Original by The Commission on Superhuman Activities
MiST by Quamp
MiSTer’s note: As always, the Commission’s e-mail is invalid. O.k., I was challenged to do one without Big John in it. Well, here goes...
(Use your favorite Mike-Pearl season intro here. Scene: SOL bridge. We see Mike, Gypsy, Tom, and Crow looking out and seeing a comet slowly passing by.)
Mike: Ah, The Edmunton-Corbert comet. Isn’t it pretty?
Crow: Well Mike, it would be, but it’s coming this way slowly!
Gypsy: Don’t worry, Crow, the comet will miss us by 1/7th of a parsec. We’ll be in the edge of its tail, and it won’t harm the station.
Mike: Well, that’s good to hear.
(The screen comes to life, and shows Pearl and an Observer there.)
Pearl : Ah, Mike, how are we today?
Mike: Well, o.k... .there’s a nice view of the Edmunton-Corbert comet here.
Pearl : Well, it’s time for this week’s invention exchange. You did remember that I said we were going to revive that, didn’t you?
Mike: Yea, yea. I got something.
Pearl: So what do you have this week?
Mike: Ah, say hello to something revolutionary.
(Mike pulls out a chalkboard, and shows it to Pearl. The chalkboard has a white frame on it.)
Mike: Meet the squeekless chalkboard. No matter how much you run your fingernails on it, this chalkboard won’t make that horrible fingernails-on-a-blackboard sound. Just listen.
(Mike runs his fingernails over the blackboard, and we hear nothing.)
Pearl : Hmm... that’s nice, but just wait until you get a load of my invention... the banana ager!
(Pearl Forrester pulls out a contraption that looks like a serving plate with a dome cover on it, and some green bananas.)
Mike: I’m probably going to regret asking this, but what does it do?
Pearl : You know how when you buy bananas in stores, they’re always green? Well, I’ve found a way to artificially age them and turn them nice and yellow. Allow me to demonstrate.
(Pearl puts the bananas in the machine, then closes it. She then turns on the machine, then turns it off. When he opens the machine again, the green bananas have turned black.)
Pearl : Hmm... must have set it on too high. Well, so much for that. Now we’re giving you a wonderfully horrid piece of fan fiction... it’s called “Crucify the Insincere” and it’s by those wonderful purveyors of putridness, the Commission on Superhuman Activities.
Tom: Please! Anyone but the Commission again!
Crow: I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Mike...
(Pearl Forrester flips the fan fiction switch.)
Pearl Forrester: Have fun... heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh... Oh, I so love being a power- mad would-be conqueror.....
(The fan fiction light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We’ve got fanfic sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. We see Mike and the Bots come in, and sit down.)
Mike: Let’s see what we got here...
>X-Force:
>“CrUcIfY tHe InSiNcErE”
>By the Commission on Superhuman Activiites.
MiSTer’s Note: Again, the e-mail they give us is invalid.
Mike: Just leave a flame on their guest book.
Tom: Uh... they don’t have a guest book.
>Teaser Image: We see Marrow and Maggott stalking the Crucifier.
Tom: Since when were Marrow and Maggott in X-Force?
Crow: Since now, I guess.
>(Page 1, pane 1. We see the Crucifier sit in a chair.)
Mike: Say, what does this Crucifier look like?
Crow: Beats me, Mike.
>Crucifier: Soon, I shall have my revenge... he think he can get away from me... he am wrong.
Mike: Why is it that there’s always something in their pasts with a villain like this?
Crow: Probably because it would be boring if it wasn’t.
Tom: And with it in makes it exciting?
>(Panel 2. Crucifier stand.)
>Crucifier: So Ramirez think he can evade me? He am wrong!
Mike: So are you. It should be He is wrong.
Tom: Who is Ramirez?
Crow: I’m afraid to ask about that.
>(Panel 3. The Crucifier sit.)
Tom: [like the cheer] Sit down! Stand up! Fight, fight fight!
>Crucifier: But first, I have to get rid of that interfere team of his...
Crow: After all, as Vince Lombardi said, if you don’t have teamwork, you don’t have -
Mike: Crow!
>(Panel 4. The Crucifier stand, strike a dramatik poser.)
Tom: Hey you poser, go back to listening to Hanson and the Spice Girls!
Crow: Hey, we get inundated with them 24 hours a day.
>Crucf:Ix Now am the time to act! He am mine!
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: [Angelically] Mike, Big John isn’t here.
Mike: Sorry, force of habit.
>(Page 2, panel 1. X-Forts headquarters, San Diego.
Tom: Gee, I always thought it was in San Francisco... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
>Domatrix look out the wondie, stare at the La Brea tarpits.)
Mike: Aren’t the La Brea Tarpits in Los Angles?
Crow: Yea... she must have really good eyesight to be able to see them from San Diego.
>Domatrix’s thoughts: Ah, me. The seasons come and go...
Mike: That’s ripped of from the poem “Tithonius”
Crow: (announcer voice) and accepting the award for least original story... the Commission on Superhuman activities!
Tom: You know, they really turn round robins into roadkill.
>(Panel 2. Enter sIren.)
(Crow imitates a siren.)
Tom: [Authoritative voice] All right, buddy, pull over! Now where’s the fire?
>Sirn: Domatrix what am going on here why amyou so nervous can’t you open up too us at least once?
Mike: What’s with this writer? Why is s/he using only first person singular verbs?
>Domatrix: Sorry Teary My mind am on other things.
Crow: Well, if I wave in this fan fic, I’d want to cry too.
>(Panel 3. Siren turn.)
>Siren: You can’t hold it in forever Don. Talk to us.
Tom: There’s only one of you there, isn’t there?
Crow: She must be hitting the bottle again and getting double vision.
>(Panel 4. Domatrix exit.)
Tom: [as Domatrix/Domino] Sorry Terry/Teary, I’ve got to go make a delivery, and if it’s not there in 30 minutes, it’s free!
>page 3, panel 1. Siren turn to see Wartpath there. ()
Mike: Huh?
>Siren: Hello Jamie. What am up?
(All look up.)
Crow: looks like a ceiling to me.
>Wartpath:
Tom: [as Wartpath/Warpath] Quick Terry/Teary! Have you seem my Compound W?
>Teary, I have some serious nudes for you.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Big John still isn’t here...
Mike: I have to make sure.
>Siren: What is it, Jamie?
>(Panel 3. They continue to talk.)
Tom: Hey... they’re getting a little better...
Mike: I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I were you.
>Wartpath: I have this feeling,
Tom: [as Wartpath/Warpath]And it’s like a small pain in my left shoulder what should I do?
Mike: Try taking some aspirin.
Crow: [sings] When I get this feeling/ Of Sexual Healing...
Mike: Crow!!
>Things are going to be rough for us....
Crow: Well, of course things are going to be rough for you. You’re X-People, you lives are full of angst.
Mike: “We all suffer, but we all suffer differently.”
>Siren: I have the same feeling too, Jamie.
Crow: [as Siryn/Siren] After all, those broad shoulders, that well-chiseled features...
Mike: Crow! Big John not being here is not an excuse for you to do what he does!
>(Panel 4. Domatrix exits.)
>Domatrix: That’m it ie leave this am two much for me.
Crow: Yea! Run! Flee! Get out of this while you can!
Tom: A bit late for that.
>Pag(e 4, panel 1. Wartpath and Siren e nietne.)
All: HUH!?!?!?
>Wartpath: I’l so glad I have you to open up to. Ali this thigh and trouble, I’m glad to have someone to lob.
Mike: Don’t even try this one.
Crow: How about this: [as Siryn] Well, I’m returning yer lob with a smash, and that’s game, set, an’ match.
>(Panel 2. Go over to see Somspot and Meltdawn hold each other close.)
Tom: Meltdawn? You mean she’s putting a Sirius character to a torch?
Crow: Well, it would explain that thing on her eye....
Mike: Please, don’t confuse me even more than I am now. Marvel characters are confusing enough.
Crow: [sings] If you love somebody, why not set them on fire?
>Somspot: Well, here we are again, Teb.
>Meltdawn: Yea....
Crow: Yep, that sure is you two all right... I think.
>(Panel 3. They embrace.)
Mike: Uhn, I don’t mean to be pedantic, but weren’t they already holding each other close?
Crow: I’m afraid to go back and look.
>(Panel 4. They kiss.)
Crow: Rule number 8 of Marveldom: When you’ve got pages to waste, use them by showing people in love and kissing.
>Pashe5, panel 1. Go back to Doma trix. She am getting the male.)
Crow: Silly rabbit! Trix are for kids!
Tom: Oh goody! A happy story where the heroine gets the hunk at the end.
Mike: I hate to tell you this, but this story is far from over.
>Domatrix’s thoughts: Male time again...
Crow: Say, is there -
Mike: [interrupts] Don’t try this one.
>(Panel 2. She finds a litter addressed to Mick Ramires.)
Mike: Who’s Mick Ramires?
Bots: I got a bad feeling about this one....
>(Panel 3. Domatrix opens the letter.)
>Domatrix: Who could know my real name?
Crow: Her real name is Mick Ramirez? I don’t get it.
MiSTer’s Note: There appears to be some text missing here.
Mike: Aw, not again!
Tom: And just when it went from being absolutely putrid to just terrible.
>(Panel 3. They kess.)
Tom: They tune into a Spanish-speaking Tejano station in Dallas, Texas?
Crow: I never knew X-Force (other than Sunspot) was bilingual.
>)Panel 4. The ship drove the store down luck.(
All:: HUH!?!?!?!?
Crow: That makes no sense whatsoever.
>(Pa?Ge 9, panel 1. Go back to the Crucifier. We see him gathering his mionions.)
Crow: Man, look at all these mionions! I’ll bet I can get $1.00 for them at the store though.
>(Panel 2. The Crucifier adress the mionions.)
Tom: 1407 Greymalkin Lane, Salem Center, New York, 10123
Crow: 387 Park Ave. South, New York, New York 10016.
>Crucifier: SO!
Crow: [sings] A needle pulling thread!
Tom: We’ve used that joke before.
Mike: Well, you try coming up with new stuff on the same old hash that the Commission writes.
>I have gathered the best in the bizness to see who can hell me kill Remiris/
Mike: Don’t even think about trying this one.
Crow: Mike, Big John still isn’t here...
>We will marsh onto their headquarts, and take them by suprize.
Crow: [as the Crucifier] We will fill their headquarts with bog, peat, Spanish Moss and snakes!
Tom: Headquarts .... You mean their heads are hollow and they’re a quart size?
Mike: All except Cannonball. He’s always had a swelled head.
>(Pain 3.
Tom: More honesty in fan fiction!
>They go out the door.)
Tom: [as a minion] Ah, your idea stinks, we don’t like it. We’re outta here.
>: Forward, my mionions. Go forth and crush Ramirez.
Mike: Uh... who just said that?
Crow: Presumably the Crucifier.
>(Pane-l 4. Yjr Vtivogort g;u pgg.)
All: Huh???
Crow: [Swedish accent] Are you speaking Swedish or something?
>(Page 10, panel 1. Go back to X-Fort. We see Damino, Serin, Moanstar, and Meltdawn dressed up like laids of the night.)
Mike: Don’t try this one either.
Tom: Man, this is turning into a real turkey shoot.
Crow: Good thing we’re not on the wrong side of the gun barrel.
>Serin: Oy ‘ate this, mates. Oy feel like a bleeding tart.
Mike: Siryn with an Australian accent?
Crow: Let’s not get into that “What if Rogue was New York Jewish?” story again.
>Panel 2. (They go out onto the streets.)
Crow: [sings] Meet me out on the street/ I’ll be waiting for you!
Mike: Bruuuuuce!!! Ah, I’ve always had a soft spot for the Boss.
>Doma trix: Come on Tearing we agreed to this the ice squad was low on people so we volunteered to catch paners for them
Crow: I never knew it was against the law to have ice in a pan.
Tom: Must be one of those weird laws like “It’s illegal to sing out of tune in a city in North Carolina.” thing.
>Serin: That doesn’t make me feel better, mate.
Mike: Well, none of this makes us feel good.
>(Panel 3. They stand out on a street corner.)
Crow: [sings] And happiness bled/ From every street corner...
Mike: Who is that?
Crow: They Might Be Giants, from the song “The Day.”
>A(Nel 4. Suddenly the Crucifier and his mionions enter.)
Mike: Ah, onions always give me gas.
Tom: This onions are a pain just a little lower than that.
>Crucifier: I WILL KILL YOU, RAMHEREZ!!! DIET!!!
Mike: [as the Crucifier] Yea, and if you don’t loose weight, I’ll lock you in a room with Richard Simmons!
Crow: Egads! Can there be a worse fate?
Tom: Not many...
>Damino: Geoffrey!! You should ahve stayed died!
Mike: Come on, nobody stays dead in the Marvel Universe for very long.
Crow: Ah, he’s learned so much, hasn’t he?
Tom: Now if we could just get him to distinguish between comic book companies....
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. SOL bridge. Mike and the bots look as if they have just escaped from something terrible.)
Tom: Oh, thank God we got a break. This is inhumane, so terrible... fan fiction that bad should be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.
Crow: Whew! I thought my circuits were going to go into illogic overload there.
Mike: Courage, everyone... we’ve beaten these Commission fan fics before, and we can do it again... Right after this.
(Commercials. When we come back, SOL bridge. Mike, Crow, Tom, and Gypsy stand there. Crow has several pads, crash helmets, and other things there.)
Crow: I’m getting ready for the return of this fan fic, Mike. I’m hoping that that this protection will stop the fan fic from hurting me.
Mike: Crow, that’s not the way to go. There’s really no defense against bad fan fiction, except tearing it to pieces.
(The fan fic sign lights up.)
Mike: AH! We got fanfic sign!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots enter, then sit.)
Crow: I’ve got it all ready here, crash helmet, catcher’s pads, gloves, I think I can make it.
>Dear Amazon.com Past Contest Entrant,
>I'm excited to tell you that we've opened Amazon.com Auctions.
All: HUH!?!?!?!?
Tom: What happened to the story!?
Crow: Are you sure you want to find out?
Tom: Well, now that you mention it...
>Auctions is something truly different for Amazon.com.
Tom: Looks like someone uploaded the wrong file here.
Crow: Of course auctions are different. None of that namby-pamby bidding with money, we take only special favors here.
Mike: Crow!
>In the past, if you bought something at our store, you were always buying directly from us.
Crow: But now we’re like every other company in the world and outsourced it!
>Now, with Auctions, our community of almost 8 million customers can sell anything they want to on the Amazon.com Web site.
Crow: Cool! I want me a hot blonde babe with big -
Mike: Stop it! That’s not what he meant!
Tom: Well, he did say anything...
Mike: (turns to Tom) Don’t encourage him, Tom!
>Letting millions of sellers participate at Amazon.com is another way for us to give you the broadest selection possible.
Crow: Yea, blondes, brunettes, redheads, Black babes, Asian, Native American, and -
Mike: Crow! Stop it! Slavery is illegal here!
>You'll find rare books and signed first editions, rare music, vintage toys, antiques, sports memorabilia, collectibles of all kinds, etc., etc.
Mike: Don’t even try this one.
Crow: You’re always taking the good ones away.
>We're also doing something bold with Auctions--we're guaranteeing buyers a safe auction experience,
Tom: Yea, none of those namby-pamby roughhouses, this place locks everything up to where you can’t get it, even after you buy it!
>and we're doing it on the honor system.
Mike: Doesn’t this sentence contradict the last one?
>Essentially, we'll take your word for it if you're ever the victim of fraud.
Mike: Hey, I was the victim of fraud. I was told I’d be going to someplace nice here. So what are you going to do about it?
>There are some restrictions; for example, the guarantee doesn't apply to purchases above $250 (the vast majority of items sell for significantly less than that).
Crow: So if something sold for $251, you’re screwed.
>The guarantee is described in full on the Web site.
Crow: At http://www.blowme.com
Mike: Crow! Cut it out!
>Finally, and most important, we'd like to take this opportunity to recommit to you.
Tom: [sings] “ ‘Cause I gotta have faith/ I gotta have faith/ I gotta have faith, faith, faith/ I gotta have faith.”
Mike: Ever hear the parody of that song? [sings] Won’t you turn this cash flow into an ocean/ And we’ll have money coming out the door/ When you realize now/ This foolish notion/ That you can have money and artistic fulfillment at the same time! ‘Cause I gotta have pay/ I gotta have pay/ I gotta have pay, pay, pay, I need my pay.”
>In everything we do, we'll try to be the best, the most innovative, and the most customer-obsessed.
All: Fatal Attraction!
>That's as true as ever for books; it's true for music and videos; it's true for auctions; and it'll be true for everything new we do.
Mike: I’m glad my ex-girlfriend isn’t one of them.
Tom: You have an ex-girlfriend?
>We've worked hard to bring you Amazon.com Auctions and we're super-proud of it.
Crow: Must have been difficult working while hard.
Mike: That’s not what he means!
>I think you'll be surprised how easy it is to use.
Crow You just unwrap it, put it over your -
Mike: That’s not what he’s talking about, Crow! Stop it!
>Please give it a try:
Mike: Just say no, people!
Tom: I’d have to see what she looks like first.
Mike: She looks like Broom Hilda.
>Thanks for your support.
>Sincerely, Jeff Bezos
>Founder & CEO
>Amazon.com
Crow: Well, now we know who to blame for this spam.
Tom: Man, that last part made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Mike: I’m sure someone just uploaded the wrong file on that.
>(Page 16, panel 1. They survey the damage that was done in the fight.)
Tom: Aw man, we missed a goof fight!
Mike: You mean a good fight.
Tom: Mike, This is the Commission on Superhuman Activities writing...
Crow: He means a goof fight.
>Seryn: This is terrible we’ve lost Don and now all this.
Crow: I wish I could figure out what’s going on here...
Tom: You really want to know what really happened during that fight?
Crow: Well, now that I think about it...
>Meltdon: Chair up, Tearing. We’ll get her back.
Crow: [raps] Baby got back!
Mike: Not quite.
Tom: Chair up? Is this member fixated with furniture?
>(Panel 2. Somespto flies up into the hair, carrying Moanstar.)
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Mike, Big John still isn’t here...
Tom: Man, they’re making it too easy on us...
>Moanstar: I can see their tail... They’re going to Chintown.
Crow: Where Jay Leno grew up.
>Seryn: Let’s git after them, y’all.
All: Siryn with a Southern Drawl!?!?!?
Crow: The spirit of J. Wellington* is running amok!
>(Panel f4. Seryn and the gang fly off. after Donino and the Cru cifyer.)
Crow: Siryn. Cannonball, and Sunspot I can swallow flying. Meltdown and Jessie Aaronson flying, I cannot.
Tom: I guess the others are carrying them.
>Page(!7, ppanel 1. Chintown. They come to the hideout of the Crucifier.)
Crow: Hey, look! It’s Jay Leno’s mom!
>Seryn: Be careful, guys.
>(Panel 2. Goe inside to show Donino strapped to a bored.)
Mike: That last word pretty much sums up this fan fic.
>Crucifire:
Mike: Kids, don’t play with fire. You’re bound to get burned.
>You have torted, humiliated, and embarassed me!!
Crow: [as the Crucifier] How could you make me eat a chocolate cake that you put chocolate ex-lax in!?
Mike: Crow!!
>Well, I shall have my regenge!
Mike: I’m not too sure I want to find out what that is.
>Behealed!
Tom: Run for your life! It’s the attack of the annoying street preachers!!
>I have the sord of ill fate. One touch of its blade caused the victim bad lick forever!
Crow: [raps] I be feelin’ mighty sore if this fanfic lasts too much more.
>Donino: You friend!
Mike: Well, if someone was about to give me bad luck, I wouldn’t call them a friend.
: >(Panel 3. The members of X-Forts crash through the walt.)
Crow: And gave Mr. Disney two broken bones, a chipped tooth and severe bruises!
>Syren: Stop right there, Cruxipier!!
Mike: [as the Crucifier] Well, since there’s nobody here by that name, I’ll go ahead.
>Cruxipier: You’re two late, Syren!! I wilt have my evenge!~
Crow: I’m going to turn all these mionions rotten! They’ll wilt to no end!
>P(anel 4> We see them confront him.)
>Damina: Give it up.
Crow: Please take her advice. Give up writing.
>(Page 81, 1 pane. The mionions a tack X-Forts.)
Crow: And the members of X-Force sliced them up, causing them to cry!
>Meltdawn: Take some of my powe!
Crow: Can I get that with a side of fries?
>(Panel 2. Meltdawn shoots her sikick arrows at the mionions.)
Crow: Gee, and to think all this time I thought Moonstar was the one who could shoot psychic arrows... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
MiSTer’s note: Again we have text missing.
Mike: This story is turning into Swiss Cheese!
>(Page 22, panel 1. The members of X-Forts surround the Cruxipier.)
Mike: Why have they cut out all the battle scenes?
Crow: Tipper Gore strikes again!
>Syren: Alright, Cruxipier, Youse got one shot let. Make it count.
Tom: I miss Siryn’s Irish Brogue.
>Cruxtipier: Well.... I don’t have any superhuman powers.....
Mike: What!? A bad villain like him, and you didn’t give him superpowers!?
Crow: What a waste of a cool villain name!
>Damina: Then you’re going to gaol.
Mike: And while you’re at it...
>(Panel 2. X-Forts head quartrs. Er drr yjr, v;rsmomg I[ yjr [;sve.
All: HUH!?!?!?
Crow: There’s that Swedish-like thing again.
>Damina: Be sure to get
Tom: Get what?
Mike: A clue for the authors.
>(Panel 3. They all smile.)
Crow: Even this Crucifier dude?
>Damino: Just be shure to have gun.
Tom: Have gun, will travel.
>(Panel 4. They laugh.)
>End.
Crow: They laugh, and smile while their plots for mass murder take shape.
Mike: Not quite.
(The lights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. We see them in the bridge now.)
Tom: Whew! That was close.
Crow: You said it. Man, we’ve gotten fan fic after fan fic from them. Each one is more putrid than the last.
(The screen comes on, and shows Pearl and the Observer.)
Pearl: Well, not so sane now, are we?
Mike: I feel fine, Pearl. You’ve lost again.
Pearl: What!? I give you the foulest, most putrid works of man, and you still won’t go insane!?
Mike: Well... no. I kinda like being sane.
(Pearl is frustrated.)
Pearl: ARGH!! Curse you, Nelson!! I’ll be back, and when I do, I’ll have something even worse for you!!
(The screen goes off.)
Mike: Well, even though the show’s gone, the spirit of it will live forever.