>PART 6
>THE NATION OF DOMINATION
Tom: That funky fresh rhyming dude, Victor Von Doom!
Mike: He should stick to making rhymes.
>Sailor Moon charged his scepter with all the energy she could gather, seeing this Mina just closed her eyes and waited for her death, but the unexpected happened, when Sailor Moon was about to fire Artemis flew out of nowhere and knocked her down to the floor scratching her face in the process.
Crow: A catfight, literally.
>-ahh!! My face! Artemis, why did you do that!
Tom: [as Artimis] You haven�t cleaned out my catbox in weeks!
All but Tom: EEEWWWW!!
>-Because you were about to kill an innocent!
Big John: [as Artimis] And besides, Sailor Venus works cheap!
>-I know that you love her, but understand that she is a killer!
Big John: [sings] She�s a killer/ Queen -
Mike: [interrupts] Not quite.
>-NO! You have to believe me I know she is innocent and I can probe that,
Mike: Crow, Big John, Don�t try this one.
Big John: Spoilsport.
Tom: [as Artemis] Does this look infected to you?
All but Tom: EUGH!
Mike: I think we�ve had enough of that line of riffing.
>Ami you said that you got a surveillance tape that shows what happened here am I right?
Big John: [sings] Go look at the pictures taken by the cameras/ They cannot lie/ The truth is in what you see/ Not what you read.
>-Yes.
>-And this tape shows the time when this happened does it not?
Crow: I dunno... it�s kinda grainy...
Big John: Hey babe, wanna sleep with me?
Mike: Big John!
>-Yes.
Big John: HA! She wants-
Mike: [interrupts] to get out of this fan fic now.
>-Well please check this one, you will see that at the same time that Sailor Venus killed the boy, she was entering the building as well.
All: No! Not the evil twin plot again!
Crow: It�s been beaten into the ground!
>Everyone went to the control room of the building to check the tape, what no one noticed was that Mina lefted the building with tears in her eyes.
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Darn her for lefting the building, now we�ve got to put it right again!
>- Once in the control room they saw both tapes and when they were checking the second one Amy started to cry.
Mike: Can�t say that I blame her... this fan fic is al most enough to bring me to tears.
Tom: Be strong, Mike... we can lick this.
>-Sailor Mercury are you all right?
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] Of course I�m not alright! I�m stuck here, am I not!?
>-Take a good look a this image Serena, this is the video I saw before and I was so stupid that I didn�t noticed that this Sailor Venus doesn�t have the crescent moon on her forehead, I told you it was her and you almost killed her and it was all my fault.
Big John: I really can�t stand these run-on sentences why can�t they use periods and start a new sentence it�s really annoying don�t you think?
>-But no one got killed...except... except..my brother.
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] I wouldn�t mind it so much but the lout owed me 1000 yen!
Tom: And I swore I�d kill him first.
>Serena started to cry again but this time the Sailor Scouts had to hold her because she was hysteric.
Big John: Hey babe... let me show you how to calm down!
Mike: Being with you is a sure-fire cure for insomnia
>- Once she was calmed they decided to find who the fake Sailor Venus was and what where the reasons of her to appear.
Big John: Let�s see here... how many times have we had to endure that evil twin plotline...
Tom: Too many, I assure you.
>Meanwhile in a deserted building, the fake Sailor Venus was giving her report to Dr. Doom.- The master of Latveria was satisfied with the results, but he got other plans in mind for her.
Big John: Hum job!
Mike: Not quite.
>-GOOD JOB MY DEAR SAILOR VENUS, BUT I�M AFRAID THAT I DON�T NEED YOU ANYMORE SO I WILL DISPOSE OF YOU.
Tom: So he�s a love-em-and-leave-em kind of guy.
Crow: [as the fake Sailor Venus] I can�t believe you�d do this to me! And just because I said I idolize Lorena Bobbitt...
Big John: You shouldn�t dispose of her. She�s recyclable! Why, she could be giving lost little boys out in the middle of nowhere hours of fun!
>At the same time he fired an incredible blast against her that in mere seconds turned the android into a pile of ashes.- Then he addressed two individuals that were in a dark section of the building.
Tom: [sings] Ashes to ashes/ Bunk to bunkie/ We know Major Tom�s a junkie...
Mike: Man, the bodies are really piling up here. I think by the time that we�re done, nobody will be left alive. Of course, everybody will have been resurrected, of course.
>-WELL, YOU HAVE WITNESSED MY POWER, THEREFORE YOU KNOW OF WHAT I�M CAPABLE OF, NOW ABOUT OUR ORGANIZATION, LET ME ANNOUNCE TO YOU THAT I HAVE A NAME FOR IT,
Tom: Mistakes �r� us?
Crow: The bad grammar league?
Big John: The badly written for guild?
Mike: Stupidity rules?
>THIS IS THE SECOND TIME I CREATE IT, THE FIRST TIME I GOT TWO POWERFUL ALLIES BUT THEY WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK THAT THEY COULD DO EVERYTHING BY THEMSELVES, SO I DECIDED TO DISPOSE OF THEM AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN BY THAT, THEREFORE LET US BE THE SECOND !!!NATION OF DOMINATION!!!
Crow: Somehow, I don�t think they�ll let you into the United Nations with a name like that.
Mike: Uh-oh. I�ve lost my hearing. I can�t hear anymore! All this shouting has made me deaf!
Tom: Huh? What did you say? All this shouting has disrupted my aural sensors.
>Dr. Doom raised his right hand (note from the author: When I say that he raised his hand I mean that he did just like the Germans in the second World War when they saw Hitler but with the fist closed), the other two persons imitated him in this salute, after this, Doom addressed one of them.
Tom: Sieg heil Doom!
Big John: Glop!
>-YOU HAVE A CLOSER RELATIONSHIP WITH THE SAILOR SCOUTS, DON�T YOU?
Big John: [sings] You bring me closer to God!
Mike: This fan fic is satanic.
Big John: Just be glad I didn�t sing the lines before that one.
>-Yes sir.
Big John: [as Doom] So, do you think you can get a hum job from one of them?
Mike: Can the hum jobs, Big John.
>-GOOD, THEN FIND OUT WHO THIS NEW SCOUTS ARE AND WHAT ARE THEY CAPABLE OF, AND SEE IF YOU�RE ABLE TO GET ME THE SILVER CRYSTAL.
Crow: [as Doom] And while you�re at it, see if you can get me some decent writing!
>-I�ll do so at once my lord.
Tom: [as the lackey] Decent writers... decent writers.... ah, here are some... they call themselves Quamp and the Icehole...
Mike: What kind of names are those for writers?
Big John: It�s better than Victor Von Doom.
>Then he lefted, after this he addressed the other one.
Tom: [as Doom] You address is 387 Park Ave. South, New York, NY 10016.
>-AS FAR AS YOU CONCERN, YOU WILL WAIT A LITTLE MORE MALCHITE, YOU JUST GOT BACK FROM DEATH SO YOU NEED TO GAIN MORE ENERGY BEFORE YOU COULD GO OUT IN A MISSION, YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
Tom: [as Doom] After all, it�s not every day one dies and gets resurrected.
Mike: Tom, this is the Marvel Universe...
Tom: Hmm... point taken.
>-Yes sir, in the meantime I�ll plan something to do and I�ll talk about it with you later.
Big John: I�ll sweep the floor... you�ve got all these weird ashes on it.
>-SO BE IT.
All: Amen.
>While this events were taking place, Serena was back on her house, sitted in the garden remembering every moment she shared with her lost brother, inside of the house her mother was dressed in black crying in her room.
Mike: [as Sailor Moon�s mother] Oh no... first I get stuck in a piece of bad fan fiction, now I have to endure losing a son!
>-Luna and Artemis arrived with another problem at hand.
Tom: [whining] Serena, Artimis has been leaving little presents in my cat bed again!
Mike: Can the bathroom humor, Tom.
>-Serena, we know how you feel, but we got a terrible problem, after all that happened this morning at the mall, Mina disappeared, she didn�t return home and Artemis was unable to find her.
Crow: She found a way out of this fan fic! Lucky dog.
>But Serena didn�t even noticed their presence, she was too concentrated on her memories to notice anything around her.
Big John: Hmm... perfect time to go for it!
Mike: Now now, she�s emotionally distraught, she needs our patience, our assistance.
Crow: This fan fic is beyond hope, Mike...
>-SERENA!!
Tom: Oh my God! She�s a zombie!
Mike: She�s been stuck in this fan fiction for too long. Get her out quick! Lie her down! Give her some air to breathe!
Big John: I know mouth-to-mouth!
Mike: You�re a robot, you don�t breathe.
Big John: Well, it was worth a shot.
>No reaction, Luna knew that there was only one thing to do, so she got one of her claws out and scratched one of Serena�s legs.
>-auch!! What was that for?
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Now I�ve got a run in my stockings! These things don�t come cheap, you know!
>-Didn�t you heard us? Mina is missing, we have to find her!
Tom: [as Random Sailor] Do we really have to?
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Well, she works for minimum wage...
>-O.K. Luna, but let�s get Amy first, then we have to..
Mike: Not one word out of you two.
Big John: [angelically] Now, would we -
Mike: [interrupts] Yes.
>-Maybe we can help you.
Mike: Be my guest. This fan fic can use all the help it can get.
>Serena saw two girls in front her, one of them got black hair and was as tall as Lita with brown eyes, and the other got long blue hair and green eyes.
Crow: It was Elektra and Mystique!
>-Who are you?
Mike: �I�m Batman.�
Tom: Wrong comic book company, Mike.
Mike: Sorry Tom, it�s so hard to keep them straight.
Crow: It�s simple, Mike. Marvel is the one that makes mistakes and has no continuity, Image is the one where all the women are really hot but the men look like something scraped off the bottom of a shoe, and DC is the one where all the characters are like cardboard!
Mike: You mean that Marvel�s characters aren�t like cardboard?
Tom: Well, some of them are...
>-Of course, you don�t know us like this, let us give you a reminder.
(Crow starts playing charades.)
Tom: O.k., two words... first word... sounds like sad.
Big John: Rad? Gad? Mad? Fad? Pad? Had? Lad? Tad?
Mike: It�s bad.
>-!JUPITER POWER! !MAKE UP!
>-!MARS POWER! !MAKE UP!
Crow: Aw, how sweet. They�re kissing and making up.
Big John: Say, as long as you two are kissing, how about kissing me?
>In moments both turned into Sailor Jupiter and Sailor Mars.
Crow: Lookout! Run-on sentence coming!
(Mike and the bots duck beneath the chairs.)
>-So you are the new scouts, maybe now you could give me and Amy an explanation about this, come with me, were going to Amy�s house and there you are going to tell us how did you got your powers, but first maybe you would like to go back to your normal self, so no one will notice you.
Crow: [still hiding] is it safe to come out now?
Big John: Is it ever safe to come out?
(They come out of hiding.)
Tom: Good thing these seats are made of sturdy stuff.
>Minutes later they were on the park along with Amy and the new scouts started to tell their history.
Big John: Ah, who cares about where you�ve been. I wanna know if you�re going with me!
Mike: Big John! Don�t encourage freelove! There are such things as STDs, you know.
Big John: I�m a robot, I don�t get sick... except for a computer virus or two...
Tom: Look out! incoming Run-on sentence!
(Mike and the bots duck.)
>-Well let me introduce ourselves, my name is Sarah Bryant and she is Nina Williams, in my case it all started four weeks ago, I was in my way home when a girl about my age and with brown hair and a ponytail appeared out of nowhere in front of me, she told me a weird story about a kingdom in the moon, I thought that she was a nut until she gave me this pen and told me how to use it, then she disappeared and I never saw her again.
(Mike, Crow and Tom come out to see Big John on the floor with a chair over him.)
Big John: Help! That last one was too much for the chair in front of me!
Tom: Hey! That�s Sailor Moon�s origin! Rip-off! Rip-off!!
(Big John sits in his chair.)
>Serena�s eyes opened wide as she heard the story.
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Wow, your origin was just like mine! Can�t this writer come up with something original?
>-Same here, but with a little difference, the girl that gave me the pen got long black hair and was dressed like a priest of some kind.
Tom: Close enough.
Mike: He changed it just enough to avoid legal troubles.
>Amy got an explanation out of it.
Crow: She just reached in and pulled it out.
Mike: Sounds like the way this fan fic was written.
>-I think that this is the way that Rei and Lita selected before they finally passed out.
Tom: [as Alex Trebek from Jeopardy!] I�m sorry, your answers must be in the form of a question. Select again.
>-Uh?
Mike: Huh?
>-Let me explain this to all of you, what you saw was the last portion of energy they got and they decided to use it to gave their powers to other girls so they could protect you Serena, instead of say good by to their loved ones.
Mike: Awfully decent of them...
Crow: I would have opted for saying goodbye to my loved ones.
>Serena�s cheeks were full with tears as she heard Amy.
Big John: That�s not tears, that�s -
Mike: [coldly] Water.
>-Lita....Rei...why, why you ?
Tom: Oh, Sailor Moon, you had such a good run of stories... why did Doom pick you and ruin everything?
>Amy got beside her to confort her.
Big John: [as Amy] I�m sorry, Serena, but to make up for it I�ve got this huge dil-
Mike: Stop right there. We do not mention that word in this place.
>-Please Serena, stop crying we got us now, we will be here for you all the time.
Crow: [sings] I�ll be there for you...
>Artemis interrupted her.
Tom: How rude! It�s not polite to interrupt people!
>-Girls this is getting worse,
All: You can say that again!
>Mina lefted a note for you Serena, look at it.
Tom: Right there.... no, no, you�re other left.
>Serena took the note and she was shocked when she read it, Amy noticed that she starting to pale as she read, in the end she fainted and the other girls went beside her, Amy took the note and she found out what made Serena react in such way.
Big John: [reading the note] Dear Serena: I�m leaving you and I�m taking the cats with me. You never would be nice to me and always teased me about my inability to give a good hum job.
Tom: DUCK! We�ve got another run-on sentence coming!!
(Mike and the bots duck.)
>-Guys, listen to this: �I can�t believe what you were about to do this morning Serena, I thought that I was your friend, but today I founded out that you only wanted me as your bodyguard not your friend, therefore here is what I�m going to do, ask my mother for the package I lefted for you, you will find my transformation pen and my transmitter inside of it, when you read this letter I�ll be in my way to a boarding school in Europe, this way you will never see me again and I will be able to enjoy my life with new friends REAL FRIENDS, who care about me and trust me and I will be able to stop worrying about fighting monsters or strange creatures risking my life for a person like you, please take care of Artemis, I want to left everything that reminds me of being a Sailor Scout in America and start a new life in Europe, Mina.�
(Mike and the bots emerge to see the row in front of them missing.)
Tom: Man, that took out the row in front of us!
Crow: Let�s hope that the other run-ons aren�t that long.
Mike: I thought they were in Japan.
Big John: They were. Kinda reminds me of this survey they did about 5 years ago. They sampled a group of high school seniors, and asked them to name all 50 states. Only 12% or so got all 50, and about 35% of the students listed Japan as a U.S. State
>-She lefted us? I can�t believe she did something like that.
Mike: [as Random Sailor] She found a way out of this fan fic and I can�t believe she�d leave the rest of us behind!
>-Nina, She was hurt more than we thought, we were too busy accusing her of being a killer to notice the pain she got inside.
Big John: [as Bill Clinton] Ah feel your pain.
>-Maybe you�re right Amy, but we have to concentrate in found out who is behind all this, besides if this is her decision we have to respect it.
Tom: [as a Random Sailor] But I still wish she had taken us with her when she left.
>Serena regained conciseness.
Big John: [as Sailor Moon] Uhn... that Spanish Fly can really do a number on you.
Mike: Keep it clean, Big John.
>-Amy....
Big John: Just how many Sex on the Beaches did I have last night?
Mike: If you have to ask, too many.
>-Don�t try to talk Serena, you have to rest a little while.
Big John: You�ve got to save your strength. After all, you boyfriend is as horny as hell, and he�s going to beg you for it tonight.
>-No...we have to look for Mina...we have to get her back.
Big John: She was the best one at giving hum jobs!
Mike: Why are you so fixated with hum jobs?
Big John: It�s the only kind of kinky sex I can talk about in one of these fan fics. Do you want to hear about some of the really kinky stuff I�ve been programmed to do?
All but Big John: NO!!!!
>-We will talk about that later now we�re going to get you home so you can get some rest.
Tom: Goodnight, sleep tight, and don�t let the bed bugs bite.
>After that the girls brought Serena back to her home so she could get some rest, then they went to Amy�s home to continue their talk.
Crow: [as random Sailor] Man, I never thought we could get rid of her!
>-So the last thing you told was that you received your powers from two different girls, am I right?
Tom: Young women, please. This is the age of political correctness, mind you.
>-Yep. But there is something else, sometimes they appear to tell us that you are in trouble so we transform and then they made us follow them to were you are so we can help you.
Mike: Ah-ha! So they have been resurrected after all.
Tom: Duck! Run-on sentence!
(Mike and the bots duck.)
>-I see.- Well this is all for now, like you said before we have to find who is behind all this, first a strange kid show us up in school and starts to bother me until the day that I nearly killed Mina, then a fake Sailor Venus caused her departure, if you notice there is a pattern here we have been attacked one after the other, first I was attacked in my weak point, my studies, then Mina in her feelings, who could be next, we have to keep an eye on Serena, she may be next.
(Mike and the bots come out.)
Mike: Man, now there�s a gaping hole where the row in front of us was.
Crow: The only pattern I�ve seen here is the bad grammar, misspelled words, and blatant disregards for continuity....
>The next day the girls were on their way to school when suddenly they saw a brilliant light in the center of the street, and from there emerged dozens of green soldiers as well as many attack vehicles, after them a platform emerged and the girls were shocked when they saw Dr. Doom in top of it.
Crow: [parodying the Bud Ice commercial] Doomie doomie do....
>-This is impossible, I was sure of his death when we fought in Latveria weeks ago.
Mike: Of course it�s possible! In the Marvel Universe, they expect you to swallow anything!
Crow: Ah, we�ve taught him well, haven�t we?
Tom: Pretty soon, it�ll be so that he�ll be able to comprehend some of the easier stuff in the Marvel Universe.
>-HEAR ME PEOPLE OF JAPAN, I DR. VICTOR VON DOOM DECLARE MYSELF AS YOUR EMPEROR AND...
Big John:[as Doom] My first decree is that every woman must give a man a hum job!
Tom: [as Doom] And my second decree is that you will give this writer better lines!
>-The day that our people decide to have a new ruler it will be our people who will choose who it may be, In behalf of the moon I�ll punish you!!!
Crow: Hey, the Punisher isn�t in this story! Rip-off! Rip-off!!
>-YOU AGAIN SAILOR MOON, I THOUGHT THAT YOU LEARNED YOUR LESSON THE LAST TIME WE FOUGHT.
Mike: Well, as the beginning of this story showed us, she�s not that good of a learner...
Tom: Well, she hasn�t tried any attempts to escape this story.
>-That doesn�t matter, I�ll fight you again if necessary and..
Big John: Play Lorena Bobbitt!
Mike: Not quite.
>-She is not alone!!!
(Crow hums the theme to �Close Encounters of the Third Kind.�)
>-We are here to help you Sailor Moon.
Mike: [as Sailor Moon] Thanks to you I had to hire some mercenaries from Timmy�s discount mercenaries-for-hire!
Tom: A wholly owned subsidiary of Timmy�s discount used lemonade stand.
>-SO YOU GOT REINFORCEMENTS, VERY WELL LET ME SHOW YOU MY OWN REINFORCEMENTS !MEET THE NATION OF DOMINATION!!
Crow: Pleased to meet you. I�, Crow T. Robot, this is Tom Servo, Big John, and Mike Nelson.
>Suddenly one men emerged on the right side of Dr. Doom and the Sailor Scouts were shocked when they saw who he was.
Tom: Well, is it one, or men?
Big John: Maybe it�s one guy with multiple personalities.
Crow: Kinda like Billy Milligan, hmm?
>-Malachite!!
Tom: And don�t forget his evil twin Azurite.
>-Nice to see you again Sailor Scouts, this time I�ll have my revenge now!!!
Tom: Sorry, revenge is on back order this week.
>-NOT YET MALACHITE, I WANT THEM TO MEET THE OTHER MEMBER OF THE NATION OF DOMINATION, SHOW YOUR SELF!!
Mike: You know Doom, we�re right in front of you, you don�t have to shout.
>What Sailor Moon saw was the most horrible thing she could ever saw.
Tom: An Army of Amway salesmen?
Big John: Quantum Leap Sales Reps?
Crow: Doctor Doom naked! AAAAHHHHHH!!!! It�s enough to make you lose your sanity!
>-Hi there Sailor Scouts.
Crow: Hi there, Barney!
>-Tuxedo Mask? No this is impossible, you can�t be with them!!
Big John: We were going out on a date tonight!
Mike: Well, I�m surprised at that one. Usually you�d make some sexual reference there.
Big John: Well, since you asked...
Mike: Nononono.
>PART 7
>THE BORN OF A NEW PRINCESS
Crow: [sings] Born of frustration...
Tom: [sings] We were born/ Born to be alive.
>When Serena saw Tuxedo Mask on the right side of Dr. Doom she walked towards him and tried to talk to him.
Big John: [as Sailor Moon] How could you do this to me? We had wonderful nights together in bed!
Mike: Well, if it was with you, I could understand.
>-Tell me that this is not true Tuxedo Mask, tell me that you haven�t turned your back on us again, please!!
Crow: [as Tuxedo Mask] No, I�m facing you! Are you blind or something?
>-This time I have opened my eyes Serena, this time I�m sure of what I want, don�t try to make me change my mind because you won�t succeed.
Big John: [sings] Open your eyes see the light right in front of you...
Tom: You can�t change his mind because Doom changed it out for you.
Crow: Looks like he put a defective model in there.
>-NO!! I love you with all my heart, I know that you still care about me and our mission to protect the innocent!!
Big John: [as Sailor Moon] Besides, nobody could give me a tongue lashing like you could!
Mike: Cut it out, Big John!
>-I care about you Serena, but take a look, you spend all your live defending the people around you but you don�t receive any reward for it, please my love join us and be our Queen so you...
Crow: [as Darth Vader] Come with me to the dark side of the Force.
>Amy couldn�t hold herself.
Big John: [as Sailor Mercury] Sorry gang, but I got to go to the bathroom bad!
>-LIAR!!! THAT�S THE SAME CRAP DOOM TOLD ME, I�M NOT GOING TO LET YOU HURT SAILOR MOON!!! !!MERCURY ICE BUBBLES!! !BLAST!!
Mike: AH! I�m deaf! I can�t hear anything!
Tom: Unfortunately, that doesn�t spare you from the printed media this is in.
>But Sailor Moon putted herself in the way of Amy�s shot covering herself with her Lunar Scepter, and the unexpected happened the Lunar Scepter reversed the shot and Sailor Mercury was turned into an ice statue in mere seconds.
Crow: Oh no! Amy�s been frozen!
Tom: [sings] How can I be what you want me to be?/ You�re frozen...
Big John: Heh heh... frozen Sailor on a stick.
>-Sailor Mercury!!! God what have I done!!
Big John: Look on the bright side, you�ve spared her from Doom�s dialogue for awhile at least.
Mike: That is, until she gets resurrected.
>But when she tried to run towards her friend Tuxedo Mask holded her arm and pulled her against him.
Tom: [imitating a whistle, as a referee] Offensive holding! 5 yard* penalty, repeat the down!
>-Please my love, join me and my friends and we will live in peace forever, just you and me.
Big John: [as Tuxedo Mask] We�ll retire comfortably on an island where we can have great sex every night!
Mike: I give up... you�re hopeless.
>-NO!!! Just look what you made me do!!
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] I spilled tea all over my new dress! Tea stains are murder to take out of silk!
Big John: [as Sailor Moon] I soiled my panties!
Mike: Big John!!
>I care about you and I love you as much as you love me but if you�re in the side of evil again I�ll be forced to fight you, please don�t made do it again (Author�s note: They fought in the negaverse remember?)
Crow: If there�s one thing I can�t stand, it�s these stupid, cheap sales-boosting hero-fights-heroine fights.
>Hearing this he trowed her to the floor.
Crow: As opposed to throwing her, which would have caused her discomfort.
Tom: Just how does one trow anyway?
>-O.K. then, if you want to fight me let�s fight!!!
(The bots make cat hisses and screeches.)
Mike: Man, that�s getting real old.
>Combining words with actions he trowed a rose to her, Serena was able to move but the flower made a deeply wound in her left arm, seeing the princess in trouble the other scouts attacked him.
Crow: [sings] Every rose has its thorn...
>-!JUPITER THUNDER! !CRASH!
>-!FIRE OF MARS! !IGNITE!
Mike: [as Sailor Saturn] �Whatever Sailor Saturn does! �Do it!
Tom: Say, where are Sailor Saturn, Sailor Uranus, Sailor Neptune, and Sailor Pluto?
Big John: Wisely avoiding this fan fic.
>But both of them were supprised when their attacks were repelled by a strange force field, then they heard the voice of Dr. Doom.
Mike: [as Doom] Do you like my force field? I got it at Merlin�s discount used magic supplies...
>-FOOLS!! YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN ATTACK US LIKE THAT? NOW YOU WILL WITNESS THE DEATH OF YOUR BELOVED PRINCESS AND MY CORONATION AS THE RULER OF THE WORLD!!!
Tom: Hey! You ripped that off from the Super-Villain�s dialogue handbook!
Mike: Doesn�t surprise me.
>Suddenly a 15 foot steel cage emerged from the floor and trapped Sailor Moon inside of it along with Tuxedo Mask and Dr. Doom, meanwhile Malachite prepared to fight the rest of the Sailor Scouts.
Crow: [as Malachite] Wait a minute! Four against one isn�t fair!
>-Well well, Sailor Scouts, this time I will not be defeated!!! Prepare to die!!!
Mike: [as Random Sailor] Oh, hold on a moment, I�m not ready for that yet. Is my hair straight? Is my makeup o.k.?
>-Sailor Mars you help Amy, I�ll try to control this guy!!
Tom: [as Malachite] I won�t be tamed, woman!
>-O.K.
Tom: Nice of her to agree at this point.
Crow: [facetiously] Oh, but our leader needs us! We can�t have any dissention in our ranks.
Big John: Just like the Gulf War, right?
>Sailor Mars got in front of Sailor Mercury and used her fire to unfroze the girl but she caused minor burns on her in the process.
Tom: Should have used some sunscreen.
Crow: Get the feeling Doom doesn�t like Sailor Moon?
>-Sorry for that Amy, but it was the only way to do it.
Big John: [as Sailor Mars] We didn�t want to freeze-dry you for shipment to some third world country as a sex slave.
>-Now I know what a lobster feels when you put it in boiling water, don�t worry about it, let�s help Jupiter.
Big John: So you turned from black to red too?
>Sailor Jupiter was in trouble,
Crow: [sings] A girl in trouble is a temporary thing...
>Malachite blocked all her attacks and was about to hit her with a powerful energy beam when the other scouts got there to help her.
Tom: [as Malachite] Thank goodness for this new SPF 100 sunblock... it repels everything.
>-!MERCURY ICE BUBBLES! !BLAST!
>The attack took Malachite by supprise and in mere moments he found himself covered by ice, but using his powers he was able to unfroze himself.
Crow: [as Malachite] Ha! You�re not giving me the cold shoulder!
>-No enough for you Malachite, well now is my turn !FIRE OF MARS! !IGNITE!!
Crow: [sings] Fire and Ice!/ You come on like a flame/ Then you turn a cold shoulder....
>Malachite was able to block part of the shot but he was badly burned.- Seeing their opponent injured the Sailor Scouts combined their powers to finish him up.
Big John: [as Random Sailor] Let�s gang up on him and hurt him bad!
>-!FIRE OF MARS! !IGNITE!
>-!MERCURY AQUA ILUSION! !BLAST!
>-!JUPITER THUNDER! !CRASH!
Mike: Finally! A different power used!
>Malachite saw the powerful beam coming at him, the only thing he was able to do was scream.
Tom: You could have constructed a barrier, but nooooo...
>-You got me this time but I�ll be back aga...aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrgggggggg!!!!
Mike: For Pete�s sake, if you�re going to kill someone, KEEP THEM DEAD.
Tom: Look out! Incoming run-on sentence!!
(Mike and the bots duck.)
>In seconds he turned into a pile of ashes.- With their enemy destroyed the Sailor Scouts runned towards the area were the steel cage was located to help Sailor Moon, who was in a terrible predicament fighting Tuxedo Mask and Dr. Doom at the same time, Sailor Mercury was the first to arrive and she was horrified when she saw Sailor Moon inside of the cage with her uniform ripped apart in several areas and blood coming out of the wounds made by Tuxedo Mask�s roses.
(Mike and the bots emerge.)
Crow: Whew... thanks for the warning, Tom.
Big John: And just Where was her uniform torn?
Mike [coldly] on her arm.
Tom: [as Sailor Moon] Man, I paid 150000 yen for this dress! It was supposed to be tear resistant! I want my money back!
>- She knew that Sailor Moon wasn�t full recovered from their first encounter in Latveria, so she tried to climb the cage but as soon as she touched it she was thrown away by a discharge of energy that was emanating from the cage.
Tom: [sings] Despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage...
>The other scouts helped her up and tried to do the same but they got the same results.
Tom: [as Random Sailor] I�m sorry! I didn�t know this was going to be on the test! I would have studied!
>- Mercury took out her computer and started to tap on it trying to find a weak spot in the cage so they could get in and save the princess from a certain death.
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] Divide by 9 carry the 1, oh, to heck with this. Just hit the cage.
>- Inside of the cage Serena was trying to keep herself alive, while Tuxedo Mask was throwing roses at her, Dr. Doom used laser blasts, she desperately tried to use her tiara against Dr. Doom but it was destroyed by one of his laser shots, then she tried to user her Lunar scepter but a rose cutted her hand and made her drop it.
Crow: [as the rose] That�ll teach you to cut me!
>- Seeing her weapons neutralized she tried something that in a normal occasion she wouldn�t do, crying she runned towards Tuxedo Mask attempting a physical attack but she was stopped by the fist of Tuxedo Mask that impacted in her face making her fall, she felt the blood on her mouth and looked up to him.
Tom: Huh? I thought she was in the cage.
>- The pain she felt in her heart was bigger that the pain she felt on her body because the man that she loved to death attacked her hurting her more than anything could.
Crow: �You always hurt the ones you love the most.�
Mike: If that�s true, Victor Von Doom must love his audience to death.
>-Darien, how could you?
Big John: Three words: Darned poor writing.
>-I�m sorry my love, but you�re forcing me to do this, join us and your sufferment will cease.
Tom: [as Tuxedo Mask] But look on the bright side: At least you�ll be spared Doom�s dialogue.
Mike: That is, of course, until you�re resurrected again.
>Sailor Moon stood up, and walked towards Dr. Doom with the silver crystal on her hands, outside of the cage Sailor Mercury was trying to find a solution to their problem on her computer when Sailor Mars interrupted her.
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] divide by 14, multiply by 9 carry the one... aw, heck, this formula�s too dang complicated.
>-Mercury look, what is she doing?
Big John: Hum job!
Mike: No.
>Amy gasped when she saw Sailor Moon walking towards Doom with the Silver Crystal on her hands.
Crow: Don�t give him the crystal! It�ll put you back at square one!
>-Oh my god, no, please Serena don�t do it.
Big John: [as whomever said the previous line] He could have STDs!
Mike: Just say no, people.
>-What is she going to do?
>Asked Jupiter.
Tom: Man, these Amway salespeople can be really rough.
>-Either she�s going to give the crystal to him or she�s going to kill herself releasing the power of it, knowing Serena as I do, I know that she is going to do the second one, we have to do something before she kills herself, come on!!
Big John: [as Sailor Moon] You won�t buy my Quantum Leap products, so I�m going to have to kill you!
>Meanwhile Serena got in front of Dr. Doom and raised the Silver Crystal.
Crow: Let�s all raise a silver crystal to Doom.
>-WELL I SEE THAT YOU�RE A SMART GIRL SERENA, NOW GIVE ME THE CRYSTAL!!!
Crow: If she was smart, why is she still in this fan fic?
Big John: Then she stuffs it down her dress and says: �If you want it, you�re going to have to take it from me!
Mike: Wrong.
>She turned around to see Tuxedo Mask.
Big John: [as Sailor Moon] And by the way, you were terrible in bed, Darien!
Mike: Big John, STOP IT!
Big John: O.k., which way did it go?
>-You hurted me more that anything has ever hurted me Darien, now I found no reason to live, I�ll do what I have to do to preserve peace on this planet, good bye my good friends, !MOON CRYSTAL GIVE ME YOUR POWER!!!
Mike: I guess she�d rather commit suicide than be in this fan fic further.
All bots: I know I would.
>-Serena don�t!!!
>Screamed Amy when she saw what Serena was about to do.
Crow: [as Random Sailor] He�s got cooties!
Tom: Another run-on sentence!
(Mike and the bots jump into the hole that was the previous row.)
>Dr. Doom only saw an incredible blast of light when the Silver Crystal released it�s full power on him and Sailor Moon who flew about twenty feet before falling to the ground, the rest of the Sailor Scouts runned towards her and Tuxedo Mask who was unconscious by the sudden blast, the only thing they could found of Dr. Doom was his burned mask, Amy got beside Sailor Moon and checked her vital signs.
(Mike and the bots emerge.)
Big John: Whew! That one nearly took my head off.
Crow: What happened to the cage they were in? It�s not like it suddenly vanished is it?
>-She is a coma, we have to get her to a hospital quick!!
Crow: That�s the fourth time this fan fic she�s been injured! Man, you�d think Doom could think of something else to do to her...
Big John: If he can�t, I can!
>After a few minutes Serena was in the intensive care area of Tokyo�s central hospital, one of the nurses came out to talk to Amy who was in the waiting room.
Tom: Man, Sailor Moon�s health plan must be really good if she can take all this abuse and get healed without tons of paperwork.
Crow: I can see them denying her claim now. �You got these injuries how???�
>-You�re Amy Anderson right?
Mike: [as Sailor Mercury] Uh... Am I Amy or Ami? I can�t remember.
>-Yes.
>-Please have a seat.
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] Cool! This chair will look totally rad in my room!
>-How are my friends?
Big John: [as the Doctor] Not good, I�m afraid. They�ve been taking massive amounts of placebos from Quantum Leap and it�s turning them fat.
>-I�m sorry but the guy in the tuxedo suite died, but that�s not the real problem here, the blond girl is pregnant, we don�t know how long is she going to be in a coma but where going to do all we can to save both of them.
Crow: If only he had chosen the honeymoon suite, he�d be alive today...
>Amy was shocked very deeply, Darien dead, Serena pregnant, it was too much for her, before fainting she remembered that a month ago Serena told her about a secret date she got with Darien before, now she understood what the �little secret� Serena talked about back then was, she gave herself to Darien that night, then blackness.
Tom: [announcer voice] This announcement courtesy of the clumsy recaps department.
Big John: Well, looks like Tuxedo Mask got lucky after all...
Mike: Kids, if you�re gonna do it, use contraception.
>A few minutes later she awakened in a bed, after a few moments she realized that she was in the hospital, she sitted on the bed and saw Nina and Sarah looking out the window.
Big John: [singing �Flagpole Sitta�] I�m not sick but I�m not well.../ I�m not surprised/ �Cause I�m in hell...
Mike: Being around you is hell.
>-Girls, how long have you been there?
Tom: I dunno... did Carter** win?
>-Since you were brought here, the nurse told us about Darien and Serena, what are we going to do, what is going to happen when Luna finds out about this?
Mike: Why ask why?
>-Find out what dear?
Tom: That you�re trapped in terrible fan fiction.
>-Luna come here please.
>Called Amy.
Crow: [operator voice] We�re sorry, but the number you are trying to reach is not in service at this time. Please check the number and try your call again.
>-Yes?
Big John: Hey, I like a woman who says yes.
Mike: Again, just say no, people.
Tom: Look out! Run-on sentence!
(Mike and the bots jump into the crater that was the row in front of them.)
>-What I�m about to tell you is very serious, more than a month ago Serena told me about a secret date she got with Darien, she told about me about a �little secret� they got, an hour ago, a nurse told me that she was pregnant, I was too shocked that I fainted, but now we have to do whatever we have to do to help her, before she released the power of the Crystal, she was entering a terrible depression, when she recuperates and found out that she is expecting a baby she may get worse, what I�m trying to say is that I don�t want you to be mad at her for this.
(Mike and the bots emerge.)
Mike: Let�s see here... she had sex before she was legally permitted to, used the Silver Crystal to commit murder, and is spouting off bad grammar and misspelled words... well, the first two I can forgive, but those last two, I�m not to sure...
>-DON�T GET MAD AT HER YOU SAY!! I was supposed to guide her and made her a good Queen and now she got herself pregnant, I...It�s just that I feel that I failed to her and to Queen Serenity.
Mike: [as Random Sailor] Well, nobody�s perfect...
Tom: [as another Random Sailor] Because she�s going to be a mother, she�s going to want more money... should we keep her on the payroll?
Crow: [as third Random Sailor]Well, we really can�t afford to train another leader now...
>Artemis putted a paw on her head.
Tom: [street preacher voice] HEEEEAAALLL! THE POWER OF JEEEEEESUS IS WITH YOU!
>-Please Luna don�t be so hard on yourself,
Big John: Have her be hard on my hard on!
Mike: That�s really getting annoying now, Big John. Besides, Luna is a cat!
>they loved each other more that we will ever know, what if they decided to let it flow?
Big John: Among other fluids flowing...
Mike: Do you want me to tape up your optical sensors again?
>-Maybe, but she wasn�t supposed to do that until she got married with him.- Anyway they will get married now.
Crow: Well, it�s kinda sorta too late for that one...
>-I�m afraid not Luna, Darien died in the battle.
Mike: So now Serena�s going to end up homeless and with a child like thousands of other women?
>-What!! This is worse that I thought, now she is going to have a baby without a father, maybe you�re right Amy we must gave her our support, how is she now?
Big John: It happens all the time. Then again, having seen the father, would you want the kid to grow up evil?
>-She is still in coma, the nurse told me that they didn�t knew for sure how long she would be like that.
Tom: As long as she can, to avoid this dialogue.
>Three weeks later Serena awoke in the hospital, and the first thing she saw was Amy sitted in a chair beside her bed.
Mike: Sitting, waiting, still haven�t found anything good here so far...
>-Serena how do you feel?
Big John: [sings] I fell like/ Winds on the Indian Ocean/ Rocking the waves with motion/
Mike: Stop it, you�re making me seasick.
>-Every bone in my body hurts Amy.
Big John: [as Sailor Mercury] Here, I�ve got this wonderful product called Lifespan I that will make all your pain go away... it�s only $150 US...
Mike: Don�t use drugs, people!!
>-Don�t worry Serena you�ll be fine, now must get some rest.
Big John: And I�ve got something here to help you sleep...
Mike: The drug thing is getting old, Big John.
Tom: Oh no! Another run-on sentence coming!
(Mike and the bots jump into the hole in front of them.)
>A moth later Serena was released from the hospital and went home, once there Amy talked to her and told her about her pregnancy, Serena couldn�t believe that she was expecting a baby and that it�s father was dead, she told Amy to call her mother, and then she asked her to leave, once she was alone with her mother she told her about it, then she cried on her mother�s arms like she never cried before, after that and with the help and support of her parents and friends she was able to accept that she was about to be a mother, and nine moths later a little girl was born, and Serena named her Renee, she was the new princess of the Moon, and from there Serena started to prepare to became the New Queen of the Moon.
(We see Mike and the bots wearing helmets and camouflage.)
Mike: This fan fic has got us pinned down! Crow, what�s our ammo situation?
Crow: Like this fan fic, it�s starting to get repetitive ... I don�t know how much longer we can riff on the same thing over and over...
Mike: We�re going to have to make a run for it...
(Mike and the bots emerge.)
Crow: Man, that recap was just as confusing as the plotline.
>EPILOGUE
Big John: Just the thing you need to shave a log�s legs...
>In Latveria a man wearing a green cape was witnessing all the events that took place in the life of Serena Tzukino, suddenly another man emerged from the shadows that were covering the room were he was, the only illumination there was the reflect of the crystal ball he was using to see this girls life.
Big John: [as Doom] Curse them! And I never got my hum job either.
Mike: [coldly] GOOD.
>-You�re new mask is ready my lord.
Tom: [as Doom] It�s about time, that old one made me look so bloated and fat!
>-VERY WELL, BRING IT TO ME AT ONCE!!
Crow: Funny, I thought Doom�s mask was permanently fused to his face.
Tom: Funny, so did I.
>-Yes my lord.
Crow: I just wish we didn�t have to worship you as a deity.
>After a few moments the man returned carrying a steel mask that he gave to the man in the green cape.
Crow: [as delivery man] That�ll be $25.99 plus tip.
>-ENJOY YOUR LIFE NOW THAT YOU CAN SAILOR MOON, BECAUSE SOONER OR LATER DR. VICTOR VON DOOM WILL STRIKE AGAIN, AND THIS TIME WILL BE FINAL!!!
Tom:[perks up] No more fan fics written by Doomie!?
Mike: I wouldn�t get my hopes up.
>THE END.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots breathing heavily.)
Big John: Whew! Made it!
Tom: I thought that fan fic would never end. Now, where were we?
Crow: We were practicing our barbershop quartet.
(They line up, and sing.)
All: [singing] We sing of nights and we/ Sing of life. We sing of rights and we/ Sing of life. To all those who love true/ We know just what to do.
(The screen comes on, and we see Pearl and Bobo there, with the observer.)
Pearl: Well, how do we feel now? A little on the insane side, perhaps?
(Mike and the bots sing as to form a musical cord, in harmony with each other.)
Big John: [sings] No.
Mike: [sings] No.
Crow: [sings] No
Tom: [sings] No.
(Castle Forrester.)
Bobo: [sings, in his own little world] Tesla Girls/ Tesla girls.
Pearl: Shut up, Bobo!!
(SOL.)
Mike & the Bots: [singing] Pearl your plot has been foiled again/ That fan fic is bad but we�re far from going insane/
Mike: [sings while the bots harmonize behind him] You know you�ll never break us/ so why not let us go? And give up this plan to ruin the world....
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: ERGH!!! That was so happy, so cheery... I HATE IT!!!!
(SOL. Mike and the bots continue to sing some more.)
Mike: [sings while the bots harmonize behind him] You know you won�t win at this game/ We�ve seen the worst/ But we�re not insane/ You might as well give in/ And do something else bad/ Because you will always be sad.
(Castle Forrester.)
Pearl: STOP THAT DAMN SINGING!!!! You may have won this time, Mike Nelson, but I�ll be back - and when I come back, I�ll have something so foul, so wretched, that you won�t have a chance of surviving at all!!
*Metric users can substitute with a 5-meter penalty.
**Brits can substitute E.K. Heath and Spaniards can substitute the line �Did Juan Carlos get crowned?� Anyone else, you�re on your own.