Original by Gary Russell, MiST by the Icehole
The Dreaded Disclaimer
MiSTer’s Note: This has NOTHING to do with Warren Worthington III.
I’ve agonized over doing this one. It’s not very well known, and Psylocke is completely mischaracterized. Don’t bother looking for it in stores; it’s been out of print since it was first released in 1993. The artwork is very similar to the much-maligned art in Generation X #23. I’ll include some samples here and there for everyone’s benefit.
The story so far in this series: Shevaun Haldane was the daughter of one of the board members of the Mys-Tech corporation. This is a company founded in the Middle Ages by a group of alchemists and sorcerers who sought immortality through witchcraft. They have a deal with Mephisto that they have to kill so many people a month so that they can live forever. Anyway, Shevaun was chosen by the good forces to fight Mys-Tech, and granted special powers. She can now do a lot of things, (most of which were never explained away,) and her body has been permanently fused to a solid black costume to help her regulate it. One of her first adventures involved the X-Men, which is how she came to know Psylocke.
Physically, Dark Angel is about the same height as Psylocke, with red hair and green eyes. They look similar in nature. Here, she has most of her continuity that’s been building up for the last six issues torn down as she meets a group of mercenaries called the Model Soldiers. Imagine a group of impossibly beautiful women wielding machine guns, Uzis, and rifles and that’s pretty much what they’re like.
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on your point of view) this comic book’s need for a good MiST has outweighed its obscurity.
(SOL bridge. We see Mike trying to teach Big John how to juggle. Big John has 3 rings as does Mike.)
Mike: It’s all a matter of hand-eye coordination, Big John. Just try it, rings are the easiest things to juggle.
(Big John tosses the rings around, but can’t quite get the knack to get them in the right manner to juggle them. The rings end up falling on the floor.)
SFX: Clank! Glink!
Big John: I’m sorry, Mike. I can’t do it. There’s really only one physical activity I’m really good at...
Mike: Let’s not mention that one.
(The screen comes to life, and shows the Observer there.)
Observer: Greetings, Mike Nelson... are you ready for this week’s bit of nastiness?
Mike: No, but I know that’s not going to stop you anyway.
Observer: This time out you’ve got a comic book in for your media... it’s a wonderfully horrible and very obscure story from the series Dark Angel.
All: Who????
Observer: You’ll find out soon enough...
(The Observer throws the comic book switch, and the comic book light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit down.)
Big John:: [sings] Hi!/ My name is what?/ My name is who? My name is...
Crow: I think I remember now. Awhile back Apocalypse transformed Angel into his Death, then shortly afterwards he took the name Dark Angel, then Archangel.
>Dark Angeland Psylocke!
Tom: So it’s a love story between the two of them, even before they fell in love.
>Meet the Model Soldiers™
Big John: So they think they’re the ideal soldiers, hmm?
>Caption: Sound doesn’t travel through space.
Tom: [authoritative voice] In space, nobody can hear you scream.
Crow: Or burp.
Mike: Crow!
>Even Mys-tech haven’t been able to break that physical law.
Crow: [as a policeman] Trying to break the law, hmm? I’m gonna have to give you a ticket, son...
>But if sound could travel through space,
Big John: Well, you can convert sound into electromagnetic waves, which can travel in space.
>The noise made by the pulse coming from this satellite, heading earthwards...
Big John: Oh my God we’re gonna crash!
Tom: You mean MIR finally bit the big one?
Crow: It’s been nice knowing you all.
>Would be a scream of pure rage.
Tom: [screams] RAGE!
Crow: Doesn’t scare me.
Big John: I like that card game.
Mike: The site Rage.com really stinks.
>Reporter: Nobody knows what causes these sudden bursts of violence..
Tom: Some brat started spreading the rumor that Hama was going to write Generation X again!
Crow: Someone said they were running low on beer!
Big John: And condoms.
>It certainly doesn’t appear to be the usual organised crime syndicates or yuppies on a good day out.
Crow: Someone put the two together! Violence was bound to erupt.
Tom: What I’d like to know is why isn’t this supposed beam is making this reporter violent.
Mike: They misspelled organized.
Big John: Actually, that’s the British spelling of the word. It’s kind of weird. All over the world, we Americans are the only ones who spell it with a z. That dates back to the time of Webster, who wanted to separate American English from British English. He also dropped the u from words like color (colour) and honor (honour.), and dropped the ending me from program (programme.)
Crow: Well, aren’t you a wealth of useless information.
Big John: Well, I had to do something when Pearl wasn’t in the mood.
>But the police and the football association can offer no solution...
Crow: There’s got to be a solution. We’ve got to stop the violence now!
Tom: Can’t we all just get along?
Big John: [sings] God save the queen/ Her fascist regime/ And there’s no future/ In England’s pleasant mountain greens!
>Caption: “To these brief but vicious incidents of severe violence.”
Mike: They’re getting redundant now.
>The headquarters of a mysterious group, known only as “The Model Soldiers™”.
Tom: Gee, sentence fragments. I hate. Sentence fragments.
Mike: Doesn’t surprise me.
>Radio: This is Sadie Miller, in Manchester, for Victoria FM...
Big John: Never heard of her.
>Charlie: The American, Astin. Is on his way up, Marianne.
Big John: Well, looking at you in that bikini, I can’t say that I blame him.
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about!
>Marianne: Good, let’s see what he wants - this time!
Big John: Hum job!
Mike: No.
>Charlie: I’m still not sure this is a good idea.
Big John: As long as you’ve got protection, you’re safe.
Mike: And that Uzi looks like it could blow any man who wants you away.
>Marianne: Charlie, you worry too much.
Big John: [sings] You worry too much/ You make yourself sad/ You can’t change fate/ So don’t feel so bad...
Tom: Who was that?
Big John: It’s on Danny Elfman’s solo album. He wrote the theme to the Simpsons and Dilbert.
Crow: [as Marianne] Just have him use a condom and spermacides and you should be safe!
Mike: Cut it out, Crow! That’s not what she’s talking about!
>Caption: “Besides... Jenni and Louise seem to be taking the necessary precautions!”
Crow: They’re conducting various tests on him...
Big John: Let’s see here... STDs, negative, willingness to use a condom, positive, looks, pretty good... I say we should let him go for it!
Mike: You know, Gypsy’s room could use a good cleaning, Big John...
>Astin: I’m unarmed, as always.
Crow: No you’re not! You’ve got two arms!
Tom: How about giving them to me? Mine don’t work!
>I assure you...
Big John: I will use protection.
Mike: That’s it, you’re cleaning up Gypsy’s room.
>...but feel free to frisk me again, if you must heh heh.
Big John: Still think I’m on the wrong track?
Mike: *SIGH*... yes.
Crow: [as Jenni] Well, he’s clean, except for this big stain that’s right between his legs..
Mike: (turns) Crow!
Big John: Is that a banana in his pocket or is he just glad to see them?
>Marianne: Just what can we do for you, Mister Astin?
Big John: I’ve got a bunch of horny guys who need some good loving in a few days...
Mike: Then look elsewhere.
>Charlie: Drink?
Tom: Yes it is.
Big John: Sure, if it’ll make you horny, I’ll drink with you.
Mike: Big John! It’s way too early in the story for that!
>Astin: Thank you. Now, Miss Townsend, it’s more what I can do for you...
Big John: Still think he’s not after her body?
Mike: I give up.
>My organisation, once again, are offering your group a degree of involvement in some work we’ve got coming up in this country -
Mike: Your organization are? Dude, use the grammar checker next time!
Tom: We’re going to have a bikini show and you’re invited!
>Marianne: I don’t think so, Mister Astin.
Crow: and here’s the pitch... ooh! Strike three! You’re out!
Big John: They’re just saving themselves for someone who can really pleasure them.
Mike: Oh, and I suppose you think that’s you.
Big John: Well, sex is my primary function...
>We’re rather busy, working on our own... project...
Big John: Someone else is gonna get lucky? Aw, man... I wanna be there in the action!
Mike: So you want to be there when there’s a lot of shooting going on and people are getting hurt.
Big John: That’s not what I meant.
>Aren’t we, Charlie?
>Charlie: Yes!
Tom: We’ve got to work on our tans... and then we’re getting manicures, pedicures, and makeovers!
>Marianne: And I think Jenni and Louise agree.
Mike: Say Jenni, Louise, do you think that you’re trapped in a bad comic book?
>Jenni: Yes.
>Louise: Uh-huh.
Crow: They look like they’re hypnotized.
Big John: Maybe this is the same guy who did those Hypno-comics.*
Tom: Those were bad.
>Marianne: So sorry, but nothing the Maggia can offer us is quite as good as our own merchandise...
Big John: [as Marianne] We keep a fold of studs for our own pleasure.
Mike: You know, The sanflac needs its annual overhaul...
>Astin: I’m so sorry you feel this way, Miss Townsend.
Big John: Still think I’m on the wrong track?
Mike: YES!
>Marianne: Never mind. A pleasure to see you, as always...
Crow: Maybe if you weren’t so poorly drawn, we’d be interested in you.
>Caption: “But our next job is somewhat out of this world!”
Crow: We’re waiting for the aliens to take us back to the mother ship.
Tom: It’s Mars Needs Women all over again!
Click this for a picture of the next page
>Caption: Newcastle, Northeastern England. The nearest city to Darkmoor, home of Dark Angel.
Tom: [sings] Hey-ho-ma-ma-ma/ Hey-did-ya-rie-how/ Hey-ho-ma-ma-ma-hey-ya/ Life in a northern town/ All of the work shut down.
>However, tonight she’s not at home.
Crow: They’re spraying the place for bugs!
>Tonight she’s out on the town with one of her new friends, Psylocke.
Big John: Bummer... two really hot babes and they’re gay...
Mike: Big John! Psylocke is not gay!
Big John: Sure she is. It said so in X-Men Slash Central.
(Mike rolls his eyes.)
Mike: Don’t believe everything you read on the internet.
>The only English member of the X-Men, who’s back home on holiday!
Crow: She’s planning to spend a fortnight with the family. Captain Britain misses her.
>Dark Angel: I’m not too sure about this, Betsy...
Tom: [as Dark Angel] These heels are so high and sharp they could be lethal weapons!
>I feel a bit... stupid!
Mike: Being in a comic book like that, it’s understandable.
>Psylocke: Listen, Shevaun - you’ve been cooped up in that creepy old castle ever since I’ve known you.
Crow: [as Dark Angel] But it’s the only place I can conduct my fiendish experiments in peace!
>It’s time to relax... time to party!
Mike: Since when was Psylocke a party hearty kind of woman?
Bots Since now.
Big John: It’s a definite change for the better, I must say. And Dark Angel’s pretty hot too, except for the face thing.
Tom: And look at Psylocke’s belt. Is that Venom she’s wearing?
Crow: It could very well be...
>Dark Angel: Well, I’m not convinced, but...
Big John: It’s true I’ve got a big one! And I’ll prove it to you, babe!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about.
>Psylocke: Hey, one thing being an X-Man has taught me -
Crow: Hey, you’re not X-Man! Rip-off! Rip-off!
Big John: She used to be a man? My, who’da thought...
Mike: Don’t even imply it.
>When to work and when to relax!
Mike: Since when did Psylocke ever relax like this?
Big John: I can’t say I’ve seen it before anywhere... except maybe the Marvel Swimsuit issues...
>Saturday nights are for relaxing!
Crow: [sings] S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y night!
Tom: [sings] Saturday night’s all right for fighting...
Mike: [sings] Saturday night at the movies/ It doesn’t matter what you see...
Big John: [sings] Tell me/ Oh tell me/ Was I all right?/ And whatever happened to Saturday night?
>Dark Angel: If you say so.
Big John: Well, if you need help in relaxing, I can give you a nice massage.
Mike: Yea, right.
>By the way, did your brother tell you we met recently?
Big John: [as Dark Angel] So how about putting in a good word for me? He’s got nice pecs...
>Psylocke. Yeah, it was his idea I stopped off up here before heading home to see him.
Tom: He wanted me to tell you he’s in a happy relationship with Meggan. But Kylun’s still available.
>Can’t say I needed much persuasion!
Crow: After all, she’s in Alpha Flight, and kind of a lame rip-off of her father.
>It’s been so long since I’ve felt -
Mike: I could keep the same hair color for two panels in a row!
Big John: Well, just let daddy here give you something to feel over...
Mike: That’s really getting old now, Big John...
>well - that I could go out again, and live!
Crow: [as Dark Angel] After all, being as beautiful as I am, I’m constantly in fear of my life from all those horny guys who are mobbing me!
Mike: Crow! Stop spending too much time around Big John!
Big John: Oh, sure, blame me. He was like that even before I met him!
>With everything that’s happened recently - my father,
Mike: What about her father?
Crow: We may never know.
Tom: I think a better question is do we want to know?
>My becoming Hell’s Angel
Big John: A biker babe? So that explains the nose ring...
Mike: I don’t think so.
>Then Dark Angel
Tom: So you became a dark Warren Worthington III?
Crow: They don’t look a thing alike.
>Fighting the Mys-Tech board...
Tom: Fighting, fighting, fighting. Can’t we work out our differences peacefully for once?
>Psylocke: For what it’s worth
Big John: [sings] You’d better stop/ Children/ What’s that sound/ Everybody look/ What’s going ’round...
Crow: And the appraiser is coming back with the estimate... oh, this comic book is worth about 50 cents!
>The name change suits you. You never looked like a sweaty biker to me!
Big John: You can say that again. She’s a total babe!
Tom: Kind of like the fact that Mattel said they would never have a biker Barbie.
Crow: Now that would be interesting to see.
Big John: Actually, there’s this artist in California who made one, along with a hooker Barbie, lesbian Barbie, and some other not-so-nice Barbies...
>Dark Angel: Well, thanks for that!
Big John: You’re welcome. Now if only you’d be nice to us...
>And for being here. I think I needed a friend...
Big John: [sings] A friend in need’s a friend indeed/ My Japanese is better/ And when she rests/ Put to the test/ And they will never sever.
Tom: [sings] I want to thank you/ Thank you for being a friend...
>Reporter: ... Another bout of violence, once again centered around the city of Manchester...
Crow: [announcer voice] And in this cornea, all the way from space... violence!
> ... and the authorities still cannot explain the sudden starts and equally swift endings!
Crow: Must be like those old Mike Tyson fights, where the bell rings, Tyson swings, then the opponent goes down and it’s over.
>A short while later, Tyburn leaves the museum on a mission of her own.
Big John: One fossil looking at other fossils.
>A mission that could well change her life - and the lives of the others.
Crow: We’re looking for a way to be young again! I hate looking like a fossil!
>Minutes later the rest of the Mys-Tech board, lead by Algernon Crowe await their own limousine...
Tom: Is that like when Morrisey guest starred on Saturday Night Live, he wouldn’t ride in the same limo with his band?
Big John: [sings] I’m Mojo Nixon/ I’m the anti-Morrisey/ Hey Morrisey/ Kiss my big hairy butt!
Mike: Big John! Cut it out!
>Crowe: Where has Tyburn gone?
Tom: [sings] Where have all the flowers gone/ Gone so long ago?
Crow: Now we won’t get the bulk rate on our limo ride!
>She knows this tour of the northern warehouse is important.
Tom: And we’re getting the group rate if she’d show up!
>When she deigns to return commander Ritinski, have her....
Crow: Fitted for cement shoes.
Tom: Thrown to the lions!
Big John: Tied to a chair and forced to watch Spice World, Ishtar, An Alan Smithee Film: Burn, Hollywood, Burn! and Chairman of the Board all in a row!
Mike: Egads! That’s a fate worse than death!
>Delivered safely to Manchester.
Crow: Ship her Federal Express.
Tom: But UPS is cheaper!
>Ritinski: Of course, Sir.
Big John: Shall I kiss your butt while I’m at it?
Mike: Big John!
>Mys-Tech member: Just where have you been?
Crow: [British accent] I had to go to the loo, marm.
Tom: There was this cool video game in an arcade, and I couldn’t pass it up!
>Five minutes we’ve been waiting.
Crow: And the microwave still hasn’t popped that popcorn! I think it’s defective.
>In the cold!
Tom: Well, you’ve left the heater unplugged. What do you expect?
Crow: I wonder what she thinks about the writing and art of this story?
>It’s not good enough!
Big John: Looks like you got your answer, Crow.
>Crowe: I’ve told Ritinski to check with the satellite.
Tom: And we’re telling you: This stinks!
>I need to know everything is on schedule.
Crow: Nope, ol’ engine 37, she ain’t been on time in years.
Tom: And just try finding a flight that’s on time these days.
>Brownyn: Of course.
Tom: See? They agree with us...
>Caption: Space...
Crow: The final frontier... these are the voyages of the Starship Marvel.... it’s continuing mission, to explore new depths of bad comic book writing... to seek out bad writers and artists, and have them do Marvel comics.... to boldly go down the drain as no comic book company has ever done before!
>Where many Mys-Tech employees live and work in stealth.
Tom: Welcome aboard the space station stealth... it’s not very good, but we manage.
>And danger?
Crow: You’re the narrator, you tell us.
>Ritinski: Mister Crowe wants to ensure everything is going to plan, Doctor Townsend.
Crow: It’s a bad guy’s plan, so somewhere it’s bound to fall apart.
>He and the rest of the board are on their way to the trial sector.
Tom: They‘re out to bribe the judge and jury! Keep them away from the place!
>Townsend: I trust the board are satisfied with the results of the beam emissions so far, commander?
Crow: You know those people. They’re never satisfied with anything! They’ve got immortality, they’ve got all that power, and still they’re not satisfied.
Tom: They’re the bad guys, they’re not supposed to be satisfied.
>Ritinski: I understand they are pleased so far.
Crow: Good help is so hard to find these days.
>However, I am empowered
Tom: [Hindu accent] Empowering oneself is the first step to enlightenment.
>to suggest that haste would be...
Crow: Haste makes waste.
>appreciated.
Big John: Hey, we have to endure endless amounts of movies, fan fiction, comic books, spams, and other junk, and do we get any appreciation?
>Townsend: We are working at full capacity.
Crow: [as Scotty from Star Trek] Captain, I canna give her any more! If we donna cut it now she’s going ta blow!
Big John: It blows already.
Mike: Big John!
>However, the board’s wishes will be carried out.
Big John: [as Townsend] Even though I’ll have to close my eyes and grit my teeth when I do it!
Mike: Not quite.
>Caption: Seconds later, once communications have been severed....
Tom: Ohmigawd they cut off all our communications! How are we going to contact the rest of the world!?
>Matthews: Well, Doctor Townsend.
Big John: You and I have a break scheduled in 5 minutes at the same time. How about we sneak off to the broom closet?
Mike: No.
>It all sounds as if your project is going well.
Crow: But it’s still got one or two bugs in it.
>You should be very happy.
Tom: How can I be happy when the manicurist on board won’t do my nails right?
Crow: How can I be happy when the hair stylist keeps giving me a bad haircut?
Big John: How can I be happy when we’ve run out of condoms?
Mike: That’s getting very old now, Big John.
>Townsend: I’ll be happy, Matthews, when this particular project is completed and safely in the board’s lap of responsibility.
Big John: And I don’t have to deal with your incessant leering at me!
>Now, if you can carry on for awhile,
Mike: Oh please. This comic book is dragging enough without someone carrying on.
>without me,
Crow: [as Townsend] Rant and rave all you want, just leave me out of it!
> I’m going to get some sleep.
Big John: Cool! Can I join in?
Mike: Not that kind of sleeping. She’s going to rest.
>Caption: Later, somewhere in London.
Crow: The Westminster clock chimes 11, and then the place explodes into a bloodbath!
>Marianne: Hiya, little sis. How’s things?
Tom: Are you sure you want to find out?
>Townsend: All going to plan...
Big John: [sinisterly] once our D.N.A. infusion occurs, we’ll have bohunks up the wazoo!
Mike: Is that all you think about, sex?
Big John: Is there anything else worth thinking about?
>I’ve downloaded all the details. And they don’t suspect a thing!
Crow: Corporate theft? Tsk tsk.
Tom: Looks like she needs to get caught Red Handed. Someone call UPN!
>Caption: Darkmoor. The morning after the night before.
Big John: He shoots he scores! GOAL!
Mike: Not quite.
>For Betsy Braddock, aka Psylocke of the X-Men, it’s a night she can barely remember.
Tom: [as Psylocke] Darnit! I forgot to take my Ginkgo!
Crow: Are you sure you would want to remember it?
>But for Shevaun Haldane, aka Dark Angel, her cosmic powers are above such trivial matters...
Big John: She can go all night and not feel bad? I’d like to get her in bed!
Mike: That’s not what he’s talking about, Big John!
>Such as a colossal hangover.
Mike: Since when did Psylocke drink excessively?
Tom: Since now.
Crow: Psylocke’s secretly a lush?
Big John: Well, she’s hot enough to be in that band...
>Dark Angel: Wakey wakey rise and shine.
(Crow hums the army’s wake up reveille.)
Tom: [Coldly, as Psylocke] I hate people who are chipper in the morning!
>Psylocke: Go... away...
Big John: Hey, I’ve got a nice cure for your hangover right here...
Mike: Big John! Sex is not a cure for hangovers!
Big John: It can cure headaches, and that’s part of a hangover.
Mike: I give up, you’re hopeless.
>Dark Angel: Breakfast is ready. Can’t play tennis on an empty stomach.
Tom: Are you sure she can even keep anything down at this point?
Mike: So far, I’m having a hard time keeping down my lunch.
Crow: And look how pale she just turned. Is she going to a Goth party or something?
>Or has living in the States on MacBurgers destroyed your palate?
Mike: You know, fast food really isn’t good for you.
Tom: Yea, it’s mostly grease and oils, along with fat.
>Psylocke: i never ... want to see...
Big John: Another... night... without... some... hot... hunk... in bed... next... to... me...
Mike: Not quite.
>food again...
Crow: Man, Psylocke must be anorexic or something...
Tom: I think it’s kinda silly that there’s such an emphasis on a woman’s appearance. A woman should be judged by what she can do, not just what she looks like.
>or drink...
Tom: Must be some subliminal conditioning to stay thin or something...
>or anything...
Big John: She wants to go blind?
Mike: You’d have to be blind if you think this is good.
>i want to die...
Mike: [as Psylocke] So I can get resurrected and have this massive hangover go away...
>Dark Angel: I thought you’d like to see the newspapers.
Tom: I am housebroken, you know...
Mike: Tom!
>Bet the headlines haven’t changed, though.
Tom: They’re still dragging out those darned Clinton sex scandal things...
Crow: I hate people who are so chipper and happy in the morning. Mornings are not for being bright eyed and bushy tailed.
>I wonder what’s causing all the violence?
Tom: Comic books like this one?
Crow: Runs on Star Wars: The Phantom Menace toys?
Big John: Someone announced free money to the first 10,000 people who showed up at a radio station!
>Newspaper headline: Streets of Fire
Crow: Bruce Springsteen, call your lawyers.
>Caption: Later, below the castle, in the research cave where her late father worked on projects for Mys-Tech, Dark Angel is investigating the reports of recent violence.
Crow: [sinisterly] I will use this cause of violence to take over the world!
>Dark Angel: Well, good afternoon!
Mike: My, how time is screwed up in the Marvel Universe. It was morning just one panel ago!
Crow: Well, they did say time passed in that caption....
Tom: Ah, nobody bothers reading the captions anyway...
>I rummaged through your wardrobe... hope you don’t mind.
Crow: [as Dark Angel] Just as long as you don’t ruin my favorite sweater.
Click here for this next panel.
>Now, what’s this?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] Looks like a T-shirt to me...
Tom: Hoppy Mondays? Is that like Gerald McBoingboing or something?
>Don’t tell me,
Crow: O.k., we won’t tell you.
>several years as an X-Man can’t have dulled your musical taste that much?
Tom: You told us not to tell you.
Crow: Frankly, in a world that lauds the Spice Girls and Hanson, you’d have to search pretty hard to find music that isn’t banal and insipid.
>Psylocke: Listen, when I left, Duran Duran were top of the pops!
Crow: [sings] Girls on film/ Two minutes later/ Girls on film...
Big John: [sings] The Reflex/ Is a lonely child/ Who’s waiting in the park...
>Dark Angel: Who?
Big John: You’ve never heard of Duran Duran? Man, you must have been living under a rock or something....
>Psylocke: I rest my case!
Big John: Cool! Why don’t you rest that case of yours on daddy’s knee here...
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about!
>Now what are you up to here?
Crow: About the same height you are.
Tom: Do you really want to know what my fiendish experiments are?
Big John: I’m trying to clone an army of hot hunks so every woman can have one!
>Dark Angel: All this violence. I ... sense Mys-Tech’s involvement.
Mike: Gee... what would give you that idea?
>Psylocke: ‘Von, don’t let paranoia get the better of you.
Crow: Just because several guys are following you with their tongues hanging out and drooling doesn’t mean they’re just interested in your body...
Mike: Crow!
>They can’t be behind everything!
Tom: Well, they’re not behind this comic book, according to the credits... but then again, it could be some sinister plot...
>Dark Angel: Did you know that Mys-Tech have a lot of storage warehouses in Manchester?
Crow: [as random Mys-Tech board member] Hey, we got them cheap! Rent in a northern town is much lower than rent in London.
>It’s their second biggest base of operations.
Tom: Well, if you think it’s them, go find them!
>And my selective multi-plane interactive database
Crow: A Kirby machine gone amok,
>shows that all roads lead to Manchester!
Tom: No, no, no! It’s all roads lead to Rome!
Crow: Well, this comic book is British, and they are trying to hype the English...
Big John: Should have used Glastonbury. It’s where all leylines begin and end.
>Manchester is only 160 miles away!
Crow: So I thought we’d have a nice holiday there.
>We could take your plane, start searching and...
Mike: Find a decent writer for once!
>Psylocke: Whoa, hold on, ‘Von.
Crow: Let’s see your pilot’s license, young lady.
Tom: I still haven’t recovered from my hangover!
>What makes you so sure this is a Mys-Tech operation, anyway?
Big John: Because if it isn’t, we’d lose our plot bearings!
Tom: Using that term very loosely.
>Dark Angel: Comes with the territory.
Tom: Oh, and once again Marvel fills a hole in the plot with a very lame excuse.
Crow: [as Dark Angel] I got this territory, and they gave me a nifty plaque to go with it!
>When you have cosmic awareness...
Big John: You know when your lover’s been unfaithful.
Crow: Telepathy can do the same thing.
>I know Mys-Tech are involved!
Mike: Let’s harp on this no end, shall we?
>Look, I’ll show you...
Big John: Oh yea, babe! SHOW IT ALL TO ME!! WHOO-HOO!!!
Mike: Cut it out, Big John! That’s not what she’s talking about!
>There... it’s on the outskirts of the city.
Crow: No, no, no! The cliché is the seedy warehouse in the low-rent district! Get your clichés right!
>One of their main warehouses!
Tom: Ah, sentence fragments. I can’t stand. Sentence fragments.
>I could simply fly there myself...
Tom: But the local airline rates are astronomical!
>But your psychic powers will help no end!
Mike: I thought she said she had cosmic awareness. Wouldn’t that give her an intuition like telepathy?
Crow: Well, this plot is turning into Swiss cheese with all the holes in it.
>And I think it’s best if we stay out
Big John: And party some more! Yea!
Mike: I don’t think Psylocke is apt to do that.
>of costume. Mys-Tech will be looking for Dark Angel, but a couple of tennis players might get away with it!
Big John: Sex in public? Go for it! I wanna watch!
Mike: No, no, no!
>Although if I have to use my powers, it could be risky.
Crow: Especially since I don’t know what they are exactly!
>Still, I’ve been practising with-out my armor ever since I learned just how powerful I could be without it!
Big John: Without my armor, I can make men drool so much they drown in their own drool!
Mike: Not quite.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots there.)
Crow: Whew! Thank goodness for this break. That artwork was terrible!
Tom: You said it. We’re going to need a little to recover.
Big John: Then let’s go to commercials.
(Commercials. It’s the standard fare that insults your intelligence and makes you think they believe you’ll swallow anything, and they believe your development stopped in the second grade. It also makes you think they believe you don’t have much intelligence to begin with. When we come back, SOL bridge. Crow is juggling three rings. We see the bots there.)
Crow: I can’t believe you can’t do this, Big John. I can.
Big John: I’m sorry, guys. I just wasn’t constructed with good hand-eye coordination.
(Enter Mike.)
Mike: So, trying again, Big John?
Big John: There’s really only one sport worth playing.
Crow: And which one is that?
Mike: Football.**
Big John: You’re no fun.
(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl there.)
Pearl: Nelson! What are you doing out of the theater!?
Mike: Well, we had a break and -
Pearl: Shut up! Get back in that theater now!
Crow: Why ask him if you didn’t want to hear the answer?
(Pearl flips a switch, and the comic book light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We got comic book sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit down there.)
>Dark Angel’s awesome powers are the last thing on Algernon Crowe’s mind
Big John: Because he got a good look up her dress and -
Mike: Big John!
>as he and the other Mys-Tech board members arrive at their Manchester warehouse.
Tom: We’ve got to make sure everything goes right for the photo shoot. After all, it’s not every day you get page 3 girls in bikinis to make a calendar.
>Crowe: Oh, very discreet...
Crow: Discretion is the better part of valor.
Big John: Kind of like that Jeffrey Dahmler in that he did a lot of stuff every night and his neighbors never knew any of it....
>Crowe: Tell me, Brownwyn,
Tom: Did you head get caught in a wine press or something?
Crow: How did you get your hair so shiny?
>Just how secure is this base?
Tom: Oh, don’t worry. We’ve got former Soviet guards on duty.
Crow: They needed the money, since they haven’t been paid in six months.
>The guards don’t exactly blend with the background, do they?
Crow: It’s no wonder. You’ve got them in jungle camouflage! You should have used the city camouflage!
>Brownwyn: Rest assured, Crowe,
Big John: They’re gonna protect us. After all, they’ve been armed.
>My security is absolute.
Mike: Those who speak of absoluteness often stand on shaky ground.
>There isn’t another person for miles...
Crow: So he’s going to have to marry Jennifer, even though he hates her.
Tom: I have a feeling that this is going to be some famous last words.
>No one will see anything!
Big John: Oh no, she’s going to blind everyone in the world!
>No one will see anything!
Tom: Woah, deja-vu.
Crow: Are we stuck in a time loop?
Mike: Well, maybe it’s a case of too much teletubbies.
>Our entire operation is secure!
Crow: That statement contradicts itself.
Tom: A bit like that 1960’s counterculture guy who said: “Drugs are good for you. All this stuff the straights tell you about it harming you, it’s nonsense” or something like that. Two days later he was found dead of a drug overdose.
>Caption: For Marianne Townsend and her Model Soldiers™ have broken that security
Crow: Look at you, you’ve broken our security! Now go fix it at once!
Tom: And use real superglue, don’t use that cheap Elmer’s glue!
>with the ease that has earned the respect and reputation
Big John: So they’ve got a reputation, hmm? I’d like to find out more about that...
Mike: [coldly] As being the Lorena Bobbitts of England.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>of underworld groups the planet over.
Crow: They’re known for being notoriously cheap, stiffing waiters, and sticking everyone else with the check!
>Radio: ... now the next beam, triggering off hormonal/chemical imbalance is due in three hours.
Big John: And it’s going to be one hell of an orgy!
Mike: Big John!
>We’ll be here to witness it.
Big John: Since Viagra hasn’t been invented yet, we can’t take it to join in!
Mike: Do you want to clean up Tom’s room again?
Tom: Oh sure. Blame me for my room being messy. My arms don’t work!
>Louise: Got the whole thing on tape, Marianne.
Crow: And there go their chances at being M.P.’s!
>Marianne: Thanks, Louise. Looks like me little sister’s information was right on the ball!
Mike: Although I wish she hadn’t tried to drop a bowling ball from outer space onto my head!
>Mys-Tech are sending down some beam to create all this violence - and we’re going to hi-jack their receiving equipment!
Crow: This message brought to you by the dumb evil plotlines of England Ltd.
>Wonder what that jerk Astin would pay if I offered it to the Maggia?
Big John: Well, whatever you charge, I’m sure you’ll be worth it!
Mike: Big John! That’s not what she’s talking about!
>Jenni: Just thought you ought to know -
Crow: Diet Dr. Pepper tastes more like regular Dr. Pepper.
Tom: I know what you did last summer.
Big John: There’s a bee on your shoulder. Ha! Made you look!
>The Mys-Tech big-wigs have arrived. and their goons are on full alert.
Big John: We’d best get out of here before they decide they need companionship!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about! Keep it clean, Big John!
>Or whatever passes for ‘full alert’! [sic]
Tom: I hate it when they reverse punctuation? Don’t you.
>Marianne: Okay. We’ll have to be that bit more careful.
Big John: Make sure they’re drug/disease free, and make them use protection!
Mike: Big John, if you don’t stop this, I’m taping up your optical sensors.
>But it’s not a problem.
Crow: We still can do it!
Mike: Crow! Don’t follow Big John’s Example!
>Within a few hours, we’ll have everything in that warehouse.
Tom: [as Marianne] Yea, these government auctions are dirt-cheap! Why, just last week I bought a Pentium II 333 for only $200! And that included monitor and printer!
>Wonder how much we should charge?
Big John: Well, the going rate’s around $60 for a half-hour... but then again, a babe like you could charge as much as she wanted!
Mike: I’m not warning you again, Big John. Do one more sex reference and I’m taping up your optical sensors.
>Caption: Many years before she began a career as the costumed hero Psylocke
Big John: You think she’s a hero? Man, you need an eye exam!
Crow: She’s definitely a woman.
>Elisabeth Braddock had a career as a charter pilot.
Big John: [refers to his handy Handbook of the Marvel Universe in a notepad computer] Funny, the Handbook says she was a fashion model, then later a member of the team S.T.R.I.K.E., the British division of S.H.I.E.L.D before becoming Psylocke.
Crow: Come on, Big John. This is Marvel. They don’t have continuity here.
>Such skills are useful
Big John: In joining the Mile High club.
Mike: All right, that does it!
(Mike tapes up Big John’s optical sensors.)
Big John: They can try to take away my voice, but I won’t let them! Fight censorship now!
>And with the cloaking technology of the X-Men to help...
Crow: Funny, that plane doesn’t look like the X-Men’s blackbird.
Tom: Well, it is cloaked...
>She and Dark Angel arrive in Manchester undetected.
Tom: Because nobody bothered to look in the sky and see them.
Crow: Although for some unfathomable reason, Psylocke’s shirt has changed colors!
>Psylocke: Okay,
Crow: [Val accent] Like, I’ve spent totally too much time with Jubilee, o.k.?
>Now we’re here. Your mysterious warehouse is a short jog east.
Tom: And we’ve got to be faster than it, so we’ve got to run fast to catch up to the jogging warehouse!
>Dark Angel: Then let’s go!
Tom: You go first.
Crow: [sings] Don’t let it go away...
Big John: [sings] Hire my SMG with full clip/ On automatic it’s a guaranteed hit/ Let’s go!
>Caption: Minutes later...
Crow: Time has passed.
Click this for the next panel.
>Dark Angel? Psylocke? They’ve got a whole industrial estate here.
Mike: Who’s saying that?
Crow: Maybe both of them are saying it at the same time!
>Dark Angel: I hope no one sees us...
Tom: My hair is a mess, my makeup is bland, and I’m being poorly drawn!
(Big John secretly removes the duct tape from his eyes.)
>Psylocke: Shhh! Look, someone else appears to be around.
Tom: And if we’re real careful, we might be able to hijack their van!
>Dark Angel: How’d they get so close?
Big John: Hunters can always stalk their pray with acuteness. They always go deep in the bush, shoot twice, and always eat what they shoot.
Tom: That’s disgusting. I give up. You’re hopeless.
Mike: Hey, what happened to the duct tape I put over your eyes?
Big John: Must have fallen off.
Crow: That’ll teach you to use cheap duct tape.
Mike: Like we have much of a choice in this satellite.
>Psylocke: Sheer Audacity?
Crow: I thought you people were supposed to be quiet! Shut up!
Tom: Well, you’re not supposed to think about this.
>Dark Angel: Or just good luck.
Mike: We’ll need good luck to find something decent around here.
>Psylocke: I’m ... I’m sensing something...
Big John: There are some guys... and they’re undressing us with their eyes...
Mike: Big John! That’s it, I’m making you clean Tom’s room again.
>But it’s not very clear...
Big John: I can’t tell if he’s trying to get both of us in bed at once or just one of us!
Mike: You know, storage room #3 could use a good sweeping....
>Dark Angel: Confident lot.
Big John: Well, when you've got it, you’ve got it...
Mike: And since when did you have it?
Big John: Don’t go there, Mike.
>Keys still in the ignition.
Tom: Cool! Perfect chance to steal a van and send it to a chop shop.
>Quick getaway, perhaps?
Big John: Maybe he’s one of those love-them-then-leave-them types.
Mike: Not quite.
>What d’you think, Psylocke?
Mike: Think? You’re not supposed to think here. You’re supposed to turn your mind off when you read one of these comic books.
>Psi balloon: Dark Angel!
Tom: That’s her name, don’t wear it out.
>Dark Angel: Psylocke?
Crow: Now that we’ve established your names, let’s see if we can get you two to be friends.
>Good grief!
Tom: They’ve pegged me as Charlie Brown’s British cousin!
>There’s enough equipment in here to monitor the whole north of England!
Crow: Big brother is watching you.
Tom: Of course, thanks to camerabot.
>Oh!
Big John: [sings] Turn around/ Turn around/ There’s a thing there that can be found/ turn around/ Turn around/ It’s a human skull on the ground/ Human skull/ On the ground/ Turn around...
Tom: Who was that?
Big John: They Might Be Giants. You know, I really miss listening to them.
Crow: Yea, now and days all we get up here at the SOL is disco, Hanson, the Spice Girls, and whiny ‘60s protest songs by obscure artists.
>I think there’s been a mistake...
Crow: Yea, we asked for a decent comic book, and instead we got this!
>Jenni: -- Sure. Yours.
Tom: Gee. More sentence fragments.
Mike: Makes you wonder if they can write a complete sentence.
Crow: Well, they certainly can’t write a decent story.
>Dark Angel: My friend and I were playing tennis and we’ve lost our ball...
Big John: Well, just come with me, and I’ll show you some balls...
Mike: Big John!
Crow [sings] Suck on my chocolate salted balls/ -
Mike: (turns) Crow! Don’t follow his bad example!
>My name’s Shevaun.
Crow: Pleased to meet you. I’m Crow T. Robot, and these are Tom Servo, Mike Nelson, and Big John.
Tom: Those soldiers certainly don’t look like they’re happy to meet her.
>Marianne: Yea, and I’m Bille Jean King.
Tom: Really? So what was it like being Ashe in ‘75?
Crow: Funny, you don’t look like Billie Jean King...
>What’re you doing here?
Mike: Well, I’m being held on a satellite against my will, and having to endure endless amounts of terrible movies, comic books, books, fan fiction, e-mail spams, videos, and other media until our minds snap. Care to join us?
>Dark Angel: Seriously, we’re just looking...
Tom: Now where did those clothing shops go to...?
Crow: We’re looking poorly drawn.
Big John: But ultra hot.
Mike: How would you like to clean out the sanflacs storage bins, Big John?
>Marianne: Sorry, but I can’t afford risks.
Tom: We blew our budget on this van!
Crow: [as Marianne] We’re so broke we can’t afford to pay attention.
>Dark Angel: Look, what are you -?
Mike: [as Forrest Gump] She looks like a woman to me.
Big John: You can say that again!
Mike: Big John! That’s it, you’re cleaning out the sanflac storage units.
>Marianne: Okay team...
Crow: [as General Patton] Ten-hut! Now listen up you miserable miscreants, we’re going into battle and I want you to kick German @$$!
Mike: Crow!
Tom: [as Marianne] We’re going to have to look sharp for our parade routine, so we’ve got to practice, practice, practice people!
>Kill them!!
Crow: Why? She’s not hurting you.
Big John: I say you should love a babe, not hurt her.
>Dark Angel: You okay, Psylocke?
Big John: She’s more than okay, she’s utterly hot!
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about!
>Psylocke: No probs, ‘Von.
Crow: Voules-vous cuchet avec moi a sans souci?
Mike: Non!
>Marine's thoughts: *&$** - that gunfire’ll bring those security troopers her in seconds.
Crow: So don’t shoot your guns! Jeez, do we have to do all the thinking around here?
Tom: You mean these people actually think?
(Mike pulls out a Magic 8 ball, and shakes it.)
Mike: Let’s see what the magic 8 ball says...
(He turns the ball over.)
Mike: “My sources say no.”
Big John: Say, those things really do work...
>Finish it, soldiers!
Big John: We’ve got several clients lined up for us to -
Mike: Do you want to go and deal with solar panel cleaning?
>Caption: Meanwhile, at the warehouse, a sinister red limo screeches to a halt.
Crow: The limo had its emissions equipment removed, and it was stinking up the place like you wouldn’t believe!
>It contains
Big John: An old fossil looking for her youth again.
>Gudrun Tyburn... a Mys-Tech board member with a great deal on her mind.
Tom: The great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- grandkids are getting themselves in trouble again, and they think I’ll bail them out!
Crow: Are you sure you put enough greats in there, Tom?
>Indeed, what she is investigating
Big John: Is if Viagra can be used for women too!
Mike: Big John!
>is strictly her business.
Tom: So butt out!
>Information shared only with a three inch computer disk.
Tom: Well, it’s the only thing she trusts these days...
Crow: Technogeek!
>Information concerning Mys-Tech’s current nemesis, Dark Angel
Big John: Her measurements, her likes and dislikes, and whether or not she’ll sleep with a man on the fifth date...
Mike: Not quite.
>Tyburn is reminded of certain truths
Crow: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal...”
Tom: She’s reminded of how old she looks.
>that she hoped had long been buried...
Big John: That romantic liaison with the knight she had in 995 a.d....
Mike: Sigh...
>But the past has an uncanny knack of coming back to haunt even the most devious of techno-wizards.
Tom: [as Tyburn] Darnit! Why won’t this loan I forfeited 500 years ago go off my credit record!?
>And it’s not a past that Tyburn is sure she can confront.
Crow: I can understand why she’s putting her hand over her face... if I was in that story, I wouldn’t want people to know it either...
>Outside the warehouse, the gunfire has sent the already tense guards into overdrive.
Tom: You go investigate the gunfire.
Crow: You go investigate the gunfire.
Tom: You go investigate the gunfire.
Crow: You go investigate the gunfire.
Tom: You go investigate the gunfire.
Crow: You go investigate the gunfire.
Tom: You go investigate the gunfire.
Crow: You go investigate the gunfire.
Mike: Stop acting childish.
Tom: We are not acting childish! Are not are not are not!
>Mys-Tech board member: You! What’s going on?
Tom: I dunno, nobody wants to go investigate that gunfire.
Crow: I’ll tell you what’s going on. We’re stuck in a bad story!
>Guard: The shooting, sir. It’s nothing to do with us!
Big John: I’m innocent of everything, I tell ya!
Mike: She’ya right!
>Crowe: Blast Gryffn!
Crow: Well, since she’s immortal, it wouldn’t do much good...
>So much for her tight security.
Crow: [as Crowe] I knew I should have hired those more expensive German guards...
>As usual, I’m going to have to deal with this personally.
Crow: If you want something done right, you’ve got to do it yourself!
Tom: Good help is so hard to find these days.
Click here for the next two panels
>Caption: The outcome of the battle that Crow will discover has yet to be decided upon...
(The bots make cat hisses and screeches.)
>Jenni: Oooff!
Crow: I should have only had one teaspoon of cereal for breakfast instead of two!
>Dark Angel: Didn’t mommy tell you not to play with knives?
Big John: [emotionally, as Jenni] My mommy ran off with the plumber when I was 2! I haven’t seen her since!
>Charlie: Ahrr-!
Crow: [as Charlie] It’s a pirate’s life for me!
Tom: [as Charlie] help me my face has turned blue for no apparent reason!
Big John: [sings] Kind of free/ Kind of wow/ Charli...
>Marianne: You two fight pretty well, but teamwork means...
Big John: If you don’t have teamwork, you don’t have -
Mike: Big John!
> - covering each other’s backs!
Tom: [as Dark Angel] I can’t help it if that T-shirt shrank in the washing machine!
>Psylocke: Unhh!
Crow: [as Psylocke] You’re just jealous because my hair shines and yours doesn’t.
>Dark Angel: Psylocke!
>Blast you all! Why did you start this?
Crow: He started it.
Tom: I did not! You started it!
Crow: I did not! You started it!
Mike: I don’t care who started it I’m finishing it now!
>Marianne: We didn’t!
Big John: Kind of like those guys on Cops who are always drugged up and not wearing a shirt: [slurs his speech] “Wha? wha did Ey deu? Ey didnda do antytheen...”
>You were snooping on Mys-Tech land.
Big John: But there weren’t any restricted area signs!
>That automatically makes you the enemy!
Crow: Can’t we just be friends for once?
>Dark Angel: You’re Mys-Tech soldiers? You can’t be!
Big John: They only hire tough, ugly thugs to work for them!
Crow: Well, the E.E.O.C. has been on their case...
>I’d know...
Tom: How? You’re not the head of Mys-Tech security!
>Voice from off panel: Would you, Miss Haldane? How very interesting!
(Crow hums the beginning to the theme from Dragnet.)
>Guard: Anyone moves, and they’re dogmeat!
Crow: [as Random Model Soldier] Hey! I worked long and hard to be a babe like this! Don’t be calling me dog meat, scumface!
>Marianne: All right, soldiers! Do as the cliche says!
Tom: O.k., I won’t cry over spilled milk.
Crow: O.k., I won’t run with the scissors.
Big John: All right, I won’t put the metal in the microwave.
>Dark Angel: I knew you were behind this!
Big John: You’re always looking for some hot babes to get into bed with you! Well, I’m not about to be one of your conquests, mate!
Mike: Big John!
>Crowe: Do you now? Why doesn’t that surprise me?
Crow: Well, after living for 1000 years, I imagine you’ve seen a lot...
>I had hoped you could carry on with your father’s work.
Big John: And make us a pill that would let us have sex (since Viagra hasn’t been invented yet.)
Mike: That’s it. You’re giving Crow a lube job.
>Unfortunately you continued meddling with things that are... outside your brief.
Big John: [as Crowe] It’s none of your business how many times I want to bang a babe every night, nor should it concern you how many I do.
Mike: And you’re giving Tom a lube job too now.
Tom: Oh sure. Blame me because I’ve got ticklish circuitry.
>Dark Angel: Don’t tell me I’m fired!
Crow: We don’t fire employees... you will be outsourced to another company at your expense.
Tom: We don’t fire employees... we kill them!
>Crowe: Oh, very good, very droll.
Mike: Well, the second half of that pretty much describes the story...
>I... we shall all miss your witty repartee.
Crow: If that’s her witty repartee, I’d hate to see the dull stuff.
>Goodbye Miss Haldane. Parting is such sweet sorrow!
Big John: It’s what you get for not letting me -
Mike: Big John! Cut it out!
>Dark Angel: You can’t.
Tom: It’s my series, and it’s not going to be cancelled just yet!
>Crowe: - but I can!
Tom: [sings] Anything your can do I can do better/ I can do anything better than you.
Big John: [sings] No you can’t
Tom: [sings] Yes I can
Big John: [sings] No you can’t
Tom: [sings] Yes I can
Big John: [sings] No you can’t
Tom: [sings] Yes I can/ Yes I can yes I can!
Mike: That’s enough. Behave, you two.
>Caption: Next: Can there be a next?
Crow: Common decency would say no to that one...
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots there.)
Mike: Well, that was pretty...
Tom: Bad.
(The screen comes to life, showing Pearl, and the Observer there.)
Pearl: Well, Mike, feeling a bit insane, are we?
Mike: No, once again you’ve sent us a bad comic book that wasn’t enough to make us go insane.
(Pearl gets angry.)
Pearl: What? You’re not insane?
Mike: No, not in the least.
Pearl: Grr! Well, I’ll be back next week, and when I come, I’ll have something so foul, so wretched, that you won’t last five minutes!
(Enter Bobo.)
Bobo: Mother, The Commission on Superhuman Activities are at it again! They just posted another fan fic! It’s a Generation X/South Park crossover!
(Pearl turns, and smiles)
Pearl: Really... download it, Bobo. Now we’ve got something for them for next week!
Crow: Oh no, not the Commission again!
Mike: We’ve beaten their work before, Pearl. Give it up. You’ll never find something so bad that it will make the world insane.
*Coming soon from the Icehole... if we can get permission.
** Americans can use American football, all others can use regular football (or soccer to Americans.)