*NOTE - If I did not know who the quote came from, I just typed Anon., which stands for Anonymous. A ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ABSTINENCE ---------- - I believe 100% in abstinence - in others. - Richard McRae 1) Abstinence is a good thing, but it should always be practised in moderation. - Anon. 2) Abstainer, n. A weak person who yeilds to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. - Abrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary ACCIDENTS --------- - RICH: I just saw an accident! A car slammed into the corner of the bank! MOM: So? RICH: So! Why, just last month I was standing there. If it hadn't been for December, I would be street pizza right now! - Richard McRae 1) SEAGOON: He's been buried alive under a thousand tons of earth. MINNIE: Thank heaven he's safe! - The Goon Show ACCOUNTANCY ----------- - It's the only cure for insomnia I have ever found. I keep a copy of the 'Journal Of Accountancy' magazine right next to my bed. - Richard McRae 1) An accountant is a man hired to explain that you didn't make the money you did. - Anon. 2) ... In your report here, it says that you are and extremely dull person. Our experts describe you as an appallingly dull fellow, unimaginative, timid, spineless, easily dominated, no sense of humour, tedious company and an irrepressibly drab and awful. And whereas in most professions these would be considered drawbacks, in accountancy they are a positive boon. - John Cleese, Graham Chapman, Terry Jones, Michael Palin and Eric Idle ACHIEVEMENT ----------- - I believe my greatest achievement was being born. You would think so too if you saw how small the hole I came through was! - Richard McRae 1) It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age, he had already been dead for a year. - Tom Lehrer 2) The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit. - Dwight Morrow ACTING ------ - I think it would be great to be an actor - Go up on stage, read a line or two, punch some bad guys, maybe have a sex scene or two, then sit back down and have someone comb your hair for you. What a life! - Richard McRae 1) Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. - George Burns 2) I mean, the question actors most often get asked is how they can bear saying the same things over and over again, night after night, but God knows the answer to THAT is, don't we all anyway; might as well get paid for it. - Elaine Dundy 3) Acting is the most minor of gifts and not a very high-class way to earn a living. After all, Shirley Temple could do it at the age of four. 4) The important thing in acting is to be able to laugh and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. If I have to laugh, I think of my sex life. - Glenda Jackson ACTION ------ - I have always considered him to be on the same activity level of an active rock. - Richard McRae, about his brother Tim 1) There are two kinds of people: those who don't do what they want to, so they write down in a diary about what they haven't done, and those who haven't the time to write about it because they're out doing it. - Richard Flournoy and Lewis R. Foster 2) Every normal man must be tempted at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. - H.L. Mencken ADOLESCENCE ----------- - Adolescence is the most fun stage of a parent's life. There is no better time to completely warp your child's mind. - Richard McRae 1) Adolescence: a stage between infancy and adultery. - Anon. 2) That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know WHERE the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can. - J.D. Salinger 3) When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. - Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) ADULTHOOD --------- - I hope I never get to be the kind of adult who doesn't read the comics. - Richard McRae 1) When I grow up I want to be a little boy. - Joseph Heller 2) ETH: ... It's time he was taught you are now an adult. RON: Exactly what I told him, Eth. I said quite firmly, I said, "Look, Dad, you got to realize I am now a grown-up aduly with all an adult's desires and capabilities." ETH: When did you tell him that? RON: When he was peeling the silver paper off my Easter egg. - Frank Muir and Denis Norden ADVERTISING ----------- - I think they should have a special station for female products. Or, at the least, they should have an announcement before each tampon commercial to give the men a chance to flee the room. - Richard McRae 1) Everybody sat around thinking about Panasonic, the Japanese electronics account. Finally I decided, what the hell, I'll throw a line to loosen them up ... 'The headline is, the headline is: From Those Wonderful Folks Who Gave You Pearl Harbor.' Complete Silence... - Jerry Della Femina ADVICE ------ - I only give advice to people whom I never expect to see again. It's the safest way. - Richard McRae 1) Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. And never lay down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. - Nelson Algren 2) I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself. - Oscar Wilde 3) There are girls, few perhaps but to be found if one searches carefully, who when their advice is ignored and disaster ensues, do not say 'I told you so'. Mavis was not of their number. - P.G. Wodehouse AGE --- - There is an awkward age in every boy's life where he is considered old enough to take responsiblity for keeping the house clean and following the rules - but too young to get any real priviledges. - Richard McRae 1) I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate. - Nancy Astor 2) I was born in 1962. True. And the room next to me was 1963... - Joan Rivers 3) The old belive everything: the middle-aged suspect everything: the young know everything. - Oscar Wilde 4) Thirty-five is a very attractive age, London society is full of women of the very highest birth who have, by their own free choice, remained thirty- five for years. - Oscar Wilde ALCOHOLISM ---------- - I have decided to become an alcoholic. The only problem is that I don't like beer. So I have instead become a ROOT beer alcoholic. It is cheaper, and I seldom wake up in a pool of my own vomit. - Richard McRae 1) Alcoholism isn't a spectator sport. Eventually the whole family gets to play. - Joyce Rebeta-Burditt 2) An alchoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. - Dylan Thomas 3) "I'm not as think as you drunk I am" - Anon. AMATEURS -------- - If you convince everyone that you are an amateur - even if you are an expert in reality - then every little thing you do will seem incredible to them. You will amaze them at every turn. - Richard McRae 1) Professionals built the Titanic, amateurs built the ark. - Anon AMBITION -------- - I think ambition is great just so long as it doesn't interfere with my sleeping schedule. - Richard McRae 1) I want to be what I was when I wanted to be what I am now. - Graffito AMERICA AND THE AMERICANS ------------------------- - America. Where has it gone? IN GOD WE TRUST has become a quaint phrase, a joke. It is the only land where garbage men get paid more than teachers. A land where criminals eat steak and watch cable T.V., while working mothers have to beg the government for help in feeding their children, which probably don't even own a T.V. I don't think I will ever understand. - Richard McRae 1) And remember - you can't spell AMERICA without the M and R in HUMOR. - National Lampoon 2) Americans like fat books and thin women. - Russell Baker 3) Americans adore me and will go on adoring me until I say something nice about them. - George Bernard Shaw 4) America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. - Arnold J. Toynbee 5) Losing is the great American sin. - John Tunis AMERICA - THE SOUTH ------------------- - The South has two major predjudices: The first is against colored people, the second is against non-colored people. It is quite entertaining to watch. - Richard McRae 1) I happen to know quite a bit about the South. Spent twenty years there one night. - Dick Gregory ANIMALS ------- - I think all animals are deserving of life just as much as any human. The only exception to this is the wasp. My belief is that wasps are little demons in disguise. - Richard McRae 1) Odd things about animals. All dogs look up to you. All cats look down on you. Only a pig looks at you as an equal. - Winston Churchill 2) If you feed a dog, it thinks "Wow, he must be a god!" If you feed a cat, it thinks "Wow, I must be a god!" - Anon. ANXIETY ------- - I never get anxious or scared. They both make me want to wet my pants, and THAT never helps anything. - Richard McRae 1) Whenever he thought about Vietnam, he felt terrible. And so at last he came to a fateful decision. He decided not to think about it. - Anon. 2) I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. - J.P. Donleavy APPEARANCE ---------- - She was the only girl I knew who put on her makeup with a paint-sprayer. You could tell her age by counting the rings on her face. - Richard McRae 1) You look rather rash my dear your colors don't quite match your face. - Daisy Ashford 2) ...an individual whose appearance was so repulsive I had to have my mirrors insured. - Miss Piggy, in Miss Piggy's Guide to Life 3) She wore far too much rouge last night and not quite enough clothes. That is always a sign of despair in a woman. - Oscar Wilde ARCHAELOLOGY ------------ - You have to seriously wonder about a man who gets so excited about digging in the dirt and finding an ancient toilet. - Richard McRae 1) An archaelologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie ARCHITECTURE ------------ - If I ever built a house, I would do it inverted. I would put all of the rooms, bathrooms, and all the other rooms in the house on the outside. That way, the entire world is in your house and you can do whatever you want with it. - Richard McRae 1) The doctor can bury his mistakes, but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines. - Frank Lloyd Wright 2) We should learn from the snail: it has devised a home that is both exquisite and functional. - Frank Lloyd Wright ARGUMENT -------- - I love to argue just for the sake of arguement. I have gotten into fierce arguements with people which eventually led to bloodshed, even if I agreed with them. There is nothing more invigorating than getting in a truly intense arguement. - Richard McRae 1) Keep your temper. Do not quarrel with an angry person, but give him a soft answer. It is commanded by the Holy Writ and, furthermore, it makes him madder than anything else you could say. - Reader's Digest 2) I like talking to a brick wall, it's the only thing in the world that never contradicts me. - Oscar Wilde ASTROLOGY --------- - I don't understand how astrologists can find all of those constellations that they have on the Zodiac calendar. I can never see them. I swear that all of the ancient greek astrologists, and maybe even the ones today, were chronic liars and acoholics. It is the only explanation. - Richard McRae 1) RICHARD: What's your sign? VICTORIA: I'm sorry - it's unlisted. - Mel Brooks, in High Anxiety ATHEISM ------- - What is the point of atheism? With Christianity, even if there is no God, you haven't lost anything. But if you are an atheist, and there IS a God, then you have lost a lot. On a purely logical level, atheism is a bad bet. - Richard McRae 1) Simon darling, I'm afraid you will have to speak to the children. I caught Tristram believing in God yesterday. - Marc 2) ...the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike him. - George Orwell AUDIENCES --------- - My sisters are the best audience in the world. They laugh at every single one of my jokes, good or bad. Sometimes they start laughing before I have even finished! - Richard McRae 1) The best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and a little drunk. - Alben W. Barkley 2) If they liked you, they didn't applaud - they just let you live. - Bob Hope 3) They were really tough - they used to tie their tomatoes on the end of a yo-yo, so they could hit you twice. - Bob Hope AWARDS ------ - I think that a good award to give out would be a humility award. But then again, who would take it? - Richard McRae 1) I don't deserve this, but then, I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either. - Jack Benny 2) Nobel Prize money is a lifebelt thrown to a swimmer who has already reached the shore in safety. - George Bernard Shaw. **************************************************************** B ----------------------------------------------------------------------- BACHELORS --------- - I have discovered that bachelors may spend a lot of money on women and dating - but it is a cheaper investment in the long run than, say, marriage. - Richard McRae 1) A bachelor never makes the same mistake once. - Anon 2) I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married, they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin. 3) She was another one of his near Mrs. - Alfred McFote 4) Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too. - H.L. Mencken BALLET ------ - I have wondered about men ballerinas for a long time. True, they are incredibly strong and are allowed to pick women up by their private parts all they want, but I don't think that is any excuse for putting on leotards and shaving your legs, then prancing around on stage in a frolicky manner. It kinda makes you wonder. - Richard McRae 1) They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmakers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the ballet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live. - Woody Allen BANKING ------- - It is quite ironic, when you think about it. We give our money to someone else who keeps it 'safe' for us. They put it into a cement and steel room which would probably cost us only about $1000 dollars to build, and would be just as safe - if we didn't tell anyone about it. Then they charge us to take our own money out. Maybe I will become a banker, people give them money, and they don't really do anything anyway. -Richard McRae 1) A banker is a man who lends you an umbrella when the weather is fair, and takes it away from you when it rains. - Anon BASEBALL -------- - It amazes me to think that if someone can throw, hit, and catch a ball, then they can make 5 times the salary of the president. - Richard McRae 1) The tradition of professional baseball always has been agreeably free of chivalry. The rule is, 'Do anything you can get away with.' - Heywood Broun 2) I'm throwing twice as hard as I ever did. The ball's just not getting there as fast. - 'Lefty' Gomez 3) Baseball is very big with my people. It figures. It's the only time we can get to shake a bat at a white man without starting a riot 4) Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very unorderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can't get you off. - Bill Veeck BEATLES ------- - I think the only people who REALLY understand all of the Beatles' songs are those who are stoned, or those who are recovering from the sixties. - Richard McRae 1) I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were forty pounds over- weight, and that was just their hair. - Bob Hope BEAUTY ------ - If a woman asks you if she is more beautiful than another woman, don't answer. Even if she IS more beautiful, that is not what she wants to hear. It is a question that cannot be answered by a man, and it is better to cut off your own tongue than to try and answer. Trust me on this one. - Richard McRae 1) A: How do you like bathing beauties? B: I don't know, I've never bathed one. - Anon 2) She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a pair of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak. - Woody Allen 3) After a degree of prettiness, one pretty girl is as pretty as another. - F. Scott Fitzgerald 4) She has the eyes that men adore so, And a torso even more so. - E.Y. Harburg 5) I'm tired of all this nonsense about beauty being only skin-deep. That's deep enough. What do you want - an adorable pancreas? - Jean Kerr BEGGING ------- - My personal belief is that if you have to beg and plead to get something, then you probably don't deserve to have it. - Richard McRae 1) TRAMP: I haven't eaten for three days. MAN: My dear chap - you must force yourself! - Anon 2) TRAMP: Would you give me twenty-five pence for a sandwich, lady? LADY: I don't know - let me see the sandwich. - Gyles Brandreth 3) Beggars should be abolished entirely! It is annoying to give to them, and it is annoying not to give to them. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzche BELIEF ------ - Even if there is no God, there is no harm in the belief of Him. Belief is hope when there can be no hope. Belief is trust when there is no way out. And belief gives meaning to lives that feel like there is nothing for them. If we don't stand for something, we will fall for anything. - Richard McRae 1) And how can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter? - Woody Allen 2) In real life, Keaton believes in God. But she also believes that the radio works because there are tiny people inside it. - Woody Allen 3) Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekends. - Woody Allen 4) If there is a God, give me a sign! ...See, I told you that the knlupt smflrt glpptnrr... - Steve Martin THE BIBLE --------- - To the non-christian: Even if you don't believe in the Bible, it's teachings and lessons are so much common sense that if everyone followed it, this world would be a better place to live. - Richard McRae 1) The first pair ate the first apple - Anon 2) ...and when Adam took a bite of the apple, God said, 'I hope it gets caught in your throat.' And that is why only men have an Adam's apple. - Anon 3) And on the evening of the fifth day, which had been the roughest day yet, God said, 'Thank Me it's Friday.' And God made the weekend. - Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly 4) CHAPTER ONE In the beginning God created dates 2 And the date WAS Monday, July 4, 4004 BC. 3 And God said, 'Let there be light'; and there was light. And WHEN there was light, God SAW the date, THAT it was a Monday, and He GOT down to work;for,verily He had a Big Job to do. And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and Pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic mastodon tusks and Pithecanthropus erectus skulls and those cave paintings at Lascaux. And that was THAT for the first Day. - Tony Hendra and Sean Kelly BIGAMY ------ - I don't know how some men can handle ONE wife, much less two. Any man who is a bigamist can only be a masochist at the same time. - Richard McRae 1) Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing. - Anon 2) A: If I married two women, would that be bigamy? B: It would be VERY big of you! - Anon BIRDS ----- - I think birds are intelligent creatures that KNOW when we are about to wash our cars. Then they just sit on the telephone wires above our driveway and wait until we are finished. Now tell me that isn't intelligence. - Richard McRae 1) HE: Every morning, I'd be down in the park and then I'd feed the pigeons. SHE: What do you feed them? Popcorn? HE: No. Every morning I'd go down to this park and I'd feed the pigeons. To my cat. - Tony Hendra and Micheal O'Donoghue 2) How do you like that bird I sent you home for your birthday?...You cooked it?!...Mama, that was a South American parrot - he spoke five languages! ...He should have SAID something?!... - George Jessel 3) YOUNG WOMAN IN A MUSEUM: What's that bird? W.P. KER: It's a guillemot. WOMAN: That's not my idea of a guillemot. W.P. KER: It's GOD's idea of a guillemot. - W.P. Ker 4) Many amateurs still think that when birds sing and hop around, they are being merry and affectionate. They are not, of course; they are being aggressive and demanding the price of a cup of coffee. As, however, human beings are soft at heart and in the head, I suppose we shall go on regarding this thing as a much loved garden bird, even when it beats on the window with its beak and tells you to get that goddam food out on the bird table or else. - Miles Kington BIRTH ----- - My life even started out bad. I was shoved through a comically small hole, out into this cold room where a strange man slapped me for no reason. I just wanted to get back into my nice warm womb. - It all went downhill from there. - Richard McRae 1) When I was born I was so surprised that I couldn't talk for a year and a half. - Gracie Allen 2) To my embarassement, I was born in bed with a lady. - Wilson Mizner 3) Congratulations! We all knew you had it in you. - Dorothy Parker, telegram to a friend who had just given birth 4) My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me EVERYWHERE. It was like having a dog on a leash. - Joan Rivers 5) I was caesarean born. You can't really tell, although when I leave a house, I go through the window. - Steven Wright BISEXUALITY ----------- - The trouble with bisexuality is that you never know WHO your going to wake up with. - Richard McRae 1) I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night. - Woody Allen BOOKS ----- - I have discovered that the entire works of Shakespeare, the original, not the translated versions, and taken with an open heart and an intelligent mind - make the most beautiful bon-fire that you have ever seen. - Richard McRae 1) Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I'll waste no time in reading it. - Anon 2) I wonder what we are publishing now is worth cutting down trees to make paper for the stuff. - Richard Brautigan 3) 'Sartor Resartus' is simply unreadable, and for me that always sort of spoils a book. - Will Cuppy 4) From the moment I picked it [a book] up, until I had laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend to read it. - Groucho Marx 5) This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. - Dorothy Parker BOXING ------ - The only thing more dangerous than being in a boxing ring is having front row seats, and sitting next to and old lady with a cane and a big man who worked for a month on road construction to buy the tickets. I came out of the fight more damaged than the boxers did. - Richard McRae 1) If you ever get belted and see three fighters through a haze, go after the one in the middle. That's what ruined me - I went after the two guys on the end. - Max Baer 2) He floats like an anchor, stings like a moth. - Ray Gandolf, reporting on Muhammad Ali at thirty-nine 3) I was the only fighter in Cleveland who wore a rear-view mirror. - Bob Hope 4) ERIC: I was a pretty handy fighter in my youth. I could lick any man with one hand... ERNIE: Really? ERIC: Yes. Unfortunately, I could never find anyone with one hand who wanted to fight. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 5) ERNIE: How did the fight go? ERIC: Well, for a minute or two I was in with a great chance. Then it started. The bell went - I raced out of my corner, tried a left, then another left, then a right hook! ERNIE: Fantastic! ERIC: Then my opponent came out of his corner. But within a minute I really had him worried. ERNIE: Why? ERIC: He thought he'd killed me. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise BREAKFAST --------- - There is no better breakfast than cold pizza and root beer. It is heaven in a box. - Richard McRae 1) My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked. - Winston Churchill 2) ERIC: I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No! - she says she'd rather have it in a cup. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise BUREAUCRACY ----------- - I think that bureaucracy is a lot like UFO's. We think it is out there, and we can blame it for any problem we want, and it will never complain. - Richard McRae 1) Dear Mrs, Mr, Miss, or Mr and Mrs Daneeka: Words cannot express the deep personal grief I experienced when your husband, son, father, or brother was killed, wounded, or reported missing in action. - Joseph Heller **************************************************************** C ----------------------------------------------------------------------- CALIFORNIA ---------- - Los Angeles is one of the few places I know of where sex with animals is a spectator sport. - Richard McRae 1) California is a great place, if you happen to be an orange. - Fred Allen 2) In California everyone goes to a therapist, is a therapist, or is a thera- pist going to a therapist. - Truman Capote CANNIBALISM ----------- - I wonder if cannibals have a law against eating vegetables? - Richard McRae 1) Cannibals are not vegetarians, they are humanitarians. - Anon 2) A: Did you hear about the two cannibals that came across a dead man lying in the road? B: What happened? A: Oh, well, they decided to eat him. So they agreed that one should start at the head, while the other starts at the feet. Then they could meet in the middle. Well, it just so happens that the man at the head asked his partner how he was doing. "Oh, I'm having a ball!" said the man at the feet. When the man at the head heard this, he yelled, "Well stop! You're eating too fast!" - Anon. 3) These ferocious cannibals captured a poor missionary - he gave them their first taste of religion. - Anon 4) A cannibal is a guy who goes into a restaurant and orders the waiter. - Jack Benny 5) I came across a tribe of cannibals who'd been converted by Roman Catholic missionaries. Now, on Friday, they only eay fishermen. - Max Kauffmann CAPITAL PUNISHMENT ------------------ - I think a better punishment than the death sentence should be watching 'Leave It To Beaver' and 'I Love Lucy' reruns 12 hours a day for a year. Those who's brains didn't leak out their ears would never, EVER commit another crime again. - Richard McRae 1) When I came back to Dublin, I was courtmartialled in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. - Brendan Behan CATS ---- - You know, no cat I'VE ever met has had nine lives. Maybe they just used them all up before I got ahold of them. - Richard McRae 1) How do you make a cat sound like a dog? Just pour gasoline on it and light a match. WOOF!! - Anon 2) Cat, n. a soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. - Ambrose Bierce 3) There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling. - Steve Martin 4) We've got a cat called Ben Hur. We called it Ben till it had kittens. - Sally Poplin CENSORSHIP ---------- - It amazes me that a woman who will willingly and openly talk about her yeast infection menstrual accidents on television can agree with cencorship. It seems to me a contradiction - a strange paradox. - Richard McRae 1) If a man is pictured chopping off a woman's breast, it is R rated. But if he is pictured kissing a woman's breast, it is X rated. Why is violence more acceptable than tenderness? - Sally Struthers CHARM ----- - Charm will get you to first base, the rest is personality. - Richard McRae 1) A beauty is a woman you notice; a charmer is one who notices you. - Adlai Stevenson CHILDHOOD --------- - We spend 20 years trying to prove we are adults, then we spend the rest of our lives trying to become a child again. - Richard McRae - We spend two years teaching our children to sit up and talk, then we spend twenty years telling them to sit down and shut up. - Richard McRae 1) ERIC: When I was eight I ran away with a circus. ERNIE: Really? ERIC: Yes. Then when I was nine, the made me bring it back. - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 2) ERNIE: I had a pretty tough childhood myself, you know. At the age of five I was left an orphan. ERIC: That's ridiculous! What could a five-year-old child do with an orphan? - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 3) When I was a kid, I had no watch. I used to tell the time by my violin. I used to practice in the middle of the night and the neighbors would yell, 'Fine time to practice the violin, three o'clock in the morning!' - Henny Youngman CHILDREN -------- - I think children are amazing. They are like little adults - except, of course, that they are honest, loving, kind, and don't care about the ozone layer. Okay, so maybe they are not like adults. - Richard McRae 1) I read one psychologist's theory that said, 'Never strike a child in anger' When was I supposed to strike him? When he is kissing me on my birthday? When he is recuperating from measles? Do I slap the Bible out of his hands on Sunday? - Erma Bombeck 2) As soon as I stepped out of my mother's womb on to dry land, I realized that I had made a mistake - that I shouldn't have come. But the trouble with children is that they are not returnable. - Quentin Crisp 3) Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. - W.C. Fields 4) GIRLFRIEND: I want to hear the patter of little feet around the house! UNCLE BUCK: Then I'll buy you some sheet metal and a hamster! - John Candy CLEANLINESS ----------- - To Tim, cleaning his room meant that you could open the door without any heavy machinery. - Richard McRae 1) I will say this for John: he's fantastically tidy...Do you know, after he takes a bath he washes the soap. - Hugh Leonard 2) ERNIE: Why don't you wash your face - I can see what you had for breakfast this morning! ERIC: Oh, yeah! What did I have? ERNIE: Bacon and eggs and tomato sauce. ERIC: Wrong! That was yesterday morning! - Eric Morecambe and Ernie Wise 3) Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock. - Henry Youngman CLOTHING -------- - I think that any man who wears one of those net muscle shirts that show all of his chest hair should immedietly be dragged into the street and shot. - Richard McRae 1) Women's clothes: never wear anything that panics the cat. - P.J. O'Rourke CLUBS ----- - I believe in clubs for women, but only if all other forms of persuasion fail. - 1) Any club that would accept me as a member, I wouldn't want to join. - Groucho Marx COMMUNICATION -------------- - Men, never try to explain the plot of a science fiction movie to a woman. She will sit there and listen to you until you are done. Then she will give you the same look she might give a dog who has just done #2 on her new carpet, and she will say "Is that it?" Trust me, it's not worth it. - Richard McRae 1) HELEN: What where you lecturing on in India? PATTERSON: Harold Pinter and the failure of communication. HELEN: How did it go? PATTERSON: I don't know. They didn't seem to understand a word I said. - Malcolm Bradbury and Christopher Bigsby COMPOSERS --------- - I can't believe that Beethoven was composing symphonies when he was four. I think I was potty trained. - Richard McRae 1) Ah, Mozart. He was happily married, but his wife wasn't. - Victor Borge COMPUTERS --------- - Computers are absolutely incredible. Never before have we had the ability to put all of our financial data, personal info, work, play, credit info, and basically everything in our lives at all - then delete it with the push of one button. - Richard McRae 1) To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. - Anon. 2) My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes. - Sally Poplin CONGRESS -------- - I think that every time congress meets, they all sit around playing with their Nintendo Gameboys until someone finally looks up and says, "Hey, what ARE we supposed to be doing?" - Richard McRae 1) With Congress, every time they make a joke, it's a law. And every time they make a law, it's a joke. - Will Rogers 2) Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. - Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens) CONVERSTATION ------------- - I think a conversation becomes more interesting if you stare at the person's teeth the whole time they are talking. They usually rush off to the bathroom, and they finish quicker. - Richard McRae 1) A gossip talks about others, a bore talks about himself - a brilliant conversationalist talks about you. - Anon 2) The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a bad one. - Sid Ceasar COOKERY ------- - She wasn't the best of cooks. She would always burn our peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches. She considered it a great achievment to make ice. - Richard McRae 1) Sir, The hymn 'Onward Christian Soldiers' sung to the right tune and in a not- too-brisk tempo, makes a very good egg timer. If you put the egg into the boiling water and sing all five verses and chorus, the egg will be just right when you come to Amen. - Letter in the 'Daily Telegraph' 2) The proper way to cook a cockatoo is to put the bird and an axehead into a billy. Boil them until the axehead is soft. The Cockatoo is then ready. - Anon 3) Where there's smoke, there's toast. - Anon 4) Dear Miss Piggy, Whenever I cook spaghetti, it always gets all tangled up into clumps. What am I doing wrong? [Frustrated] Dear Frustrated, I am not sure, but you might try a light cream rinse, followed by a quick once over with a blow-dryer. - Miss Piggy, in 'Miss Piggy's Guide To Life' COSMETICS --------- - To me, the most beautiful women in the world are those who wear little to no make-up at all. Not only do they look better in the day, but you don't have a heart attack when you see them in the morning. - Richard McRae 1) Most women are not so young as they are painted. - Max Beerbohm COURAGE ------- - There is a fine line between true courage and blatant stupidity. I think it is better to take the chance and appear stupid than to do nothing. - Richard McRae 1) The important thing when you are going to do something brave is to have someone on hand to witness it. - Micheal Howard 2) If you can keep your head when all others are losing their's, it's just possible that you haven't grasped the situation. - Jean Kerr COURTING -------- - It used to be that you got to know the person you went out with before you went to bed with them. Nowadays it seems that you just have to be of the opposite sex, and sometimes THAT doesn't even matter. - Richard McRae 1) SHE: I've heard plenty about your lovemaking. HE: Oh, it's nothing. SHE: That's what I've heard. - Laugh In, NBC TV, 1969 2) A: You've been seeing my daughter Nellie for nearly a year now. What are your intentions - honorable or dishonorable? B: You mean I've got a choice? - Harry Hershfield 3) She was a lovely girl. Out courtship was fast and furious - I was fast, and she was furious. - Max Kauffman 4) To differentiate between girls who put out and girls who don't. Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to conclusions that you have found a lady. What you have probably found in a lesbian. - Fran Lebowitz CREDIT ------ - If a company gives me a credit card, I never shop there again. I mean, if they would give one to ME, who knows who they would give one to. - Richard McRae 1) IN GOD WE TRUST. All others pay cash. - Anon CRIME ----- 1) Ah, Seattle. It's the only place in the world, excepting New York, where you can park your car, walk two blocks, then find your own tires on sale. - Richard McRae 2) After an incident in Croydon involving a prison van and a concrete mixer, police are looking for eighteen hardened criminals. - The Two Ronnies 3) I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot. - Woody Allen