(Scene: SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots slumped over, either deactivated or sleeping. Missing is Big John.)
Mike: Zzzzzzzzz....
(Mike Wakes up.)
Mike: *SNORKT* Wha... ? What happened?
(Mike stands to see the bots deactivated.)
Mike: Man, that must have been some party...
(He goes over and turns on Crow.)
Crow: EEK!
Mike: Crow, what happened last night?
Crow: I... I can’t remember. It was something about an experimental something or other.
(Mike turns on Tom Servo and Camerabot.)
Mike: Tom, can you hear me?
Tom: Uncle TI 99-4A?
Crow: Your uncle was a TI 99-4A?
(Mike goes over to Gypsy, and turns her on.)
Gypsy: Uhn... oh dear oh dear oh dear.
Mike: Gypsy, do you know what happened?
Gypsy: I do not, Mike... running internal diagnostics...
Mike: When you’re done, run a diagnostic on the Satellite.
(Mike goes over to the sanflac.)
Mike: Man, I got to go bad...
(Mike opens up the sanflac to see Big John fall out, deactivated.)
Crow: Big John!
Mike: Weird... (pushes Big John aside.) Well, I’ll try to solve this more when I come back out.
(Mike enters the sanflac, and closes the door.)
Gypsy: Beacons state that we have been unconscious for approximately 8 earth hours. Satellite's systems also indicate an 8 hour gap. Adjusting chronometers accordingly.
(Mike reenters. We hear the sound of a toilet flushing in the background.)
Mike: Ah, any more clues as to what went on?
Gypsy: We seem to have been unconscious for eight hours, Mike. I am currently running a sweep of all functions.
Mike: Keep me posted if you discover something.
(Commercial. We see a buxom bleach blonde woman wearing a halter top and a very short miniskirt. She is standing in a doorway, and inside the place looks like a flophouse. We go inside to see various scenes of risqué behavior, and men and women going into rooms arm in arm.)
Announcer: In New Orleans’ French Quarter, there’s a place that will give you a massage like you will never forget. Sally Ann’s is one house that’s earned a good reputation for being a house of ill repute. So if you’re in the Big Easy, bring some condoms and your Wisa card. Because at Sally Ann’s, they don’t play it unsafe, and they don’t take American Excess. Wisa. It’s everywhere you want to be.
(SOL Bridge again.)
Crow: Hey, I like that commercial.
Tom: You would.
Mike: I think you’ve been hanging around Big John too much.
(The screen comes to life, and Pearl is on it.)
Pearl: NELSON!!! Where have you been with my satellite!?
Mike: Well... we’re still trying to figure out that ourselves.
Pearl: You’ve been gone for eight hours now!!
Gypsy: I have made a discovery. Just before we blanked out, sensors show a time hole wandering into our orbital path.
Pearl: Well, time hole or not, you’re still going to have to read this fan fiction I got! And turn Big John on!
Tom: Do we really have to?
Mike: I don’t want to either, Tom.
(Mike very reluctantly tweaks Big John, who comes on.)
Big John: Oh baby, you know how to turn me on!
Mike: I’m not your baby and I’m certainly not turning you on because I want to.
Pearl: Shut up, you waste of DNA! I’m sending you the worst fanfic I’ve found so far! And you’re going to be out of your minds when I’m done!
(The FF light comes on.)
Big John: Not again.
(Door sequence.)
1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10
(Theater.)
Mike: So what fan fiction has Pearl dredged up this time?
Crow: Let’s see here...
>"Liberation"
>by JenX
>Spirit [email protected]
>6/16/98
Mike: Who’s JenX?
Big John: Oh, I read something of hers once. She seems to have an unnatural fixation with Chamber of Generation X.
Crow: Chamber??? Isn’t he the guy who has a big hole in his chest that spews out raw psychic energy?
Tom: Yes.
Big John: Some guys get all the women.
Crow: And I bet Mike wishes he was one of them.
Mike: Leave me out of this. I’m not too sure I want to have a woman obsessed with Chamber hounding me. Remember Amy Fisher?
>Note: Meant as a "filler" piece to unclog the clouds that have seemed to infiltrate the big ol' story I'm >working on. Takes place while Al and Jen are talking and Jono still doesn't have his jacket. :)
Mike (Sarcastically): Well, that sure clears things up.
Big John: What other story is she talking about? She’s got several fanfics on her site.
Crow: That’s probably the only smile this story has ever generated.
>Confusion.
Crow: Well, we’ve gone from one bit of confusion to another.
Tom: Frankly, reading something like this is very confusing.
>Boredom.
Mike:Just like this fanfic is already boring me!
Crow: Man, two words into the fanfic and already we’ve got MiST material.
>Two emotions that mixed neatly together in this perfect little package of his head.
Crow: Send that package Federal Express... when it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.
Tom: Express mail is cheaper.
Big John: Personally, I prefer UPS.
Mike: Mix it up and serve with a side of onion rings and a Singapore sling.
>And Jen, joining both of them, dancing with every aspect of him he'd so treasured.
Crow: How do you dance with an aspect?
Mike: Maybe it knows these new dances. I can never keep up with them all.
Tom: And how was Jen able to join the emotions in his head?
Big John: Teleportation? Then again, wouldn’t it be painful?
>His solitude.
Big John: Just like your -
Mike: Don’t go there, Big John.
>His ambiguity.
Big John: Hey, I can use both hands too!
Mike: That’s ambidextrous, Big John. Ambiguity means that he’s torn between two things.
>His darkness.
Tom: Oh God, not another “dark” character! The Marvel Universe already has Wolverine, Punisher, Ghost Rider, Marrow, Deadpool, and several others! We don’t need more!
Mike: I thought they were trying to turn the White Queen into a dark character.
Crow: This was written before that.
>Not that he was truly dark by nature.
Mike: Oh, so he’s sorta false dark, kinda gray instead, hmm?
Big John: Just like Darkhawk!
All but Big John: Who?????
Big John: Never mind.
>He wasn't the sort of guy you see that wanted to cut himself up
Tom: He was suicidal?
Big John: Well, if you were trapped in this fanfic, wouldn’t you be?
Tom: Oh yea.
Mike: You just got to love awkward phrasing.
>-- no, that was already taken care of by forces that were quite beyond his control.
Crow: You mean someone else is cutting him up?
Tom : Lorena Bobbitt?
Big John: AH! Women like that give me the creeps!
Mike: Turnabout is fair play, Big John.
>And why was he sitting here in a shady corner of medlab?
Tom: Because M and Jubilee were sitting in the sunny part of the medlab?
Crow: Maybe someone took all the chairs and put them in that shady corner.
Mike: Bad breath?
Big John: Chamber doesn’t have a mouth!
Mike: Then why do they keep drawing him with one?
>He was waiting,
Mike: Just like we are. Get on with the plot, already!!
Tom: Plot? There’s a plot to this?
>but he didn't know what for.
Crow: Just like we can’t figure out what this FF is for either.
Big John: They said at the top this was a filler kind of thing.
Tom: Oh, you mean like those low quality issues Marvel throws in at the last minute because someone missed a deadline, like Generation X #41?
Mike: They seem to be doing that a lot of late. We’ve been getting quite a few of them up here at the SOL.
Big John: This has about as much quality to it as those do.
>Maybe for Jen and Alison to finish their conversation.
Big John: Because, after all, they may have been talking about him and how both of them want him in bed.
Crow: Why in the world would someone want Chamber in bed with them?
Mike: It’s like those two women in that Generation X #42 Pearl sent us awhile back.
Tom: Come on, women aren’t notoriously hormonal. They’re trained a lot better than men are to control their raging hormones.
Mike: Perhaps we should send Big John here to hormonal training school.
Big John: Oh, sure, drag me into this.
Mike: Hey, you bots dragged me into the last one.
>He wanted to ignore the bloody link the former had set up -- he didn't even know how she'd done it.
Tom: A bloody link? Who’s blood is it?
Crow: And shouldn’t they clean that blood up?
Big John: A link to what?
>He didn't even know why she'd done it.
Tom: It was her blood? Her who?
Mike: Just like we’re not sure why JenX wrote this in the first place.
>Oh, sure, she had some sort of schoolgirl crush on him.
Crow: Crushing schoolgirls? Come on! There’s too much violence against women in the world today.
Big John: Make love, not -
Mike: I’m really getting sick of you saying that.
Tom: No, no. She means that she was in love with him.
All: EEEWWW!!
>That much he knew, but couldn't understand, either.
Mike: He’s not the only one. What’s this story all about, anyway?
Tom: Story? There’s a story in this?
>There was no reason to like him like that,
Big John: Just like there’s no reason for us to like this story.
Tom: Story? I don’t see a story here, guys.
Crow: You’re not the only one.
> he wasn't the sort of guy girls fell in love with.
Mike: So he was a geek, hmm?
Crow: So why are these young women falling in love with him?
Tom: And what about those two young women in Generation X #42?
Big John: Looks like you and he have something in common, Mike.
Mike: Don’t make me have to tape up your optical sensors again, Big John.
>He used to be, though. Before.
Crow: Just like -
Mike: Finish that sentence and I’ll turn you off.
Crow: I was going to say Big John.
Big John: Hey, I’m programmed that way. At least I have an excuse.
>But that was before.
Tom: More repetition! This writer has been watching too much teletubbies!
Big John: Maybe she’s a trance fan.
>Not now.
Mike: You mean there’s not going to be any plot to this story?
Crow: If not now, when?
Tom: Are you sure you want to find that out?
Crow: Well, now that you mentioned it...
>Now he was even more confused than he'd ever been.
All: He’s not alone in that!
Tom: It’s a teletubbie overdose!
Big John: I’m still partial to my trance theory.
>He heard Jen's thoughts without even trying to,
Crow: Well, of course he heard them. He’s telepathic.
Mike: I’m glad nobody else around here is telepathic. I’d hate to have you butting into my private thoughts. And I’d hate to be telepathic, especially with Big John around.
Big John: Oh, sure, like you haven’t had those kind of thoughts before.
Mike: I most certainly have not!
Big John: Then what about those magazines under your bed? That Miss September 2999 was a really hot babe.
Mike(Taken aback): Er... Let’s continue here.
>and they were accompanied by dizzying waves of pure emotion that often sent him reeling.
Crow: Fishing trip!
Tom (sings): Sailing/takes me away to where I’ve always/ knew I could be.
Big John: Well, to catch the big ones, you’ve got to go into deep water.
Mike: I’d like to have a vacation from the three of you for awhile myself.
>He hadn't known it was possible for one person to feel so much.
Big John: So what exactly was he feeling?
Mike: Don’t go there, Big John.
>Her emotions -- when she broadcast them to him,
Crow: Broadcast? Someone call the FCC!
Tom: And the P.M.R.C.!
>and didn't even know it --
Big John: She showed him she’s got the hots for him, and he doesn’t notice!? How insensitive!
Crow (as Jen): Oh, why must I be in love with a fictional character? Why can’t I have my Chamber?
Tom: Because he’s a fictional character.
>he was almost compelled to feel something for her.
Big John: But he chose to feel her -
Mike (interrupts): Stop that, Big John. We don’t need all this sexual innuendo.
Crow: I kinda like it, actually.
Mike (Agitated): Well, I don’t.
>Almost.
Mike: Just like this fan fic was almost good entertainment.
Big John (Sings): Well look at my face/ My name is could have been/My name is never was/ My name’s forgotten.
Crow : Celebrity skin?
Mike: Crow!
Crow: That’s the name of the song, Mike.
>Because this monster didn't love.
Tom (Sings): You’re a mean one, Mr. Grinch/Your heart’s an empty hole/Your brain is full of spiders/Got garlic in your soul Mr. Grinch/ I wouldn't touch you/ With a 39 and a half foot pole.
Big John: Man, not loving... or just not getting any?
Crow: Well, we know what it -
(Mike grabs ahold if Crow’s beak, closing it.)
Mike: Don’t make me have to weld your mouth shut.
>This monster couldn't love.
Big John: Ah, so he’s not getting any. That’s very depressing, having all those hot babes around you and not being able to have one kiss you.
Mike: Cease your line of reasoning at once.
Tom: He’s now a monster, hmm?
Crow: Only because he’s not returning JenX’s love.
Mike: How can he? He’s a fictional character!
>He couldn't possibly give Jen what he couldn't give Paige.
Big John: Oh, so his mutant power blew off that too, hmm? Ouch!!
Crow: That certainly would decrease one’s popularity with the ladies.
Mike: Stop it! Jeez, you two are worse than Michael Gartman.
All but Mike: WHO?????
Mike: Michael Gartman, of the Michael and Simone mystery series. Michael was always trying to get Simone into bed with him. She finally relented in the middle of the series.
Big John: So did he like it?
Mike: I’m not telling you.
>Or anyone else.
Tom: Looks like he’s not the giving type.
Crow (sings): It’s all give and take/ But you just take/ It all away from me!
Big John (Sings): No you can’t take it/ No you can’t take it/ No you can’t take that away from me!
Mike: I’d like to take a blunt instrument to this fan fic.
>Granted, he'd had feelings for Paige -- that much was true.
Big John: So just what of hers did he -
Mike (interrupts): Don’t make me have to tape up your optical sensors again.
>He could never tell her that, though, because ...
Crow: Because he didn’t have a mouth?
Big John: Because he couldn’t look into her soulful eyes and say “get lost, babe.”
Mike: Because the writer was too lazy to write the lines?
Tom: Because the writer is having a case of writer’s block?
>... because ...
All (singing): Because because because/ Because of the wonderful things he does! We’re off to see the wizard/ the wonderful wizard of echh!
Big John: No! Not brand echh!
All but Big John: What?
Big John: Never mind.
Mike: Nah, tell us.
Big John: Alright, back in the1960’s, Marvel put out a parody of itself called Not Brand Echh. It was a bunch of stories that mocked the Marvel Universe at the time. My favorite gag was one of the Mighty Sore (a Thor rip-off) entering Jazzguard for the first time in a long time. He said: “But... I am Mighty Sore.” To which Gumball replies “I’m not feeling that good myself.”
Tom: I think we were better off not knowing.
>Well, could he possibly think of a good reason?
Mike: Given the quality of this fan fic, my money’s on no.
Big John: Well, of course. It’s too convenient.
Crow: It certainly would make this thing interesting if he could.
>No.
Mike: Ha! I was right!
Big John: Of course. We could see that one coming from a mile away.
Tom: Anyone can see from a mile away this doesn’t have a plot to it.
>But that didn't mean he had to tell her.
Tom: We live in the age of communication, guys. You can get any message around the world in a matter of minutes with the right technology.
Mike: Frankly, this fan fic is definitely a waste of technology.
Crow: Psychologists say it’s healthier for people to let their emotions flow.
Big John: Even if it means hurting others?
Crow: Sure. Just don’t do it when they’re around.
>Did it?
Big John: Sure, tell her. The world needs more communication these days.
Mike: I would just e-mail her.
>He shook his head.
Mike: And because of the bio-powers he has, his head fell off!
Crow, Tom and Big John: EEEWWW!
>It wouldn't work.
Mike: You never know until you try.
Crow: Hmm.. maybe that’s why you don’t have a girlfriend right now.
Mike:That’s it. I don’t want you hanging around Big John anymore.
Big John: Oh, come on. I’m not that bad an influence on him - he was already that way.
>It would never work.
Crow: Yea, your right... this fan fic doesn’t work.
Mike: Kinda like that time when we lost power in the satellite and nothing worked.
Tom: More repetition! Teletubbies gone amok!
>Relationships just weren't his thing.
All (simultaneously): Technogeek!!
>Besides, he didn't have feelings for her anymore.
Big John: She stopped letting him feel her? Man, that’s a letdown.
Mike: That does it.
(Mike puts a piece of duct tape over Big John’s optical sensors.)
Mike: And until you behave yourself, that will stay there.
Big John: Frankly, not seeing this fan fic is actually rewarding.
>It was over.
Mike: This fanfic is over?
All: YAY!!
>It had been over since he'd made the decision to walk away from her house last Thanksgiving.
Tom: Must have worn out his welcome.
Crow: Just like Big John here.
Big John: Well, now I know who my friends are.
>And he could never go back.
Crow (Sings): Hey mom, I wanna go home!
Mike: Don’t we all.
Big John: Personally, I’d rather not go back to Pearl’s bedchamber.
>No matter how much he wanted to.
Tom: So he wanted to go back and kiss her?
Big John: Yea, and get her in bed too!
Mike: Big John! We’ve got enough trouble with teen pregnancy in the world today. DON’T GO THERE!!
>Besides, he couldn't hurt Jen. Or Alison.
Crow: So they had the mutant power of invulnerability?
Tom: Probably so.
Big John (sings): I’m gonna harden my heart/ I’m gonna swallow my tears/ I’m gonna turn, and / Leave you here.
>And he knew that by ...
Mike: The batsignal.
Crow: Wrong comic book company, Mike.
Tom: But much better quality.
Big John: Oh no, bad writing is pandemic.
>by dredging up the monsters that were contained in Paige, he would hurt both of them.
Crow: Paige had monsters in her?
Tom: Kinda like Maggott?
Big John: No - like that movie - Alien!
Mike: Isn’t that the one where they had the alien break out of this guy’s chest?
Big John: Yep.
All: EEUGH!
>He didn't want to hurt anyone -- he'd been hurt too much, himself.
Tom: And his lack of mouth was proof of that.
Big John: And his lack of a -
Mike: Stop it.
>Maybe that was why he simply sat there.
Tom: He just sat there? How lazy!
Crow: Yea, get off your duff and do something with your life!
Big John: Slacker!
>Waiting.
Mike: Yea, just like we’re waiting for this story to make sense.
Tom: Story? What story?
Crow:I wonder if it will ever make sense?
>For God only knew what.
Tom: Well, I guess that answers that question, sorta.
>A bolt of lightning to come down and strike him dead?
Crow: It certainly might help this fanfic!
Big John: I think this fanfic is beyond hope, Crow.
Mike: Just what we need, more mindless violence.
>No, it would only hurt all three of them, and the rest of the student body besides.
Mike: So he wants to die, he doesn’t want to die, that kinda makes him indecisive, doesn’t it?
Crow: Just like the writer can’t decide where the plot is going with this.
Big John: Well, when you die in the Marvel Universe, you do get resurrected over and over again.
Mike: Well, that would make me hesitate about dying too.
>But something.
Tom: You mean something’s actually going to happen?
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you.
>An awakening.
Crow: Oh, the writer’s been writing in her sleep!
Big John: That would explain a lot.
Mike: This fanfic sure is putting me to sleep... and I just slept.
>He looked around at the people sleeping about the medlab, for whatever reasons they were stuck down >here, too.
Mike: Oh no! They’re stuck in a bad fanfic, and can’t move!
Big John: Let’s have a telethon for them.
Tom: Ah, let them all die. They’ll just get resurrected again.
>They could leave, though; whenever they wanted to, they could just get up and leave.
Big John: And be spared the rest of this fanfic? I’d go for it immediately! Where’s the descriptions of hot babes in skin tight clothing!? Where’s the love throughout all of this?
Mike: At least they had a choice in the matter. Pearl’s turned off the oxygen outside the theater again.
>He couldn't leave.
Crow: He should! Bolt for it! Use that mutant energy power of yours to blast a hole and get out of this fanfic!
Tom: Run! Flee for your lives! It’s a terrible fan fiction!
>He was stuck here. Stuck --
Crow (sings): Here I am / Stuck in the middle with you.
Tom: Stuck? How? Like with superglue?
Mike: This plot is stuck like superglue.
>-- stuck in place
Big John: Just like this plot.
Mike: Hey, we already said that.
Tom: More repetition of things, hmm? I guess she’s been watching the Teletubbies too.
>and in desperate need of some sort of motivation.
Crow: You mean wanting out of this fanfic isn’t motivation enough?
Mike: It’s that slacker thing again.
>Round and round, a catch-22:
Big John: If I was Joseph Heller, I’d sue.
Tom: Getting caught in a whirlpool of a bad fan fic!
>couldn't love Jen because he couldn't love Paige, couldn't love Paige because he'd only hurt Jen.
Tom (Sings): Torn between two lovers/feeling like a fool/
Mike: I feel like a fool for having to read this fanfic.
>But he didn't love Jen.
Big John: Well, if he didn’t love her, why doesn’t he just come out and say it!?
Crow: Apparently, it’s because the author’s name is Jen. Coincidence? You decide.
>He wasn't sure if he even liked her after what she'd done.
Crow: So what did she do?
Tom: And do we really want to know?
>Wouldn't it be okay to hurt her, just this once?
Crow: Yea, go ahead, hurt the writer!
Big John (sings): Smack my bit-
Mike (interrupts): Don’t even think that.
>No. Not even after she'd gone and linked him without his asking.
Mike: He couldn’t tell her he didn’t like linking up to her? What is he, some kind of computer?
Big John: Maybe that’s a nice way of saying he -
Mike (interrupts): Don’t say that.
Crow: He gets an impossibly beautiful woman to make love to him, and he hates her for that?
Tom: How do you know what she looks like?
Big John: It’s one of the unwritten laws of the Marvel Universe. Every woman is a total babe and every man is a hot stud. Things just wouldn’t sell if they were otherwise.
>Pain inflicted upon others was never justified.
Mike: So why are you inflicting it on us!?
Crow: Maybe she’s a sadist.
Tom: Someone ought to tell that to Pearl.
Big John: She wouldn’t like the competition.
>He knew too much pain himself.
Tom (as Bill Clinton): Ah feel your pain.
Big John: And I’d like to feel her -
Mike (Interrupts): That’s getting very old now, Big John.
Big John: What can I say? I’m a pleasurebot, programmed to be a 24 hour, nonstop raging hormone machine.
Mike: Saying nothing would be nice.
>So no -- hurting anyone was completely out of the question.
Tom: Aw, no mindless violence? Man, we might as well stop reading this fanfic now.
>Stagnant.
Mike: Just like this plotline.
Tom: I still don’t see a plot in this.
>That's what he was, stagnant. Rotting.
Tom: Oh My God, he’s a zombie!!
Crow: Maybe he just died and got resurrected?
Big John: He’s worse than that - he’s a Marvel Zombie.
>Like his corpse of flesh that surrounded the rest of him.
Crow: Oh my God, he’s dead! They killed Chamber! You b@$+@[&$!
Tom: Are they killing him just to resurrect him again?
Mike: Well, nobody stays dead for very long in the Marvel Universe... seems like we have to harp on that every time we do a MiST on Marvel stuff.
Big John: Cheer up, Pearl could be the one killing you off with unholy experiments and resurrecting you.
>He prayed for a liberation.
All: And we pray for liberation from this story!
>Maybe he was dreaming and he could wake up sometime soon.
Tom: Oh, God! Not that “It was all a dream” plotline again!
Mike: They wore that out completely long before Generation X #41.
>No -- that hadn't worked with the bloody pooka and it wouldn't work now, either.
Crow: You never know until you try.
Big John: Frankly, that whole pooka and Universal amalgamator storyline didn’t work.
Mike: Has any Marvel plotline worked of late?
(Pause.)
All bots: Well... not really.
>He only wished for freedom.
Mike (as Bill Clinton): Ah feel your pain.
Big John: Don’t we all.
Crow: Well, look on the bright side - at least you have us to keep you company.
Mike: Some comfort that is.
>So he might get out of this bloody hole he'd dug himself into.
Crow: Man, more blood! If they keep this up, they’re going to loose comics code approval.
Big John: You mean their site is going to get slapped with a “mature surfers only” label.
>Out of this bloody hole that had dug itself into him.
Mike: You mean he’s now in a hole? I thought he was in a medlab.
Crow: Well, it’s like that Axe Grinder fanfic, I think. People just magically teleported.
Tom: Maybe the medlab’s in a hole.
>The girl Alison came out of the tiny room he had put Jen in.
Big John (sings): Alison/ I know this world is killing you/ Oh Alison/ My aim is true.
Mike: Wait a minute. He put Jen in a room, and then she came out as Alison?
>wasn't contagious, but ... he'd put her there.
Tom: Contagious? Now they think she might have some disease?
Mike: Someone around here is suffering from a disease - it’s called slipshod writing.
>He thought maybe he'd put her in there so she'd be more comfortable.
Mike: Comfort? With all this angst going on, how can anybody be comfortable?
Tom: You know, I have to wonder just why JenX fell in love with Chamber.
Big John: Maybe I should go around as Chamber to her house. She’d really go for me, right?
>She seemed to like being alone.
Big John: Oh, kinda like the guy who used to run loner.com?
Crow: What was it like?
Big John: It read “Go away you have 10 seconds.” Then if you didn’t it would open up window after window after window.
>Just like him, eh?
Mike: We should keep everyone apart here... after all, too much angst spoils the plot.
Tom: Are you sure there’s a plot here? I can’t see one.
Big John: You’re not alone.
Crow: That’s because you have your optical sensors taped up!
>Alison stepped over the sleeping bodies on the floor, carrying his jacket.
Mike: Are you sure they’re sleeping, and not just dead so they can be resurrected again?
Crow: How was she able to walk around people so that she didn’t wake them up?
>"Here," she said, handing it to him.
Big John (as Chamber): Oh yea, give it to me, babe! Give it all to me!
Mike: Big John!
>What was this, Jen didn't want it?
Mike: No, just like I don’t want to read more of this fan fic.
Crow: Ah, he’s been shot down. Just like Mike.
Tom (as Jen): I finally realized what a putz he was and decided to dump him like a cold fish.
Big John: I don’t think I want to be like Mike.
Mike (annoyed): Well, I certainly don’t want to be like you.
>She'd been cold last night,
Big John: Boo! Death to all frigid women!!
Tom: Even if she looks like a cross between Cindy Crawford and Frederique?
Big John (taken aback): Well, maybe not in that case... Unless they absolutely refused to let me warm them up.
Mike: You’re hopeless, Big John.
>she hadn't hidden that factor at all,
Crow (As Jen): Oh Chamber, I’m freezing to death, give me your jacket so you can freeze to death.
>and her discomfort had been plain over the link.
Mike: Perhaps if I showed some discomfort, he’ll give me his jacket?
Crow: Well, if you can get it, you can charge an arm and a leg to JenX just to feel it.
>He hadn't needed his jacket, and she did.
Tom (as Jen): Oh Jono, it’s so wonderful that you’re giving me your jacket... I need it sooo bad.
Big John: Well, since he can’t give it to you, I will!
>It was as simple as that.
Big John: Come on! When a babe wants your jacket, she wants you too!
>Now she didn't want it anymore, like his friendliness was -- unwanted.
Mike: Just like Big John here.
Big John: Oh, sure, mister I haven’t had a date in years.
>Like he was unwanted.
Crow: Just like this fan fic.
>He probably was.
Big John: Awp, you’ve been outted!
Tom: What do you mean?
Big John: The real reason Chamber doesn’t love these babes is... he’s gay!
Crow: That would explain a lot.
Mike: Don’t make me have to remove your aural sensors.
>Unwanted.
Mike: Just like this story!
>He longed for that liberation.
All: Just like we long for liberation from this story!
>END
All: Hooray!
Mike: It’s over? You know, it doesn’t really explain a lot.
Big John: Just be glad it was short.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. We see them come back into the SOL bridge. Waiting for them is Pearl on the screen.)
Pearl: Well, how do you feel now?
Mike: Hmm... fine, actually.
Pearl: I’ll get you yet, Nelson! And your little robots too!!
(The screen goes blank.)
Crow: Well, so much for this one.
Tom: She’ll be back.
Big John: And we’ll be ready for her.