Original by The Commission on Superhuman Activities
MiST by The Icehole
MiSTer’s note: This is NOT the good Tomb Raider/ X-men crossover that everyone has come to know and love. This is a horrible fan fic by the Commission on Superhuman Activities. “They’re unoriginal, uncreative, and should be arrested for butchering the English language.” - a flame Quamp got in his e-mail.
(SOL bridge. Tom, Mike, Crow, and Big John are sitting around, doing nothing.)
Mike: Oh, hello and welcome to the satellite of love again. We’re having a little problem with this week’s script, as someone forgot to deliver us a copy of it.
(Pause.)
Mike: Well, let’s catch up with things. Anything new here?
Crow: Not really... I mean, we see each other all the time, Mike...
(Suddenly the screen comes to life, and shows Pearl and the Observer there.)
Pearl: All right, Nelson, you waste of DNA, listen up!!!
(Pause.)
Observer: Uh, Mike, that’s your cue.
Mike: Er... someone forgot to deliver this week’s script to us.
(Pearl rolls her eyes.)
Pearl: Well, play it by ear! We’ve got another fan fic by those lovely sellers of slime... the Commission on Superhuman Activities.
Tom: Oh God, not them again!
Mike: Seems like we get one of their fan fics every month.
Pearl: That’s because they produce at least 2 every month, and I pick the ones that are utterly horrible... well, go insane soon.... hehehehehehehehe...
(Pearl flips a switch, and the fan fiction light comes on.)
Mike: Ah! We got fanfic sign!!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit down.)
Mike: Courage, everyone... we’ve beaten their work before....
>Tomb Raider/X-Men
>By the Condition of Superhuman Actives
>[email protected]
MiSTer’s note: Again, their e-mail is invalid. Again, all mistakes are as they appear in the original.
Crow: [as if reading a want ad] Wanted: one proofreader. Must have a cast iron stomach to be able to take massive amounts of misspelled words, bad grammar, blatant disregards for continuity, and misc. horridness. Apply with the Commission on Superhuman Activities today.
>Teaser image: We see Rouge, Angle, Psyloch, Gambit, Wolvereene adn Laura Craft in a tomb.
Mike: After all, it’s Laura/Lara’s milieu.
Tom: They should lock all this in a tomb forever.
>Captain: Laura Craft meats the X-Men!
Crow: Pleased to meet you, I’m Crow T. Robot, and these are Mike Nelson, Tom Servo, and Big John.
Tom: She turns them into sausage??
Big John: [New York accent] I got yer meat right here, pal!
>(Page 1, panel 1. Laura Craft’s flatin Wales. We see her sitting in an easy chair, relaxing. She is in her tomb raider out fit and reads a news paper).
Crow: Funny, I always thought she was British, not Welsh... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
Tom: And she’s supposed to have a mansion, not a flat...
>Laura: Ah, me, what is this world coming to?
Mike: Definitely not stories like this one.
Crow: [sinister accent] We have come to sacrifice your children to Otto Flippa, the ancient Inca Indian God of ties!
>If it’s not death here, it’s someone getting hurt or whatnot.
Mike: Pretty apropos.
>(Panel 2. Enter a butler, wearing an outfit. He holds a telephone for Laura.)
>Butler: Ms. Craft, the Museum of Antiquities would like a word with you.
Crow: And that word is “syzygy.”
>Laura: Thank you, Jeeves. I will take the crawl.
Tom: Man, them snipers are getting better every day. We’ve got to crawl over to the phone!
>(Panel 3. Laura takes the call.)
Corw: And throws it in the trash can.
>Laura: Hello? You want me to what?
Big John: Take off -
Mike: Stop right there. Every time someone makes a suggestive comment you have to go off on one of your libido tangents.
Big John: Well, Lara is a total babe, you have to admit. Besides, it’s part of my programming.
>Go where? I see.
Mike: And don’t try this one either.
Big John: Man, you are such a sourpuss.
>(Panel 4. Laura continues to talk.)
Big John: And her rate is $5.00 for the first minute, and $3.50 for each additional minute. Nobody under 18 permitted. But hey, it’s Lara/Laura, and she gives great phone.
Mike: Not quite.
>Laura: I understand. You want it where?
Mike: Don’t try this one either.
Big John: Man, you’re taking all the good ones away.
>Will do. Chow!
Crow: Yea, I’m starving, let’s go eat.
Mike: You don’t eat, Crow. All you consume is a quart of oil now and then.
>(Page 3, panel 1. Laura hangs up the phone.)
Crow: And she found out that the call was collect. And he dialed zero too!!
Tom: Should have used 1-800-collect.
Mike: You know, the thing about those dial arounds like 10-10-321 that they don’t tell you about is that if you talk for less than 10 minutes, the rates are astronomical. Then there’s also the surcharge for using the service that you are charged. In some cases, it’s as much as $5.00 per use!
>Laura: Jeeves, star packing my things. I leave for Guatemala tomorrow!
Crow: [as the butler] Madam, it does take two weeks to pack all those outfits you wear.
>(Panel 2. Cancun, Guatemala. The X-Man known as Ganbit and Rouge lie on the beach, soaking up the topical sun. They wear a bikini and a pair of tight swimtrunks, respectivel;y.)
Big John: So he’s wearing a bikini and she’s wearing only swimtrunks? I’d like to see that!!
Mike: Cut it out, Big John.
Tom: Well, it does say in Cfan not to say Gambit likes Rouge unless the story involved “A feather boa, Scott in drag, and the Village People....”
Mike: Tom!!!
Crow: Gee, I always thought Cancún was in Mexico... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
>Ganbit: Ah, this bee the life, chair... nobody coming up to hurt us, nobody trying to take over the world...
Big John: And the only way the readers won’t fall asleep is if we show you topless, Rogue/Rouge!
Mike: Big John! Stop with the sex references!
>Rouge: I know, Raming... and I want someone special to rub sunscreen on me.
Big John: I wonder why she calls him Raming...?
Mike: Don’t even think it.
Crow: I thought prolonged contact with Rogue was fatal.
Big John: Maybe, but what a way to go!
Tom: Remember Dream Weaver? She can touch people here.
Mike: I’d like to forget that one.
>(Panel 3. Ganbit pours sunscreen on his hands, and Rouge.)
Tom: And now time for a cheap sales-boosting moment...
>Ganbit: Chair, you know I am the only man for the job.
Crow: A disease suddenly killed every other man on earth?
Tom: [as Gambit/Ganbit] It’s not often I get to work on furniture, but I am an expert in the field.
>Rouge: Just do it, Raming.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Aw, come on, just one...?
Mike: No.
>)Panel 4. Ganbit rubs Rouge with sunscreen.(
Tom: And he’s invented a new combination sunscreen/rouge! After getting for his patent, he sells it to Mary Kay cosmetics for millions of dollars, and retires wealthy on the French Rivera.
>Rouge: Mmm... you’ve got the magic touch, Raming...
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: You know, I think Claudia Schiffer said the same thing to David Copperfield.
>(Page 4, panel 1. Enter Psyloch, also wearing a bikini. She sits on the chair next to Ganbit.)
Big John: And Rogue/Rouge says “Betsy! Get off me!”
Mike: Nonononononono.
>Psyloch: Warring should be here soon so you two like to rub each other?
Big John: Well, can you blame them?
Crow: I can’t.
>(Panel 2. Enter Angle with a large beech umbrella. He sets it in the san, opening it.)
Tom: [as Gambit] Warren/Warring, we said the redwood one!
>Angle: It’s the biggest one they had, so I got it.
Big John: So that’s Betsy married him....
Mike: Not quite.
>Rouge: Thanks Warring it was getting hot out here.
Mike: But not that kind of hot.
Big John: Spoilsport.
>(Panel 3. Angle pours sunscreen on his hands.)
Tom: Uh-oh, I think we’ve got a moment of repetition coming up.
>Angle: Well, you shouldn’t be without some protection out here, Betty.
Big John: And that’s why I’ve stocked up on -
Mike: 86 the sex, Big John.
>Psyloch: This is a wonderful getaway, sure Warring, I’d like that on me.
Mike: Don’t try this one either.
Crow: Man, the audience from Nightstand would have a field day.
>(Page 5, panel 1. Go back to Laura Craft. She is flying a plane to Guatemala.)
>Laura: I should be there soon.
Tom: [as Lara/Laura] Then we’re gonna party hearty!
Mike: Only if your idea of fun is getting caught in a tomb.
>(Pane 2. She sets the plane down on an strip.)
Big John: [sings] It’s a piece of ancient history/ If I strip for you, will you strip for me?
Mike: Not quite.
>Laura: Should be roux tine.
Tom: She’s making a roux?
Crow: Maybe she and Gambit traded recipes before the story.
>(Panel 3. Laura exits the plain with her backpack of stuff.)
Big John: If there’s one thing Lara isn’t, it’s plain!
Mike: *SIGH*...
>Laura: Now, let’s get a guide... Coping is nearby.
Crow: Lucky her, she gets help in coping with this.
>(Panel 4. Go back to the X-Men. They are sleeping on the shore.)
Mike: Aw geez, more sleeping!?
Big John: Can you blame them? This fan fic is enough to put anyone to sleep.
>(Page 6, panel 1. They wake up.)
Tom: And realize they’ve been out in the sun too long, and got a nasty sunburn!
>Ganbit: Chair, you awake?
Mike: Let’s find out...
(Mike stands up and pokes his chair.)
Mike: Hey chair, are you awake!? Yo chair! Wake up!!!
(Mike sits down.)
Big John: I think you’ve been on this satellite too long.
>(Panel 2. The X-Men stand up.)
Crow: [sings] Get up, stand up/ Stand up for your rights/ Get up, stand up/ Don’t give up the fight.
>Rouge: Raming I am awake let’s go back to the ROM and change.
Big John: You’re going back to a part of a computer to change?
Mike: I don’t want to know about this one...
>(Panel 3. The Jungle of Guatemala. Wolverne sitting on a branch. He is in his uniform.)
Crow: [sings “Flowers of Guatemala” by R.E.M.]: The flowers cover everything/ They cover over everything...
>Captain: The jungle is my home. Its where i live.
Tom: [as Wolverine] After all, that wussy X-mansion has all those creature comforts in it.
>Captain: And this is where I make my stand.
Big John: [sings] Stand in the place where you live/ Now face north...
>(Panel 4. Wolverine uses his claws to swing to another tree.)
Mike: I never knew he could do that.
Bots: Neither did we.
>(Page 7, panel 1. Wolvereene comes to Copen, the ancient Maya city.)
Tom: I always thought it was Copán.... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
Crow: And I thought Copán was in Honduras.... I’m glad they corrected me on that one too.
Big John: Tikal is the one in Guatemala.
>Captain: Something smellls back here.
Mike: Well, come to the front, it doesn’t smell so bad here.
>(Panel 2. Across the way, Laura Craft enters, ready to raid the tomb below.)
Tom: [as the Church Lady] So, Laura/Lara just happens to be at the same place the X-Men are.... how convieeenent.
>Laura: I’ve got everything all here.
Big John: You sure do, babe! Yea!
Mike: Stop it.
>(Panel 3. Laura enters the temple of the Elephant.)
Tom: [near tears] Elephants are native to Africa and Asia, not North America....
Big John: Makes you wonder if they do any research before doing one of these fan fics.
Crow: I’d have to go with no on that one.
>Laura: I mist be careful here...
Mike: Hey, hey, hey! If anyone’s doing the MiSTing, it’s us.
Crow: Fourth wall, Mike.
>(Panel 4. Laura comes to a brick wall.)
Tom: Funny, I didn’t know the Maya invented bricks... I thought they always used blocks...
>(Page 8, panel 1/ Wilverine stands outside the toon, sniffing the air.)
Crow: [as Wolverine] Smells like Teen Spirit here...
Tom: Then the toon looks at Wolverine, and its eyes pop out of its head!
>Wilverine: This don’t smell no right.
Mike: Tsk, tsk... two negatives make a positive, therefore it does smell right to him...
>(Panel 2. Wilverine enter the toom.)
Tom: *Sigh*....
>(Panle 3. Go back to Rague, Psiloque, Anal, and Grambit. They are in the hotel rest a runt. She is in a nice dress, he is in a shirt and slacks.)
Big John: [sings] Wel-wel-wel Welcome to hell hotel,.
Crow: Considering how much the world supposedly hates and fears them, it amazes me they can get a hotel at all.
Tom: Well, they’re supposed to be rich...
Mike: Let’s not even touch that last part.
>Rague: This should be fun.
Mike: I got news for you, Rogue/Rague....
>Grambit: You said it, moan amy. A lets bone temps rolls!
Crow: [as a temp worker] Hey, I get extra for rolling, mister!
Tom: [as a temp worker] And how about feeding us sometime!? We’re nothing but bones out here!
>(Panel 4. The waiter serves them drinks.)
Tom: $8.00 for a margarita!? Are you out of your minds!?
>Psiloque: Be careful not to overindulge here.
Crow: [as Psiloque/Psylocke] After all, it’s your turn to be the designated driver, Gambit/Grambit.
Tom: [as Grambit/Gambit] No way! I was the driver last time! It’s Rogue/Rouge’s turn.
Big John: [as Rague/Rogue] No way! Ah was the driver before that! It’s Anal/Archangel’s turn!
Mike: Stop it, all of you.
>(Pan el 5. They drink their drunks.)
Big John: I’m not too sure I want to know about that one.
>(Page 9, panel 1. Go back to Laura. She is walking in the toon, carrying a torch.)
Big John: And the toon realizes she has a torch, and tries to put it out by drinking water!
>Laura: I hop I will find something goof here.
Crow: You sure have... already.
>(Panel 2. She comes to a bunch of Mayan glyphs.)
Tom: And translated, it reads “Killroy was here.”
>Laura: I’m going to need my trans later.
Crow: No hablo Ingles.
>(Panel 3. Laura takes off
Big John: OH YEA!!!!!!! TAKE IT OFF!!!!!! TAKE IT ALL OFF, BABE!!!!! WHOOO-HOOO!!!!!!!
Mike: [grimaces] Cut it out, Big John. She’s not going to take her clothes off in some scummy, old tomb.
Big John: Well, she did in Nude Raider.
Crow: Oh, I loved that game.
Mike: Cut it out, both of you.
>Her back pac, and opens it.)
Big John: Bummer....
Mike: Well, Eidos did say they would never produce a nude Lara.
Crow: That’s o.k. Someone else did it for them in Nude Raider.
Mike: Cut it out!!
>Laura: Where did I put it... ?
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Man, they’re really going overboard with that, aren’t they?
>(Panel 4. Laura pulls out her trans later.)
Tom: As opposed to her trans sooner, which doesn’t take as long.
>Laura: Ah, here we goat...
Crow: Baaa... Baaa....
Tom: She put a goat in her backpack?
Big John: To sacrifice to the Gods if they aren’t appeased by her being in the tomb.
>(Panel 5. Laura used her trans later.)
Tom: And it’s going to take forever!
>Laura: According to this, great treasures wait inside to those who could seek them... the key to everything is here.
Tom: Finally! A semblance of a plot!
Crow: Well, as close to a plot as they get...
>(Page 10, panel 1. Laura puts away her translator.)
>Laura: Hopfully, there are notraps here.
Mike: We might as well stop reading this now. 100% of the time when they say that, there are traps.
Tom: “Hopfully?” Who does she think she is, Gerald McBoingboing?
>(Panel 2. Suddenly, Laura sets off a trap, and narrowly dodges getting hit with a buttomless pit.)
Crow: Yea, you got to watch those tropical fruit pits, they’re mighty bad after awhile...
>Laura: Noah, I nearly fell in that.
Tom: Be careful, Laura/Lara!
Crow: Have you ever noticed that people always warn you about danger after the fact? Why is that?
>(Panel 3. Laura goes down the hallway, carrying her lantern.)
Mike: Amazing... they actually managed to make a sentence make sense.
Tom: Too bad earlier they said she was carrying a torch and not a lantern.
>Laura: Got to be careful here...
Tom: [sarcastically] Oh, let’s be all reckless for once.
Crow: Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!
>(Panel 4. Laura has a cage rise up around her.)
Crow: [sings] I’m caught in a trap/ I can’t walk out/
Crow & Big John: [simultaneously] Because I love you too much baby.
Mike: In your case, Big John, it’s not love, it’s lust.
>Laura: What the --!?
Tom: [sings] It’s a rat trap Laura/Lara!/ And you’ve been caught!
Big John: Ah, the Boomtown Rats....
>(Page 11, panel 1. Go over to Anel , Psiloque, Rague, and Gambet. They are in their uniforms nwo.)
Big John: [sings] It’s a new world order/ A new world order.
>Rague: We got to find Slogan!@
Crow: Well, it’s no wonder you can’t find him. That’s an invalid e-mail address! There’s no source on it.
>(Panel 2. They stare at each other.)
Tom: [as Rogue/Rague] Remy/Raming, you got this piece of spinach stuck in your teeth....
>Gambet: We should split into pears.
Tom: So the four of them undergo mitosis and turn into 8 pears!
>Psiloque: Agreed. Warring and I should take the eastside; you and Rague take the west side, Gambet.
Crow: [sings] Oh/ You take the high road/ And I’ll take the low one/ And I’ll get to Scotland afore ye.
>(Panel 3. Anal and Psiloque fly off together, side by side.)
Mike: Since when could Psylocke/Psiloque fly?
Bots: Since now.
>Rague: Well, that just leaves you and I, Raming.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: It’s too easy. Frankly, this whole fan fic series by the Commission has been like shooting fish in a barrel.
>Gambet: Let’s do it, chair.
Tom: [as Rogue/Rague] That’s it, Remy/Raming! Ah’m leaving you fer good! You think of me as a piece of furniture!
Big John: [as Gambit/Gambet] That’s not true, chere. It’s just that the Commission can’t spell worth a tinker’s.
>(Panel 4. Rague and Gambet fly off, with him on her back.)
Big John: [as Rogue/Rague] Watch those hands, Remy/Raming!
Mike: Nonononononono.
Crow: [as Rogue/Rague] Yer always on mah back about something, Remy/Raming! Ah can’t take it anymore!
(The lights come up, and the door opens. Door sequence. We then see Mike and the bots standing on the bridge.)
Tom: Whew! Thank God for this break.
Crow: You said it! This one has been particularly hard on my logic circuits.
Mike: Well, we’ve got a hosting segment without a script, so what do we do now?
Big John: I think going to a commercial would be best.
(Commercial: We see Peaches and Herb standing next to each other, facing each other.)
Announcer: Junk Bond Records, who proudly brought you “The Trashiest Disco” and “The Best of Bubblegum Rock” Now bring you their latest in music (using that term loosely.)... Whiny love ballads of the ‘70s and ‘80’s!
Peaches and Herb: [sings] Reunited/ ‘Cause it feels so good...
Announcer: That’s right, we’ve gathered the lamest, whiniest love ballads from the 1970’s and 80’s and put them all together on this one classic album! Just listen to what you get!
(The screen shows a collage of 1970’s and ‘80s love photos.)
Singer: Alone again/ Naturally. (A listing of songs comes over the screen while the songs in bold play, one after the other.)
Listing: Midnight at the Oasis, by ?, What the World Needs Now by Dion Warwick, Alone Again, Naturally by Gilbert O’Sullivan, Sad Eyes By Dr. John, Here Today, Gone Tomorrow by the Ramones, Magic Man by Heart, You Don’t Bring Me Flowers by Neil Diamond and Barbara Strisand, Islands in the Stream by Kenny Rogers and Dolly Parton, that Peter Cetera/Amy Grant sappy love ballad whose name escapes me, True by Spandeau Ballet, You Light Up My Life by Debbie Boone and the like.
(The screen then shows a collage of wedding photos.)
Announcer: Relive your timeless memories with our collection of love ballads that suck. You get two LPs, two cassettes or one CD for the amazingly low price of $19.95 plus 19.95 shipping and handling. So don’t delay, order now!
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots there.)
Crow: [monotone] Gee... it makes me want to rush out and get 500 copies.
Tom: Crow, don’t insult the sponsors... without them, we’d be in the unemployment line.
(Silence.)
Mike: So what do we do now?
(Silence.)
Tom: Let’s check out what’s going on with Pearl.
(Castle Forrester. We see Bobo and the Observer enter, carrying a very heavy sack of mail to Pearl.)
Pearl: It’s about time! Give me that!
(They set the bag on the table, and Pearl opens it.)
Pearl: Let’s see here...
(Pearl rummages through her mail, and pulls out a letter.)
Pearl: Ah-ha! It’s from the Mad scientists guild!
(Pearl opens the letter, and reads.)
Pearl: (gradually getting angry) Dear applicant: Thank you very much for your application to the mad scientists' guild. However, upon further review, we have determined that you are not mad enough to join the guild.
Bobo: Uh-oh. I recognize that “Krakatoa” look when I see it.
Observer: RUN FOR IT!!!
Pearl: AAAARRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Bobo and the Observer try to run.)
Pearl: Those B@$+@&--d$!!!! They’re gonna pay for what they did to me!!!!
(Pearl picks up the mailbag, and throws it, hitting Bobo.)
Pearl: GRRR!!!!!
Sound Effect: POW!!!
Bobo: OW!!!!
(We see Bobo and the Observer lying in a pool of mail.)
Pearl: CURSE THOSE IDIOTS!!!! I’LL SHOW THEM!!!! I’VE GOT A ROCKET I’ll AIM AT THEM NOW!!!!
(SOL bridge. We see Mike and the bots milling around.)
Mike: Oh - we’re back. Well, I hope you liked that trip down there.
Crow: It certainly has been boring here without scripts.
(The fan fiction light comes on.)
Mike: AH!! We’ve got fanfic sign!!!
(Door sequence. Theater. Mike and the bots sit in their chairs.)
Crow: Doom, doom du doom...
Mike: Wrong writer, Crow.
Tom: But the quality is even worse.
>(Page 12, panel 1. Wulvereen come face-to-face with Laura. He hold up bullet.)
All: HUH??
Mike: How did Laura/Lara get out of that trap?
Tom: I think they just couldn’t figure out a way to do it, so they conveniently left it out.
>Wulvereen: Is this yours, bub?
Mike: Well, no...
>Laura: You’m petty fast, able to catch a bullet in your claws.
Mike: Since when could he do that?
Bots: Since now.
Tom: Woah, deja-vu.
>(Panel 2. Wulvereen brandish claws at Laura.)
Crow: [as Wolverine/Wulvereen] I’m with Jehovah’s witnesses, and I’ve got a wonderful book for
you....
Big John: I’m with Quantum leap and I’ve got this wonderful spray for you...
Mike: Friend, I have this wonderful offer for insurance for you...
Tom: I’m here from the government and we’ve got a few questions about your taxes.
>Wulvereen: What am you doing in this toom?
Mike: [as Laura/Lara] Getting threatened by some bully with claws.
>Laura: Your claws do not sacred me.
Tom: I’m at a loss for an explanation of this one.
>I have protection.
Big John: Great! Let’s get it on, babe!!
Mike: That’s not what she meant! Down boy, down!
>(Panel e. Wulvereen pull back.)
Big John: Then forward, then back, then forward -
Mike: [interrupts] That’s getting old now, Big John.
>Laura: Join me if you wish.
Big John: He’d have to be gay not to want to join you.
>Wulvereen: I work alone.
Tom: Or just poorly written for.
>(Panel 4. Laura leave.)
>Laura: Then do not be in my way.
Big John: Well, if you want to pass, you’re going to have to give me something...
Mike: Here’s a dollar. Go call the Moral Majority.
>(Panel 5. Follow Laura deeper in.)
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Seems like you’ve said that for half this story.
>Laura: The key to everything should be here somewhere?
Mike: I have a feeling you’re going to be let down when you find that key.
>(Page 13, panel 1. Go to Gambut, Rouge, Sighlock and Angele. They two enter the toom Laura and Wulvereen am in.)
Crow: [as the Church Lady] Hmm... how convieeenent.
>Gambut:
Tom: [as Butt-head] Huh-huh, huh-huh-huh, you said “Gambut.”
>Relax share this am a fun day here it may be dangeruhs what am life without danger?
Mike: Safety first, people.
>Rouge: I do not know Ramee, you am sure about this?
>(Panel 2. Gambut smiles.)
Crow: While his plans for world domination come to fruition.
>Gambut: Rust me, share.
All bots: No! Not rust!
Big John: It’s not something you would like.
>(Pnael 3. Go back to Laura. She am attaked by two tigers.)
Crow: Funny, I always thought that tigers were native to India and Asia... I’m so glad they corrected me on that one.
Tom: Should have used Jaguars.
>Laura: Bad doggie!
Crow: [sings] Keep rolling, rolling, rollin’ / Though the streams are swollen/ Keep them doggies rollin’/ Rawhide/ Through wind and rain and weather/ Going hell for leather/
Tom: Well, that last line was half right, Crow.
>(Panel 4. Laura shoot lions.)
Big John: So they suddenly changed to lions.
All: Shapeshifters!!
>Sound fect: THWOCK!~!
Mike: A gun that goes thwock???
Tom: I’m not too sure I want to find out about that one.
>(Panel 5. Laura put up her guns.)
Big John: [Old West accent] That’s right, gunfighter. It’s time to put up yer shootin’ irons, settle down, and have you a family.
Mike: Oh, and I suppose you volunteer to be her husband.
Big John: Can you blame me?
>Laura: I had bust be kareful...
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Crow: Man, they don’t stop with that, do they?
>(Page 145, panel 1.
Crow: So what happened to pages 14-144?
Tom: There doesn’t seem to be any text missing.
Big John: Story padding, guys.
>Laura come to old rope bridge.(
Mike: Better do something to ensure your safety, Laura/Lara....
>Laura: This looks easy.
Big John: And I’m hoping you will be too!
Mike: All right, that does it! Leave!
Big John: Oh, Come on, Mike. You like sex, admit it.
Mike: Not when you go overboard on the matter.
(Mike picks up Big John, and throws him out.)
Mike: Now, let’s get back to the story.
(The screen fills with an image of Pearl.)
Pearl: What are you doing, Nelson!? Bring Big John back in there!!
Tom: She can’t be serious, can she?
(An observer gives Pearl a switch.)
Pearl: Bring him back now or I shut off all the oxygen in the station!!
(Mike very reluctantly goes over, and lets Big John back in.)
Pearl: And don’t throw him out again!!
>(Panel 2. Laura walk on brige.)
Crow: [as Captain Picard] Who are you and what are you doing on my bridge?
Tom: [as Commander Riker] You’re out of uniform, recruit!
>Laura: Look easy.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Man, I’ve had it with your “Don’t try this one.” I’m gonna anyway. Look easy, be easy.
>(Panel 3. Laura come to a ceremoaning area.)
Tom: We’ve got your lost purse there.
Big John: It’s where the Children of God worship.
Mike: Not quite.
>Laura: Oh my... that’m really big...
Big John: Why, thank you. You’re not too bad yourself.
Mike: That’s not what she’s talking about!
>(Panel 4. She approach the alter, which is made of gold and Jewel.)
Crow:They made an altar out of gold and a drugged-up poet/singer/guitarist?
Mike: What makes you think she’s on drugs?
Crow: Just look at her, she’s going around with a glazed expression all the time, bloodshot eyes.... half the time she looks like she doesn’t even know where she is.
>Laura: This am the place.
Big John: [sings] Home/ Is where I want to be/ But I guess I’m already there/ I come home/ To look about the place/ I guess that this must be the place.
>(Panel 5. Laura step onto trap.)
Crow: Wow... usually they only put one in here....
>(Panel 56. Laura dive to avoid valley of poisoned Darts.)
Tom: So now we’ve got Image characters flying around?
Crow: I’m not too sure I want to know why.
Mike: Please, Marvel is confusing enough...
>(Page 11, panel 1.
Mike: Didn’t we have a page 11 a few pages ago?
Crow:Yep.
Tom: Good Lord, they’ve found a way to stretch these things out further!!
>Goes baak to Rogeu, Grambet, Sighlock, and Angle. They comes to the bridge.)
Crow: [sickly sweet] Yes, build bridges, we should reach out to our fellow beings and welcome them with open arms.
Big John: Well, I’d welcome most women into my arms!
Mike: Pass me the insulin, I’m going into sugar overload.
>Rogeu: That looks dangerus.
Tom: It’s no more dangerous than reading fan fics by the Commission...
>(Panel 2. They flies over the bridge.)
Crow: [sings] And it’s time for me to fly...
>(Panel 3. Go back to Laura. She take the scared cup off the alter.(
Crow: Must have gotten a good look at Wolverine naked.
Mike: Crow!
>Laura: I has got it good!
Crow: And now these darned dandruff flakes won’t go away!
Big John: Rats! Well, next time, babe...
>(Panel 4. She puts cup in pack and turn back to alter.)
Crow: Hey! That’s my cup! Stop thief!!
>Laura: Now, where is the scared object I came after?
Crow: It got so scared it ran away!
>(Panel 5. Laura suddenly lashes out with her bullwhip.)
Tom: Indiana Jones, eat your heart out!
Big John: S & M?
Mike: Not quite.
>Laura: You cannot surprise me.
Big John: Well, with a bod like that, I imagine you’ve seen a lot, right?
Mike: Not quite.
>(Panel 6. The X-Men faces Laura Craft.)
>Wouldverine:
Tom: Would not verine.
>So you comes to take things, kid?
Big John: She’s definitely a woman.
Crow: That’s Just Wolverine/Wouldverine. To him, anyone under 45 is a kid.
>(Page 12, panel 1. Gambut faces Laura.)
Crow: [sings] Face the face/ We got to/ Face the face.
>Gambut: Jay me apple Gambit, chair. What is your name?
Crow: [sings] They say eve tempted Adam with an apple/ But man, I aint goin’ for that/ -
Mike: Good. Just say no, kids.
>Laura: I is Laura Craft. You is far away from hum, Caging.
(All hum.)
Big John: [sings] There’s a rage in the cage!
>Gambut: Well, moan amy,
Tom: [as Lara/Laura] No, no, my name is Lara/Laura, not Amy!
>I may be far from home, but the heart is always with me.
Crow: [sings] Groove is in the heart/ Groove is in the heart/
>(Panel 2. They gough out of the tomb together.)
>Gambut: I knows an ice place where we can get some good Mexican foot.
Crow: Just watch out for the toenails.
Tom: And it’s air conditioned, unlike other places around here.
>Laura: So you thinks I’ll gout with a guy I just met? Thinks again, Caging.
Big John: Here’s the pitch... he swings... oh! Strike three! you’re out!
Crow: Must be that gout he’s got. I bet it’s painful for him to walk with it.
>(Panel 3. Gambut is unfaced.)
Crow: [as Gambit/Gambut] Oh my God I’ve lost my face! Someone help me look for it!
>Gambut: Well, just let ol’ Gambut helps you out, moan share.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Seems like you’ve said that every other line here.
>Laura: The day I lets you help me out is the day heel freezes over.
Big John: Cold feet, hmm? Well, everyone’s got their weaknesses.
Mike: Not quite.
>(Page 13, panel 1. Laura pushes the alter, but cannot move it.)
Crow: [Hindu accent] For change must come from within.
>Laura: UHN!
Big John: So that’s why Gambit’s calling her his moan share.
Mike: Cut it out, Big John!
>Angul: Let’s help her push.
Mike: Just say no, people! Drugs are bad enough without you going out and selling them!
>(Panel 2. All the X-Men help Laura push, and the Alter gives.)
Crow: For they have sought the change from within.
>Rogeu: Psuh!
Tom: [ghetto accent] You, wha’sup my home girl?
>(Panel 3. They see a stairchase leading down.)
Big John: I’m not too sure I want to know about this one.
Crow: [sings] Drifting up the stairs I see the steps behind me disappearing/ Can you help me?
Mike: I think this is way beyond help.
>Laurs: Be careful. There could be traps here.
Mike: Here we go again.
>Panel 4. They go down the stairwell.)
>Ganbet: Just what are you looking for, cher?
Mike: Don’t say it.
Big John: It. Sorry, I couldn’t resist.
Crow: We haven’t used that one in awhile.
Tom: Well, it’s hard coming up with new riffs for the same old mistakes.
>(Page 14, panel 1. They come to a room filled with ornate Jewel.)
Big John: I don’t know, Jewel looks kinda plain to me.... but I’ll say she’s hot, though.
Mike: Not that kind of Jewel.
>Laura: I think we are getting close....
Crow: And someone here forgot to take a bath this morning!
>)Panel 2. They look into the room and find a key made of turkois.)
Crow: What’s turkois?
Mike: I’m not too sure I want to find out.
>Laura: There it is...
Crow: [sings] Whomp! There it is!/ Whomp! There it is!
>(Panel 3. Laura grabs the key, and takes it.)
Tom: It was under the doormat.
>Laura: Now I’ve got what I want. Let’s go.
Big John: [sings] The mirror on the wall/ Won’t talk to me at all/ Now that I have everything/
Crow: Who was that?
Big John: They Might Be Giants.
>(Panel 4. The place starts to shake, and dust starts falling.)
>Rouge: The place is fallin’ apart!
Mike: [val accent] Like, Duh! Like, didn’t you like totally see that this would be booby trapped?
>(Page 15, panel 1. Rouge picks up Ganbit, and then Angal pick up Laura. They fly out.)
Mike: So they’re just going to leave Psylocke there.
Big John: Let’s see here... Psylocke or Lara Croft....
(Pause.)
Crow: Well?
Big John: I’m thinking, I’m thinking.
(Pause.)
Big John: Darn, I can’t decide. They’re both ultra-hot babes. How about I take both of them?
Mike: Psylocke is married in this continuity, Big John.
>(Panel 2. They fly out as the tom walls come down around them.)
Tom: Who’s Tom Walls?
Mike: Maybe the guy responsible for editing this.
Crow: I didn’t think this had an editor in it.
>Laura: Careful! We mist get out of here!
Big John: Who does she think she is, Vapor?
All but Big John: Who????
Big John: Vapor, you know, she was in the U-foes, with X-Ray. They were in the Incredible Hulk for awhile...
(Silence.)
Big John:Never mind.
>(Panel 3. They exit the toom just as it collapses.)
Tom: Geez, it’s always in the nick of time. Why can’t someone make things out with a minute or two to spare for once?
Crow: The Commission does love their clichés.
>Laura: Maiden it!
Big John: Ew. I can’t stand Iron Maiden.
Crow:Oh, come on, they’re not that bad. “Flight of the Icarus” Was a cool song, I think.
>Gambat: You o.k., Cher?
Crow: (sings) Do you believe in love after love?
>(Panel 4. Gambat approaches Laura.)
Crow: [as Lara/Laura] Phew! When was the last time you used deodorant, Cajun!?
>Laura: I am fine, thank you.
Big John: You can say that again. Whoo-hoo!!
Mike: Big John... cut it out!
>(Page 16, panel 1. Gambat sneers at Laura.)
Big John: [sinisterly] Funfighter McDoom is my name, spreading gloom is my game!
All but Big John: WHO??????
Big John: I guess it was before your time. Funfighter McDoom was a villain that harassed the DQ kids and tried to get them to feel down. They fight him by going to Dairy Queen.
Tom: I’m sorry I asked.
>Say, Cher, you doin’ anything to nite?
Mike: Who’s that talking?
Tom: It’s the sentence that suddenly appeared out of nowhere!
>Laura: Why should I go out with you’d?
Big John: Well, I’ve got 11 inches of reason here...
Mike: Cut it out, Big John!
Big John: No way! I’ve become quite attached to it.
>(P)anel 2. Gambat presses his case.)
Tom: Oh! He put too much starch in it. That’s gonna chafe him for a good while.
>Gambat: Come on, Cher. You know you’ve got it good. You knead a good man in your life.
Mike: So you offer some Cajun who lead the Marauders to the Morelock massacre.
Crow: And now you’re calling her a 30something actress/singer!
Tom: And knead? Is he made of bread or something?
Big John: Doughboy!
All but Big John: Who?
Big John: Never mind....
>(Panel 3. Gambat takes Laura’s hand.)
Tom: Strange that Gambit/Gambat is hitting on another woman in the presence of Rogue/Rouge, yet she doesn’t seem to care about this...
Crow: They certainly seemed more than friends at the beginning of the story.
Mike: Must have gone to the Hilary Clinton school of love.
Big John: With a woman like Lara/Laura, I can’t say that I blame him.
>Gambat: Just do it once, non? I guarontee you like it.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Tom: Mike, you’re beginning to sound like a broken record.
>Laura: Get away from me, creel.
Crow: Let’s see here.... Creel: A wicker basket for holding fish.
Tom: The fish must be really smelly then.
>(Pane l 4. Laura pulls her hand away from Gambat.)
Crow: [as Laura/Lara] Man, your hands are like sandpaper! Get them away from me!
>Laura: I am already in love with another man.
Big John: [as Gambit/Gambat] Well, I am in love with another too, chere. See? We have something in common.
Mike: Big John, let’s not encourage people to cheat on their lovers.
Crow: The Commission is doing that already.
Tom: Since when did Lara/Laura have a boyfriend?
>(Page 17, panel 1. Gembit continue to talk to Laura.)
>Gembit: Well, why don’ you join me on the beach, share?
Tom: [as Lara/Laura] Share, share, share. You aren’t so eager to share when it comes to your stuff.
Crow: Twix: Two for me, none for you.
>Laura: Alright, Mistur Le Baw. I wil joi you.
Big John: [sings] Joi de vivre mon ami/ Ain’t this the life.
Tom: Who was that?
Big John: Oingo Boingo. You’d probably recognize the lead singer. He went on to do the score for the original Batman movie, and the theme to the Simpsons and Dilbert.
>(Panel 2. Gembit smile.)
Big John: [as Gambit/Gembit] You non regret this, chere. Je do you tres bien.
Mike: Nonononononono.
>Gembit: You lick this, share. I guarante it.
Mike: Don’t try this one.
Big John: Not going to touch it with a ten foot pole.
>(Panel 3. Cancoon, El Salvador.
Crow: Get the feeling that the Commission flunked every subject they took?
Tom: Especially English.
Mike: Another fine example of the American education system.
Big John: [sings] I’m a product of my environment.
All but Big John: Who was that?
Big John: The Circle Jerks. They were best known for doing a punk version of “Close to You” - The Carpenters’ song.
>The Ex-
Big John: Cre -
>Ment ar on the beech, sockin up the rays.)
Crow: [as Gambit/Gembit] Darn it, this Beech is givin’ me splinters like you wouldn’t believe!
Tom: And Mr. Stevens says “O.k.! O.k.! I won’t do “Everything is Beautiful!” Stop hitting me!”
Big John: Just try imagining Wolverine in a pair of swimtrunks.
(Pause.)
All: Eeeewwww!!!
>Rouge: Mmmm.... yes... .
Big John: [cutting in before Mike can speak] Sounds like the dialogue to a bad porno film.
Mike: Big John! Keep it PG rated!
Big John: NC-17 is much more fun.
>Gembit: I a enjoying this two, share.
Big John: Menage-a-trois?
Mike: Not quite.
>(Panel 4. Ente Laura Craft, also wearin a bikini.
Crow: So all the X-Men/Ex-Ment were wearing bikinis?
Tom: Remember what I said earlier about Gambit liking Rouge.
Mike: Cease this line of reasoning immediately.
>She sit on towel while holdin sunscreen.)
Crow: [as Laura/Lara] Oh, if only some big strong man would come help me put on this sunscreen...
Big John: Hey, I’ll do it, babe! Yea!!
Mike: *SIGH*...
>Laura: Oh, if only some handsum man woul hel me ru this sunscream in my back...
(All stare daggers at Crow.)
Crow: I think my line was better.
Tom: Yea, that’s only because it didn’t have every other word misspelled in it.
>Gembit: Allo me, mount share.
Tom: He’s sharing mountains?
Big John: Well, Lara/Laura’s got two mountains I’d wish she’d share with me!
Mike: That’s getting really old now, Big John...
Crow: Ah yes, Mount Share... isn’t that in Washington state or something?
>(Page 18, panel 1. Gembit pour sunscreen on Lora.)
Tom: Didn’t she give him the brush-off just a page or two ago?
Crow: Must be Gambit’s winning smile that won her over.
Big John: Well, I’ve got a few more things than that to win her over...
>Lora: Ooh... this feel soooo good.
Big John: Ah, more bad porno dialogue.
Mike: I’m not surprised you consider yourself to be an expert in that field.
>(Panel 2. Gembit rub Lora.)
Crow: The wrong way, just like this fan fic rubs everyone the wrong way.
Big John: Ah, I know I’d rub her the right way.
Mike: Sh’yea right!
Big John: Come on, I’ve been programmed with numerous massage techniques.
>Gembit: You fee so goof, mount share.
Mike: Feeling goof? I don’t think I want to know about that one.
Crow: Must have her hands on the script.
>Lora: B careful with those hands, Gembit.
Crow: R U as sick of this as I am?
Tom: I am sick 2 my oil pan, 4 sure.
>(Panll 3. Gembit sto rubbin Lora.)
>Gembit: All don, mount share.
Tom: [gangster accent] Yo, what is this? I come in for some good fan fiction, and I get this... I’m gonna give you a chance to make... amends.
>Lora: Now I can enjoy the beech in confine.
Crow: She’s behind a beech fence?
Big John: [as Mighty Mouse] Here I come to save the day!
Mike: [as Lara/Lora] Well, with you rescuing me, I think I’d rather be in the clutches of the villain.
Tom: We’ve already concluded that this fan fic is beyond help.
>(Panel 4e. Later that veeving.
Crow: What’s a veeving?
Mike: I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know.
>Gembet, Rouge, Psilok, Angle, Wilverine and Lora are at the hotel, meating reporters.)
Tom: [as random person] Yum! Reporters on the half shell!
Mike: That’s disgusting, Tom.
>Psilok: Yea, we got th’key from that tumb, mates, Lora ‘ere ‘as it.
Tom: I give up. These people are hopeless. They don’t care that their fan fiction is some of the worst in the Marvel Universe, they don’t care that they won a Forbush award for most mistakes in fan fiction, and they even went so far as to alter the award graphic and post it on their site!!
(MiSTer’s note: Tom’s not kidding here. Check out what he means.
>(Page 20, panel 1.
Crow: What happened to page 19?
Tom: Doesn’t look like there’s any text missing.
Mike: Are you sure you want to find out?
>Lora holds up the key make of tourkwoise.)
Tom: [as Laura/Lara] I found it and it’s mine!
>Lora: Behealed! The key to everythign!
Tom: [as a street preacher] HEAL!!! Heal!!!
Crow: If this fan fic was a horse we’d have to shoot it.
>(Panel 2. Everyone looks at the key.)
Mike: That’s it? Kinda disappointing for a key...
>Lora: With my friends, we are giving the country of Belease a national tresur.
Mike: So now they’ve moved everything from Guatemala to El Salvador to Belize....
Tom: Stupid wouldn’t begin to describe these people.
>It was in the tum of Coping....
Tom: See that thing in the garbage can? It’s called continuity... you should take it out sometime and look at it...
Crow: Oh, it’s the Marvel Universe. There is no continuity in it.
>(Panel 3. Lora lefted the room.)
Tom: No, no, no!! We said the exit is to the right!!
>Lora: I have to leaf now butt I’ll be Bach.
Big John: Oh, Joy! Can I be Mozart?
Mike: Only if you promise to behave.
Crow: She has to leaf? Does she think she’s a tree or something?
>Panel (4. The Ex-Ment lefted the room.)
Crow: But Lora/Lara already lefted the room!
Tom: And the Feng Shui expert said that this room was a rightist room too...
Mike: Hopefully, this is the last page coming up....
>Rouge: Y’all play nice, y’ear?
Tom: [as a little kid] He was the one who was playing rough!
Crow: [as a little kid] I was not!
Mike: Cut it out.
>(Page 21, appen 0. Eppy log. Laurs beened in her manshun, reading the news paper.)
Tom: When you run out of ideas, just repeat yourself.
Crow: Looks like Marvel’s taking that to heart.
Big John: Ah, the eppy log... just the perfect thing to shave your wooden furniture after finishing it.
>Captiain: Two weeks alter....
Crow: [Announcer voice] Yes, you two can look younger with our amazing alteration process! It’s yours for the incredibly low price of 1995 payments of $19.95 each! Don’t delay, operators are standing by now!!
>Laurs: Sigh...
Crow: Lock...
>(Panel 2. Entered her butler.)
>Butler: Ms. Cliff, There beened a man to see you. He saided his name was Rummy.
Tom: He wants to know if you want to play a game of cards with him.
>Laurs: Showed ‘im in, Mr. Smith.
Tom: Wasn’t her butler named Jeeves earlier?
Crow: Must have given Jeeves the sack.
>(Panel 3. Gambt entered the room.)
Crow: Funny how all this is taking place in the past.
: >Gambt: You surprised to seened me, moan Aimee?
Big John: And Ms. Mann says “Hey, who put sand in the Vasoline?”
Mike: Nonononononononononono. Cut it out, Big John.
>Laurs: Oy tolded you we beeened through, mate.
Tom: Oh no! Everyone British is suddenly developing Cockney accents!
Crow: Is there anything we can do here?
>(Panel 4. Gambt smileed.)
>Gambt: Oh, comed on, moan animae you knowed I beened the hum fort you doned not denyed it moan animae you knowed it it to be through.
Big John: Moan Animae? Is he watching Hentai or Weather Report Girl?
Mike: I give up... you’re as hopeless as this fan fic is....
>(Page 22, panel 1. Laurs standed.)
Big John: [sings] Come on down/ And meet your maker/ Come on down/ We’ll make the stand...
>Laurs: Some’ow, Oy ‘aded a feeling you’d show up again in me life.
All: Stalking!
>(Panel 2. Laaurs aroachesed Gambt.)
Tom: And says: “I hate roaches!!” and then squashes him flat!
>Gambt: So what to you saided, Char?
Tom: [as Lara/Laurs] You burnt me, Cajun! You really think I’d just welcome you back!?
>(Panel 3. She tared in his seyes.)
Crow: Oh, can’t tare too long here... got a date.
>Gambt: You knowed you leov me.
>Laurs: Oy’m pretty sure OY don’t mate.
Big John: You don’t mate!? Man, is that a disappointment!!!
Crow: There go some of the fantasies of thousands of young men....
>(Panel 4. Gambt taked Laurs’ hand.
Crow: And runs off with it! Later, he sells it to a fence for $500,000!!
Tom: [as Lara/Laurs] I’ve grown quite attached to that hand, give it back!
>Gambt: Just oned kiss, Char...
Tom: Well, all right, but first get rid of that garlic breath!
>(Panel 5. Laurs give Gambt a kike to the jaw.)
Crow: [as Laurs/Lara] Fresh!!
Tom: Hey!! Don’t use racial slurs around here!! That’s not kosher!
>Sound fect: Bang!!
Big John: Well, if he can’t have you, can I?
Mike: No.
(The kights come up, and the doors open. Door sequence. Bridge. We see Mike and the bots standing there.)
Tom: Whew! Barely made it through another one.
Mike: They’re pretty bad, I know..... but we’ve managed to conquer them again.
(The screen comes to life, showing Bobo, Pearl, and the Observer there.)
Pearl: Well, feeling a little insane are we?
Mike: No, not really. Sure, it was pretty bad, but not bad enough.
(Pearl gets angry.)
Pearl: WHAT!?!?!? That was utterly horrible!! You should be out of your minds now!!!
Mike: Give it up. Pearl. There’s nothing so bad that you could send me that would tear up my mind.
Pearl: GR!! Curse you, Nelson!! I’ll be back - and when I come back, I’ll have something so terrible, so putrid, that you won’t be able to resist at all!!!
(The screen goes blank.)
Big John: Nice to see she’s her ever cheerful self.
Crow: Makes me wonder if she’s always been like that.
Big John: Well, as far as I know, yes....
Gypsy: We’ve got a teleportation coming in.
(Suddenly Torgo [from the movie Manos: The Hand of Fate] appears, holding about 4 scripts.)
Torgo: Torgo’s m-message delivery service... I m-have your scripts here.
Crow: Way to go! The show’s about to end, and you deliver the scripts to us!
(Mike takes the scripts away from him.)
Tom: Say, don’t you look familiar somehow?
Torgo: You m-might have seen m-me when I m-delivered pizza. That m-m-business folded a few years ago.
Mike: [sarcastically] Gee, I wonder why?
Crow: Well, let’s take a look at the scripts here.
(Pause.)
Torgo: M-don’t I m-get a tip?
Mike: Don’t expect a tip from guys you deliver something to too late.
(Torgo turns.)
Torgo: M-n-Well, I m-guess I’ll be going.
(Torgo teleports out.)
Gypsy: Guys, didn’t you forget something?
Mike: Such as...?
Gypsy: You could have sent a letter to the authorities telling them we’re here!!
Mike: (realizes) D’oh!!!
(They all look despondent.)
Crow: Well, think of it this way: By the time he got the note to the police, you’d be dead from old age, Mike.
(Castle Forrester. We see Bobo wearing a turn of the century flying helmet, and aiming a large missile. Pearl and the Observer stand nearby.)
Pearl: Aim it right! We can’t afford to have any mistakes here!
(Bobo aims the rocket, and fires.)
Sound Effect WHOOSH!!!
Pearl: Take that, you miscreants!!!!
(A beeping is heard.)
Observer: We have an incoming communication.
(They turn to the screen, which shows a man in a laboratory. He wears a white lab coat.)
Man: Ms. Pearl Forrester?
Pearl: Yes?
Man: I’m with the mad scientists guild. There’s been a mix-up at this end, and we accidentally sent you the wrong letter. I’m letting you know we are accepting you into the guild. You passed with flying colors.
(Bobo and the Observer stare nervously at each other as Pearl is taken aback.)
Pearl: Uh... I really hate to say this....
Man: Don’t tell me you put a bomb in our headquarters, just like all those other rejects?
Pearl: We... kinda sorta shot a missile at you.
(the man gnashes his teeth.)
Man: I’m going to have to give him 20 extra lashes for this one. Well, destroy it and we’ll be all right.
Pearl: Erm.... I kinda sorta can’t do that. It doesn’t have a self-destruct mechanism.
(The Man rolls his eyes.)
Man: Tsk, tsk, Forrester... such carelessness could get you booted out of the guild. Well, we’ll shoot it down. Oh, don’t forget your dues this month.
(The screen goes blank.)
Bobo: Whew. That was close.
Pearl: Next time, be more careful!!!
(SOL bridge. Mike and the bots are reading the scripts.)
Big John: Man, this is putrid!
Crow: Yea, show them the commercial parody in the middle there.
(Mike goes aside, and reads from the script.)
Mike: Hi, do you know me? Of course you don’t. I’ve been trapped on this God-forsaken satellite for so long now not even my own mother would recognize me. So that’s why I carry the Ameri¢an Ex¢e$$ card. Because whether it’s a tough day of working on the plains of Io or a hard day of enduring the latest in bad fan fiction, you’re going to need something to back you up.
(Mike and the bots stare at each other.)
Tom: Let’s put this one out of its misery now.
(Mike takes all the scripts, and throws them in the matter reclamation bin.)
Mike: You’re right guys, it’s a horse past its last legs.