Original by Desert Nomad
MiSTing by Quamp
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots playing a game of draw poker.)
Mike: So how many will you take, Tom?
Tom: I never win at this. My arms don't work, so how can I pick up my cards!? I never wanted to be in this to begin with.
Mike: Tom holds on what he has. How about you, Crow?
Crow: I’ll take one.
(Mike gives Crow a card as Crow discards one of his cards.)
Mike: Gypsy?
Gypsy: Oh, I can never remember what to keep or throw away... I’ll have three.
(Mike gives Gypsy three cards as she discards three of her cards.)
Magic voice: Commercial in 5 minutes.
Mike: Well, I’ll take two.
(Mike takes two cards.)
Mike: O.k., bets start at 5, and I’m in.
Gypsy: I’ll see your five.
Crow: I’m in.
Mike: Tom?
Tom: I quit. Deal me out. I can’t take this anymore.
Mike: Tom folds.
(Mike turns over Tom’s card to see that crow had a Dead man’s hand.)
Mike: Hmm... full house. I wouldn’t have folded, Tom.
Tom(flustered): I COULDN’T SEE MY CARDS BECAUSE MY ARMS DON'T WORK!! I COULDN’T PICK THEM UP!!!
Crow: Ooh... dead man’s hand.
Tom (angry):MY HANDS DON'T WORK!!!
(The fan fiction light comes on.)
Crow: Whew! Saved by the fan fiction light.
Magic voice: Commercial in 30 seconds.
Mike: Well, just relax, Crow. You know you’re in for a tune-up next week..
(Commercials. When we come back, Door sequence.)
1-2-3-4-5
(Theater.)
Mike: What absurdity has Pearl done this time?
Crow: More fan fiction here...
>The Rhythm is Gonna Get You
Crow: Oh, so it’s a story about Latin dancing, right?
>The Official Riverdance Story
Mike: Doesn’t look like it, unless the Riverdance troupe suddenly went to Cuba or something.
Tom: Weirder things have happened in these fan fics.
>By Desert Nomad
>Part One
Mike: (sings)But we’re one/But we’re not the same we got to/Carry each other, carry each other/One!
>Disclaimer: Phhbbt. I hate these.
Mike: Well, we’re not to crazy about these fan fics either.
>Blah, blah...X-Force belongs to Marvel, not me.
Tom (as Angelica of the Rugrats): It’s mine and you can’t have it!
>Spice Girls belong to Virgin Records, or themselves, or something.
Crow: Now there’s a mismatch.
Tom: Aren’t two of them pregnant now?
Crow: Yep. But they’re still beautiful women. Ginger was my favorite, I wish that she hadn’t left. Of course, it’s not their music I liked.
Mike: She got out while the getting was good.
>I would also like to take the time to profusely apologize to Mr. Flatley, because this sort of is a direct insult >to him and his show.
Tom: Well, I’m sure you’ll be hearing from his lawyer soon.
Crow: I thought Flatley left Riverdance?
Mike: This must have been written when he was still with Riverdance.
>I'm sure he's not really the way I portray him, but hey, it's funny!
Mike: Given that Pearl has sent us this fan fic, I’m willing to bet it’s not.
>Also, I'd like to take the time to apologize to all the good Irish people of the world.
>I'm sorry. Very, very, sorry.
Crow: Pleased to meet you. I’m Crow T. Robot, this is Mike Nelson, and this is Tom Servo.
Tom: We know you’re sorry, now apologize.
(Enter Big John.)
All but Big John: Oh God, no!!
Big John: Come on, I’m not that bad.
Mike: No, you’re even worse.
>Teresa Rourke was tired.
Big John: She spent last night finally giving into passion and getting Warpath into bed like both of them secretly wanted.
Mike: Not quite.
Tom: I thought her name was Theresa Cassidy.
Big John: Handbook says it’s Theresa Roarke.
Mike: You’ve got the Handbook to the Marvel Universe memorized?
Big John: Hey, Pearl isn’t in the mood all that often.
>Tired and cranky.
Tom: PMS?
Big John: I really can’t picture any babe in the Marvel Universe going “I’m bloated, I’m cramping, I’m retaining water, and to top it all off, I’m having a bad hair day!”
Mike: So women in the Marvel universe don’t get PMS?
Crow: Not as far as we can tell.
Tom: It’s a special compensation to the ladies for having to die and get resurrected over and over.
>It wasn't easy being the Deputy Leader of X-Force.
Crow: After all, she was in college as well, and having to juggle a job, college, recovering from alcoholism, and her kinda sorta feelings for Warpath.
>Deputy leader, ha.
Tom: (As General Patton) Alright, you miserable miscreants! Ten-hut! Now listen up and listen good!
>As if Cable wasn't off in the future again,
Mike: Oh, Jeez, a rehash of that “I’ve come back in time to stop the future from occurring” garbage? That was worn out after the original Phoenix Saga!
Tom: And we saw what that did to Marilyn Vos Savant.
>and Domino wasn't doing stunts for that latest Demi Moore flick...
Big John: I wonder if she was a body double in Striptease?
Mike: No. Don’t go there.
>"Hey," Scott Summers had told her, "being the leader's tough, but it's got rewards, too!"
Tom: After five years of being a leader, they give you this nifty plaque and then kill you and resurrect you.
Crow: Then there’s the free ice cream on every Tuesday in a month that has the letter a in it.
Big John: And a really hot stud named Warpath you can take to bed.
Mike: Oh, no people! No!
Crow: What’s that from?
Mike: Nightstand. Whenever someone would make sexual innuendoes the host would tell the people no.
Big John: Hey, I was a big fan of Dick.
Tom: You were a Dickhead?
>Yeah, right. Scott led the X-Men.
Tom: There’s really not that much difference between the two teams.
Big John: Yea, they both have really hot babes in them.
Mike: Have you noticed that a lot of the Marvel teams have or had a redheaded woman in them? I mean, like the X-Men have Phoenix, X-Force has Siryn, X-Factor had Mystique, Excalibur had the other Phoenix, Generation X has Penance, The Fantastic Four had Medusa, the Avengers had Hellcat... well, I could go on for hours.
Big John: Hey, it’s not that they’re redheads... it’s because they’re babes.
>When they were actually around to listen to him (which was rare),
Crow: You’re never around for me when you need me!
>they actually did listen to him.
Mike: Huh? What did you say?
>He didn't have to lead a bunch of people who'd rather play Sega and watch MTV than fight evil.
Tom (as Cannonball): But Ah jest finished world two on Sonic and Knuckles! Ah can’t go and save the world now!!
Crow (As Moonstar): Theresa, I would love to save the world, but there’s this really cool video on by Cake.
Big John: Cake? Isn’t that the band that plays alternative music and looks like a bunch of goat-ropin’ cowboys?
Crow: Yea.
Mike: *SIGH*...
>Terry stood wearily in front of the couch, trying to remember what she was supposed to be doing.
Big John: Getting Warpath and -
Mike: Big John, that’s really getting old now.
Big John: But it’s still fun. I mean, these books are designed to sell to horny teenagers.
>They'd already done their daily Danger Room training session,
Tom (as Cable): And frankly, when I come from, you lot would be dead in two minutes.
Mike: That’s o.k., ‘cause they’d just get resurrected again.
>dinner wasn't for another two hours,
Big John: Just enough time to hit they hay for a quickie.
Mike: That’s it. I give up. You are hopeless.
Crow: I don’t see anything wrong with his riffs.
Tom: Well, children to have the potential to see this.
>and miraculously, no one was having any personal problems this week.
Crow: What? No angst conflicts? This is an X-team, people! They’re always pretentiously angst ridden.
>Terry absently wondered where everyone was.
Crow: And then she realized “Oh no! I forgot to use mouthwash!”
Big John: And then she realized she had a piece of spinach stuck in her teeth.
>The strains of "Say You'll Be There" emanating from the hallway proved that Shatterstar was in his room,
>listening to his Spice Girls cd for the umpteenth million time.
Crow: Cable was punishing him for doing bad in the workout.
Tom: Man, he must have been really bad to have warranted endless Spice Girl playing.
> My Spice Girls cd, Terry reminded herself.
Tom: She actually liked the Spice Girls?
Crow: This must take place when she was still drinking heavily.
Big John: But the Spice Girls weren’t out then.
Crow: Hey, Marvel time is so screwed up anyway...
>Shatty had borrowed it two months ago, and hadn't given it back, since.
Mike: (as Siryn): An’ if I had an ounce of sense, I’d let ye keep the thing f’rever!
>Jimmy was in the kitchen, baking...something.
Mike: (Sings)Someone’s in the kitchen with Jimmy/Someone’s in the kitchen I know
Crow: Since when was Warpath a good cook?
Tom: Since now, I guess.
Big John: (Sings) Jimmy crack corn, and I don’t care...
>That boy just isn’t right, Terry sighed to herself.
Tom: Well, if he likes the Spice Girls, that’s pretty much a given.
Crow: Just how did the Spice Girls get to be successful anyway?
Big John: Probably by prostituting Ginger to radio Deejays and record execs.
Mike: Figures.
Crow: Actually, I hear that all of the Spice Girls have had nude photos taken of them.
Tom: And how would you know this?
Crow: I saw it on the internet.
Mike: WHAT!? I had netnanny on that computer!!
Big John: And it was so easy to bypass.
>Maybe he should get some counseling.
Crow: Shatterstar or the writer of this fanfic?
Mike: Both, actually.
>No one else was anywhere to be found.
Crow: So she went looking for Warpath.
Mike: And found nothing.
>Terry didn't care.
Big John: After all, they’re only her friends. They’ve been with her for the last several years, helped her out of her alcoholism. It’s not like they really mattered to her.
>At least she was alone.
Big John:(sings) All alone/All alone/All by myself
>Exhausted, she flopped down on the couch.
Big John: Ah-ha! It proves my Warpath theory!
Mike: Not quite.
>"Ttttthhhbbbbppppttt!"
Mike: This must be the author’s opinion of the reader.
Crow: It’s more like most of the readers' opinions of this fan fic.
>Terry's eyes widened and her face reddened.
Big John: She had a flashback from last night. “Oh my god! I forgot to use protection!!” She realized.
Mike: Big John!!
Crow: Actually she realized she sat in some of Meltdown’s spilled coffee.
All but Crow: Eugh!
>"Ha, ha, ha!"
Tom: Look at that! The writer is laughing at us!
Crow: He’s certainly not laughing with us.
>“I can't believe she fell for it!"
Mike: And I can’t believe that this is trying to pass itself off as good fan fiction.
>"Tthhbbppt! Heehee!"
Crow: Great. Now the author is blowing his nose at us, AND laughing too.
>Embarrassed, Teresa pulled the deflated whoopee cushion out from under the couch cushion.
Crow: A whoopee cushion? Come on, those things went out with the Gulf War!
Tom: Well, this fan fic is very dated.
>"Hoo, ha, the look on your face was priceless!"
Big John: You mean a look of utter disgust and boredom is priceless?
Mike: Kinda like that Zen story where someone asks a Zen master what the most valuable thing in the world is, and he says “The head of a dead cat, because nobody can put a price on it.”
>Enraged,
Tom: Just like we are for having to read this,
>Terry spun around to face Rictor, Meltdown and Sunspot, crouched behind the couch.
Crow: (As Siryn): Yer a bunch of bloody miscreants and ye should be sent t’juvenile hall!
Tom: (As Meltdown): Oh, Sorry Ter, we were planning that for Cable.
>"What in the bloody hell was that for?!" Bobby DaCosta scratched his head.
Mike: Since when did Sunspot develop an Irish Brogue?
Tom: Probably the same way he uses Spanish phrases while being from Brazil.
Crow: Yea, I understand it took a LOT of Brazilians griping at Marvel before they actually did something about that.
>"'Cause it was funny."
Mike: Yea... like asking for Prince Albert in a can.
>"Nae, it was not!"
Crow: Is not.
Tom: Is too.
Crow: Is not.
Tom: Is too.
Crow: Is not.
Tom: Is too.
Mike: Alright, children, behave.
>"Yeah, it was," Tabitha noted.
>"Why me? I thought I was nice to ye!"
Crow: Well, apparently not...
Tom: (as Siryn): Look at all the things I’ve done for ye! Why, I’ve... I’ve... (meekly) I guess I havena done a lot fer ye.
>"Well...yeah. But you're the leader. We have to play practical jokes on you.
Big John: Oh, so you have to play jokes on your leader, hm? I bet Bill Clinton gets a lot of that, then.
Mike: I read somewhere that Jimmy Carter was a great amateur revenge artist.
Crow: Does that mean we have to play jokes on you, Mike?
Mike: Don’t even think about it.
>Jeez, you're a lot testier than Sam..."
Tom: PMS?
Mike: Let’s not start that rant again.
>"Ye never did things like this tae Sam!"
Big John: Sam never went postal when we asked him for a night on the town.
Crow: And Sam was in a relationship with Meltdown... you know, you should go after Warpath like Sam went after Tab.
>"Gee, someone obviously doesn't remember the blow-up doll incident..."
Crow: Or that time when we were in Asguard and someone shouted “Zounds! Yon Cannonball doth be a true warrior born!"
Tom: Or when we made an audio tape of him and Meltdown in the broom closet and broadcast it all over the mansion.
>"Ye're a bunch of immature...immature...children!"
Crow: Are not.
Tom: Are too.
Crow: Are not.
Tom: Are too.
Mike: (heaves a sigh) Knock it off, you two.
Crow: He started it!
Tom: I did not!
Mike: I don’t care who started it, I’m finishing it now!
>"Well...yeah. By the way, when's dinner?"
Big John: Well, we thought we’d order out to Timmy’s discount used lemonade stand.
All but Big John: EEEEWWW!!!
>"I dinnae know! Why ask me?"
Tom: Man, you just don’t know a lot, do you Ter?
>"Aren't you making it?"
>"Nae!
Big John: “Celibacy... the most unnatural of perversions.”
>Why should I?"
Big John: Because Warpath is a hot hunk and is hung like a horse!
Mike: (Shakes his head) Don’t go there, Big John.
>“'Cause...you're the leader. That's your job."
Big John: Good thing I don’t eat human food, because I’d hate to have to deal with Mike’s cooking.
Mike: Hey, you never know it until you try it.
>"Oh. It's my job to cook and be the butt of practical jokes?"
Tom: (As Siryn) Are you sure you want t’ live on Irish stew and potatoes? That’s all I know how t’cook!
Crow: I thought Warpath was cooking dinner.
Mike: Sure was.
>"Yeah. And find new hideouts. And frankly, Terry, you're just not doing your job.
Mike: Well, the author’s job is to write good entertainment, and frankly, he’s not doing his job either.
>This place sucks.
Crow: Finally! Honesty in fan fiction!
Mike: I don’t think that he was referring to the story.
Big John: It certainly applies, though.
>Storm keeps chasing us around, and making us eat tofu and stuff..."
Crow (as Storm): By the Bright Lady, you shouldn’t eat candy and junk food! It is not good for you! Here, have a nice macrobiotic dinner...
Mike: Macrobiotic... a pleasant euphanism for “Foul tasting.”
>"I'm...not...doin'...me...job?"
Mike: No Mr. fan fiction writer, you’re not doing your job at all! This fan fic stinks.
>Ric, Tabby and Bobby suddenly recognized the metaphorical-giant-neon- "Mount Vesuvius" sign flashing >over Terry's head.
Big John (sings): Born to love volcanoes/ Seen ‘em on P.B.S.
Crow: Who was that?
Big John: The Dead Milkmen. They also did “Punk Rock Girl.”
Mike: Still never heard of them.
>"We're not saying that at all, Terry, you're doing a great job..."
Tom: A bit too late for this.
Big John: You got to respect the babes. Otherwise, you won’t get laid.
>"Yeah, you're much better than Sam ever was..."
Big John: So she won’t sleep with Warpath, the one who loves her, but she’ll sleep with Meltdown? Figures that the real babes are lezzies.
Crow: I never knew Meltdown was bisexual.
Mike: (not amused) Cease and desist from this line of reasoning immediately.
>"In fact, you're the best deputy leader we've ever had..."
Crow: You’re a lot prettier than Cannonball was.
Big John: And your Irish Brogue is more endearing than Cannonball’s Southern drawl.
>Then, suddenly, Shatterstar stuck his head out of his bedroom door.
Tom: And Siryn, mad as a wet hen, cut it off with a sword!!
Crow: (As Siryn) It was temporary insanity, yer honor!
>"Teresa, when will dinner be ready? I am hungry."
Tom: (as Shatterstar) As the clueless member of the team, I reserve the right to stretch a point past it being worn out.
>"Aaauuurrrgghhh!
All: Siryn suddenly realized she was trapped in a terrible fan fiction!
>That's it! I'm done! I quit!
Tom (Perks up): He’s stopping this fan fic now?
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up.
> Find a new bloody leader, I am out of here!"
Mike (as Siryn) An’ while yer at it, find a clue f’r Shatterstar!
> She jumped up and stomped out of the door.
Crow: Run! Flee! Get away from this story as fast as you can!!
>Jimmy ran in.
Mike (sings): “Here I come to save the day!”
Tom: Wrong comic book, Mike.
Crow: Frankly, I’m not too sure anything could save this day.
>"What happened?"
Tom: Oh, nothing much...
Big John: Run for your lives! It’s a flock of
Quantum Leap salespeople!
>"Terry left."
Crow: (as Warpath) Oh no! I’m going to have to go back to Risque!
Big John: (as Warpath) And Gloria would never give me a hum job!
Mike: Stop that!
Big John: Oh, come on. you know you like sex.
Mike: No I don’t.
Big John: Then why do you have all those magazines in your room?
Mike: Uh... Erm... they belonged to Joel.
Crow: Then why do the labels on them say “Mike Nelson?”
Mike: (Ducking the question) Getting back to the story...
>"To go get gas?"
Tom: What do you mean to get gas? They don’t own any cars at this time!!
>"No, she quit."
Crow: (as Siryn) Good bye, loosers! I hope ye die and get resurrected over and over!
Tom: That’s pretty much a guarantee in the Marvel Universe.
>"But--but--but--" The door slammed, and Terry stomped back in.
Crow: As opposed to walking in, which would have been much easier.
>"You've come back!" Jimmy exclaimed happily.
Big John: (as Siryn) I know, Jimmy. I couldna live without yer -
Mike: Don’t even think of finishing that sentence.
Crow: (as Siryn) Kisses and hugs. So I’m gonnae take ye wi’ me.
>Terry ignored him, and clomped over to Shatterstar.
Crow: So she was wearing Dutch wooden shoes?
Mike: That’s clogged.
Big John: That pretty much describes the plot of this piece.
>"Give it back."
Tom (as Angelica of the Rugrats): It’s mine and you can’t have it!! Woah, deja vu.
>"What?"
Big John: (as Siryn) My extra-long -
Mike: Stop right there.
Big John: Man, you are no fun.
>"Me Spice Girls cd." Shatterstar's lower lip quivered.
All: You actually want to keep a CD by the Spice Girls!?
Tom: Man, she’s really lost it.
Mike: Yea, it’s like 5 girls who can’t sing put together a band and used pressure marketing to make
themselves successful.
Crow: It’s like a band of Yoko Onos!
Big John: You’re not supposed to listen to them, you’re suppose to ogle their hot bodies.
>"You want me to...give it back?"
Crow: Yes, I’m going to a third world country and they want to use it as a torturing device.
Big John: Yea, give it to her, man! Give it to her good!
Mike: Oh no, people!
>"Aye." Forlornly, he removed it from his cd player, replaced it in it's [sic] case, and handed it back to her.
Mike: And then Shatterstar realized. “Oh my God! I’ve been listening to crappy music!”
Crow: (as Shatterstar) NO! Now I’m going to have to listen to the discordant strings of R.E.M.!
>"Thank ye very much." Then she stomped back out the door.
Crow: Hm, first clomping, then stomping. She’s mighty angry right now, so why would she be dancing?
Mike: She probably thinks she’s gotten out of this fan fic.
>"But--but--but--" Jimmy resumed stuttering.
Big John: Nobody does a hummer like you, Terry!
Mike: Is that all you think about, sex?
Big John: What else in life is there that’s worth thinking about?
>"NOOOOOOOO!"
All: We have to say the same about this fan fic!
>"Cable's gonna kill us for this one," Tabitha sighed.
Crow: That and we charged $5,000 to his platinum Visa.
Tom: And the doctored photos we made of him as a clown.
Big John: Hey, them hookers can be mighty expensive!
>Teresa sat on the bus stop bench, angrily clutching her Spice Girls cd.
Crow (as Siryn) God, now all I have t’listen to is the Spice Girls! Why didna I get my Everclear CD?
>There was only one regret in her mind.
Big John: I shouldda taken Jimmy with me to have a hot stud to -
Mike: Don’t you dare finish that sentence.
Crow: I should have found who wrote this and blew his eardrums out with me sonic scream!
> I shouldae demanded me Alanis Morrissette cd back, too.
Mike: Oh, hey, you got to respect Alanis.
Big John: Did you ever see that crappy kids show she was on when she was in her early teens?
Crow: Yea, why?
Big John: This writing is about the same level.
>A man sat next to her on the bench.
Big John: With a $100 dollar bill in one hand and Viagra in the other.
Mike: Big John!!!
>He caught her attention.
Tom: Waving that $100 did it.
Big John: And the Viagra.
>Actually, he caught most of the block's attention.
Crow: After all, if you wave that kind of money around, people are bound to notice.
>That was due in large part to the large, sequined jacket he wore, which had a picture of Colm Meany
>worked on the back.
All: He’s a Trekkie!! He’ll never have a girlfriend!
>Teresa looked over at him nervously.
Big John: (as Siryn) Well, alright laddie, but I donna give hum jobs on the first date.
Mike: Big John!
>"Um...top o' the mornin', t'ye, sir."
>He looked at her.
Big John: And the look of lust in his eyes was unmistakable.
Crow: He asked “How much? I’ve only got $100.”
Mike: Crow!!
>"Ye're Irish?"
Big John: I pay top dollar for redheads and even more if they’re Irish.
>"Why, yes, sir! Ye, too?"
Tom: Oh no, I just play one on T.V.
>"Aye. By any chance, d'ye have any, er, Celtic dancin' experience?"
Big John: (as Siryn) Nae, but I can show ye some of the other things I can do.
Mike (trying to save the situation) Like underwater basket weaving.
Big John: You're no fun.
>"I took lessons as a wee girl."
Mike: But that was so long ago I’ve forgotten it all!
>Actually, she'd wanted to take tae kwon do.
Crow: Because, after all, she had a secret desire to be Elektra.
Big John: Considering what they’ve done to Elektra, I wouldn’t want to be her now.
>Uncle Tom had insisted on the Celtic dancing.
Mike: (as Black Tom ): Learnin’ that kinda stuff will get ye int’ trouble, lassie!!
Big John: After all, look where Elektra is now.
>The man's face split into a grin.
Crow: Oh my God! They took an axe to his head!
>"Allow me ta introduce meself. I'm Michael Flatley..."
Mike: Wait a minute! Flatley was born in Chicago!!
Crow: Apparently, in the Marvel universe, he was born in Ireland. After all, his parents are Irish.
>"Let me get this straight.
Crow (as Cable): I’m trapped in a horrible fan fiction with no way out?
>She just flipped out and left?"
Mike: (as Sunspot) Well, I can’t help it if she saw this was a bad fan fic and decided to try to leave!
>"It's not like it's never happened, before..." Meltdown said, refusing to meet Cable's eyes.
Crow: After all, they had never been properly introduced.
>"What did you do to her?"
Big John: Shatterstar was using her dil-
Mike (interrupts): Spice Girls CD and that horrible music made her snap.
>"Me? I didn't do nuthin'! It was Rictor."
Mike: (As Meltdown) Besides, Terry and I were going to go shopping with Domino later.
Tom: That’s something else that those from Venus like and those from Mars don’t.
Mike: What’s the point of spending hours on end in a mall looking over clothing? I mean, as long as it doesn’t clash, it’s alright, right?
Crow: The fashion industry is a multi-million dollar industry, Mike. Do you want all those people laid off?
Big John: Especially since they live in third world countries, and they’d revolt and start up unfriendly governments, then unite and attack the more affluent countries. Remember Iraq and the Gulf war?
>"Was not! 'Sides which, it was Bobby's whoopee cushion."
Tom: (as Rictor) I told them it was a terrible idea, and that we should have gone with the dribble glass!
>"Suuure! Blame the man with the whoopee cushion."
Big John: (Sings) I/I blame you.
>"Is friend-Teresa coming back?" Caliban murmured worriedly.
Crow: To you? No way!
>"We don't know, Caliban," Cable sighed.
Big John: (As Caliban) That is o.k. Caliban still have friend-Tabitha and friend Domino-patch eye to have wild fantasies about.
Mike: (Sighs) I’m going to have to reprogram you....
>"Geez, leave you kids alone for a few centuries, and the whole team goes to POT!"
Mike: (as Cable) You’d think that in a few hundred years, you would have aged to where you could be trusted!
Big John: I’ve given up trying to figure out Marvel time.
>"I tried to get her to stay, but she wouldn't listen to me!" Jimmy exclaimed.
Big John: (As Warpath) I even offered her my long -
Mike: Stop. Don’t continue with that one.
>The others rolled their eyes.
Mike: Caliban got an 8, Rictor, got snake eyes, Meltdown got boxcars, but the big winner was Cable, who got seven the hard way.
> Suddenly, the phone rang.
Crow: Then Cable realized “Wait a minute, we forgot to pay the phone bill! Don’t answer that!
>"I'll get it!"
Mike: (As Cable) Don’t you dare, whoever you are! I’m the leader around here... oh wait, am I speaking?
>"No, I'll get it!"
>"You got it last time, it's my turn!"
Mike: You’re acting like little children again.
Crow: Are not.
Tom: Are so.
Crow: Are not.
Tom: Are so.
Crow: Are not.
Tom: Are so.
Big John: Man, you three have been on this station too long.
>Tabby won the wrestling match to the phone.
Tom: (as Meltdown) Ha! I won! I get the phone!
Mike: God No! Now we’ll never get her off the phone!
>"Your dime."
Mike: Where can you call someone for a dime?
Tom: Man, this fan fic must be old.
>"Tabitha? It's Terry."
>"Terry? Is it you? Terry?
Mike: She just said it was Terry, are you deaf?
Crow: At least they don’t have every other word bolded like regular Marvel comics.
>Guys, it's Terry. Are you coming home?"
>"Are you coming home?"
Tom: Oh no, they repeated themselves! Is there anywhere that’s safe from the Teletubbies?
>"Nae."
Tom I guess that answers that question.
>"Are you in jail?"
Big John: Aye, that bloody man turned out t’be a cop!
Mike: Well, if you wouldn’t have done it in the first place...
>"Nae."
Crow: Do you really miss Jimmy?
Big John: (as Siryn) Aye, he had a way of -
Mike: Finish that sentence and we’re going to have this fan fic pulled for lewdness.
>"Have you been kidnapped by evil, bloodthirsty, slimy aliens?"
Crow: (as Siryn) Och, nae. That only happens t’ye when yer actually a member of some team.
>“Nae. I've, uh, just called tae say that I've found a job."
Tom: (as Siryn) I decided t’get of me duff and do something with me life.
Crow: (as Siryn) Now it’s time fer the rest of ye t’do the same.
>"Really?"
Tom: No, not really. I just wanted to hear your reactions.
>"Aye. I'm uh, performing."
>"In what?"
Big John: Bed with this guy who has a Colm Meany jacket and a huge bottle of Viagra!
Mike: Big John!
>"Riverdance."
Mike: I’ll bet a week’s food rations she doesn’t last one performance.
Crow: I understand that Lord of the Dance has gone through quite a number of people, who dropped out due to injuries.
>"Whu...?"
Crow: Huh?
Big John: What’s a whu?
Tom: Sounds like some Doctor Seuss character.
>"Oops, gotta go. That was the end of our two minute [sic] break. Gotta get back tae practicin'!"
Big John: After all, his Viagra had a limited shelf life.
Tom: (sings) Practice/Practice makes perfect/ Perfect is a fault/ And fault lines change!
>She hung out.
Mike (Confused): So she ran and hung out at the same time?
Big John: Oh no! It’s the evil twin thing again!
>Tabby stared at the phone.
Crow: And realized she didn’t have the mental power to make it ring again.
>"She left us to go dance in a river. Why would anyone want to dance in a river?
Crow: It beats getting killed and resurrected over and over.
Tom: No, you fool! Riverdance! Haven’t you seen the endless commercials that were on a few months ago?
>Maybe it's an Irish thing."
Mike: Riverdance is an Irish institution
Big John: So is getting drunk and the IRA.
>"She is probably dancing to rocking tunes of the Spice Girls," Shatterstar sighed.
(All laugh.)
Tom: Maybe this was written by one of the Spice Girls.
>"I miss her," Jimmy added.
Mike: And I miss looking at quality fan fics.
>"A river?" Cable echoed.
>"That's what she said."
Tom: Oh, you idiot!! Riverdance!!
Crow: Reminds me of America’s dumbest criminals
>"I knew I should've led Generation X instead..."
Tom: (as Cable) But I lost out on the lottery and now I’ve got to deal with a bunch of little kids in teenage bodies!
(The doors open, and the lights come up.)
Mike: Ah, break time.