(Front cover. We see Slapstick behind Deadpool,. over Deadpool's right shoulder. Slapstick parodies the scene from "Poltergeist." Deadpool parodies the face slapping scene from "Home Alone." Caption notaitons: D- Deadpool; S-Slapstick; N-Narrator.)
Slapstick: I'm baaaaack!
Deadpool: AUGH!!!!!
(Inside front cover. We see the usual blurb for Deadpool. Below that, we see the following blurbs:)
Slapstick: Mr. Immortal clone #1334! Fighting clowns from dimension X, Steve Harmon gained vast powers. He's the toon that doesn't fight crime - he plays dirty tricks on it! But what does he look like?
Mike: Steve's close friend and confidant, Mike is usually the level headed one who keeps Steve's feet on the ground.
Barb Halsey: Total babe who Steve has the hots for. Other than that, nobody has bothered to find out much about her.
Bubba the Wizard: Kraven the Hunter clone #5467! A mighty wizard with a Texas drawl so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut it, Bubba is now ready to conquer the world - and at his first target, our merc with a mouth gets in the way!
(Below this, we recount what has happened so far. Page 1, panel 1. The Deadhut. We see Deadpool there, sitting at the dining room table. He reads a newspaper. He wears his uniform.)
Cap (N1): Things are quiet now for our merc with a mouth.
Cap (N2): Soon, however, that will change. . .
(Panel 2. Deadpool stands, setting aside the newspaper.)
Deadpool: Well, it's time to go.
(Panel 3. Deadpool activates his teleporter, teleporting out.)
Deadpool: Time to make the doughnuts.
(Panel 4. Cut over to Steve Harmon and Mike. We see them in a school, standing next to a row of lockers. Mike and Steve have their lockers open, and are taking books out of them.)
Cap (N1): And now for one of those sub-plots that doesn't make sense now, but will later.
Cap (N2): Steve Harmon and his friend Mike are now seniors in high school.
Mike: Man, I can't believe old man Kregberg gave us a homework assignment right before the Jackwipes show.
Steve: Yea, you'd think he'd be reasonable.
(Panel 5. Steve and Mike take their lunch bags out of their lockers.)
Mike: Well, lunch time.
(Page 2, splash page. We see a large, bruiser football type man standing behind Steve and Mike. He grinds a fist into his palm. Leave room for credits here.)
Bully (Very coldly): Harmon. . .
Steve: Eep!
(Page 3, panel 1. Steve turns around.)
Steve: Uh. . . hi.
Bully: Don't you hi me, Harmon!!
(Panel 2. The bully yanks Steve's lunch away from him.)
Bully: You're gonna starve, Harmon! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
(Panel 3. The bully walks away.)
Mike: I can't believe you'd let him get away with that so easily.
Steve: Well, I planned to buy my lunch today.
(Panel 4. They close their lockers.)
Mike: So. . . what was in that bag?
Steve: Something to make him think.
(Panel 5. Go back to the bully. We see him standing in the lunch room.)
Bully: Ha ha ha, that Harmon is such a wimp.
(Panel 6. The bully reaches into the sack, and gets his hand snapped by a mousetrap.)
SFX: SNAP!!
Bully: OW!!
(Page 3, panel 1. The bully pulls out the mousetrap with a note attached to it.)
Bully: &*#@!!
(Panel 2. The bully reads the note, which merely states: "Got milk?")
Bully: HARMON!!!!
(Panel 3. Go back to Steve and Mike. They walk to the lunch room.)
Cap (N): and just a few seconds earlier. . . .
Steve: five. . . four. . .. three. . . .two. . . one. . ..
(Panel 4. They hear the snap from off panel.)
SFX: SNAP!
Mike: Steve, you didn't. . . .
Steve: I did.
(Panel 5. Mike faces Steve.)
Mike: He's gonna be mighty angry when he gets his hands on you.
Steve: True, but a certain toon will take care of him.
(Page 4, panel 1. Cut back to Deadpool. We see him arrive outside a hotel in New York City.)
Cap (N1): New York City.
Cap (N2): And on vacation today is our Merc with a mouth.
Cap (N3): Joining him later will be his friend, Zoe.
(Panel 2. Deadpool goes into the hotel, which is a run-down, flea bag hostel of a place. There is a guy working front desk, who is balding. He wears a white undershirt and trousers.)
Clerk: Wadaya want!?
Deadpool: Got a reservation, name's Wilson.
(Panel 3. The clerk looks the register over.)
Clerk: All right, room 2.
(Panel 4. The clerk throws the keys at Deadpool, who catches them.)
Deadpool: That's what I like about New York. . . all the fine, friendly people.
Clerk (not amused): Ged outta here!
(Panel 5. Deadpool goes to his room. We see him stand in front of the door.)
Cap (N): and a little later. . .
Cap (D): Hmm. . . nice place. But then again, it's dirt cheap.
(Page 5, panel 1. Deadpool puts the key into the door, and the door falls off its hinges.)
SFX: WHUMP!
Deadpool: Well, you get what you pay for.
(Panel 2. Go over to Bubba the Wizard. He is residing two doors down from Deadpool. We see him concocting a potion.)
Cap (N1): And a mere two doors down from our merc,
Cap (N2): Bubba the wizard concocts his potion.
(Panel 3. The potion emits a puff of smoke.)
SFX: WHOOF!
Bubba: Alrighty, nahew Ah ahm gawnna rewle the werld!
Cap (N1): If you're wondering what he just said,
Cap (N2): So are we.
(Panel 4. Bubba splashes the concoction on his face.)
Bubba: Ahnd Nahw, Ah ahm invincibul!
(Panel 5. Bubba goes out of the place. )
Cap (N): Heaven help Bubba now. . .
(Page 7, panel 1. Go back to Steve Harmon. We see him leaving school for the day. Mike is with him.)
Cap (N): And a little later. . .
Mike: Got to hand it to you, Steve. Nobody else would have been that brave.
Steve: Well, nobody else has a certain superpower hero at their disposal like I do.
(Panel 2. They walk out of the school and into the schoolyard.)
Steve: Well, Things are definitely looking up here.
(Panel 3. They spot Barb Halsey in a sports car.)
Mike: Barb Halsey, hm? I suppose you're going to say hi to her?
Barb: Hey Steve!
(Panel 4. Steve is shocked.)
Steve: She. . . she called to me!!
(Panel 5. Steve rushes up to Barb.)
Steve: Yes?
Barb: When was that test in biology?
(Panel 6. Steve is crestfallen.)
Steve: Tuesday.
Barb: Thanks, well, gotta go!
(Panel 7. Barb screeches away in her car.)
SFX: SQUEAL!!
Steve: Bummer.
(Page 8, panel 1. We see Deadpool there by himself, on a street corner.)
Deadpool: Well, it's time for the usual prerequisite bashing. So where's our villain for this piece?
Cap (N): Keep your shirt on, DP. He's coming.
(Panel 2. Slapstick is running away from the bully from earlier.)
Slapstick: AAAAIIIIEEEEE!!!!
Bully: Come back here, you little creep!!!
(Panel 3. Slapstick literally runs into Deadpool.)
SFX: WHAM!
Slapstick: UHN!!
(Panel 4. Slapstick, now on the ground, looks up at Deadpool.)
Deadpool: Look where you're going, all right?
(Page 9, panel 1. The bully catches up to Slapstick.)
Bully: I'm gonna kill you!!!
Slapstick: Mother. . .
(Panel 2. The bully picks up Slapstick by his neck.)
Slapstick: Erk!
Deadpool: You've got to be kidding me.
(Panel 3. Deadpool gestures to Slapstick as the bully stretches Slapstick out with his hands.)
Deadpool (1): A toon?
Deadpool (2): Of all the people I have to face, you gave me a toon?
(Panel 4. The bully stomps on Slapstick, who is on the ground.)
SFX: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Slapstick: HHHHHHEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!!
(Panel 5. Deadpool remains passive. The bully continues to stomp on Slapstick.)
SFX: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Slapstick: Hey, you in the superpower costume! HELP ME!!!!
Deadpool: Why should I?
(Page 10, panel 1. Slapstick thinks.)
SFX: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Slapstick: I've got a Mondike bar here!
Deadpool: Would I do a good deed and save someone for a Mondike bar?
(Panel 2. Deadpool thinks.)
SFX: Stomp! Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!
Deadpool (1): All right, I'll do it.
Deadpool (2): Just make sure it's cold.
(Panel 3. Deadpool stops the bully.)
Deadpool: Excuse me, why are you beating on him?
Bully: That's none of your %$@# bidness, @#$*&!!!!!
(Panel 4. Deadpool is upset.)
Deadpool: Hey, I asked a question here.
(Panel 5. Deadpool strikes the bully, sending him away from Slapstick.)
Deadpool: I hate being told it's none of my business.
(Page 11, panel 1. The bully rushes Deadpool.)
Bully: You're dead meat!!
Deadpool: That's Deadpool.
(Panel 2. Deadpool gives the bully a knee in the stomach.)
SFX: POW!!
Bully: OOF!!
(Panel 3. Deadpool slams the Bully's head into the concrete ground.)
SFX: WHAM!!
(Panel 4. Slapstick reforms himself as Deadpool picks up the Bully.)
Deadpool: Now, if I were you, I'd go away and not come back, cap-eesh?
Bully (scared and bleeding): Uh- yea.
(Panel 5 Deadpool throws the Bully several feet.)
Deadpool: Good.
(Page 12, panel 1. The Bully hits a wall.)
SFX: POW!!
Slapstick: Oh, my hero!
Deadpool (coldly): Don't call me that.
(Panel 2. Deadpool and Slapstick continue to talk.)
Deadpool: So who are you anyway?
Slapstick: I'm the awesome Slapstick?
(Panel 3. They get names confused.)
Deadpool: The name's Deadpool, Shake-a-Stick-at.
Slapstick: That's Slapstick, Genepool.
(Panel 4. Slapstick activates his transducer, and a Mondike bar appears.)
SFX: Poit.
Slapstick: Well, here's your Mondike bar.
(Panel 5. Deadpool looks the Mondike bar over as he holds it.)
Deadpool: EUGH!! This has those horrible nuts in it!
(Page 13, panel 1. the Bully exits.)
Bully: I'm out of here!
(Panel 2. We see Slapstick and Deadpool on a street corner.)
Deadpool (1): Slaphappy.
Deadpool (2): Of all the super heroes in New York City, I had to run into you.
Deadpool (3): I could have gotten Spider-Man, any of the Avengers, Archangel, Psylocke, the Heroes for Hire, or even Elektra. But I had to run into you, didn't I?
Slapstick (1): Imagine how I feel. I once upstaged greats like Ghost Rider, the Thing, Daredevil, Thor, the New Warriors, and Captain America. * Now I'm stuck here.
Slapstick (2):And it's Slapstick.
Cap (N): * Slapstick #4.
(Panel 3. They face each other.)
Slapstick: I suppose I have to fight you now, right?
Deadpool: I'd rather not fight you.
(Panel 4. Suddenly a wall breaks down, and then Bubba the Wizard enters. Slapstick jumps into Deadpool's arms.)
Slapstick: OHMIGAWD! What is that!?!?
Deadpool: Looks like our lame villain for the story.
(Panel 5. Bubba approaches Deadpool.)
Bubba: Lahme!? YEW DAHRE CAWL TEE MAHGTEE BUBBA TEE WIZURD LAHME?!?!?
Slapstick: What did he say?
(Panel 6. Bubba advances on Deadpool and Slapstick. Deadpool drops Slapstick.)
Bubba: Ah'm a gawna teuhrn y'awl inteu grawnd behef!
Deadpool: Beats me. Sounds like a foreign language.
(Page 14, panel 1. Bubba is face to face with Deadpool.)
Bubba: Fahcee tee mahghty rahwth uhf Bubba tee Wizurd!
Deadpool: Excuse us for one moment.
(Panel 2. We see Deadpool and Slapstick lying on the ground, laughing hard. They hold their sides.)
SFX: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!
Cap (N): So much for instilling fear in our heroes.
Bubba: Lewks lahke y'awl gawtuh leurn tee hahrwd wahe.
(Panel 3. Bubba fires a magical blast from his hands, narrowly missing the diving Deadpool. Deadpool and Slapstick stop laughing.)
SFX: SKWING!
Deadpool: HEY!!
(Panel 4. Deadpool and Slapstick stand.)
Deadpool: All right pal, this is where you get stopped.
(Panel 5. Deadpool fires his gun at Bubba, but the bullets bounce off Bubba.)
Deadpool (1): Eat lead, you reject from the cast of Oklahoma!
Deadpool (2): Uh-oh.
SFX (1): Blam! Blam! Blam!
SFX (2): Ping! Ping! Ping!
(Panel 6. Bubba hits Slapstick with a magical blast.)
SFX: SKING!
Slapstick: YEOW!!
(Page 14, panel 1. We see Slapstick with a hole in his chest.)
Slapstick: HEY! This is a new uniform, mister!
(Panel 2. Slapstick reforms himself as Deadpool strikes Bubba with his katana. The sword bounces off Bubba.)
SFX: Poit.
Deadpool (1): Try some Krupp C55 steel, mister!!
SFX: KRENG!
Deadpool (2): Crikey O'Riley not again.
(Panel 3. Bubba strikes Deadpool, sending him backwards.)
SFX: POW!!!
(Panel 4. We see Deadpool with a dislocated jaw. He is lying on the ground.)
Deadpool: Mfrngh. . ..
Slapstick: Uh, Deadhead? What's wrong here?
(Panel 5. Bubba seizes Slapstick by his neck.)
Slapstick: URK!
(Panel 6. Bubba is face to face with Slapstick, who winces.)
Bubba: Ah'm a fixin' teu gihve yew a-whoopin'!
Slapstick: WOAH! I got one word for you, pal: mouthwash.
(Panel 7. Slapstick pours some mouthwash into Bubba's mouth.)
Slapstick: There, that's much better now.
Bubba: EUGH!!
(Panel 8. Bubba spits out the mouthwash on Slapstick.)
SFX: SPUUT!
Bubba: AH HAET MEDICUN BREUTH!!!
Slapstick: GLUB!
(Page 15, panel 1. Bubba picks up Deadpool with one hand, holding Slapstick in the other.)
Slapstick: Eeeu. . .. I've got your germs now.
Bubba: Y'awl ahr gawnna dahe!
(Panel 2. Bubba emits a sleep gas.)
SFX: HISS. . .
Deadpool: Sleep. . . gas. . .
(Panel 3. We see a completely black panel. Panel 4. We see Deadpool and Slapstick wake up in a room made of concrete. There are no windows, or anything else in the room other than Deadpool and Slapstick.)
Deadpool (1): Uhn. . .
Deadpool (2): No Terry, I didn't hurt him, I swear.
(Panel 5. Deadpool sits up.)
Deadpool (1): What the --!?
Deadpool (2): Aw man, not the old wake up somewhere else bit.
Deadpool (3): That happens way too much to me.
Slapstick: Deadman! You're awake!
(Panel 6. Deadpool faces Slapstick.)
Deadpool: That's Deadpool, Slapshot.
Slapstick: Slapstick.
(Page 16, panel 1. Deadpool stands.)
Deadpool: Where are we?
Slapstick: Beats me. There are no doors, no windows, and no way out.
(Panel 2. Deadpool takes Slapstick's hand, and pushes his teleporter.)
Deadpool (1): Let's try my teleporter.
SFX: click.
Deadpool (2): Rasinfrats. It's being jammed.
(Panel 3. Slapstick's stomach forms a mouth.)
Slapstick's stomach: HEY!! How about gettin' some food down here!?
Slapstick: Sorry. . . I haven't eaten in awhile.
(Panel 4. Deadpool thinks.)
Deadpool: Well then, I guess you're going to have to eat me.
Slapstick: Eat you!? Never!
(Panel 5. Deadpool smiles beneath his mask.)
Cap (N): This is heading in the direction you think it will. . . if you've watched too many cartoons like Deadpool here.
Deadpool (1): Sure you can.
Slapstick (1): No I can't.
Deadpool (2): Yes you can.
Slapstick (2): No I can't.
Deadpool (3): Yes you can.
Slapstick (3): No I can't.
Deadpool (4): Yes you can.
Slapstick (4): No I can't.
Deadpool (5): Yes you can.
Slapstick (5): No I can't.
(Panel 6. They continue to argue.)
Deadpool (1): No you can't.
Slapstick (1): Yes I can.
Deadpool (2): No you can't.
Slapstick (2): Yes I can.
Deadpool (3): No you can't.
Slapstick (3): Yes I can.
Deadpool (4): No you can't.
Slapstick: (4) Yes I can.
Deadpool (5): No you can't.
Slapstick (5): Yes I can.
(Page 17, panel 1. Slapstick gets angry.)
Slapstick: I said I'll eat you and I will!!
Deadpool: All right. . . then go off panel and get a pot of water and a fire.
(Panel 2. Slapstick goes off panel. Panel 3. He reenters with a pot of water, which he puts lit sticks beneath.)
Deadpool: Now go and get some vegetables.
(Panel 3. Slapstick goes off panel. Panel 4. He comes back with several potatoes, all of which have the letter E imprinted on one end.)
Deadpool (1): An E?
Slapstick: They're Dan Quayle potatoes.
Deadpool (2): I should of guessed.
(Panel 5. Slapstick chops up the potatoes, putting them in the cauldron. Panel 6. Exit Slapstick. He reenters with some carrots in panel 7.)
Deadpool (1): Ah, carrots. Good for the vision.
Slapstick: How so?
Deadpool (2): Ever seen a rabbit wear glasses?
(Page 18, panel 1. Exit Slapstick.)
Cap (N): A little later. . .
(Panel 2. Slapstick reenters with some onions.)
Deadpool (1): Wadda minute. . . hold the onions.
Deadpool (2): They give me gas.
(Panel 3. Slapstick drops the onions.)
Slapstick: All right, it's ready for you.
Deadpool: Good.
(Panel 4. Deadpool smiles.)
Deadpool (1): Vegetable soup for everyone!!
Deadpool (2): And mama said watching those cartoons would never come in handy.
Slapstick (upset): HEY!! You tricked me!!
(Panel 5. Deadpool tries to calm Slapstick down.)
Deadpool: Hey, relax. The alternative wasn't pleasant. Now go off panel and get us some bowls.
(Page 19, panel 1. Later. We see Bubba the Wizard enter the place.)
Bubba: Wah ahrmn't yew-awl dehed?
Deadpool: Huh?
(Panel 2. Bubba is frustrated.)
Bubba: Ah lehft yew heur teu dahe!
Slapstick (to the audience): Can you understand what he's saying? I sure can't. But let's hope Deadman can keep him distracted long enough for me to do this.
(Panel 3. Slapstick sneaks up to Bubba, and takes his magic wand.)
Bubba (noticing): HAHE!! Yew gihev thaht bahec!!!
(Panel 4. Slapstick waves the wand at Bubba, who turns orange.)
SFX: Crackle!
Slapstick: Let's see what this can do here.
Deadpool: Great, we'll miscolor him to death.
(Panel 5. Slapstick gives the wand to Deadpool.)
Slapstick: If you think you can do better, then do it yourself!
(Panel 6. Deadpool fires the wand at Bubba, turning him to stone.)
SFX: CRACKLE!!
(Panel 7. Deadpool fires the wand at a wall, which vanishes.)
Slapstick: Say, why did that wand work for you and not for me?
Deadpool: Well, it is my series.
(Page 20, panel 1. Cut over to the lair of T-Ray. We see him sitting in a circle of mystical symbols.)
Cap (N1): Time for one of those plots that doesn't make sense now, but will later.
Cap (N2): They're in every other X derived series, so why not here?
(Panel 2. T-Ray stands.)
Cap (T): Time to feed her.
(Panel 3. T-Ray gets some food, mostly fruits for someone.)
Cap (T1): Keeping her captive is costing me a lot.
Cap (T2): But the love of my life insists she stay alive. . .
(Panel 4. T-Ray walks toward a prison cell, which is engulfed in darkness.)
T-Ray: Feeding time.
(Panel 5. T-Ray slides the plate into the prison cell. Panel 6. We see a woman's arm and hand come from the shadows, and take the plate. The arm and hand are covered with scars.)
Cap (N1): She has been T-Ray's captive for some time now.
Cap (N2): Whether she is freed or not,
Cap (N3): Depends on our Merc with a mouth.
Cap (N4): And you can pretty much bet that when a beautiful woman is involved,
Cap (N5): Deadpool's hormones will rage out of control.
(Page 21, panel 1. Cut back to Deadpool and Slapstick. Slapstick is confused.)
Slapstick: What was that sub-plot all about?
Deadpool: Beats me, but I have a feeling I'll find out soon.
(Panel 2. Deadpool faces Slapstick.)
Deadpool: Well, gotta go now.
Slapstick: Can I make my pitch now?
(Panel 3. Deadpool hesitates.)
Deadpool: Well. . . all right.
Slapstick: Thanks.
(Panel 4. We see Slapstick's face only.)
Slapstick: You gotta help me!!! I can't stand it in the closet of characters without a series!! Write to Marvel and demand that they give me a series of my own!!!
(Panel 5. Pull back to show Deadpool there, with his arms folded across his chest.)
Deadpool: Are you done yet?
Slapstick: Yea, all done.
(Page 22, panel 1. Deadpool teleports out. Panel 2. We see him at a New York restaurant. Sitting at a table is Zoe the Expediter.)
Deadpool: Well, having dinner with a babe. Things are definitely looking up.
Zoe: Sit down and shut up, Pool.
(Panel 2. Deadpool sits down.)
Deadpool: So what's so hush-hush about this assignment that you couldn't give it to me at h.q?
Zoe: That's the problem, Deadpool. Someone has been breaking into our headquarters in Madripoor and stealing things, hacking our computer, and the like.
(Panel 3. Zoe looks around, then faces Deadpool.)
Zoe: Find that technogeek friend of yours and hire him.
Deadpool: Weasel? Well, we didn't exactly part on the best of terms. . .
(Panel 4. Zoe grimaces at Deadpool.)
Zoe: This is serious! Our experts can't figure out who's doing it! We've got a pile of dead guards mounting there!
Deadpool: Well, you can count on me, chief.
Cap (N): The end of this part of the story.
--End--
