MiST Fan Fiction: The Ultimate Battle.
MiST Fan Fiction:
"The Ultimate Battle"
Original by Victor Von Doom
MiST by Quamp and the Icehole.
The Dreaded Disclaimer
MiSTer’s Disclaimer: Sailor Moon and the Sailor scouts are owned by Nanoko Takeuchi. Doctor Doom is owned by Marvel comics. Lycos® is a registered trademark of the Carnagie Melon foundation. This fan fic is not for profit.
(SOL bridge. We see Big John, Tom, and Crow practicing their singing, in a barbershop style.)
All: [singing] We sing of life and we/ Sing of time/ We don’t know what/ Is the next line.
(Enter Mike.)
Mike: Hey guys, what are you doing? Tom: Oh, Hi Mike. We’re practicing for our chance at stardom. We’re forming a barbershop trio. Mike: Uh, shouldn’t that be a barbershop quartet? Big John: You want to join? Thought you’d never ask.
(Mike is apprehensive.)
Mike: I don’t know about this, guys. Crow: Come on, Mike. We need and alto and that’s what your vocal range is.
(Mike gives in.)
Mike: All right, I’ll do it. Big John: Hit it, gang! All: [singing] We sing of life and we/ Sing of time/ We have got the/ Perfect rhyme/ So listen to our song, and hear us tell our tale/ We hope that this record will sell.
(Enter Gypsy.)
Gypsy: What’s with all the noise? Tom: You philistine! That is the soothing melody of the Mike Nelson quartet. Crow: Yea, we’re going to have a recording contract soon, and when we do, the galaxy will be ours!
(Gypsy shakes her head.)
Gypsy: Aren’t you forgetting something? Tom: Which is...? Gypsy: You have to get off this satellite first.
(Mike and the bots are disheartened.)
Tom: Another promising career shot down in flames.
(Commercials. When we come back, We see Bobo and the Observer talking to Mike via the communicator.)
Observer: Well, how is life in hell? Mike: What do you want? Observer: Oh, we’ve got a story for you... a wonderful Sailor Moon crossover again. Big John: Oh God, not another one! Observer: And.... it was written by that wonderful writing disaster, Victor Von Doom as well. Mike: Sounds bad gang... I don’t know if we can make it this time.
(The observer pushes a button.)
Observer: Tough. Enjoy... or should I say, go insane...
(The fan fiction light comes on.)
Tom: AH! We’ve got fan fiction sign!!!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit in their seats.)
Crow: [parodying the Bud Ice commercial] Doomie Doomie do...
MiSTer’s note: All spelling and grammatical errors in the original are as they appear in the original.
Tom: This guy probably went to the same school Dan Quayle did.
>The Ultimate Battle
>By Victor Von Doom
>PART1
>THE BETRAYAL
Crow: This fan fic betrays the trust we have that fan fics will be of high quality.
>Now Sailor Moon!
Big John: Your parents aren’t looking! Let me - Mike: Wait awhile for that, Big John.
>Lunar healing! Action
Big John: [sings] When I get this feeling/ Of sexual healing - Mike: I said wait on that.
>Tuxedo Mask was able to distract the creature allowing Sailor Moon to use the Silver Crystal to restore the creature to his human form
Crow: He distracted him with the latest issue of Playboy! Mike: Crow, it’s too early for that! Big John: Oh, it’s never too early for that.
>Good job Sailor Scouts, nowit’s time to go
Crow: They’re having a sale at Macy’s Tokyo! It’s going to be a riot! We need someone there for crowd control.
>Then Tuxedo Mask lefted the area, after this the Sailor Scouts moved to a deserted alley to transform to their normal selves, what they didn’t noticed was a metal bird who was above them recording everything that happened that afternoon.
Crow: Those pesky metal birds! They’re always leaving those metal droppings everywhere!
>Then the girls returned to their respective homes and the bird headed towards a mountain located in central Asia in a country known as Latveria , his destiny was a manor named Doomstadt home of the ruler of that country Victor Von Doom better known as Dr. Doom.- A servant let him know of the arrival of his bird
Tom: Funny, I thought Latveria was in Eastern Europe. Crow: So did I. Big John: Hmm... let me get my portable Handbook to the Marvel Universe in a notebook computer.
>-My lord your search falcon returned, it looks like this time it found something useful
Crow: A way to automatically oil your armor and keep it from rusting? Tom: A way out of this fan fic? Mike: A way to get some decent writing to us? Big John: No! It’s a babe that will actually give you a hum job!
>-Bring it here at once
>-Yes my lord
(Exit Big John.)
Tom: For I’ve rusted over again and can’t move!
>Moments later he returned with the bird and pressed a button in the back of it, this activated a projection device that showed him everything that happened a day earlier
Tom: [as an old man] When you get my age, sonny, you have to record everything because you forget it all.
>-Outstanding, finally I found
Crow: A babe that will give me a hum job! Bring her to me at once! Mike: Not quite.
>the jewel I have been looking for
(Reenter Big John.)
Tom: [sings] Who will save your soul? From those lies that you told boy. Crow: [sings] My hands, they are quite small/ But they’re not yours/ They are my own. Big John: Jewel gives hum jobs? Mike: It’s not that Jewel.
>-Are you sure My Lord
Tom: After all, she’s gotten kinda whiny since she became a junkie. Mike: How can you tell that? Crow: Just look at her, Mike. It’s pretty obvious that she’s doing drugs.
>-Yes, all these years I been looking for a jewel which has a power similar to my emerald, so I could have enough power to take over the world.
Big John: Take over the world, take over the world. You wouldn’t know what to do with the world even if you had it. Crow: It’s always take over the world. why can’t they have a little variety here? How about taking over just the continent of Africa? Or taking over Just the state of New Jersey for once? Tom: Would you want to be ruler of all New Jersey? Crow: Well, now that you mention it...
>- Find out more about them, especially the blue haired one, she looks to be the smartest one of the group, maybe I can get her to help me
Big John: [as Doom] And she looks the most willing to - Mike: Big John, this is family entertainment.
>-I will do so at once sir
Big John: Then afterwards, can I get her to give me a hum job? Mike: *SIGH*... it’s not that Jewel, Big John...
>Then he lefted the area and headed towards the laboratory to talk to the scientist about the orders of Dr. Doom
Crow: A double cheeseburger combination meal, you want to gargantuan size that for 33 1/3 ¢ more?
>-My Lord wants to find out more about these girls Silvermane, create another search
Tom: Just use Lycos®. It can find almost anything. Mike: Can it find us a way off this station? Tom: I said almost anything.
>-I got one right here, this little bug has a microphone in it, if we can put it in one of the girls then we can get the information our lord wishes to have
Big John: Hum jobs forever!! Mike: No, no, no. Big John: What’s the matter, haven’t you ever had a hum job before? Mike: Well, yea... and it was all right... Big John: Then admit it, you like sex. Mike: I never said I didn’t. It’s just that you go overboard with it all the time and push our ratings from G to PG-13.
>Then they sended the iron Falcon to Tokyo with another mission: Locate the Sailor Scouts and put the bug on Ami
Tom: Iron Falcon? They sent Jamal Anderson* to plant a bug on Sailor Mercury? Mike: Not that kind of falcon, Tom.
>Meanwhile the girls where in the Cherry Hill Temple, having some tea and cakes
Crow: No, no, I said Long Island iced tea and marijuana cakes!
>-So Serena, how were you in the test today
>Asked Ami
Big John: Well, I did the best hummer I could, but the professor said I needed to work on my technique still... Mike: It’s a written test, Big John, not an oral one.
>-Well...I...uh...you know...It...was a little hard and -
Big John: Long, and uh... well, I just couldn’t stop myself from- Mike: [interrupts] Well, I’m stopping you right now.
>-You failed again didn’t you?, I told you to study, but nooo, you went to the arcade to play all afternoon
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] But I couldn’t stop myself! They had Mortal Combat vs. Dark Stalkers MXVIIII!
>-Wahhhhhh!! I don’t like to study and now you’re mean like Rye with me!!!
Mike: [as Sailor Moon, crying] I wanted Wheat bread, but you had to give me Rye!
>-Take it easy will ya, can’t you do anything better than cry
>Added Lita
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] No... we’re trapped in a horrific fan fiction...
>Luna and Artemis arrived to the scene
>-What is going on here?
Crow: It’s an Amway convention! Run for your lives!! Big John: And they’re a bunch of Quantum Leap People! They’re even worse! All: RUN FOR IT!!!!!!
>-Serena failed in a test again
>Answered Rei
Big John: Now her only hope of passing is to sleep with her teacher! Crow: Certainly would make finals interesting. Mike: Her teacher is NOT Mary Kay LeTorneau.
>-As usual.
>Was Luna’s response.
Tom: You’d think that the leader of the Sailor Scouts would be good academically. Crow: They should have a no pass, no play rule. Big John: Well, if they weren’t constantly having to stop Queen Beryl and company, maybe they could get some studying done.
>-You look tense, why don’t you go out to the park and have some air.
>Suggested Artemis
Crow: [as Artemis] After all, air here cost 2 yen a minute!
>-Good idea, maybe what we need is to take some air.
>Added Lita.
Big John: [sings] I will begin a regimen of strict bathing daily, brushing my teeth after every meal, and daily workouts. This will lead me into the next millenium. I will no longer deny my inner child. I will get in touch with all the feelings I have repressed. Even the ones that will get me arrested. Mike: Doesn’t surprise me. Big John: No, no, that’s a song by the Dead Milkmen. All but Big John: Who???? Big John: Never mind.
>With this in mind the girls lefted the temple and headed towards the park.
Mike: [sings] Don’t go in the park at night....
>- Someone else was around too, it was Doom’s falcon who founded the girls in the park and followed them until they stopped to take a sit in the grass.
Crow: Then suddenly they all stood up at the same time! “Ugh! This grass was recently watered!” Sailor Uranus shouted.
>- Seeing this the robot opened a small door in his chest allowing the bug to crawl out of it and then moments later crawl into Amy’s sweater.- After a few minutes of fun and games every one went home.
Big John: It crawled down Amy’s sweater and got a good look at her - Mike: No, no, no.
>THREE MONTHS LATER
Tom: That one little bug had multiplied into thousands, and the Sailor Scouts were up to their necks in bugs!
>In Doomstadt Dr. Doom decided that it was time to start his master plan to get the Silver Crystal.
>-Prepare my ship, I’m going to Tokyo
>He ordered
Big John: And find me a geisha that will- Mike: Wrong.
>-Yes my lord
>Moments later Doom lefted in his ship “THE DEATH MESSENGER” and headed towards Japan.-
At the same time the girls were in their way home after school.
Crow: They lead full lives as heroines and students, it makes you wonder when they have time for love.
>-What a day
>Serena shouted
Crow: Strange that she would shout something without exclamation points. Tom: Doom’s never been big on punctuation. Big John: [as Sailor Moon] I had to give that teacher a hum job to keep from failing the course! Mike: And the worst part about it is, you liked it.
>-What do you mean? It was a normal day for me.
>Answered Ami.
Crow: [as Ami] I gave out a bunch of “favors” to my teachers again.
>-Every day is a normal day to you genius.
>Replied Mina.
Tom Yea, study hard, have tea at the Cherry Hills Temple, then go off and blow away some bad guy... after awhile, it gets pretty routine.
>Then Amy went home and the rest of the girls continued their way.- What she didn’t expect to see was the visitor that was waiting for her at home.
Big John: He was a tall, dark man who said “Hey little girl, want a piece of candy?” Mike: Just say no, people...
>-Well I’m home at last, now I’ll prepare something to eat and..
Crow: then I’ll jump on the net and surf to some sites. Big John: [sings] Cyberporn/ Cyberporn/ Don’t you know I’m really torn/ I shouldn’t look but I can’t stop/ Picturing them with me on top. Mike: *SIGH*....
>-Welcome home Amy Anderson.
Crow: [sings] Welcome to the jungle/ We got fun and games Big John: I wouldn’t mind playing some games with some of the Sailor Scouts. Tom: Ha! The only game you’re any good at is hide the salami. Big John: It’s the only game really worth playing.
>She saw a 67’ men in a silver armor and a green cape
Big John: Funny, the Handbook of the Marvel Universe says Doom’s only 6’2” Tom: Must be wearing his platform armor. Crow: Then how could he fit into that house? Even vaulted ceilings are only about 30’ high. 67’ would make him almost 8 stories tall! Mike: Well, he can’t get anything else right so far.
>-Who are you and what are you doing in my house?
Mike: Parents: Teach this to your children now: When a stranger is in the home, go call 911!
>-Allow me to present myself, I’m Victor Von Doom ruler of Latveria, I’m here to ask you
Big John: For one of your famous hum jobs. Mike: No, it’s How do I get out of this fan fic?
>for your help in my quest to conquer the world
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] Oh, God, not another one of you “take over the world” nutcases. Man, if I had a nickel for every one of you psychos out there, I’d be rich beyond the dreams of avarice.
>-Me? How could I help you, I’m just a girl with no power at all
Big John: Not true. According to the boys, you give one of the best hum jobs in the world. Mike: Big John, that was the last Fan fic we did.
>-Come on Amy, or should I call you Sailor Mercury?
Tom: “What’s in a name, anyway? Would not a rose by any other name smell as sweet?”
>Amy was shocked, she never heard of this man but he knew her secret identity, she decided to lie.
Crow: Liar, liar, pants on fire, hanging off the telephone wire!
>-I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m not Sailor Mercury. I don’t even know who she is.
Tom: Well, how many other blue haired teenagers are there?
>-Indeed, then tell me why do you posses this.
Big John: Doom opened Sailor Mercury’s purse and pulled out a box of condoms and some contraception pills! Mike: [coldly] Which Doom had in his hands all the time.
>Using his telekinetic powers he got Amy’s transformation pen out of her purse.
Tom: Since when did Doctor Doom have telekinesis? Big John: Must be a “reinvented” Doctor Doom. Mike: Man, those guys at Marvel expect you to swallow anything. And even worse, the fan fic writers are following suit!
>-That’s a gift a friend of mine gave me
Big John: I... uh... gave him this great hum job, and - Mike: No.
>-If so then take it with your right hand, lift it and say this words “Mercury power make up”.
Crow: Hey, you’re into that kinky stuff, hm? Well, alright...
>(Note from the author: I’m working on the basis that the Sailor Scouts need to lift the pen with their right hand in order to make it work)
Tom: What? You throw away continuity in the last piece, then you pick it up again!? If you’re gonna screw it up, keep it screwed up!!
>She knew that it was stupid to keep liying and transformed in front of DOOM.
Mike: [monotone] Oh my, you’ve found me out!
>-O.K. Now tell me what you want from me.
Big John: [as Doom]A hum job would be a good start, then I’d see about getting you and that hot babe Sailor Venus in bed at the same time. Mike: [as Sailor Mercury] We don’t do that here.
>-I been studying you and your friends for a long time and I know how unfair your friends are with you, they keep you in the team because your smart, they don’t like you because you don’t have any fighting
skills, because you don’t have the strength of Jupiter or the guts of mars or the beauty of Venus, but I want you to help me get the Silver Crystal so you and I could rule the world, your genius and mine combined are a winning combination.
Crow: My, this sentence run-on for a good while. Big John: You hot bod and big mounds are winners in my book! Mike: Big John, women do not like being referred to as sex objects. Tom: And how would you know that?
>-Your a liar, my friends like me for what I am not for what I got, and be sure of one thing I’m not going to help you!
Big John: Of course, your boyfriend likes you because of your big - Crow: Sailor Mercury doesn’t have a boyfriend.
>-Is that so, let me show you what you’re friends did today after they left you here.
Big John: They gave the boys a - Mike: [interrupts] Slap in the face.
>Using his telekinetic powers again he showed Mercury the scene that took place minutes after her departure.
Big John: [holds up a dictionary] Let’s see here... Telekinesis... telar, tele... ah, here we go. “The act of moving an object with one’s mind, using will power alone to accomplish this.” So how could he have done that to show her that?
>-So now that we got rid of the Bookworm let’s go and have some fun
>-You’re right Serena, now there is no one to spoil the fun.
>Answered Mina
Mike: Except for that darned Victor Von Doom character who keeps writing these things!
>-I agree with you girls Amy is the most boring person I have ever met, remember the time when we went to that love cruise? Going with her was my worst mistake, Next time I’ll go with Serena so I can have some fun.
Big John: And not only that, the guys she goes with complain she doesn’t do oral! Mike: [coldly] Good for her.
>Amy couldn’t hold the tears on her eyes.
Crow: After all, her hands are far better designed to hold things. Tom: [As Sailor Mercury] Oh God! I’m trapped in terrible fan fiction!! Oh, won’t someone please stop people from putting us in the Marvel Universe!?
>-STOP IT! STOP IT! This is not true, you’re making this up aren’t you!
Crow: [as Doom] Well, o.k., I’m making it up. Big John: I did it for one of your hum jobs.
>-I’m not. What you see is the truth, I win nothing with lies.
Tom: Amy, remember what your parents said about going off with strangers... Big John: Let’s see here... he’s temporarily controlled the Silver Surfer’s power cosmic, gotten himself a kingdom in Eastern Europe, and fought numerous foes to a standstill, all with lying and cheating.
>-I....It can’t be...all I did for them...and this is what I get..
Mike: Goes to show, sometimes when you think you know someone, they turn around and do something like this...
>-Come with me and you will be respected,
Crow [sings] Come on home girl/ He said with a smile/ You don’t have to love me/ And let’s get high awhile/ But try to understand/ Try to understand/ Try, try, try to understand/ I’m a magic man. Tom: Don’t do it! The guy’s one of those love-them-and-leave-them types!
>If you help me I will made you my queen and nobody will ever insult you again.
Mike: Except, of course, me, you bloated cow!
>With some doubts Amy accepted.
Mike: [as Sailor Mercury] I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t for those doubts. That really clenched it for me. I mean, nobody can resist those doubts.
>-I’ll get the crystal for you. Meet me in the park tomorrow at 5:00 p.m.
Big John: [sings] I’m gonna hang out in the park/ Hang out after dark/ I’m gonna beeeeee with the gang tonight.
>-So be it.
Mike: [as an angelic voice from on high] It is done, my brethren. Now, go undo it.
>The next day when the girls where going back home from school they noticed that Amy was unusually silent.
Crow: That Doom jerk stole her voice!
>-Are you O.K. Amy?
>Asked Serena
Mike: [as Sailor Mercury] Of course not. I’m in this fan fic, am I not?
>-I’m O.K., could you come to my house for a minute Serena?
>-Of course what’s up?
>-I’ll tell you when we get there.
Tom: I’ve got this new friend to show you... Big John: And he said something about a hum job...
>Moments later Serena and Amy where alone in the living room of Amy’s home.
Big John: [as Sailor Mercury] Now, while nobody looks, we can share in our forbidden love for each other. Mike: No, no, no.
>-Serena could you please show me the Silver Crystal?
>-What for?
All but Big John: No! Don’t do it! Big John: Don’t even bother, guys. The plot would fall apart if she didn’t do it. Tom: Plot? What plot?
>-I just want to see it.
Big John: Well, I show it to you if you - Mike: No, no, that one is too easy.
>-O.K. Here.
Crow: Bad idea, everyone.
>Having the Crystal in her hands Amy transformed.
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury as Angelica of the Rugrats] It’s mine and you can’t have it!!
>-Mercury Power! Make Up!
Mike: Man, she uses magic to fix her makeup. I bet if we could bottle that, we’d make a mint.
>Serena was supprised
>-Wha..what is going on here?
Mike: [Bogart accent] You’ve been played for a sap, angel.
>-Mercury bubbles! Blast!
All: Tiny bubbles/ In the wine/ Make me happy/ Make me feel fine.
>-I can’t see a thing, why are you doing this!
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] Help me Serena! I’m being manipulated by a power mad writer with delusions of grandeur!
>At the same time the rest of the girls where about to knock on the door to gave Serena a book she dropped minutes before but they were shocked when they saw Amy coming out of the house transformed into Sailor Mercury with the Silver Crystal in her hands.
>-Rye you and the others who inside and find out what is going on here I’ll go after Amy.
>Ordered Lita
Tom: Ham and Swiss on rye, order up!
>She followed Amy to the park, and she was horrified when she saw her giving the Crystal to Doom.
>-What are you doing!! Did you lost your mind?
Crow: Well, she did have to memorize this story in advance. Mike: Well, all indications are, the writer has...
>-I don’t want to see any of you ever again!! And tell Serena that the bookworm is smarter than she is!!
Big John: [as Sailor Mercury] And my hum jobs are far better than hers! Mike: Big John, cut it out.
>-What are you talking about?
Big John: Well, a hum job is where you- Mike: [interrupts] We don’t need details.
>But before she could answer both were lifted by a light beam emanated from the Death Messenger.
Crow: Your message is: The Japanese equivalent to the IRS has a few questions about your last tax return. Big John: Egads! That’s a fate worse than death!
>Meanwhile at Amy’s house.
Mike: Nothing was going on, since Amy left the place.
>-Serena, what happened here?
>Asked Rye
Tom: We’ve still got that ham and Swiss on rye here... it’s getting cold...
>-I don’t know Amy asked me for the Silver Crystal and then when I gave it to her she transformed and used her powers against me.
Tom: “Never trust a woman or an automatic rifle” - John Dillinger.
>-Why would she do something like that?
>-I think I know Mina.
Crow: PMS? Tom: Bad hair day? Mike: She broke a nail? Big John: She caught her boyfriend in bed with Sailor Uranus? Mike: Big John!
>-Lita! Where is Amy?
Crow: [as Lita] It’s terrible, Serena. She’s become an Amway distributor! Big John: And then she joined Quantum Leap!
>-She gave the Crystal to a men in a silver armor
Crow: I would have stopped her, but this darned double vision of mine made me jump at the wrong guy!
>and then both where transported to a ship that was above them.- I don’t know how she found out about what we said before we got back here.
Tom: They’ve given her telepathy. Big John: Does that make her a dark Sailor Mercury?
>-What? You don’t mean all that stuff about her being a bookworm or a boring person, do you?
Crow: Sometimes, words hit as hard as a fist.
>-I’m afraid so Serena, now we must find her and get these things clear.
Tom: [as Lita] This darned acne keeps breaking out over and over. I can’t get rid of it.
>Luna and Artemis arrived moments later.
>-What is this all about, we were waiting for you at the temple, uh..where is Amy?
> Asked Luna
Crow: She’s run off to join the circus! Mike: She’s become an Amway distributor! Big John: She’s become a Quantum Leap distributor! Tom: No... it’s the worst fate of all! Mike: What is that? Tom: She’s become a writer for Marvel Comics. All but Tom: My God! I wouldn’t wish that on anyone!
>-She betrayed us, she gave the Silver Crystal to a men in a silver armor, an hour ago.
Crow: Must have been Madrox, the multiple man!
>-WHAT!! Why did she do that?
Big John: He said he knew a way to give a woman a hum job, so she took it! Mike: Can the hum job thing, Big John.
>-Wait a minute Luna, Lita please describe this man in the armor.
Tom: Well, he’s kinda sorta tall, kinda sorta metallic and kinda sorta psychotic. You follow me? Mike: Kinda sorta.
>-Well, He was about 67’ and was wearing a metal mask and a green cape.
Big John: Funny, Handbook says he’s 6’2” in his armor. Crow: Close enough for government work.
>-Did he look like this?
>Artemis showed her a picture of Dr. Doom
Crow: Where did she get a picture of Doctor Doom? Tom: Just go to Latveria... they’re everywhere.
>-Yes that’s the man, that lefted with Amy.
Mike: Too bad Amy was right handed.
>-God allmighty were in serious trouble
Mike: We’re trapped in this fan fic with no way out!
>that’s Dr. Doom ruler of Latveria, the legend is true, he indeed exists.
Tom: [announcer voice] Victor Von Doom, the man, the myth, the legend, coming next Wednesday to a PBS station near you.
>-Ruler of where?
>Asked Serena
Tom: Man, someone didn’t pay attention in geography class. Crow: Well, the majority of American high school students couldn’t find the U.S.A. on a world map.
>-Latveria is a country located in central Asia, closer to the Tibet.- I thought it was a legend but now I know that it is not.
>Artemis continued.
Big John: Gee, I always thought that Latveria was in Eastern Europe near Hungary and Serbia... I’m glad Vic here corrected me on that. At least that’s what my handy-dandy portable Handbook tells me.
>-Dr. Doom possesses a jewel with a power similar to the Silver Crystal, this jewel is an emerald known as the “Dragon’s egg” but if he combines the power of the Silver Crystal and the Dragon’s egg there will be nothing that can stop him.
>Luna couldn’t hold her anger.
Tom: So she dropped it on the ground where it broke into tiny pieces.
>-Now all of you tell me why did Amy give the Crystal to him!
Big John: She lost it in a game of five card stud! Mike: And I suppose next you're going to have her smoking cigars and drinking.
>-Were not sure, but I think that somehow she found out about something we said after she left, but we were jocking, we never meant anything.
Crow: Jocking? Man, just when you think you know a character... Big John: In the immoral words of Deadpool, “Holy Crying Game, Fatman!”*
>-Next time think before you talk, now look what you did, the World is in terrible danger
thanks to all of you.
Tom: [sings] Thank you Bosnia/ thank you Israel/ thank you Northern Ireland/ thank you/ thank you/ thank you!
>Meanwhile in Doomstadt.
Mike: The annual kick-a-peasant day was starting...
>-Well Amy, you have been a good girl by given me the Crystal.- Now I must prepare my troops to attack Tokyo and start my quest for the Earth.- Now as for you ! Guards take her to the torture room! !I want to know all about her and her friends!
>-It was a lie!
Big John: You’ve got one so small I’d need an electron microscope to see it! Mike: Big John! That’s getting old now.
>You made me betray my friends! !You’re a monster! !Mercury bubbles blast!
Big John: And you can kiss that hum job goodbye, you fat swine!!
>Amy created a huge cloud that blocked the view of the guards but not the view of Doom
>-I’m sorry Amy but I don’t need to see you to stop you!!
Crow: I can smell that breath of yours from a mile away! Tom: It was the combination of garlic and sardines that did it.
>Using the enhanced view system of his armor Dr. Doom saw Amy’s location and firing a laser blast she made Amy fall to her knees leaving her defenseless.
Big John: [as Doom] Now you will give me that hum job or die! Mike: Big John!
>-”Oh, how tedious. I fear your nuisance forces me to retract my magnanimous offer to let you live.”
Mike: Terribly nice of him to want her to live in a dungeon being tortured for the rest of her life. Big John: [as Doom] You could have avoided this by giving me that hum job to start with.
>Then the guards take her to the torture room and used electric shocks to make her talk.- After an hour of sufferment her body was bleeding and she was hanging from two chains, she felt the pain of the chains in her shoulders and arms.
Big John: [sings] hm hm hm hm/ Whips and chains!
>Meanwhile the Sailor Scouts were in the Cherry Hill Temple when a voice came from a television receiver located in the other room.
Tom: [also mimicking white noise behind his voice] *Bzzzt* Calling Sailor Moon, are you receiving? Over.
>“I have granted you Sailor Moon one week to surrender to the rule of Doom - or your friend will die!!!”
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] I dunno, should we really keep her? Tom: [as random Sailor] Well, she does work cheap.
>The girls watched Amy in sufferment in Doom’s torture room.
Big John: [as a random Sailor] Oh my God! No makeup! No padded chairs! How is Amy/Ami going to survive?
>-No Amy!!
>-Don’t worry about me, I deserve this. Ahhhhh!!.. pu..nish..ment.. for what I ahhhhh did.
All: Masochist!
>Then she fainted.
Crow: Because this guard here hasn’t washed in weeks! All but Crow: EEUUUGGHHH!!!
>Part 2
>DOOM SERVICE
Crow: Doom Service... when you absolutely, positively have to take over the world overnight.
>When the Sailor Scouts saw Ami in trouble they decided that they didn’t had a choice and that if they wanted to save Amy they must move quickly, one of them disagree.
Big John: [as John Davidson] Sorry, the celebrity was telling the truth. X gets the square. Tom: [as Random Sailor] I thought her name was Amy! Or is it Ami? I am confused.
>- I think that we must leave her suffer for her treason.
>Everyone stared at Lita.
Crow: After all, Lita was dressed in leather, and playing a mean metal guitar. Mike: Wrong Lita, Crow.
>Serena couldn’t hold herself and holded Lita by her blouse.
Tom: [as Sailor Moon] Quick! Tell me where the nearest bathroom is!
>-What!!!! Is that the way you show your friendship to Amy, you’re a monster like the one who’s hurting her, she is suffering a terrible pain and the only thing you could say is that we should leave her there?
Big John: [as Lita] It was just a suggestion...
>She was so mad that she didn’t noticed that she was choking Lita.
(Crow, Tom and Big John make cat hisses and screeches.)
Tom: Kinda reminds me of that movie we did awhile back, Manos: The Hands of Fate. Mike: I don’t remember that one. Crow: It was before your time, Mike.
Mike: I should say the same of this fan fic! It’s strangling good fiction everywhere.
>-You’re nothing but scum Lita, If you don’t want to help her then you can consider yourself out of the team, were all for one and one for...
Big John: Come on! I want hair pulling and eye scratching!! Mike: Can’t we all just get along?
>She couldn’t finish Rei and Mina broke them apart
All but Mike: Ah! Boo! Boo!
>Lita falled to her knees,
Mike: Not a peep out of you three. Big John: Peep. Mike: *Sigh...*
>while the others where trying to hold Serena away from her, then Lita stood up and walked towards her.
Tom: Yea, hold her down so I can get a good shot at her. Big John: S&M? Mike: Not quite.
>-If that is what you want, then here is your stupid pen back, I never liked traitors, so if your attitude is that then I’m leaving.
Tom: Good Riddance! Crow: Yea, we don’t need you!
>Mina tried to make her stay.
Tom: After all, she does work cheap.
>-Wait a minute Lita, what about our friendship?
Crow: What about those lonely nights we- Mike: Don’t follow Big John’s example. Big John: What example? He was that way before I met him.
>Why don’t you calm down a little bit and think about what you said?
Mike: You should listen to that, Big John. Big John: Come on, I represent all those horny men out there who would kill for a chance to have Sailor Moon in bed with them.
>-I told you already, I don’t
Big John: Give hum jobs to guys I don’t like! Mike: Not quite.
>like traitors, if she is going to save her then I quit, good bye.
Crow: [as Lita] This is it! I’m going over the wall and getting out of this fan fic! Are you with me!?
>Then she lefted the temple and headed towards her apartment.- Meanwhile in the temple Rei, Serena and Mina were planing what to do to rescue Amy.
Crow: Rei has been turned into a temple? Big John: There’s a common metaphor for one’s body being a temple. Mike: And yours has a big blasphemer for a mouth.
>-The first thing we must do is locate Doom’s manor and get there to save Amy.
Tom: [Hick accent] Wellp, you go down the road a spell, then take a left by the old church, then keep goin’ to your right fer awhile, then when you get to Pappy O’Daniel’s barn, you make a right and then you’ll see it from there. Now, be sure not to go ask Pappy fer directions, he’ll get you more lost than an Arab in a synagogue.
>-But Luna, without Amy how are we going to locate that place?
Crow: After all, she is the smart one of the bunch.
>-I know a way to that place.
>Answered Artemis
Tom: Didn’t they say they thought this place was a myth a few minutes ago? Big John: Sure did. Crow: I think I’ve got it! Doom is on drugs!
>-You ? How do you know it?
Big John: [as Artemis] Well, one night my boyfriend and I were sitting on the couch together, and then - Mike: No, not that, Big John. Tom: Hit the deck! It’s a long run-on sentence!
(Mike and the bots duck beneath the chairs.)
>-Before the destruction of the moon Kingdom there was a scientist known as Victor Von Doom, he was the best, and it was presumed that he helped the Dark Kingdom to attack us back then, a few weeks ago I heard
about a manor located in central Asia and I decided to take a look, when I got there I saw in one of the doors the symbol of the Von Doom family, I thought that it was just a similarity until now.
Mike: Whew... thanks for the warning, Tom. Tom: Is it safe to come out now? Big John: Is it ever safe to come out in any of these fan fics we get from Pearl?
>-So if you know how to get there we must get on our way.
>Ordered Serena.
Tom: [as a greasy spoon cook] Alright, we got your order here: Bacon, eggs, French Toast, sausage and ham. Mike: I think my cholesterol jumped a few notches just hearing that.
>Meanwhile in Doomstadt
Crow: An irrelevant sub-plot was starting.
>-The first part of my plan was successful, now I must start the second one.
Big John: I have gotten that hum job from Amy; now its the rest of the Sailor Scouts’ turns.
>Doom headed towards the torture room where Amy had been tortured hours ago, once there he ordered his guards to free her from the chains that where holding her against the wall.- She looked terrible,
Mike: Well, wouldn’t you if you were stuck in this fan fic?
>part of his uniform was burned by the electricity shocks she received, while her wrists were bleeding due to the pressure of the chains.- She was barely aware of the presence of Doom, then he used his mental
powers to erase all her memories of
Big John: His forcing himself on her, and making her give him hum jobs and - Mike: That’s really getting old now, Big John. Big John: Hey, unlike violence, sex can be done without people getting hurt. Crow: “Part of his uniform was burned by the electricity shocks she received”... I think they left Sailor Mercury in the oven too long... Tom: Maybe it’s something we don’t know about Amy...or is it Ami? Mike: Maybe Amy’s a woman, and Ami’s a man? Crow: Who does s/he think s/he is, Tireseas?***
>her past life and then he ordered her guards to take her to a room he prepared for her and order them to dress her with some cloths he got ready as well.
Big John: After all, we don’t have any clothes that fit, so we just took a couple of loose sheets and threw them over Sailor Mercury.
>Two hours later Amy awaked in a room with blue walls with pictures of her fighting the Sailor Scouts.
Crow: And Sailor Mercury said: “Man, this artist is terrible! Not only is he bad in writing, this drawing looks like a 3 year old did it.”
>-Where am I?
Tom:: In an Amway convention! Run for your life!! Big John: And there’s a Quantum Leap convention in the same hotel! It’s a nightmare come true!
>-You’re home my queen.
Big John: Since this fan fic’s a bore, does that make her a drag queen? Mike: No.
>-Queen? I don’t understand, who are you?
Crow: He’s Amway! Run for your life!
>Then she saw herself in a mirror, she was wearing a blue dress with diamonds and other jewels.
Crow: And she thought “God, blue makes me look soooo overweight!”
>-You’re Amy my Queen and I’m Dr. Victor Von Doom ruler of Latveria.
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] This is a joke, right? I’m on Candid Camera, right?
>-Who are the people I’m fighting in this pictures?
Tom: [as Doom] They are the enemy. They sell Amway too. But I will outsell them with your help! Big John: [as Doom] All you have to do for my Quantum Leap plan to succeed is tell people you lost weight with the Lifetrim system...
>-They are our enemies and they want to take over the world, they’re on their way here to attack us, so we have to be ready for them.
Crow: [as Doom] But we’ll take over the world first.
>In the meantime Serena and the others now transformed into the Sailor Scouts were on their way to the manor, they used their power to teleport to a mountain near the manor, then they climbed the mountain until
they were just meters away from the front door.
Crow: Why didn’t they just teleport straight into the place?
>-My lord Sailor Moon and the other Sailor Scouts have arrived.
Big John: [as Doom] Excellent! We can have an orgy now! Mike: Sorry, no.
>-Very well, send the first squadron to test them.
Big John: [as Doom] We have to see how good in bed they are. Crow: [as Doom] and if they have any STDs. Mike: Cut it out, both of you.
>-Yes my lord.
>-Outside.
Big John: [as Doom] After all, sex inside has gotten boring of late. Mike: And your riffs have gotten monotonous of late.
>-O.K. girls let’s go, we must be careful now, we can be attacked any minute now.
Tom: If you say something like that, chances are it will happen in the next sentence.
>Suddenly dozens of soldiers with black and green uniforms surrounded the girls.
Tom: Ha! I was right. Mike: Utterly predictable.
>-What is this? Where trapped!
>Screamed Sailor Moon
Mike: [As Doom] Yes! You’re trapped - trapped in terrible fan fiction!! Big John: And I won’t let you go until you - Mike: Stop right there! Big John: I was going to say bought my quota of Quantum leap products.
>-Not if we can do something about it !FIRE OF MARS! !IGNITE!
Mike: You know, something I don’t quite understand here. Since Mars is a cold planet with ice on it, why does Sailor Mars have power over fire? Tom: You have to shut your mind down when you read these things.
>-!VENUS CRECENT BEAM! !BLAST!
Mike: ?Why do they have the punctuation at the beginning of the sentence and the end? Tom: .Dunno, Mike. !Must be some weird quirk of Doom’s!
>In seconds the attack of both Sailor Scouts destroyed half of the squadron that Doom sended to test them, while the rest runned away in panic.
Mike: Get the feeling that Victor Von Doom’s first language isn’t English? Crow: It’s more like his 16th or 17th one.
>-My lord, our soldiers were destroyed by the Sailor Scouts.
Tom: [As Doom] Curses! That’s the last time I hire soldiers from Achmed’s discount soldiers for hire!
>-As I thought it would be, very well, allow them to enter the manor and get here.
Big John: [as Doom] I relish a challenge. The more spirited they are, the better it is to break them.
>-But sir, isn’t this dangerous?
Big John: Only if you don’t use a condom and spermacides. Mike: That’s not what he’s talking about!
>-I ORDERED YOU TO ALLOW THEM TO GET HERE AND NOT TO TELL ME IF WHAT I DO IS DANGEROUS OR NOT!! NOW DO AS I ORDER!!!
(Mike and the bots grab their ears.)
Tom: Gee, a little louder, I don’t think they heard you in Siberia, Doom. Mike: Yea, some of us do still have our hearing.
>Terrified by the display of anger of his master he obeyed his order without hesitation.- At the same time Amy entered the room.
Mike: Hmm... you mean if I was a petty tyrant all the time, you three would obey me?
[in a rough, he-man voice] You will stop constantly referring to sex at once! Big John: No.
>-What is going on in here my dear?
Big John: He wouldn’t buy my Lifespan system pack for Quantum Leap! I had to use extreme sales techniques!
>-Nothing my sweet Queen, its just that the mean Sailor Scouts are here and they want to destroy us.
Crow: [As Doom] Not much, just a bunch of powerful girls who could ruin everything and return your memories are coming to bring me down. Don’t worry. Big John: Yea, just go back to giving me that hum job.
>-Don’t worry I’ll take care of them personally, I have a score to settle with them.
Big John: [As Doom] Nobody says no to the Lord of Latveria! When I ask for group sex, I get it!
>Doom’s work was starting to show it’s results, he brainwashed Ami and putted in her mind a different story, a story that made Amy think that Serena and the others were her enemies and that she was married
to him for a long time.
Mike: He liked her so much he got her out of this fan fic? Crow: If only she was so lucky.
>- Then Amy transformed using his a new pen (it was her old pen but Doom modify it using the power of the Dragon’s egg to give her new and enhanced powers)
Tom: Nice of him to be into recycling. Mike: Just like the other Doom is into recycling worn-out plotlines.
>she looked totally different, his uniform was green ,
Crow: So why does the picture he have of her as the “dark” Sailor Mercury have her with a black uniform? Mike: I think doom’s been reading one too many Marvel comic books of late.
>the only blue part of it was her ribbon, then she headed towards the garden to face her former friends.
Tom: I wish Doom would get his pronouns right. Big John: I think he writes by taping words to a dart board then throwing darts at it.
>Serena and the others were in the garden, when they saw Amy coming towards them, Serena runned towards her attempting to hug her but before she could get any closer Amy attacked the other Scouts using her newfound power.
Tom: [as Sailor Mercury] That’ll teach you to do me wrong!
>-!ICE BLAST! !ACTION!
Crow: [as Sailor Mercury] I’m giving you the cold shoulder!
>Before Serena could do something Sailor Venus and Sailor Mars were frozen along with Luna and Artemis.
Tom: This fan fic leaves me cold.
>-Why are you doing this? We are your friends!
Crow: [as Sailor Mercury] You won’t buy my Amway products! Therefore, I’m going to have to force you into buying!
>-Liar!! You want to destroy me and my husband, I’ll protect my kingdom with my life if I need to!
Crow: You went and married him? Man, you are sick.
>-What are you talking about? What husband? What Kingdom are you protecting? What is going on here?
Big John: [sings] Who, what, where, when and why/ Day!
>-I’m not here to answer any questions! I’m here to destroy you and your friends!!
Crow: It’s always the same thing, destroy the good guys, kill the good guys, why can’t we have something different for a change?
>-!JUPITER THUNDER! !CRASH!
Mike: .There’s that punctuation at the beginning and ending of each sentence again. Crow: .Doom must have bought his punctuation in bulk, and he’s trying to use all of it.
>A lighting bolt flew trough the air
Tom: And then members of the International Hurling Society came in and said “Excuse me, we’ve lost out trough. Have you seen it?
>and hitted Amy in the chest making her hit a wall and fall down almost knocked out.
Big John: In the chest!? Man, what a way to waste a good set of hooters. Mike: Big John! Cut it out!
>-What are you doing!! You want to kill her!?
Big John: [sings] Kill kill kill kill/ Kill the poor
>-I knew you couldn’t handle this by yourself so I came here to help you.
Tom: With help like this, who needs hindrances?
>-But I got your pen right here, how did you transform?
Crow: [New York accent] Yea, I got yer pen right here!
>-I gave you a fake one, so you see Amy is not the only smart girl around here.
Big John: Aw, man, those hooters are fake!? What a waste! Mike: Stop obsessing over her chest, Big John
>Meanwhile Amy recovered from the shot and prepared to restart the battle.- Noticing this Serena walked towards her trying to make her remember who she was.
Mike: Try a Think bar They help me remember things. It’s got 500 mg of choline in each bar!
>-Please Sailor Mercury don’t do this, can’t you remember our friendship? Everything we have done together,
Crow: [as Random Sailor] All those really cool slumber parties we had, all those nights we spent teasing each other, all those times we fought Queen Beryl and her henchmen. Big John: All those orgies we- Mike: Stop it.
>the way we defeated the negaverse, please you have to remember!!
Big John: [sings] Do you remember when/ We used to sing/ Sha-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-de-da Crow: [as Sailor Mercury] I don’t have to do anything!
>-I don’t know what you’re talking about, the only thing I know is that I have to destroy you!!
Tom: Man, Doom must have turned her into a vegetable to get her to think they’re married.
>What Serena didn’t noticed was that Amy was preparing an ice knife on her right hand, suddenly Sailor Mercury made Sailor Moon think that she remembered everything, and Serena falled on the trap hugging her.
Crow: And went plummeting several stories down!
>-Amy I knew you will..aaahhhhh!!!!!
Tom: [as Kyle from South Park] Oh my God! You killed Sailor Moon! You bastardette!!
>But she didn’t remembered a thing, what she did was that she sticked the knife on Sailor Moon’s back, seeing this Sailor Jupiter runned towards them to break them apart before Sailor Mercury could finish her unholy job.
Mike: Man, you show someone a little kindness and this is how they repay you.
>-You monster!!! Get away from her!!!
Big John: [as Random Sailor] We can’t afford to hire a new leader now! Serena works cheap!
>Serena fell down with her back cover by blood while Amy decided to get back to the manor, considering that her job was done.
Mike: But what about the other Sailor Scouts!? Last time I checked, there were seven more...
>- Meanwhile Sailor Jupiter was helping Sailor Moon who was bleeding dangerously from the injure she got on her back.- Getting strength from nowhere Sailor Moon stood up.
Mike: Yep, she’s in the Marvel Universe all right... Dying solely to get resurrected minutes later.
>-We have to get in there and help her before she does something like this again.
Big John: [as Random Sailor] She was giving hum jobs for free! We can’t have her doing that! Mike: Big John! Talking about sex is bad enough, but do you have to mention prostitution as well!?
>-Are you out of your mind? Look at you, you can barely stand up and you want to get in there and fight her?
Crow: I thought most of the Sailor Scouts had the power to heal. Mike: Crow, there’s no known cure for being in bad fan fiction.
>-I will do whatever I have to do to help my friends, even if I die in the attempt.
Tom: If they’re your friends, they shouldn’t want to kill you.
>-No! I wont let you die here, I’m going to take you back so you can get some help.
Big John: After all, you’re supposed to be giving a hum job to the Sultan of Brunei next week!
>-I’m ordering you to help me save Amy right now.
Crow: [as Sailor Jupiter] God, you are soooo bossy, o.k.? Like, constantly ordering us around like that. Tom: Duck! Another run-on sentence coming!
(Mike, Crow, and Tom duck.)
>Sailor Jupiter knew that it was stupid to continue fighting so she did what she considered best, she hitted Serena in the back of the head knocking her out, then she unfroze the rest of the Sailor Scouts and the cats, Luna was terrified when she saw the white uniform of Sailor Moon totally red by her blood.
(Mike and the Bots come out to see Big John flat on his back.)
Big John: AAHHH! I didn’t duck in time! I got hit with that full force! Crow: [As Luna] God, Serena, red makes you look so bloated!
>-We have to get her out of here now!! Use your powers to teleport back to Tokyo we will stay here to investigate all we can.
Crow: My, Sailor Moon must be made of some stern stuff if she can stand around this long with a big gaping wound in her back.
>-O.K. Luna.
>Answered the girls.
Crow: O.k.? It’s o.k. that you leader was nearly killed, one of your team members has betrayed you, and that you’re stuck in a terrible fan fiction? Big John: I said it before and I’ll say it again... “abandon logic ye who enter here.”
>In moments they disappeared from the area to reappear in central Tokyo, once there, they drove Serena to a hospital to get medical attention.
Tom: Why didn’t they just teleport to the hospital!? Man, do we have to do all the thinking around here? Mike: Apparently, they don’t want you to think. Big John: [sings] Just sit back, relax, and close your mind...
>- Moments later the Doctor talked to the girls about the situation of Sailor Moon.
Crow: [as the Doctor] We’ve got a specialist for cases like this, his name is Dr. Kevorkian...
>-What happened to her?
Tom: It was horrible, I tell you, all those Amway and Quantum leap people... it was a fate worse than death... Crow: She cut herself shaving her legs. Big John: It was a horrible mishap involving a yak, a storm drain pipe, and a forklift.
>She was almost dead when you bring her here, she lost a lot of blood, I need her to stay here for a few days until she recuperates.
Big John: And sex is definitely out... for the moment.
>The girls were preoccupied because now they had two problems, first Amy got her mind totally twisted and now Serena was out of action.
>- They knew that there was only one thing to do.
Big John: Get stinking drunk and give any man who comes their way a hum job! Mike: Not quite. Tom: The decided to give it all up and let doom take over the world.
>-We have to go back and stop Amy, look what she did to Serena.
Big John: After all, with her out of commission, we’re going to loose thousands in revenue!
>-But Lita you saw her power, how are we supposed to stop her?
>Asked Mina
All: Take away her charge card!
>-By any means necessary, even if we need to kill her.
Big John: [ghetto accent] Yea! Any means necessary to bring down de man!
>-WHAT!!??
>Replied both girls
Big John: [ghetto accent] YEA! ANY MEANS NECESSARY TO BRING DOWN DE MAN!! Mike: We heard you fine the first time. Tom: Incoming run-on sentence!
(Mike and the bots duck.)
>-You saw what she did to Serena, we promised that we will protect her with our lives and we almost fail because we worked with our feelings not with our brains, Amy is not a Sailor Scout anymore, therefore we must fight her with all we got regardless of the consequences
(Mike and the bots come out.)
Mike: Man, when I get out of here, I hope you three don’t turn on me like that.
>Rei agreed with her.
>-Lita is right we have o go back there and stop Amy and that psycho of Dr. Doom no matter what.
Crow: And then we’ll beat him over the head with an unabridged Oxford English dictionary! Big John: Of course, it’s going to take about 5 of us to lift the sucker...
>-That won’t be necessary. I’m here.
Crow: [as Random Sailor] We know! We can smell that cheap perfume of yours from a mile away! Tom: That’s what you get for using one of those designer knock-offs.
>-Amy!?
Big John: [sings] Amy/ What you gonna do?/ I think/ I should stay with you/ For awhile maybe longer/ Like I do!
>PART 3
>A COLD DAY IN HELL
Crow: Is he describing when we’re going to get a good piece of fan fiction?
>Lita, Rei and Mina where shocked when they saw Amy right in front of them.- Rei was the first to react.
Tom [as Rei] Ami, black is definitely not your color.
>-You monster!! What are you doing here? Serena is your best friend and you nearly killed her, give us a reason for your presence before we kick your stinking self out of here!!!
Mike: [as Sailor Mercury] Hey! I took a bath this morning!
>-Don’t worry, I’m leaving now, I just passed by and decided to pay a visit to her and at the same time bring you this.
Big John: Noogies for everyone!!
>Then she took the frozen bodies of Luna and Artemis from a bag and dropped them in the floor.
Tom: Someone call P.E.T.A! Crow: Or the A.S.P.C.A.!† Mike: Yea, this fan fic is sheer torture.
>-I found them inside the manor and I decided to bring them back, oh and I forgot to tell you, Serena is resting in peace now, bye.
Big John: It’s about time someone got a little piece here. Mike: Not that kind of piece, Big John.
>Then she lefted.
Crow: Lefties of the world unite- and destroy this fan fic!!
>Carefully Rei used her powers to unfroze the cats, then the girls knowing that Serena was in trouble runned towards her room, when they entered it they found a terrifying spectacle: Serena’s life support unit disconnected and the heart monitor with a straight line on the screen.
Big John: Oh my God! You killed Sailor Moon! Mike: Ah, don’t worry. In the Marvel Universe, nobody stays dead for very long
>- Mina got beside her while the others lefted the room to get help.- In minutes two doctors arrived and they needed to use special equipment revive her.- The girls knew that it was dangerous to left her alone so they decided to guard her, Mina was the first to stay while the others returned to the Cherry Hill Temple to plan their strategy.
Tom: “We’ll have tea and scones while our best friend dies.”
>-Any ideas Lita?
Mike: [as Lita]Yea, let’s get out of this fan fiction now while we still can!
>-I don’t know, she is too powerful now, we have to be careful, she could strike again.- This is getting worse,
All: You can say that again!
>now there is only the two of us to do something.
Tom: What about Sailor Neptune, Sailor Pluto and Sailor Uranus? Crow: [as Butt-head] Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, you said “Uranus.”
>-What about Mina?
>-She is taking care of Serena so she can not help us.
Crow: I thought most of the Sailor scouts have the power to heal. Tom: So did I. Big John: Continuity must not be in Doom’s vocabulary. Mike: He must work for Marvel Comics.
>-I can help you Sailor Scouts.
Crow: [as Tuxedo Mask] For a small fee, of course. $1 million or a favor to be called in later.
>-Tuxedo Mask!! Thank god you’re here.
Tom: [as Random Sailor] Now help us get out of this fan fic!
>-I know all the story, the best strategy now is to wait until Sailor Moon recovers, we can’t do anything by ourselves, if we try something now it could be useless.
Crow: If you want to do something useful, try to stop this fan fic!
>Rei didn’t like the idea.
Big John: [as Rei] What? We’ll loose thousands in revenue! Mike: Stop it, Big John! Tom: Actually I read a story a few years ago about some parents who couldn’t make ends meet in Japan being forced to send their teenage daughters out on the streets to pander. In some areas of Japan, the age of consent is as low as 14. Big John: Then again, a head of lettuce there costs about $35 American.‡
>-That’s the best idea you got!? We can’t just stay here doing nothing while the traitor of Amy teaches Doom how to use the silver crystal.
Tom: [as Ross Perot] Well, if you got a better idea, I’m all ears.
>-Rei is right, we can’t let them gain advantage on us.- What we have to do is go back to Latveria and get the crystal from Doom even if we need to kill Amy in the process.
Tom: Kill Amy? Man, to be a funeral director in the Marvel Universe.... Crow: Must be really confusing. I mean, how can you be sure that someone’s going to stay dead? Mike: They must offer bulk burial discounts and bury you with an apparatus that lets everyone know when you’ve been resurrected.
>-Please remember that she is your friend and that she’s only acting like that because she is under the power of Doom.
Big John: Man, I wish I had the power of Doom... My lovelife would certainly improve. Mike: I wonder what Doom himself thinks of this fan fic?
>-Nonsense.
Mike: Guess that answers that question.
> - Were leaving now, so join us if you want.
Crow: To follow the light side of the force, you must concentrate, young Sailor.
>Hopefully Luna and Artemis were returning from the hospital.
Mike: And hopefully, Doom will buy a grammar book and dictionary!
>-Tuxedo Mask! good to see you, what is going on here?
>Asked Luna
Mike: Believe me, you don’t want to know.
>-We were about to left to Latveria but he doesn’t want us to go.
>Tuxedo Mask explained his reason to disagree to the cats.
Big John: This fan fiction doesn’t make any sense! My girlfriend is in the hospital, two of the Sailor Scouts are dead, and it’s all because of the writer!
>Artemis was the first to speak
>-He’s right. We have to be patient now, going there a attack them just like that will be stupid and the result would be a complete disaster.
Mike: As if this fan fic wasn’t enough of a disaster.
>-The doctors said that Serena will be at the hospital for about a month after today’s attack, so we must have a lot of patience and think carefully before we act.
>Added Luna.
Crow: Because, after all, the writer believes thinking is passé.
>Meanwhile in Doomstadt.
Crow: [sings] I need a change of scenery!
>-My plan is working perfectly.
Big John: [As Doom] Soon, I will have that hum job. Mike: I think he’d rather have other things, Big John.
>- Amy is my queen and Sailor Moon is almost death in the hospital while the others don’t even now what to do. HA, HA, HA, HA!!!!
Tom: [like a little child] Hey! Quit laughing at us!! If you don’t stop, I’m going to send my friend Mike after you! Mike: [sarcastically] Thanks. Crow: He’s certainly not laughing with us. Big John: You know, there are easier ways to win over a woman. Mike: And how would you know that?
>-My lord, Silvermane got your sword ready, please come and see it.
Crow: Man, it’s always guns and swords, swords and guns. Why can’t someone use a different weapon for once? Big John: Well, Thor uses a hammer as his weapon.
>Moments later Doom was holding a beautiful sword that had encrusted in one side the Silver Crystal and the Dragon’s egg in the other.
Tom: [as a gallery showperson] And here we have the legendary Doom sword. On one side, the sword has a lovely silver crystal, and on the other side, it has a beautiful green egg. Just the thing to spiff up that drab wall.
>-Good job Silvermane you will be well rewarded. Call Amy I want her to see this.
Crow: But unfortunately, Amy is yakking to her friends again on the phone and Silvermane gets a busy signal. Tom: Should have gotten call waiting.
>-Yes sir.
Crow: [as Silvermane] But what you didn’t know is that you’re going to get it when that sword’s power backfires on you like I planned.
>Moments later Amy arrived and she was impressed with his husband’s new weapon.
Mike: HUH?? She was impressed with his husband’s new weapon? Crow Is Sailor Mercury secretly a she-male?? Big John: [as Sailor Mercury] Ooh... your weapon is so big... I can’t wait to feel it in me... but alas, I’m secretly a guy! All: Holy Crying Game!!**
>-It is beautiful my love, I hope you use it to destroy Sailor Moon or what is left of her now.
Big John: Big rod my- Mike: No.
>-Indeed my Queen, they will fall under our power, have no doubt about it.
Crow: If I was Gwen Stefani, I’d sue...
>A month later.
Mike: I’m glad I don’t live on Marvel time. It’s so inconsistent! Crow: Yea, and it’s not the same for everyone. Take for example Leech and Powerhouse. Leech was introduced first, then Powerhouse. Powerhouse grew up to be in his late teens when we last saw him. In the same amount of time, Leech has aged a year at most. Tom: Maybe time slows down the more popular a character is. Big John: If that’s true, time must be standing still for Wolverine.
>-How do you feel Serena?
Crow: [sings] Baby how does it feel?/ To be on your own/ How does it feel?/ Like a rolling stone
>-What do you want Lita?
Big John: Show me the way you do that hum job thing, and - Mike: Stop.
>-huh? I got here to see if you were O.K. what’s your problem?
(The bots make cat hisses and screeches.)
Mike: You can tell a writer is running out of material when they repeat themselves.
>-Remember what happened at Doomstadt? I ordered you to help me save Amy and the only thing you did was hitting me in the head and brought me here, do you want me to be happy with you?
Crow: [as Lita] Gee, I only saved you life, and you’re angry about that?
>-I only did what was best for you, try to use your brain meatball head, thanks to me you’re alive now otherwise you’ll be probably dead.
Tom: [as Sailor Moon] Mom! Lita called me a meatball head! Mike: Now, children, behave.
>Luna entered the room.
Tom: [as Luna] I checked it out. There’s no way out of this terrible fan fic. We’re stuck until it’s done!
>-Enough!!!! I have heard enough!!!
All: So have we! Stop this fan fic at once!!
>This behavior was the main cause that leaded to Amy’s misunderstanding and treason, instead of fighting
among ourselves we must plan what to do now that Serena is back.
Mike: First, we’re going to Victor Von Doom’s place. Then, we’re going to kill him for putting us in such a horrific fan fiction.
>-I think you’re right Luna, please Serena forgive me.
Crow: Ah, nobody forgives anybody in the Marvel Universe.
>Serena turned around and remained silent for a few moments, then she turned around once more.
Big John: [sings] Turn around/ Turn around/ There’s a thing there that can be found./ Turn around, Turn around/ It’s a human skull on the ground/ Human skull/ On the ground/ Turn around.
>-If something happens to Amy, I’ll never forgive you Lita, now we must plan our strategy to get the Silver Crystal back before Doom finds out how to make it work if he hasn’t already.
Tom: [as if reading some instructions] O.k., fit tab ‘a’ into slot ‘a’... ah, real men don’t need directions anyway. Crow: Oh, so that explains Mike’s last - Mike: Don’t go there, Crow.
>Artemis supprised everyone when he showed his plan.
Crow: [as Random Sailor] Artemis! Put some clothes on at once! Your plan is showing!
>-We have to get Amy out of the way before we attempt to get the Silver Crystal, Jupiter you must knock her out using your Thunder, but you must be careful so you wont hurt her in the process, Serena, and Mina
must fight Doom and get the Crystal back.
Big John: [as Random Sailor] Oh, is that all? Gee, I’m so glad you make it sound so easy...
>-Wait a minute, and how are we supposed to get the Crystal?
>Asked Serena
Mike: Yes, let’s point out a hole in the plot.
>-The only thing I’m sure of is that you’ll be involved in a cruel fight so you better be careful.
Crow: So what will you be doing all this time? Tom: [as Random Sailor] Sure, throw us to the lions while you stay here in this comfortable environment.
>-Girls please be careful, I don’t want anyone of you hurt again.
Crow: Then get them all out of this fan fiction now!
>Moments later the four girls transformed and used their powers to teleport back to Doomstadt.- Then they entered the manor.- What they didn’t know was that Doom was aware of their presence and that he had a lot of traps ready.
Tom: After all, he had over a month to prepare for them.
>-This is weird there is no one around here.
Crow: Maybe someone around here forgot to shower this morning?
>-Be quiet Sailor Moon you want to let them know that we are here?
Mike: They already know. That one you can see from a mile away.
>-Rei! When are you going to stop picking on me?
Tom: [as a little kid] Stop picking on me or I’m gonna tell my big brother Mike! Mike: *SIGH*, children... behave yourselves... this is dignified social intercourse here.
(The bots break out laughing.)
Mike: I said SOCIAL intercourse.
>-Shut up you two if they hear us they can aaaaahhhhhh!!!!
Crow: [as Random Sailor] Oh, by the way, look out for that bottomless - ah, too late.
>An arrow crossed the sky and penetrated Sailor Jupiter’s shoulder.
Big John: [as whoever shot that arrow] Damn! I was aiming for her - Mike: Stop right there. Tom: Man, what a waste of a life. Crow: At least she’s spared Doom’s dialogue. Mike: Until she gets resurrected again.
>- Sailor Moon got beside her along with the other Sailor Scouts.
Tom: It’s about time they presented a united front.
>-Sailor Jupiter!! Rei, help me take this out!
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Grass stains are murder to get out of silk!
>-Hold on Lita, this is going to hurt a lot but you have to be brave now.
Mike: Be a man and take it! Crow: Uh, she’s a woman. Tom: Sometimes these days, It’s hard to tell.... Big John: RuPaul?
>Then Rei pulled the arrow out of her shoulder, the pain was so intense that Lita couldn’t hold a scream that was heard in the castle.
Mike: This fan fic is almost bad enough to make me scream.
>- Then Sailor Moon striped some of her uniform to cure her and control the hemorrhage.
Tom: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE SAILOR SCOUTS ABILITY TO HEAL EACH OTHER!?!?!?
>-Well now they now that we are here so we have to be more careful, Sailor Jupiter can you keep on with us?
>Asked Serena
Tom: [as Sailor Jupiter] No, my eyes can’t come out of their sockets! Crow: That doesn’t make sense. Tom: Think about it for awhile.
>-Yes don’t worry about me I can keep with you all the way.
Mike: Doom must be one of the founders of the bad grammar league.
>They continued the way, what Sailor Moon, Sailor Mars and Sailor Venus didn’t noticed was that Sailor Jupiter started to sweat a lot and turn white, this was because the arrow was poisoned and none of them noticed that.
Big John: Here babe, let me suck it out! Mike: You mean the poison, don’t you? Big John: Well, I guess I could suck that out....
>Suddenly the passage they were on ended in a big room with a lot of electronic devices.
Tom: [as Random Sailor] Cool! Doom even has a CD player with a shuffle button!
>-What is this place?
>Asked Sailor Mars
Crow: It’s an Amway convention! Run for your lives!
>-Whatever it is it may be dangerous.
>Added Sailor Venus
Big John: Not as dangerous as a Quantum Leap convention.
>Suddenly they heard a very well known voice that came from above them.
Mike: [as a voice from on high] Yes, my children, it is I, God. I cannot save you from this bad fan fiction. You are on your own. Tom: [as Random Sailor] Please! We’ve done everything we can to get out of it!!
>-Well I see that you’re back Sailor Moon, well this time you’re not going to be so lucky!!!!
Crow: [as Doom] You had the chance to escape this fan fic, but instead you chose to stay. Now you’re trapped in it forever!
>It was Amy who was wearing her green uniform.
Tom: I thought her uniform was now black. Big John: Maybe Doom’s color blind. Mike: He’s definitely blind to the fact that he can’t write.
>-Amy!! Tell us where is the Silver Crystal please you have to help us!!
Tom: [hick accent] Wellp, you go down the road a spell, take a left at the Smith farm, go over the cattleguard - Mike: I think we get the point.
>-Please Sailor Moon, you still think that I’m stupid don’t you!?
Tom: Well, you supposedly have vast power, but you haven’t made any attempts to get out of this fan fic... Crow: At least try to use your power to improve the quality of writing!
>The only thing I have to tell you is that you’re going to die here and now!!!
Crow: Oh, well, in that case, we’ll leave.
>Sailor Venus and Sailor Mars moved away to give Lita enough room to do her work just the way the planned it.
Tom: [as Random Sailor] Hey, get your elbow out of my face!
>-I’ve heard enough from you
All: We’re thinking the same thing! This is terrible! It’s inhumane!
>!JUPITER THUNDER! !CRASH!
Mike: !Bad sound effects! !On!
>Sailor Jupiter hitted her with a low intensity beam that knocked her out, then the Sailor Scouts tied her up,
Big John: Yea! S&M time!! Mike: Stop it!
>but when they were about to continue there quest a voice like a thunder was heard.
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Uh, Lita, you can turn your Sailor Jupiter power off now.
>-YOU HURTED MY BELOVED QUEEN, NOW YOU WILL FACE YOUR DESTRUCTION!!!
Crow: [as Doom] Then again, I should let you live, so you have to endure all this bad dialogue and grammar! Tom: [as Random Sailor] You inhuman fiend! That’s a fate worse than death!
>They saw Doom coming towards them with his sword in his left hand.
Big John: I never would have guessed that Doom was a southpaw. Crow: Funny, I think they’ve said he isn’t....
>-This is it girls we have to stop him, let’s combine our powers now !MOON TIARA MAGIC! !ACTION!
>-!VENUS CRESENT BEAM! !BLAST!
>-!FIRE OF MARS! !IGNITE!
Tom: What, no Jupiter Thunder? Someone’s holding back on us!!
>The combination of the power of Mars and Venus with Sailor Moon’s tiara turned it into a incredibly big blast that headed towards Doom, but he stopped the hit with his sword, the Sailor Scouts were shocked with this incredible display of power.
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Dang! That’s the last time we buy magic from Merlin’s discount used magic supplies!
>-What are we going to do now! He’s more powerful than we thought!
>Screamed Sailor Venus
Tom: [as Sailor Moon] There’s only one thing we can do! Leave and let this horrible fan fic swallow doom alive!
>The poison that was on the arrow made it’s full effect, but Sailor Jupiter was decided to trow one last shot.
Tom: [sings]Trow the ancient Yuletide carol...
>-!JUPITER THUNDER!
>Lita started to charge herself with energy in such a powerful way that she started to shine.
Mike: You were holding out on us! Shame on you, Lita! Big John: If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s a woman who holds out.
>-!CRRAAASSHHH!
All: Aum... Mike: Do you know what that was! That was a Ming vase! That was priceless!
>Lita discharged her full power on Doom who dropped the sword by the sudden shock.- At the same time Lita falled lifeless to the floor victim of the poison.
Big John: I can understand why. This fan fic is utterly toxic. Crow: It’s more toxic than Chernobyl. Tom: So the combined powers of Sailor Moon, Sailor Venus and Sailor Mars weren’t enough to hurt doom, but the lone power of Sailor Jupiter was... Mike: Doom’s really sinking to new lows now.
>- Sailor Moon got beside her
Mike: And tried to snap her out of it. Alas, she forgot about her ability to heal...
>-Lita wake up!!! Wake up please!!! You can’t die!!! Please....
Mike: Use your healing power, fer crissakes!
>Rei putted her hand on Sailor Moon shoulder
Big John: Unfortunately, she was aiming for her - Mike: Nononononono.
>-There is nothing we can do for her Sailor Moon let her rest now.
Tom: She’s succumbed to bad writing and horrible grammar. How long can we hold out?
>-She asked me to forgive her and I didn’t, now I’ll never forgive myself for this.
Big John: [as Sailor Venus] Alright, I’ll give you that hum job! Mike: No.
>In the meantime Sailor Venus was able to get the crystal from the sword.
Crow: [as Sailor Moon] Get that egg while you’re at it!
>-I got it!!! I got the crystal!!!
Tom: [as Angelica of the Rugrats] It’s mine and you can’t have it!!
>Sailor Moon putted the crystal in her scepter and prepared herself to face Dr. Doom.
Mike: But alas, she couldn’t sink that put and had to settle for a bogey. Big John: This fan fic is way over par in a lot of areas.
>-You’re responsible for all this now prepare to fight!!!
Crow: [sings] All we are saying/ Is give peace a chance...
>-YOU CAN NOT STOP THE POWER OF DOOM!!! PREPARE TO DIE!!!!
Tom: [as Doom] I’m the one writing this fan fic, after all! Mike: [as Doom] Of course, you’ll only die to be resurrected again! Tom: Now you’re getting the hang of comics, Mike.
To be continued...
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see the bots there.)
Tom: Whew! I don’t know how much more of that I could have stood. Crow: Well, Victor Von Doom is nominated for a Forbush award...
(Enter Mike, wearing Doctor Doom’s armor.)
Mike: Now you will obey me! Nobody says no to Doom!! Crow: Oh, Hi Mike, what’s with the tinfoil getup? Mike: Mike Nelson is gone, I am Doctor Doom! Big John: *SNORKT*... You’re fooling nobody, Mike. Mike: [giving up the act] Aw, come on, guys, I just wanted a little respect, that’s all... Big John: If you want respect, just be yourself... Mike: We’ll be back after this...
* Jamal Anderson is the running back for the Atlanta Falcons, a U.S. Football team (for those few of you who didn’t know.)
** And like a certain other group of people, when I quote someone, I’ll be sure to attribute it if it’s obscure or from Marvel.
*** I couldn’t find the spelling for this ancient Greek character of myth. Sorry if it is misspelled.
