Extracts from a Diary

The following are taken from my public diary on the BBS Monochrome. In selecting these particular edits I have chosen my own particular favourites and a few others. Browse at will.

New Layout

Since this page was taking a long time to load, I've moved the edits of previous years to pages of their own. While I was at it I added some edits I'd been too much of a coward to put up here before.

Introduction

My diary? My life. The paths of fire and darkness. Seeing into the darkness of souls where noone dares look, and struggling yet to return to the light. I am what I am, whatever that thing may be. You read my diary. You tell me.
The management reserves the right to spout pretentious rubbish if it wants

Lanfear's Diary

Being a foray into the mind of one who longs for the paths of fire forsaken, and yet still refuses to tread them.

-----[Sun Jan 13 17:22:29 2002]
From: Wolf in Heat (lanfear)

Subject: Update...

...can we say complicated?

In some ways going better than I would have any right to expect. And perhaps in a way that is a cause for worry too.

Call him Blade. It is not any of his names, but it is a name. Were I single... but I am not. And yet there is still something that calls me to him, that he feels as I do. I am afraid to hurt him, for I am what I am, and can only offer so much, bound to Fenris as I am in all the ways that count. Afraid to hurt either of them, but this path calls to me, and I must follow it.

And She, She who sleeps within me, She awakened at his words and They fought, though They are not opposed. And those he works with woke and were angry.

I am drowning in a sea I do not understand. And it feels wonderful.

-----[Thu Jan 17 12:59:29 2002]
From: Wolf in Heat (lanfear)

Subject: You know, that was almost inevitable.

It doesn't mean I have the faintest idea what to do about it.

Though I have some very good ideas what not to do about it.

-----[Tue Jan 29 12:52:36 2002]
From: Seas of silence (lanfear)

Subject: The question I have to keep asking myself over and over again

What do I think I'm doing?

The answer that I haven't the faintest idea isn't exactly reassuring.

Nobody seems to quite understand. When I'm not on the antidepressants I'm a different person. Fire and water. Wild as wind. I had... forgotten. Life is a storm, and there's nothing to hold onto.

Forgotten how it is to feel like this and know it cannot last. Or the worse fear - that maybe it can.

-----[Tue Mar 5 10:37:08 2002]
From: Seas of silence (lanfear)

Subject: Comment from Fenris this morning...

...after spending a bored Saturday evening reading through LiveJournals and doing online tests. "You've gone for two very similar people, you know."

Of course I know. Each of you is a warrior and a gentleman. I don't go for bastards. Not truly.

Other snippets of conversation...

Fenris: Do you want to be fought over?
Me: It's a nice fantasy, but the reality would be far more unpleasant. Besides, Blade would cheat.

Me: Fenris was asking me if I wanted to be fought over.
Blade: I'd cheat.

-----[Mon Mar 18 12:19:06 2002]
From: The deepest discontinuity (lanfear)

Subject: Transience

Sitting here, listening to Apocalyptica's version of Nothing Else Matters, I am almost in tears. And I have no idea why.

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