Deadpool:

"Kinfolk"

(Front cover. We see an elderly woman, white hair, wearing a frumpy blue dress. She is pulling Deadpool off by his ear.) Anne (woman): You, young man, are going to learn to respect your elders.

(Inside front cover. We see the usual blurbs for Deadpool, Firelasher, Blind Al, Deuce, and Weasel. Below that, we see this blurb:) Anne Hillyard: Deadpool's mother and one tough cookie. This is one woman you don’t want to mess with.

(Page 1, panel 1. The Deadhut. We see Deadpool and Firelasher teleport in, their uniforms in rags, beaten, tired, and hurting. ) Cap (N1): When you live the life of a merc, Cap (N2): Some bumps and bruises are inevitable. Cap (N3): Cases in point: Deadpool and Firelasher. Cap (N4): They just returned from a very nasty assignment. Cap (N5): And so they go to the shower. Firelasher: God, that was nasty. Deadpool: You said it. I barely have enough energy to take a shower.

(Panel 2. Firelasher goes to the bathroom.) Deadpool: Can we try to shower together? Firelasher: Wade, you’re dead tired, and all you can think about is sating your libido? Do you ever think of anything other than getting a "total babe" in bed with you?

(Panel 3. Deadpool is serious.) Deadpool: I already have that, Teri. After all, you do sleep next to me every night. But I really don’t think I could wait awhile for the shower. Firelasher: *SIGH*... all right, come on in, Wade.

(Panel 4. Deadpool goes to the bathroom with Firelasher.) Deadpool: You won’t regret this, Teri.

(Panel 5. Go over to see Deuce the Devil dog leading Blind Al up to the telephone.) Al: What is it, you mangy mutt? Cap (N1): Enter another element to this story. Cap (N2): Her name is Blind Al, and the dog is called Deuce. Cap (N3): They’re about to deftly execute a passive-aggressive plot.

(Page 2, panel 1. The phone rings.) SFX: RING!! Al: I’ll get it!

(Panel 2. All talks into the telephone.) Al: Hello? Voice (from the phone): Alfred, this is Anne, I’m coming to visit tomorrow morning.

(Panel 3. Al smiles sinisterly.) Al: Well, you’re always welcome here in my book, Anne. Stop on by any time.

(Panel 4. Al smiles some more as she hangs up the phone.) Cap (N1): She knows all too well what’s going to happen. Cap (N2): Which is why she relishes it.

(Page 3, panel 1. We see Deadpool and Firelasher stepping out of the bathroom. Both of them wear only bathrobes.) Cap (N1): And about an hour later, Cap (N2): These two step out of the shower. Deadpool: Ah, a great shower is always refreshing. Firelasher: You’re just glad you got to see me naked again.

(Panel 2. The two head to the bed.) Deadpool: Well, don’t you enjoy looking at me naked? Firelasher: That’s a male thing. Women know better.

(Panel 3. Deadpool smiles sinisterly.) Deadpool: Really? Is that why when I wake up in the morning your hands are usually on my - Firelasher (interrupts): Finish that sentence and you won’t be getting any action ever again.

(Panel 4. Deadpool puts an arm around Firelasher.) Deadpool: Teri, it’s perfectly normal for a woman to want a man. Just let your feelings flow. Firelasher: Wade, I’m tired. I want to sleep.

(Panel 5. We now see Deadpool in a pair of shorts, and Firelasher in a sexy nightgown. They are about to enter bed together.) Deadpool: Good night, Teri. Firelasher: Good night, Wade.

(Panel 6. While lying in bed under the covers, Deadpool kisses Firelasher.) Deadpool: Guh.

(Page 4, panel 1. The next morning. We see Deadpool and Firelasher in each other’s arms, in bed. Both of them smile gently as they sleep.) Cap (N1): They have slept like babies. Cap (N2): Little knowing what is in store for them. Cap (N3): They’ve been asleep for 11 hours now.

(Panel 2. The two of them wake up, and turn away from each other.) Deadpool & Firelasher (simultaneously): Morning.

(Panel 3. The two of them stand, and go to the bathroom.) Deadpool: We really should do something about this.

(Panel 4. We see them gargling with mouthwash.) SFX: Gargle! Gargle! Gargle!

(Panel 5. They spit.) SFX: Ptui!

(Page 5, panel 1. The two of them embrace.) Deadpool: We’ve got to do this more often. Firelasher: Well, we’ve got time to do it now.

(Panel 2. They kiss.) Voice (from off panel): Ack-ahem.

(Panel 3. Deadpool and Firelasher part.) Deadpool (with terror written all over his face.): Oh no. Not you. Anyone but you.

(Panel 4. We now see Anne Wilson standing next to Deadpool and Firelasher.) Anne: Wade Theodore Wilson, is that anyway to greet your mother!? Firelasher: Theodore?

(Panel 5. Deadpool gets nervous as Anne leads him away from Firelasher.) Anne: I turn my back for one minute and what happens? I find you in the arms of some woman that you paid to be with you!! Firelasher: Wade didn’t pay me to be with him.

(Page 6, panel 1. Anne faces Firelasher.) Anne: I know my son, you hussy! The only way he can get a girlfriend is to pay her. Firelasher: Wade rescued me from a very terrible fate.

(Panel 2. Anne stares daggers at Firelasher.) Anne (1): Then you were taken advantage of, just like Wade always does. Anne (2): Typical of you, Wade. Just like that Vanessa sleaze you loved awhile back.

(Panel 3. Firelasher follows Deadpool and Anne.) Firelasher: Wade, who is this woman?? Anne: I am his mother, you sleaze!

(Panel 4. Anne grits her teeth at Firelasher.) Firelasher: Look, I’m not the sleaze you take me for - Wade is in a very precarious position, and I’m here to help him decide whether or not he wants to be on the side of justice or the side of evil. Anne: Yadda, yadda, yadda. You don’t know my son like I do.

(Panel 5. Firelasher pulls Deadpool aside.) Firelasher: Wade, stand up to your mother. Deadpool: Teri, I can’t. You don’t stand up to a woman like her. There’s a lot more to her than you think.

(Panel 6. Anne interrupts Deadpool and Firelasher.) Anne: The sooner you were taken away from this female the better!

(Page 7, panel 1. Firelasher stands in between Deadpool and Anne.) Firelasher: Wade and I have a special relationship. He is in need of someone to keep him on the straight and narrow. Anne: Him? On the path of justice? Only when it fattens his bank account.

(Panel 2. Anne faces Deadpool.) Anne: Why couldn’t you be more like your brother Walter? Deadpool: Walter’s a Hare Krishna, mom. Stop being in denial about it. He spends all his time at airports soliciting money for them.

(Panel 3. Anne is shocked and offended.) Anne: Bite your tongue!!! Walter is a well-respected man of the community, something you’ll never be. Firelasher: Ms. Wilson, it sounds to me like-

(Panel 4. Anne interrupts Firelasher.) Anne: That’s Ms. Hillyard to you, hussy! Just like Wade here, his father walked out on me when things got rough.

(Page 8, panel 1. Cut over to the offices of Landau, Lucian, and Lake. We see Thunderweasel and Kirsten Culloden holding each other close, and smiling.) Cap (N1): The offices of Landau, Luckman, and Lake. Cap (N2): And enjoying their time together are Thunderweasel and Kirsten Culloden. Cap (N3): This, however, will change....

(Panel 2. Enter Overboss Dixon.) Dixon: Kirsten, Jack, I have an assignment for you.

(Panel 3. Thunderweasel and Kirsten part.) Thunderweasel: What is it? Dixon: There’s a very precarious matter of some people stranded here on Earth, who need to return to Asguard. You, Jack, have such a way to return them there.

(Panel 4. Thunderweasel pulls out his mace.) Thunderweasel: I’ll get right on it, Dixon.

(Page 9, panel 1. Go back to Anne, Firelasher, and Deadpool. we see Anne leading Deadpool by his ear to a closet.) Cap (N): Later... Anne: All right, Wade, you’ve got some explaining to do.

(Panel 2. Anne opens up the closet to show the four Gwen Stacey clones from Deadpool #0 standing there, inactive.) Anne: Well, what do you have to say for yourself!? Firelasher (Surprised): I’d like to hear this one too.

(Panel 3. Deadpool faces Firelasher.) Deadpool: Teri, they’re robots. I got them before I met you. I put them in mothballs after I met you, because I didn’t want you to become jealous. Cap (N): A bit too late for that.

(Panel 4. Firelasher checks over the Gwen Staceys.) Firelasher: They are robots... Wade, you gave this up for me? Deadpool (1): Of course, Teri... I’d give up a million of hers for one of you. Deadpool (2): Besides, they’re not 100% anatomically correct. Anne: But you kept them around just like you always do.

(Panel 5. Deadpool closes the door.) Deadpool: Ma, Al could really use some help with things. Anne: Oh no, you can’t fool me. I know you too well. I want an explanation for this right now, mister!

(Page 10, panel 1. Deadpool is serious.) Deadpool: Well, here’s the truth. A mad scientist named Arnim Zola who was cloning people for his sinister experiments created them. I was hired to stop him, and then when I did, they didn’t have a place to go. Anne: So you followed your overactive libido and let them stay here.

(Panel 2. Deadpool faces Anne.) Deadpool: Come on, Al had a broken leg at the time. They agreed to help both of us out while she healed. Anne: *SIGH*.... It’s just typical of you, Wade. If you’re not off being some psycho killer, you’re listening to your private parts. Sex and violence is all you ever think of.

(Panel 3. Deadpool pleads with his mother.) Deadpool: Ma, I did a good thing. They were going to be destroyed. Anne: what about the other robots that this scientist had, hm? Why didn’t you save them?

(Panel 4. Anne folds her arms across her chest.) Deadpool: The others were psychotic killers, really bad guys. Anne: Just like yourself.

(Panel 5. Deadpool turns away) Deadpool (quietly): And just who made me that way? Anne: What was that, Wade?

(Page 11, panel 1. Anne pulls Deadpool off by his ear.) Anne: You’ve got a very dirty mouth on you, mister. I think it’s time we washed it out. Firelasher: Wade, stand up for yourself!

(Panel 2. Anne strikes Firelasher, sending Firelasher back.) Anne: Stay out of this, you harlot!! SFX: SMACK!!!

(Panel 3. Anne leads Deadpool into the bathroom.) Anne: It’s time you got yourself cleaned up.

(Panel 4. Anne washes Deadpool’s mouth out with soap.) Anne: And when we’re done here, we’re going to get you into something decent, mister! Deadpool: >GLUB!! <

(Page 12, panel 1. Go back to Thunderweasel and Kirsten. We see them meet up with several Asguardians. Dixon is on the scene too.) Dixon: You’d better hurry. The longer they’re here, the more magic it will take to get them back. Thunderweasel: No problem, boss.

(Panel 2. Thunderweasel waves his mace around them.) Thunderweasel: I’ll be back in two shakes.

(Panel 3. All but Dixon vanish.) Dixon: That’s what you think....

(Panel 4. We see Thunderweasel and the Asguardians arrive at the shattered Bifrost.) Asguardian: Zounds! Yon Rainbow Bridge doth be broken!

(Panel 5. The Asguardians turn to Thunderweasel.) Asguardian: Forsooth, only the most vilest of villains could hath wrecked the rainbow bridge! We doth need a hero for to protect us!

(Page 13, panel 1. Thunderweasel lands them at the ruins of Asguard.) Asguardian: Od’s blood! The golden city doth be in ruins! The realm eternal hath fallen!

(Panel 2. The Asguardian turns to Thunderweasel.) Asguardian: What manner of foul spawn of Muspelheim could hath wrought this?

(Panel 3. Thunderweasel looks around.) Thunderweasel: I don’t know, dude.... but we’re going to find out. Kirsten: Where do we start?

(Page 14, panel 1. Go back to Deadpool, Firelasher, and Anne. Deadpool and Firelasher are now in their uniforms, holding hands.) Cap (N1): Shortly thereafter... Deadpool: Hurry.

(Panel 2. Anne enters just as Deadpool and Firelasher teleport out.) Anne: Hey! You get back here you lame excuse for a human being!! And bring that sleaze with you!!

(Panel 3. Anne turns to Blind Al.) Anne: When I get my hands on that &*#@%$... Al: Relax, Anne. Perhaps some shopping is what we need.

(Panel 4. Go back to Deadpool and Firelasher. We see them in a sideway in a mall. ) Firelasher: Now I know where you get your mean streak from. Deadpool: She’s always been like that, Teri. But now is the time to relax. We’re at the mall, and I’m going to treat you to some shopping.

(Panel 5. Deadpool activates his holographic projector, surrounding himself in a purple light.) Deadpool: You might want to pick out something decent to wear too.

(Page 15, panel 1. Deadpool has a hologram of a brown hared man with brown eyes and an imperial beard. He wears a t-shirt that reads "1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila floor." on it and blue jeans.) Firelasher: Well, it has been awhile since I went shopping....

(Panel 2. Firelasher surrounds herself in a hologram of a blonde woman with blue eyes, who wears a t-shirt that reads "Love is a money spending thing" and blue jeans.) Firelasher: Time to shop ‘til we drop.

(Panel 3. They go out, and have an arm around each other.) Deadpool: You know, in all the fighting, all the trouble we go through in life, having you next to me makes it worthwhile. Firelasher: Aw...

(Panel 4. They go into a woman’s clothing shop.) Firelasher: So many dresses... so little time.

(Page 16, panel 1. Firelasher looks over the racks.) Firelasher: Well, what to try first, hm?

(Panel 2. We see Firelasher wearing a green low-cut dress with a short miniskirt on it.) Firelasher: So what do you think? Deadpool: Guh.

(Panel 3. Firelasher wears a tight red dress, which is full-length but has a slit up the side to the thigh.) Firelasher: How about this one? Deadpool: Guh.

(Panel 4. Firelasher wears a suit of armor.) Firelasher: So what do you think now? Deadpool: Guh.

(Panel 5. Firelasher grimaces at Deadpool.) Firelasher: Try picturing me with the clothing on, Wade. Deadpool: I’m sorry, Teri. I can’t help it. It’s something that comes in on the Y chromosome.

(Panel 6. Firelasher wears a modest light blue dress, with a short loose skirt on it.) Firelasher: I think I’ll take this one.

(Page 17, panel 1. Enter Anne and Al.) Al: This is one of my favorite places, Anne.

(Panel 2. Anne spots Deadpool and Firelasher.) Anne: There! There’s my good for nothing son!

(Panel 3. Anne picks up Deadpool with one hand.) Deadpool: ERK!! Anne: There you are, you lazy, no-good &*@#$%+! How DARE you run out on me!

(Panel 4. She takes Deadpool into the middle of the mall.) Anne: When we get home you’re gonna change and we’re gonna make you the decent little boy you should have been!

(Page 18 , panel 1. Firelasher grits her teeth at Anne.) Firelasher: That does it!!

(Panel 2. Firelasher shoots a blast of fire at Anne, who easily dodges it.) Deadpool: Uh-oh. You’ve really done it now, Teri.

(Panel 3. Anne narrows her eyes.) Anne: I’ve been nice to you until now, sleaze.... but that was taking it too far!

(Panel 4. Anne, with lightning speed, strikes Firelasher in the shoulder.) SFX: WHAM!!!

(Panel 5. Anne grabs Firelasher’s left arm and strikes her forearm, breaking it.) SFX: SKRUNCH!!! Firelasher: AAAAHHHH!!!!

(Page 19, panel 1. Deadpool is aghast.) Deadpool: TERI!!!!!!

(Panel 2. Deadpool makes a diving kick, striking his mother.) Deadpool: ENOUGH!!! SFX: WHAM!!!

(Panel 3. Anne is stunned as Firelasher lies on the ground.) Anne: Wade.... you.... hurt me? Deadpool: Mother, Teri is the best thing that ever happened to me. And you had to go and ruin it all!

(Panel 4. Deadpool connects with a fist to the jaw on Anne, causing saliva to spew from her mouth.) Deadpool: GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!

(Panel 5. Deadpool kicks Anne in the stomach.) Deadpool: You raised me to be completely dysfunctional, and you wanted me in some insane asylum. I’m not playing your game anymore, mother! Do you hear me? NO MORE!!! SFX: WHOK!!

(Page 20, panel 1. Anne goes down as Deadpool checks on Firelasher.) Deadpool: Teri, speak to me. Firelasher: Uhn... pain.... so much pain...

(Panel 2. Deadpool picks up Firelasher, and teleports out.) Deadpool: I’m taking you to the hospital.

(Panel 3. A San Francisco hospital in long shot.) Cap (N1): A hospital in San Francisco. Cap (N2): Here Deadpool has taken Firelasher to recover.

(Panel 4. Go inside to see a doctor tending to Firelasher, putting her arm in a sling. Deadpool stands nearby, wearing a hologram of his pre-Weapon X appearance.) Cap (N): And so... Doctor: She’s going to be fine, Mr. Wilson. She’s going to have to take it easy for a few weeks while her arm heals, but otherwise, she’ll be fine. Deadpool: Thank goodness.

( Page 21, panel 1. Deadpool faces Firelasher.) Deadpool: I’m so sorry this happened, Teri... I wish I could do something... Firelasher: I’d like to go to sleep now.

(Panel 2. Deadpool takes Firelasher’s good hand.) Deadpool: I’ve taken care of everything, and there’s a nice, warm bed waiting for you at home.

(Panel 3. Deadhut. We see Deadpool put Firelasher to bed.) Deadpool: Just relax, Teri. I’m here for you now.

(Panel 4. Enter Al.) Al: Well, I never thought you would do it. Deadpool (turns): Do what?

(Panel 5. Al approaches Deadpool.) Al: You’ve been letting your mother dominate and be despotic to you all your life. I don’t know how you managed to get her to stop. She left and said she wouldn’t return.

(Page 22, panel 1. Deadpool smiles.) Deadpool: You know..... I feel better than I ever have before.

(Panel 2. Deadpool enters the bed next to Firelasher.) Deadpool: Al, Teri and I have some sleep to catch up on. Al (smiles): Right, like you’re really going to sleep next to her.

(Panel 3. Exit Al.) Deadpool: Teri, thank you for being there.

(Panel 4. Split the panel to show Kirsten and Weasel kissing, and Deadpool kissing Firelasher.) Cap (N): Gratuitous feel-good ending.

--End--