D ----------------------------------------------------------------------- DANCE ----- - I have never been able to dance. Whenever I get out on the dance floor some person always thinks I have gone into seizures, and they try to perform CPR on me. It is never a pretty sight. - Richard McRae 1) Dancing is the perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. - Anon 2) He makes you feel more danced against than with. - Sally Poplin DATING ------ - I think that two place you should never bring a girl on the first date are the movies and roller skating. With the movies, whether the girl is a slut or respectable, you just can't concentrate on the movie. And with roller skating you will always be wishing you could let go of her darn hand for a minute and take a couple of turns around the rink. But of course, you just can't do that because it would be rude. - Richard McRae 1) I don't believe we've met. I'm Mr. Right. If national security were at stake, would you spend the night with a man whose name you don't even know? I'm glad you don't recognize me. I'd rather have you like me for myself. I don't dance. But I'd love to hold you while you do. - 'Four Tested Opening Lines', advertisement, Playboy DEATH ----- - The major trouble with death is that you can only do it one way. What's the excitement in that? - Richard McRae 1) Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. - Graffito, London 2) Death is the greatest kick of all - that's why they save it till last. - Graffito, London 3) I don't believe in afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear. - Woody Allen 4) I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen 5) On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done easily lying down. - Woody Allen 6) I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether or not my Maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter. - Winston Churchill 7) It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he can get out of it alive. - W.C. Fields 8) The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind- hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting As anyone familiar with modern fiction and motion pictures knows, excessive grief cannot be expressed by means of tears or a mournful face. It is necessary to break things, hit people, and throw yourself on to the top of the coffin, at least. - P.J. O'Rourke 9) GROUCHO MARX: Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped. - Robert Pirosh and George Seaton 10) The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated. - Mark Twain DEMOCRACY --------- - Does anyone really understand what democracy means? I used to think I knew, way back in school. But the government has certainly fixed that. - Richard McRae 1) It has been said that Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time. - Winston Churchill 2) Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they've told you what you think it is you want to hear. - Alan Coren DESIRES ------- - To desire is one of our greatest priviledges. I think it is more important to desire something than it is to get that something. - Richard McRae 1) In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants. The other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde 2) All things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening. - Alexander Woollcott DIETS ----- - My favorite diet is the ice-cream and cookie diet. You don't actually lose any weight, but it is easy to stay on. - Richard McRae 1) Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it. - Anon 2) I've been on a constant dir for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. - Erma Bombeck 3) A really busy person never knows how much he wieghs - Edgar Watson Howe 4) I feel about airplanes the same way I feel about diets. It seems to me that they are great things for other people to go on. - Jean Kerr 5) I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks. - Joe E. Lewis DIPLOMACY --------- - I think it quite ironic that some of our great diplomats, Ronald Reagan for instance, had to first become actors. - Richard McRae 1) Diplomacy, n. the patriotic art of lying for one's country. - Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary 2) Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice Doggie!' until you can find a rock. - Wynn Catlin 3) A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. - Caskie Stinnet DIVORCE ------- - I think that with plenty of planning and foresight, divorce can be an altogether enjoyable experience that the whole family can participate in. - Richard McRae 1) JUDGE: You want a divorce on the grounds that he is careless about his appearance? WOMAN: Yes, your honor - he hasn't made on in three years. - Anon 2) For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have. - Woody Allen 3) The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives the man time enough to hide his money. DOCTORS ------- - I have always wondered what doctors do after they have put you to sleep. Do they color all over you with magic markers? Do they shave your eyebrows? Do they go to lunch and leave you laying on the operating table all cut open leaving plenty of opportunity for flies and little animals to crawl inside of you? I don't know, but I am not taking the chance. - Richard McRae 1) WICKSTEED: The longer I practise medicine, the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the pants off, and those that don't. - Alan Bennett 2) My doctor is wonderful. Once, in 1955, when I couldn't afford an operation, he touched up the X-Rays. - Joey Bishop DOGS ---- - Dogs are the closest living things to tanks. The big ones have heads that are made of galvanized steel, and they ram it into everything they can see. If you don't want to hurt a dog, just hit him in the head. It is the safest place. - Richard McRae 1) He knew what people thought of his kind: 'High strung.' 'Spoiled Rotten.' 'French.' But in the next twenty-four hours, He's going to change all that... He's SMALL. He's BLACK. He's MAD AS HELL. He's POODLE with a MOHAWK. You'll never call him Fifi again! - Lynda Barry 2) A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself. - Josh Billings 3) Every day, the dog and I, we go for a tramp in the woods. And he loves it! Mind you, the tramp is getting a bit fed up. - Jerry Dennis DRINK ----- - "Come on, let's go get DRUNK! You'll LOVE it. You just drink and drink until you can't SEE straight. Then you walk around bumping into things and stumbling all around the room, and everybody LAUGHS. The only bad part is when you wake up the next afternoon, and you feel like your head is EXPLODING, and every noise JAMS itself into your ears, and you just want to PUKE all over the place, and when you look down you see that your clothes are COVERED in sweat and vomit, and you never know WHO you are going to wake up with. But besides all that, it's GREAT!" "No thanks." I said. - Richard McRae 1) After four martinis, my husband turns into a disgusting beast. And after the fifth, I usually pass out. - Anon 2) On the chest of a barmaid in Sale Were tattooed the prices of ale, And on her behind, For the sake of the blind, Was the same information in Braille. - Anon 3) One reason I don't drink is because I want to know when I am having a good time. - Nancy Astor 4) Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. The only trouble is that I can't remember if it is the fifteenth or the sixteenth. 5) A woman drove me to drink and I never even had the courtest to thank her. - W.C. Fields 6) A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on. - Joe E. Lewis 7) I drink to forget I drink. - Joe E. Lewis DRIVING ------- - The reason that women don't want to drive is so that they can sit in the passenger seat and tell you how to do it. - Richard McRae 1) ...er, how fast were you going when Mr. Adams jumped from the car?... Seventy-five?...And where was that?...In your driveway?...How far had he gotten in the lesson?...Backing out?! - Bob Newhart 2) I bought my wife a new car. She called me and said there was water in the carburetor. I said where's the car? She said in the lake. - Henny Youngman DRUGS ----- - I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose. - Richard McRae 1) Avoid all needle drugs - the only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon. - Abbie Hoffman 2) Now they're calling drugs an epidemic - that's 'cos white folks are doing it. - Richard Pryor 3) Pot is like a gang of Mexican bandits in your brain. They wait for thoughts to come down the road, then tie them up and trash them. - Kevin Rooney 4) Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs. - Lily Tomlin 5) Cocaine is God's way of saying you are making too much money. - Robin Williams **************************************************************** E ----------------------------------------------------------------------- EARS ---- - People who have their ears pierced any more than 15 times each look totally ridiculous. It makes their head look more like a Swiss Army Knife. - Richard McRae 1) His ears make him look like a taxicab with both doors open. - Howard Hughes ECONOMY ------- - I keep hearing that the economy is falling. Is it? How can you tell? What was holding it up? - Richard McRae 1) Save Water, Shower with a Friend. - Slogan on Badge 2) Saving is a very fine thing, especially when your parents have done it for you. - Winston Churchill EDUCATION --------- - Why do we have such strange courses in college? Is it to make us a more "well-rounded" person? I can understand the math and english classes, and maybe even the foreign language and the p.e. classes, but chemistry? Unless that is your field, it is completely useless. How often do you go to the store and ask the clerk, "Excuse me, where do you keep your Hydrochloric Acid? And do you have any more Sodium Phosphate, I just ran out." Useless, I tell you. - Richard McRae 1) My education was severely disrupted by the outbreak of World War II. It had actually taken place sixteen years previously, but I was still very upset about it. - Barry Cryer 2) Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead to unreasonable expectations and eventual disappointment when your child discovers that the letters of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around the room with royal-blue chickens. - Fran Lebowitz 3) ERIC: When it came to education, my father wanted me to have all the opportunities that he never had. ERNIE: So what did he do? ERIC: He sent me to an all girls' school. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 4) Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing worth knowing can be taught. - Oscar Wilde 5) I am always ready to learn, but I do not always wish to be taught. - Winston Churchill ELECTION -------- - I hardly ever vote, I mean, look at the choices! - Richard McRae 1) Be thankful only One of them can win - Bumper sticker, on the Nixon/Kennedy presidential election 2) If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal. - Badge, London 3) Vote for the man who promises the least. You won't be as disapointed. - Bernard M. Baruch EMBARRASSMENT ------------- - If you are doing something that is too embarrassing to tell anyone, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. - Richard McRae - There is nothing more attractive than a woman who blushes from a compliment. - Richard McRae 1) Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to. - Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) 2) There IS a good deal to be said for blushing, if one can do it at the proper time. - Oscar Wilde ENEMIES ------- - When I think of life with no enemies, only friends, I think - How Boring! - Richard McRae 1) Love your enemy - it'll drive him nuts. - Anon 2) He hasn't an enemy in the world, but all his friends hate him. - Eddie Cantor EXERCISE -------- - I find it hard to believe that exersice is good for you when it makes you smell, and so many people die from it. - Richard McRae 1) I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. - Fred Allen 2) The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again. - Erma Bombeck 3) MR. UNIVERSE: Don't forget, Mr Carson, that your body is the only home you'll ever have. CARSON: Yes, my home IS pretty messy. But I have a woman who comes in once a week and cleans it. - Johnny Carson 4) Contrary to popular cable TV-induced opinion, aerobics have absolutely nothing to do with squeezing our body into hideous shiny Spandex, grinning like a deranged orangutan, and doing cretinous dance steps to debauched disco music. - Cynthia Heimel 5) Try This Exercise - It'll make you feel GREAT. From a seated position, get up and walk to the bar. Mix one jigger of dry vermouth with seven jiggers of gin. Pour over three quarters of a cup of cracked ice and stir well. Strain and pour into a glass. Twist one lemon peel over the top. Sit down and drink. Repeat. Build your stamina slowly and soon you'll be able to do ten or twelve of these! - P.J. O'Rourke. **************************************************************** F ----------------------------------------------------------------------- FACES ----- - She had a perfect body, nice personality, and good morals. I could have fallen desperately in love with her, if I had kept my eyes below her neck. - Richard McRae 1) ...a face like a wedding cake left out in the rain. - Anon 2) A: Her face looks like a million dollars. B: Yes, all green and wrinkled. - Anon FAILURE ------- - The fear of failure is worse than failure itself. - Richard McRae 1) There is much to be said for failure. It is more interesting than success. - Max Beerbohm FAME ---- - I just laugh whenever anyone says that they want to be famous. Being famous is EASY, all you have to do is run through a schoolyard with a gun, shooting at everything that moves. You'll be famous. I don't think it's fame that people want, I think they just want to be liked by everybody. Now that's a little harder. - Richard McRae 1) A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. - Fred Allen 2) It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. - Robert Benchley FIGHTING -------- 1)ERNIE: Did he put up a fight? ERIC: You bet - we went at it hammer and tongs! ERNIE: Hammer and tongs? ERIC: Yes. I won in the end though. I had the hammer. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise FLYING ------ 1) ...I say to myself, 'Well, I'm strapping myself into the seat. Because if I wasn't strapped into this seat, there's a very good chance that I will fall out of this seat. If the plane came to a sudden stop. Like against a mount- ain. - Shelley Berman 2) CAPTAIN: If we should have to ditch, you'll recieve plenty of warning because our co-pilot becomes hysterical. And he'll start running up and down the aisles yelling 'We're going to crash!!' or some- thing like that... - Bob Newhart FOOD ---- 1) When Marilyn Monroe was married to Arthur Miller, his mother always made matzo ball soup. After the tenth time, Marylin said, 'Gee, Arthur, these matzo balls are pretty nice, but isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?' - Ann Barr and Paul Levy 2) INTERVIEWER: Sir, how do you survive in New York City?...What do you eat? JUNGLE BOY: Pigeon. INTERVIEWER: Don't the pigeons object? JUNGLE BOY: Only for a minute. - Mel Brooks 3) Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz FOOTBALL -------- - Even though football players are obviously MEN'S MEN, I just don't know about them. They think because they ram into other MEN at high velocity that it gives them the excuse to pat each other's butts and wear leotards. That's what happens when the testosterone gets out of balance; we get very large, violent MEN who divide their time between trying to kill each other and trying to pat each other's private parts. - Richard McRae 1) Football is not a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is a good example of a contact sport. - Duffy Daugherty 2) Pro Football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors. - Frank Gifford FORGIVENESS ----------- 1) To err is human To forgive takes restraint To forget you forgave Is the mark of a saint. - Suzanne Douglas FRIENDS ------- - Find a true friend. Not just someone that you go places with, do things with, stuff like that. It has to be someone who is willing to take the blame with you, someone who knows everything about you - but doesn't tell, someone you are not afraid to tell your every fantasy and desire to. That, is a true friend. And there is nothing better in the world. - Richard McRae 1) Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you. - Elbert Hubbard FUNERALS -------- - I want my funeral to be a type of party. I'm not saying that I want clowns there, or that I want everyone singing "Happy Days Are Here Again", but I think it would be cool to have some cake and icecream, maybe a little jazz music, and pictures of me hung all over the walls. That makes much more sense to me than having everyone standing around my coffing crying. - Richard McRae 1) If you don't go to people's funerals, they won't come to yours. - Anon FUTURE ------ 1) ...in 2013, the world will look like this: * The United States will be led by a ball-point pen, referred to as Mr. Scribble. * The French will have the universal right to walk up to anyone they want and tell them to do anything they want them to. Their first move will be to establish cheese as the universal currency. * Trains will all run on time, but they will be invisible. * You will be able to buy briefcases in six-packs. * The Soviet Union, after the Purge of 2005, will be run by clowns and giant insects. Mr. Scribble will NOT like them one bit. - Kevin Curran, Peter Gaffney and Fred Graver