(Front cover. We see Deathtrap standing on a platform over Deadpool. Deadpool is down below him, standing, wielding an uzi.)
Deadpool: Where is she!?
Deathtrap: You'll see her soon enough.
Cap (N): Deathtrap returns!!
(Inside front cover. We see the usual blurbs for Deadpool, Firelasher, and then this one:)
Deathtrap: Madman who captures people and kills them for his pleasure. Kinda like Arcade without the tacky clothing.
(Page 1, panel 1. Deadhut. Deadpool is sleeping in his bed. He is alone there, maskless and covered from neck to toe in the sheets.)
Cap (N1): San Francisco, home of the Deadhut.
Cap (N2): Right now, Deadpool is about to wake up to something sinister indeed ...
(Panel 2. Deadpool wakes up.)
Deadpool: Morning, Teri ...
(Panel 3. Deadpool opens his eyes to see he is alone.)
Deadpool: Teri?
(Panel 4. Deadpool suddenly sits up.)
Deadpool: TERI!?
(Panel 5. Deadpool jumps out of bed showing him in boxers only.)
Deadpool: TERI!?!?
(Page 2, panel 1. Deadpool then spies a note on his dresser.)
Deadpool: A clue!
(Panel 2. Deadpool reads the note. It reads thus:
Deadpool: I have taken the redhead and your old woman too. If you want to find them, follow the dog. Deathtrap.)
Deadpool: Holy Lassie! Teri's in trouble, and I have to rely on mutt from hell to find her!
(Panel 3. We see Deadpool in his uniform, finishing putting on the weapons he uses.)
Cap (N): Minutes later ...
Deadpool: I'm coming for you, Teri. Don't give up hope!
(Panel 4. Deadpool goes out to see Deuce the devil dog stinking drunk and staggering around.)
Deadpool: Deuce! Deuce, here boy!!
(Panel 5. Deuce throws up on Deadpool's shoes.)
Deuce: SHORCH!!
Deadpool: Oh, bad dog! Bad Deuce!!
(Page 3, panel 1. Deadpool wipes the dog vomit off his shoes.)
Deadpool: Deuce, you've got to lead me to Teri. Do you understand? Lead me to Teri!
SFX: Wipe!
Cap (N): Unfortunately, Deuce isn't in the mood to lead people elsewhere right now.
(Panel 2. Deuce throws up again, but this time Deadpool dives out of the way.)
SFX: HORCH!
Deadpool: When I find Deathtrap I'm gonna kill him!
(Panel 3. Deuce passes out.)
SFX: Flump!
Deadpool: Deuce! Deuce, don't pass out on me now!!
(Panel 4. Deadpool is hurt.)
Deadpool: #$@&!
(Page 4, panel 1. Deadpool adjusts his teleporter.)
Deadpool: I hope Teri was able to grab her teleporter.
(Panel 2. Deadpool teleports out. Panel 3. Deadpool teleports into his bedroom.)
Deadpool: Someone up there must really hate me.
(Panel 3. Go over to Firelasher. We see her in a sexy nightgown, maskless. She is tied up with glowing shackles. Deathtrap stands over her.)
Deathtrap: Wakey wakey, woman.
(Panel 4. Deathtrap throws cold water on Firelasher's face.)
SFX: SPLOOSH!!
(Panel 5. Firelasher wakes up.)
Firelasher: What the --!?
Deathtrap: Welcome, woman, to your death.
(Page 5, panel 1. Firelasher is not amused.)
Firelasher: Who the $#*& are you?
Deathtrap: The name's Deathtrap, sweetie, and you and your little Deadpool are going to die!
(Panel 2. Firelasher is angered.)
Firelasher: What do you have against us?
Deathtrap: Not you - just him. I'm sure there's someone who will pay a little for your head ... preferably alive.
(Panel 3. Firelasher flames up.)
Firelasher: Well, I'm a mutant, idiot.
(Panel 4. Firelasher's nightgown turns into her uniform.)
Cap (N): The heat activates the unstable molecules in her clothing.
(Panel 5. Firelasher has her powers fed back into her, and she stops and screams.)
Firelasher: AH!!
Deathtrap: I know, that's why those shackles feed your flame powers back into you. It must really hurt, getting set on fire from the inside.
(Panel 6. Firelasher grits her teeth at Deathtrap.)
Firelasher: I'm going to get out of here - and when I do, you will suffer for this!
(Page 6, panel 1. Deathtrap turns away from Firelasher.)
Deathtrap: My torturing you is not complete, woman ... I have one last thing to do ...
(Panel 2. A large television screen directly over Firelasher comes on.)
Deathtrap: Ever wonder what it's like to be in Deadpool's head?
Firelasher (1): I don't need to be a telepath to know what's going on there.
Firelasher (2): It's one of the most foulest cesspools of wanton depravity I've ever seen.
(Panel 3. The screen comes on, and shows monster truck racing.)
Deathtrap: Well, I've got a treat for you! 24 hours straight of the Monster Truck Racing Channel!
Firelasher (Wide-eyed): No! Not a bunch of 40something beerbellied hicks on testosterone overload!*
Cap (N1): * Of course, Firelasher's opinion is uninformed.
Cap (N2): Actually, while Monster Truck Racing is predominantly male, there are women in the sport (I think.)
Cap (N3): I don't want to come off as being politically incorrect here.
(Panel 4. Deathtrap leaves.)
Deathtrap: Enjoy the show!
Firelasher: You fiend!
(Panel 5. Go back to Deadpool. He pours coffee in Deuce's water dish. We see Deuce has a collar and leash on him.)
Cap (N): And so ...
Deadpool: You've got to wake up, Deuce! Drink this!
(Panel 6. Deadpool gives the dish to Deuce, who sleeps on his side.)
Deadpool: Deuce! Come on, boy! We need you!
(Page 7, panel 1. Deadpool throws water on Deuce.)
SFX: SPLOOSH!!
(Panel 2. Deuce wakens, still drunk and disorderly.)
Deuce: Horkt!
Deadpool: Deuce, Teri's in trouble! We got to find her!
(Panel 3. Deadpool puts the bowl of coffee in front of Deuce.)
Deadpool: Drink this Deuce.
(Panel 4. Deuce smells the coffee.)
SFX: Sniff! Sniff!
(Panel 5. Deuce's eyes spring wide open.)
SFX: PING!
(Page 8, panel 1. Deuce goes off in a hurry, pulling Deadpool with him.)
Deadpool: Hmm ... musta made the coffee too strong.
(Panel 2. Deuce flies out of the building, with Deadpool holding on for dear life.)
Deadpool: JANE!!! STOP THIS CRAZY THING!!!
(Panel 3. Deuce leads Deadpool down the street.)
Deadpool: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
(Panel 4. Go back to Firelasher. We see her still shackled to the table from earlier.)
Cap (F1): Bad acting and testosterone overload ... how much can one person take!?
Cap (F2): Even Wade acts better than this.
(Panel 5. Firelasher shuts her eyes.)
Cap (F): This will block out the visual ... but what about the sound?
(Page 9, panel 1. Go back to Deadpool. We see him stop Deuce from dragging him around.)
Cap (N): About 10 minutes later ...
Deadpool: Oh ... you've stopped.
Deuce: Rowlf!
(Panel 2. Deadpool finds himself in a park.)
Deadpool: Where are we?
(Panel 3. Deadpool looks around.)
Deadpool: The park?
(Panel 4. Deuce spots a female German Shepherd, and goes up to her.)
Deadpool (1): Deuce? Deuce, this is no time to sate your libido.
Cap (N): Like master, like pet.
Deadpool (2): If I can't get any, you shouldn't either.
(Panel 5. Deadpool pulls Deuce away.)
Deadpool: Deuce, down boy! Down!>
(Panel 6. The leash snaps, and Deuce goes one way, and Deadpool the other.)
SFX: SNAP!!
Deadpool: Mother ...
(Page 10, panel 1. Deadpool lands at the foot of a statue of Diane Feinstein.)
SFX: WHUMP!!
Deadpool: Uhn ...
(Panel 2. Deadpool stands.)
Deadpool (1): Feinstein ...
Deadpool (2): The woman who ruined San Francisco for most of us.
(Panel 3. Deadpool takes one step, and falls into a trap.)
Deadpool: Not agaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiinnnnnn ....
(Panel 4. Deadpool lands at the feet of Deathtrap.)
SFX: WHUMP!!
Deadpool (1): Uhn ...
Deadpool (2): There's got to be a better way to doing this.
(Panel 5. Deathtrap hits Deadpool in the head with a metal club.)
Deathtrap: Goodnight, sucker.
SFX: POW!!
(Page 11, panel 1. We see Deadpool in a straight jacket. He is disarmed and the jacket is tied to a wall. There is a large television opposite him.)
Deadpool: Uhn ... Teri had better be in the mood after this ...
(Panel 2. Enter Deathtrap.)
Deathtrap: Well, enjoying the view?
Deadpool: The thing I'll enjoy most is tearing that smug grin off your face and shoving it up your #$*%.
(Panel 3. Deathtrap turns on the television.)
Deathtrap: Well, I have something just for you ...
(Panel 4. The television shows the Lifetime channel.)
Deathtrap: I'm sentencing you to watch Lifetime until I kill you!
Deadpool (aghast): You inhuman fiend! Lifetime is the channel for women who like women!
(Panel 5. Deathtrap exits.)
Deathtrap: Enjoy, Deadpool!
Deadpool: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! You heartless maniac!!
(Page 12, panel 1. Go over to Thunderweasel and Kirsten. We see them outside the offices of Landeau, Luckman, and Lake, in an Asian garden.)
Cap (N1): Madripoor.
Cap (N2): Returning from his defeating Bloodaxe is Thunderweasel.
Cap (N3): He's returning to the woman he loves.
Kirsten: Oh, Jack ...
(Panel 2. Thunderweasel and Kirsten kiss. Panel 3. They part lips.)
Thunderweasel: I've missed you too, Kirsten.
Kirsten: Mmm ... now, how about you and I take a walk here, hm?
(Panel 3. Thunderweasel and Kirsten walk along a garden path.)
Thunderweasel's thoughts: Guh.
(Panel 4. Cut back to Deadpool. We see him looking wide-eyed at the television.)
Cap (N): Six hours later ...
(Panel 5. Enter Deathtrap.)
Deathtrap: Well, how are we feeling now?
(Page 13, panel 1. Deadpool falls on the ground, held up by the tether to the wall.)
Deathtrap: Thought you could get the best of me, hm? Well, you should know better than to mess with Deathtrap!
(Panel 2. Deadpool mumbles something.)
Deadpool: ---- --- ---
Deathtrap: What was that?
(Panel 3. Deathtrap gets close to Deadpool.)
Deathtrap: Speak up!
(Panel 4. Deadpool makes a two-foot kick, striking Deathtrap in the face.)
SFX: POW!!
(Panel 5. Deadpool removes the straight jacket.)
Deadpool (1): And you should know that you shouldn't mess with Deadpool!
Deadpool (2): I didn't get my rep for nothing, you know.
(Page 14, panel 1. Deadpool pulls Deathtrap to his feet.)
Deadpool: WHERE IS SHE!?!?!?
(Panel 2. Deathtrap strikes Deadpool, knocking him back.)
SFX: WHOK!!
(Panel 3. Deadpool recovers.)
Deadpool: Anyone who stands between me and my gal is a fool.
(Panel 4. Deadpool makes a diving tackle, knocking Deathtrap down.)
SFX: WHAM!!
Deathtrap: UHN!
(Panel 5. Deadpool slams Deathtrap against a wall.)
SFX: SLAM!!!
Deadpool: WHERE IS SHE!?!?!?
(Page 15, panel 1. Deathtrap breaks into pieces, showing he is a robot.)
SFX: SPROING!!
(Panel 2. Deadpool drops Deathtrap.)
Deadpool: Don't try to stop me.
(Panel 3. Deadpool exits the room to find a hallway.)
Deadpool: I'm coming for you, Teri.
(Panel 4. Go back to Firelasher. We see her still shackled to the slab from earlier. Monster truck racing is showing on the screen.)
Firelasher: Uhn ...
(Panel 5. The door bursts open, and Deadpool stands there. Deadpool now has his katanas and a gun.)
SFX: WHAM!!
(Page 16, panel 1. Deadpool approaches Firelasher.)
Deadpool: TERI!!
Firelasher: Wade?
(Panel 2. Deadpool slices Firelasher's bonds, setting her free. He does not cut Firelasher herself.)
SFX: SLICE!!
(Panel 3. Firelasher stands.)
Firelasher: Is that really you, Wade?
Deadpool: Yea. Let's get out of here.
(Panel 4. They turn around to see Deathtrap there.)
Deathtrap: Not so fast, Deadpool.
(Panel 5. Suddenly Deadpool and Firelasher are surrounded by a metal net.)
Deathtrap: You are going to suffer, Deadpool. Now you've forced me to make you see one of the worst things available to mankind ...
(Panel 6. The screen fills with Hanson, the band.)
Deathtrap: 24 hours of Hanson!
Deadpool: NO! Not the one thing so horrific that nobody can stomach it!
Firelasher (quietly, to Deadpool): Duck.
(Page 17, panel 1. Deadpool ducks as Firelasher burns through the net with a flame blast.)
SFX: WHOOMPH!!
(Panel 2. Deadpool and Firelasher advance on Deathtrap.)
Deathtrap: Uh-oh. (Panel 3. Deadpool straps Deathtrap to the slab.)
Deathtrap: Hey! Can't we talk this over!?
(Panel 4. Deadpool turns on the television.)
Deadpool: There is one thing that we will make you watch that's even worse than what you put us through ...
(Panel 5. The screen shows Hansen in concert.)
Firelasher: Hanson!
Deathtrap (panicking): NO! NOT the Them!!
(Panel 6. Deadpool and Firelasher teleport out.)
Deadpool: They owe me for putting my libido in utter confusion.
Deathtrap: Hey! You can't leave me like this!!
(Page 18, panel 1. Deadhut. Deadpool and Firelasher teleport in.)
Firelasher: Thank God that's over.
(Panel 2. Deadpool raises his mask, and kisses Firelasher. Panel 3. They part lips.)
Deadpool & Firelasher (simultaneously): I really needed that.
(Panel 4. Deadpool puts his arms around Firelasher.)
Deadpool: Well, there's something else I need too.
Firelasher: Yea ... a shower. You've been sweating like a pig, Wade.
(Panel 5. Deadpool smiles.)
Deadpool: Only if you'll join me there.
Firelasher (Rolls her eyes, sarcasticly): My hero, the merc with a libido the size of the universe.
(Page 19, panel 1. They continue to talk.)
Deadpool (1): Oh, come on, Teri. It's not that big.
Deadpool (2): It's only the size of a galaxy.
(Panel 2. Firelasher returns Deadpool's arms.)
Firelasher: All right, Wade. You talked me into it.
Deadpool: I really appreciate this, Teri.
(Panel 3. Later. We see Deadpool and Firelasher stepping out of the bathroom, wearing bathrobes only.)
Firelasher: Mmm ... It's hard to find a man who can pleasure you anywhere.
Deadpool: Well, the best is yet to come ... in more ways than one.
(Panel 4. Deadpool and Firelasher embrace.)
Firelasher: It's great to have your love, Wade ...
Deadpool: Teri, you're the best.
(Page 20, panel 1. Half panel page. Deadpool and Firelasher kiss.) Deadpool & Firelasher (Simultaneously): Guh.
(Panel 2. Go back to Kirsten and Thunderweasel. We see them holding each other close in the L3 gardens.)
Thunderweasel: Doesn't this make you feel romantic, Kirsten?
Kirsten: What makes me feel romantic is you, Jack.
(Panel 3. They kiss. Page 21, panel 1. They part lips.)
Thunderweasel: I love you, Kirsten.
Kirsten: Jack, there's something I have to ask you ...
(Panel 2. They go to an electronic screen.)
Kirsten: My hometown is being bullied by a mutant, and I've been sent to find someone who can help me defeat her. Thunderweasel (1): Just point me in the right direction. Thunderweasel (2): Of course, I'll have to carry you there. Thunderweasel (3): But then again, that means more time with your arms around me. (Panel 4. Kirsten faces the screen.) Kirsten: Computer, display file 38-23344K-L123.
(Page 22, panel 1. The screen shows a large, horrific humanoid monster.) Kirsten: He is known as Ben Nevis. He steals food, kidnaps women then abuses them, nobody has been able to stop him. (Panel 2. Thunderweasel takes Kirsten up in his arms.) Thunderweasel: Climb on my back, darling. I'll have that nasty monster vanquished in time for tea. (Panel 3. Kirsten is on Thunderweasel's back as Thunderweasel flies.) Cap (K): Sucker. (Panel 4. Thunderweasel spins Kirsten around. Holding her in his arm, he kisses her.) Thunderweasel: For good luck.
Kirsten: You should see what you're up against.
Thunderweasel: There's a first time for everything, Kirsten.
Cap (N): Next (maybe) Thunderweasel vs. Deadpool vs. Ben Nevis!