Original by Dr. Brian MiSTing by Quamp
Bonus MiST: Kidz Water Hydrators “A Sudden Chill” and "Day of Decay"
Originals by Michael Stewart
MiSTing by the Icehole
MiSTer’s note: The characters of Lotus and Bander are my creations. Lotus, a.k.a. Lecita Jones, is a spirit-powered mutant, who can turn into a spirit form and discharge blasts of spiritual energy. Bander, a.k.a. George Mbajong is an African-American mutant with the power to fly and can produce adamantium steel from his hands (due to an accident involving the process of bonding adamantium to bone.)
(Scene: X-Men Danger room. We see Rogue, Lotus, Bander, and Gambit working out, being tested by the dangers there.)
Bander: By the light, you shall not be victorious today!
(Gambit fires explosive cards, striking a target camera as Bander hits a laser gun with an adamantium steel spike.)
Rogue: We appear to be winning...
(Suddenly the Danger room ensnares everyone in steel cables.)
Gambit: Sacre bleu! I cannot break these cables!
Voice (from off screen): You’d need more strength than you could muster to break out of that, Cajun.
(They turn to see Arcade in the control room )
Rogue: ARCADE!
Lotus: Timmy! What are you doing here!?
Rogue, Gambit and Bander: (simultaneously) Timmy?
Arcade: Well, long time no see, Jones. I see you’ve done well for yourself.
Gambit: What do you want, Arcade?
(Arcade pushes some buttons.)
Arcade: You people have gotten in my way once too often. I want to ruin your minds no end... Now, I’ve been running a website, and somehow my e-mail got sold to a bunch of spammers. Well, misery loves company, and I think you should see my misery too...
(The danger room produces a computer screen.)
Arcade: I’ve got several spams here, so let’s start you with the first one is a lovely little ditty from some guy who promises you a lot, but for some reason forgets to tell you what you’ll be doing... Oh, and don’t bother phasing, Jones. I made sure you couldn’t do that either.
(The screen shows the spam below.)
Lotus: We’ve got one chance to stop this... we’re going to have to do the MST3K thing.
Bander: Agreed. Time to head to the SOL of our minds...
>Let's be completely frank.....
Bander: No thank you, I like being George much better.
Rogue: Ah like bein’ a woman. Ah don’t want to be a man.
>Most offers you receive via E-mail are nothing more than hype:
Lotus: Just like this one.
>"Do nothing, and get rich!"
Gambit: We’re already rich - we have good friends, and a bank account that’s as big as Marvel wants to make it.
Rogue: Good thing too - considering all them costly pitfalls that Marvel puts us through. Ah mean, Ah’ve lost count of the number of times the mansion’s been destroyed and rebuilt.
>If you truly have the desire to work from your home, part time or full time.....
Gambit: Considering how much the X-Mansion gets blown up and destroyed all de time, I t’ink I would not like to work from my home.
>You really want your own business.....
Bander: Considering that 80% of all new businesses fail, I’d have to say no to that one...
Gambit: No matter what you do, you’re really working for de man.
> Your not afraid of work, (no cold calling required) .......
Gambit: You just need to be a little dishonest, that’s all.
>You can handle a minimal up-front cost, (with a money back guarantee) .....
Lotus: [announcer voice] All yours for 50,000 easy payments of a low $19.95 each! They’re due one an hour too!
>Then call this two-minute message for more information, (it's a free call) .....
Bander: But very overpriced,
Lotus: [sings] Buy my snake oil! And remember, you get what you pay for.
>1-888-506-6567
Lotus: [sings] Swing is a word six feet down/ (718) 387-6962/ Nammrrrrr.
Gambit: I’ll stick with de phone sex lines, non?
Rogue: Remy!!
Gambit: Well, it not like you and I could ever do that, chere.
>I'll provide you with all the references, referrals, etc., that you need to check this opportunity out, and to make a good and informed decision.
Lotus: [as Dr. Brian] I’ll inundate you with so much stuff it’ll leave your head spinning.
Bander: And everything is printed on 100% rain forest wood, that was freshly cut at our plantation in Brazil!
>No hyper-inflated promises about earnings potentials.
Lotus: You’ll earn less than zero!
Bander: If you’re lucky.
>$2,000 to $10,000 per month is very realistic.
Rogue: First, you git out and buy about 5 million lottery tickets...
>You will receive tons of support......
Lotus: From the planet you walk on, but not from us....
>No hype.....
Bander: [rapping] Don’t believe the hype!
Lotus: Aren’t all advertisements hype?
>This is not MLM.....
Rogue: It’s jest a pyramid scheme.
>There is no risk....
Lotus: There’s always risk in no matter what you do. Frankly, I think this is just dumb.
Bander: And considering our luck with normal human beings, I don’t think it would be in our best intersts to do this.
>1-888-506-6567
Lotus: In case you missed the number before.
>If you like what you hear, leave a message, and I'll call you back.
All: We don’t like what we’re reading now!
>Thank you,
Lotus: We should appreciate you for this?
>Dr. Brian
(Suddenly the door behind Arcade opens, and we see Phoenix enter.)
Phoenix: Have you guys seen - YOU!!!
Arcade: Uh-oh.
(Phoenix mind blasts Arcade, who grabs his head and goes down.)
Arcade: UHN!!!
Phoenix: What have you done to my friends, Cringeman!?
(Phoenix goes up to the controls, and shuts down the Danger room.)
Phoenix: Are you all right in there?
(We see the cables release Rogue, Bander, Lotus, and Gambit.)
Lotus: Just fine, Jean. Arcade’s plan was foiled by some quick thinking and a little psi power.
Bonus MiST: Kidz Water Hydrators
(SOL bridge. We see Joel, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy looking at a painting.)
Tom: I’m telling ya, it was a steal! I got it for $20 at an art sale.
Crow: But who is Shelton Peccary?
Tom: Only one of the premier artists of Colonial America. His works go for thousands at auctions!
Joel: Uh, Tom, That’s Sheldon Peck you’re thinking of. Someone very different. And I doubt someone from Colonial America would paint a picture of someone typing at a computer terminal.
(The screen comes to life, and shows Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank there.)
Dr. Forrester: Greetings, Joel. Well, how are we today?
Joel: Things were fine until you came along.
Dr. Forrester: Well, I haven’t got long, they’re having a fire sale down at Mad Mark’s scientific supplies. Anyway, I’ve got a delightfully horrific piece for you... it’s an ad for Kidz Water called the Kidz Water Hydrators. Enjoy! Or, should I say... go insane!
(Dr. Forrester flips a switch, and the comic book light comes on.)
Joel: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Joel and the bots sit.)
Tom: Bring it on! We can take anything!
>Kidz Water Hydratorstm
>To empower those in need through proper hydration
Tom: Seek enlightenment through our overpriced tap water.
Crow: Gee Mr./Ms. Homeless people, we know you need a good meal and a good job, but here’s some overpriced tap water instead.
> A sudden Chill!
Joel: Tom must have left the Satellite’s heaters off again.
Tom: Oh, sure, blame the guy who doesn’t have working arms.
>Hydro! Crystal! Ice! Misty! X-Stream! Vapor!
Crow: What? No Tap, Reverse Osmosis, or Lead Remover?
Tom: [hick accent] Ah, gas jest ain’t been the same since they took the lead out.
>Together they are the Kidz Water Hydrators --
Crow: And every bottle of our water was personally passed by one of them.
Joel: Crow!
>Six bold young heroes using their special skills and powerful wrist hyrophasers to save the world from the dangerous effects of dehydration and battle those who threaten earth’s most valuable resource -- water!!
Joel: So where were they when we needed them last summer?
Tom: Well, as a robot, I don’t need water. But we should save a robot’s most precious resource - oil!
Crow: Great, it’s a team of X-clones!
>Chill: Watch it, loser -- Chill’s Comin’ through!
Crow: A guy on a snowboard and the best name they could come up for him was Chill?
Tom: Well, this is Marvel...
>Hydro: Look out, Nicole!
Tom: Even though I don’t know you, I can correctly guess your name!
>Nicole: Thanks, Misty!
Tom: Especially since Hydro warned you about Chill.
>Looks like that Chill guy will win every race today!
Tom: Even the ones he’s not in.
Joel: Even the Women’s competition?
Crow: Well, that woman over there looks terribly masculine...
>Misty: Could there be dirty deeds afoot, Crystal?
Tom: [sings] Dirty deeds/ Done dirt cheap!
Crow: [sings] You gotta watch your step when you know the chips are down.
Joel: Crow!!
Tom: But just look at them, Joel. You can’t step anywhere without trodding on one.
Joel: (turns) Don’t encourage him, Tom!
>Let’s head downhill to check things out!
Joel: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Darn.
>Crystal: Have you been feeling weak, dizzy, or flushed, Nicole?
Crow: [as Nicole] Hey... .yea! And I’ve also had cramping, bloating, and hallucinations!
Tom: Sounds like a classic case of stupidity.
>Nicole: Yea, a lot of us have!
Crow: We had a really wild party last night!
Joel: Not quite.
>Crystal: Aha! Classic symptoms of dehydration!
Crow: Or some fever. Better see a doctor.
Tom: Yea, how can you make such a diagnosis? Let me see your medical degree!
Joel: I’m not a doctor, and I don’t play one on t.v. either.
Crow: Must have gotten her degree at one of those party hearty doc colleges in the Caribbean.
>Minutes later....
Crow: As opposed to sooner...
>Hydro: Check this out, Ice -- all the kids water is frozen!
Tom: Well, you said keep it chilled...
>Ice: I know my ice -- that did not happen naturally! It had to be foul play!
Crow: Amazing that he could deduce that from just one glance with the ice.
Tom: Well, he says he knows his ice.
>Vapor: No wonder we’ve got thirsty kids! Time for Vapor To apply a little steam heat!
Joel: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like fire to me. Must be really hot steam to look like fire.
Tom: What amazes me is that he’s spraying that so-called hot steam and the plastic bottles aren’t melting.
>Nicole: AHHH!
Crow: [as Random hydrator] Hey! Wait a minute! This is vodka! We’ve been had!
Tom: In more ways than one.
Joel: Tom!
>While the kids replenish their bodies with kidz water, team leader Hydro ponders the situation.
Joel: Let’s see here... is it take a step, then chew the gum, then take a step or chew the gum, take a step and chew the gum?
Crow: You know, Nicole looks really hot, but then again so do Misty and Crystal. I wonder which one will -
Joel: Stop right there, Crow.
>Shortly...
Joel: But making us long for the end.
>Chill: Those dehydrated losers can’t compete -- I was counting on that!
Tom: So I replaced their Kidz Water with Vodka!
Joel: Tom! Underage drinking is a big enough problem without you encouraging it!
>This water is the edge I need to insure maximum victory!
Crow: Because it’s spiked with those new non-traceable steroids!
Joel: Crow! Drug abuse is even worse than underage drinking!
>Wha...?
Crow: You don’t want to know.
>Nicole: Watch it, Chill. One *Loser* comin’ through!
Tom: [as Nicole] and I’m ahead of them so watch out for the team!
>Wipe out!!!
Joel: That’s what they should have done to this script.
>Chill: Somehow the others have rehydrated! I’ll put a stop to that!
Crow: I’ll spit in all the water!
Joel: No nononono.
Crow: Would you rather I had said he could -
Joel: No! I don’t want to hear it.
>Later, downhill
Crow: Man, this mountain must be really big if they can go downhill so far...
>Chill: My freezemaster will turn their bottles of water back into an iceberg -- for good!
Joel: Huh? All ice melts at 32 degrees Fahrenheit (or 0 degrees Celsius.) You can’t permanently trap something in ice forever.
>Crystal: Creep!
Crow: How dare you move at the last minute making me hit your hand instead of your -
Joel: Crow! What’s gotten into you!?
Crow: I don’t know, Joel.
>Chill: Huh -- who?
Tom: [raps] Hi! My name is/ What!?/ My name is/ Who!?/ My name is --
Joel: I don’t think I want to know about that one...
>Crystal: Grab him, X-Stream!
Tom: He’s the one who put the Vodka in our water bottles!
Joel: *SIGH*....
Crow: Say, have you noticed how much Crystal looks like Phoenix?
>X-Stream: Missed!
Crow: It’s a miss! It’s a miss!
(Gypsy sticks her head in the door.)
Gypsy: What do you want, Crow!? I’m busy!
Joel: He didn’t mean you.
>Chill: Chill is too fast for you losers!
Joel: Man, stop shouting! I’m starting to go deaf.
Tom: Huh? What did you say? All this shouting is making me hard of hearing.
>Ice: Reality check, slick!
(Joel and the bots giggle uncontrollably.)
Crowl: Sorry, but your reality check bounced.
Joel: Someone should give one to you people.
>The Hydrators are going to shut you down!
Tom: [sings] It happened on the strips where the road is wide/ Two cool sharks standing side by side/ Yea, my fuel injected Stingray with a .413/ We’re revving up our engines and it sounds real mean.
All: Back it up/ back it up/ Buddy gonna shut you down.
. >Ice: Enjoy the ride!
Crow: Well, if you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
>Chill: YAAH!
Tom: [Jamaican accent] Yea, you should calm down, mon.
>Vapor: Thanks for dropping in, dude!
Joel: Don’t even try this one.
Crow: Aw, Joel, you’re taking all the fun ones away.
>Hydro: A Trick snowboard!
Tom: Well, I feel like I’ve been tricked too...
>Looks like you’ll be disqualified from competition for a long time, kid!
Crow: I want an appeal! I’ll send it to the same board that reinstated Latrell Spriwell!*
>Vapor: Maybe now You’ll learn to chill out!
Crow: [ghetto accent] Yo, my homies and me, we just chilllin’ out here.
>Chill: Maximum bummer!
Joel: Ah, more honesty in Marvel Comics!
(The screen then shows Dr. Forrester there.)
Dr. Forrester: Hold on there, Joel. That’s only part one of four. Now here’s part II: “Day of Decay”
Tom: You mean there’s four of these things?
Crow: Should have stopped with one.
Dr. Forrester: Tough! I had to drink two six-packs of the stuff to get this!
>Kidz Water Hydrators™
>To Enpower Those In Need Through Proper Hydration
Joel: I Wonder Why They Felt The Need To Capitalize Every Word?
Tom: Beats Me, Joel.
>Doctor Decay:
Crow: I wonder if he’s any relation to Doctor Dotcom?
Tom: He’s about the same level of stupidity.
>HA! HA! HA! Get ready to rot, world!
Joel: He sounds like Dr. Forrester after he thinks he’s found his ultimate bad piece of media.
Tom: Of course, he’s not even close.
>I’ve got power to burn and my decay rays are energized -- to the maximum!
Joel: Decay rays?
Crow: [as Dr. Decay] We’re going to entropy you to death!!
>Soon millions will feel the wrath of Doctor Decay!
Joel: Considering Dr. Forrester sent this to us, I’d say we’re already feeling his wrath.
>Meanwhile, the hydrators are attending a birthday party for their pal, Zack!
Tom: The Black Ranger?
Crow: If only we were so lucky...
>Hydro: Hey, Zack, check out the size of the sculpture Ice is creating!
Crow: I’ve seen bigger.
>Even astronauts in space can see how old you are!
Crow: [as Zack] But Hydro! I don’t want everyone to know I’m 19 and still in 3rd grade!
>Zack: Wow! Thanks, Hydro!
Joel: I wonder why they feel they need to bold people’s names? What do you think, Crow?
Crow: Gee, I don’t know, Joel. How about you, Tom?
Tom: Leave me out of this one.
>Zack: Oww -- suddenly my teeth hurt!
Tom: [as random kid] Well, you said you wanted a marble cake, so we made you one - with fresh marbles.
Joel: If you like this, then you’ve lost your marbles.
>Crystal: Let me take a look!
Crow: [Western drawl] Now just hold a moment there, pilgrim. You’re an adventurer, not a dentist! When I go fer dental work, I’ll go to Doc Holiday.
Tom: She’s not a doctor, and she still doesn’t play one on t.v.
>Crystal: My Enamelizer shows unusually rapid decay of your tooth enamel!
Crow: [as the Church Lady] So, you just happen to have the one instrument that can show you everything right in the palm of your hand... how convieeeeenent.
Joel: This comic is a pain just slightly lower than the neck.
>Zack: But Crystal I didn’t eat that much cake!
Tom: It was only half of it...
Crow: I took a bite and it was horrible! To cleanse my palate, I had two candy bars, three cookies, and an ice cream bar! You don’t think that was too excessive, do you?
Joel: Nah... now, if you had eaten two ice cream bars, that would have been excessive.
>Hydro: Quick - drink this kidz water! It has flouride to make your teeth more resistant to decay!
Joel: I still want to see your qualifications for dispensing dental advice.
Crow: [as a random kid] Say, if I drink that, does that mean I don’t have to brush after meals?
Tom: [as different random kid] And if we drink that, does that mean no more visits to the dentist?
>Zack: Mmm - it’s good, too!
Joel: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Aw, man...
>Ice: I’ve detected an extremely weird energy wave which must be affecting the kids enamel!
Joel: Gee, what could have given you that idea?
Crow: Strange that this energy is affecting the kids but not the hydrators.
Tom: Well, it’s their comic book...
Joel: And bad teeth is not a traditional characteristic of a hero or heroine.
>But if my guess is right, it will begin to decay everyone’s teeth -- and quickly!
Joel: What if your guess isn’t correct?
Crow: [as Ice] Then we’ll have no plot!
Tom: Say, that green energy there makes the kids look like they’re sharing vomit, doesn’t it?
All: Ugh!
>Ice: I think I can track the wave’s source!
(Tom hums “Pipeline”)
>Hydro: Let’s move out Hydrators! We may not have much time!
Crow: Because, after all, the comic book is half over and we haven’t met the villain of this piece yet!
Tom: We’re getting away from these waves as fast as we can!
>Misty: One suspicious-looking fortress dead ahead!
Joel: Amazing how fast they traveled in such a short time...
Crow: Well, the comic is only six pages long....
>My fog bank will cover our approach!
Tom: Her name is Misty and she makes fog. *GROAN*....
>Hydro: Good work, Misty! That energy dish is our target X-Stream -- take it out!
Tom: [sings] Take out the papers and the trash/ Or you don’t get no spending cash...
Joel: I’m still amazed that they could go from that nice park to this dark, foreboding fortress so quickly....
>X-Stream: My hydrophasers high-intensity water beam will total these metal supports!
Tom: Let’s see here... four metal supports... that totals $211.33 including tax.
>Vapor: Totally cool work, X-Stream!
Joel: There’s that name bolding thing again...
Crow: Gee Joel, Does that mean that we have to do it too?
>Whoever did this is going to get their energy waves back the the hard way -- courtesy of Vapor!
Joel: Too bad it’s not going to affect him.
Crow: And he’s getting them the hard way? How do you send waves through the air the hard way?
>Doctor Decay: Arrgh! You meddlers have destroyed my decay ray emitter!
Tom: Look at it this way: It's spared the rest of this story.
Crow: [as Dr. Decay] It took me forever to build it! Now rebuilding it will take years!
>But You’ll never stop Doctor Decay!
Tom: I have an unlimited source of bad dialogue!
>I won’t rest until the world’s teeth are ruined -- like mine!
Joel: Good thing I live in a satellite, above plant Earth.
>Hydro: Forget it, villain -- you’re finished!
Crow: Hey! That was ripped-off from the hero’s dialogue handbook!
Tom: Well, it’s Marvel, it’s not supposed to be original...
>Doctor Decay: Not while I have my portable decay blaster!
Crow: I really don’t see how ruining someone’s teeth would stop them from rushing up to a man and punching him or kicking him.
Joel Maybe he thinks he’s fighting the teeth-walking tetragons of Taurus 13-12-3M!
Tom: That ray still looks like puke to me.
>I shall laugh while your teeth rot away!
Tom: But let me perfect my villain laugh first! [monotone] Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
>Crystal: Talk about a one track mind!
Crow: He hasn’t taken his eyes off my -
Joel: Stop right there.
>But don’t worry, My ice crystal shield will protect us!
Joel: She’s mighty quick on the draw if she could create an ice shield that big that fast.
>Hydro: Good work, Crystal! Now we’ll bring this tin-jawed madman to justice -- hydrator style!
Tom: By throwing all this overpriced tap water on him!
Crow: Well, the story’s only six pages long, they had to end it quickly.
>Doctor Decay: My beautiful mechanical teeth --- they’re shorting out!
Crow: Now I can’t impress the babes by biting through solid steel anymore!
Joel: Is it just me, or does anyone else think it’s a stupid idea to put something electrical in your mouth?
>Ice: Looks like Decay is all washed up!
Crow: Along with anyone who made this.
Tom:And it was really expensive to wash him in this overpriced tap water!
Joel: You know, I read somewhere that Shannen Daugherty bathes only in Evian. Why, I don’t know. Tap water does a good enough job.
>You sure did rain on his parade!
Joel: Stories like this have been raining on my parade ever since I was hijacked here.
>Way to dampen his spirits!
Joel: You’ll never break me, you hear me!? Never!!!
Crow: You just contradicted yourself, Joel.
>Hydro: Oh, give me a break!
Tom: Why? We never get a break from these things. One every week without fail!
>Crystal: Ice, You’re all wet!
Joel: So is this comic. Man, all this talk of water has given me the urge to go to the bathroom.
(The screen shows Dr. Forrester.)
Forrester: Well, halfway to insanity, are we?
Tom: Not even close.
Forrester: Well, the second half is just as bad - the third one is a rehash of the first - and now, The H.E.A.T. is on!
>The H.E.A.T. is on!
Joel: Well, duh! The heat’s on because it gets very cold out in space without it.
>H.E.A.T. leader: It’s go time, boys! Are you with me?!
Crow: [as random H.E.A.T. member] I dunno...
Tom: [also as random H.E.A.T. member] Wait! Wait! I need to pack my things!
>H.E.A.T. Member: Aye-aye, Sir!
Crow: Ah, we’ve got some good, dull, obedient lackeys around here...
>Let’s hear the secret plan again, leader!
Tom: Well, if I told you, it wouldn’t be a secret!
>H.E.A.T. Leader: First we take over that space shuttle and trash the science hunk it’s carrying!
Crow: After all, we don’t need to know whether or not bees can make their honeycombs in zero g’s..
Tom: And who cares that they’re making special medications that can only be prepared in zero g... What we want is more important than a few hundred lives!
>Then We’ll launch it -- with our planet scorcher satellites on board!
Joel: There goes the greenhouse effect again...
Crow: You know, the greenhouse effect is much worse now than when this was written back in 1999. I wish they’d do something about that...
: >With our satellites in orbit, we’ll be able to dehydrate any part of earth! Then H.E.A.T.* Will rein supreme!
Tom: I don’t think that’s going to work too well in the desert, do you?
Crow: And just what do you plan to do with all the water that’s going to get evaporated? Matter cannot be destroyed, you know!
>*Hydration Elimination Action Team.
Joel: Well, at least this acronym is clear. After all, how many people know what S.H.I.E.L.D. stands for?
Tom: Strategic Hazard Intervention and Espionage Logistics Directorate
Crow: I got confused too, Joel. It used to be Supreme Headquarters, International Espionage Law-Enforcement Division and now over in Mutant X it’s Saviors of Humanity by Intervention in the Evolution of Life-form Deviants.
>Let’s heat ‘em up!
Tom: [sings] Got to feel it hot, hot, hot!
>With our mega-heat beam, those dopes down there will be dehydrated in no time -- easy targets for the agents of H.E.A.T.!
Joel: Strange that they’re shooting all that fire and the building isn’t burning.
Crow: I told you, Joel, Marvel comics don’t use logic at all.
>Caption: Below, a school group on the observation deck feels the big warm up... or do they?
Joel: I don’t see how they couldn’t.
Tom: Yes, let’s needlessly endanger children. It’s a sure-fire way to win over their Parents Resource Center.
>Mr. King: Sure is getting hot, eh Cindy?
>Cindy: Yea, right Mr. King! *Whew*
Crow: Say... is there something we *Don’t know* about these two?
Joel: Just that they’re terrible actors.
>Mr. King: So far so good, Crystal. Those H.E.A.T. agents are sure in for a surprise!
Joel: Why are they saying that loudly? Aren’t they afraid that H.E.A.T. will find them out?
Crow: Apparently not.
>H.E.A.T. leader: Hey! Why aren’t those people dehydrated already?!?
Tom: That’s what you get for using cheap third world parts!
Crow: [as the H.E.A.T. leader] Curses! Foiled by my own cheapness!
Joel: And with all this shouting going on, I’m starting to go deaf.
>Speak up, agent!
Tom: Looks like it’s too late for him.
Crow:[as if he has water in his mouth] Manf sdf nvr tlf wf yr mof fll.
Joel: Huh?
Crow: Mama said never to talk with your mouth full.
>Who..?
Joel: “I’m Batman”
Crow: Wrong comic book company, Joel.
Joel: I’m sorry, Crow. It’s so easy to get them confused...
>Vapor: Say it with me, dude --
All: God this story is horrible!
>Oh no, it’s the Hydrators!
Crow: Oh no, it’s hydrator stories!
Tom: And the Hydrators have come to make you take a bath!
>Hydro: And you can Forget about your master plan to dehydrate the world!
Crow: Plan? I had a plan? I can’t remember.
Tom: How could you forget it? That plan was brilliant!
>H.E.A.T. leader: How can they know our master plan?
Tom: Duh! You blabbed about it on page 1, dude!
>We sued double secret security measures!
Crow: And a lot of good it did you.
Tom: If we had just gone for the triple, we would have won!
>X-Stream: I’ll tell you how!
Joel: You’re the bad guy and the bad guy’s plans always fail?
Crow: It was a dumb idea so we had to stop it.
>You blabbed the whole plan in front of me -- X-Stream-- full-fledged hydrator and Master spy!
Crow: [as the H.E.A.T. leader] Curses! Next time I’m not going to tell anyone my plan until it’s too late!
Joel: James Bond need not worry about competition from this guy.
>H.E.A.T. Leader: An imposter in our midst!
Tom: [sings] You don’t believe what you write/ You’re an imposter/ You don’t believe what you write/ You’re an imposter/ No one believes what you write/ You don’t don’t believe what you write!
>One who pretends to be one thing when he is quite clearly something else!
Crow: Thank you, Mr. Webster. Like we didn’t already know the definition of the word imposter.
>I hate imposters!
Tom: Well, I don’t think they’re too crazy about you either...
Crow: [as the H.E.A.T. leader] I’m revoking all your privileges - no more medical and dental for you!
>Caption: Below, the kids recover quickly from the heat ray...
Joel: Funny, it didn’t look like it affected them that much in the first place...
>Crystal: See? Drinking plenty of kidz water before You get hot helps prevent dehydration.
Tom: and gives you the runs.
Joel: Tom!
>Cindy: Your ice shields helped too, Crystal!
Crow: [as the male kid] But... now... we... can’t... breathe...
>Meanwhile...
Joel: Gee, there’s a lot of action going on at once. I wonder how we can keep up with it all.
Tom: I think a better question would be do we want to keep up with it all?
>Misty: Don’t worry, X-Stream -- I’ll catch you!
Tom: Brings a whole new definition to the term picking up a man...
>X-Stream: Worry?
Crow: Who does he think he is, Alfred E. Neuman?
>That was a blast!
Joel: He blew up the place?
Crow: How can you tell?
>Where did my fellow H.E.A.T. agents go, Misty?
Tom: If they had any sense, they’d try to run away from this story as fast as possible.
>Misty: I’ve whipped up a little fog bank -- they’re flying blind!
Crow: Fortunately, their instruments permitted them to fly without seeing things.
>H.E.A.T. leader: Look at this mess --
Joel: We’re already having to read this story.
>Our secret plan is less secret!
Tom: Well, if you hadn’t blabbed about it.
Joel: “A still tongue makes for a happy life.”
>Our only chance now is to surrender!
Tom: [sings] No retreat/ Baby no surrender.
Joel: [sings] We could never surrender!
Crow: [as Luke Skywalker] I’m not coming with you to the dark side! Never!
Crow: I wonder what the author thinks about this story?
>Nonsense!
Crow: Guess that answers that question.
>We’ve got them right Where we want them!
Crow: At this angle, I can see right down Crystal’s uniform -
Joel: Crow!
>Ice: Oh, please!
All: [as Ice] Get me out of this story!!
>I’m going to put you jokers on ice before you hurt yourselves!
Joel: Nice of him to think about their safety. But then again, surrounding them with ice will cause them to suffocate, won’t it?
>Your secret mission is a total bust!
Crow:Just like this story.
>Caption: All’s well that ends well!
Joel: Well, so far, things haven’t gone well for us...
>Hydro: Hey, let’s see how mister Dehydrator here would like a nice cool bottle of Kidz Water before he goes to jail!
Tom: You’re out of your mind! I need cigarettes! They’re like gold in prison!
Crow: Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes good? They’re
>H.E.A.T. man: GRRRRRR!
Crow: EAT!
>The End!
Crow: And there was much rejoicing.
All: Yea.
(The screen fills with Dr. Forrester.)
Dr. Forrester: Hold those cheers, you lot. That was only part three. I saved the worst for last. Number four is next... and it’s going to drive you all insane... For now, Fizz goes Flat!
> Fizz goes flat!
Crow: Just like the story... already.
>Hydro: Hold it right there, mister!
Tom: You didn’t say “mother may I?” You’ve got to go back to start!
>Fizz: Ooooh, it’s the Hydrators! You’re too late!
Crow: Escape from this story is impossible now! You should have gotten out while the getting was good!
>You water lovers are too late!
Crow: They had a honeymoon at Niagara Falls?
>Using my vari-beam flava-drink cannon, I , Fizz, have filled the entire city reservoir with sweet, bubbly Soda!
Crow: And believe me, it wasn’t easy finding 3 tons of sweetened baking soda.
>Hydro: You sick criminal...
Tom: He’s got a cold and is spreading it through the city via its water supply!
Joel: I really can’t imagine what would happen if you pumped this through a sprinkler system.. .
>Fizz: Have you got water on the brain?
Crow: I think we should ask that of anyone who actually likes this!
>I’m no criminal!
Tom: But I play one on t.v.
>I’m a public servant...
Crow: Which is a nice way of saying bureaucrat. So go back to your desk and push your pencils!
>Just ask my public...
Joel: I don’t know, he’s got a bad haircut and breath...
Crow: Must be from all that soda he drinks.
>Kid: You’re the man, Fizz!
Tom: [sings] He’s the man/ He’s the man/ And I can have sex anytime you want it -
Crow: [as the kid] All right, I said I liked this crap, now where’s my money?
Joel: The check’s in the mail.
>Kid: Great soda, big guy!
Crow: And just how do you know he’s big?
Joel: Crow!
Tom: [as the kid] I want my money now!
>Fizz: You see? People want This!
All: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Crow: People actually want bad dialogue, horrible storylines, and unfathomable plot twists?
>You can kiss every rotten drop of water on this planet good-bye, Hydro!
Crow: But where would all the fishes live?
Tom: I doubt you can water plants with a fizzy soda.
Joel: I wonder what this kid thinks about the plot?
>Kid: *Yawn*
Joel: Guess that answers that question.
>So sleepy...
Tom: I shouldn’t have stayed up past my bedtime last night!
>Kid: I don’t feel so good...
Crow: That’s because that drink was spiked with LSD!
Joel: Crow! What has gotten into you?
>Fizz: Drink up, guys -- and why don’t you have some too, Crystal!
Joel: (holds up a question mark) Hey, you dropped this.
Crow: [as Crystal] No way! That stuff goes right to my thighs!
>Crystal: That’s Enough!
Tom: She’s stopping this story?
Joel: I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
>Tell them what else awaits them in your “paradise” of artificially sweetened drinks, fizz!
Crow: (announcer voice) Well Crystal, we’ve got fabulously hot babes in skimpy swimwear parading around in our commercials!
Tom: [sings] Jouky is so kooky it’s a party in a can!
>Obesity, dehydration, osteoporosis, tooth decay --
Tom: Halitosis, psychosis, and don’t forget Shistisumaiasis!
Joel: Reading all this straight would make anyone psychotic.
>that’s What you kids can expect if that’s all that you drink!
Tom: [as random kid] What about milk?
Crow: That’s a different ad, kid.
>Fizz: Lies! All Lies!
Tom: [sings] Lies lies lies yea-a/ They’re gonna get you...
>We don’t want to hear that!
Tom: [sings] I turned off my hearing aid/ Don’t say/ The electric chair’s not good enough/ For mean lazy folks like myself...
>I guess I’ll have to give you water lovers something special!
Crow: [as random Hydrator] Flowers? Oh, how thoughtful!
Tom: Chocolate candies? You shouldn’t have...
Joel: I agree with that second sentence about this comic book, Tom.
>Now -- taste my power punch!
Crow: Ah, it tastes terrible. How about some of that cola stuff instead?
>Wha? Who?
Joel: “I’m Batman.”
Tom: Joel, wrong comic book company.
>X-Stream: The name’s X-Stream, Fizzy! Let’s see what you’ve got --
Crow: Hey, homey don’t play that!
Joel: [coldly] Good.
>My hydrophaser vs. your oversized squirt gun!
Tom: The battle of the Kirby machines! Who will win?
Joel: Who cares?
>Fizz: Bring it on!
Joel: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Not going to touch it with a 10 foot pole.
>No! My glorious Power Punch--
Crow: Now I’m going to have to go back to my day job at the Mcburgers!
>(The cannon explodes.)
Tom: [as Fizz] Curses! That’s what I get for using cheap foreign parts!
>Flava-drink cannon overloaded!
Crow: Well, look at it this way: It’s spared the rest of the story.
>That’s it --
Tom: They’re ending the story now?
Joel: Don’t get your hopes up.
>I’m outta here!
Tom: [as random Hydrator] G’wan! Get outta here! We don’t need you here!
Crow: [as Fizz] I see a way out of this story and I’m taking it!
>Fizz tries to escape, but Vapor steps in --
Joel: How does stepping in vapor hurt you?
>Vapor: One instant geyser -- Coming up!
Joel: [sings] It’s coming up/ Like a flower/ It’s coming up...
Tom: Ah, I love Paul McCarthy.
Crow: I’ve seen bigger geysers.
>One flying jerk --
Joel: Don’t try this one.
Crow: It’s pretty disgusting if you take it the wrong way.
>coming down!
Tom: Just like this plotline!
>Dude, your public wants to tell you what it thinks of your fancy drinks! Kids?
Crow: [as random kid] I can’t believe you charged me $7.00 for 10 ounces of this stuff!
Tom: Must have gotten it at the concession stand.
>The kids respond by hurling their flavored drinks
Crow: And the smell is horrific! Not to mention that the sight of kids puking is revolting.
Joel: Crow!
>to the ground -- thanks to the Hydrators, they’ve seen the light.
Tom: [sings] If you could see the light/ Shining where you feel...
Crow: [as random kid] I’ve seen the light... and your overpriced tap water is no better than this sugary sweet drink! I’m stinking to my milk!
Joel: [as another random kid] You package your stuff in this non-recyclable plastic! Until you give us recyclable plastic, I’m not buying any more of this!
>Crystal: Well, the reservoir is full of cool, clear water again!
Joel: So what happened to all that soda? You can’t just make it magically vanish!
>What do you think, kids?
Crow: [as a random kid] I just remembered! I forgot to do my math homework!
Tom: [as another random kid] This writing is terrible! Get it out of here!
>Kid: You’re the man Hydro!
Tom: [sings] He’s the man/ He’s the man/ And I’m king of my castle as long as you’re not around...
Crow: Funny, it looks like Crystal is saying that...
>Great kidz water, Big guy!
Crow: I’d still like to know how he knows Hydro’s big.
Joel: Crow!
Tom: [as random Hydrator] And all of it was personally passed by one of us!
Joel: Tom!
>The End
Joel: It’s about the only enjoyable thing about this story.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. SOL bridge.)
Joel: That’s how I like my stories... nice and short.
(The screen comes to life, showing Dr. Forrester there.)
Dr. Forrester: Well Joel, how do we feel now, hm?
Joel: I’m fine, thanks for asking.
Dr. Forrester: What? You’re not feeling a little insane?
Joel: No, not the least. Thanks for asking.
(Dr. Forrester grits his teeth.)
Dr. Forrester: Gr! I knew this was too short. Well, I’ll be back again, and next time, I’ll have something very delightfully horrid...
*For those of you who don’t know, Latrell Spriwell was a basketball player who punched a referee out. He was suspended for a few games, but filed an appeal with the NBA and won.