Original by the Commission on Superhuman Activities.
MiST by Quamp and The Icehole
MiSTer’s Note: To start things off, the Commission promises us a Rogue and Gambit story, and instead delivers this. I’m sorry I’m not more familiar with Sailor Moon. Otherwise, I’m pretty sure I’d find a lot more lines ripped-off from it. To all Sailor Moon fans: I’m sorry I have to subject you this terrible fan fic. But hey, don’t flame me, flame the Commission! (well, except that the e-mail they give us invalid.)
(SOL bridge. Gypsy is furiously working on the control panel.)
Gypsy: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...
(Enter Crow and Tom.)
Crow: Gypsy, what’s wrong?
Gypsy (not looking up): Can this wait, Crow? I’m busy!
Tom: That bad, hm?
(Enter Mike and Big John.)
Mike: And if I ever catch you going through my closet again, I’m throwing you out into the vacuum of space!
Big John: Doesn’t matter to me. I’m a robot, I don’t breathe.
(The viewscreen comes to life, and we see Pearl and Bobo there. They are dressed as they usually are.)
Pearl: Listen up you useless excuse for a human being, I’ve got another fan fiction ready to torture you with!
Big John: Bring it on, Pearl! And by the way, you were terrible in bed!
Crow Big John, don’t antagonize her!
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Shut up! Get ready for this one. It combines two really horrific things... a Sailor Moon/X-Force crossover, and writing by the Commission on Superhuman activities!
(SOL.)
Tom: You fiend! That sounds like a sure-fire formula for disaster!
Magic Voice: Commercial light in 30 seconds...
(Castle Forrester)
Pearl: Just wait until you see the fan fiction...
Bobo: Mom, we need to get going. The sale at Giaconnos’ fashions is starting!
(SOL.)
Mike: You won’t break me, Pearl! Never!
(The Fan fiction light comes on again.)
Tom:Oh my God! It’s here!!
Mike: Courage, Tom... we can make it through this one...
(Door sequence.)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7- (Commercials. When we come back, theater. We see Mike, Crow, Tom, and Big John sitting there.)
Mike: all right, let’s take a look at this...
>X-Force: “Sail Away”
Tom: [sings Enya’s “Orinoco Flow”] Sail away, sail away, sail away.
Big John: [Sings] Come sail away/ Come sail away/ Won’t you sail away with me, baby!
Crow: [Sings] Sailing/ Takes me away/ To where I always/ Knew it could be. Just the breeze and the wind to carry me/ Soon I will be free.
Mike: Dream on, Crow.
>By The Commission on Superhuman activities.
>[email protected]
MiSTer’s note: Again they give us an invalid e-mail.
Mike: Probably because they don’t want to be flooded with flames.
>Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is owned by Hitachi, and X-Force is owned by Marvel. This is not for profit. “Sue a beggar, get a louse.”
Mike: Read a fan fic by the Commission, get brain dead.
Big John: “Abandon all logic ye who enter here.”
Crow: Gee... and to think all this time I thought that Sailor Moon was owned by Naoko Takeuchi... I’m glad they corrected me on that one.
>Teaser image: We see the members of X-Force and the Sailor Scouts rushing toward each other.
Big John: [sings] Run away from the church/ Run away from guilt/ Run away from your dreams/ And everything you built/ Run into the light.
>Captions: Sailor Moon meets X-Force!
Mike: O.K., we had Sailor Moon meet Spider-Man, and that was a disaster. Then we had Sailor Moon meet the X-Men, and that was a disaster. Now, the Commission on Superhuman activities, notoriously bad, wants to put X-Force and the Sailor Scouts together!?
Big John: “If we do not learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it.”
Crow: Looks like the Commission is about to repeat history... again and again and again...
>(Page 1, panel 1. We see the Sailor Scouts in the woods, setting up tents.)
Big John: [sings] I take one, one/ One ‘cause she left me.
Mike: I never knew they were those kind of scouts.
Crow: I don’t think any of us did.
>Caption: The Giant Sequin forrest, California.
Mike: Giant sequins? Aren’t sequins the things on people’s clothing that make them sparkle?
Tom: So that’s where those things come from...
>Sailor Moon and her fellow Sailor Scouts have gotten their camp ready for the evening.
Big John: Forgive my ignorance, but I thought the Sailor Scouts were based in Tokyo.
Tom: Sure are.
Crow: Looks like the writers don’t know much about Sailor Moon.
>Sailor Mercury: Amy, isn’t this fun! We’ve gotten away from it all and we’re camping in the woods.
Mike: No, this isn’t fun.
Crow: Wait a minute! Amy is Sailor Mercury!
Mike: She’s talking to herself?
Big John: It’s probably the only way she can get intelligent conversation.
>Sailor Venus: You said it, Serena!
Tom Serena is Sailor Moon...
Mike: This is gonna be a long fan fic... and MiSTing.
>(Panel 2. Enter Sailor Europa with an armload of firewood.)
Mike: I didn’t know there was a Sailor Europa.
Crow: Neither did I.
>Sailor Europa: Look, gang! I got us some firewood for this evening!
Mike: [as Smokey the Bear] Only you can prevent forest fires.
Tom: Someone should set this fan fic on fire.
>Sailor Moon: That’s great, Melody! And we’ll sit around the fire and tell ghost stories and tell secrets and stuff!
Mike: And we’ll speak in run-on sentences that never end and stuff!
>(Panel 3. Sailor Europa sets her wood down in the firepit.)
>Sailor Pluto: Great idea, Jen.
Tom: [angered]: Sailor Moon is SERENA!!!
Mike: You know, this really isn’t helping the plot any...
>(Panel 4. We see a roaring fire going. The Sailor Scouts are roasting marshmallows.)
Tom: [sings] Chestnuts roasting on an open fire..
>Sailur Jupitor:
Crow: Haven’t you heard of a dictionary!?!? USE IT!!
>Well, that new guy Brandon was a total hunk!
Tom: Too bad he turned out to be gay.
Mike: Tom!
Big John: What’s wrong with being gay?
Mike: Nothing. But it’s one of those things that you do not bring up here.
>Sailor Mars: You said it, aNtoinette!
Tom & Crow [simultaneously] SAILOR JUPITER IS LITA!!!!
>Sailor Neptune: So are you thinking of going after him, Kim?
Tom: Sailor Mars is Raye!
Crow: Tom, forget it. They can’t get anything right.
>(Panel 5. The Sailor Scouts giggle.)
>Caption they giggle like schoolkids.
Big John: While they cover up mass murders, and plot for more....
Mike: Big John!
Crow: I don’t know why we even bother sometimes...
>Little knowing what lies ahead for them.
Mike: But I know! It’s bad dialogue, overly predictable plot twists, misspelled words and bad grammar!
Big John: Those are pretty much characteristic of any Commission fan fic.
>(Page 2, panwl 1. Castle Beryl. We see the place in longshot.)
Big John: [sings] And two, two/ Two for my family.
Crow: It’s inside a mutant with good luck powers?
Mike: No, no. They mean it’s seen in a wide view.
Tom: [announcer type voice]: And then suddenly Letterman enters! He takes the e from his varsity sweater, puts it over the w, and turns the panwl back into a panel!
(All who can cheer and applaud.)
>Captionn: A place of pain and suffering.
Mike: Just like the SOL, right?
>Inside is one of the most wicked men ever to live.
>His name is Malachite.
Tom: Yes, Malachite is the evil henchman, but the main villain is Queen Beryl, right?
Crow: I’ve got this sinking feeling...
>(Panel 2. Go inside to see King Malachite lording it over Beryl.)
Tom: Did I read what I think I just read?
Crow Your optical sensors do not deceive you. They really screwed that one up.
Mike: Come on, guys, This is the Commission...
>Malachite: SO!
Big John: There! Nyah!
Mike: [sings] A needle pulling thread!
>The sailor scouts are having a nice, quiet day away from it all? Then it is the time to strike and destroy them once and for all!
Big John: You never could before, what makes you think you can now?
Mike I’m willing to bet the Sailor Scouts regret moving to the Marvel Universe.
>(Panel 3. Malachite stands.)
>Beryl: Yes, oh Mighty Malachite.
>Malachite: Prepare our magical warp chamber. Tonight, we will feast on the blood of our fallen enemies!
Tom: And while we do this, we’ll be spouting off horrific platitudes, misspelled words and bad grammar!
>(Panel 4. X-Force headquarters, San Francisco. We see the teem relaxing in front of the televison.)
Mike: And then they suddenly realize that they’re in a terrible fan fiction, and try desperately to find a way out!
>Caption: Meenwhile, in X-Force headquarters, the teal settles down for the evening.
Tom: [Announcer voice] Then letterman enters again! He takes the m from his varsity sweater, and turns the teal back into team!
Big John: I have a feeling we’re going to be needing him all throughout this fan fiction.
Crow: I have a feeling this story’s going to drag down further.
>Sunspot: Madre de dios!
Crow: [as Sunspot] I’m back to spouting Spanish phrases when I’m a Brazilian!
>We’re going to have a great time tonight!
Mike: Given that Pearl sent this to us, I’m willing to bet they won’t...
>Meltdawn: You said it, boyfriend! And what’s better, we’re gonna Par=TAY!
Crow: [sings] So tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1999!
Mike: You know, it’s been only a few weeks into 1999, and already I’m sick of that song constantly playing on the radio.
Tom: Uh, Mike, you just broke the fourth wall.
Mike: Oops. But you have to admit, it’s everywhere now. We’re going to have to endure a whole year of the 1982 Prince song about partying while there’s a nuclear war going on.
>(Page 3, panel 1. We see the members of X-Force decorating the place for a party. Siryn is in the air, hanging streamers, Warpath brings out a large punch bowl full of pinch,
Big John: [sings] And three, three/ Three for my heartaches.
Mike: This fan fic is beginning to be one big headache.
Tom: And once again Letterman enters! He takes the u from his varsity sweater, and turns the pinch back into punch!
>and the otehrs are setting up the parity.)
>Domino: It’s been too long since I really had a chance to relax.
Big John: Well, you can just come up here anytime and I’ll show you some relaxation.
Mike: Big John! Stop it!
Big John: Man, you really need help.
>Siryn: Aye... tonight it’s just us.
>Deadpool: You said it, Terry. And we’re gonna have a great time tonight!
Big John: Hold it right there! Deadpool is not a member of X-Force!!
Mike: Since when has that stopped the Commission from doing something dumb like that?
Crow: You gotta give them extra bozo points for this one. After having to endure that horrific Axe Grinder story of theirs, you’d think they kinda sorta knew Deadpool.
>(Panel 2. Enter Cannonball checks over everything.)
Tom: Suddenly, he finds half of the silverware missing! All faces immediately turn to Deadpool!
>Cannoball: Hey, youse guys,
Crow: Cannonball is from spot-in-the-road Kentucky!! Why on Earth does he have a New York accent!?!?!?
Tom: [as Rod Serling] you are entering another dimension, a place not of sight or sound but of lack of mind... a place where continuity doesn’t exist... a place where mistakes are as routine as looking at a watch... At the signpost up ahead, you are entering the Commission of Superhuman Activities zone.
>We forgot the dip!
Mike: No you didn’t. It’s the people writing this piece!
>Deaedpool: No prob, Sammy. I’ll just pop to the store.
Tom: Yea, run, flee while you can!
>(Panel 3. Deadpool teleports out.)
>Siryn: Well, we’re almost done here.
Tom: You mean this fan fic is almost over?
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up, Tom.
>(Panel 4. MLF headquarters.
Tom: And now for another completely irrelevant sub-plot.
>Reinfire and Locus have the team sitting around a table.)
Big John: Huh??? Reinfire and Locus betrayed the MLF!
Crow: Marvel is having enough trouble with its continuity, and unfortunately, these guys are helping them along the road to ruin...
>Reinfire: We have to strike now!
Mike: Strike one!
>Because now is when they least expect it!
Big John: Clichés-r-us must love these guys.
>(Panel 5. They continue to talk.)
>Locus: Well,
Crow: A very deep subject for shallow minds like these.
>We’ve got to strike them hard!
Mike: Strike two!
>Reinfore: Get ready, my friends... tonight, we strike!
Mike: Strike three! You’re out!
Crow: Yea... out of their minds.
>(Page 4, panel 1. Suddenly King Malachite and Beryl appear.)
Big John: [sings]And four, four/ Four for my headaches.
Tom:And Reinfire, expecting the worst, blows them away!
Mike: Tom!
>King Malachite: Attend me people!
Crow: [snooty accent] For I am a king (although I can't figure out how I became king) and I simply must be attended to!
Tom: [as Malachite] Someone explain to me how I became king when I’m normally the henchman!
>I have a deal that will benefit us both!
Big John: Oh no! Not Quantum Leap salespeople again!
Mike: Are you sure they’re not Amway salespeople?
>(Panel 2. Rainfire turns to face the King.
Tom: And once again Letterman enters! He takes the e from his varsity sweater, puts it over the a, and turns Rainfire back into Reinfire!
Mike: We’ve got more important things than that, Tom. A close parenthesis has gone AWOL!
Big John: Must have seen a way out of this fan fic, and took it.
>Reinfire: What do you want?
Big John: World peace, and an end to poverty. But I’d settle for a hot blonde babe...
Mike: Big John!
>Malakite: I have a deal which will help us be rid of our enemies once and for all!
Tom: [perks up] You’re offing the Commission?
Mike: Dream on, Tom.
>(Panel 3. Reiunfire is apprehensive.)
Mike: Amazing... they foul up very common words, yet somehow manage to spell apprehensive right....
>rEinfire: What’s in it four us?
Crow: [as Malachite] I’ll use my magic to get us out of this fan fic!
>Malachite: The destruction of X_Forke!
Tom: Suddenly Letterman enters and says “Sorry gang, I’m out of letters! I can’t turn X_Forke back into X-Force!”
Big John: Good, because I don’t want to see X-Force killed.
Crow: You’re just in lust with the X-Force ladies.
Big John: Can you blame me? They’re all total babes!
>Panel 4. Reinfire narrrows his eyes.)
Mike: Maybe the Commission couldn’t afford a lot of parenthesis, so they doled them out on a triage basis.
Tom: Or maybe it’s just laziness on their part.
>Reinfire: So how do we make to do?
Tom: Huh???
>(Page 5, panel 1. Malacite strikes a pose.)
Big John [sings] And five, five/ Five for my loneliness.
Crow: [Sings to the tune of “Vogue” By Madonna] I struck a pose/ Now you got to pay me/ I want it now and I don’t mean maybe/ Give it to me now/ Dough!
>Malachite: Hemp me destroy the Sailor Scouts!
Big John: Ah-ha! A Freudian slip! So that explains the writing!
Mike: They’ve probably smoked a whole forest of the stuff in that case.
>(Panel 2. Reinfire smiles.)
>Reinfire: The sailor scots have crossed my path before... and I will help you destroy them!
Mike: OHMYGOD!! Everyone’s turning into Scottspeople!
Tom: Why, Angus McGornie, what do ye mean?
>(Panel 3. All laugh.)
Mike: They may be laughing, but I want to cry.
>Malachite: The sailor scoots will be no MORE!!
Big John: Well, I wouldn’t shout it if I were you.
>(Panel 4. Malachite and Beryl sit at the table.)
>Malachite: So, where do we begin, hm?
All: Start by destroying this fan fic!
>(Page 6, panel 1. Next morning at the Sailor Scout camp. We see Sailor Moon and Sailor Europa sleeping in their tent.)
Big John [sings]: And six, six/ Six for my sorrow
Mike: What is with these authors? Why are they so fixated on sleeping!?
Tom: It sure doesn’t help the story any.
>Caption: Quietly, silently. They sleep.
Mike: Because, after all, they aren’t in New York, where quiet is unknown.
Tom: They sleep like babies while their plans for world domination come to fruition
Crow: They sleep while their plots for mass murder come to life...
Mike: Crow!!
Big John: After all, this fan fic’s a killer... you’re likely to have your mind cave in here.
>(Panel 2. Sailor Moon and Sailor Europa wait up.)
Mike: Waiting, waiting, waiting... all this waiting, and we’re bound to be disappointed again...
>(Panel 3. The two of them sit up.)
>Sailor Moon: I had a wonderful dream, Melody.
Mike: You dreamed you somehow got out of this fan fic?
>Sailor Europea: So did I, Jen. I dreamed that Brandon and I were kissing.
Big John: Let’s see what the dream books say about that one... “Affection, warmth, and communication; also the kiss of betryal”*
Mike: This fan fic is like the kiss of death.
>(Panel 4. They stand.)
Big John: Showing themselves to be naked! WOOO-HOO!!!
Mike: Big John!!
>Sailor Moon: I can’t wait to start the day!
Tom: Too bad, because the day started without you.
>(Page 7, panel 1. We see the Sailor Scouts now dressed peasantly, while Sailor Mercury cooks brakfast.)
Big John [sings]: And seven, seven/ N-no tomorrow.
Tom: Peasantly? You mean they’re dressed in old, dirty rags?
Mike: Nice of them to learn domestic skills.
Crow: Well, all of the Sailor Scouts have the ambition to get married.
Tom: Nice of them to indoctrinate women that they should get themselves married.
Big John: Hey, it just means more babes out there looking for studs!
>Sailor Mercury: Breakfast should be ready any minute, gang!
>Sailor Pluto:So what are you making, Serena?
Crow: Let’s see here... cream of cyanide soup, ptomaine salad, and molten lead to wash it all down with!
Mike: But that’s not as toxic as this fan fic.
>(Panel 2. Sailor Mercury faces Sailor Pluto:)
Tom: ++:(
>Sailor Mars: Why, I’m making sausage, French toast, and scrambled eggs!
Big John: I thought Sailor Mercury was the one cooking.
Crow: Man, look at what she’s cooking... it’s enough to give you a heart attack.
Mike: My arteries are clogging just by reading it.
>Sailor Uranus: And I have the juice.
Crow: [as Butt-head):] Huh huh, huh-huh-huh, you said “Uranus.”
Mike: Crow!
Big John: Actually, the word is pronounced like “you’re-in-us.” Anyway, that line is just too easy.
>(Panel 3. Sailor Juipter sets their portable table.)
Crow: Grandma, I want to eat with the adults!!
Tom: Sorry, Timmy. You’ve got to wait for six of your aunts and uncles to die first.
Mike: I didn’t know they made a portable table for 10.
>(Panel 4. We see them sitting at the table.)
> Sailor Moon: Now let’s bow our heads in prayer.
Tom: Since they’re Japanese, does that mean they’ll do a Shinto prayer?
Big John: I hope so, like the ones the Sumo wrestlers do!
Mike: You just want them to spread their legs wide.
Big John: Can you blame me?
>(Panel 5. Sailor Moon prays.)
Crow: Lord in heaven, get me out of this horrific fan fic!
>Sailor Moon: Father in heaven, please bess us in this day, and blass this food and all who eat it.
Mike: [as a heavenly voice from above] You are bessed my child, and your food is blassed. But why you chose not to ask for my blessing, I do not know.
>(Page 8, panel 1. The sailor scouts est.)
Big John [sings]: And eight, eight/ I forget what eight is for.
Mike: They est? They’re in California, that’s Pacific time zone, not Eastern time!
Tom: Pig out time!!
>(Panel 2. X-Force headuarters. We see them spread out over the place, ahviing partied all night. The place is a mess of used wrappers, confetti, and other junk.)
Mike: No! Not more sleeping!!
Big John: Maybe they think that if they show some people sleeping, that someone would sleep with them?
Mike: Big John!
Crow: I doubt anyone would want to do that...
>Domino: Uhn...
Tom: I’ve got it! X-Force was secretly drugged and brought there so they could be in this fan fic!
>Warpath: I think we may have overdid things last night.
>Deadpool: Yea, bit it sure was fun.
Mike: Fun? Fan fics can be fun???
Tom: Only when they’re done right.
Crow: And I thought Warpath was into all that health food stuff, never drank, did drugs, that kind of thing.
>(Panel 3. Warpath, Deadpool, and Domino uneasily stand.)
Tom: The effects of the knockout gas still in their systems.
>Deadpool: Remind me never to shotgun more than three beers.
Mike: Remind me never to want to listen to fan fiction like this again.
>Domino: Where are the others?
Tom: Wisely trying to stay out of this fan fic as much as possible.
>(Panel 4. Warpath looks down to see Siryn had been sleeping next to him.
>Warpath: Terry!
Tom: Oh no! I killed the woman I kinda sorta not really love!
>(Page 9, panel 1. They move some of the stuff around.)
Big John [sings]: But nine, nine/ Nine for my boss guy.
Crow: And they find two of the missing Faberge eggs, a lost painting by Renoir and Jimmy Hoffa’s body!
>Domino: Bobby? Tab? Are you there?
Mike: Not tonight, I’ve got a headache.
>(Panel 2. Warpath helps Siryn up.)
>Warpath: Terry... speak to me.
Crow: Considering Siryn is a recovering alcoholic, she should have the easiest time with recovering, right?
>(Panel 3. Siryn wakens.)
>Siryn:Sorry Jimmy... I’m not used t’alcohol.
Crow: EXCUSE ME!?!?!?
Big John: Doesn’t surprise me a bit.
>(Panel 4. Domino looks at the others.0
Crow: And says: “Man, I’ve never seen us so ragged before! We’ve got to get out of this fan fic, pronto!
>Domino: Do you know where Bobby and Tan went?
Mike: But what about Cannonball?
>Cannonba;;: Ah remember... something about up... ?
Big John: Suddenly Siryn screams. “Oh me Lord! Jimmy and I did it and we didna do it safely!“
Mike: Big John, stop it!!
Tom: What I want to know is, why don’t they use the spell checker?
>(Page 10, panel 1. Go over to see Sunspot and Meltdown in bed next to each other, beneath the sheets.)
Big John [sings]: And ten, ten, ten, ten -
All: EVERYTHING/ EVERYTHING/ EVERYTHING/ EVERYTHING!!
Mike: This fan fic can just kiss off into the air.
>Caption: They partied hard.
Mike: [val accent] Like, duh!
>And now they are paying the price for it.
Big John: [sings] That’s the price of love/ Can you feel it?
>(Panel 2. Enter Domino.)
Tom: Domino delivers... and if it’s not done in 30 minutes, your next maiming is free!
>Domino: There you are. Wake up!
Crow: No! Stay asleep and drag this story down EVEN MORE!
>Meltdown: Uhn... have some respect for the dead.
Mike: No!!! Not the dead and resurrected thing over and over again!!
>(Panel 3. Domino shakes Sunspot.)
Big John: [sings] Shake shake shake/ Shake shake shake/ Shake your booty!
Crow: No! Not more ‘70’s recycling!
>Domino: Bobby, wake up!
Tom: Then Domino suddenly realizes that Sunspot is dead!
Big John: Well, if I had to go, that’s the way I’d want to go.
Mike: Oh, don’t worry about that death thing. He’s just going to be resurrected again.
>Meltdown: Bobby?
>(Panel 4. Sunspot wakes up, and then throws up at Domino’s feet.
>Sound efxets: Bleaugh!
Mike: I have to agree with him. This fan fic make me want to puke too.
>Sunspot: Caramba that was nasty.
>Domino: Booby!
Crow: [as Butt-head] huh-huh, huh-huh-huh. you said “Booby.”
Big John: Meltdown is terrible in bed? Man, that’s a letdown and then some!
>Meltdown: Bobby, are you alride?
Tom: [as Sunspot] You expect me to ride when I’m like this?
Big John: She may not be great in bed, but she makes up for it with insatiability.
>(Page 11, panel 1. Sunspot crawls into the bathroom. We cannot tell this for sure, but he seems to be )naked.
>Domino [shocked]: Bobby! Put some clothes on!
Big John: What? She sees a hot hunk like Sunspot naked and she doesn’t like it?
Crow: Big John, women are different about that. They don’t necessarily enjoy seeing men naked.
Big John: They should.
Mikg: Stop it both of you!
>(Panel 2. Sailor camp again. We see the Sailor Scouts hiking through the forest, taking in the sighs.)
Mike: Are you sure they’re those kind of scouts?
Tom: I’m pretty sure they’re not...
>Sailor Moon: Look, over there! It’s a rare red-breasted finch!
Mike: Yea, this fan fic makes me want to flinch too.
Tom: No, no, that’s finch. It’s a kind of bird.
>Sailor Venus: You said it, Tsukino! It’s so...
Mike: Don’t even try this one.
Big John: Spoilsport...
>beautiful....
Big John: Just like you babes!
Mike: And how would you know that?
Big John: Unwritten law of Marveldom #4: Every woman is a hot babe and every man is a total stud.
>(Panel 3. They continue to walk around.)
Crow: [Sings] Walk it down/ Talk it down...
>Sailor Mars: I really love the forest... it’s so calm, so peaceful... I wish I could do it forever!
Big John: Well, I have no problem with that last part, babe!
Mike: Big John!!
Crow: This fan fic... it’s so bad, so terrible... I wish it would end now.
>Sailor Saturn: You said it, Hino! This is really cool.
Mike: Huh??? First Sailor Mars was named Kim, now she’s named Hino?
Crow: Oh, well, they’re now using the Japanese names.
Tom: Finally, they get it right!
>(Panel 4. The Sailor Scouts stop.)
>Sailor Moon: I’ve got a bad feeling about this...
Mike: [Sarcastically] Well, you’re trapped in a bad fan fiction, why would you feel bad about it?
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] On my mark, everyone bolt in different directions! One of us is bound to escape and then they can call for help!
Tom: This fan fic is beyond help, Crow.
(The lights come up, and the doors open.)
Magic Voice: Commercial light in 30 seconds.
Tom: Thank God. I don’t know how much more I could have taken of this.
(Door sequence. Commercials. When we return, bridge. We see Crow trying to explain things to Mike. Mike holds a copy of the X-Men from around the time of the Psylocke/Revanche plotline.)
Crow: O.k., it’s like this. Originally Psylocke was a British woman who had normal features. However, the villain known as the Mandarin turned her into an Asian woman, using Revanche as a template. Well, later on Revanche was hired to take the place of Psylocke and destroy the X-Men from within. However, -
Mike: Crow, stop! I can’t take anymore!
Tom: You’re not alone in that.
Big John: Just be glad he didn’t ask us to explain Spider-Man: Maximum Clonage.
(The fan fiction light comes on.)
Tom: Oh my God! It’s the fan fiction that wouldn’t leave!!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit.)
Mike: Let’s hope we can get through this.
>(Page 12, panel 1. Suddenly the MLF and Malachite and Beryl attack.)
>Malachite: Forward, everyone! Stop these brats once and for all!!
>Sailor Moon: King Malachite!
Mike: [As Malachite] And when we’re done with them, we’ll go after the real evil... this fan fic!!
>Sailor Jupiter: Jupiter power!
>(Panel 2. A large thundercrack sends the MLF reeling.)
Mike: We’re reeling from this fan fic too.
>Sound Effect CRACK_A_WHOOM!!!
>Sailor Uranus: Uranus power!
Big John: Power from.. nah, that’s too easy.
Mike: Why do I even bother?
>(Panel 3. The MLF recover in time to be hit by a blast of wind.)
Crow: Yea, they had too many beans last night for dinner.
Mike: CROW!!
>Sound effect: WOOSH!!!
>Reinfire: Not this time, girls!
Mike: Because I’m going to bad dialogue and misspell words you to death!
>(Panel 4. Reinfire hits Sailor Saaturn with a blast. She goes down.)
>Sound Affect: POW!!
Crow: Oh my God! They killed Sailor Saturn!
Mike: Don’t worry, she’ll be resurrected in no time.
>(Panel 5. Sailor Mars fires her powers at Locus, who teleports out of the way.)
>Sailor Mars: Mars Fire!
Crow: [as Locus] Missed me, missed me, now you got to kiss me!
Big John: Well, I wouldn’t mind doing that to Locus.
>(Page 13, apanel 1. An arm appears from a teleportation portal behind Sailor Neptune, striking her.)
>Sound Effect: POW!!
Tom: [as Locus] I can strike you, but you can’t touch me!
>(Panel 2. Forearm holds up Sailor Venus and Sailor Europa in his arms.)
>Forearm: You should never have crossed us, girls!!
Tom: They are not girls! They are young ladies! Get with the times!
>(Panel 3. Forearm tosses Sailor Venus into Sailor Pluto from behind.)
>Sound Effect: POW!!
Mike: [as Sailor Pluto] Hey! I wasn’t ready!
>(Panel 4. Sailor Moon activates her power.)
>Sailor Moon: Moon Power!
Big John: Heh heh... moon power... the power to do things by dropping your-
Mike: Stop right there!
Big John: You’re no fun.
>(Panel 5. Sailor moon strikes Tempo with her moon power.)
>Sound Effect: POW!!
Mike: Odd that three different things all made the same sound.
Tom: Maybe they had a run on sound effects this week and they couldn’t buy any different ones.
Crow: Bulk discounts?
>(Page 14, panel 1. Suddenly Reinfire is hit with Captain America’s shield.)
Mike: Strange that the hardest substance known to man striking someone doesn’t make a sound.
Crow: I thought that Captain America’s shield was at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.
Tom: Ah, I miss the days when we actually had continuity in Marvel...
>(Panel 2. Everyone turns to see the Avengers there.)
>Captain America: Look sharp, everyone. I know we partied last night... but these young ladies need help!
Mike: Somehow, I just can’t picture Captain America being a party animal.
Tom: Well, he’s not.
Crow:What’s going on here? We were promised Sailor Moon meeting X-Force! This is the Avengers!
>(Panel 3. Reinfire comes face to face with Captain America.)
>Reinfire: You’re out of your league, old man.
Mike: Come on, he’s only 58! That’s not that old!
Tom: He’s certainly older than Reinfire.
>Captain America: What kind of a sick lunatic attacks defenseless little girls who are hiking in the woods!?
Mike: Defenseless? They didn’t look defenseless to me.
Big John: Knowing the writers, I’m willing to bet at least one of the Sailor Scouts swoons over Captain America.
>Sailor Moon: We’re not completely defenseless, whoever you are.
Big John: We’re going to cute these guys to death!
>(Panel 4. Reinfire tries to blast Captain America, who blocks his blast with his shield.)
>Reinfire: DIE!! DIE!!! DIE!!
Crow: You first.
Tom: Kinda reminds me of the joke about the man who called suicide prevention, and they told him not to call back until after he had done it.
>Sailor Jupiter: Leave him alone! Jupiter Thunder!
>Sound Effect: POW!!
Big John: Here it comes...
>(Panel 5. Reinfire is hat with Sailor Jupiter’s power.)
Mike: Then Reinfire says: “Ah, this hat clashes with the outfit. Gimme another one.”
>Sound effect: BOOM!!
Crow: [As Sailor Juipter] Take that, you hunk hurter!
>Locus: We can’t fight all of them! We have to regreup!
>Reinfire: Get us out of here, Locus!
Tom: Yea! Use your power to get us out of this fan fic!
>(Panel 6. Locus teleports all the MLF and Queen Beryl and Malachite out.)
Mike: Huh??? Beryl’s the queen again?
Tom: [as Robbie the Robot from Lost in Space] Warning! Warning! I am experiencing an illogic overload! Danger Will Robinson! Danger!
>(Page 15, panel 1. The Avengers approach the Sailor Scouts.)
>Sailor Uranus: Ooh... check out the hunks!
Big John: Ah-ha! I was right!
Mike: But Captain America and Sailor Uranus? What would the children look like?
>Captain America: Are you alright?
>Sailor Saturn: (In a heart shaped word ballllonn): We are now...
Big John: Man, I wish we had some hot babes like that here at the SOL.
Mike: Right, like women actually throw themselves at guys like that.
Crow: And how would you know that?
(Mike puts a hand on Crow’s beak, clamping it shut.)
Mike: Let’s get back to this dreck.
>(Panel 2. Allthe Sailor Schouts surround Warpath,Sunspot, Deadpoll and Cannonball.)
Tom: [As Robbie the Robot from Lost in Space] Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Excessive amounts of illogic detected! Recommend combat with sanity!
Mike: Read enough of this, and you’ll lose your sanity.
Crow: Huh??? What happened to the Avengers??
Big John: And how did X-Force get there all of the sudden?
>Sailor Moon: Allow me to introduces us. I’m Sailor Moon, and these are: Sailor Mercury, Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, Sailor Jupiter, Sailor Eurpa, Sailor Saturn, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor :luto.
Crow: Pleased to meet you. I’m Crow T. Robot, and these are: Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, and Big John.
Tom: Mike, I don’t think I can take much more of this ... the bad writing, the misspelled words, the terrible grammar, the blatant disregards for continuity... It’s more than one being can take.
>Sailor Jupiter: But you can call me Michelle.
>Sailor Mercury: And call me Heather!
>Sailor Uranus: And call me anytime!
Mike: Call me a doctor I think I’m gonna be sick.
Tom: Come on!! First you call Sailors Jupiter and Mercury aNtoinette and Serena, now you’re calling them Michelle and Heather!? NEITHER ONE IS THEIR REAL NAME!!!
>Deadpool: A buch of cuties in short skirts swooning over me? Be still my heart! I’d like to get to know each and everyone of you... and the closer, the better.
Crow: [as Deadpool] Just don’t look under my mask.
Tom: Danger! Run-on sentence detected and coming!
>(Panel 3. The Sailor Scouts swoon while the X-Force ladies are not amused.)
>Siryn: Hold it; right there you hussies I donna want you hanging of me boyfriend stop what yerdoing right now and back away from Kimmy slowly donna make me have ta’hurt you!
Big John: You’re in love with Kimmy? Man, why are the really hot babes gay?
Mike: Big John!
>Sailor Mercury: Gee, all the good ones are taken.
Big John: I’m not!! Come after me sometime, babe!
Mike: Like she said, all the good ones are taken.
>Deadpool: I’m not!
Tom: And the reason why is pretty obvious.
>(Panel 4. Siryn faces Deadpool.)
>Siryn: Donna ye start with tha; libido of yours, mister!
Big John: Aw, don’t stop him! Let him go for it!
>Deadpool: You know Terry, ever since you and Jimmy started dating , you’ve really become a royal pain.
Tom: AAAAAUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!! WARPATH AND SIRYN ARE NOT DATING!!!!!
Crow: [as Scotty from Star Trek] Captain, he canna take much more of this! If we don’t get a break now, Tom’s gonna blow!!
Mike: [As Captain Kirk] Scotty, I need, to keep going... we, have to get out, of this fan fic.
>Sailor Mars: I saw him first!
Tom: Just wait until you get a load of what’s underneath that mask of his...
>(Panel 5. X-Force headquarters. We se the members of X-Force around a table with the Sailor Scouts.)
Tom: O.k., let’s get this litigation on the road. We’ll file charges of cruel treatment against the Commission and you can join us as being plaintiffs in the case..
Mike: Just what we need, more lawsuits clogging up the courts.
>Sailor Moon: Well, thank you for the wonderful eating.
>Deadpool: It was our pleasure.
Big John: Ah-ha!
Mike: Don’t touch that one, it’s way too easy.
Crow: And the Sailor Scouts appear to be the same way.
Mike: Crow!!
>Domino: However, I think we should tunr our attention to the problem at hanf.
Tom: Hamf? Is that like bamf?
>We’ve got our two biggeste nemies in an allience to destroy the two uf os.
Mike: No, no no!! You’re biggest problem is being trapped in this fan fiction!!
>(Page 16, panel 1. Everyone listens intently.)
Crow: O.k., the first thing we’re going to do is break out of this fan fic, then we’re going to go after the Commission.
Tom: [as Robert the Robot from Lost in Space]: Danger! Danger Will Robinson! Sentence fragments detected of the port bow!
>Domino: See. Get together. Untie.
Big John: Dyslexics of the world untie!!
>Sailor Moon: With you of course. However, we. Need a pl.
Mike: You need a plural? What you really need is a better writer!
>Sailor Juipter: About how?
>(Panel 2. Domino thinks.)
Big John: Well, I think that -
Mike: Nobody cares what you think, Big John.
>Domino: I’m open to suggestions.
Crow: A clear indication that they don’t know what they’re going to do next!
Tom: But I do. It’s going to be more unfathomable plotlines, misspelled words, and bad grammar!
>(Panel 3. Suddenly a portal opens up, from which the MLF and King Malachite and his henchpeople enter.)
Mike: The once and future King Malachite.
Tom: IT’S BERYL THAT IS THE QUEEN!!!!! MALACHITE IS A HENCHMAN!!!!
Crow: Let it go, Tom. We’re having enough problems as it is.
>Ruinfire: We’re back!
Mike: You should have stayed away.
Crow: You really wanted no more action in this story?
Mike: I was talking to the writers.
Big John: Ruinfire... well, they’ve ruined X-Force for me.
>Malachite: Prepare to die!!!
Mike: No! It’s death by clichés and bad dialogue!
>Domino: Bring it on, Ranfire! We’re not afraid of you!
Big John: But this dialogue is enough to strike terror into the hearts of even the most stalwart of people.
>Sailor Mars: Bring it on! Mars power!
>(Panel 4. The MLF is engulfed in a blast of gale-force winds.)
Tom: Sailor Mars doesn’t have wind powers.
Crow: I’d hate to think where the wind was coming from.
>Reinfire: You won’t beat us!
>(Panel 5. Reinfire strikes Sailor Mercury with a blast, and Sailor Mercury uses her Aqua Mirror to stop the blast.)
Tom: Sailor Neptune has the Aqua Mirror!
Crow: Well, you can’t expect anything good from the Commission.
>Sailor Mercury: Mercury power!
Big John: Girl power! Yea!
Crow: Eugh! Not the Spice Girls!
Big John: You’re not supposed to listen to them, you’re supposed to ogle their bodies.
>(Panel 6. Sailor Mercury hits Reinfire with a blast of fire.)
Tom: [as Robert the Robot from Lost in Space]: Danger! Danger Will Robinson! We have excessive amounts of illogic and disregards for continuity! Memory banks indicate that Sailor Mercury has powers over water and ice, not fire.
>Malachite: Keep fighting! We can do it!
Mike: No! You won’t break me, you hear me!? You won’t break me!!
Crow: I think he meant that he was trying to fight his way out of this fan fic.
>(Page 17, panel 1. Moonstar uses her power of psikick projecktion.)
Tom: Ya vo, Herr commandant!
Crow: Now we’re switching languages?
Big John: Well, they’ve switched everything else around...
>Malachite: NO! Get out of my mind!
Big John: I’m not too sure I’d want to date a telepath. After all, she’d know it if you saw another woman you thought was cute.
Mike: I sincerely doubt you could keep a telepathic woman for more than 15 minutes.
>Caption: She draws on the worse fears in his mind, and projects them so they seam reel.
Mike: Well, I’m already living out my worst fears now, so it can’t get much worse for me.
Big John: We could find out that your ex-girlfriend married your rival.
>?Sailor Moon: Leap Fighting! We can beet them!
Crow: Yea, we’re gonna pummel you to death with small red vegetables!
>(Panel 2. We see Warpath strike Forearm drom one side, while Sailor Venus strikes him from the other.)
>Sound Effect: POW!!!
Mike: There’s that same sound effect again...
Crow: A clear sign of lack of creativity.
Big John: I suppose next Sailor Saturn is going to use her crescent beam powers.
All but Big John: DON’T GIVE THEM IDEAS!!!
>Sailor Moon: Surrender, Malachite! We’ve got you outclassed!
Tom: [as Malachite] Curses! Next time I’m going to hire henchmen that graduated high school!
>Malachite: NEVER!!
Big John: After all, there wouldn’t be any plot left if he did that.
Mike: There’s not much of a plot with him not surrendering, either.
>Sailor Saturn: Saturn crescent!
Mike: Now look what you’ve done, Big John!
Big John: Well, I didn’t think they’d take me seriously...
>(Panel 3. Sailor Saturn hits Beryl with her cresent beam.)
Big John: I really am sorry, guys.
(The others stare at Big John with jaundiced eye.)
Big John: I really had no way of knowing...
>Beryl: UHN!!!
>Locus: We can’t take much more of this!
All: We’re thinking the same thing!!
>I’m going to teleport us out of here!
Tom: You’ve got the chance! Flee!
Mike: They haven’t so far, Tom.
Big John: Drug manipulation?
>(Panel 4. The MLF and Malachite’s people teleport out. However, Deadpool manges to tackle Malachite before he can teleprot out.)
Crow: [As Deadpool] If I have to suffer through this horrific fan fic, so do you!
>(Page 18, panel 1. Warpath and Deadpool hold down Malachite.)
>Deadpool: It’s time you got your just deserts.
Tom: [As Deadpool] We’re going to put you in one horrible fan fic after another, all written by the Commission!
Crow: Egads! That’s a fate worse than death!
Mike: Just deserts, hm? Are they going to leave him in Death Valley or something?
>(Panel 2. We see Malachite being lead off by the police.)
>Policeman: Godo job, citizens! There’s a reward fort his capture.
Mike: [as the policeman] I’d tell you it was a good job, but the Commission can’t spell worth a flip!
>Deadpool: Just doing our cinic duty, officer.
Crow: Cinic duty?
Mike: All this bad fan fiction is enough to make anyone cynical.
Tom: Deadpool is supposed to be wanted in over 100 countries, all 50 U.S. states and all Canadian provinces! Are they really just going to let him go?
Big John: Like I said before, abandon all logic, ye who enter here.
>Domino: Donate the money to charity. We do not need it.
Mike: Terribly nice of them to do that.
Crow: Of course, it would have helped if they had specified which charity.
Big John: Otherwise, the money could end up in the hands of the Legalize Pedophilia Foundation.
Mike: Big John! That was disgusting!
>(Panel 3. Exit the policemen, with Malachite in tow.)
Crow: But alas, Malachite hired an expensive lawyer who got him 6 days community service for the reduced charge of littering!
>Sailor Venus: Well, Deadpool, here we are.
>Sailor Mars: Hands off, Alex. I saw him first!
Tom: SAILOR VENUS IS MINA!!! PEOPLE, DO SOME RESEARCH BEFORE YOU WRITE ABOUT A GROUP OF CHARACTERS FOR CRISSAKES!!
>Deadpool: Please, ladies, there’s enough of me to go around...
>Siryn: Wade, why don’t you show them what you’re really like.
Crow: [announcer voice] Welcome to Love Connection. Our first guest today is a noted mercenary, his hobbies include killing, maiming, and drooling over beautiful women, say hello to Wade T. Wilson!
>(Panel 4. Deadpool backpudals.)
Tom: He steps backward into a puddle?
>Deadpool: Hey, I don’t take the mask off for just anyone, you know...
>Sailor Mars: Come on, Wade, show it to us!
Mike: Don’t even think about it.
(Big John puts his fingers to his head, and concentrates.)
Mike: You enjoy torturing me like this, don’t you?
Big John: Well, you do have the moral values of a Victorian crusader.
>(Panel 5. Siryn pulls Deadpool’s mask off to show him appearing as he did before he went to Weapon X.)
Crow: Huh??? What happened to all the scars and mottled flesh he had???
>Sailor Mars: Oh my...
>Sailor Venus: He’s more handsome than I imagined.
Mike: Give me a break...
Tom: You can tell where this is going from a mile away...
>(Panel 6. Deadpool takes Sailor Mars in one arm and Sailor Mercury in the other.)
Big John: And they say “Help! We’re being kidnapped and sold into white slavery!”
>Deadpool: Let’s fund us a nice, quiet spot, hm?
Crow: [as Sailor Venus]: Oh no, I left my purse in Tokyo!
>(Page 19, panel 1. Sailors Venus ad Mercury go off with Deadpool.)
Tom: And a mere two days later, their faces show up on milk cartons!
Big John: Well, if I have to go, that’s the way I’d want to go!
>Sailor Moon: Heather! Alex! You’re going to leave us just like that!?
Mike: No, I thought I’d leave you with a side of fries and a bucket-of-soda drink, extra gargantuan sized, of course.
>Sailor Mars: Don’t be silly, Amy. We’ll be bach!
Crow: Oh, joy! Can I be Mozart?
Tom: Only if I get to be Scheubert.
Big John: Arnold Schwartzenegger, call your lawyers.
Mike: I’d consider a class-action suit among the owners of Sailor Moon, Marvel Comics and Arnold.
>9Panel 2. Meltdown stops Deadpool.)
Mike: And while you’re at it, stop this fan fic!
>Meltdown: What’s going on here, wADe? You know you don’t look like that!
>Deadpool: You’re just jealous because you don’t like seeing me happy.
Mike: No, she just doesn’t want to see them make a big mistake.
Big John: Hey, a menage-a-trois can be fun!
Mike: Don’t go there, Big John.
>(Panel 3. Deadpool faces Sailor Mars.)
>Deadpool: As much as I want you bad, I’d eather have Heather here. I’ve always has this thing for redheads.
Tom [near tears] Sailor Mercury is a brunette...
Crow: Well, it would explain his constant drooling over Siryn.
>Sailor Mars: O.k., I understand.
Big John: Well babe, I’m still free!
Mike: She really lucked out not going off with Deadpool.
>(Panel 4. Deadpool goes to his room.)
>Deadpool: Let me get changed and then I’ll take you to this wonderful restaurant I know of.
Tom: That’s it. The commission has made a complete set of grammatical errors.
Crow: [Announcer voice] Available for a limited time only! Collect the complete set of grammar errors by the Commission! Yours for only $19.95!
>Sailor Mercury: I can hardly wait!
Mike: I can hardly wait for this fan fic to be over!
>(Page 20, panel 1. Deadpool comes out to see Sailor Mercury checking her makeup. Deadpool wears a nice polo shirt and slacks. She is the only one present.)
>Deadpool: O.k., let’s do it.
Mike: Not one word from you two.
Big John: Man, the Commission has really been making it too easy too much.
>Sailor Mercury: Oh my...
Mike: [as Sailor Mercury] I just realized that I’m trapped in this fan fic! Help me get away from it!
>(Panel 2. A retsaurant in Chinatowne. We see Deadpool telepoty in with Sailor Mercury.)
Big John: Telepoty? Is that like a pay toilet?
Mike: Big John!
Big John: Sorry Mike. I just had to go for one of the too easy ones.
>Deedpool: aH, here er are.
>Sailor Mercury: This is so keen!
Mike: Keen? Are you like trying to bring back bad 50’s slang?
Tom: Kinda reminds me of Generation X where Jubilee says “Jeepers!”
>(Panel 3. We see them leave the restaurat.)
Crow: A restaurant... where the food is loaded with botulism!
Tom: [as Robert the Robot from Lost in Space] Danger! Danger Will Robinson! My sensors detect run-on sentences and sentence fragments ahead!
>Deadpool: This is gonna be a wonderful night tonight Heather a night specially dedicated for you I want you to feel very special nothing will stop us tonight what do you think about that?
Mike: Are you sure you want the answer to that?
>Sailor Mercury: My, you’ve. Pulled out the stomp.
Tom: Huh? How do you pull out a stomp?
>(Panel 4. Inside the restaurant.
Tom: Hey! They finally spelled restaurant correctly!
Mike: Too bad they said in the previous panel that they were leaving the restaurant.
>Deadpool holds out the seat for Sailor Mercury to sit in.)
Big John: And of course puts his hand on the seat just as she sits down, getting a full feel of her -
Mike: [interrupts] Big John! Stop with the sexual innuendoes!
>Deadpool: Here you go.
>Sailor Mercury: You’re so kind.
Tom: [as Deadpool] She don’t know me very well, do she?
Crow: What I’d like to know is why Deadpool suddenly got his looks back. His skin was supposed to be one mass of scar tissue!
>(Panel 5. Deadpool and Sailor Mercury exit the restaurant.)
Mike: Oh my God! They’re stuck in a time loop! Someone get them out of it!
>Deadpool: So what now you do would like to?
All: I switching can’t words stand around this.
>Sailor Mercury: Let’s go back to your place.
Big John: Dude! You lucky dog! Go for it!
Mike: Stop right there! Just because a woman wants to go to your place, it does not mean she wants to have sex.
>(Page 21, panel 1. The next morning. We see Deadpool and Sailor Mercury sleeping next to each other in bed.)
Big John: He shoots he scores!
Mike: Come on! These young ladies are supposed to be role models for millions of young women everywhere. Do you really want an entire generation of young ladies out there sleeping with guys they just met?
Big John & Crow: [simultaneously] YEA!!!! WOO-HOO!!!
Mike: *SIGH*...
Tom: You really should have seen that one coming from a mile away.
>Deadpoo: Grumph...
Mike: [sniffs the air] So that’s what that smell is...
Tom: Not only that, they ripped that line off from their Axe Grinder fic!
Crow: So is it plagiarism when you steal from yourself?
>(Panel 2. Enter Siryn.)
>Siryn: Oh me God!
Crow: The scent of chloroform is overwhelming!
Tom: So that explains how he was able to get her in bed...
>(Panel 3. Sailor Mercury and Deadpool wade up.
Mike: Wade up? I didn’t know they were waist high in water.
Big John: That’s not water, that’s -
Mike: [interrupts] Don’t go there, Big John.
>Deadpool: I already got me a babe, mom...
>Siryn: Wade, I canna believe ye did this!! What are her parents gonnae saw?
Mike: If they had any sense, they’d saw this fan fic to tiny pieces.
>(Panel 4. Deadpool sits up.)
>Deadpull: Come on, Terry. Don’t tell me you haven’t had a wonderful night with a man before.
Mike: [as Siryn] Well, as a matter of fact, I havena...
Big John: Hey, I could change that!
>(Panel 5. Siryn picks up Deadpool’s holographic imager.)
>Siryn: It’s time she saw the real you.
>Deadpool (shocked): No! Don’t do that, Terry!!
Mike: If it’s going to end the fan fic, do it now!!!
>(Page 22, panel 1. Siryn turns off Deadpool’s holographic projecotr, causing hem to refert back to what he really looks like.
Tom: [as Robert the Robot from Lost in Space] Danger! Danger Will Robinson! My sensors indicate an utterly predictable plot moment here!
>Sailor Mercury: (sahocked) OHMYGAWD!!!! I SLEPT WIOTH YOU!?!?!?!?!?
Mike: You were right, Tom. Completely predictable.
>EEEWWWW!!!
Mike: You know, that pretty well describes this fan fiction...
>(Panel 2. Sailor Mercury runs away from Deadpool.)
Mike: Very wisely, I might add.
>Sailor Mercury: I can’t believe I did what I did last night!!!
Big John: It’s called Spanish Fly.
Mike: Big John!!
Crow: Well, it does explain a lot here...
>Syrin I hope yer hoppy with yourself.
Big John: Alright! Pogo time!!
Mike: Goodness, it’s the attack of the bad 1980’s dances!!
>(Panel 3. Deadpool stares at Siren with daggers.]
Big John: [As Deadpool] If you don’t put out now, I’ll dagger you to death!
Mike: *SIGH*... That’s getting really old now, Big John!
>Deadpool: Heather and I were having fun!! And you had to go ruin it all!!
Big John: I used to love fan fiction! And you had to go and ruin it all, Commission!
>Siryn: Wad, you liked t’her. Dod you really think that ye could keep it up f’rever?
Crow: Well, of course he liked her. Wouldn’t you like a beautiful woman who will have sex with you?
Mike: Crow!
Big John: Well, if he hadn’t said it, I would have. But that other line - ah, that’s way to easy.
Crow: And apparently, so is Sailor Mercury.
Mike: Crow!!
>(Panel 4. Siryn exits.)
>Siryn: I canna believe ye’d take advantage of a woman like that.
All: I can!!
(The lights come up, and the doors open.)
Tom: Phew! Made it! How, I don’t know...
(Door sequence. Bridge.)
Mike: Let’s rest up, guys. That one was very draining on the soul.
Big John: And on the mind, heart, body, etc.
(The screen comes to life, and then shows Pearl and Bobo. Bobo is holding numerous boxes of clothing, so much so that all we see of him are his hands.)
Pearl: Not so great now, are we?
Mike: That was one of the most putrid pieces I’ve ever seen. But it wasn’t enough! You’ll never find something that can break us!
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: Curse you Nelson! I’ll get you yet - and your little bots too!!
Bobo: Mom, this is getting very heavy.
(SOL.)
Mike: Try all you want, but you cannot break us.
(Castle Forrester.)
Bobo: Mother...
Pearl: Stop your whining, Bobo! I’m busy taunting our captives!
(Suddenly Bobo looses his grip, and the boxes all come tumbling down. Pearl is caught in the avalanche.)
SFX: CLUMPH!!!
(SOL. Mike and the bots try in vain to control their snickering and laughing.)
>Deadpool: Well, I liked it.
* From “The Dream Book” By Betty Bethards © 1995 Element Books.
