(Front cover. We see Deadpool wearing his uniform, clutching his head. Behind him is a collage of tax forms.)
Deadpool: NO!!!! NO!!!!
Cap (N): A date with Taxes!!
(Page 1, panel 1. The new summer Deadhut. The place: Caddo lake, in East Texas. We see Deadpool, and Firelasher, sitting at a table, having dinner. He wears a hologram of himself before he went to Weapon X, in a nice shirt and slacks. She wears a hologram of herself minus all the scars, in a nice dress.)
Cap (N1): The Pines of East Texas.
Cap (N2): Right now, Deadpool is trying to have a romantic dinner for two with the woman he loves, Firelasher.
Firelasher: I never knew you were a good cook, Wade.
(Panel 2. Deadpool smiles.)
Deadpool: Thanks, Terri. But I’ll have to admit Monty helped out a bit.
Voice (From off panel): A-hem. Just a bit?
(Panel 3. They turn to see Monty there.)
Monty: Someone has a wee bit of trouble giving credit where credit is due. All you did was microwave the butter to melt it!
Firelasher: (to Deadpool)Well, Justin Wilson, what do you have to say now?
Deadpool: (meekly) Well... oops.
(Panel 4. Deadpool turns to Monty.)
Deadpool: O.k., o.k., you did all the cooking. But shouldn’t you be attending that coping with a disability seminar in Dallas?
Monty: Some seminar it turned out to be. The thing was canceled last week. Well, have a nice evening you two...
(Page 2, panel 1. Exit Monty.)
Cap (D1): Damn.
Cap (D2): There goes any chance of getting any tonight.
Firelasher: None of this surprises me.
Deadpool: Well, I never saw anything about it being cancelled.
(Panel 2. The offices of the I.R.S., Austin, Texas. We see a bunch of computer printout being printed out of a printer.)
Cap (N1): Austin, Texas, at the offices of the I.R.S.
Cap (N2): Right now, someone is printing out a list of delinquent taxpayers.
Cap (N3): Three guesses as to who hasn’t paid their taxes in years...
SFX: Skraw! Skraw!
(Panel 3. We see that the printer is printing out a list of delinquent taxpayers.)
SFX: Skraw! Skraw!
(Panel 4. We see one of the names on the list is “Wilson, Wade Theodore” with an address of Rural Route 9, box 2344, Hampsburg, Texas, 75723.)
SFX: Skraw! Skraw!
(Page 3, panel 1. Back at Lake Caddo. We see Deadpool and Firelasher sitting by a window, looking out over the lake. They wear what they had earlier.)
Cap (N): And back in East Texas....
Deadpool: Ah, this is the life... a great view... and the picture outside’s not bad either...
(Panel 2. Deadpool puts an arm around Firelasher, who returns his arm.)
Deadpool: And most importantly, a really hot babe with me.
Firelasher: Uh-hm. Well, we may have our little spats now and then, but it’s moments like this that make up for it.
(Panel 3. Deadpool pulls Firelasher close to him.)
Deadpool: And you know what would make this better?
Firelasher: Oh yes...
(Panel 4. The two of them kiss. Panel 5. They continue to kiss as Monty enters. He has some mail in his lap.)
Monty: Mail call.
Cap (D): Rasinfrats.
(Page 4, panel 1. Deadpool and Firelasher part as Monty hands them the mail.)
Monty: Sorry, Terri. No mail for you today.
Firelasher: It’s all right, Monty.
(Panel 2. Deadpool looks over the mail.)
Deadpool: Let’s see here... bill, bill, junk, a reminder from Marvel to renew my subscriptions, junk, a letter from the I.R.S., bill, junk, and more junk. Nope, nothing important here.
Firelasher: Why would the I.R.S. write you?
(Panel 3. Deadpool takes out that letter, and opens it.)
Deadpool: Beats me, Terri. I’m being dead for tax purposes.
(Panel 4. Deadpool reads the opened letter, and is shocked beyond belief.)
Deadpool: WHAT THE --!?
(Panel 5. Firelasher takes the letter as Deadpool goes very pale, and wide-eyed.)
Deadpool: Homina homina homina....
Firelasher: (reads) Our records indicate that you have not filed tax returns in the last 5 years. You are to report to the I.R.S. offices in Austin on Monday, June 11 at 11:30 a.m. CDT. Bring all relevant tax records with you.
(Page 5, panel 1. Firelasher faces Deadpool.)
Firelasher: Wade, you haven’t filed taxes in 5 years!? What kind of an idiot doesn’t file taxes!?
Deadpool: (Still out of it) Homina.... homina... homina...
(Panel 2. Firelasher shakes Deadpool.)
Firelasher: Wade, snap out of it!!
SFX: Shake! Shake! Shake!
(Panel 3. Deadpool snaps out of it.)
Deadpool: Well Teri, it’s not like what I did before I met you was exactly kosher...
Firelasher: Look Wade, The I.R.S. can seize everything you own unless you can prove that you didn’t owe them money! Now, do you have anything that can prove you tax innocence?
(Panel 4. Deadpool thinks.)
Deadpool: Well, no. Then again, most of the money I earned was not in the U.S.A.
Firelasher: Good, that’s a start. We can tell them we don’t have to pay U.S. taxes on money you earned in other countries.
(Page 6, panel 1. Cut to Thunderweasel and Kirsten Culloden. We see them posing on the beach. Kirsten sits on Thunderweasel’s shoulder as he flexes his muscles. Both of them are wearing skimpy swimwear as a photographer takes their picture.)
Cap (N1): Speaking of money earning,
Cap (N2): That’s just what Thunderweasel and his love, Kirsten Culloden, are doing right now.
Cap (N3): They’re posing for an anti-drug campaign.
Cap (N4): They quit LL&L because Zoë had become “Too bossy.”
Cap (N5): This is South Padre Island, Texas.
(Panel 2. The photographer takes more pictures as Kirsten and TW pose.)
Photographer: O.k., 5 minute break while I change film.
(Panel 3. The two of them relax.)
TW: Well, it’s a start.
Kirsten: Of course, Jack. But having you here makes it all worthwhile.
(Panel 4. We see a menacing figure in the shadows.)
Cap (person unknown): Enjoy this while you can, for soon things will be very different for you.
TW: Well, you’ve been a great joy in my life too, Kirsten.
Photographer: O.k., I’m set now.
(Page 7, panel 1. Go back to Deadpool and Firelasher. We see them in the offices of the I.R.S., waiting. Deadpool wears a hologram of himself before he went to Weapon X, wearing a suit and tie. Firelasher is in a hologram of herself minus all the scars, wearing a woman’s business outfit.)
Cap (N1): They prepared for this moment the best they cold.
Cap (N2): Spent sleepless nights running over taxes and everything.
Cap (N3): They hired a consultant to help them out.
Cap (N4): Now, they wait their final moments...
Deadpool: Don’t I get a blindfold and last cigarette?
Firelasher: Smoking is bad for your health, Wade.
(Panel 2. They enter the room to see a young buxom brunette woman sitting behind the desk.)
Cap (D1): WOAH! Ultra-hot babe alert!!
Cap (F): [coldly] Wade...
Cap (D2): Sorry, Teri. My mind slipped.
Woman: Have a seat.
(Panel 3. Deadpool and Firelasher sit.)
Woman: You are Wade Theodore Wilson, correct?
Deadpool: Yes.
(Panel 4. The woman faces Deadpool.)
Woman: So what is your occupation now?
Deadpool: Bounty hunter and general hero-for-hire.
(Panel 5. Firelasher is very suspicious at this point.)
Cap (F1): Wade, something is amiss here...
Cap (D1): I’ll say she is...
Cap (F2): That’s not what I mean. She gives me the creeps.
Cap (D2): You don’t really want to know what she’s giving me.
Cap (F3): [very coldly] Wade...
Woman: Let’s start with last year’s return. It says in your file that you have earned over $25 million dollars last year.
Deadpool: True, but I earned only $550,000 in the U.S.A. All the rest of it was earned in other countries.
(Panel 6. They continue to talk.)
Woman: That’s still $550,000 you didn’t pay taxes in.
Deadpool: Can I help it if my employers are reluctant to send me a W-2?
(Page 8, panel 1. The woman gets close to Deadpool.)
Woman: Then you should show something else, like a check stub. The I.R.S. prepares for almost every contingency.
Deadpool: I wish I knew that last year.
(Panel 2. Suddenly the woman transforms into a large, leech-like human.)
Taxes (woman): You may have defeated my sister Death, but you won’t escape the wrath of Taxes!!
Deadpool: Aw, man.... not again.
(Panel 3. Deadpool and Firelasher remove their holograms to show themselves in their uniforms.)
Deadpool: Time to take out the garbage.
(Panel 4. Deadpool finds his wallet missing.)
Deadpool: Hey, where did my wallet go?
Taxes: We have seized all your assets, Wilson. You are now poor!
(Panel 5. Deadpool unsheathes his katanas.)
Deadpool: (1) That did it.
Deadpool: (2) You honestly think that hot redhead here loves me just for my boyish charm?
Deadpool: (3) This is where I draw the line.
(Page 9, panel 1. Firelasher blasts Taxes with a bolt of flame.)
SFX: WHOMPH!!
(Panel 2. Taxes envelops Firelasher in a sea of paperwork.)
Taxes: I see you haven’t filed taxes in three years either.
(Panel 3. Firelasher flames up, and breaks out of the paperwork as Deadpool strikes Taxes.)
SFX: WHOOMPH!!
Firelasher: I haven’t earned any money in three years!
(Panel 4. Deadpool slashes Taxes in the face with his katanas.)
Deadpool: Most of the money I earned was in foreign countries.
SFX: SLASH!!!
(Panel 5. Taxes fires more paperwork at Deadpool, who slices it up with his katanas.)
Deadpool: You know, Ol’ Steve Forbes’ flat tax thing isn’t sounding to bad right now...
(Page 10, panel 1. Deadpool strikes Taxes with a diving kick on one side as Firelasher strikes Taxes with fire on the other side.)
SFX: Whoomph!! POW!!
(Panel 2. Taxes falls.)
Deadpool: Now be a good little bureaucrat and go back to the cubicle you crawled out from.
(Panel 3. Taxes fades out.)
Taxes: No... It cannot be this way... I am all-powerful... I am the breaker of banks, the maker of paupers... I fought Al Capone and won...
(Panel 4. Taxes vanishes.)
Deadpool: I’d say we won that round. Say, why don’t I treat you to a nice restaurant in New York I know of.
Firelasher: O.k.....
(Page 11, panel 1. We see Deadpool and Firelasher teleport into the streets of New York City. )
Cap (N1): About an hour and a half later, in New York City...
Deadpool: Ah, New York, New York... and there’s a wonderful restaurant I’ve been wanting to take you to....
(Panel 2. We see them standing in front of a posh, 5-star restaurant.)
Firelasher: My, this place must cost an arm and a leg...
Deadpool: Hey, you’re more than worth it, Terri.
(Panel 3. Deadpool assumes a hologram of himself pre-Weapon X, in a tuxedo.)
Deadpool: (1) Better slip into something nice, darling.
Deadpool: (2) The lower cut at the neckline and higher cut at the waistline, the better.
Firelasher: You’re insatiable, Wade...
(Panel 4. Firelasher assumes a hologram of herself minus all the scars, in a lavish green dress, moderately cut at the neckline and going below the knees at the hemline.)
Deadpool: An excellent choice, Teri.
(Page 12, panel 1. They go inside, and meet the maître d’.)
Maître d’: Bonjour.
Deadpool: Hello there. We have reservations, the name is Wilson.
(Panel 2. The maître d’ looks over the list.)
Maître d’: Sorry, I do not see anyone by that name...
(Panel 3. Deadpool slips the maître d’ some money.)
Deadpool: Check again.
Maître d’: Ah, oui. The lover’s overlook. This way, please.
(Panel 4. Deadpool and Firelasher sit at an intimate table for two. The window outside overlooks Central Park.)
Deadpool: Ah, this is the life... a night on the town, and a wonderful woman to share it with...
Firelasher: You say the sweetest things...
Cap (F): But only when you’re out to get me in bed...
(Page 13, panel 1. Go to outside. We see Elektra and Nina, both wearing their uniforms, fighting some purse-snatchers.)
Nina: Return what you have stolen!!
SFX:POW!!
(Panel 2. Nina sends one of them to the ground with a diving kick.)
SFX: KA-POW!!
(Panel 3. Elektra has the other crook pinned to a wall, holding a sai to his throat.)
Crook: O.k., o.k., you can take the purse back...
(Panel 4. Deadpool and Firelasher run into Elektra and Nina.)
Deadpool: Looks like matters have been taken care of, Terri. Let’s not stick around here.
(Page 14, panel 1. Elektra faces Deadpool and Firelasher.)
Elektra: I know that voice... Deadpool!!!
Deadpool: Uh-oh.
(Panel 2. Elektra brandishes her sais at Deadpool.)
Firelasher: You know, once, just once, I’d like to go somewhere and not meet someone who hates your guts.
Elektra: I owe you some serious pain for what you did to me, pool.
Deadpool: (nervously) Elektra... long time no see there... so how are things in the heroine for hire business?
Nina: Elektra, who is this yutz?
(Panel 3. Firelasher steps in between Deadpool and Elektra.)
Firelasher: This so-called yutz is my boyfriend... and we’re trying to have a nice quiet night on the town.
Elektra: You picked everything wrong...for starters, he always has his mind in his pants.
Deadpool: (1) Not all the time.
Deadpool: (2) Take now for example.
Deadpool: (3) I’ve got three really hot babes around but I’m not thinking about sex right now.
Deadpool: (4) Although having a blonde, brunette and redhead has always been a fantasy of mine...
(Panel 4. Firelasher scowls at Deadpool.)
Firelasher: (coldly) Deadpool...
Elektra: (gritting her teeth) Step aside or share his misery.
Deadpool: Oh, come on, Firelasher. Don’t tell me you haven’t had a dream of two men at once too.
(Page 15, panel 1. Elektra strikes Firelasher, sending her back.)
Elektra: Then suffer as he did!
SFX: POW!!!
Deadpool: HEY!!! That’s not kosher!!
(Panel 2. Deadpool draws his swords, and removes his hologram, showing himself in his uniform.)
Deadpool: Now you’ve gone and done it.
(Panel 3. Deadpool and Elektra clash sword to sai as Firelasher stands.)
Firelasher: *SIGH*... so much for a quiet night...
SFX: CLANG!
(Panel 4. Nina attacks Firelasher, taking a swing at her with her sword.)
Nina: Stay out of this fight!
SFX: SWISH!
Firelasher: Alright blondie, you made it personal now.
(Panel 5. Firelasher removes her hologram to show herself in her uniform.)
Firelasher: I’m not exactly defenseless...
(Page 16, panel 1. Firelasher shoots a blast of flame at Nina. Meanwhile, Deadpool and Elektra clash sai to sword.)
SFX: WHOOMPH!! CLANG!
Deadpool: (1)Nice to see you haven’t lost your touch.
Deadpool: (2) Just out of curiosity, were those charges against you true?
(Panel 2. Elektra connects with a foot to Deadpool’s jaw. Firelasher gives Nina an elbow in the stomach.)
Firelasher: I do know unarmed battle techniques as well...
Deadpool: I taught her a lot of -UHN!
SFX: WHAM! WHOK!
(Panel 3. Elektra thrusts with her sai, which Deadpool catches with his sword. Nina gives Firelasher a foot to the jaw.)
Deadpool: Woah! I get the point!
Firelasher: Deadpool, we should - uhn!
SFX: CLANG! THWOK!
(Panel 4. Firelasher activates Deadpool’s teleporter, teleporting the four of them off.)
Deadpool: Teri, what are you doooooiiiinnnnggggg?
(Page 17, panel 1. Lake Caddo, East Texas. Deadpool, Firelasher, Nina, and Elektra teleport in.)
Firelasher: Well, home at last.
(Panel 2. Elektra faces Firelasher.)
Elektra: You really didn’t gain an advantage bringing us here.
Firelasher: Uh... you weren’t supposed to come along...
(Panel 2. Elektra strikes Deadpool in the face with the but of her sai.)
Elektra: A little something for that scarred face of yours.
SFX: WHAP!
(Panel 3. Firelasher faces Elektra.)
Firelasher: Just what did he do to you to warrant such treatment?
Elektra: You really want to know?
(Panel 4. Nina tries to strike Firelasher, who shoots a bolt of flame near Nina.)
Firelasher: Yes.
Deadpool: Firelasher, this might not be a good thing for you to hear...
(Page 18, panel 1. Elektra smiles sinisterly.)
Elektra: What’s the matter, Pool? Trying to make yourself out to be a saint to impress her?
Firelasher: He’s definitely not a saint, that’s for sure.
(Panel 2. Flashback. New York City, a few years ago. We see Elektra on the prowl for someone.)
Cap (E1): Closer.
Cap (E2): Just a little closer...
(Panel 3. Elektra makes a diving kick, knocking a man in a suit and tie down.)
SFX: WHAM!!
(Panel 4. The man pulls out a gun and fires, missing Elektra, who dodges his shots.)
SFX: Pow! Pow! Pow!
(Page 19, panel 1. Elektra throws a sai, which ends up in the barrel of the man’s gun.)
SFX: Whunk! Man: ARGH! DAMN YOU, WOMAN!!!
(Panel 2. Elektra approaches him, wielding her sai.)
Elektra: Your rein of crime is over, Manfredi.
(Panel 3. Suddenly Deadpool enters, knocking Elektra down.)
Deadpool: Sorry babe, can’t have you hurting my employer here.
SFX: WHACK!!
Elektra: UHN!
(Panel 4. The man stands.)
Man: Keep her alive, Deadpool... I want to torture her.
Deadpool: Will do, boss.
(Page 20, panel 1. Deadpool pulls out his katanas as Elektra pulls out her spare sai.)
Elektra: This man is a wanted felon, I am bringing him to justice.
Deadpool: I’m reminded about a saying about glass houses...or have you forgotten the reward on your head for killing your little friend there?
(Panel 2. Deadpool lunges, and Elektra catches his sword on her sai.)
Elektra: Good, but undisciplined...
SFX:CLANG!
(Panel 3.Elektra gives Deadpool a foot to the jaw.)
SFX: WHACK!!
(Panel 4. The man strikes Elektra from behind with the back of his pistol.)
Man: Do a good enough job and I’ll let you torture her, Deadpool.
Deadpool: [imitating Groucho Marx] You just said the magic woid.
SFX: WHAP!
(Panel 5. Elektra throws the man into Deadpool.)
Elektra: Since you like your help so much, you should have him.
SFX: CRASH!!
(Page 21, panel 1. Elektra leaves the scene, tossing a smoke grenade.)
Elektra: Something to remember me by...
Deadpool: Wonderful. Not only does she get away, but she also gives me lung cancer before she goes.
(Panel 2. The panel is engulfed with smoke.)
SFX: HISS!!!
(Panel 3. Go back to the present, with Deadpool, Firelasher, Nina, and Elektra in the living area of the new Deadhut.)
Firelasher: Everyone has the right to reform, Elektra... even Deadpool.
Elektra: Agreed. However, sometimes, you need to kick someone in the right direction.
(Panel 4. Elektra approaches Nina.)
Elektra: Teleport us back. There’s still crime to be dealt with in Hell’s Kitchen.
(Page 22, panel 1. Deadpool pulls a lever, and Nina and Elektra teleport out.)
Deadpool: Whew!
(Panel 2. Deadpool faces Firelasher.)
Deadpool: Well, now that this part is over...
Firelasher: At least you’re learning to control yourself now.
(Panel 3. Deadpool approaches Firelasher.)
Deadpool: So what do we do now?
Firelasher: I’m tired. Let’s go to bed.
(Panel 4. Deadpool perks up.)
Deadpool: Really?
Firelasher: Not for that! Geez, you are insatiable.
(Panel 5. Deadpool puts his arms around Firelasher, and kisses her.)
Deadpool: Perhaps... but you’re just as insatiable as I am.
(Panel 6. They part lips.)
Firelasher: Damn you for knowing me too well, Wade.
