Original by the Commission on Superhuman Activities
MiST by Quamp
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots standing over Big John, who lies on a table. Big John is deactivated and opened.)
Mike: Alterian ratchet.
(Crow hands Mike something.)
Crow: Alterian ratchet.
(Mike works on Big John some more.)
Mike: Quantum particle nuronator.
(Crow hands Mike something.)
Crow: Quantum particle nuronator.
(Mike works on Big John some more.)
Mike: That should do it. Now, let�s see what happens when we turn him on.
(Mike turns on Big John.)
Big John (Sits up): Good evening ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Jerry Springer show. I�m Jerry Springer and tonight�s guests are men who love women who love men who love women who love men who love to skydive in countries hostile to the U.S.A.
Mike: Dang.
Big John: Just kidding. I�m functioning within normal parameters, Mike. That control chip seems to be working fine.
(Crow holds up a picture of Pamela Anderson Lee in a bikini.)
Crow: Let�s put that to the test, shall we?
Mike: Hey, where did you get that from?
Crow: Your locker.
Big John: Well, she is a very beautiful young woman, I admit... but it�s not like I�m going gaga over her.
(The screen comes to life with Bobo and the Observer there.)
Observer: Well, Mr. Nelson, how are we today?
Mike: Better.
Observer: Still chasing that fantasy of yours to get off that God-forsaken satellite?
Mike: Maybe...
Observer: Well, this week we�ve really dragged up the worst fan fiction from the foulest pits of hell for you.
Tom: You say that every week, and every week, we�ve proven stronger than anything you can throw at us.
Observer: Ah, but everyone has a breaking point, Servo... Now, Let�s get to this week�s fan fiction. It�s a story called �Dream Weaver� and it features Rogue and Gambit.
Mike: That doesn�t sound so bad.
Observer: It�s by The Commission on Superhuman Activities.
Crow: Now that sounds bad.
Observer: We�re sending it over now... have a nice day. Or should I say, go insane soon.
(The Fan fic light comes on.)
Tom: We�ve got fan fiction again!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots are sitting in the theater.)
Big John: Let�s get on with this mess.
>Note: There sure are a lot of fan fictions out there about Rogue gaining control of her powers.
Mike: You should leave well enough alone.
>Well, here�s some longtime Marvelite�s views of the matter....
Big John: You claim to have been reading Marvel comics for a long time, and you turned out that horrific Axe Grinder fan fic we saw a few weeks ago?
Mike: Think about it, Big John. They�ve been reading Marvel comics for a long time.
Big John: Well, they weren�t always bad.
>Rogue & Gambit
>�Dream Weaver�
>By The Commission on Superhuman Activities.
>[email protected]
MiSTer�s Note: A recent mailing to this address came back with a daemon. I think this e-mail is invalid. Also, all grammatical and spelling errors are exactly as they appear in the original.
>Legal disclaimer: The X-Men are copyright Marvel comics. The Dream Weaver is copyright the Commission >on Superhuman activities. This fan fic is not for profit. �Sue a beggar, get a louse.�
Mike: �Read a fan fic by the Commission on Superhuman Activities, get brain dead.�
>(Teaser image. We see Rogue kissing Gambit.)
>Cap (N): Wishes come true!
Mike: I wish I was off this satellite and in the arms of my girlfriend back on Earth...
(Pause.)
Tom: Looks like that proved that last statement wrong.
>Cast of characterS: (in Order of appEaranCe) Storm, Wolverine, Saturn (A Crimelord with one wish - get the >Dream Weaver and use it to take over the world!) Mahatma Efersi (Hindu holy man who guards the Dream >weaver, he has been kidnaped and is being held hostage until the Dream Weaver can be found!), Marrow, >Professor X, Gambit, Rogue. Archangel, Psylocke.)
Mike: Uh, if this is supposed to be a Rogue and Gambit Story, why are they listed near the last in the cast?
Crow: It�s like that Axe Grinder fan fic. Deadpool didn�t appear in it until the middle of the story, remember?
>(Page 1, panel 1. X-Men headquarters, Westchester, New York. In the War room we see Wolverine wearing >his uniform, and smoking one of his smelly cigars.
Mike (Holding up an end parenthesis) Here, you dropped this.
Tom: Oh, not again!
Big John: What?
Tom: That was before you came on board. We had this terrible fan fic where the writer�s apostrophe key wasn�t working, and every time there was one missing Mike would hold up and apostrophe.
Mike: The American schools should do a better job of educating their students.
>Caption: He is only known as Logan.
Mike: No, no It�s �I�m Batman!�
Big John: Wrong comic book company, Mike.
>He has lead a long, hard existance.
Crow: And he wants to end it all so he�s smoking himself to death!
>From his days at Weapon X to his affair with Mariko to his days owning hte Princess bar to his marriage to the Wiper to now -
Big John: Man, someone forgot to proofread this AGAIN.
Tom: One of the things that makes a fanfic really bad is bad spelling, bad grammar, bad capitalization, and bad writing.
Mike: And so far, they�re four for four.
Crow: Another thing that hacks me off is disregarding continuity.
Mike: Marvel has continuity?
Big John: Well, they USED to.
>(Panel 2. Enter Storm.)
Crow [Sings] Here I come to save the day!
Mike: Given that Pearl sent this to us, I�d say it�s too late to save it.
>Storm: Logan, must you smoke those horrific cigars here?
(Big John simulates blowing smoke into Crow�s face.)
>Wolverine: I like it.
Crow: Well... nah. That one�s too easy.
Mike You can bet that when the Commission writes, we�re going to have a field day.
>(PANel 3 . Storm make a smal raincloud over Wolverine�s head.)
Mike: And writers make more mistakes.
>Storm: We agreed to keep the War room smoke free.
Mike: After all , second hand smoke is fatal.
Big John: Not as fatal as having to read these fan fics.
>(Panel 4. Storm makes it rein over Wolverine.)
Big John: [As Queen Victoria] We are not amused.
>Wolverine: HAY!!
Mike: Hay is for horses, people! Hey is what he should be saying!
Tom: Make me wonder if anyone in this Commission graduated school.
>(Panel 5. Wolverine stands, bearing his claws at Storm.)
>Wolverine: What did you do that for!?
Tom: She just said that she didn�t want your smoking. Geez, pay attention!
Big John: A clear sign that they�re stretching 10 pages of material out to 22.
>Storm: Smoking is bad for you, Logan. You should not do it.
Mike: I�m glad I live in the 30th century where all smoking is relegated to small places and in back alleys.
Big John: Pearl loved to smoke after sex.
Crow: So do you smoke after sex?
Big John: I don�t know, I never looked.
>Wolverine: I like it that way.
Tom: You like coughing your lungs out, smelling like the top of a smokestack, and getting lung cancer?
Crow: Must be a masochist.
>Storm: I do not want those things soiling the air around me.
Crow: [as Butt-head] Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh. you said soil.
Mike: Well, I wouldn�t want cigar smoke around me either.
Big John: And I don�t want this fan fic around me.
>(Page 2, panel 1. We see the crimelord Saturn sitting on a chair made of gold. He wears a military outfit of a >third world country)
>Saturn: Bring Efersi here again.
Big John: [Sings] He�s just a-sellin�/ One great big lie/ Bring me the head of David Geffen!
Crow: And bring me the head of Alfredo Garcia!
Mike: Bring me an antacid.
>(Panel 2. Enter a solider with the Mahatma Efersi. Efersi Is chained up.)
Mike: Ah feel your pain.
>Satturn: Well, have you decided to show me where the Dream Weaver is yet?
Mike: My money is on no. There wouldn�t be much of a plot if he did.
Crow: These things are getting way too predictable.
>Efersi: The Dream Weaver is not meant for men like you.
Tom: Yea! We discriminate against homos, you know.
Mike: TOM! I don�t want any gay bashing!
Crow: Can�t we all just get along?
>(Panel 3. Saturn strikes Efersi hard in the face.)
>Sound Effect: SMACK!!!
Mike: Just what is so important about this Dream Weaver thing anyway?
Crow: Maybe it�s the only thing that will let them escape this fan fic.
>(Panel 4. Saturn sits in his chair again.)
>Saturn: Take him back to his ceel.
Mike: Ceel?
Tom: Maybe they put him in a giant zip-loc bag!
Big John: Keeps him fresh while the plot goes stale.
>(Page 3, panel 1. X-Men War room. We see Marrow there, weith Professor X. Marrow wears a green silk dress Professor X is wearing a suit and tie.)
Mike: (holds up a semicolon) Here, you dropped this.
Crow: I think we get the point now, Mike.
>Marrow: I really hate this.
All: You�re not alone in that!
Big John: Makes you wonder if they�re doing this just to make us suffer more.
>(Panel 2. Professor X faces Marrow.)
>Professor X: Just give it a try, Sarah.
Big John: [As Professor X] I may be paralyzed from the waist down, but that doesn�t stop me from other things...
Mike: Oh dear... that circuit I implanted in you is failing...
Crow: Well, if he hadn�t said it, I would have.
>(Panel 3. Enter Wolverine.)
>Wolverine: Well, aint you ookin� sweet, Marrow?
Tom: How does one ook?
Mike: Well, you got to give them an A for consistency.
Big John: Yea, consistent mistakes, consistent terrible dialogue, and consistent bad plot twists.
>(Panel 4. Xavier turns to Wolverine.)
>Professor X: Please, Logan. I am trying to socalize Sarah here.
Tom: I got yer socialization right here!
Mike: So you socialize her by making her wear a silk dress, hm?
Crow: That�s it! We�ll abolish all war on earth by making everyone wear silk dresses!
>She�s not that different than you.
Tom: [As Professor X] You�re off being a tough, gritty character in your own series now, so we had to make another one up!
Mike: Say, didn�t the observer say this was supposed to be a Rogue and Gambit story?
Crow: They�re wisely trying to stay out of this as much as they can.
>&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*
Crow: It�s a bunch of drunken soldiers armed to the teeth! Run for your lives!
>(Page 4, panel 1. New York City. Flying over the city is Rogue, wearing a nice dress and a miniskirt.)
Crow: Hey, fly over me with that miniskirt sometime, Rogue.
Mike: Crow!
Big John: Be careful, or he�s going to turn you into a zombie just like me.
>Captioon New York City Flying to her destination is the young mutant known as Rogue.
Mike [holding up a colon and a period] Here, you dropped these.
Crow: What�s a captioon?
Tom: I really hate run-on sentences don�t you guys why don�t they use a period and start a new sentence?
Big John: You three have been on this satellite for far too long.
>(Panel 2. She lands on the rooftop of some brownstone.)
>Voice (from off panel): Nice day for flying, eh chere?
Mike: Oh no, the dreaded mysterious voice from off panel!
>(Panel 3. Rogue turns to see Gambit there.)))
Mike: So that�s what happened to that lost close parenthesis!
Big John: Maybe they�re in love, and they�ve got their kid with them.
>Rogue: Oh - Remy, you startled me.
Crow: [As Rogue - Monotone] Oh - Remy, Ah can�t stop talking in monotone.
>Gambit: Chere, you be looking good today.
Mike: [as Rogue] Flatterer.
Big John: [as Rogue] But Ah know the real reason why you compliment me so much is you want mah -
Mike: Don�t start that again, Big John.
>Panel 4. Gambit takes Rogue�s hand.)
Tom: And then realizes she forgot her gloves, and then goes down!
Crow: You can bet this story is going to go down.
Mike: It�s already at rock bottom.
Big John: But that doesn�t stop them from sinking to new depths.
>Caption: It hurts to feel what she feels.
Crow: Maybe Gambit had too much Cayenne pepper in his last meal, and he got it all over his hands.
>Rogue: Remy, stop it. You know I can�t touch you.
Big John: Hey, you can touch me anytime!
>?(Page 5, panel 1. Rogue pulls away from Gambit.)
Mike: ?
Tom: .
Big John: *SIGH*...
>Gambit: Cherey, what love is more about kissing. I can be happy in your arms bu still not touch you.
Mike: HUH???
Tom: Those last two sentences contradict each other.
Big John: Bu? Isn�t that Spanish for Boo?
Crow: Well, everyone should boo this fan fic.
>(Panel 2. Rogue looks at Gambit.)
Mike: And she thinks, �Man, Cajun, you need a shave.�
Crow: The look was of lust, but the body said �Stay back.�
>Rogue: Remy, I cannot do this. You know what will happen if I touch someone.
Tom: What I�d like to know is what happened to Rogue�s Southern drawl?
Crow: Maybe the real Rogue didn�t want to be in this, and they�re using cheap stand-ins.
Mike: Maybe they couldn�t afford the real thing, so they got cheap fakes.
>(Panel 3. Gambit looks Rogue over.)
Big John: And says: �Ooh-we! We got us a belle dame, n� cest pas?�
Mike: You are beyond hope, Big John.
>Gambit: It may be dangerous, but it�s fun, non?
All: Masochist!
>(Panel 4. Rogue takes off.)
Mike: Fly away! Flee! Get out of this bad an fic while you can!
>Caption: She�s broken numerrus harts. Rogue knows that she ccnnot be tuched.
Mike: She�s broken hearts, but these guys butcher the English language.
>(Page 5, panel 1. X-Mansion, Westchester. We see Rogue arriving at the front door, only to find Gambit standing there.)
All: HUH??? How was Gambit able to get back to the mansion before Rogue?
>Rogue: Remy? How did you get back here before me?
Mike: We just said that!
Tom: I still miss the Rogue with a Southern drawl.
>Gambit (winkz): We have our ways, chere.
Crow: Come on, that�s a plot hole so big you can dive a semi through it! And that explanation was completely lame!
Mike: This whole fan fic is turning out lame.
>(Panel 2. The two of them go inside together.)
>Rogue: You nevar give up, do you?
Mike: He must have taken love lessons from Big John here.
Big John: I�m not bad, I�m just programmed that way.
>Gambit: Not when it comes to you, chair.
Tom: Chair? Now he�s calling her a piece of furniture?
Big John: That�s because he wants her to sit in his lap - preferably naked.
Crow: But that could end up killing him!
Big John: Hey, if you got to go, why not go out with some fun?
>(Panel 3. The two of them enter the war room.)
Tom: And they find Storm on the floor gutted by Wolverine!
>Rogue: What happened here?
Mike: Are you sure you want to know that, Rogue?
Crow: [as Gambit] Run for your life, chere! It�s a bunch of Amway sales people!
>(Panel 4. They look to see a soaking wet Wolverine, and Storm with slash marks on her unifrom.)
Big John: [as Storm] You just missed one fantastic party, Rogue!
>Storm: It is ... unimportant.
Mike: Kinda like when I caught my nephew with his hand in the cookie jar, and I said : �What are you doing?� to which he responded: �Nothing.�
>(Page 6, panel 1. Xavier enters.)
Tom: And says �Oh my God! You trashed the war room again!�
Mike: These writers trash the genre of fan fiction.
>Professor X: Rogue, Gambit, I have a specal assigment for you.
Tom: Figure out how I can get out of this fan fic!
Mike: Too late for that.
>(Panel 2 Fokus on X�s face.)
All: Focus! Focus! Use the spell checker for pete�s sake!
>Professor X: I want you to go to India,
Big John: Because minoxadil is cheaper there.
Crow: Because one of the many children I secretly fathered is there, and -
Mike: Crow!
Crow: Well, someone has to take up the slack.
>and find a man named Mahatma Efersi. He runs a monistary that shelters mutants. However, I have lost >contact from him about 6 weeks ago.
Tom: And he makes the best darned lemon curry in the world!
>Gambit: We�ll find him, Professor.
>Professor X: I knew I could count on you.
Mike: And now that the two of you are here, I can use your fingers and toes to count to 50!
>(Panel 3. Rambit and Gogue goe off.)
Mike: Ah, spoonerisms. It�s been awhile since I saw a spoonerism.
Tom: What�s that?
Big John It�s where you bitch your fonsanants swack and corth.
Mike: Big John!! We do not use that language around here! I�m going to have to check over that circuit I implanted in you.
>Professor X: Goood lick.
Crow: As opposed to GOOD LUCK, which is something you need.
>(Panel 4. We see Rogue and Gambit flying a ship over the Pacifistic Ocean.
Big John: Hey, make love, not war.
Crow: Um... where is the Pacifistic Ocean? Is that like on Neptune or something?
>Gambit: This is the life, non? We got a simple assignment, and then you and I can spend some time together.
Mike: Man, Gambit here must have gone to the Big John school of romance.
Big John: I take umbrage in that!
Crow: Look at you, taking all the umbrage and leaving none for us!*
*Mister�s note: Apologies to the Animaniacs.
>Rouge: Do you ever get tired of hearing yourself?
Mike: I should ask that of the authors!
Tom: Who�s Rouge? Man, these guys must have gotten top honors at the Dan Quayle school of spelling.
Crow: And to top it all off, that line was ripped-off from the animated series!
>(Ppage 7, anel 1. Gambit gets closer to Rogue.)
Big John: And Rogue (or is it Rouge?) Says: �Man, your breath stinks! Git some mouthwash, Remy!�
Mike: [sings] Brush your breath/Brush your breath/ Brush your breath with Dentyne!
>Gambit: Not when the subject is you, Rogue.
Big John: [As Gambit] Because, after all, I�m representing all the horny males out there who want to take you to -
Mike: That�s it. Now I know that chip isn�t working.
>(Panel 2. Rogue moves away from Gambit.)
Big John: Ah ha! My bad breath theory was right!
>Roguy: Sheesh! Get a clue!
Mike: Another line the writers could well heed.
>(Panel 3. Suddenly the plane goes out.)
Mike: Huh? You mean the plane was inside a confined space all this time?
Crow: Maybe it was attached to the side of the Death Star like the Millenium Falcon was.
>Rogue: The engine�s cut! We�re going to crash!
Crow: [As Rogue] And to make things worse, Ah�m having a bad hair day!
Mike: One thing I�ve always wondered about is how superheroines can go through heck and end up with perfect makeup and perfect hair.
Tom: Maybe it�s another compensation for having to die and get resurrected over and over.
>Gambit: Pull it up!
Mike: That�s too easy, right?
Big John: Mmmm.... yea.
>(Panel 4. The plane crashes into an island, hitting a coconut palm tree.)
>Sound affect: CRASCH!!!
Tom: And everyone dies and the story ends! Yay!
Mike: I wouldn�t get my hopes up if I were you.
Big John: Didn�t the Jam have an LP titled Sound Affects?
>(Page 8, panel 1. We see Rogue and Gambit emerge from the plane)
Crow: [as Tattoo from Fantasy Island] De Plane! De Plane!
Mike: [as Professor X] Rogue, that�s the fifth plane you�ve ruined this month! That�s it, from now on, we�re letting only Colossus pilot the planes!
>Gambut: That be tres nasty.
All: We could say the same about this fanfic!
Crow: [As Butt-head again] Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh,. you said �Gambut.�
>Rogue: You alright, Remy?
Big John: It�s nothing a kiss couldn�t fix.
>Gambit: When I�m around you, everything is alright.
Mike: Hands up those of you who saw that one coming.
(All but Tom raise their hands.)
Mike: Tom, you�re not raising your hands.
Tom: My hands don�t work!
>(Panel 2. They look the plane over.)
>Gambit: Looks like the plane�s a loss, chere.
Mike: [as Gambit] So we�re going to have to live on this island forever!
Tom: Mike, Rogue can fly.
Mike: Man, I thought it would be a cool line too.
>(Panel 3. Gambit faces Rogue.)
Big John: [as Gambit] Looks like I gotta ride Rogue express.
Mike: No sex!
Crow: [sings] No marriage until sex!
>Gambit: Looks like you gotta fly us out of here.
Mike: And while you�re at it, fly us out of this fan fic, won�t you?
>Rogue: Remy!
Crow: [As Rogue] You are a married man! Mah name is Rogue, not Monica Lewinsky!
Tom: Seen Monica of late?
Mike: Yea, she definitely hasn�t missed a meal since this Clinton mess.
>You can�t ride on mah back!
Big John: [as Rogue] Ah have higher standards then some thief who thinks he can charm his way into mah heart!
Mike: If only the editor had higher standards....
>(Panel 4. Gambit puts a hand on Rogue�s shoulder.)
Tom: And in self defense, Rogue files a sexual harassment lawsuit against Gambit!
Crow: And to make herself feel better, she takes Gambit�s hand, and breaks it!
Mike: Sheesh! First sex, now violence.
>Gambit: Share, J�promie I do nothing you don�t want.
Big John: Yea, babe, share what you got with us!
Mike: Yea, I see that chocolate bar you�ve got in your pocket.
Tom: Man, the Commission must have flunked basic French.
>(Page 9, panel 1. Gambit puts his hands on Rogue�s shoulders.)
Crow: [sings] Put your head on my shoulder...
Mike: Put that antacid in my mouth.
>Rogeu: Well, I see that we have no alternative.
Mike: Of course you have an alternative! Leave him there and come back for him later! Geez, do I have to do all the thinking around here!?
Tom: Apparently so... after all, this is the second time they�ve botched Rogue�s name.
>(Panel 2. Rogue takes off, with Gambit holding onto her.)
Big John: Alright! Ride her Cajun!
Mike: Big John! Stop it!!
>Rogue: I�m going to regret this...
Mike: You know, I thought the same thing when I first stepped into this theater.
>(Panel 3. Go back to Saturn and Efersi.We see them facing each other again.)
Big John: Oh boy! More of these two!
>Saturn:I want the Dream Weaver.
Crow: [sings] I want you to want me.../ I need you to need me...
Mike: I want to stop reading bad fan fics.
>Efersi: You could not handle its power wisely.
Tom: [As Angelica of the Rugrats] It�s mine and you can�t have it. So there. Nyah!
>(Panel 4. Saturn strikes Efersi.)
>Sound effect: SMACK!!!
Tom: Woah, deja vu.
Mike: Remember what happened last time we read a story by this bunch.
Tom: Is there any place safe from the Teletubbies?
Big John: I think it�s too much trance music.
>(Page 10, panel 1. Saturn turns away with disghust.)
Mike: He�s not the only one disgusted. Where is all the excitement!?
Tom: Don�t forget who�s writing this.
>Saturn: Put him back.
Big John: [Sings] Take me back to the day/ Take me back to the time/ When life was great/ And everything was fine.
Crow: That�s near impossible around here.
>(Panel 2. Efersi is lead back to the prison celll.)
Mike: And we�re lead down the road of bad fan fiction.
>(Panel 3. Satrusn scowls.)
>Saturn: By hook or by crook, I will have the dReam Weaver.
Tom: And by hook or by crook, we�re going to sink to new depths of bad fan fiction.
>(Panel 4. Saturn turns back to his chair.)
>Saturn: There has got to be a breaking point somewhere.
Mike: You know, Pearl says that a lot, but she�s never found mine...
Tom: Well, I�m sure striking him once after every time you ask him about that will make him talk.
Big John: Of course, you�d have to do it about 35 million times....
>(Page 11, panel 1. Go back to Rogue and Gambi. We see them flying over Vietnam with Gambit on Rogue�s back. He holds onto her shoulders.)
Big John: Ah, they want to become part of the mile high club, hmm?
Mike: Big John!
>Gambit: Cherr, Slow Down!
Tom: Yes, let's drag down the story even further!
>(Panel 2. They continue to fly over the rain forests of Vietnam.
Mike: Take a good look at those rain forests... by my time, they�re all gone....
>Rogue: I want you off my back as soon as possible.
Mike: If you don�t like the way I fly, you can do it yourself!
Crow: Gambit can�t fly!
Mike: Sorry. It�s hard to tell that with all the continuity mess-ups they�ve been having.
>Gambit: At least let me get a firm grip.
Big John: On your - nah, that�s too easy.
Mike: Good!
>(Panel 3. They land at a village in Cambodia.)
Mike: I thought they were in Vietnam.
Tom: Must be a border town.
>(Panel 4. Rogue and Gambit look around.)
Crow: [As Rogue] Wellp, there ain't no shoppin� malls here, we�d best keep goin�.
>Rogue: U need to get my bearings.
Mike: Why, are you having trouble rolling something?
Tom : [sings] Rolling/ Rolling/ Rolling on the river.
Crow: [As Gambit] Get them yourself, chere.
>(Page 13, apnel 1. They approach a tribal elder.)
Crow: [as the Elder] No, we don�t want any Amway! Get out of here!
Big John: [as the Elder] I came to this village to get away from you Quantum Leap people! Go away!!
>Gambit: Let me do the talking.
Crow: [as Gambit] After all, the ladies non resist my Cajun charms.
Tom: Except Rogue.
>(Panel 2. Gambit approaches the man.)
Crow: And the man sees Gambit�s bad breath and moves away!
>Gambit: I�m looking for the Mahatma Eversi. Do you know where he is?
Mike: Gambit , this is Cambodia!! Very few people speak English over there!!
Big John: My money�s on them finding someone who can actually speak English.
>(Panel 3. The elder smiles.)
>Elder: Yes, he has been captured by the warlord Saturn. Saturn�s stronghold is in Bangladesh.
Big John: Ha! Told you so!
Mike: In a country the size of Cambodia, they land in some spot-in-the-road border town, and manage to find someone who spoke English and who knew where this guy was being held?
Tom: Well, like the mainstream Marvel Comics, they expect you to swallow anything.
>(Panel 4. Vogue and Grabbit fly off with her on his back.)
Mike: Didn�t you just say that Gambit couldn�t fly?
Crow: Oh, well, this is Vogue and Grabbit. Apparently, Vogue can�t fly, while Grambit can.
>(Page 14, panel 1. We see Rogue and Gambit land at the Citadel of Saturn.)
Mike: Amazing how they managed to find it with such little directing.
>Caption: Several hours alter. Rogue and Gmabti have fouind the lair of Saturn.)
Crow: And they somehow managed to do it with all these spelling and grammatical mistakes!
Mike: Man, that search must have taken them years! I mean, Bangladesh is mostly swamp, where the Ganges river delta is.
>(Panel 2. Rogue spies an prison cell window, with bars on it.
Mike:[Holds up an end parenthesis] Guys, stop dropping these things!
>Rogue: This is the place.
Big John [sings]: Home/ That�s where I want to be/ But I guess I�m already there/ I come home/ And look about the place/ I guess that this must be the place.
Crow: [sings] I can�t tell one from another.
Mike: But I sure can tell this one is bad.
>(Panel 3. Rogue tears the bars off the window, freeing Efersi.))
Mike: Once again they amaze me. How did she know that pulling on that window would free Efersi?
Crow: Probably the same way all that other unfathomable stuff happens.
>(Panel 4. Enter Efersi.)
>Efersi: You... you have freeed me.
Tom: Yes, you�re free! Run away from this bad fan fic now!
>Rogue:The professor sent uhs.
Mike: These guys butcher the English language worse than that Crimelord in Johnny Dangerously.
Crow: About the only redeeming value I see for this fan fiction is that it keeps the authors off the street.
>(Page 15, panel 1. Efersi approaches Rogue and Gambit.)
>Efersi: The job is only half done here.
Big John: We need to stop the writers of this fan fic piece!
Mike: Good evening, Mr. Phelps. Your assignment, should you choose to accept it, is to bring down the Commission on Superhuman activities.
Crow: We should send someone who knows how to get people like these!
Tom: Elliot Ness?
Crow: He�s dead. I�m talking about Mr. Chapel, from Vengeance Unlimited!
>You must go and stop Saturn.
Crow: [as Rogue] Ah�ve got to stop a planet? how?
Tom: [as Rogue] Ah�ve got to stop a sensible econobox? How?
Big John: Ah�ve got to stop this nonsense before it gets out of hand.
>Gambit: We;ll do that, mon amy.
Mike: [French accent] You have insulted my country! God gave himself Ze French language to us!
Big John: Actually, French is no different than any other Romance based language.
(Panel 2. The three of them rush inside the place.)
Tom: Well, let�s hope they do some head bashing. I�m sick of all this drivel! I want action!
Mike: Don�t get your hopes up, Tom.
>Caption: And into battle they go. Little knowing. What hit them.
Tom: I. hate. Sentence fragments. Don�t. You?
Mike: You know, if we just cleaned up the grammar and spelling, this fan fic could actually be half tolerable.
>/((Panel 3. We see Efersi and Rogue alone.)
>Efersi: You love the man, do you nowt?
Tom: What�s a nowt?
Mike: Man, I have never seen this many mistakes crammed into one fan fic.
>Rogue: Whut ouhf it?
Tom: [announcer type voice] Oh, what a letdown! Rogue finds her Southern drawl for one brief minute just to loose it again!
>(Panel 4. They continue to talk.)
Mike: This is supposed to be in a hostile place! Where are all the guards!?
Big John: Wisely avoiding this fan fic.
>Efersi: So why do you not love him?
Crow: Because he�s got bad breath!
Tom: And he shaves once in a blue moon!
Big John: And he�s drooling over me constantly! Ah can�t take it.
>Rogue: Well, it�s because I can�t touch him. My mutant power precludes me from touching anyone.
>Efersi: So do you want to control this power?
Big John: You can touch me! Go for it Rogue!
>(Panel 5. Roughy gets nervous.)
Mike: [sings] Anxiety/ Got me on the run/ Anxiety/ Spoils all fun!
Tom: Roughy? So now she�s named after a fish?
>Rogue: Aye don�t want to be a mutant anymore...
Tom: Because it means being unable to touch people, having to wear this skin-tight spandex outfit, and getting killed and resurrected over and over!
>(Page 16, panel 1. Efersi smiles.)
>Efersi: I have the thing for you. But you have to decide which you want... to loose your powers, or to gain control over them.
Mike: [Sings] Control/ I just can�t lose control.
Crow: The Editor should have better controls over the grammar and spelling.
>Panel 2. Rogue and Gambit come )to the room of Saturn.
Mike: Man, this commission must have a second grade level of education.
Tom: Maybe less.
>Saturn: Well, you think you can beat my men, can you?
Big John: [Sings] Beat on that brat/Beat on that brat/ Beat on that brat with a baseball bat!
Mike: Someone should take a club to this piece.
>(Panel 3. Enter several armed guards.)
Tom: Oh boy! Mindless violence time!
Mike: I wouldn�t get you hopes up if I were you.
>Saturn: Guards, leave enough of them so that I can send their DNA to Arnim Zola.
Mike: What does Arnim Zola want with their DNA?
Big John: Well, it�s like this. He was originally a scientific technician, now he�s branched out into genetics.
>(Panel 4. We see the guards lynig on the ground, out kold.)
Mike: What!? They went from being a menace to being out cold!?
Tom: [announcer voice] And once again the Commission does not fail to disappoint their audience. They once again leave a hole in the plot so big that you can put the star Deneb in it!
>&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&*&
Crow: More drunken soldiers!
Big John [sings] Buffalo Soldier..
>(Page 17, panel 1. Rogue and Gambit confront Saturn.)
Mike: And Saturn realizes he�s in a bad fan fiction, and runs for it!
>Rogue: Release Efersi at once!
Crow: Oh, right. Like he�s going to release that guy just because you told him to.
Tom: Wait a minute! They already freed him! What is he doing back in the prison cell?
Mike: Probably trying to avoid this fan fic.
>(Panel 2. Saturn runs.)
Big John: Go on! Get out of here! We don�t need you!
>Saturn: I cannot face two of the X-Men! Go ahead, take your holy man!
Crow: And the directions say take one holy man after meals with a glass of milk.
>(Panel 3. Saturn leaves.)
Mike: That�s it? All that build up for this? Man, what a rip-off!
>Rogue: I�m going to -
>Gambit:Cheer, let him go
Tom: Go after him, Rogue! He was calling you names!
Big John: And he was sitting on a gold throne. The man�s loaded!
>(Panel 4.Rogue and Gambit release Efersi from his prison cell.)
Tom: Amazing how they managed to find him so quickly.
>Efersi: Thank you feo saving me, my friends. I knew the Professor would not let me down.
Mike: But this fan fic sure has been one let-down after another!
>(Page 18, panel 1. Efersi puts his hands together, and then pulls open a portal.)
>Gambit: You sly humme...
All: [humming] Mmmm...
>(Panel 2. Efersi pults out the Dream Weaver, a crystal the size of a soda glass, and holds it up.)
Mike: Let me get this straight. He could have made that portal at any time, pulled out the Dream Weaver and freed himself, but he chose not to do so?
Crow: Yet another hole in the plot. Man, this plot is like Swiss cheese!
>Efersi: Behold, the Dream Weaver. Make one wish, it will be yours.
Mike: I wish I was off this satellite and in the arms of my girlfriend.
>(Panel 3. Rogue concentrates, and gets very emotional.)
Big John: I can understand why... being in a fan fic like this would make me want to cry...
>Rogue: I wish I could countrol mah powers.
Mike: Well, so far my wish hasn�t been granted... what makes you think yours will?
>(Panel 4. Dream Weaver glows.)
>Cappo: And the wish is granted.
Mike: No it hasn�t! I�m still stuck on this hell hole satellite.
Crow: Cappo? Run for your life! It�s the Mafia!
>(Panel 5. Dream Weaver shoots an energy, hitting Rogue. This knocks her back slightly.)
>SFX: CRACKLE!!
Big John: Hey, I�m all for women on their backs.
Mike: Big John!!
>Rogue: UHN!!!
>(Page 19, panel 1. Efersi puts the Dream Weaver back into the portal, and closes the portal.)
Crow: Close the portal! What were you, born in a barn!?
>Efersi: Go, my friends, you have full lives to lead.
Mike: [as Efersi] I, however, have to be stuck in this fan fic.
>(Panel 2. Exit Efersi.)
Mike: The wise man wisely gets out of this.
>Gambit: Chere...
>Rogue: Remy...
Big John: Oh Michael, I mean Remy...
>(Panel 3. The two of them embrace, and kiss.)
Crow: Then they suddenly part. Rogue says: �Eugh! You�re breath is worse than a dead polecat on a hot summer day!�
Big John: And Gambit responds: �You kiss like a gagging remora, Rogue!�
>Cap (N1): They�ve been wanting this for a long time.
Tom: Just like we�ve been waiting for some quality fan fiction!
Big John: But, as usual, Rogue stops him and says: �Don�t mess up mah makeup!�
Crow: And Gambit replies: �Damnit woman, I want you now! Don�t say no!�
Mike: No, no, it�s just say no.
>Caption: And now they can have the one thing that both of them have been denied for so long.
Mike: Decent writing?
Crow: Better artists?
Tom: A way out of this fan fic?
Big John: A nice roll in the hay?
>Caption: Love.
Mike: I would have gone for decent writing myself.
Big John: Don�t you have a girlfriend?
Mike: I did, but she�s probably married to someone else now.
>(Panel 4. They part lips, smiling.)
Mike:While we frown.
>Rogue: You�ve been very good to me, Cajun. I know it�s time to have some real fun.
Tom: Paging Rogue, we�ve found your lost Southern drawl. Please report to the courtesy booth for your drawl.
>Gambit: Cherei, you be de best.
>(Page 20, panel 1. Later. We see the two of them in a cajun restaurant, sitting opposite each other. They have just finished eating dinner.)
>Caption: Later.
Mike: [Sings] See you later alligator/ After awhile crocodile.
>Caption Rogue and Gambit finally get to have a date at that restaurant.
Crow: Uh... not to be too picky here, but they�ve already had dates before...
>Caption: This time, however, there are no barriers between the two of them....
Big John: Oh, so therre�s nothing between them, like they�re naked, hm?
Mike: No, no no no.
>(Panel 2. Rogue and Gambit make eyes at each other.)
Crow: And they used the mashed potatoes to do it with.
Tom: Kinda like Close Encounters of the Third Kind?
>Rogue: You don�t know how long Ah�ve waited fer this.
Mike: Probably as long as we�ve waited to get some decent writing around here.
Crow: Her dry spell is ending. Ours, alas, continues.
>All those years of turnin� boys down because Ah couldn�t touch them...
Crow: [as Rogue] Ah gotta find me that bohunk Ah met 15 years ago, the one with the pretty blue eyes and the strong shoulders...
Mike: Unfortunately, these days he�s fat, married, and has three kids.
>Gambit: Je wait too long for this too, chere... I never really been in love before you.
Crow: But what about your marriage to Bella Donna?
Big John: It was an arraigned marriage. They never really loved each other.
>(Panel 3. They go out of the restaurant.)
>Cap (N): And after paying the check...
>Rogue: It�s gonna be a great night tonight, Remy.
Mike: For you, maybe. But for us...
Big John: It�s one disappointment after another.
>(Panel 4. Rogue picks up Gambit, and flies off with him.)
Tom: [as Rogue] Ah see a way out of this fan fic! Come on, Remy, Ah want to git out of here!
>Gambit: Woah!
>(Panel 5. We see Gambit holding onto Rogue from behind. He has his arms around her waist.)
>Gambit: Couldn�t wait long, non?
>Rogue: You�re in for a great time, Remy.
Mike: [as Rogue] Oh wait - no you�re not. Ah got me a headache.
Big John: [as Gambit] Don� you worry, chere. I got me some aspirin.
Mike: [as Rogue, and somewhat annoyed.] Aspirin upsets mah stomach.
>(Page 21, panel 1. X-Mansion. We see them arriving there.)
>Gambit: Home again.
>Rogue: The night�s jest gettin� started.
Mike: But we�ve already started... getting bored of this.
>(Panel 2. The two of them go upstairs, passing by Storm. She is in a modest white dress.)
>Storm: You seem very animated, Rogue.
Mike: You mean there�s also a cartoon X-Men?
Crow: Yea. It�s a little better than this, but not much.
>Rogue: Yep. Ah done got me a good thing here.
Tom: And then there�s Gambit too...
>(Panel 3. Exit Rogue and Gambit.)
>Caption: They seem happy I wonder why?
>(Panel 4. Enter Nightcrawler. He is in a nice shirt and slacks.)
>Nightcrawler: Was has gotten into Rogue?
Big John: It�s more like what�s about to get into Rogue.
Mike: Big John!
>Storm: I do not know, Kurt, but she seemed very elated.
Big John: Gambit got some Viagra!
Mike: He�s not an old man, Big John.
>(Panel 5. We see them enter Rogue�s room, while Gambit hangs a �do not disturb� sign on the door.)
Crow: We�re going to conduct some experiments in comparative and contrastive biology.
Mike: I�ve got the frogs ready...
>Gambit: Chere, you make me the happiest man alive.
Mike: Commission on Superhuman activities, you make me the most disgusted man alive.
>(Page 22, panel 1. The next morning. We see Rogue and Gambit lying next to each other in bed, beneath the >sheets. They have an arm around each other and appear to be naked. )
>Cap (N1): The next morning.
> Cap (N2): Rogue and Gambit had a fun-filled night.
>Cap (N3): Unfortunately, with the night, comes the morning....
Big John: And those sudden �Oh my God!� Flashbacks.
>(Panel 2. The two of them face each other, waking up.)
>Rogue. Uhn...
Crow: [As Rogue] OHMAH GAWD!!! Ah got knocked up last night!!
Big John: [As Rogue] An� even worse, Ah liked it.
Mike: *SIGH*...
>(Panel 3. They kiss. Panel 4. They part.)
>Rogue: Ah�ve heard so much about love...
Tom: And it was all a lot of hogwash! You�re terrible in bed, Remy!
>but Ah never thought it could be as good as it was last night.
Crow: Better enjoy it while you can, Rogue. Pretty soon you�ll have to look at a 40something Gambit wearing only his underwear, sitting on the X-Mansion�s couch scarfing potato chips and beer while watching Monday Night Football!
Big John: [sings] I love you more than shootin� duck/ I love you more than monster trucks/ I love you more than meatballs/ but not as much as football.
Tom: And then you�ll look at yourself in a mirror and see crow�s feet around your eyes.
Big John: Oh, come on, you two. You know characters in the Marvel Universe age in weird ways. Most of the X-Men have stopped aging altogether.
>Gambit: Chere, we got our whole lives for love like that. Aint nobody gonna stop ol� Gambit from being >with you.
Mike: I�m confused here. Back in X-Men #350, Rogue left him supposedly for good when it was discovered that Gambit had lead the Marauders to the Morelock massacre. Now they�re sleeping together?
Tom: My guess is that this was written before then.
Crow: Actually, they posted this just after New Year�s 1999.
Big John: Rogue is back with Gambit now. It�s a huge change from all that �I never forgive anyone� policy that Marvel usually has.
>Rogue: Oh Remy...
>Gambit: Oh chere...
Mike: Oh God...
(The doors open, and the lights come up. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots return.) Mike: Well, that was close.
(The screen comes to life, showing Pearl and the Observer there.)
Pearl: So, are you out of your mind yet?
Mike: Hmm... no.
(Pearl is taken aback.)
Pearl: Well, are you near going insane?
Mike: Mmm... I'd have to say no on that too.
Tom: Just say no, gang!
(Pearl is frustrated.)
Pearl: But you were affected by that fan fic, weren't you?
Mike: Hmm... let's put that one to a vote&�All in favor of saying yes?
(Silence.)
Mike: All in favor of saying no&br> All But Pearl and Observer: NO!
Pearl: Curse you, Nelson!! Well, I'll be back next week, and when I come back, I'll have something that will turn your mind into mush!
(The screen comes to life, showing Pearl and the Observer there.)
Pearl: So, are you out of your mind yet?
Mike: Hmm� no.
(Pearl is taken aback.)
Pearl: Well, are you near going insane?
Mike: Mmm� I'd have to say no on that too.
Tom: Just say no, gang!
(Pearl is frustrated.)
Pearl: But you were affected by that fan fic, weren't you?
Mike: Hmm� let's put that one to a vote� All in favor of saying yes?
(Silence.)
Mike: All in favor of saying no...
All But Pearl and Observer: NO!
Pearl: Curse you, Nelson!! Well, I'll be back next week� and when I come back, I'll have something that will turn your mind into mush!
