Generation X #42.

{Special thanks to Caddy for helping me out on this.}
(The Bridge. Mike is seen trying to fix Tom Servo. Crow enters.)

Crow: You called, Mike?
Mike: I'm totally confounded. Tom's broken down and I don't know how to fix him.
Crow: What's wrong?
Mike: Listen.
(Mike turns on Tom. Tom floats up sideways and starts dancing.)
Tom (sings out of tune): Sugar in the morning/ Sugar in the evening/ Sugar in the afternoon.

(Thankfully, Mike turns Tom off.)

Crow: I wouldn't know where to begin.

(The mads light flashes.)

Mike: Oh God, not her *now*.
Pearl: Nelson! Pay attention you pathetic excuse for a life form!
Mike: What is it, Pearl?
Pearl: I'm teleporting someone over there now. His name is Big John. He's going to be staying with you for two weeks.
Mike: Well, I can always use more company.
Pearl: This is as much his torture as yours! Do not forget that!!
(Big John teleports in. He is a metalic humanoid robot dressed in long shorts and a shirt.)
Big John: Hey there, got any babes on this station?
Pearl: Big John, you will stay there until you learn your lesson!
Big John: Yes mistress Pearl.
Pearl: And as for the rest of you, I'm cutting off the oxygen in the rest of the station just to be really cruel. I've got something very hideous to show you this time around.
Mike: I'll have to deal with Tom later...
Mike and the bots: We've got...!!!

(they pause for a second)

Err...something sign!!!

(Door sequence...)

(The theater. We see Big John, Crow, and Mike there, Big John's in Tom's space.)

Mike: Okay, so what's on deck for today that Pearl thinks is so bad?

Crow: Looks like a comic. Generation X #42? Hey, before we get started, let's have a little fun with the creative team here.
Mike: And who might that be, my robot friend?
Crow: Let's see here, first of all we have writer Larry Hama.
Big John: Isn't he the one who destroyed Elektra?
Crow: I thought he created Obnoxio the clown.
Mike: He must have done both, actually.
Crow: He's noted for being good at Wolverine, however.
Big John: Yea, but that's because ol' Santa Claws doesn't have a personality per se. These other characters do, you know.
Crow: Next, artist Terry Dodson.
Big John: Hey, Terry does such hot babes.
Crow: Can't disagree with you there.
Mike: Hey, great artwork is more than hot babes!
Big John: Bite your tongue!
Crow: He's right, Big John. You need realistic characters, life-like settings, and everything else to be right to be a good artist. Anyway, let's go on to inker Rachel Dodson.
Big John: What's the point of an inker anyway?
Mike: Well, the artist draws in pencil, and then the inker makes the lines dark by putting ink on them.
Big John: Well, then the inker really doesn't require a lot of talent.
Crow: Au contraire. Actually, it's very time consuming to make sure you follow the lines correctly. Now, let's talk about the colorist Felix Serrano.
Big John: Don't know much about this.
Mike: Sounds like the same as the inker. Let's skip the rest of them.
Crow: All right. I really would like to have ranted a little about Ruben Diaz, the editor.
Mike: Isn't he the one who's supposed to stop all the mistakes from happening?
Big John: He's been falling down on that job a lot of late.
Crow: He's been plummeting several stories of late. Well, let's get started, anyway First, check out the cover.
Big John: Say, who's that total babe there?
Crow: That's Bianca. Mike: White skin... names Bianca? *Groan.*
Big John: Hmm ... pale white skin, dressed in dark clothing ... must be a Goth.
Crow: She doesn't have black nail polish, though.
Big John: Must not be available in the dimension she just escaped from.
Okay, the fold out now...
Mike: Bianca LaNiege? Say, that's a corrupted French thing for Snow White, isn't it?
Big John: I'd take umbrage if I was French.
Crow: Well, while Marvel speaks many languages, they don't speak any of them very well.
Mike: Especially English.
Big John: Yea, like Sunspot over in X-Force... not until recently did he actually start speaking Portuguese, even though he's from Brazil.
Mike: You would think they know that they speak Portuguese in Brazil, not Spanish.
Crow: Es la escuela de Dan Quayle.
Big John: Huh?
Crow: The Dan Quayle School. Remember ol' Danny said after visiting Latin America: "I wish I had studied Latin more in school so I could talk to the people there."
Mike: Actually, that's an urban legend that has no basis in fact.
Crow: Really. I did not know that.
> Caption: They come from all across the globe, and all walks of life,
Mike: Hey, they don't have anyone from the Southern hemisphere in the team. They don't cover the whole earth.
Crow: That's not the point. The point is that they come from different backgrounds. Well, let's get to page 1 here.
> Caption: She is Emma Frost, headmistress of the Massachusetts Academy, and one of the most powerful psi talents on the planet.
Crow: I thought she was dead.
Big John: She did die, but then came back. You can never keep a hot babe like that down.
Mike: Gee, I hope when I die I don't get resurrected over and over.
Crow: Don't worry, you're not a Marvel character.
Big John: She sure is looking hot, though. I liked her better when she worethat lingerie outfit. You know, a bra, panties, and the cape.
Crow: Gee, why doesn't Pearl ever send us those kind of comics?
Mike: Crow, Don't follow Big John's example.
> Caption: Her young charges include mutants-in-training Paige Gutherie, aka Husk ...
Big John: Charges? Are they like on a credit card or something?
Mike: I wonder if they take American Express?
Mike & Big John (simultaneously): Visa ... it's everywhere you want to be.
Crow: No, no, it means she's supposed to take care of them.
Big John: Well, I'd certainly like her to take care of some things for me.
Mike: Don't go there, Big John.
Crow: "Mutants in training?" I thought you were born a mutant, not that you had to train for it.
Big John: Well, I hope she's teaching those babes to dress like she used to.
Crow & Mike (simultaneously): Big John!!
> Caption: Monet St. Claire aka M ...
Mike: St. Claire? So why does it call her Monet St. Croix on the inside front cover?
Big John: Maybe she's like Domino, and has tons of aliases.
Crow: Or maybe Marvel just blew it again.
Big John: Say, don't they call her Moanin' St. Claire in the Generation XXX site?
Mike & Crow (simultaneously): BIG JOHN!
Mike: Keep it up and I'll throw you out. Big John: I've been in Pearl's bedchamber. It takes a LOT to scare me.
> Caption: And Jubilation lee, aka Jubilee
Crow: Jubilee: Proof positive a Wolverine haircut looks good on nobody.
Big John (sings): "I looked in the mirror and almost fainted/Because my head looked like something Picasso had painted/ I had a bad haircut."
Crow: Who is that?
Big John: Wally Pleasant.
Mike: Who???
Crow: Getting back on track, what's with all this bold text? Are they afraid that if they don't bold things, we won't see it?
Mike: Hey, few people actually pay attention to the captions.
Crow: Anyway, one last thing: Wasn't Snow Valley supposed to be a small town? How'd they get a miniature golf course? Let alone one that looks older than dirt?
Big John: That course must be under the witness protection program. Page 2 now.
> Synch: This ain't the Masters and you're not Tiger Woods.
Big John: Say, I thought they were supposed to be searching for Gaia II. What are they doing playing miniature golf?
Mike: Maybe Banshee thinks Gaia II is in that critter he's looking into and that's why they're there.
Crow: If that was true, why is he shooting a golf ball in there?
Mike: To get her out, maybe?
Crow (slightly annoyed): Page 3.

> Ronee: Oooh, Betsy -- check out the boy in the mask! Maybe he's some celebrity in disguise!
Mike: If he was some famous celebrity, why in the world would he be wasting his time at a run down miniature golf course in Snow Valley, Mass.?
Big John: Are they playing miniature golf with rollerblades on? Say, that would be very difficult, wouldn't it?
Mike: Maybe it's one of those extreme things where they combine sports, you know like tennis and bowling.
Crow: Tennis and bowling?
Mike: Yea, you shoot a tennis all at ten pins, trying to knock them over in one stroke.
Crow: I'm sorry I asked. Geez, we've said a lot and covered little.
Big John: The best is yet to come, amigos.
Crow: Let's move on to page 4.

Big John: Yea, bend over Betsy babe, Big John is flyin' in!
Mike: Hey! Cut it out!
Big John: Gee, you're no fun.
Mike: Why is Jono wearing a shirt that says "Paul" on it?
Crow: Good question. What I'd like to know is where can I meet some impossibly hot babes like that which will swoon over me like they do Jono here.
Mike: Come on, this is the Marvel Universe. If those two were in this reality, they'd be supermodels, probably hawking makeup or some-thing like that.
All (singing simultaneously): Easy, breezy, beautiful, cover girl!
Crow: Well, they don't have much covered, do they?
Mike: I bet Hama thought it would be funny to have some babes hit on Jono like this.
Crow: It's definitely a letdown.

> M: How utterly shameless!
Big John: Who's more shameful: Someone who sentences their sister to a life of misery and silence for her sin, or these two babes?
Crow: I like that they drew them as black figurines against a setting sun, even though the panel before, the sun is higher in the sky. That's a clear indication that the artist is falling behind on his/her deadline.
> Banshee: Not cheatin' are ye?
> Queen: Who, moi?
Mike: So how can she cheat?
Big John: She just gives the ball a telekenetic shove.
Crow: But the Handbook to the Marvel Universe says the White Queen isn't telekinetic.
Big John: Apparently, she's getting new powers.
Crow: Ohmigawd! That means they're gonna turn her into a Dark White Queen.
Mike: Er, wouldn't that make her a Gray Queen?
Crow: And for that matter, since her powers are based on her DNA, wouldn't that require a major genetic restructuring of her DNA? Oh well, onto page 6.

> Betsy: That ball raised a little lump on your cute little head --
> Ronee: -- Would you like us to rub it and make it feel better?
Mike: If you're so worried about his well being, why did you hit him in the head with a golf ball in the first place?
Crow: And how is rubbing it going to make it feel *better*?
Big John: Maybe she's a sadist.
Crow: I guess we've all got out little hangups. I'd still like to meet someone who would swoon over me like that though. You have to admit, Chamber's not the best looking of the guys.
Big John: Onto page 8.

Mike: So Paige waits until NOW to intervene?
Crow: Apparently, she can't take much more of their bad dialogue. I know I couldn't.
Mike: I don't think I could have either. You know, I have NEVER seen a girl fawning over anyone like that. If a woman likes a man, she's more subtle about things. She gives him a wink, a smile, but doesn't go straight up to him and start pawing him.
Crow: And you'd know these things, Mike?
Mike: Hey! I'm better versed in the subilties of things than Big John here.
Big John: Must be one of Hama's fantasies, anyway.
Crow: Good point. Not only that, the rest of the team doesn't seem to care that Husk slapped those girls.
Big John: I'd like to give them a little slap - on their -
Mike and Crow (interrupting): Big John!
Mike: Something else I'd like to know: how is that small, dilapidated building there able to support the weight of that starship? It's got to weigh several tons!
Crow: And it came in and landed there, and NOBODY notices this.
Mike: Well, we are in the Marvel universe. It probably takes a lot more than a weird looking spaceship to make them lift an eyebrow. Onto page 9.

Big John: Yea! Bend over, goth babe, I'm comin' in fer ya!
> Bianca: That's her! The cheap blonde teeing up!
Crow: You mean she's cheap? I wonder if I could rent her out a night or two...
Big John: I certainly would like too as well.
Mike: You probably couldn't afford her Crow, with all the time you spend surfing the net.
Crow: Hey, I get my net time for free.
Mike: Then what was all that charge on my credit card for?
Crow: Oh, that was for the... err... replacement parts. Yea, that's it.
Big John: Hmm... I'd start checking out some of the lesser used parts of the station if I were you.
(Big John nudges Crow and winks.)
> Bianca: And payback is going to be sweet indeed, now that I have acquired psi-powers to rival her own!
Mike: Erm, I don't know if I'd want to date a woman that could read my mind .... after all, she'd pick up on some naughty thoughts.
Crow: And you couldn't keep any secrets from her.
Big John: Eh, I don't care. I'd still boff her one.
Mike: Big John, I'm warning you...
Crow: Let's go onto page 12, shall we?

> Caption: Betsy Braddock, aka Psylocke is locked in a deadly duel with Ananasi the Trickster.
Mike: More bolding? They must think we're going blind or something.
Big John: Well,some guys do pull the rod while looking at these pictures.
Mike: Big John! All right that's it! Get out of here! I don't care what Pearl says, you're corrupting an innocent robot mind!
Crow: Innocent? Who?
Big John: Oh come *on*, Mike. You know that these comic books are geared to sell to horny adolescent boys.
Mike: But this is supposed to be a family viewing show.
Big John: All right, all right. I'll calm down. Promise.
Crow: Way to break the fourth wall, Mike.
Mike: Shush.

Crow: Back to the comic here... I think they believe that if you can't be good, be bold!
Big John: Kinda like you can tell how bad a chorus line is by counting the number of times they say "Hooray!"
Mike: If this comic was a musical, they'd be shouting "hooray" every five seconds!
Crow: Oh yeah, and there's something else I'd like to kn