(Scene 1. Bridge. Mike enters the place, wearing a space suit. Behind him is Crow and Tom Servo.)

Mike: God, that seemed like it took an eternity.
Crow: Well, at least the solar panels are fixed now.
(Mike takes off his helmet, and sets it down.)
Mike: Gypsy, status report on solar panel 3.
Gypsy: Solar panel 3 is operating at 98% efficiency, Mike.
Mike: That�s good to hear, Gypsy. Keep me apprised if anything else goes wrong.
(The light comes on indicating a communication from Pearl is coming in.)

Crow: Pearl�s calling.
Tom: Maybe we shouldn�t answer.
(The screen comes to life showing Pearl on it.)
Pearl: Well, did you get MY station fixed!?
Mike: The solar panel�s working again, no thanks to you.
Pearl: Listen Mr. I-think-I�m-Norm-Abram,
Your idea of fixing everything is putting duct tape over it! Next time, don�t mess with my station!
Mike: You can taunt me all you want, but I�m not going to break, Pearl. Do you hear me? NEVER!!
Pearl: Hmmm .... well, I have an idea.
(Pearl pushes some buttons.)
Pearl: I just cut off all the oxygen except in the viewing room. That should save oxygen.
Crow: Not again.
Mike: Well, we've got to go there again.
(Door sequence.)

(Scene 2. Theater. We see Crow, Tom Servo, Big John, and Mike there.)

Big John: Whew! Barely made it!
Mike: Oh God, not you again!
Tom: What?
Mike: Not you, him.
Big John: What?
Mike: You. I'm not going to stand for your libido again.
Big John: Relax, I learned my lesson from last time.
Crow: Famous last words.
Tom: I've got an idea.
(Tom turns Big John off.)
Big John: ERK!
Crow: Why didn't we think of that?
Mike: Probably too much time here. Well, what horrific thing has Pearl sent us today?
Crow: Another comic book. Appears to be X-Force #81. Let's check out the creative team behind this unbelievable disaster, hm? First, writer John Francis Moore.
Tom: He's not that bad a writer, actually. He usually does pretty good.
Crow: Artist Adam Pollina.
Tom: Adam's a great artist. Why is he leaving?
Crow: Probably because of Editor Bobbie Chase. She drove Peter David off of the Incredible Hulk. Adam sided with Peter in that notorious fight*. Mark Morales, Inker.
Mike: Has he done anything before this?
Tom: Dunno. Bobbie Chase, editor.
Crow: Bobbie... that's kind of a sissy way for a he-man who once edited GI Joe and now edits the Incredible Hulk to spell his name.
Tom: Bobbie's a woman!
Crow: Are you sure?
Tom: Yea, they used to have these "Meet the bullpenners" things in the Bullpen Bulletins, and the picture they had of Bobbie was that of a woman.
Mike: Well, let's start with the cover here.

Crow: Ohmigawd! That's Babe the pig they're gonna eat!
Mike: No it's not. It's just a baby pig they killed.
Crow: That poor widdle baby pig... it could have had such a productive life... and it's mother must be heartbroken over it's death.
Mike: STOP IT! What I'd like to know is this: where does this take place inside?
Tom: And if memory serves,* those tiki masks are not native to Hawaii.
>>Among the Pantheon of Hawaiian Goddesses, none is more beautiful and more volatile than Pele, Goddess of volcanoes.
Tom: Say, doesn't she usually appear as an old woman, then turns herself young?
Mike: The ritual is that a chieftan's right of passage is to be a love to Pele. She appears to him as an old woman. When he accepts her, she turns herself young. It's kinda interesting that the Hawaiian people invented Pele, and said she moved from island to island, even before the discovery of plate tectonics, and the finding of the narrow spot of the Pacific plate beneath the Hawaiian islands. In the legend, Pele moved from island to island to escape her sister Na-maka-o-kaha'i, like the hot spot moved from Maui to Oahu to the big island of Hawaii iteself. Well, onto page 2.

>> Sunspot: Relax, Tabitha! Surfing's all about balance. You're not going to fall unless you keep squirming like that.

Mike: Man, Sunspot must be an expert surfer if he can keep his balance and deal with a nervous Meltdown like that.
Tom: Where did he learn to surf like that?
Crow: Probably back in Brazil.
Mike: But that's not really prime surfing country. The waves don't get big enough to be surfing quality.*
>> Meltdown: "That's the last time I let Bobby talk me into something like that. No more cute couple stints.

Crow: Wait a minute: I thought she wasn't in love with him.
Mike: Apparently, she's changed her mind.
Tom: I have to wonder if they can drag this out any more than they already have. She's supposed to be in love with Cannonball, but apparently, they're in one of those we can't quite seem to break up and we can't quite seem to make up things.
Mike: I've given up trying to figure out relationships long ago.
Crow: So is that why your love life is the way it is now?
Mike: Don�t go there, Crow.

>> Meltdown: If he wants to do this boyfriend/girlfriend thing, he's gonna have to learn it's a two way street.

>>Old Person: "That's just Tutu Pele - Grandmother Pele -- lettin' everyone know she's still in charge.

Tom: Haven't they learned NEVER to speak about any legendary creature yet? It always happens that the creature or person is real and comes to life! Just look at X-Force and Cable Annual '95 for a prime example.
Crow: Better a woman like that than some wicked monster.
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Sorry.
Tom: You've been hanging around Big John, haven't you?
Mike: What I'd like to know is this: Is that old person a man or a woman? It's impossible to tell.
Tom: Maybe it's Paaaat's long-lost parent. Crow: Page 8 now.

>> Warpath:"I can't believe we're at a luau, Theresa. I feel like such an American tourist.
>>Siryn: "Well, with me red hair and fair skin, no one's gonnae ever mistake me for a local.

Mike: Uhm... I think the artist forgot something here.
Tom: You mean like Warpath and Siryn?
Mike: Yea.
Crow: And is that Ritchie Allegra in the foreground there?
Tom: Sure looks like him. I have to wonder how he got out to Hawaii while owing all that money he supposedly owed.
Crow: Probably the same way that X-Force went across America without any money, yet managed to stay in hotel rooms, got enough food and drink for five people, and makeup for three of them.

>> "Play 'Tiny Bubbles.'"

Mike: A Hawaiian version of a Lawrence Welk song?
Tom: It's not as scary as the grunge version.
Crow: Don Ho did a different song entitled "Tiny Bubbles."

>> Woman: "I need a raise. They don't pay me enough to put up with every half-drunk haole."

Mike: I feel your pain.
Tom: Pearl doesn't pay you anything.
Mike: I need a vacation from this too.
Crow: That reminds me of that politcal cartoon of Bill Clinton addressing the International PMS sufferers convention, and telling them, "I feel your pain."

>> Krotok: "You will come with Krotok, female. Do not resist."
Risque: "JAAAMES!"

Crow: Wait a minute here. Why isn't Risque using her powers to fight Krotok? Tom: And for that matter, why is Krotok interested in her in the first place?
Tom: She should use her mutant implosion powers on him.

>>"We didn't know that a faction of subterranean lava people also want the "heart."

Tom: So Krotok is a lava man?
Mike: Then why didn't Warpath's hand burn when he hit Krotok?
Crow: An asbestos glove maybe?
(The doors open and the screen goes blank.)

Gypsy (from off screen): We have an incoming communication.
(Door sequence. Then Mike, Crow and Tom find themselves on the bridge.)

Mike: This is really getting to be annoying now.
(Suddenly a communication comes in from Pearl.)

Pearl: Well, enojying things there?
Mike: You're out of your mind, Pearl ...
Pearl: Where's Big John?
Mike: We shut him off back at the theater.
Pearl: Turn him back on.
Crow: Oh God no...
Pearl: I said turn him on now!!
(Door sequence. They go back to the theater.)

Crow: Do we really have to do this?
Mike: I like to breathe, Crow.
(Very reluctantly, Tom goes over and turns Big John on.)
Big John: Oh baby, you know you turn me on!! (looks) Oh God, I'm back here again.
Mike: Pearl wants to talk to you again.

(Door sequence. Bridge.)

Pearl: Big John, are you learning your lesson yet?
Big John: Yes, exhaulted mistress Pearl.
Pearl: Good... I'd hate to have to keep you there longer. And as for you, Mike, Keep Big John on and in there, or I shut the oxygen off as well.
(The screen goes blank.)

Crow: God that woman hates us.
Big John: At least you don't have to pleasure her in bed. So what do we have today?
Mike (nervously): X-Force #81.

(Big John looks the comic book.)

Big John: All right!! Hot babes in skimpy clothing!! We've hit the jackpot!!
Mike (annoyed): Calm down, Big John. I swear, you're horrible with that libido thing.
Big John: I can't help it, it's the core of my programming.
Mike (trying to move things along): GETTING BACK ON TRACK, we're checking out page 14.
Big John: All right! Climb that rock so we can look up your skirt, babe!

>>" You're a Cheyenne who has stood in the halls of Asguard. How can you doubt the existance of others?
Crow: How does she know this?

Tom: And how did she get that sunburst effect that's behind her?
Big John: Oh, that's easy. She's -
Mike: Big John, shut up.

>> Moonstar: "I don't know about Risque, Theresa. I get a really strange vibe from her.

Crow: Well, I know for sure what kind of vibe I'm getting from this comic book. Terrible!
Mike: Can't argue with you there, Crow. Page 18 now.

>> Sledge: "That no good lowlife grabbed the stone and disappeared --"

Tom: Unwritten rule of villain alliences #1: They always end in a double-cross, right after one of them has gained some kind of power or treasure.
Big John: Yea, and ol' baldy there has betrayed a lot of people.
Mike: Let's check out the big poster on pages 20-21.

Big John: Oh yea, babes! Take it off!
Mike: *SIGH* They're putting on their uniforms, Big John.
Crow: Say, wasn't the car they were riding around in a 1959 El Dorado?
Tom: Yes, and?
Crow: That's a 1965 Mustang there.
Mike: They sure are in a hurry to change. Why?
Tom: To check out the nuclear explosion over there.
Big John: I wouldn't rush toward a nuclear explosion, and I'm not even human.
Crow: Well, they should at least turn off the car's lights. I would hate to see the battery run out on that car.
Tom: And Siryn's hair suddenly changed shades of red.
Mike: Onto page 25.

>> Sledge: "Hey, take it easy, fellas. Let's be civil about this.

Tom: It wasn't very civil of him stealing the heart of Pele in the first place.
Big John: Lava men? Weren't they turned into stone over in the Avengers?
Crow: The footnote said that was only temporary.
Mike: Let's not get into that dead and resurrected thing again. We did that the last time.

>> Sunspot: "Gee, and if you can't trust an understanding citizen like the Vanisher, who can you trust?"

Tom: I'm not too sure I'd trust someone who's skin just changed from brown to gray.
Mike: Gee, he's in dire straights and all he can do is joke.
Big John: Must have hung around Deadpool too much.
>> "You've put all our lives in danger, Risque. I hope you know what you're doing."
Crow: And I hope you know that your skin has suddenly turned gray too.
Big John: Maybe it's some kind of weird disease.
Crow: Well, you're an expert on weird diseases, aren't you?
Big John: I use protection. Besides, this is what happened to me when she caught me with someone else.
Mike: Torture for both of us. Page 26.

>> Siryn: "I think we're being played like chess pieces."

Crow: Of course you are. You've got someone else deciding what you're doing, what you say, and how you go about it. It's called writing.
Big John: All right! Fly over me with that loose skirt, babe!
Mike, Crow, and Tom: BIG JOHN!!!
Big John: I can't help it. I'm not bad, I'm just programmed that way.
>> Siryn: "He doesn't know me, and even if he did, he's not gonnae be lookin' at me face."

Tom: Huh? Wasn't Siryn in the Fallen Angels along with Meltdown?
Crow: Sure was.
Big John: Face? She has a face?
Mike: All women have faces, Big John.
Big John: Hey ... you're right.
Crow: Why am I not surprised about that?
Mike: Maybe someone mindwiped the Vanisher and Siryn of their Fallen Angel years?
Crow: So why didn't they mindwipe Meltdown along with them?
Tom: I think someone put the Vanisher's head into a wine press. It never was like that before.
Mike: That's just the artist's style.
Tom: Adam's revenge?
Mike: What I'd like to know is why this EMP wave hasn't hit Moonstar yet. After all, it struck down several people in that last one we saw.

>> Siryn: "Wipe that look off yuir face, Roberto DaCosta. The only reason I'm doin' this is t'get the heart back."

Big John: Oh yea, take it off! Take it all off!!
Mike: Big John, STOP IT!! I'm gonna throw you out of here if you keep it up!
Big John: I�ve seen Pearl naked. Do you think something like that is going to scare me?
Crow: Good God, and you�re still fuctioning!?
Mike (trying to move things along): Page 28 now.

>> Siryn's thoughts: "But I'm bettin' the Vanisher won't be thinkin' with his head."

Tom: Oh, just like Big John, hm?
Crow: It amazes me how tearing her skirt like that turned it into the perfect pair of shorts with a slit up the side. Notice how all the edges are so straight. I doubt tearing fabric could really do that.
(Big John sweats and strains, but is no longer able to control himself.)
Big John: OOH YEA!! I WANT ME SOME OF HER!!!
Mike: All right, that's it, get out!
Big John: I'm sorry, Mike. I can't stop myself: Pearl removed my self-control circuitry when it comes to my libido.
Crow: I'm sure we've got plenty more in the robot pool.

>> Siryn: "Men are sooooo easy."

Crow: Funny, you practically throw yourself at Warpath every time you see him, but he's not deeply in lust with you.
Tom: Maybe she's been hanging around Deadpool too long. He's always got his mind in his pants.
Big John: Hey, he's one of my favorite male characters.
Crow: Why am I not surprised about that?
Tom: Do you think with anything besides your maleness?
Big John: Erm... no.
Tom, Mike & Crow: *Sigh.*
Big John: Come on, it's not fun without a little libido, right?
Mike: Wrong.

>> Siryn: "If Ah tell you, darlin', you have to promise to keep it absolutely confidential..."
>>Vanisher: "Your secret's safe with me, sweetheart"

Mike: And while we're on the subject of secrets, just how did you suddenly get lipstick on your lips, Siryn?
Crow: And why do those purple flowers change style in the background?
Big John: Oh no... not the purple flower joke!
Crow: What purple flower joke?
Big John: You don't want to know... it's to horrific to even talk about. Page 29 now.

Crow: Oh look, the heart of Pele changes color for no apparent reason.
>> Siryn: "We've done our part, Jinku. The heart's yours. Let us go."

Mike: And while you're at it, send the editor away too.
Crow: Yea... and bring back Adam! Next page now.
>> Siryn: "Ye've been holding out on us, Risque."
Mike: Say, they're in a chamber with a lot of lava, they're fighting, so why haven't they broken out in a sweat?
All: Never let 'em see you sweat.

>> Jinku: "I have built that weapon. Behold the Firebringer!"

Mike: Looks like that machine that we saw in Journey to the Core.
Tom: Geez, Marvel rips off a bad movie? Where will it stop??
Crow: When they figure out that it's not actually enhancing profits.

>> Moonstar: "I should have pieced this together earlier. She's not Risque."

Tom: You mean it took you this long to figure that out?
Mike: O.k., all the hot lava is behind them, which is the light source. So why is Moonstar's face lit up? It should be in the shadows, right?
Big John: Yea. It's probably the same reason why Meltdown and Warpath have a blueish hue to them here.

>> Pele: "I am Pele."

Tom: It's about time you showed your true colors.
Mike: You knew all along that was Pele?
Tom: Remember what I said earlier: Don't mention any legendary figures or you'll end up meeting them. Remember Cable and X-Force '95?
(Big John sweats oil and strains, but cannot take it anymore.)
Big John: AAAAHHHHHOOOOOOGGGGAAAA!!!!! CHECK OUT THE BABE!!!! WWWOOOOOO!!!!HUBBA HUBBA!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom, Mike and Crow: STOP IT, BIG JOHN!!!
Mike: Is it really necessary to show off Pele's butt crack?
Big John: OH YEA!!!
Crow: Well, this is designed to sell to horny teenage males.

>> Sunspot: "It's hard to refuse a God with legs like those."

(Big John has a breakdown.)
Big John: And lips and eyes and hair and - SFX: KA-WING!
Crow: Big John?
Tom: I think he's blown up. Too much libido overload.
Mike: Serves him right.
Crow: Anyway, she's a Goddess, not a God! A God is male!
Mike: Maybe he's getting libido overload too.

>> Moonstar: "We learned that it's better not to take anything from gods."

Mike: WHAT!? You could have ended the fight between humans and mutants, had anything your heart desired, and all you wish for is a little down time!?
Crow: When you live life on the edge like they do, a little down time now and then is welcomed.
Tom: Yea, kinda like that Talking Heads song "Heaven." You know. (sings) "Heaven/ Heaven is a place/ A place where nothing/ Nothing ever happens."
Mike: That doesn't rhyme.
Tom: It's not supposed to rhyme.
Crow: Well, it's the last page now.

(Suddenly Big John comes back to life, although uneasily.)

Big John:(Fast) Woo, woo, I think I nearly blew a gasket. (slowly) Where... are... we?
Mike (Very uneasy): The last page.
Mike, Tom and Crow dive for cover as Big John sees the last page.)
Big John (straining): WOAH!!!! BABES IN BIKINIS!! I WANT SOME OF THAT NOW!!! GET ME - !
(Big John breaks down again, and smoke comes out from his head.)
Tom: Big John's blown a gasket.
Crow: Well, showing them in bikinis will do that to him.
Mike: Say, why is Sunspot getting cozy with Moonstar when he's supposed to be in love with Meltdown?
All except Big John: Good Lord! They're rehashing the love triangle plot!
Crow: Well, that�s the end of the book.

(The doors open, and then door sequence. Bridge.)

Mike: Well, that wasn�t as bad as the last one.
A communication comes in from Pearl as Mike, Tom and Crow attend to Big John.)
Pearl: Well, what do you have to say now?
Mike: Your pleasurebot blew up when he saw all those women in bikinis in this issue you gave us.
Pearl: WHAT!? If you've done anything to him, I'll -
Crow: He can be fixed. But we're going to need some time to do it.
Pearl: Curse you all!! All right, you'll get your wish! But I want him operational in 24 hours!
Mike: All right...
(The screen goes blank.)
Mike: Let�s put those self-control circuits in Big John now...

*Note: This is what I've heard. It may not be 100% accurate. Searching the net has proved fruitless.