MiST Fan Fiction: “Pillow”
Original by JenX
MiST by The Icehole
(SOL Bridge. We see Big John and Tom standing over something.)
Crow: Hey guys, what’s up?
(Tom and Big John pull back to see they were working on a female robot.)
Big John: Well, as you know, it’s Mike’s birthday today. We’ve been working on her for months now, scraping together the right parts. See, it’s a pleasurebot for Mike.
Crow: [apprehensive]: Uh... I don’t know about this....
Tom: Come on, he really needs some female companionship. Gypsy spends all her time running the satellite, and Pearl... well, as you can see, the women in his life aren’t exactly the best...
(Enter Mike.)
Mike: O.k., what did you want to show me here?
Tom: Well Mike, we wanted to surprise you with this on your birthday. See, the women in your life aren’t exactly of great caliber, so we decided to make you one.
Mike: Uh, Tom, it’s not my birthday. In fact, my birthday is not for another three months.
Big John: Well, it’s the thought that counts. Anyway, here she is, say hello to your new pleasurebot.
(Tom and Big John set Penny the pleasurebot up.)
Tom: Go ahead, Mike, turn her on.
Mike: I got a bad feeling about this....
(Mike turns on Penny.)
Mike: O.k., she’s on now.
(Penny stands.)
Penny: Statement: Greetings to everyone here. My name is Penny. I hope to give you years of wonderful service.
Big John: Penny will do anything you want, Mike. Just ask her and she’ll do it.
(The screen suddenly comes to life, and we see the Observer there.)
Observer: Well, how go things today?
Mike: They were going well until you showed up.
Observer: Tough. Today we’ve got another jenny fan fiction for you. It’s called “Pillow” and it concerns Rogue.
Penny: Inquiry: Who is he and what is with this fan fiction?
Tom: That’s the Observer, and he lets us know what we’re in for in the story.
Mike: Well, another fan fi, another time for us.
(The screen goes blank.)
Magic voice: Commercial light.
(Commercials. When we come back, SOL bridge.)
Penny: Statement: my sensors detect apprehension in you. Mike Nelson. What is wrong?
Mike: Well, every week they send us something very horrible, a really bad piece of literature, movie, video or some other media that is designed to destroy the minds of people everywhere. Pearl is out on a mission to take over the world, and she’s going to beam the world’s worst piece of media into the minds of every man, woman, and child.
Penny: Statement: That does not sound like a nice thing to do.
(The fan fiction light comes on.)
Tom: We’ve got fan fiction again!
Penny: Inquiry: Do I have to endure this fan fiction?
Mike: Yes.
(Door sequence. Theater. We see Mike and the boots sitting in their places.)
Penny: Statement: I am not sure I want to go through this.
Mike: You’re not alone.
>"Pillow"
>by jenX
>[email protected]
Big John: [sings] I found a new friend underneath my pillow.
Penny: Observation: you did not discover me underneath a pillow. I was made on a slab.
Big John: No, no, no, that’s a song, Penny.
Penny: Request: Please do not try to confuse me so much in the future.
>I start off every night holding my pillow.
Tom: Wouldn’t it be easier to sleep if you were laying your head on the pillow?
Penny: Inquiry: Aren’t pillows supposed to support one’s head while in bed?
Mike: Yea.
>I clutch it so tightly, like if I give even a little, if I let go, then all these emotions I'm holding in will just let loose and I won't ever get them back.
Crow: Man, get a life!
Penny: Inquiry: Why should this Rogue person want to keep these emotions inside her?
Big John: Beats me, Penny. Most psychologists state that emotions should be released.
>It's silly, I know.
Crow: Hey, more honesty in fan fiction about itself!
Penny: Observation: I cannot come to the same conclusion. Evidence indicates that she is referring to other matters.
Mike: True, but it’s just as applicable to this fan fiction.
>My pillow isn't him, and won't ever be, and I'll never hold him so tightly in my arms like that.
Big John: Well, you can hold me in your arms!
Mike: Big John!
>I'm cursed with permanent haptephobia -- fear of contact.
Crow: [as Rogue] Actually, Ah don’t fear contact - jest havin’ to endure all them thoughts those fellers have about havin’ sex with me.
Mike: Crow!
Penny: Inquiry: Do you not find sex enjoyable, Mike Nelson?
Mike: [To Penny] Well, yea, but when it gets out of hand....
Penny: Statement: I will have to correct this anomaly.
>Isolated.
Tom: Have you tried changing your mouthwash?
Big John: You could try shaving your legs once in awhile.
Crow: And your armpits too.
All: EEEWWW!!!
>Isolated, like some kind of human island.
Big John: [sings] Islands in the sea/ What’s come over me/ If anything at all / To break up the monotony!
Penny: Observation: even though we have not gotten far into this fan fiction, it does appear to be monotonous.
>Dear God, I'm so alone!
Big John: Well, I could help you out sometime here.
Mike: Yea, and she’d absorb all your power.
Big John: Well, if you got to go, that’s the way to go!
>And I know he's there -- it isn't that he doesn't care.
Mike: Frankly, I don’t care about this fan fi.
Penny: Inquiry: Who is she talking about?
Tom: Probably the man she loves, Gambit.
Crow: Well, she doesn’t make it clear...
>Or anyone else, for that matter.
Crow: [as Rogue] It’s jest like the X-Men not to care about mah feelings.
Penny: Inquiry: Why are you speaking with a Southern accent when talking as Rogue?
Tom: Well, see, Rogue is From Caldicott County, Mississippi. She’s supposed to have a Southern accent.
Mike: But that Wolverine story we had not too long ago said she was from Louisiana.
Big John: Actually, the first Handbook of the Marvel Universe lists her place of birth as Georgia.*
Penny: Conclusion: Next month she will be from East Texas.
>They're all *there*, and they take pity on this poor tortured sould.
Penny: Inquiry: What is a sould?
Crow: I wonder if jenny is one of the members of the Commission on Superhuman activities?
Mike: Nah, she actually doesn’t misspell every other word - just a few of them.
>I'm as human as they are --
Mike: I thought you were a comic book character.
Penny: Inquiry: Would that not make her unreal?
Crow: It’s hard to explain, Penny.
>I don't need pity.
Big John: [as Rogue] What Ah really need is a hot hunk that Ah can -
Mike: Big John!!
>I don't need to be cried over.
Big John: [as Rogue] But you can cry under me all you want, sugah.
Crow: After all, tear stains are murder to take out of spandex.
>I can take care of myself.
Tom: [as Rogue] After all, Ah am over fahve years old now.
Big John: Well, just you let daddy take care of you now...
Mike: Now there’s a scary thought.
>Most of the time. I think.
Penny: Inquiry: She is not sure if she can take care of herself? Does that mean she should be sent to psychological counseling?
Tom: Well, things in the Marvel Universe are very complicated, Penny. For example, the act of mailing a postcard that says “Hello, I’m having a good day here.” and nothing else but the address could end up starting an intergalactic war.
Penny: Conclusion: I would not like to live in the Marvel Universe.
>I swallow,
Big John: So you swallow, you’re a hot babe, and you still don’t get dates?
Tom: Big John, prolonged contact with Rogue is fatal.
Big John: For humans, maybe. But what a way to go!
>laying there in my bed, and try to blink back tears that inevitably form in the darkness of my room.
Penny: Inquiry: Is Rogue afraid of the dark?
Crow: Probably not - then again, you can never tell what a character’s going to do next. Often characters are “reinvented” to suit an author’s needs. Take for example the Thunderbolts.
>This awful emotion --
Crow: Just like this awful fan fi,
Penny: Inquiry: Are all fan fictions this bad?
Big John: No, actually, some of them are better than the original stuff Marvel puts out.
>lonliness -- tears open some kind of rift in my heart --
Big John: But makes it easy for us to riff on this fan fi,
Mike: What I don’t understand is that Rogue has been given the opportunity to control her powers, and to get rid of them all together, but she chose not to take it.
>a greater divide than I thought I could ever even imagine --
Crow: [sings] Wolf Creek Pass/ Will take you across the great divide/ Hookin’ it down/ The other side.
Mike: Meanwhile, Big John here is howling like a wolf over Rogue’s body.
Big John: Well, can you blame me?
>and I need to know that he's *really* there.
Crow: [as Rogue] After all, Ah’m constantly catchin’ Gambit tryin’ to see me naked.
Mike: *SIGH*...
>If I [sic] could just reach out and --
Tom: [sings] Reach out/ Reach out and touch someone.
Crow: Hey, jenny, ever hear of proofreading?
>-- and -- and sense that he was there,
Penny: Inquiry: Why does she not just look to see if he is in a given area at a given time?
Mike: Probably because it’s too easy.
>like some kind of telepath searching for a psi-signature.
Big John: [as Rogue] But all them guys who are out to git me in bed are always crowdin’ up everythang!
Mike: That’s getting really old now, Big John.
Penny: Inquiry: Mike Nelson, why are you so unwilling to accept sexually oriented commentary from Big John?
Mike: Well, here at the satellite, there’s really no time for love. This place is usually a place for suffering and misery.
Penny: Conclusion: I do not think I want to be here.
>No -- no, I'm no telepath.
Big John: But you could easily become one. Just give ol’ Charlie there a kiss.
Penny: Inquiry: Who is Charlie?
Crow: The leader of the X-Men is named Professor Charles Xavier. He is one of the most powerful telepaths in the Marvel Universe.
>That's not -- that's not who I am.
Penny: Inquiry: Given that Rogue is from the Southern United States, why does the author write her like she was from the United Kingdom?
Big John: I’ll give you three guesses as to where the author’s from.
>And I'm hardly normal.
Mike: Frankly, a fan fi full of happy, well-adjusted people would fall flat like a lead balloon.
Big John: What’s the fun in being normal these days? We all know that the bad girls are the ones who really have the fun.
Penny: And I would like to prove that after this fan fiction is over.
>Life would be so much easier if I were just normal!
Tom: But being normal is so boring!
Penny:: Observation: Is it not the uniqueness of humans that sets them apart from most animals?
Mike: Unfortunately, this is something that would make people think about that....
>But my whole existence has been like some kind of sick cosmic joke.
Big John: No it hasn’t! Your existence is for some hot stud to -
Mike: (interrupts) Big John!
>And I'm not laughing.
Tom: Neither are we - this fan fi is terrible.
Penny: Statement: I am not laughing either. The emotion I experience is disgust.
>It's late.
Mike: Good, now shut up and go to sleep.
>Too late.
Big John: It’s never too late. I’m available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Mike: And you never stop with anything!
>And I can't sleep.
Tom: Take some Unisom fer chrissakes!
Penny: Inquiry: If she is constantly spending the night awake, would she not suffer from the effects of sleep deprivation?
Mike: This fan fi is putting me to sleep.
>I'm still holding my pillow, and it's getting wet.
Big John: And just how is it getting wet?
Mike: [Coldly] She’s crying on it.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>I wrap myself around it, wishing it was him, praying that I could only feel his arms around me, too.
Crow: You can still embrace Gambit - we’ve seen you do it a number of times.
Tom: If you learn about love from Marvel, you’re going to be confused no end.
>Tight --
Big John: Like your-
Mike: Don’t even think of finishing that sentence.
>tighter -- tighter --
Big John: Oh, yea! I like ‘em nice and tight!
Mike: [annoyed] That ‘s not what she’s talking about!
>Love is a curious thing.
Big John: [sings] Love is a money spending thing...
Tom: And the writer is a perfect example of that. She’s so fixated with Chamber, I have to wonder if she’s not really talking about him here.
Crow: You mean she’s not? Are you sure?
>I want to believe I love him, but it's hard
Big John: Come on, seeing a total babe like you in very little is gonna make any man hard.
Mike: Big John!
>because he's gone.
Tom: But Gambit rejoined the X-Men!
>Would I still think these thoughts if he were here?
Penny: Inquiry: Even if she did, would anyone care?
>Would he still carve his presence into my heart
Tom: [As Rogue] And it’s very painful since the knife he’s using is sharp enough to penetrate mah superhumanly durable skin-
Mike:Tom!
Tom: Well, if Big John can go for sex, I should be allowed to go for violence. After all, they are our new Gods.
Mike: *SIGH*... whatever happened to honest, clean characters like Captain America?
Crow: Well, Cap’s been in the Avengers, but he’s sorta behind some of the other characters...
>to the point where it ached as badly as it does now?
Penny: Observation: If you are in pain, take some aspirin.
Mike: Well, it’s not that easy, Penny.
Penny: Statement: I’m glad I’m just a robot and don’t have to deal with these silly emotions.
>Sometimes I think I wouldn't know love if it slapped me in the face.
Big John: Well, I can -
Mike: No, no no.
>But I still want it --
Big John: Well, let me give you my 11 inch -
Mike [interrupts]: Yea, right! The only thing you have that’s 11 inches is your arm!
Big John: I suppose I have to prove it to you, hm?
Mike: [taken aback] No, I don’t want to see that.
Penny: Statement: But I might.
>I still want him here --
Crow: [sings] I want you to want me/ I need you to need me.
>I still want to be loved.
Big John: Come on, babe! Take me!!
Penny: Observation: Is Big John always this obsessed with sex?
Tom: No, it’s just that he’s had his self-control circuits removed.
>It's such an elusive emotion,
Big John: Not for a woman, it’s not. Just go down to a bar and say “Man, I am soooo drunk!” Works every time. Slurring your speech helps too.
Mike: I give up, you’re impossible.
>ready to bring both joy and pain.
Big John: But the joy always outweighs the pain. As Tennyson said, “‘tis better to have loved and lost/ Than to have never loved at all.”
>Now it hurts more than ever.
Tom: Cramps?
Crow: PMS?
>And I know it wouldn't be any different if he were actually here.
Big John: You never know until you try me.
Penny: Statement: I am beginning to agree with you, Big John.
>This lonliness would still cut my heart up --
Penny: Observation: Since Rogue is so fixated with this Gambit character, and she cannot have him, then she should seek psychological help.
Crow: I think the same goes for this fan fic.
>even if he were to stand before me,
Big John: Naked as a jaybird, and -
(Big John turns to see Mike sleeping.)
Big John: [elbows Mike] Mike! wake up! This is where you’re supposed to interrupt me! Mike: *SNORKT* Huh? Wha?
(Mike looks around.)
Mike: Sorry gang. This fan fi put me to sleep.
Big John: As I was saying, Naked as a jaybird, and -
Mike: Cut it out, Big John. It wasn’t funny the first time.
Tom: Mike, you really can’t stop him. You might as well ignore him.
Mike: But if I do that, he’ll get this fan fi rated NC-17!
Crow: Thanks for breaking the fourth wall, Mike.
Mike: Well, I wouldn’t have to if Big John would learn some self-control.
Big John: I can’t help it if someone removed my self-control circuitry.
>surprising me with his long-awaited return,
Big John: And other long things,
Mike:That does it!
(Mike gets some duct tape and tapes up Big John’s optical sensors.)
Big John: Censorship stinks.
Penny: Inquiry: Why did you put duct tape over Big John’s optical sensors?
Mike: He was getting to surly.
>I would remain this terrible,
Mike: This fan fi would remain terrible no matter what you did to it.
>terrible suffering island,
Crow: [Sings] Islands in the sea/ What’s come over me? Islands on the land/ Fly like desert sand/ Islands in the sea/ All alone it’s such a pity!
>with no means of expressing all I feel.
Penny: [sings] Statement: It feels like summer.
Big John: Now you’re getting the hang of it.
>And God knows I feel so much --
Tom: Feeling low? Call suicide prevention.
Big John: And just what are you feeling?
Mike: nauseous.
>I've bottled everything up over the last year, and I can't take it anymore.
Crow: But I’ll sell you the bottles for the incredibly low price of only $19.95! Order now, supplies are limited!!
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the boots sitting around the place. Big John now has the duct tape on his face removed.)
Penny: Inquiry: If everyone wants Rogue to be able to control her powers, why does Marvel not do this?
Tom: You’re guess is as good as mine, Penny.
Big John: It seems Marvel has gotten out of touch with the readership - after all, they cancelled Excalibur despite a lot of protesting by the fans, fired Peter David even though the fans wanted him to stay, and they cancelled Alpha Flight despite the fans wanting otherwise.
Crow: Now they’re going to cancel Deadpool.
Tom: And the worst part of it is, if you’ve subscribed to any of those, your subscriptions get transferred to some other comic book - even if you don’t like it.
Penny: Observation: This could be related to their business losses.
Crow: Actually, that’s because they sunk a lot of money into other media which didn’t pan out so well. They’ve had to put up a web site, they’ve invested in several movies that bombed, and they’ve had some that weren’t even released.
(Penny’s head does several 360’s very fast.)
Tom: Oh, great, we’re making her head spin.
Crow: Sometimes, the truth is confusing.
(Penny’s head stops spinning.)
Mike: Don’t worry, Penny. This stuff makes my head spin too.
Crow: Actually, it’s part of a global phenomenon called the Peter principle.
Tom: Basically, this means that everyone is promoted to their level of incompetence.
Penny: Statement: I am liking this place less and less.
>I want to be able to fall asleep,
Crow: [as Rogue] But that dang Nightcrawler keeps tryin’ to play Errol Flynn every night and Ah can’t take all the racket.
Big John: [as Rogue] But that slimy Cajun keeps tryin’ to see me naked, and Ah -
Mike: That’s it. You’re scrubbing the floors.
>but these thoughts keep spinning in my head and won't let go.
Penny: Observation: Rogue’s problem seems to be psychological in nature. Can she not seek psychiatric counseling for this?
Crow: Well, in the Marvel Universe, there’s only two known psychologists, Doc Samson and Doctor Karla Sofen, a.k.a. Moonstone. He’s usually overbooked with heroes, listening to their endless angst, and she’s a wanted felon.
Penny: Statement: I am glad I do not live in the Marvel universe.
Mike: Just wait until we get to the dead and resurrected thing.
>It's probably for the better --
Tom: But this fan fiction keeps dragging on, and getting worse.
>sleep brings dreams.
Crow: [as Rogue] And as a woman, Ah’m not supposed to dream about Gambit.
Penny: Inquiry: Why is it acceptable for a man to dream about sex while a woman is not allowed to do the same?
>I know they're just dreams.
Mike: I used to have a recurring nightmare of a snake swallowing me whole. I wonder if it’s the same?
Big John: Let’s see what the book says about that... “Snakes represent the awakening or continuance of spiritual growth.”**
>There's no truth to them,
Big John: Not so fast. Current psychological theory states that dreamtime parallels real time; that is to say, you can interpret your dreams to assist you in real life.
>they're only a way of manifesting my unconscious fears.
Big John: Actually, current psychological theory states that you can control your dream imagery. That is to say, if you don’t like the way a dream is going, you can tell yourself to change it.
>I don't want to hurt anyone.
Big John: So go out with me, babe!
Crow: How do you know to say that here?
Big John: It’s simple, Crow. I’ve read enough of this fan fi to know that line is appropriate anywhere in it.
Tom Your behavior is in appropriate no matter what.
>I never wanted to hurt anyone.
Penny: Statement: Mike appears to have fallen asleep again.
Big John: Can you blame him? This fan fi is a sure-fire cure for insomnia.
(Big John elbows Mike again.)
Mike: Zzzzzz... *SKWERKT* Huh? Oh, not again...
Tom: I’m afraid so, Mike. Don’t worry, if we fell asleep, we’d be fast asleep too.
>But I have hurt people.
Crow: S & M?
Mike: Crow! Don’t make me have to tape up your optical sensors too!
>And I know I'll continue to hurt people,
Penny: Inquiry: Since Rogue is hurting people unnecessarily, does that make her a villainess?
Big John: Nope - but it makes the fan fiction intolerable.
>much as I want it all to stop.
All: We all want this to stop now!
>I put up barriers --
Mike: Just say no!
Big John: No? That takes all the fun out of life!
>physically and emotionally --
Crow: Is that like the boy in the bubble thing?
>to keep other people out,
Tom: Doesn’t work too well, though. People are constantly drooling over you.
>because I don't want to hurt them.
Penny: Observation: Most good stories follow a certain pattern, namely introduction, conflict, climax, denumount, and resolution. Why does this author not use that formula?
Crow: Such things have confounded the greatest philosophers of all time.
>And I hear his voice ringing in my head,
Crow: [sings] Voices/ Inside my head/ They cause/ The things that you say.
Mike: Well, voices in your head is a clear case of psychosis.
Tom And jenny is proof of that.
Big John: Maybe Gambit is telepathic.
(Brief pause.)
All: Oh no! Not a dark Gambit!
>as though he might be speaking to me, truly here --
>"All you do is lock yourself in -- it don' keep no one out."
Big John: She locks herself in with several guys? Man, she must have the stamina of a Goddess!
Crow: It’s from all those workouts in the Danger room.
>And I know he's right, much as I hate to admit it.
>I don't want to admit it.
Big John: Well, why don’t you go out with me?
Mike: Wrong time, Big John.
Tom: They say confession is good for the soul.
Crow: In that case, I confess that this fan fi is starting to disgust me.
Mike: You’re not alone in that.
>I'm so scared.
Crow: Pleased to meet you. I’m Crow T. Robot, and these are: Tom Servo, Big John, Mike Nelson, and Penny.
Penny: Observation: I believe she is talking about her fright, not who she is.
Tom: Well, frankly, this fan fiction is very scary.
>I wish my pillow were warm and soft like flesh.
Tom: You want one of those Nazi pillows that they made out of human flesh?
Mike: That’s a drawstring lamp you’re thinking about.
>I wish it would melt into skin and muscle and bone beneath my hands -- but my hands only bring pain.
Penny: Observation: If she wants to sleep with Gambit, should she not take serious steps to control her powers?
Tom: Well, it’s a really screwy thing. I mean, they’ve had her loose her powers several times, but for some unfathomable reason, it doesn’t last too long. I mean, the fans want Marvel to write control for her powers, but they continuously choose not to let her have her powers under control.
Big John: Even screwier was they way they handled Rogue and Gambit’s first real kiss - one where she wouldn’t absorb his power. They were off panel at the time! It was a real let-down.
>Loss.
Tom: You mean lost... lost like this plot.
Mike: Just like I’ve lost time on this satellite having to read these horrible fan fics and watch these bad movies.
>Death.
Mike: This fan fi is almost enough to make anyone want to commit suicide.
Penny: Observation: This fan fi has gotten very monotonous.
>I'm destructive.
Crow: Pleased to meet you. I’m Crow T. Robot, this is Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, and Big John.
Tom: [sings] Paranoia self destroyer!/ And it goes like this!
Mike: No, no, no, it’s “I’m Batman.”
Big John: Mike, how many times do we have to tell you, Batman is a DC comic!
Mike: Sorry, Big John. It’s hard to keep them straight.
>I don't leave anything.
Mike: [As Rogue] After all, mah stepmama always made me clean mah plate at dinnertime.
Crow: [As Rogue] And she always made me clean mah room.
>I want to die.
Penny: Observation: Being stuck in this fan fi, I can understand why.
Mike: You think you got it bad? Try living in a satellite with no way out having to endure endless amounts of terrible fan fictions and movies along with two cobbled together robots and a pleasurebot with a libido the size of the known universe, then tell me you’ve got it bad!
>But I don't want to die alone.
All: Suicide pact!
Tom: Make one with the writer, please!!
>And this part of me --
Tom: [as Darth Vader] Come with me to the dark side, Rogue.
Crow: [as Rogue] No! Never! Ah won’t got with you! All you want is mah body!
>yes, it's a part of me as much as anything else --
>this part of me won't allow anything but this terrible lonliness.
Crow: [sings] I’m so tired of being alone.
Penny: Observation: One is never alone when one has friends.
Big John: It’s called urban alienation, Penny.
Penny: Statement: I am glad I do not live in the Marvel Universe.
>I don't want to fall asleep.
Penny: Suggestion: Since she does not wish to sleep, why does she not ingest caffeine?
Crow: Didn’t she just say she wanted to fall asleep a few lines ago?
Big John: Sure did. Then again, women change their minds like a man changes channels on a television.
>I worry what images might fill my head and plague my psyche as I innocently sleep --
Big John: Innocent my -
Mike: That does it! I’m throwing you out into the station!
(Mike pushes Big John out the door, and then closes it behind him.)
Mike: Now, let’s get back to this pit of Satan.
>No, not innocently.
Crow: Ha! Big John was right!
Mike: Crow, do you want to join him out there with no oxygen?
Crow: I’m a robot, I don’t need to breathe.
>I'm so far from innocent.
Big John: And just what are you guilty of?
Crow: Well, the writer is definitely guilty of bad writing.
>But this guilt is hardly mine --
Tom: Kinda like Original Sin, where because Adam ate the apple, you have to be guilty of it.
>much as I should accept it as my own.
Crow: I wonder if she thinks she should stop this fan fiction?
>I don't know anymore.
Crow: I guess that answers that question.
>Life got so confusing so fast.
Crow: So has the plot to this story.
Tom: Plot? Are you sure there’s a plot here?
>I need to feel your touch.
Crow [Sings] Put your arms around me I need you feel your touch-
>I don't want to hurt you.
Crow: She said that before, didn’t she?
Tom: Several times.
(Crow and Tom turn to see Mike and Penny sleeping.)
Crow: [pokes Mike] Mike, wake up!
Mike: *SNORT* Euh? Wha? Aw, man... Not again.
Tom: Hey, this time, they made Penny fall asleep too.
Crow: [pokes Penny] Penny, wake up!
Penny: Circuits online... observation: This fan fiction is a sure-fire cure for insomnia.
>Every morning my pillow winds up on the floor.
Tom: Because it was hogging all the covers!
Mike: It must be very painful for her to sleep without a pillow.
Crow: [as Rogue] Because it tried to take advantage of me too!
(The Lights come up, and then the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. Big John is there, without the duct tape over his optical sensors.)
Big John: So, how did it go?
Mike: It didn’t get any better.
(The screen comes to life, and we see Bobo and the Observer in Castle Forrester.)
Observer: Well now, how are we?
Mike: Well, I got this slight pain in my backside, and it’s called Big John.
Big John: Hey! I resent that!
Observer: So what did you think of our little fanfic here?
Crow: Needs salt.
Tom: Bury it with the others, because it failed too.
Penny: Inquiry: Who is the other male?
Crow: That’s Bobo, Pearl’s inept son.
(Castle Forrester.)
Bobo: Oh, mother will be so cross!
Observer: Well, we have more dreck to show you, Mike Nelson... and we’ll be back.
(SOL bridge.)
Mike: And we’ll be here.
(Castle Forrester.)
Bobo: Wait a minute... what is going on here? Who is that new robot?
Penny: Statement: my name is Penny. I have been constructed as a pleasurebot for Mike Nelson.
Observer: Oh, dear, dear, dear, we can’t have that, now can we?
Big John: Sure we can.
Observer: No we cannot.
Bobo: I’ve always wanted a pleasurebot.
Penny: Statement: I do not like where this conversation is going. Observation: Bobo is slimy and unappealing to me. I have been programmed to like only Mike Nelson.
Mike: You’re not alone in thinking this. Bobo hasn’t had a date in years.
Bobo: Well, I’m bringing you here anyway.
(Bobo pushes a button.)
Penny: Statement: I do not wish to -
(Penny teleports out.)
Observer: Pearl will be most disappointed in you, Mike.
Tom: Oh, poor Penny! The horror! The horror!
Big John: It shouldn’t happen to even the most hardened criminal.
(Castle Forrester. Penny teleports in.)
Penny: become your pleasurebot.
Bobo: Come to papa.
Penny: Request: Keep your grubby meathooks off me, mister!
(Bobo starts chasing Penny around. SOL. We see the two of them running around in the background as the Observer talks to Mike and the other boots.)
Observer: Pearl has been paged about this. She will be here shortly.
Penny: Request: HELP!!!!!!!!
(Mike and the boots look despondent.)
Tom: Well, easy come, easy go.
Big John: And her only crime was loving the wrong man.
(Castle Forrester. Bobo continues to chase Penny around as the Observer talks to Mike.)
Penny: Request: KEEP AWAY FROM ME, YOU SLIMY HOLE!!!
(The door suddenly bursts open, showing Pearl there. The act also knocks Penny into a wall, where she falls apart.)
Pearl: NELSON!!!!!!
Bobo: [aghast] My pleasurebot!
(Pearl approaches the screen.)
Pearl: HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO MAKE A PLEASUREBOT UP THERE!?!?!?!?!?
(SOL. Mike and the boots hold their ears/aural sensors.)
Tom: Oh my God! You killed Penny! You b|+¢#!!
Mike: Woah, no need to shout, Pearl. I didn’t make it, the boots were going to surprise me on my birthday.
Pearl: That does it! AS punishment, you’re going to have to endure 20 second periods without oxygen for the next 4 hours!
(Castle Forrester. Bobo looks over the pieces of Penny, trying to put her back together.)
Bobo: Alas, we could have been so good together....
*True fact. Look it up in the 1983 Handbook if you don’t believe me.
** Taken from The Dream Book Copyright 1995 Betty Bethards.