K ----------------------------------------------------------------------- KIDNAPPING ---------- - I was kidnapped once, they brought me back 3 hours later. - Richard McRae 1) When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room. - Woody Allen KISSING ------- - Kissing, if it is done right, is a wholly enjoyable experience. But if it is done wrong, then it is nothing more than a wet, sloppy tongue exercise. - Richard McRae - I used to like meeting a girl who was a good kisser, but then I thought; 'How did she get to be a good kisser?' - Richard McRae 1) It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner. - Ladies Home Journal 2) We did one of those quick, awkward kisses where each of you gets a nose in the eye. - Clive James KNOWLEDGE --------- - Knowledge is important, but not nearly as important as wisdom. - Richard McRae 1) It ain't what a man don't know that makes him a fool, but what he does know that ain't so. - Josh Billings **************************************************************** L ----------------------------------------------------------------------- LANGUAGE -------- 1) BROOKS (as 2,000 year old man): We spoke Rock. Basic Rock...Two hundred years before Hebrew, there was the Rock language. Or Rock talk. REINER (as interviewer): Could you give us an example of that? BROOKS: Yes. 'Hey, don't throw that rock at me! What are you doing with that rock? Put down that rock!' - Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner 2) Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently. - Spike Milligan LAUGHTER -------- - I love jokes, I think they are the greatest invention of man. But this does NOT include puns. I believe that anyone who thinks puns are funny should be banished, and anyone who tells them should be shot. - Richard McRae 1) Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot. - Josh Billings 2) I suppose one of the reasons why I grew up feeling the need to cause laughter was perpetual fear of being its unwitting object. - Clive James LAW --- - Courtrooms are no longer a place of justice, they are more of a movie studio. Each lawyer uses whatever showmanship that he can to impress the jury, and the jury decides which one puts on the best performance. This is our legal system. - Richard McRae 1) COUNSEL: Have you any idea what your defence is going to be? DEFENDANT: Well, I didn't do it, sir. COUNSEL: Yes, well, er, I think we can afford to fill that out a little. It's not in itself a cast-iron defense. DEFENDANT: Well, I didn't do it sir! I didn't do it! And if I did it, may God strike me dead on the spot, sir! COUNSEL: Well, we'll just give him a moment shall we... - Alan Bennett 2) LAWYER: And as a precedent, your honor, I offer a Perry Mason case first televised four years ago in which... - Chon Day 3) A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the best lawyer. - Robert Frost 4) JUDGE: Don't take that 'Judge not lest ye be judged' line with ME young man! - Gahan Wilson LAZY ---- 1) I've found a great way to start the day - I go straight back to bed! - Anon 2) The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves. W.C. Fields 3) Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen. - Spile Milligan 4) It is better to have loafed and lost, then never to have loafed at all. - James Thurber LEGS ---- 1) He told her her stockings were wrinkled. Trouble was, she wasn't wearing any. - Anon LETTERS ------- 1) The great secret in life...not to open your letter for a fortnight. At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have answered themselves. - Arthur Binstead 2) I found a letter to my sister the other day that I had forgotten to mail. It just needed a little updating to send. After 'the baby is...' I crossed out 'toilet trained' and wrote in 'graduating from high school this month.' - Erma Bombeck LIES ---- - A truth told with bad intent is worse than any lie you can invent. - Richard McRae 1) I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling falsehoods about us, I will stop telling the truth about them. - Adlai Stevenson 2) I was brought up in a clergyman's household, so I am a first-class liar. - Dame Sybil Thorndike LIFE ---- 1) Life is a wonderful thing to talk about, or to read about in history books, but it is terrible when one has to live it. - Jean Anouilh 2) Human life in mainly a process of filling in time until the arrival of Santa Claus or death... - Eric Berne 3) If you want my final opinion on the mystery of life and all that, I can give it to you in a nutshell. The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination. But the combination is locked up in the safe. - Peter De Vries 4) It's a funny old world, a man's lucky if he gets our alive. - W.C. Fields 5) When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?' - Sydney J. Harris 6) ...life is something you do when you can't get to sleep. - Fran Lebowitz 7) Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest. - Wilson Mizner LIMERICKS --------- 1) The limerick packs laughs anatomical Into space that is quite economical But the good ones I've seen So seldom are clean And the clean ones so seldom are comical - Anon 2) Most women loathe limericks, for the same reason that most calves loathe cookbooks. - Gershon Legman 3) The limerick, peculiar to English Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish Once Congress in session Decreed its suppression But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter. - Professor T.J. Spencer LOOKS ----- 1) As a beauty I'm not a great star, There are others more handsome by far, But my face I don't mind it Because I'm behind it - 'Tis the folks in the front that I jar - Anthony Euwer 2) Phyllis Diller had so many face lifts, there's nothing left in her shoes. - Bob Hope LOVE ---- - I look into her shining eyes With joy my soul trancends And then I wonder: 'Is it love? Or a shiny contact lens?' - Richard McRae - Love is like a poisened mushroom - you never know if it is the real thing until it is too late. - Richard McRae - Love may be blind, but it can sure find its way around in the dark! - Richard McRae - Puppy love - it is still real to the puppy. - Richard McRae 1) Love...the delightful interval between meeting a beautiful girl and discovering that she looks like a haddock. - John Barrymore 2) Love is like the measles - all the worse when it comes late in life. - Douglas Jerrold 3) Love is like war - it is easy to begin, but it is very hard to stop. - H.L. Mencken 4) Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. - H.L. Mencken 5) Love is quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away. - Dorothy Parker 6) Love conquers all things, except poverty and a toothache. - Mae West 7) There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I won't stand for that. - Steve Martin 8) Only time can heal your broken heart, just as only time can heal his broken arms and legs. - Miss Piggy 9) I was in rare fettle and the heart had touched a new high. I don't know anything that braces one up like finding you haven't got to get married after all. - P.G. Wodehouse MARRIAGE -------- - The main trouble with marriage is that you have to share a bed with some- one. It's great the first night or two, but after a week of not being able to roll over, and a few days of getting an elbow in the eye - it just doesn't work. It's not human. - Richard McRae - I think it quite ironic that Milton got married, wrote 'Paradise Lost', got divorced, then wrote 'Paradise Regained.' - Richard McRae 1) Marriage is a young man's disaster, and an old man's comfort. - Anon 2) Marriage is not a word, but a sentence. - Anon 3) Marriage is the price men pay for sex, sex is the price women pay for marriage. - Anon 4) A man's friends like him, but leave him as he is. A man's wife loves him, and is always trying to turn him into someone else. - G.K. Chesterton 5) I think of my wife, and I think of Lot, And I think of the lucky break he got. - William Cole 6) We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. - Rodney Dangerfield 7) I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - and by then it was too late. - Max Kauffmann 8) WIFE: Mr. Wyatt next door blows his wife a kiss every morning as he leaves the house. I wish you'd do that. MAN: But I hardly know the woman! - Alfred McFote 9) When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason - there's a reason. - Molly McGee 10) To Keep you marriage brimming With love in the marriage cup Whenever you're wrong, admit it, Whenever you're right, shut up. - Ogden Nash 11) Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means. - Henny Youngman 12) The first part of our marriage was very happy. But then, on the way home from the ceremony, ... - Henny Youngman MEDICINE -------- 1) A minor operation: one performed on someone else. - Anon 2) And in our new series, 'Medical Hints By Well-Known Actresses', tonight, your very own Googie Withers - and what to do if yours does. - The Two Ronnies 3) DR. KRUGMAN: So we open the kid up, and what do you think we find? Three buttons, a thumb tack, and twenty-seven cents in change...The parents couldn't pay for the operation, so I kept the twenty-seven cents. - Billy Wilder MEN AND WOMEN ------------- 1) Give a woman an inch, and she thinks she is a ruler. - Stars and Stripes 2) The sad lesson of life is that you treat a girl like that with respect, and the next guy comes along and he's banging the hell out of her. - Art Buchwald 3) On one issue at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women. - H.L. Mencken MISTAKES -------- 1) All wrong doing is done in the sincere belief that it is the best thing to do. - Arnold Bennett 2) Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest of motives. - Oscar Wilde MODERN LIFE ----------- 1) VERONICA: I saw somebody peeing in Jermyn Street the other day. I thought, Is this the end of civilization as we know it? Or is it simply someone peeing in the street? - Alan Bennett 2) It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty. - George Burns MODESTY ------- - I'm so modest, I impress even myself! - Richard McRae 1) Modesty is the art of encouraging people to find out for themselves how wonderful you are. - Anon 2) Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to be aware of it. - J.K. Galbraith 3) A modest man is usually admired - if people ever hear of him. - Edgar Watson Howe MONEY ----- 1) Money isn't everything: usually it isn't even enough. - Anon 2) Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. - Woody Allen 3) I don't want money. It is only people who pay their bills who want that, and I never pay mine. - Oscar Wilde MORNING ------- - I don't mind mornings, I just wish they would come a little later in the day, that's all. - Richard McRae 1) The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible. - Jean Kerr MURDER ------ 1) If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill came at the same time, who would escape hanging? - Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) 2) Murder is always a mistake...One should never do anything that one cannot talk about at the dinner table. - Oscar Wilde MUSIC ----- - Music is the speech of the soul, the words of the heart. - Richard McRae - I never fully trust a musician, and I don't trust someone who doesn't listen to music. - Richard McRae - If you are on a date, and the girl says, out of the blue, something like, 'Do you like the group Kitten Slayers?', just forget it man, the date's over. - Richard McRae - I think there should be a fine for anyone who sits down at a piano and can only play 'Heart and Soul' or 'Chopsticks', so they play those two songs over and over and over and over. It might even be fair to jail them. - Richard McRae 1) Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands - and all you can do is scratch it. - Sir Thomas Beecham, to lady cellist 2) I only know two tunes. One of them is 'Yankee Doodle,' and the other isn't. - Ulysses S. Grant 3) Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. - Kin Hubbard