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"Moments of Truth"1/10

I'm posting this as I'm finishing it up (it's done I just have some editing to do) because if I don't I'll never get it done. I'll try to post a little everyday until it's done but if I get too slow feel free to yell at me (and no Parker that doesn't mean you). And yes that is a new e-mail addy. I was forced into it. :::glare in the general direction of the betrayer::: You know who you are....

Moments of Truth

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Authors Note/Warning: This is a P/C story that was written on insomnia stricken nights usually after listening to one too many songs on the radio, one too many conversations with a 6 year old genius, and a rather ummm...unique...trip up the Colorado mountains. It is completely character driven. I thought I'd try my hand (or at least the two fingers I type with ) at a bit of angst.... Consider yourself warned. Comments are not only extremely welcome, but are craved. I'm completely clueless about what I write and have absolutely no idea if it's good or bad. I don't care if you only have two words to say, or you are reading this from some long forgotten archive, I'd love to hear what you think. O...and while I do confess to using words that you won't find in any dictionary (except my own personal one) I would just like to say that we English do spell some things a little differently so please don't ask if I ever use a spellchecker. I do, it's just the UK version.

Special Thanks: Billy for convincing me that sudden bouts of clarity at three in the morning are perfectly normal (well for me anyway), and Andi, for not being like the guy in the story. Finally to all my friends for doloping mint frosting on me when things look bleak (which means I'm in danger of drowning in it most of the time) and for threatening slow and painful torture to keep me writing. Maybe I shouldn't thank you guys for that... :O)

Disclaimer: The only thing I own is a slightly wild horse and a vivid imagination so Paramount must own the rest of the good stuff. Go ahead take me to court, I'll plead insanity. Individuals may print this or pass it around for their amusement, but please keep my name and this header attached at all times.

Part I

"There are times when we must sink to the bottom of our misery to understand truth..."

--V�clav Havel

For what must have been the hundredth time that night Beverly turned over and for the hundredth time tried to force herself to sleep. For the hundredth time she failed. She reached across the bed before she remembered that there was no one there. No one to hold her and tell her everything would be all right. *And if you don't stop pushing Jean-Luc away there never will be,* a little voice in the back of her mind whispered. *You're going to lose him if you don't stop,* the voice persisted, as it had more and more often these days.

Trying to ignore the officious little voice Beverly pushed herself up and sat leaning against the pillows. Reaching over she taped the panel on the table by the bed. The lights came up and she instantly wished they hadn't. She often found light to be an intrusion, poking its way in and making her see things she didn't want to see. Like, for instance, now when it was filling the room, reaching the table in the corner on which lay the book Jean-Luc had lent her a few weeks ago. She still hadn't gotten around to reading it. There were a lot of things she hadn't gotten around to. Had been too busy. Just as she had been to busy for breakfasts and dinners with him. She tapped the panel again, only with more annoyance this time. Damn light. She didn't want to think about Jean-Luc. She knew that if she started thinking about him she wouldn't be able to stop. Then she would for certain be up all night. But it was too late.

Annoyed with herself Beverly pushed off the covers and snatched up her robe. She needed something to drink. As she walked to the replicator in the dim light of the rubber-band stars she pulled the robe on letting it hang loosely on the crooks of her arms, but when she got to the replicator she only stood there staring at it. She thought of Jean-Luc and how he was forever saying 'Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.' *I wonder if he's still awake,* she thought idly. Then without truly realizing it she left her quarters and headed for Jean-Luc's. Her mind, suddenly becoming aware of where her body was headed, protested but her body stubbornly carried her to his door, and before she realized it she had pushed the chime.

Jean-Luc, who had been reading in the dim light of his quarters in an effort to relax, was surprised to hear the door chime at such a late hour. He walked to the door mumbling about disturbances and lack of consideration for others. With all the stress he had been under lately preparing for their next mission it was no wonder he wasn't in the greatest of moods. He tied his robe closed and pushed the button to open the door. He was surprised, and rather pleasantly at that, to find Beverly standing at his door looking down at her bare toes. His mood changed instantly. He smiled inwardly noticing the careless way her robe, hanging open as it was, fell off her shoulders to reveal the little satin night-dress underneath.

Beverly looked up from her toes almost surprised to see him and said, "Jean-Luc...I didn't wake you did I?" She seemed not to notice the way he was staring at her.

"No, I was just reading," he replied after a slight delay. She was very distracting standing there with her robe hanging open and a good deal of her creamy skin showing.

"I can't sleep. Would you mind if I came in for a bit?" She chose to look at his collarbone rather than the curious look she knew would be on his face.

Another delay before he managed, "Not at all. Please come in." He stepped aside to allow her passage. "Would you like something to drink?" he asked walking to the replicator.

"Some tea please," she said, knowing he would order his Earl Grey in the way she had just been thinking about only moments ago. She couldn't help but smile as she listened to him say it standing there in his robe which she knew he would only have a pair of pyjama shorts on underneath. Ridiculous fantasies began playing themselves out in her head and she nearly laughed out loud at herself. She could just see the look on his face if she began to act one out. Beverly then suddenly became aware of her own appearance. Blushing slightly she hastily pulled her robe up onto her shoulders, tied it loosely around her waist, and brushed a few strands of unruly red hair into the satisfactory state of being out of her eyes.

When Jean-Luc turned back to her and handed her the little glass of tea he was a little disappointed to find she had straightened out her appearance.

His heart however was still beating quite a bit faster than usual, but then it always did that when she was around. They sat down on the couch, Beverly with her legs tucked underneath her and Jean-Luc slumped down a little with his head leaning back on the top of the couch and his eyes closed. Beverly always took opportunities like this to study his face without having to worry what he might think she was thinking. He was so...beautiful... Without giving the action much thought she rested her head on his chest leaning against him.

Jean-Luc opened his eyes and raised an eyebrow. Lifting his head slightly he glanced down a Beverly. Deciding not to make anything of it he leaned his head back and closed his eyes again before saying, "Is there any particular reason you can't sleep tonight?"

"Just lonely I guess," she said, surprising both herself and Jean-Luc with this little bit of truth so bluntly said.

He raised his head and slid an arm around her shoulders pulling her close. Feeling relieved by his show of understanding Beverly snuggled up even closer to him.

"We all get lonely sometimes," he said softly.

"Even the great Captain Jean-Luc Picard?" she asked, half jokingly.

He sighed heavily, missing the playfulness in her voice. "Especially the great Captain Jean-Luc Picard." He hadn't exactly meant to say it, but there it was.

Caught off guard Beverly lifted her head and tried to catch his eyes to see if there was any truth there, but he avoided her gaze choosing instead to stare at his tea on the table in front of them. She laid her head back down and he could feel her hand slowly make its way into his. She squeezed his hand and he squeezed back. "At least we have each other," she said softly.

"Do we?" he asked seriously.

Beverly made a sound that resembled a nervous laugh. "Of course we do. We're best friends aren't we?"

"But don't you ever want more than that?" He was venturing out on the limb even though he expected it to break.

*Of course I do. I want more than that every time I look at you, every time I think about you,* she thought, but she said nothing. Jean-Luc had taken his arm from around her and sat up looking at her expectantly. After a long moment she let out a sigh and, with a jab from that officious little voice, finally spoke. The truth came pouring out like water from a broken glass. "My whole life I've always fought so hard for what I've wanted, but now what I want I can't get by fighting. I can see everything I've ever dreamed of here in your eyes, and now to get what I want...what I need, I have to surrender, but I'm not sure I can." She paused watching him...looking at him...into him, and suddenly it seemed so clear. She spoke the thoughts aloud as she worked them out in her head. "I've spent such a lot of time thinking about what might have been that I've forgotten that it could still be. Still, most of me is scared to death sitting here tonight. I guess I'm just afraid that if I rush in I might frighten you or myself away. I've always come by caution honestly..." she paused, as if surprised at what she found inside her own head, "...but there's this little part of me that says you are a chance that I have to take. I can't lose you Jean-Luc, I....I love you."

Saying it was like letting out a deep breath that had been held far too long, and startled though she was at herself she was glad she had said it. It was getting to be too much keeping it all hidden away inside.

Jean-Luc however, stared at her as if she were a three eyed zebra speaking Portuguese with some of the letters left out. She had taken him completely by surprise. She had been so distant lately and now....now this.

His mind went completely blank, collapsing under the weight of her expectations...of his own expectations. It was so easy to want it when he wasn't faced with getting it. Now that everything he wanted was there before him he found he didn't know how to react. He tried to say something, anything, but his mouth refused to form the words and so he just stared.

Beverly, for her part, felt her stomach turn and tighten to a hard knot. She felt her face grow red under Jean-Luc's gaze and started to regret what she had just said and cursing whatever part of her had forced her to come, but once you confess something to someone they've got a piece of you and you can never get it back. *Just give him a moment and he'll say 'I love you too,'* she thought frantically. But seconds seemed to be taking hours, time slowed down the way it always does when it's supposed to be clipping along at a good pace, and her mind was growing more and more frantic and refusing any real rational thought. She began reassessing her entire relationship with him.

Somewhere, in the entire spectrum of what a relationship could mean, should mean, she knew she was losing and a lifetime full of promise fell from her eyes. She leapt off the couch as if it had grown suddenly hot, spilling her tea in the process, and ran for the door.

For a moment Jean-Luc simply sat staring dumbly. Then it seemed to suddenly hit him what had just happened and he sprang for the door and ran after Beverly. When Jean-Luc finally reached Beverly's quarters the door was locked.

"Beverly let me in, I need to talk to you." There came no response. "Please Beverly, let me in." Again no response. It never occurred to his tired confused mind to use his override and so for ten minutes he stood outside her door pleading to be let in. Frustrated and angry with himself, as well as Beverly, he finally stormed back down the corridor to his own quarters causing a young ensign who had been working late to make a hasty retreat in the opposite direction of where he had been heading.

�"It takes two to speak the truth-one to speak and another to hear."

--Henry David Thoreau

T.B.C....

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"Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of - but do it

in private and wash your hands afterwards."

--R.A. Heinlein

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"Moments of Truth" 2-3/10

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Disclaimer: Sometimes I have delusions of grandeur and actually think I can write so I borrow the lovely characters that Paramount the Almighty owns and mess with their lives for my amusement and hopefully yours.

Part II

It was two days before he actually spoke to her because for two days whenever he tried to talk to her she feigned business and hurried away from him mumbling curse words under her breath. So it was a surprise when late one night, when he was sitting in the observation lounge feeling sorry for himself, that she came and stood just inside the doorway looking as if she had something to say. He had by this time grown rather angry with her and confused the anger he felt at himself to be more anger towards her. He turned his back to her and looked out the window before asking, "Is there something I can do for you Doctor?"

His show of displeasure with her did not go unnoticed and only served to solidify her decision. "I have come to request permission to leave the ship."

Jean-Luc spun around in his chair and jumped up. "What!?"

Beverly suddenly realised how it had sounded. "I have quite a bit of accumulated vacation time and I would like to make use of it. I am requesting permission for three weeks shore leave on the nearest hospitable planet," she clarified.

It took a moment for Jean-Luc to get his mind settled. The thought of Beverly leaving the ship had frightened him to say the least. "But you can't leave. Not now."

"The ship will be on a simple diplomatic mission for at least a month, and the CMO is not needed for such a mission. I'm sure Dr. Selar can handle anything that may come up."

"But Beverly what about-"

"About what Jean-Luc?" Her eyes were blazing, daring him to speak.

His own temper was beginning to rise. "Can't I at least explain?" Hisvoice was loud and rough.

"Explain what Jean-Luc? The way I see it there is nothing to explain. Everything was made quite clear the other night." She was now yelling. Her cheeks were flushed and tears were stinging her eyes and threatening to spill down them.

"But Beverly I -"

"Don't Jean-Luc. Don't even try to make excuses. I know how you feel. Leading me on all this time and playing your sick little games with me. Well I've had it Jean-Luc Picard. I'm done being your amusement, and whether it's granted or not I'm leaving this damned ship." With that she turned and stormed out of the lounge leaving a stunned and angry Jean-Luc Picard in her wake.

"Fine then, go! See if I give a damn!" he yelled as the doors swished closed.

�

Part III

"The truth may be easier to run from, but the harder you run the harder it runs and someday it will catch up with you." -- :O)

�

Beverly had left early the next morning taking a shuttlecraft and heading for Selenda IV, a small planet only eight hours away. She had spent the entire shuttle ride brooding over Jean-Luc and getting herself angrier than ever. *You shouldn't be so mad at him,* that officious little voice spoke up.

*You should have given him more time.* Beverly was really beginning to hate that voice, especially since it was always right. However, her biggest fears about starting a relationship with Jean-Luc had come true. She was humiliated and deeply hurt. And so when the shuttle finally touched down on Selenda IV she was only too happy to be away from him. All she wanted to do was relax and get busy forgetting it had ever happened.

Taking her bag Beverly stepped out of the shuttle and into the cold mountain air. She stretched before crunching across the snow and into a tiny cabin with 'office' written across the door. Inside a handsome man with dark hair sat leaning back in a chair with his feet propped up on the desk before him. He was reading and didn't look up as Beverly stomped the snow off her boots.

"Excuse me....," she said walking up to the desk.

"What doya want?" he asked still not looking up.

"I contacted you about a cabin yesterday."

"Oh yeah, yer that doctor then." He flipped a card in her general direction and said, "That's yer key. The cabin's 'bout a mile up the mountain from here. I'd get walkin' now if I were you. It'll be dark soon."

"Thanks." Her voice was laced with sarcasm.

The man looked up at the sound of annoyance in her voice ready to see if she dare have a problem with him, but he forgot what he was going to say when he looked at her. He had never seen a more beautiful woman in his entire life.

Jumping up he held out his hand to her. "By the way my name's Andy."

Beverly hesitated before offering her own hand, but smiled at him as he pulled it up to his lips and kissed it. "Hello Andy."

"How 'bout I walk you to yer cabin?" His voice was now warm and inviting.

"I think I can make it alone."

"Nonsense. C'mon I'll carry your bag for ya."

Beverly wasn't too thrilled with the idea, but then she thought of Jean-Luc. "Thank you, I'd like that."

Half an hour later they arrived at a small cabin set back against the mountain and surrounded by trees that closely resembled pines, but had more of a bluish colour than green. "Well this is it," Andy said opening the door.

"It's the best cabin I got and one of the only one's with a replicator. We don't have all that technology. We live simple here." He dropped Beverly's bag on the overstuffed couch in front of the fireplace. "It's secluded just like you wanted. Closest cabin is the office we just come from and there's one 'bout a mile over to the west, but we don't get many visitors on this side of the planet this time of year. In fact yer the only guest we got."

Beverly looked around the cosy little cabin and was quite pleased. "This is just what I had in mind." She smiled at Andy.

"Hey, how 'bout I make you a nice fire? There's a woodpile over on the side of the cabin."

"That would be great, thanks."

"Hey, no problem."

Beverly pulled her coat off and settled herself on the couch while Andy built a fire. When he was done he dropped down on the couch next to her. She glanced over at him wondering just what he thought he was doing. "So what's a pretty lady like you doing out here all alone?" he asked leaning back and laying his arm across the top of the couch behind Beverly.

She shifted uncomfortably. "Just wanted to get away from things for a while."

"Now what would you have to get away from?" His fingers stretched out to brush against her shoulder.

Beverly stood up. "Look Andy I'm really tired maybe you should be going now."

"Hey I just got here." He stood and lay a hand on her arm. "Don't you want some company?" he asked stepping closer to her.

"Please, I just want to be left alone."

"When you could have me for company?" He pulled her closer and touched her cheek.

"Please Andy, I...." She let the sentence go unfinished and found herself stepping closer to him. He smiled warmly and ran the backs of his fingers down her cheek. Sometimes it's easier to find something to help you forget your problems instead of dealing with them. Beverly began to lose herself in his dark eyes and didn't pull away when he kissed her. She began kissing him back. She didn't know why she was doing it, but what she was doing sure beat what she was going through.

Eventually Andy pulled away. He smiled a smile that reminded Beverly of Will Riker and headed for the door. "How 'bout I come check up on ya tomorrow night? Maybe have some dinner?"

Beverly just looked at him wide eyed and nodded, too stunned at herself to reply.

�

T.B.C....

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"Moments of Truth" 4-5/10

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Disclaimer: In my next life I plan on being omnipotent ruler of the universe, but until then Paramount still owns the characters I keep borrowing.

�

Part IV

News travels fast on a starship and it wasn't long before word of the fight between the Captain and CMO got around. Deanna Troi had been eating a chocolate sundae in Ten Forward when she overheard two young ensigns. 'Yeah he was walking through the corridor in his robe. Looked real pissed to,' one of the them was saying. 'Hey, I'd be pissed too if my would be girlfriend wouldn't let me in,' the other replied. Deanna left her ice-cream and headed for the bridge.

She found Captain Picard just as she knew she would; sitting behind his desk and nursing a cup of Earl Grey with his bottom lip stuck out ever so slightly as it always did when he wasn't getting his way. He didn't look at all happy to see her. "Is there anything you'd like to talk about sir?" she asked hoping he wouldn't make things difficult as he usually did.

"No Counsellor there really isn't," he said as he stood and waved her away.

Unperturbed by his nasty mood Deanna persisted. "I heard about the fight. Don't you want to talk about it?"

"No, I don't."

"Well I do." She sat herself down in the chair opposite his.

Picard sighed heavily realizing that she had no intention of leaving until it was all out. He dropped back down into his chair. "She said she loves me," he said simply.

Deanna's eyes widened in surprise and a smile broke out on her face. It

quickly faded when she saw the look on the captain's face. "Well what happened?"

"I was completely surprised. I never expected her to say it, not then. I didn't say anything. I tried, but...well nothing came out when I opened my mouth." As he thought about it he slowly began to see Beverly's point of view. "Before I managed to say anything she was gone. I went after her, but she refused to speak to me. Then last night she came and requested shore leave. I tried to tell her...to explain, but we were both angry and she left." He gave Deanna an almost desperate look, his eyes pleading with her the way a child's do when he wants his mummy to make everything all better. And that's exactly how he felt, like a helpless child who had broken his beloved toy and didn't know how to fix it.

"You love her don't you?" It was a dumb question to ask. The answer was so obvious it screamed.

Picard just looked at her wondering why she had to ask questions with obvious answers.

Deanna didn't miss the look. "Then you must go after her. Straighten everything out and tell her how you feel."

He stared at her as if she had suggested he go have a cup of tea with Cardassians. The idea frightened him to some extent. "Counselor I can't just up and leave the ship on the way to a diplomatic mission." It didn't make for a very good excuse.

"Couldn't Commander Riker do it?"

Picard was quiet for a moment struggling with his sense of duty and what he really wanted to do. He shook his head, his eyes distant, and said in a vague voice, "No....No. I have duties to perform," more out of expected response than anything else. In truth he had made no real decision.

Deanna could sense his struggle and wanted very much to give him that extra little shove he needed, but she was afraid that if she pushed him too hard that would be the end of it. Instead she just nodded and slipped unnoticed out of the room leaving Picard to come to his own decision.

Part V

There was a soft knock on the door and at first Beverly didn't hear it. When it became louder she jumped slightly, startled. She then put down her book and glanced out the window as she went to the door. It was nearly dark. She hadn't realised it had gotten so late. Beverly opened the door to the smiling face of Andy.

*******

While Beverly Crusher was having a lovely candlelit dinner with a charming man, light-years away Jean-Luc Picard sat in his silent quarters poking restlessly at the food on his plate. While Beverly was sipping wine, which Andy had brought, and laughing at his stories, Jean-Luc was taking large gulps of Sorian Brandy and arguing with himself about what the right thing to do would be. And when Andy's lips on hers were quickly making Beverly thankfully forget her problems, Jean-Luc fell into bed alone and frustrated.

*******

It wasn't until around three in the morning that Jean-Luc Picard finally came to the decision that he had known all along was right (despite what the duty filled disciplined part of his mind argued). Besides what did discipline get him anyway? Sure he loved his job and was a great success, but what did it matter if you didn't have anyone to share those successes with? What did it matter when there was no one to celebrate with, no one to say 'I knew you could do it!'? And so the decision to go to Beverly and beg for forgiveness and understanding was made.

*******

"And don't forget to...."

"Station security officers outside each of the four doors. Don't worry sir, I'm sure everything will go fine. You've briefed me to death." Will Riker flashed his captain a reassuring smile.

"Thanks Will, I owe you."

"Your leaving is thanks enough sir." Funny...that had sounded right in his head....

Picard stopped stuffing things into his bag and raised an eyebrow at his first officer.

Riker suddenly realized how that sounded and said, "Well you know what I mean sir."

"Uh huh."

"It's just that I've thought you and Beverly belonged together for so long and I'm glad to see you've finally come to your senses." Picard's eyebrow rose a little farther and Riker tried to pry his foot out of his mouth yet again. "Some people are just fools when it comes to this sort of thing. No wait, that's not what I mean. What I mean is that...."

"I get the point Will." Jean-Luc looked around to see if there was anything else he needed. Deciding he had enough he closed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. "I guess that's it then. Deanna made the reservations?"

"Yes, you have a cabin all waiting for you." Riker could see the hesitance in Picard's eyes. Fearing his captain was having second thoughts Will clapped Picard on the back and said, "I'm sure everything will turn out fine," and steered him out the door practically shoving him down the corridor.

T.B.C....

I'm getting there...really...it'll be done soon...Does this mean I qualify for the Goddess of Procrastination title?

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"Moments of Truth" 6-7/10

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Disclaimer: Yep, the characters STILL belong to Paramount....which in Hindi means: we just love tormenting our fans.

Now for the scene that you all knew was coming up....

Part VI

The snow was melting. It was now nothing more than slush in most places and as Jean-Luc sloshed his way up the mountain he cursed himself for not having brought more substantial boots along with him. His toes were wet and cold and he seemed to be lost. The young kid at the office hadn't been much help in offering directions when he had checked in. 'I'm just watchin' the place for my uncle and don't really know my way around yet,' the boy had said.

Even though he had been apologetic about it Picard had felt like thwaping him upside the head. He felt even more like it now as he stood in the freezing cold with wet boots not knowing which direction he was supposed to be going in.

The long shuttle ride had put him in a nasty mood, and this really wasn't helping.

He trudged along for about twenty more minutes before stumbling upon a little clearing and what he hoped was his cabin. It was set back against the shear wall of the mountain and nestled in a little grove of trees just inside the tiny clearing. There was a soft light glowing in the window and it looked very warm and cosy, which meant it couldn't be his. The boy had said no one had been in his cabin for months so there certainly wouldn't be a light on.

*Beverly....*

He hurried up to the door and knocked. *Finally we can put all this mess behind us,* he thought wearily. *In a few moments it'll all be cleared up and all of this nonsense....* His thoughts were interrupted by the sound of footsteps and laughter muffled by the heavy wooden door. The door swung open revealing Beverly and a handsome man (presumably the boy's uncle) with mysterious eyes and his arm around Beverly's waist. For a moment Jean-Luc just stood there with his jaw hanging open in surprise before making a hasty retreat. "I'm sorry...I...I didn't realise you had....company," he said as he hurried away.

"Jean-Luc wait! It's not what you think!" But he had already disappeared behind the trees.

�

(O come on, like you really weren't expecting that to happen....and of course I had to use that line....)

�

Part VII

Jean-Luc stumbled upon his cabin quite by accident. When he had left Beverly's he hadn't had the slightest idea what direction he was headed in. All he wanted was to get away from the mess he himself had made, and so he'd simply taken off in a random direction. He was so busy ranting to himself ,

'It was stupid to think you could just come here and fix everything right up. You blew it. You really screwed up this time,' that he wasn't paying attention to where he was going and had practically ran smack into the wall of the cabin in the dark.

He pushed open the door and stumbled in. It was nothing like what he had glimpsed of Beverly's cabin. Hers had been warm and bright and inviting, this was downright dingy. He dropped his bag down on the only piece of furniture,(save for a small table and chair) a tiny couch with several small holes in it. He went into the bedroom just off the tiny kitchen area and found the bed wasn't much better than the couch. He suddenly realized how tired he was and decided he didn't care that the sheets looked like they hadn't been cleaned in months. He pulled his boots off and dropped down onto the bed. It wasn't long before he fell into an agitated sleep.

*******

When he awoke it was still dark out. There was no replicator in the cabin which really didn't surprise him. Instead there was a little pantry stocked with odds and ends and an old stove that looked as if it were about to fall apart. After several tries he managed to make something edible.

When he had finished eating he took a quick shower (the water was ice cold) and dressed in a warm pair of pants and a thick sweater. His boots were still a little damp, but he pulled them on anyway and stepped out into the brisk winter air. He had decided a walk would help him to think and so in the dim light of the early morning he set out through the forest.

Somewhere along the way he found a path and followed it as it wound around the trees and occasional bolder. The path ended abruptly at a little clearing just before a drop-off. He walked right up the edge of the cliff and peered over. The sun had begun to rise. Thin rays of light struck the frozen lake below the drop-off. The ice shot back shimmering waves of light of all colours that danced in the air above it. The scene just about put the northern lights of Earth to shame. He stepped back taken aback by the beauty of it.

"Beautiful isn't it?" a soft voice behind him asked.

Jean-Luc jumped and spun around. There, sitting on a rock with her knees drawn up and her arms wrapped around them, was Beverly. "Yes it is," he said absently thinking that it was nothing compared to the beauty of the woman before him. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to watch the sunrise."

Jean-Luc tore his eyes away from her remembering that he was mad at her after what happened last night.

Beverly seemed to read his mind for she said, "About last night...."

"There's no need to explain Beverly." He turned away from her and peered over the cliff.

"Jean-Luc it's not what you think."

"Oh isn't it?"

Beverly could feel her anger start to bubble up. "No. Andy just came by for dinner. He's just a friend, nothing more." But that wasn't entirely true. They had been just moments from becoming far more than just friends (Wasn't she more sensible than that? She had always thought she was. Then why was she being so foolish?) when Jean-Luc had shown up. When Beverly had seen Jean-Luc, his face his eyes, what she had known would be wrong all along was only made more clear and she'd gathered up her sensibilities that had deserted her and asked Andy to leave. She had realized that forgetting about Jean-Luc was not what she really wanted, and running away from her problems wouldn't solve a thing, but right now her anger was getting in the way of logical thought.

"Besides, what the hell do you care?"

He just looked at her over his shoulder and shoved his hands into his pockets. The look in his eyes saying 'Exactly. What the hell -do- I care?'.

The truth was he really did care but he'd be damned if he'd tell her that now. Call it foolish pride or just plain stupidity. Beverly was by now standing. She walked over to a narrow path leading down to the frozen lake and despite his nastiness gave Jean-Luc an 'Are you coming?' look. He simply stared at her and so she headed down by herself, being careful to stay as far away from the edge as possible (*What was I thinking coming to the mountains?*). Jean-Luc watched her departing back and kicked at the muddy snow, the stubborn part of his mind not wanting him to follow. The part that was after all hopelessly in love despite everything that had been going on won out in the end and he tromped down the path after her.

He found her at the edge of the lake and came to stand beside her. Beverly glanced over at him still feeling a little angry. They stood silently looking out over the lake. After a while Jean-Luc put his foot out and tested the rose coloured ice. It was thick and so he stepped out onto it. Beverly watch, amused, as he began walking slowly around on the ice. He decided it wasn't too awfully slippery and so began taking larger steps. He realised his mistake when he began sliding and fell flat on his butt. The silence was broken by Beverly's laughter. Jean-Luc picked himself up off the ground and marched carefully across the ice. Beverly was laughing too hard to notice him come up behind her. He gave her a shove and she went flying across the ice. She spun around and went sprawling. She looked up to see Jean-Luc laughing.

"That was not funny!" she said, trying to sound angry, but he could hear the laughter in her voice. Jean-Luc walked out to help her up. He offered her his hand and as he pulled her up she gave a sudden yank.

Beverly had meant for him to fall. She hadn't meant for him to fall on top of her. For a moment, a long moment, the feeling of his body pressed against hers sent tingles up her spine, the warmth of which made her forget she was laying on frozen water. She could feel his breath warm against her face and was well aware of the fact that their lips were mere centimetres apart. For a brief moment their eyes locked, but it was only for a brief moment. Jean-Luc stood up and pulled Beverly with him. They started back toward the cabins in an awkward silence.

T.B.C....

How am I doing so far? Is that a proper grasp on angst?

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"No no no, the Barbie with the *RED* hair goes with Cap'n Picard."

--Six year old Lexi to her sister after stealing their

brother's Captian Picard action figure.

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"Moments of Truth" 8/10

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Disclaimer: If anyone tells you that these characters are locked up in my attic with nothing but some chocolate sauce and a whole lotta free time do NOT believe them. Paramount owns them even though they can't seem to think up such fun things to do with them.

I'm beginning to feel a little bad for tormenting these poor characters....

Part VIII

By now Jean-Luc's boots were soaked. So soaked that Beverly could hear them squishing as he walked beside her in that awful silence. "You're squishing," she said, glad to break the quiet.

"What?"

"Your boots, you're squishing."

"Oh, yes. They're pretty well soaked with all this damn slush."

"Haven't you got better boots?"

"If I did don't you think I'd be wearing them?" he snapped. Wet shoes always put him in a bad mood. Especially when they were ice cold.

"I was only asking," Beverly snapped back. She was beginning to develop her own bad mood.

"I'm sorry Beverly. I shouldn't have snapped at you like that." His voice was soft and she knew he meant it.

"That's okay Jean-Luc. They'll dry in no time if you put them by the fireplace."

"I haven't got one."

"You don't have a fireplace in your cabin? How did you sleep last night without a fire? Weren't you cold?"

"No, I don't. I haven't got much of anything in my cabin. I was fine last night."

Beverly thought for a moment and then spoke hesitantly, "Would you like to come to my cabin for a little while? You could dry your boots.....and maybe...stay for lunch."

Jean-Luc glanced over at her also feeling hesitant. "If it's no trouble...."

"None at all," she assured him.

"Well in that case I'd be delighted."

They walked a little farther in silence. Then after a while, "Beverly?"

"Yes?"

"I froze my butt off."

*******

Beverly passed her card through the slot, pushed the heavy door open, and lead the way inside. Jean-Luc followed and as his eyes scanned the room they filled with surprise. "Why didn't I get a place like this?"

"What's wrong with your cabin?"

He was to busy staring at something on the far wall to answer. "You have a replicator?"

"You don't?" Jean-Luc shook his head. "Andy did say this is the best cabin."

"I can just imagine how you managed to get it too," Jean-Luc grumbled in a voice tinged with something that might have been disgust.

The words, as well as what they were implying , didn't get past Beverly

and she gave him a sharp look as she struggled to control her temper. "Why don't you get the fire started and I'll get us something to eat," she said through tight lips.

Jean-Luc started the fire and settled himself down on the floor in front of it. He pulled his boots off as well as his socks and set them on the hearth to dry. Beverly brought sandwiches and sat beside him. Neither of them knew what to say and so they sat in silence as they ate.

When they were done eating Beverly took the plates and glasses away and returned to sit by Jean-Luc. She wanted to ask him why he had come, but she was afraid of what the answer would be. She knew that avoiding the problem wouldn't solve anything, but she was afraid to do anything for fear of making the situation even worse. It was bad enough fighting with Jean-Luc, but in her confused mind she thought it better to be fighting with him than to not have him at all.

"Did you sleep with him?"

The question snapped the silence and jerked Beverly out of her thoughts.

"What?"

"Did you sleep with him?" Jean-Luc repeated looking into the flames.

Beverly was caught between anger and understanding. "I really don't think that's any of your business Jean-Luc." Her anger was starting to get the better of her and her voice rose to a yell. "What would it matter to you if I did anyway? It's not like I've gotten any other offers." She stood and turned away from him.

"It would matter a lot to me dammit. Don't you think it hurts me to see you with someone else?"

"I don't think anything hurts you Jean-Luc Picard. I don't think you feel a damn thing for anyone but yourself. You don't care about anyone, and you know what? I really don't give a damn anymore. I'm sick of you and your thoughtless self-important ways. So no Jean-Luc I don't think it hurts you one damned bit."

Jean-Luc was silent. Slowly he stood up, collected his boots, and

walked out the door. In her anger Beverly picked up a book off a nearby table and flung it at the door her soul mate had just walked out of. She hadn't meant a word she had said. She had in fact regretted it the moment the words left her lips. She was furious with herself and felt the sudden need to destroy something. Her eyes were filled with tears so she couldn't see what she had picked up off the table. She threw it across the room and heard it shatter. She angrily rubbed an arm across her eyes and tried to gather herself, to regain some semblance of composure. She walked across the room to where she had thrown the object.

At her feet was shattered glass and a picture of herself and Jean-Luc that had been taken at a party that had been thrown to celebrate after a long diplomatic mission. Despite not wanting to think about Jean-Luc she had brought the picture along as a reminder of happier days. In the picture they were dancing and both laughing at something she could no longer remember. Beverly fell to her knees and tears began to flood her cheeks.

T.B.C....

Sorry this is taking so long...

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"Moments of Truth" 9/10

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Disclaimer: Hey...what's with the pretty white jacket? Why am I hugging myself?? What's with the padded walls!!!?? I know Paramount owns 'em! I was just borrowing!!!

Part IX

Jean-Luc decided it best to stay away from Beverly, and so he spent most of the next three days in his cabin save for an occasional walk when he felt sure he wouldn't run into her. He had a sick feeling inside that he refused to admit was because he missed her. He was almost sure he had lost her forever.

*You can't lose something you've never had to begin with,* the practical-sensible part of his mind was quick to tell him. *Well then why the hell do I feel so damn bad?* he asked it. The practical-sensible part of his mind had nothing to say to that. He thought about leaving, going back to the ship. It was after all pointless to be there after that fight, but some part of him, the hopeful-desperate part no doubt, refused to let him. And so he spent his days sulking around in his tiny cabin and brooding over lost chances, and his nights alone in that big bed freezing his butt off.

On that third night as he tossed and turned he was awakened by a horrible loud noise shattering the stillness of the silent night. He had at first thought it was part of the dream he was having (or rather the nightmare) but when he heard it again he knew it wasn't. He sat up and listened intently trying to figure out what it could be. The noise grew louder and sent little tremors through the ground. It was as if a thousand freight trains were thundering down the mountainside. Suddenly he knew what it was, an avalanche.

The snow that had been falling relentlessly for the past few days was now falling again, only this time in a huge sheet straight down the mountain. He leapt out of bed and dressed as quickly as he could with only one thought in his mind, Beverly.

Snow had built up behind the door and for a minute he was unable to open it. A picture of Beverly buried alive in the snow formed itself in his mind and the door flung open. He plunged out into the swirling night which was unexpectedly bright with the driving snow. He had stepped away from the cabin and when he turned back it had disappeared behind a thick mask of white flakes.

Didn't this damn place have a weather net? For a moment he lost all sense of direction. His hand held up in the snow inches from his face was invisible.

*Go back now or you'll be lost out here forever,* the practical-sensible part of his mind assured him, but he ignored it and instead plunged farther into the blinding white of the snow in what he hoped was the direction of Beverly's cabin. It seemed as much destiny as destination.

The snow was thicker than fog and just when he thought it might stop it rose again like a smoke screen as he floundered through it. Thoughts and images of Beverly's lifeless frozen body chased themselves around in his head driving him forward. It suddenly occurred to him that he didn't know the way to Beverly's cabin from his. Both times he had come from her cabin his mind had been on other things and he had no real memory of the walks only the thoughts he had had during them. He came to an abrupt stop and looked around him. Nothing but pure white. Then another thought occurred to him, a comforting reassuring thought. The trees. He had yet to run into one and break his nose. That could only mean one thing, and that was that he was on the path. All he had to do was keep on the path and he'd be fine. The problem was he couldn't see the path. He couldn't see anything save for the swirling white flakes, but this didn't occur to him or if it did he chose to ignore it.

What should have been a short little walk took hours. Twice he had wandered off the path and run into tree branches scratching his face a good many times. Both times it had taken him several long agonising minutes to find his way back to the path, and when he finally did he couldn't be sure he was headed in the right direction. At some point along the way something had pulled him to the left like the hands of some unseen saviour, and that's what it must have been for when he turned that way he found himself on Beverly's doorstep. Relief beyond words flowed through him that there was a doorstep left even if it was covered in a good three feet of snow.

Jean-Luc raised a fist and pounded the numb ball against the door. When nothing happened he pounded again, and as he began to get a panicky feeling he pounded steadily with both fists. After what felt like an eternity, and seconds before he broke the door down, the door opened and there stood Beverly in perfect health. So shocked he was that when she invited him in (or rather ordered him before he froze to death) he didn't move. Beverly finally had to drag him in herself.

Jean-Luc hadn't expected to find her like this all warm and snug in her cosy little cabin. He had, in the long walk through the snow, convinced himself that when he finally found her she wouldn't be breathing. He stood for a long time staring at her as a man dying of thirst might stare at a glass of water.

Frightened by the way he was staring and shocked that he was there at all after the horrible way she had behaved Beverly said, "Jean-Luc....what the hell are you doing here?" The last thing she expected to happen happened next.

As if he had suddenly awakened from a horrible nightmare Jean-Luc seemed to snap back to reality. Needing to touch her, to be sure she was there and was all right, he practically flew to Beverly and gathered her into his arms kissing her with a blistering passion that left her gasping for air.

They pulled away from the kiss feeling suddenly awkward as the events of the past week caught up with them. There was a long moment of uncomfortable silence before Beverly managed to find her voice again. "What are you doing here?" she repeated.

Still a little stuck in the moment it took Jean-Luc a while to catch up.

"I...The...The avalanche...," he stammered. "I was afraid you...." He let the sentence go unfinished having an irrational fear that if he spoke the words aloud they may find a way to come true.

Ashamed of what she had said days before Beverly could not bring herself to look at him. Instead she took him gently by the arm and led him to the couch. She seated him in front of the fire that she had started when she had been awoken from the noise a couple hours earlier, and then went into the bedroom and pulled a blanket off the bed. She brought it out to Jean-Luc and offered it to him. He was looking into the fire and didn't seem to notice, as if his mind were trying to comprehend something so complex that it couldn't bother with something so trivial as a blanket. He seemed to have slipped back out of reality.

Beverly set the blanket aside and knelt before him. She carefully pulled his wet boots off as unintrusively as possible. She pulled his socks off as well and then, ever so carefully, his wet sweater and the shirt that was underneath it. His pants were wet too, but she didn't suppose she ought to pull those off. Jean-Luc didn't seem to take any notice of her actions, and Beverly was beginning to worry. She went to the replicator and came back with a cup of tea....Earl Grey....hot. She draped the blanket over his bare shoulders and pushed the steaming cup of tea into his hands. Beverly then sat down next to him and looked at him tentatively. "Jean-Luc? Are you all right?"

It was a long time before he answered and when he did his voice was vague and distant. "Yes....I'm fine." It came out as a hoarse whisper.

They sat for a long time in a gentle silence, neither of them feeling particularly inclined to speak. Hours past before Beverly finally stood and looked at Jean-Luc. By an agreement made only with their eyes Jean-Luc stood and followed Beverly into the bedroom.

Neither bothered to turn the light on (Beverly for fear of its intrusive nature and Jean-Luc simply because the thought hadn't crossed his exhausted mind) so in the dark Jean-Luc pulled his still damp pants off and both crawled under the covers without a word. A tacit barrier was drawn down the centre of the bed and for a long time neither of them crossed it, but somewhere in the darkness their resolves melted away and as Beverly began to move towards Jean-Luc she found that he was moving towards her. Jean-Luc wrapped his arms around her and they were both soon asleep, huddled together in a tiny cabin under a deep blanket of snow.

T.B.C....

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"Moments of Truth" 10/10

Well here it is FINALLY, the end. Thanks for your patience. I personally don't think I'm very good at endings (I tend to rush it) and have been considering rewriting this, so let me know what you think.

By: E. Stewart

Copyright 1997

Disclaimer: Is it safe to say that you all know how this goes by now?

Me= Person with too much time on her hands who is going (not that I'm not already there) crazy because she can't do the only thing that brings her any peace and so steals characters and writes to pass the time.

Paramount= Big conglomerate that toys with peoples heads.

This outburst brought to you by the pesky voices in my head. I'm fine...really....

Part X

In the morning the amity that had been so strong in the night seemed to dissolve and was replaced by awkwardness, an uncertainty of what to do next.

They sat stealing glances of each other across the table as they tried to force themselves to eat breakfast. Each was hoping that the other would speak first, and both were expecting the worst. Finally Beverly couldn't stand it anymore. "Why did you come here?" she asked gently, not wanting to start another fight.

"I heard the noise...I was worried about you."

"No, I mean...to this planet."

His tea must have been doing something extraordinarily fascinating for he was staring at it rather intently. He wanted to tell her that it was for the simple reason that he loved her, had loved her from the moment he saw her, but he couldn't. Not now, not amidst all the stiffness and awkwardness. It wasn't right. He wanted to wait for the right moment so he instead shrugged his shoulders and continued to stare at his tea as if he expected to find the perfect words, the words that would fix everything, in the gently rising steam.

Beverly pushed away the anger that was threatening to rise again.

"Please Jean-Luc, talk to me."

Jean-Luc stood and walked slowly to the window. Beverly followed, stopping a few steps behind him to allow him room to think. He watched the snow fall for several minutes before speaking. Some people get old waiting for the right moment. Sometimes it never comes. Awkwardness or no the words had to be said. "I don't think I have ever loved anyone the way I love you." He spoke slowly giving each word time to sink in with its full meaning. "I never felt the exhilaration, the feeling of being truly alive until I met you. I didn't feel it when I won the marathon at the Academy, I didn't feel it when I took command of the Federation's flagship, but I feel it every time I look at you. You make me...feel. You bring my perception of life to a whole new level. Because you Beverly....you are...my heart." He turned to look at her, catching her eyes which were filled with tears. "I love you." There it was, simple as that. Decades of pent-up emotions put neatly into simple words.

The first tear escaped and slid down Beverly's cheek. Slowly, each movement deliberate and meaningful, she took the few steps needed to close the space between them and slipped her arms around him. They held tightly to each other not wanting to ever let go. All of the childish petty arguments melted away to some distant place, and suddenly all those lonely nights made sense.

They had been worth it for this moment. "I love you too Jean-Luc." She buried her face against his neck crying silently for misunderstandings, for fear, and for lost years. For all the things that had somehow managed to keep them apart.

She might have stayed that way forever, hidden in the protection of his arms, if not for Jean-Luc�s nose nudging against her cheek. Beverly nuzzled against his neck then turned to him avoiding his eyes. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I should never have doubted you."

His hands slid up her neck to curve around her face and he pressed his lips against her soft skin kissing away her tears. "It's all right. Beverly, it's all right," he breathed against her cheek. "Everything is all right now."

She nodded against him and rubbed her tears from his neck. "Everything is all right now," she repeated. She raised her eyes to meet his and smiled for the first time in what felt like a very long time.

His own smile pressed against hers in a tender promising kiss that grew deeper and more intense with each passing minute. For a moment it was as if the entire universe and everything that had ever happened was just so that this moment, this tiny piece of existence, could occur simply to bring these two lost people together.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jean-Luc made one last trip to the dingy little cabin a mile away to gather his few things and bring them to Beverly's cabin. There were still two weeks left of their shore leave and they intended to make very good use of their time. Some days they took long walks in the snow (with an occasional snowball fight) but mostly they stayed in finding better things to do than try and stuff snow down each others shirts.

They left the snowy little planet with a reluctance that all people leave places where their lives have changed for the better and they knew that someday they would come back....maybe for their honeymoon....

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"That terrible mood of depression of whether it's any good or not is what is known as The Artist's Reward."

--Ernest Hemingway

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