G ----------------------------------------------------------------------- GAMBLING -------- 1) If there was no action around, he would play solitaire - and bet against himself. - Groucho Marx, of his brother Chico 2) The way his horses ran could be summed up in a word. Last. He once had a horse who finished ahead of the winner of the 1942 Kentucky Derby. Unfortunately, the horse started running in the 1941 Kentucky Derby. - Groucho Marx GENIUS ------ - It is hard being a genius. If you TELL someone you are a genius, no matter how smart you are, they think you a moron. But if you DON'T tell someone that you are a genius, then how are they ever supposed to find out and buy you free food. The trick is to lead a conversation in that direction, then, in your most humble way, just let it 'slip' out. - Richard McRae 1) Genius is one per cent inspiration and niney-nine per cent persiration. - Thomas Alva Edison 2) Through being considered clever I have suffered much... If you put new ideas before the eyes of fools, they'll think you foolish and worthless in the bargain; And if you are thought superior to those who have some reputation for learning, you will become hated. - Euripides, in Medea GENTLEMAN --------- - A true gentleman is a cross between strong gentleness and gentle strength. - Richard McRae - If a man can walk an attractive woman to her door and refuse an invitation to come inside, he is a gentleman of the highest degree and has more will- power than most men in our nation. Either that or he is gay. - Richard McRae 1) A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present. - Anon 2) A gentleman is one who, when he invites a girl up to show her his etchings, show her his etchings. - Anon 3) A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation. - H.L. Mencken GOD --- - How can we NOT believe in God? To think that we all came from some chemicals that mixed in a pool of mud billions of years ago, it is ridiculous. If that were the case, then why aren't new animals forming in the new puddles of mud that have been around for billions of years? I just don't understand the arguement. - Richard McRae - People need to believe in something. If there were no God, the people would invent one - which many people do. - Richard McRae - My feeling is this: Either there is a God out there, or their isn't. Either idea is to staggering to comprehend. - Richard McRae 1) God is alive - He just doesn't want to get involved. - Graffito 2) God is dead. But don't worry - the Virgin Mary is pregnant again. - Graffito 3) God is not dead. He is alive and autographing Bibles today at Brentano's. - Graffito 4) Is man one of God's blunders, or is God one of man's? - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche GOLF ---- - The only good thing about golf, besides, of course, those little buggies that you get to drive around, is that it is perfectly normal and accepted to walk around hitting things with either the ball or the club. It is legal destruction, and everyone believes you if you say it was an accident. - Richard McRae 1) If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. But there's not excuse for combining the two and putting the results on T.V. Golf os not so much a sport as an insult to lawns. - National Lampoon 2) Give me my golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and fresh air. - Jack Benny 3) ERIC: My wife says that if I don't give up golf, she is going to leave me! ERNIE: That's terrible! ERIC: I know! I sure am going to miss her. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise GOSSIP ------ - I never believe gossip, not a word of it. Of course, there is never smoke without a fire... - Richard McRae 1) If You Can't Say Something Good About Someone, Sit Right Here By Me. - Alice Roosevely Longworth 2) The things most people want to know about are usually none of their business. - George Bernard Shaw 3) There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is NOT being talked about. - Oscar Wilde 4) Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't. - Earl Wilson GOVERNMENT ---------- 1) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. - Will Rogers 2) There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the while government working for you. - Will Rogers GRAFFITI -------- - Everyone Writes On Walls Except Me - Richard McRae, written on random bathroom walls. 1) If you feel strongly about graffiti, sign a partition. - Graffito GREETING CARDS -------------- 1) CONGRATULATIONS AND HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON YOUR ANNIVERSARY THIS VALENTINE'S DAY BAR MITZVAH BOY, HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON. - Ed Brodsky 2) SO YOU'VE JUST FOUND OUT YOU WERE ADOPTED! - Jeff Monasch 3) THANK YOU FOR THE ONE-NIGHT STAND. - Lee Powell 4) BEST WISHES FOR A HAPPY AND SUCCESSFUL FIRST MARRIAGE. - Marc Rosen **************************************************************** H ----------------------------------------------------------------------- HAIR ---- 1) If you see someone with a stunning haircut, grab her by the wrist and demand fiercely to know the name, address and home phone number of her hairdresser. If she refuses to tell you, burst into tears. - Cynthia Heimel 2) ...he told me that I either needed to get a haircut or a dog tag. - Ray Stevens HAPPINESS --------- - They say that money can't buy happiness. Do you think it could rent it? - Richard McRae - There is nothing in the entire universe to make someone more happy than to have a baby fall asleep on their chest. Providing that he doesn't puke. - Richard McRae 1) If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have a pretty good time. - Edith Wharton 2) When I was young, I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness...I was right. - Gahan Wilson HATS ---- 1) FIRST WOMAN: Whenever I am down in the dumps, I get myself another hat. SECOND WOMAN: I always wondered where you found them. - Anon 2) STICKY SITUATIONS Someone you like is wearing an ugly hat, and she asks you to give her your honest opinion of it: 'What a lovely chapeau! But if I may make one teensy suggestion? If it blow off, don't chase it.' - Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy's Guide To Life HEALTH ------ 1) If you want to clear your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow a mouse. - Johnny Carson 2) Early to rise and early to bed, Makes a male healthy, wealthy, and dead. - James Thurber HEAVEN ------ 1) What! You been keeping records on me? I wasn't so bad! How many times did I take the Lord's name in vain? One million and six?! Jesus Ch...! - Steve Martin HECKLERS -------- - * If your nose was any higher your feet would come off the ground! * You call those muscles? I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal. * There are times when you surprise me with your intelligence - This is NOT one of those times. * I get paid for acting like a moron, what's your excuse? - to a heckler when doing a clown act * That's a nice shirt, man. Do they sell men's clothes where you got that? * You are the reason for birth control. * An idea popped in your head? How long did it richote? - Richard McRae 1) TWELVE HECKLER RETORTS: * If there's ever a price on your head - take it! * Why don't you go down to the morgue and tell them you're ready! * Tell me, is that your lower lip, or are you wearing a turtle-neck sweater? * You've got a fine personality, sir - but not for a human being! * When he was born, his father came into the room and gave him a funny look. And as you can see, he still has it! * You're the sort of person Dr. Spooner would have called a shining wit! * Will you please follow the example of your head and come to a point. * That reminds me of a very funny story - will you take it from there, sir? * Why don't you move closer to the wall - that's already plastered. * I'd like to help you out - tell me, which way did you come in? * What exactly is on you mind? If you'll pardon the exaggeration. * You've got a wonderful head on your shoulders. Tel me: whose is it? - Anon HOLLYWOOD --------- - The only place in the world where they spend more on cosmetic surgery than on car payments. - Richard McRae - If we were to take the money money that Hollywood spends on hairspray for one year, and devoted it to the national debt - all of our problems would be solved! - Richard McRae 1) Hollywood - where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars. - Fred Allen 2) Beverly Hills is exclusive. For instance, their fire department doesn't make house calls. - Rex Reed 3) A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors. - Walter Winchell HOMOSEXUALITY ------------- 1) My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there are praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share. - Rita Mae Brown 2) If God had meant us to have homosexuals, he would have made Adam and Bruce. - Anita Bryant 3) Lesbianism has always seemed to me an extremely inventive response to the shortage of men, but otherwise not worth the trouble. - Nora Ephron 4) It was out of the closet and into the streets for the nation's homosexuals in the seventies. This didn't do much for the streets, but on the other hand your average closet was improved immeasurably. - Rick Meyerowitz and John Weidman 5) I'd rather be black than homosexual. Becuase when you are black, you don't have to tell your mother. - Charles Pierce HOUSE OF COMMONS ---------------- 1) BESSIE BRADDOCK: Winston, you're drunk! CHURCHILL: Bessie, you're ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober. - Winston Churchill 2) LADY ASTOR: If you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee. CHURCHILL: If you were my wife, I'd drink it. - Winston Churchill HOUSEWIVES ---------- - If evolution is true, then why don't house-moms have extra arms yet? - Richard McRae 1) There was no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse. - Quentin Crisp 2) Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. - Phyllis Diller 3) I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes - and six months later you have to start all over again. - Joan Rivers HUNTING ------- 1) I only kill in self defense. What would you do if a rabbit pulled a knife on you? - Johnny Carson 2) ERIC: One day we suddenly came face to face with a ferious lion. ERNIE: Did it give you a start? ERIC: I didn't need one. But I'd read a book about lions, so I knew exactly what steps to take...long ones. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise **************************************************************** I ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ILLNESS ------- 1) I've got Parkinson's disease. And he's got mine. - Anon 2) DOCTOR: I don't like the looks of your husband. WOMAN: I don't either, but he's good to the children. - Anon INFIDELITY ---------- 1) A nationwide survey conducted by Off The Wall Street Journal shows that 86 percent of the senior officers in 65 percent of the Fortune 500 companies keep a mistress currently, have kept a mistress in the past, or intend to find one as soon as they finish reading this article. - Off The Wall Street Journal 2) WENDLE: I'm not a suspicious woman but I don't think my husband's been entirely faithful to me. PELLET: Whatever makes you think that? WENDLE: My last child doesn't resemble him in the least. - Noel Coward 3) I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. - Rodney Dangerfield. 4) Few things inlife are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiance. - W.C. Fields 5) I said to my wife, 'Guess what I heard in the pub? They reckon that the milkman has made love to every woman in this road except one.' And she said, 'I'll bet it's that stuck-up Phyllis at number 23.' - Max Kauffmann 6) I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. - Henny Youngman INSOMNIA -------- 1) A good cure for insomnia is to get plenty of sleep. - W.C. Fields 2) CHICO MARX: Don't wake him up! He's got insomnia. He's trying to sleep it off. - George S. Kaufman and Morrie Ryskind INSULTS ------- - A good insults, and here I don't mean just calling a name, but a good insult that just strikes to the intellect. It's better than a punch to the kidney, and does much more damage. - Richard McRae 1) What he lacks in intelligence he makes up for in stupidity. - Anon 2) I said I didn't think Chevy Chase could ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner. I think he took umbrage at that a little bit. - Johnny Carson 3) I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I would gladly eat a politician or a network executive. - Marty Feldman 4) He has left his body to science - and science is contesting the will. - David Frost 5) I treasure every moment that I do not see her. - Oscar Levant, on Phyllis Diller 6) Make your self at home, Frank. Hit somebody. - Don Rickles, to Frank Sinatra INSURANCE --------- - I don't like life-insurance agents, not one bit. It's nothing personall, I just don't like someone who makes the point that I will be worth more AFTER I am dead. - Richard McRae 1) I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but when I go, THEY go. - Jack Benny 2) I detest life-insurance agents. They always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. - Stephen Leacock INTELLECTUALS ------------- - A wise man is someone who knows just a little bit more than everyone else, and is smart enough not to say anything about it. An intellectual is a man who knows just as much as a wise man, but is foolish enough to try prove it to everyone. - Richard McRae 1) Lord Birkenhead is very clever, but sometimes his brains go to his head. - Margot Asquith 2) Everyone agreed that Clevinger was certain to go far in the academic world. In short, Clevinger was one of those people with lots of intelligence and no brains, and everyone knew it except those who soon found out. In short, he was a dope. - Joseph Heller INTUITION --------- 1) Intuition: that strange instinct that tells a woman she is right, whether she is or not. - Methodist Reader INVENTIONS ---------- 1) We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - Milton Berle 2) You know, there's a new cloth you can wear in the rain? It gets soaking wet, but you can wear it in the rain! - Henny Youngman