3) Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and stupid enough to think it's important. - Eugene McCarthy 4) The most successful politician is he who says what everybody is thinking most often and in the loudest voice. - Theodore Roosevelt THE POPE -------- 1) It often happens that I wake at night and begin to think about a serious problem and decide I must tell the Pope about it. Then I wake up completely and remember that I AM the Pope. - Pope John XXIII POPULARITY ---------- 1) Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. - Mimi Pond PORNOGRAPHY ----------- 1) Pornography is in the groin of the beholder. - Anon 2) The Citizens' Committee to Clean Up New York's Porn-Infested Areas continued its series of rallies today, as a huge, throbbing , pulsating crowd sprang erect from nowhere and forced its way into the steaming nether region surrounding the glistening, sweaty intersection of Eight Avenue and Forty-Second Street. Thrusting, driving, pushing its way into the usually receptive neighborhood, the excited throng, now grown to five times its original size, rammed itself again and again and again into the quivering, perspiring, musty dankness, fluctuating between eager anticipation and trembling revulsion. Now, suddenly, the tumescent crowd and the irresistible area were one heaving, alternately melting and thawing turgid entity, ascending to heights heretofore unexperienced. Then, with a gigan- tic, soul-searching, heart-stopping series of eruptions, it was over. The crowd had a cigarette and went home. - 'Weekend Update', Saturday Night Live POVERTY ------- 1) The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all of your time. - Willem de Kooning 2) I used to think I was poor. Then they told me I wasn't poor, I was needy. Then they told me it was self-defeating to think of myself as needy. I was deprived. Then they told me that underprivileged was overused. I was disadvantaged. I still don't have a dime. But I have a great vocabulary. - Jules Feiffer 3) He couldn't even afford to buy his little boy a yo-yo for Christman. He just managed to get him a yo. - Max Kauffmann 4) We who are liberal and progressive know that the poor are our equals in every sense except that of being equal to us. - Lionel Trilling PRAISE ------ 1) Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt. - Kin Hubbard 2) When the Gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. - Oscar Wilde PREGNANCY --------- - NEVER tell a pregnant woman that she has done a good job at filling her maternity clothes out. - John Hiskey - When you are in the birthing room with a woman who is about to give birth, it is never a good idea to look at the contraction monitor and say, 'Hey, watch out honey, here comes a BIG ONE!' - Richard McRae 1) A woman who took the pill with a glass of pond water has been diagnosed as being three months stagnant. - The Two Ronnies 2) GIRL: Mother, I'm afraid I'm pregnant. MOTHER: Are you sure it's yours? - Anon THE PRESIDENCY -------------- 1) Ronald Reagan doesn't dye his hair, he's just prematurely orange. - Anon 2) If presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to their country. - Mel Brooks PROBLEMS -------- 1) There's no problem so big or complicated that it can't be run away from. - Anon PROGRESS -------- 1) Carnation Milk is the best in the land; Here I sit with a can in my hand - No tits to pull, no hay to pitch, You just punch a hole in the son of a bitch - Anon 2) My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget this big. It does everything that my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one. - Woody Allen PROHIBITION ----------- 1) Once, during the prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. - W.C. Fields 2) Prohibition makes you want to cry into your beer, Then it denies you the beer to cry into. - Don Marquis 3) The South is dry and will vote dry. That is, everybody sober enough to stagger to the polls will. - Will Rogers PROMISCUITY ----------- 1) 'Has it ever occured to you that in your promiscuous pursuit of women you are merely trying to assuage your subconcious fears of sexual impotence?' 'Yes, sir, it has.' 'Then why do you do it?' 'To assuage my fears of sexual impotence.' - Joseph Heller 2) What is a promscuous person? It is someone who is getting more sex than you are. - Victor Lownes 3) You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to your grave in a V-shaped coffin. - Joe Orton 4) The girl speaks eighteen languages and can't say no in any of them. - Dorothy Parker 5) I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. - Mae West PROPOSALS --------- 1) HE: I'd like to marry your daughter. FATHER: Have you seen my wife yet? HE: Yes, I have. But I still prefer your daughter. - Anon 2) FATHER: The man who marries my daughter will get a prize. CLAUD: Can I see the prize first? - Gyles Brandreth 3) Before I was married I was courting my wife ten years. Before I was married. Then I went round to see her father. And I looked straight at him. He said,'What do you want?' I said, 'I've been courting your daughter for ten years.' He said,'So what?' I said, 'I want to marry her.' He said, 'I thought you wanted a pension.' He said, 'If you marry my daughter, I'll give you three acres and a cow.' You're quite right, quite right. I'm still waiting for the three acres. - Max Miller PROSTITUTION ------------ - I saw a kissing booth at a school fundraiser. All of the cheerleaders were dressed in skimpy clothing and charging young men to kiss them. It was a very good example of state-sponsored prostitution. If the cheerleaders can charge, why can't everyone else? - Richard McRae 1) The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less. - Brendan Francis 2) Prostitution gives her an opportunity to meet people. It provides fresh air and wholesome exercise, and it keeps her out of trouble. - Joseph Heller PSYCHIATRY ---------- 1) You go to a psychiatrist when you're slightly cracked and keep going until your broke. - Anon 2) Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. - Samuel Goldwyn PSYCHOLOGY ---------- 1) The difference between a conjuror and a psychologist is that one pulls rabbits out of a hat while the other pulls habits out of a rat. - Anon 2) Did you hear what the white rat said to the other white rat? ...I've got that psychologist so well trained that every time I ring a bell he brings me something to eat. - David Mercer PUNCTUALITY ----------- 1) Punctuality is something that, if you have it, there's often no one around to share it with you. - Anon 2) Punctuality: the art of guessing correctly how late the other party is going to be. - P.C.F. 3) I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them. - E.V. Lucas 4) I've been on a calendar, but never on time. - Marilyn Monroe 5) The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it. - Harold Rome