If you ever find yourself caught in a jungle, surrounded by hostile, native cannibals, just remember these words of advice: Never, EVER get caught in a jungle surrounded by hostile, native cannibals. I was so angry at him that I walked straight up to him, looked him in his eye, snarled a little bit, and said, "Hi." I think that if little aliens came from another planet and wanted me to take them to my leader, I think it would be a funny joke to bring them to a dog pound and bow to a stray Chihuahua. Do you ever have that dream where you are standing completely naked on top of the Empire State Building, and 10,000 half-nude amazon women are standing around you throwing pickles? Neither do I. I've always had this terrible, irational fear of peanut butter. My psychiatrist said that it comes from when I was attacked by the man in the Planters costume, but you know how wierd psychiatrists can be. Geez, you burn down one little department store and suddenly they tell you that you can't be Fire Chief anymore. I've always wished I could whistle like a bird, because then I could sit in the tree outside of our house, whistling like crazy. Then when people walked by and saw me they would point and say, "Hey. Isn't that a Robin?" Then I would laugh, because I knew better. I'm a Blue Jay. We're not really all that different." I told her, "We both feel, we both need, we both love, and we both like to run around in our underwear squawking like chickens." When times are tough, and I can't see a light at the end of my tunnel, I just remember this little piece of wisdom that always keeps me going: Never stick your tongue in the toaster. It was dark. It was so dark I couldn't see. The blackness enfolded me like a big, blinding shroud of night, torn from the very fabric of darkness itself. Its inky, suffocating blindness covered me until I thought I would be trapped within its folds forever. -- Then someone turned on the light. I had an uncle who was in the seminary. When he would baptise people he would hold them under the water for a long time because he said it made them think about their commitement more seriously. He still visits us every now and then, whenever he gets out on parole. He said she was the perfect woman: Respectful, quiet, beautiful, she never talked back, she always had nice clothes, and she would never leave him. It seemed so perfect that I was jealous. So I went out and bought me a Barbie doll too. My son and I sat staring at the anthill. We talked about how much they are like humans. Ants work, they fight wars, they build homes, they take slaves, and every single ant has a special function and duty to fill. We reflected on this for a moment, then we finished pouring the poison on the hill. At night, when I look up at the stars, admiring the beauty of the infinite pinpricks of light in the sky, I can't help but to think of man's part in "It All." I wonder if we'll ever reach those start. I wonder if life is like those stars; fiery, burning, serving a purpose then going out in one final show of incredible brilliance. -- Then I wonder if the guards will ever unchain me. Every morning I pick a word. Then, throughout the day, I listen for people who say that word. Every time someone says it, I turn around and bite them. Now I LOVE to learn vocabulary words! I try never to be outside during day-break or night-fall. I mean, hey, you could put your eye out! Every time I take a course on sexual education, I make sure to ask the teacher if the final is going to be oral. - You can never be too careful. He ran buck naked through the middle of the wedding, throwing Cheeto's every- where and yelling "The British are coming! The British are coming!" Then he say down in the cake and started washing his hair in the punch. Everyone acted suprised, but I caught his true meaning. I understood what he was trying to convey. If ever I am in a business meeting, and it starts to get boring, I just jump up on the conference table and start doing a hula. Because maybe then people will start giving me free coconuts. Everytime someone asks me the secret to myy success, I give them these three pointers: A) Get an education B) Work hard C) Rob a bank Whenever anyone comes up and asks me why I am so popular, I love to look them straight in the eye and say, "Penguins." When I am at parties I love to just sit in the middle of a room and stare at the ceiling with a horrified expression on my face. When people ask me what is wrong I don't answer, I just keep staring. Pretty soon everyone in the room is staring at the ceiling, trying to see what is wrong. That is when I pick their pockets. I once had a guard dog. He was a big, black German Shepard. 4 feet tall at the shoulders, with black bristling fur. He had a scar across one eye from the time he jumped through a window to attack the neighbor's baby. He had big white teeth that we would file into razor sharp points. At night he would run with a pack of wolves in the woods near our house. We finally had to put him to sleep when the neighborhood children started disappearing again. He was the meanest, cruelest, biggest, ugliest dog I have ever seen. Neighbors used to say that he was the devil himself, then he would eat them. I sure miss Fluffy. I hate it when people say that fur coats are inhumane. I have one that I made myself. I just stapled together a bear, dalmation, and a mink. It keeps me warm in the winter, and as long as I feed it every day, what's the problem? I hope that one day they hold a presidential inauggeration on April Fools day. Because then I can dress up like an insane terrorist, go and buy a machine gun and some grenades, and go pretend like I am trying to kill the president. I think it would give those CIA guys a good laugh. Whenever I go to the mall I bring my markers with me. Then, when I see a person wearing a white shirt, I run up to them and before the can say anything I real quick write, "Poodles are from Mars." Then I sprint off in the other direction because, hey, what if I decide to run for president one day? It was a romantic night as we sat underneath the stars. I held her in my arms, and when I looked into her eyes this feeling rose up inside of me. It was so strong and powerful, it wa like a thunder rolling through my soul. It was the strongest thing I have ever felt in my life. I had to say something, I had to do something. The pressure inside of me was building to a point beyond any- thing I had ever felt. I pulled her close, looked deep into her eyes, and said, "Honey, I have gas." Whenever I am trapped in a cave with someone who talks a lot, I use this secret to get them to stop: First I start giggling, just a little giggle. Then I laugh a little more, then a little more. I keep building up to the point where I am laughing like an insane man. Then I hold my eyes open really wide, laugh louder, and let drool run down my chin. Sometimes I ever run around the cave bumping into walls. They stop talking right away. Sometimes the even run off into the night and leave me their sleeping bag. That is always nice. The hospital asked my brother if he would be willing to donate his organs. He agreed, so the made him go down to the hospital for a look. I never say him again. Whenever I think about our world, and how it is being destroted by pollution, violent crimes, wars, drugs, abuse, and everything else that's happening, I just can't help but say to myself, "I wonder if my T.V. show is on yet?" One day my son came up to me and asked me about "Life." "Son," I said to him, because he was my son, "life is like a hot dog. You never know when you might be walking down the street one day and all of the sudden, WHAM!, out of the sky comes this big hand that grabs you and picks you up. Then it might put you in a big hot dog bun and smear you with ketchup, mustard, and maybe a little relish, or not. Then it might EAT you!" Then I patted him on the back and said, "And if you remember that, everything else will turn out okay." MAN: He had the nerve to call me violent, mean, short-tempered, and rude! JUDGE: Is that why you shoved his face in the blender? COP: You say it was his fault? MAN: Yes! I told him to stop hitting my fist with his face, but he wouldn't listen! COP: And what about that knife sticking out of his chest? MAN: Oh. That was the dog. Well, by the time you read these, I have probably thought up more. I know that they are kind of pathetic, and they probably show that I need some serious mental help, but hey, I like them. Hope you enjoy! Rich