One of the toughest battles i have ever encountered with myself is a simple question...Am i a slave?...In a quick answer i could say no way..i could never be a slave..i am too stubborn, too free, to much of my own person. But the funniest thing is why should i even question this?
Recently was in a Gor room. Sure i know the protocol, sure i know what to do..but..actually went there as a person..and observer..just someone to watch what is going on..for i dont think i ever truly just observed without somehow begging a Master to serve him. But as i was watching i observed a serve in which brought me to tears. It was the most beautiful thing i ever seen in my whole life. Why was i choked up with emotions for witnessing such an act. Does words really make a slave?..of course not..slavery is more then just pretty words on a paper. But it has to do with the level of devotion, the meaning behind those words, the fire within the "belly". And that is something i dont have. That is something i never had.
I say to myself no i could never be a slave.. but yet in a sense i was never put in that situation. Ironically..i am just on the start of my submissive journey..a long one where i am truly looking for myself..and have yet to find One whom i can share this journey with and learn and grow from. It all has to do with fear. It is almost as if at times i fear the feelings i feel. I wonder if that is good or bad. Probably in the long run it is bad to close up your feelings keeping them bottled within..for in a time it will explode.
All i could think of myself is i wish to learn..that is all i want..is to know to be sure. But the greatest warning i ever recieved was a simple warning of be careful what you wish for...for you may get exactly what you do wish for. Can a person be prepared for what they wish for. In my heart i want an answer to this question...knows it is not simple..knows it is a long road a long battle ahead of me to find out this answer. But is she a sub or a slave?
I could analyze this obsession with this simple but never ending question. Could look at all the Gor books, could read all the stories written about the various types of slavery, (Roman..ect)..i could even look to our own history..but is that where one finds answers..NO..it is not in a book, it is not in a chat room, it is not in pretty words..it is something within each person, a drive that pushes one over there limits completely..till they have no limits..just pure devotion to their Master...Then of course there is the thing i am trying to learn..and that is to just enjoy, embrace, dont think FEEL..forget about looking into every aspect questioning what if feel, why i feel it, how i feel it..JUST FEEL IT..BE IT..EMBRACE IT...thats easier said then done..could tell myself that 100 times..just to FEEL it..but all i seem to do is question it..finding out answers..
I dont know if i could ever answer this question until put in that situation..so what does a girl truly do in the mean time..be left with unanswered questions, lost thoughts..lost feelings..Honestly..i dont know.
So i go back to the original question am i a sub or slave? If anyone has any opinions about this topic...i would truly appreciate any feedback you can offer. Please e-mail me at [email protected]. Thank you A/all..wishes you well.
