MiST Fan Fiction: “Dancing”

The Dreaded Disclaimer
(Scene: SOL bridge. We see Mike, Crow, Tom, Gypsy, and Big John around the computer screen.)

Mike: O.K. gang, we’ve got a special guest today, she’s agreed to talk to us via satellite linkup, all the way from Earth, she holds the Guinness book of world records for being the world’s smartest person, let’s meet Marilyn Vos Savant!
(The screen comes to life, showing Marilyn Vos Savant there.)

Mike: Ms. Vos Savant has agreed to describe to us some of the more confusing plotlines Marvel has used. She’s agreed to start off with the original classic convoluted plotline, the Phoenix saga.
Magic voice: Commercial light in 5 minutes.
Marilyn: Thank you, Mike. Well, it all started one day when the X-Men were kidnapped by Sentinels and taken to an outer space lab. After defeating the Sentinels, they headed back to earth during an unusually intense solar flare. The shuttle’s cockpit had inadequate shielding for these solar flares, so the pilot had to endure solar radiation. Then known as Marvel Girl (and now called Phoenix), Jean Grey volunteered for the job. Why, I don’t know. She tried to hold the radiation back with her telekinetic powers, but to no avail. The radiation began to kill her slowly. My, that’s a terrible way to die. Anyway, a sentient life form known as the phoenix force came to Grey, and decided to encase her in a “healing cocoon” while it assumed her form. It replicated her consciousness and said it would take her place while she healed, and then save her friends. Grey agreed to this. The shuttle crashed in Jamaica bay and stayed there until the Avengers searched it several years later to find Grey’s then-healed body. Meanwhile, the phoenix force, now thinking it was Jean Grey, went to the Shi’Ar empire to stop their mad ruler named D’ken who wanted to use the M’Krann crystal to obliterate the cosmos. The crystal was a tesseract , which is a kind of hypercube that exists in more dimensions than we have. The crystal contained a neutron galaxy, which was the size of the head of a pin and contained only neutrons, which had more gravity than a black hole and vast powers. After defeating the mad D’Ken, the new Shi’Ar ruler, a princess Lilandra fell in love with Professor X and -
(Marilyn grabs her head.)

Marilyn: Erg- uhn- alternate reality child coming back in time to - gremph - AAAHHHH!!!
(Marilyn falls down, unconscious.)

SFX: KLUNK!!

Crow: Good thing we didn’t have her explain Spider-Man: Maximum Clonage.
Big John: Oh my god! You killed Marilyn!
Mike (uneasy): Well, it’s not like I intended to.

(The Fan Fiction light comes on again.)

Tom: We’ve got fan fiction again.
Magic voice: Commercial light.

(Use your favorite Mike era season opening. Commercial. We see this obscure punk band playing.)

Announcer: Bands! Have you hit a dry spell? Haven’t had a hit in years? Well, don’t let that stop you from making tons of money off the past! You can breathe new life into those old hits by having them put on a movie soundtrack!

(Next we see the Ozark Mountain Daredevils playing.)

Singer: Come on Jackie/ Now Jackie Blue -

(The singer continues to sing in the background.)

Singer (voice over): Hi, remember us? Of course you don’t. We’re the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, and we had only one hit back in the mid 1970’s. But we’ve managed to put our hit song on several movies soundtracks, and the royalties keep rolling in!

(Next we see Modern English playing.)

Singer (voice over): Chances are you don’t remember us either. We’re Modern English, and in the early 1980’s we had a hit. Even though since then we’ve never been anywhere near our success, we’ve managed to keep our single in the limelight by putting it on a movie soundtrack and some commercials. We’ve earned enough royalties on it so that we can tour and record new stuff without having to worry about it.

Announcer: That’s the movie soundtrack. Don’t delay, do it today!

(We come back to the door sequence. )

10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1-

(Theater. We see Mike and the bots sitting there.)

Mike: So what has Pearl dredged up from the pits of Satan this time?

Crow: Let’s take a look here...

>"Dancing"
>by JenX
>[email protected]

Tom: JenX... isn’t she the one who did that “Liberation” we had a few days ago?

Big John: Yep.

Crow: Oh God, not more rants about what a hunk Chamber is!

Mike: Some women will fall in love with anyone.

>I want to dance with you.

Mike (sings): Let’s dance/ Put on your red shoes and dance the blues.
Crow (sings): Won’t you dance with me/ In your own reality/ Won’t you dance with me...
Tom (Sings): Dancing, dancing, dancing!/ I’m a dancing machine!
Crow: What? You don’t have any legs!
Tom: So? You don’t have any rhythm.
Big John: If I dance with you, will you let me take you home?
Mike (annoyed): Big John!!

>So we dance in the empty abandoned warehouse ballroom of my mind,

Mike: I would avoid using the words “empty” and “mind” in the same sentence.
Crow: Well, it’s pretty obvious that it’s bad.
Big John (sings): The only checks I’ve left unsigned/ Are in the banks of chaos in my mind.

>which has been outfitted with mirrors on its short walls.

Crow (sings): Mirror s on the ceiling/ Cheap champagne on ice/
Big John: Yea, Pearl’s got some mirrors on the ceiling of her bedchamber.
Tom: Really.
Big John: Yea, she likes to watch everyone suffer.

>Windows line the tall half of the long wall -- I don't know what's opposite that.

Mike: So you don’t know what’s in your mind, hmm?
Crow: Well, this is a woman’s mind...
Tom: Hey, don’t get all Ally McBeal on us.

>The walls are brick, red brick, and buildings can be seen outside the windows.

Mike: Wait a minute. Didn’t she just say that she didn’t know what was opposite that mirror lined wall?
Big John: Yep.
Crow: “Red brick” As opposed to the blue brick which doesn’t work very well.

>The floor is hardwood;

Crow: To match the writer’s hard head.
Big John: And hard body.
Tom: And how do you know that?
Big John: In the marvel universe, every woman’s a total babe and every man’s a hot stud.
Crow: Must make up for having to die and get resurrected over and over.
Mike: *SIGH*

>the ceiling is high and unfinished.

Mike: So they’re dancing in a place in her mind that’s got holes in it?
Tom: She must have a mind like Swiss Cheese.
Crow: Frankly, this whole plot has holes in it.
Tom: Plot? I don’t see a plot so far.

>And you're just looking at me --

Big John: Because you’ve got this piece of spinach stuck in your teeth.
Mike: So they’ve stopped dancing.
Tom: Well, you humans can’t dance forever.
Crow: I never understood why you humans spend a lot of time staring into each other’s eyes. I mean, it’s not like they constantly change or something.
Mike: You wouldn’t understand.

>you're in your trademark clothes so dark,

Mike: No! Not the “dark” Chamber again!

Tom: Maybe they’re giving all the teams a “dark” character. Pretty soon, we’ll have a dark Captain America, Dark Cannonball, a dark Thunderstrike II, and even a dark Prodigy.
Big John: They already did a dark Captain America. He’s called USAgent.
All but Big John: Who?????
Big John: Look in next month’s Thunderbolts.

>but your eyes seem to smile tenderly.

Mike: Someone revoke this woman’s artistic license!

>I'm nervous --

Crow: Pleased to meet you, I’m Crow D. Robot, and these are Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Big John.
Mike: You may be nervous, but I’m getting bored. Where’s all the action? Where’s the great grandeur that is Marvel?
Tom: This is a fan fiction. They don’t have that here. Besides, that died long ago.
Mike: Well, they should.

>there's something about you that excites and frightens me all at once.

Mike: Well, there’s something about this fanfic that bores and disgusts me all at once.
Tom: It’s called “Shakespearean verbiage challenged.” Got to get into that politically correct stuff these days, you know.
Big John: Translated, it’s called horrible writing. I don’t really care for political correctness.
Mike: Figures.

>And no matter what you say I think you're beautiful.

Big John: Ah! No! Pearl naked flashbacks!

Crow: Big John?

Big John (catches himself): Sorry. I had to say that to Pearl a lot before she undressed.
Tom: You’ve seen Pearl naked and you’re still functioning?
Big John: It wasn’t easy. My optical sensors nearly blew.

>There ought to be music playing,

Tom: But I kinda sorta forgot to pay the electric bill so we can’t.
Mike: This is supposed to take place in her mind.
Tom: So she didn’t pay the psychology bill.
Crow: No problem, the only device I could bring was a vinyl record player.

>but I can't find the right CD so there isn't any.

Mike: Well, I’ve got the best of Yoko Ono you can borrow.
Crow: “Best of” and “Yoko Ono.” Mike, that’s a contradiction of terms.
Big John: I’ve got the Mojo Nixon/Jello Biafra CD and I’ll let you use it.
All but Big John: WHO????

Big John: Mojo Nixon and Jello Biafra. Mojo was the guy who sang “Don Henley Must Die” and Jello was the lead singer of the Dead Kennedys.
Crow: They did a CD together?
Tom: That’s scary.
Big John: Not really. It’s not as scary as the Vagina Dental Organ meets G.G. Allen CD.

>You mention that you might have some so I wait --

Tom: Just like we’re waiting for the action to commence on this one. I want some violence!!

Big John: I want her to -
Mike (interrupts): We all know what you want, you don’t need to say it.

>I sit on the floor and watch as you go to the sound system.

Tom: And blow it to bits! Yipee!!

Mike: Come on, a woman wrote this. There’s not going to be any mindless violence.

Tom: Man. that takes all the fun out of it.
Big John: Well, you can always have mindless -
Mike: Don’t even go there.

>I love the way your hair falls,

Mike: Uh-oh. She’s shaving his hair off.
Crow (as JenX): I want a lock of your hair - in fact, I want all of your hair!
Big John: Why stop at the hair? Take him all!
Tom (sings): Why not take all of me?
Mike: Maybe she’s practicing for her day job with the IRS

>the way your jacket sits on your shoulders --

Mike: Wouldn’t a jacket be more effective if he was wearing it?
Crow: Maybe he’s trying to make a fashion statement.

>that much I know is there.

Big John: Oh, so his mutant power didn’t blow that off. She’s getting him -
Mike: Big John!

Crow: But one thing that seems to be missing here is a plotline!

Tom: I got to agree with you on that.

>You come back almost jogging;

Tom: Must need the exercise.
Big John: Maybe she’s trying to encourage all those mouse potatoes out there to get off their chairs and exercise.
Mike: Yea, I get enough exercise around here.
Crow: That and Pearl gives you a half month’s food rations and expects you to live on that for a month.

>you're happy and now most certainly smiling as best you can, considering.

Mike: How can he smile? He doesn’t have a mouth!!
Big John: Maybe he borrowed Wolverine’s healing factor.

>The music -- it's anything from "Pretty Good Year" to "I've Had the Time of My Life" but now --

Mike: Never heard of either song.
Crow: They’re slow, sappy ballads and very horrible. Kinda apropos for a horrible fan fic.
Big John: I still think they should use my Mojo Nixon/Jello Biafra CD. Especially “Are you drinkin’ with me Jesus?” and “Will the fetus be aborted.”
Tom: I’m surprised that actually sold any copies.

>now it's quickly becoming "Truly Madly Deeply" -- a good choice.

Mike: This is truly terrible.
Crow: and madly constructed.
Tom: And the writer is deeply disturbed.

>Our fingers interlock;

Big John: Because, after all, they can’t kiss since Chamber doesn’t have a mouth.
Crow (as Chamber): Alright, I love you, now let go of my hand!

>your hands are warm and callused and I know the roughness of your fingers come from hours spent >against guitar strings.

Crow (as JenX): Just like you to choose a guitar over me.
Big John (as Chamber): Guitar’s don’t have fragile emotions, emotions that I’m constantly trotting on. You lot change your minds faster than a channel surfer can change channels.

>Your other hand is at my waist but it's almost like you're afraid to touch me --

Big John: Yea! Go for it! Cop a feel!
Mike: Big John!
Tom: For who knows what kind of strange diseases you have?
Crow: Yea, you could be carrying something worse than AIDS.
Big John: Hey, it doesn’t matter to me, I’m a robot, I don’t get STDs.

>I understand it's hard for you but don't refrain from reaching my spare hand up around your neck.

Mike: She’s got three hands?
Tom: Well, in the story, she is a mutant...
All but Mike: Forearm!!
Mike: Who?
Crow: He was that guy over in X-Force that had four arms and superhuman strength.
Mike: Well, I guess his code name makes sense.

>This is how to dance, right?

Big John: Uh... no. These days you just move to the beat while facing your partner.
Crow: Usually dances these days don’t involve touching.
Mike: I can never keep up with these new dances.

>My stray thought nearly embarrasses me and would have caused me to blush if it had been anyone else >but you --

Mike: Man I really hate run-on sentences why doesn’t she use a period and start a new sentence?
Crow: Beats me, Mike I’ve given up trying to figure out these writers.
Tom: Maybe JenX went to the same school as Dan Quayle what do you think Big John?
Big John: I think the three of you have been on this satellite too long.

>but if it had, he wouldn't have heard it in the first place.

Mike: Was this written shortly after Generation X #42?
Tom: Frankly, telepathy can be curse at times. I mean, would you want to know what goes on in some people’s heads?
Mike: Well, if it was Big John, definitely not.

>And I don't even know if you're reading me now -- but I don't care.

Crow (sings): Well I don’t know/ And I don’t care/ So just get out of my life!

Tom: I’d like to have this fan fiction out of my life.
Mike: To get it out of a life, one must first have a life.
Big John (sings): Well I don’t care if you don’t/ And I won’t say it if you won’t say it/ Oh, oh, oh oh / Let’s go to bed/

>We've stopped moving around the room;

Crow:Because some idiot waxed the floor with superglue, and we’re stuck here.
Tom (as JenX): But as long as we’re together, I’m happy.

>we've been relegated to one corner even though we're quite alone.

Crow: Because that’s where our feet got stuck.
Big John: It’s probably the only way she could have gotten him to be with her.
Mike: (Ignoring Big John): Yea... stuck like this plotline.
Tom: I still don’t see a plot here.

>Somehow I'm drawn closer to you --

Crow: It could be the magnets in my pockets and the iron in yours.
Big John: Or just raging hormones.

>somehow my arms are both around your neck and I can feel the energy pulsating within you,

Mike: So she’s choking him to death.
Crow (as JenX, angered): How dare you spurn me why I ought to kill you right now!

>that bright fire that's replaced a heartbeat.

Tom (Sings): If I only had a heart.
Mike: If only this fan fic writer could come up with something good.

>You're warm to the touch, and dry, and almost solid --

Crow: But you decided to use one of those politically incorrect spray deodorants instead.
Tom: How unfeeling you are for the environment! Now we in the future have to deal with it.

>very nearly solid --

Tom: Oh man, he’s turned into a liquid!
Crow: It’s really Vincente! And he’s here to kill you!

>it's like something's just a little off-color with consistency --

Mike: So he told you one of Big John’s jokes.
Big John: Come on, everyone else thought it was funny.

>but you smell wonderful.

Crow: After I doused you with all that cologne.
Tom: And plugged up my nose.

>I wonder what you're thinking.

All but Big John: GOD I WANT AWAY FROM YOU AS FAST AS POSSIBLE!!
Big John: God, I want to take you-
Mike (interrupts): Don’t make me have to tape up your optical sensors.

>I pull away --

Crow (As JenX): Because I suddenly found out you haven’t bathed in weeks!

All: EEEEWWWW!

>the music's still going but I don't care --

Tom: Wasting electricity! How politically incorrect!
Mike: I never could understand political correctness.

>and there is a question and a pain in you: a wounded curiosity.

Crow: Oh man, you wounded him!
Mike: The only question I have is why was this written in the first place?

>I want to explain so much to you but I'm afraid I don't know the answers myself.

Tom (as the White Queen): You don’t know the answers, Jen, then you’re going to fail the test.
Crow (as JenX): No! Please! Don’t fail me! I don’t want to be away from my Chamber!

>As my fingers shakily trace the black collar of your leather jacket,

Big John: Quivering in anticipation for the good time we’re about to have -
Mike: Big John! Stop the sexual innuendoes! This fan fic is bad enough!
Big John: I think we’re going to have to build you a pleasurebot, Mike.

>you stand stone still, plaintive and weary --

All: We’re getting weary of this fan fic!

> too weary for your years.

Mike: And all the years we’ve been here on the SOL.

>So much has happened to you.

Mike: Yea, sometimes it feels like I’ve been trapped in this satellite forever!

>And I know it isn't possible, but at this moment I would like very much to kiss you.

Mike: I’m not too sure I’d want to kiss her.
Crow: Well, even if you can’t kiss lips, you can always touch your lips to his -

Mike (interrupts): CROW!!
Crow: I was going to say cheek.
Mike: Well, that’s the end of the fan fic.

(The Lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge.)

Big John: I wonder if JenX is gonna win the Forbush award for worst writer?
Crow: She’s been nominated.
Tom: Then again, that Spider-Gwen one was horrific.
Gypsy: We have an incoming communication.

(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl and her son.)

Pearl: Well, how do you feel now? Not so happy are we?
(Mike and the bots look at each other, and laugh.)

Pearl: Ah-ha! You laugh because you’re out of your minds!
Mike: Not quite. We laugh because we like the look on your face every time we tell you you’ve failed.
Pearl: Curse you! I’ll find a way to break you yet!
Crow: She hasn’t been successful so far.
Tom: She’s come up with the worst movies, books, fan fiction, and even internet sites But we’ve persevered, through years off the stuff. We can take it as she dishes it out.

Mike: We’ll never be beaten, Forrester!
Pearl: I’ll be back, and when I come back, I’ll find something so horrific that you won’t last 5 minutes!!