(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots standing around the place.)
Tom: I’m telling you, I got the deal of the century! It’s Paul McCarthy and the Wings, live 1983 in Wembly stadium!
Mike: I don’t know, Tom. Just where did you get this tape?
Tom: Over the internet. It’s bound to be good, as it came with a certificate of authenticity.
(Crow puts the tape into a VCR, and pushes play.)
Tom: It’s supposed to be authorized by McCarthy’s estate, too.
(They see the FBI warning on the tape.)
Tom: Here it comes...
(The tape then shows coming attractions: ads for Spanker’s Delight, Playmates of the Moon, and Silly Names, all terrible bands.)
Tom: Oh, coming attractions...
(The tape then comes to the main movie, which is .... )
Tom: SPICE WORLD!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Tape: [insert beginning of “Spice Up Your Life”]
(Mike stops the tape, and ejects it.)
Big John: Best watched with the volume off.
Crow: And eyes closed.
Tom: I can’t believe they would do this to me!
Mike: Well, it goes to show, there are people out there who will rip you off if they get the chance.
(The screen then changes to Bobo, Pearl, and an Observer.)
Pearl: Well, enjoying your copy of Spice World?
Tom: (angered) FORRESTER!!! I should have guessed!!
Observer: When we heard about your order, we replaced your Paul McCarthy tape with one of Spice World...
Bobo: I must say, it’s very good... (sings) It’s coming up/ like a flower/ It’s coming up
Tom: DDDDAAAAARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!!
Pearl: Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh...
(Big John tries to stop Tom.)
Big John: Tom, this is exactly what she wants... are you sure you want to give that to her?
Tom: (calming down) You’re ... you’re right, Big John.
Pearl: ANYWAY, I’ve got another delightfully terrible fan fic by the Commission on Superhuman Activities again. It’s a sequel to one of their previous stories “Last Date.” It’s called “Honey Moods.”
Mike: They should have left well enough alone.
Crow: As if the first one wasn’t bad enough.
Big John: I’m really getting tired of the Commission. How about someone else for a change?
(Pearl scowls.)
Pearl: Forget it!! Well, go insane soon....
(Pearl throws a switch, and the fan fiction light comes on.)
Mike: AH! We got fanfic sign!!
(Door sequence. Theater. We see Mike and the bots sitting down. Crow now wears a vintage world war II helmet and has several weapons in his possession.)
Crow: I’ve got the armaments, gang...
Mike: This is a fight best fought with insults, Crow.
>“Honey Moods”
>By the Commission on Superhuman Activities
>[email protected]
MiSTer’s Note: Still invalid e-mail, still all mistakes are as they appear in the original. But this one is special, as one of the people in it is Quamp.
Big John: Nice to see they haven’t broken this record yet.
Tom: Reading one of their fan fics is like listening to a broken record.
>Teaser image:
Big John: Oh, you’re such a tease!
Mike: Not quite.
>Angle carries Sighlock over the threshhhold off their honey mood sweet.)
Big John: Well, I hope she’s in the mood to give out her honey now...
Mike: Not quite.
>(*Page 1, panel 1. Taheetee, in the Carribean. Angle and Sighlock are arriving at the motel. They are in their weddding a tire.)
Mike: Funny, I though Tahiti was in the South Pacific... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
Big John: Ooh... an asterisk with no corresponding footnote... in other words, an asterexasper.
Crow: The name of the place is... the Bates Motel.
Tom: Wearing a tire? Is that like the Michelin man?
>Sighlock: This is so wonderful, I could get to lick a place like this.
Mike: [coldly] I want to send all the gang a postcard, and I need you to lick the stamp.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>Angle: Just relax besty it’s your time to shin.
Big John: Oh, so you’re a leg man, hm?
Mike: No no no no no.
>(Panel 2. They get the key to their bung a low.)
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: I give up. You really take all the really good ones away.
>Angle: Right now there’s some sand with our name on it.
Crow: After all, I wrote it there.
>Sighlock: I can wait hardly.
Big John: Say... is there something we *don’t know* about you, Elizabeth?
Crow: Holy crying game, Big John! We’ve been had!
Tom: It would explain some of those stories in X-Men slash Central.
Mike: Cease this line of reasoning immediately.
>(Panel 3. tHey stand in front of their bung a low.)
Tom: As opposed to their bung a high, which they couldn’t reach.
>Angle: We should get ready for some fun.
Big John: [as Psylocke/Sighlock] Oh Warren I’ve waited all my life for a moment like this. I hope things will go well today.
Crow: With the Commission writing, that’s pretty much hoping in vain.
>(Panel 4. Angle picks up Sighlock.)
Big John: [as Angel/Angle] Hey babe, doing anything tonight?
Mike: Not that kind of pick-up.
>Angle: We’ve got too weaks of sun, fun, and each other.
Crow: But we’ll be so weak we can’t enjoy any of it!
>(Panel 45. Angle carries Sighlock over the threshhhold.)
Tom: But he forgot to open the door. Bump!
Crow: Where are panels 5-44?
Big John: Are you sure you want to know?
>Sighlock: I hop so Warrent in all this trouble we’ve been having all our lived it’s nice to see that we’ve got each other to love.
Tom: You hop so? Where do you think you are, in the video for Good Thing by the Fine Young Cannibals?
Crow: [sings] Wouldn’t you want somebody to love/ Don’t you need/ Somebody to love/ You’d better find somebody to love.
>(Page 2, Pan3l 1. Angle sets down Sighlock but keeps his arms around her.)
Big John: Well, I can’t say that I blame him for that one...
>Angle: Let’s get changed into our swimwear.
Big John: Sex on the beach?
Mike: Not quite.
>Sighlock: I can wait hardly!
Tom: Woah, deja-vu.
Big John: You can tell a writer (or in this case, a set of writers) is stretching something from 10 page to 22 when they repeat themselves.
>(Panel 2. Sighlock is in a bikini
Big John: [sings] Bikini girls with machine guns...
Mike: They probably saw you coming.
>and Angle is in a pair of swimtrunks. They loook each other lover.)
Tom: We know they’re lovers, like duh!!
>Sighlock: You look good, Warning.
Mike: Kids: Don’t try this at home.
Tom: Never run with the scissors.
Crow: Look both ways before crossing the street.
Big John: And whatever you do, play it safe. Use protection.
>Angle: Let’s hit the beech.
Crow: But the beech has all those splinters in it!
Big John: Why should we hit it? It never did anything bad to us. Make love, not war I say.
>(Page 3, panel 1. The beech. Sighlock and Angle are lieing on a blank ette .)
Big John: [facetiously, as Angle/Angel] Oh Betsy/Besty, you look so bloated today...
Crow: [facetiously, as Sighlock/Psylocke] Warren/Warning, you’ve got this piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.
>Sighlock: This is the life, nobody hurting us, no mega low manics out to take the over world, and time for leov.
Big John: But we’ve got a mega high maniac to deal with ...
Tom: But our lives are so filled with leov, we don’t have time for love.
>(Panel 2. Warning purs sunscream on his hands.)
Crow: [as a cat] Meow... Purrr... purr...
Big John: Sunscream... is that like -
Mike: [interrupts] No.
>Angle: Let me rube sunscream on your back, Busty.
Big John: Well, she certainly is that...
Mike: Cut it out!
Big John: Mike, there’s enough violence against women today. I won’t want to add to it.... but it would be nice to have a pair of ‘em to feel now and then.... but they’re best kept on a woman.
Mike: No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. I mean stop it with the sexual innuendoes.
Crow: I feel like a rube for having to endure all this media they throw at us.
>Sighlock: I want it all over me.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Man, they’re really going overboard with those, aren’t they?
>(Panel 3. Warning rubs Sighlock with sunscream.)
Big John: Which causes her to yell out loud.
>Sighlock: Yes....
Mike: Just say no, people!
Big John: To drugs, definitely. To sex, no way!
>(Panel 4. The two laided be neeth their beech umbrella.)
Big John: He shoots he scores!!
Mike: Not yet!
>Sighlock: This is so nice Warning I hop that we can do this for a long tmie.
Big John: [as Angle/Angel] Well, I don’t have any problems with that, babe.
Mike: But then who would keep the world safe from people like Apocalypse?
>(PAge 4, panel 1. We see Someone lurking in the shadwos.)
Tom: Strange that there are shadows out on a beach on a bright sunny day.
Mike: Is he hiding behind a bathhouse or something?
>Angle: Do you have the feeding we’re beeing watched?
Big John: By about 2-3 people, yes.
Crow: That’s a rather liberal estimate.
Big John: What can I say? I’m a liberal kind of a guy.
Tom: But the sign says “Do not feed the X-Men!”
>Sighlock: I do not know, Warning. But I sense nothing.
Tom: [as from Monty Python] I don’t want to talk to you, you empty headed animal!
>(Panel 2. They hold hands.)
Big John: Gee... it’s their wedding day, and all they’re doing is holding hands...
Crow: Tipper Gore strikes again!
Tom: Kind of reminds me of that quote in that Australian newspaper I read: “I’m glad we got the convicts and they got the Puritans.”
>Sighlock: IT’s soo good to be with you Warning I just can’t believe my lick in getting someone like you to be with me now.
Crow: [sings] Lick it up/ Lick it up/ Ah, ah, ah/ I want to thank you
>(Panel 3. A young stewart enters with some dranks.)
Big John: [as the Steward/stewart] Well, you were so far out here I had to drink your drinks to keep going. *Hic!*
Mike: Well, what do you expect from a drugged up 1970’s-80’s singer from England?
>Sighlock: Warning, you shouldn’t have...
Tom: Just like they shouldn’t have written this in the first place.
Big John: [as Angle/Angel] Hey, nothing’s too good for the woman I love.
>Angle: Well, this is your weak end to shin.
Tom: He wants her to play football??
Big John: [sings] I love you more than shooting ducks/ I love you more than monster trucks/ I love you more than pool halls/ But not as much as football.
Crow: Who was that???
Big John: Mojo Nixon.
Crow: I’m sorry I asked.
>(Panel 4. They drink.)
Big John (sings, to the tune of “Greensleeves”) Drink/ Drink/ Drink my lad/ Drink to be jolly and drink to be glad/ Drink/ Drink/ Drink some more/ For who knows where tomorrow will find you...
Tom: Wonderful. They’re encouraging the underage to drink. Thanks guys!
>Sighlock: This is good...
Tom: Apparently, she didn’t listen when her father said don’t talk with your mouth full.
Mike: How is she able to drink and talk at the same time?
Crow: Probably the same way that people are able to kiss and talk at the same time.
>(Page 5, panel 1. They relax under the topical sun.)
Crow: Good day, I’m Jerry Springer and our topic today is horrible writing.
Tom: Well, we’ve got a prime example here...
>Angul: I’m so glad we got marred, Lizzie.
Tom: Yes.. our love is strong thanks to being mutilated together.
>Psilock: Warrant, there’s something I ‘ave to tell you...
Mike: I’ve suddenly gained a cockney accent for no apparent reason...
Crow: I forgot to bring my toothbrush.
Tom: I want an annulment.
Big John: It’s that time of the month for me.
Mike: We’ve already concluded that Marvel women don’t get PMS.
Big John: It would be fun to see what would happen if they did... especially Storm.
>(Panel 2. Psilock smiles.)
Crow: While her plans for world domination come to life.
>Psilock: Let’s go back to the room, love. Oy ‘ave something special there for you.
Big John: Methinks Psilock/Psylocke is getting the urge to merge...
Mike: Keep it on the service road, mister.
>(Panel 3. Go over to see Mr. Sinistur and his Duckriders. They arr arriving at the aisle.)
Tom: They must be big ducks if they can ride them.
Crow: (as if over a loudspeaker) Attention K-Mart shoppers, there’s a sale going on in aisle 33, check out the blue light special...
>Sinistur: Sooth, my fiends... we shall have our revenge...
Mike: He thinks having fiends around him is soothing?
Crow: Well, he is a villain...
Tom: Actually, sooth is also an old word for truth. So maybe he’s saying it’s the truth they will have revenge.
>(Panel 4. Angul and Psilock are going back to their broom.)
Tom: We’ve got to sweep up all this sand we’re going to get in the hotels...
>Angul: Well, I can wain’t!
Mike: Huh?
>(Page 6, pan4l 1. The two of them enter their rooom, and lick around.)
Big John: [as the Grumpy Old Man from Saturday Night Live] Why, in my day we didn’t have these fancy carpet cleaners. In my day you wanted your carpet cleaned, you licked it with your tongue!
All but Big John: Ugh.
>Angul: So what did you want to show me?
Mike: Don’t even think about this one in the wrong way.
Big John: Spoilsport.
Crow: I bought this really neat-o copy of this movie called Ishtar...
Tom: I’ve gotten my nose pierced!
>Psilcok: This.
Mike And she pulls out her psi dagger and says: “try anything funny and I’ll fry your mind.”
Big John: Oh, come on. It’s their wedding night. They should be allowed to have a little fun.
>(Panel 2. Go back ot Sinistur and the duckdrivers.
Mike: So they drive trucks for a living, hm?
Crow: [sings] Keep rolling, rolling, rollin’/ Though the streams are swollen/ Keep them doggies rollin’/ Rawhide/ Don’t try to understand them/ Just rope them hold them brand them/ Soon we’ll be living by and by...
Tom: [sings] Trailers for sale or rent/ Rooms to let for 50 cents/ I’m a/ Man of means by no means/ The king of the road.
Big John: [sings] And Charlie would drive/ And Charlie would drive/ For mile and miles/ For miles and miles/ And his tailights say farewell/ Just like a hayride bound for/ Hell...
Mike: [knowing he’s not going to like the answer] Who was that?
Big John: The Hoodoo Gurus. They were a mid-80’s Australian band.
>They have gathered on the beach.)
Crow: [sings] Standing on the beach with a gun in my hand/ Staring at the sea/Staring at the sand.
>Captain: Mean while...
Tom: As opposed to the nice while, which isn’t going to generate hits.
Crow: Can’t we all just get along for once??
>Sinistur: I have them in my thighs... soon, we will get revenge...
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Bummer. You’re really taking away all the really good ones.
>Fatale:
Mike: Since when was Fatale a Dark rider?
Bots: Since now.
>Nathan, your plan is brilliant.
Crow: O.k., we’ve got something that kinda sorta resembles a plotline here... want bet they screw it up?
Tom: Sure, just as long as I get to say they did screw it up...
Crow: No way.
>(Panel 3. Sinistur advances.)
Tom: Ah, you didn’t say “Mother may I?” You’ve got to go back to start now.
>Sinister: The time has come to act.
Crow: [sings] The time is now the time is right/ yea-e-yea/ All out should go tonight/ yea-e-yea.
>(Panel 4. They go off into the darkness.)
Mike: My, that was a mighty quick sunset. It was daylight just a few minutes ago...
>(Panel 5. Fol low them.)
>Spiney:
Tom: Norman?
Crow: Dimsdale!
>Things go right are passing to be jolly Eronicmis.
All: What?
MiSTer’s note: Once again [for those of you familiar with these fan fics], we have some text missing.
Crow: Look at it this way: We’re spared their dialogue for a few pages.
>(Page 9, panel 1. Go back to Psiloque and Anal. They aer lying in bed, under the sheeps. They hold each other close.)
Crow: Baaa... baaa...
Big John Oh, he shoots he scores!! GGGGOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL!!!!!!
Mike: Not quite.
>Psiloque: Mmm...
Big John: Ha! I was right.
Mike:Not quite.
>Anal: Good moaning, Betty.
Big John: Still think I’m wrong?
Mike: I give up.
Crow: Come on, it was their wedding night.
>(Panel 2. They kiss.)
Big John: Can’t say that I blame him for wanting to do that.
>(Panel 3. They part.)
Tom: [as Moses in the Ten Commandments] Open the sea! I command it to open!
>Psiloque: So what do you have today?
Big John: 11 inches, just like always, babe!
Mike: Stop with the sex, Big John. It’s getting really old now.
Crow: Where do you want to go today?
Tom: I dunno. Where do you want to go today?
>Anal: I thought we should so some shipping. The stores are oprn today.
Tom: [as Anal/Angel] I, erm... told them we’d work on the docks today if for this hotel room.
>(Panel 4. The two of them stand up.)
Big John: [Before Mike can cut in]Revealing themselves to be -
Mike: [interrupts] clad in nightwear.
Big John: Not quite.
>Psiloque: I really like to sop, don’t you it’s so wonderful here I’ll but that we’ll get good rated here.
Big John: Well, you get five stars in my book, babe!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about.
Tom: [as a sea captain] So you like to sop things up, hmm? Then swab the deck, matey!!
>Anal: I knew you would like it.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Tom: It’s obvious they didn’t do it last night, as Psiloque/Psylocke isn’t suffering morning sickness.
Big John: But that’s part of the menstrual process, and since Marvel women don’t menstruate, they don’t get morning sickness.
>(Page 10, panel 1. Psiloque wears a nice dress while Anal wears a goof shirt and slacks. He has his wings hidden beneath his shirt.)
Crow: No easy task that.
>Anal: Just a moment, Betty. I’ve got to put on my makeup.
Mike: Makeup? Mr. Newlywed wears makeup?
>Psiloque: It’s alright Warrent I know you can’t just go out like that.
Crow: [as Psylocke/Psiloque]That brown and yellow motif has got to go!
Tom: [as Psylocke/Psiloque] Sigh... men just can’t dress themselves these days.
>(Panel 2. Anal applies makeup on himself, turning his skin from blue to white.)
Big John: Goth party?
Crow: Can’t say I agree with that.
>Psiloque: Take your time Warrant.
Tom: Yes, go slow and drag the story down EVEN MORE.
Crow: In other words, hurry it up!
>(PAnel 3. Anal finishes applieing his make up.)
Tom: Now kiss and make up...
>Anal: I’m allready, Betty.
Mike: Well, what I’m already is bored and disgusted.
>(Panel 4. They go oot with an arm around each other.)
Tom: Because they were secretly lifting each other’s wallets.
>Psiloque: It’s going to be a grate day.
Mike: It already is - this fan fic is grating on my nerves.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Crow and Big John playing throw the darts at Tom’s copy of Spice World.)
Big John Your turn, Crow.
(Crow throws a dart, hitting the tape.)
SFX: Skrunch!
(Enter Mike.)
Mike: Hey guys, what are you doing?
Crow: We’re using that copy of Spice World as target practice. It’s about the only thing it’s good for.
(Big John throws a dart, hitting the copy of Spice World.)
SFX: SKRUNCH!
Mike: Would you please stop throwing those darts?
Crow: Why? Have you got something against Spice Girl bashing?
Mike: No, it’s just that if you miss...
(Crow throws a dart, missing. The dart stick into the wall.)
Mike: Oh boy, you’ve done it now.
Crow: Done what?
(Suddenly a small hole erupts where the dart was, sucking things out into the vacuum of space.)
All: AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!
(The room becomes a mess of flying papers, and other debris. The bots try desperately to find something to grab and hold onto. Mike grabs the desk, and holds on.)
Tom: I told you it was a dumb idea, Crow!!
(Mike takes a piece of plywood [which flew past him,] and covers the hole.)
Tom: I told you two it was a dumb idea putting that dart board there!
Big John: Where did you get that plywood from?
Crow: Hey! That’s from my plywood collection! I want it back!!
Mike: You’ll have it back once the repair robots fix the hole, Crow. But right now that’s the only thing keeping us from being sucked out.
(Mike faces the audience.)
Mike: We’ll be back after this...
(Commercials. When we come back, SOL bridge. The fanfic light comes on.)
Mike: AH! We got fanfic sign!!!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots enter, then sit.)
Tom: Captain, storm dead ahead!
Mike: We can’t avoid this one, guys... we’re going to have to go in...
>(Page 11, panel 1. Angele and Sighlock am shopin a marketplace. They am dressed in peasant clothing, and look around the place.)
Mike: Peasant clothing?
Crow: It’s to better fit in with their surroundings.
>Sighlock: This am so wonderful Warnt I really enjoy shipping I rarely could do it back at home it was sew ice of you to take me on this trap.
Mike: This makes little if any sense.
Crow: [as a sea captain] Ahr! Stand fast, ye land lubbers! Let’s see if ye like ta swab the deck!
Tom: And she’s really enjoying being in a trap?
Big John: [as Psylocke/Sighlock] As long as you’re with me, Warren/Warrant/Warring/whatever, I’ll be happy.
Mike: She’ya right! Like women really think that way these days.
Crow: And how would you know?
(Mike gives Crow the evil eye.)
>(Panel 2. Sighlock pull out a nic e dress.)
Crow: Nice dress cost you plenty...
>Sighlock: So what do you think warrin am this my color or what I wan tt to try it own
Crow: I don’t know... brown and purple is kind of a bold fashion statement...
Tom: Ah, you got to love it when they forget to put punctuation in...
>(Pagnel 3. Sighlock hold up dress in front of Mirror.)
Big John: And Quinton says: “What do you want me to say? It’s tacky.”
Mike: Who???
Big John: Oh, I forgot. You can’t see good writing. Well, it’s a group of fan-created X people called Group X, and they have a character in it called Mirror. His real name is Quinton.
>Sighlock: I’ll tack it.
Tom: Now let me find my tacks and hammer here...
Crow: She wants to put the dress on a wall?
>Angele: That’m good, Busty that colur reallle flatten your hair and accentsuates your featurs.
Crow: Because it also doubles as a hair iron!
>(Panel 4. Sighlock pay fur dress.)
Mike: She’s trading animal skins for a dress?
Tom: Well, many primitive areas still use the barter system...
>Angele”s thoughts: It’m so nice to see Busty like that
Big John: Because when she stands like that I can see right down her dress and -
Mike: Stop with the sex, Big John!
>She look so beautiful there I wish I could tack her into my harms forever
Mike: So he’s a wife abuser? He should be ashamed!
Big John: There’s too much violence against women these days. I say you should love ‘em, not hurt ‘em.
>but sometimes things get so confusing what am we going to do
Mike: You can start by cleaning up all the mistakes in this fan fic.
>I hop this work out for the bust after all she am beautiful I wush I could tack her off to some private place
Big John: And then I’d -
Mike: Big John, I’ve told you before, stop with the sex!!
Big John: Come on, Mike. This fan fic is begging for it.
Crow: He’s got a point, you know...
Mike: (turns) Crow! Don’t encourage him!
>and give her the live she really shold uhave we live in a man shun and our only fiends are our fellow X-Ment
Mike: Gee, this sentence sure is running on....
Crow: They live in a man shun? Say, is there something we don’t know about you, Angel/Angele?
>then again we have a doo tee to our fellow human beengs we have tu yse our powers to help others out
Crow: It’s the run-on sentence that wouldn’t end!
>with me and my wings and her sighchic powers
Big John: after all, being a telepath is in vogue these days...
>we can go fart if this world wasn’t hilding us down.
Big John: Ooh... bloating, gas pressure.
Tom: So take some Gas-X....
Crow: He must think he’s Terrance from South Park.
>(Panel 5. Sighlock see another dresst.)
Crow: Oh, they were doing so good, too...
>Sighlock: Rouge am sure to live this...
Big John: She’s going to live in one dress? I don’t think I’d like to be around her after awhile.
>(Page 12, panel 1. Sighlock and Anglele go to another stoor.)
Crow: After all, this stoor was getting worn out... whatever a stoor is...
>Sighlock: Warrant I haven’t had this much fin since I was a little gil.
Big John: Sounds like a case of too much fish.
Crow: Well, she is British, and one of the biggest British institutions is fish and chips...
>(Pain 2. They enter a shoe hop.)
Crow: [sings] At the hop!
>Angele: Don’t worry, this am your day to shin just relax Betty ie know we’ll doo goof.
Mike: You sure have... unfortunately.
Crow: Just like the Commission to take a good idea and shoot it down.
>(Panel 3. Angele am looking over some sand als.)
Crow: Someone made sand statues of some famous Als here...
>Angele: I could youse a new pair...
Big John: This one’s too easy.
Mike: Good.
>(Panel 4. Sighlock am looking over some choose.)
Tom: [Hispanic accent] Hey man, you gonna get some chooz for your feet man?
>Sighlock: I think I see one that I want.
Crow: (sings) You’re the one that I want/ Ooh-ooh-ooh/ You’re the one that I want/ Ooh-ooh-ooh/ The one I need/ Oh yes indeed...
MiSTer’s Note: Again text is missing here.
Mike: *SIGH*... These people just can’t finish something, can they?
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots there.)
Tom: Phew! What a relief this break is. I don’t think I could have taken more of that.
Mike: Well, unfortunately, something you’ll have to take is this. We’ve got commercial light.
(Commercials. When we come back, Castle Forrester. Bobo and Pearl are wielding light sabers and fighting each other.)
Bobo: There is room enough for only one mad scientist in this castle... you are weak and feeble, old woman.
Pearl: We’ll see how weak and feeble I am...
(They continue to fight some more. Eventually, Pearl disarms Bobo.)
Pearl: Now, you will have your personality restored to normal.
Bobo: Never! I have been liberated by your machine... and I’m never going back!
: (An Observer is by the switch.)
Observer: Tsk tsk... well, while we wait, let’s torture Mike some more...
(He throws the fanfic switch. SOL bridge. The fanfic light comes on.)
Mike: AH! We got fanfic sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit down.)
>(Page 156, panel 1. Psiloque and Anal are sleeping on the beech, beneath their um brella.)
Mike: Geez, more sleeping? You know, this really doesn’t help the story along, guys and gals...
Crow: I take umbrage in this.
Big John: Look at you, taking all the umbrage and leaving none for the res of us.
>Psiloque: Mmmmm...
Crow: [sings] Manamana/ Do-doo-do-do-do/ Manamana/ Do-do-do-do/ Manamana/ Do-do-do-do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do-do-do-do.
>(Panel 2. The two of them turn over. Psiloque undoes her top so that she will not have tan lines on her back.)
Big John: And just then a dog comes along and snatches her bra! Running off, he forces Psiloque/Psylocke to-
Mike: That’s enough, Big John.
>Anal: It’s goof to be here
Crow: Yea, I made a terrible mistake in letting the Commission write dialogue for me. I’m gonna kill my agent!
>with you by mu side, Busty.
Big John: Man, they’re really harping on her chest size, aren’t they? Then again, I can’t say I blame them.
Tom: Well, if you can’t be good, flaunt what you’ve got attribute-wise
Mike: Cease this line of reasoning immediately.
>(Pan el 3. Psiloque and Anal stand.)
Big John: Looks like Psylocke/Psiloque forgot to put her top back on! Yea!!
Mike: Big John! Cut it out! I’ve had enough of your sex references!
>Captain: After awhile...
>Psiloque: I’ve got something special waiting four us in the roum.
Big John: So you’re taking on three at once? Man, she must have the stamina of a goddess!
Crow: It’s from all those workouts in the Danger room.
Mike: Cease this line of reasoning at once!
>(Page 16, anel 1. The room. Psiloque wears a sexy peace of longereh and Anal is in a pair of breefs.)
Big John: [sings] Anticipation/ Anticipation/ It’s making me wait...
Mike: You’re going to be let down again, however...
>Psiloque: Hmm... definitely has promise....
Big John: Go for it, babe! [sings] Do it ‘til you’re satisfied...
Mike: [rolls his eyes] You’re only setting yourself up for a fall, Big John.
>P(anel2. Anal embraces Psiloque.
Big John: And he’s getting -
Mike: That’s it, one more word out of you and you’re scrubbing the decks.
>Anal: Let’s do it, Busty.
Crow: Go for it!
Mike: Crow! Don’t follow Big John’s example!
>(Panel 3. They go to bead.)
Tom: [as Angel/Anal] Darned ‘60’s beaded doorway... I’m always getting my wings tangled in them!
>(Panel 4. MiSTer’s Note: Still more missing text.
Crow: They really should do just one fanfic a month...
>9page eightteen, panel one. psilock and Angle are dretting gessed for the evening. 0
Crow: I’m not too sure I want to know about this one...
>psilok; this bill we a wood evening gorrant io think it is time we had some queace and piet.
Mike: This fan fic is making me queasy too.
Tom: A wood evening? Are they going to go out to Norm Abraham’s shop or something?
>angle; yes lizzie it’s going to be a nun fight.
Crow: Is that like that boxing nun puppet?
Big John: Cool! It’s been too long since I’ve seen a good catfight.
Mike: Whatever happened to your “make love, not war” stance?
Big John: Catfights are different. I can fantasize about them fighting to get me.
>9tanel pwo. angle shutt his birt.0
Tom: [New York accent] Ah, shut your stinkin’ birt!
>psilok; ip haven’t had a nood gight in years. it should fe bun1
Crow: And your fee for the bun is $2.00.
>angle; io can wardly hait1
Crow: Ward, I’m worried about the Beaver.
Big John: Well June, I for one think we should go for it!
Mike: Stop this reasoning at once.
Big John: [thinks] Yea, your right. I never could picture June Cleaver ever making it with Ward.
>9thranal pee.
Crow: [as butt-head] huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, you said “pee.”
>psilok put on jewel.0
Tom: Then suddenly Psylocke/psilok becomes a drugged-up singer/poet/guitarist!
>psilok; I want to book my lest for you, warrin.
Tom: Unfortunately, my lest was busy tonight...
>9fanel pour.
Big John: They’re pouring fanel? Is that some kind of alcoholic beverage or something?
>drey thinish fessing.
Crow: [as Angel/angle] I confess... I’ve had my eye on Storm for awhile, Betsy...
Tom: [as Psylocke/psilok] I confess... I’ve been wanting Gambit for some time too...
Big John: [as Angel/angle] I confess... I’ve been looking down your dress all this time.
>angle; all set/
>psilok; yes wet’s go, larrin.
Mike: apparently, this writer has an aversion to capital lettering.
Tom: [emotionally] I can’t take it anymore, I tell ya! I can’t take it! One more bad line and I’m gonna explode!!
>(Page 19, panel 1. Psylocke and Angel are now wearing a pleasant dress for her and shirt and slacks for him. They are now in a fancy restaurant, sitting opposite each other.)
(Mike rubs his eyes.)
Crow: Performing internal diagnostic level 4. [pauses] Diagnostic complete. My optic sensors are functioning perfectly... but I find what I just read hard to believe.
Tom: [shocked beyond belief] It can’t be. I don’t believe it. There’s a line in here that actually makes sense!
Big John: [surprised] Not only that, they got the spelling of the names right.
Mike: We must have all died and gone to heaven.
>Angel: Betsy, life has been so wonderful with you... I feel so lucky to be your husband.
Crow: This has got to be some kind of a trick. The next line is bound to be terrible.
>Psylocke: Warren, it’s only natural that two people find love with each other like this. It is truly more divine to love than to hate.
Tom: What do we do? These lines are halfway decent. We can’t riff on them!
Big John: I think we should just stand back and let it pass. After all, this is a group project.
>(Panel 2. They hold hands while they wait for dinner.)
Crow: [sings] Hold my hand...
>Angel: You know, ever since we first met, I knew you were something special. I knew that I should go after you alone. I just wish I wasn’t in a relationship at the time.
Big John: We’ve got to stand back and let this happen...
>Psylocke: Well, we’ve got the rest of our lives for love, Warren. Personally, I wouldn’t want any man but you by my side. Sure, you had several other women after you,
Tom: [as Angel] Actually, they were more after my bank accounts.
>But I could read your mind and tell you that we’re two of a kind.
Crow: Ah, I’ve got a full house, that beats your two of a kind.
>(Panel 3. The waitress (who is Fatale in disguise) serves dinner to Angel and Psylocke.)
Tom: Morris! Time for din-din!
>Angel: Thank you.
>(Panel 4. They continue to talk between bites of dinner.)
Crow: Looks like the fish are bitin’ today.
>Angel: Well, what should we do tomorrow?
>Psylocke: I saw a tour of some local sights I wanted to take in.
Crow: [sings] Taken in/ Taken in again...
>(Page 20, panel 1. They hold hands as they have finished dinner.)
>Caption (Narrator): Later...
Mike: Well, it does take time to eat...
>Angel: I want to take you on a quiet walk on the beach, Elisabeth.
Tom: Better not - these places aren’t safe at night.
Big John: [sings] It’s an agreeable town/ As neat as it gets/ Why even the markers/ Are off the streets/ By eight.
>Psylocke: Warren, I sense trouble.
Big John: [as Psylocke] We’re running low on condoms! Better go stock up on more!
Mike: Big John!
>(Panel 2. Angel leaves some money on the table as they stand.)
Crow: Stiffing the waitress? Tut, tut!
>Angel: Then we best leave now.
>(Panel 3. They go for the door.)
Crow: Hey! You stiffed me! Ged back here!
>Psylocke: I sense several people nearby - we’ve met them before, but something is clouding my psi sense so that I can’t see who they are. I can say that they’re bad.
Big John: [as Angel] Damn! There goes my chance to get laid again tonight!
Mike: Big John, stop it with the sex!
>Voice (from off panel): You are going nowhere, Warren Kenneth Worthington III.
Crow: Until you give me the customary 15% tip!
>(Page 21, panel 1. Mr. Sinistir enters.)
Tom: Ha! I knew it was a trick! But the lull gave me time to recover!
>Sinistir: You will diet!
Big John: [as Sinister] Because, I’m with Quantum leap and we have a whole new line of diet products!
Crow: Funny, they don’t look overweight...
Tom: You know, now that the American Dietary Association has restricted the weight at which one becomes obese, a lot of people you wouldn’t think are overweight are considered overweight. Many sports stars, especially weightlifters are considered overweight.
>Angeel: Nevur! I won’t give to you!
Big John: Because we all know those Quantum Leap products are a bunch of bull anyway! Not only that, there’s about 5 other sites on the internet that sell the same thing you do at a much cheaper rate!
Crow: [as Darth Vader] Come with me to the dark side, Warren.
>(Panel 2. Angeel and Sieloke surround Mr. Sinistir.)
Mike: What happened to the rest of the Darkriders?
Tom: They found a way out of this fan fic and took it.
>Angeel: Surrrender!
Crow: Oh, right, like he’s going to surrender just because you told him to.
>(Panel 3. Sinister raises his hands.)
Tom: [as Sieloke/Psylocke] Whew! When was the last time you used deodorant, Sinister!?
>Sinistir: I give up.
Tom: What!? A villain like Sinister just suddenly gives up??
Big John: Man, what a waste of a cool villain!
>(Panel 4. They lead Sinistir to jael.)
Crow: I should have seen this one coming...
>Sielock: Well now we’ve got you in our thighs and we’re going to do you good!
Big John: Menage-a-trois?
Mike: No!!
>(Page 22, pa n l 1 . We shee Sielock and Angeel lieing on the beck, under the shad of a umbrellllla.)
Big John: Man, a three-way with Beck. I knew it! Rock stars always get the babes.
Mike: I give up. You’re hopeless.
Tom: And that shad is starting to stink up to high heaven, being out in the sun too long.
>Sielock: Well this was fun I hop to do it again sometim siin.
Crow: Sometime sin? Let’s not touch this one.
>(Pan el 2. Angeel smiles at Sielock.)
Big John: While his plans for her future come to life. First, they’re going someplace private, and -
Mike: [interrupts] Kiss.
Big John: Look Oliver Cromwell, it’s bad enough I’m shanghaied here with two cobbled-together robots and having to endure terrible movies, spams, fan fiction and the like, but at least allow me the liberty of one good riff.
>Angeel: Ot’s time, Besty.
Crow: I have a ham in the oven and it should be done by now!
>Sielock: Well, then we should goat.
Crow: Baa.. baaa.. this fan fic is baaad.
>(Panel 3. The two sand up.)
Big John: Sex on the beach! He shoots he scores!!!
Mike: Stop with the sex, Big John.
>Angeel: Let’s go back to the roooom.
Crow: *Sigh*... I guess these people are using a very old word processing program, before the spell checker was invented... Well, except for that one guy....
>(Panel 4. they go off with an arm around eac h other.)
>Sielock: I can wait hardly!
Big John: So from now on we’re going to see Angel/Psylocke erotica only in X-Men slash central?
Mike: Stop with the sex, Big John!
>The End>
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots there, looking around the place.)
Mike: Well, this is usually where Pearl comes in and tries to convince us we’re insane...
(Mike pushes some buttons.)
Mike: Satellite of Love to Castle Forrester... anyone there?
(The screen comes to life, and shows Bobo there.)
Bobo: What do you want?
Mike: Where’s Pearl?
Bobo: They’re having a fire sale down at Mad Mike’s discount used scientific supplies, and she took all the observers there.
(Mike and the bots look at each other.)
Mike: Well, the fan fiction has ended.
Bobo: Oh, did you like it?
Mike: Not really, but then again, it wasn’t bad enough to drive me insane.
(Castle Forrester. Bobo looks worried.)
Bobo: Oh dear... Pearl will be so upset by this...
Voice (From off panel): I‘m not going to like what?
(Enter Pearl and some Observers, holding scientific equipment in their hands.)
Bobo: (flinching)Well, Mike says the fan fiction you sent him ended, and he’s not insane...
(Pearl sets down what she’s carrying.)
Pearl: WHAT!? That fan fic is utterly horrible! It’s some of the worst spelling and grammar ever created! The storyline was lame! What are you doing to keep sane, Nelson!?
(SOL bridge.)
Mike: Give it up, Pearl. There’s nothing on the planet bad enough to break us.
Pearl: Grr! Curse you! I’ll be back - and next time, I’ll have something so bad you won’t last 5 minutes!!