(Front cover. We see Deadpool, with swords drawn, fighting Razorfist, who has his blades drawn.)
Cap (N): Deadpool vs. Razorfist!
(Inside front cover. We see the blurbs for Deadpool, Firelasher, Blind Al, and Deuce. Below that, we see this blurb:)
Razorfist: Hired mercenary whom little is known about, except he has sharp blades instead of hands.
(Page 1, panel 1. We see Razorfist standing in front of a shadowy man in a suit and tie.)
Man: Your assignment is simple.
(Panel 2. A screen shows a picture of Deadpool.)
Man: He is named Deadpool. Your job is to kill him.
Razorfist: Easily done.
(Panel 3. We see the man’s shadowy mouth only.)
Man: Be careful... he has fought some of the best to a standstill...
(Panel 4. Razorfist turns.)
Razorfist: Expect his masked head on a platter by tomorrow night.
(Page 2, panel 1. Go to Thunderweasel and Kirsten Culloden. We see them arriving in Scotland, near Loch Mortagmen. Thunderweasel flies via his mace, and Kirsten holds onto his back.)
Cap (N1): The Highlands of Scotland.
Cap (N2): He is named Thunderweasel.
Cap (N3): She is named Kirsten Culloden.
Cap (N3): Together, they are the most unlikely team that works for Landeau, Luckman, and Lake.
Cap (N4): But unlikely is what they’re going to face here....
(Panel 2. Thunderweasel lands, and Kirsten gets off his back.)
Thunderweasel (1): Well, we’re here.
Thunderweasel (2): Not that I minded having your arms around me all the way here, mind you...
Kirsten: Jack, we’re supposed to be looking for someone named Ben Nevis.
(Panel 3. They approach a man dressed in Highland garments.)
Thunderweasel: Excuse me, can you tell me where Ben Nevis is?
Man: Och, laddie, ye donna want ta be goin t’him. That’s mighty bad, by gum! You best keep goin’ out.
(Panel 4. The man exits as Thunderweasel and Kirsten face each other.)
Thunderweasel and Kirsten (simultaneously): What did he say??
(Panel 5. Thunderweasel goes toward a hill.)
Thunderweasel: Let’s get a vantage point of this valley.
(Panel 6. Suddenly the ground starts to shake.)
Kirsten: What’s going on??
Thunderweasel: I don’t know, Kristen!
(Page 3, splash page. Leave room for credits here. We see Ben Nevis rise from the ground, taking the shape of a humanoid mountain.)
Ben Nevis: Who dares to summon Ben Nevis... the mountain that walks like a man!?!?!?
Thunderweasel: Hoo boy.
(Page 4, panel 1. The Deadhut. We see the place in longshot.)
Cap (N1): About 3 hours later, allowing for time changes.
Cap (N2): The place is San Francisco.
Cap (N3): The street’s name is classified.
Cap (N4): At this home resides one man and two women.
(Panel 2. Go inside to see Deadpool and Firelasher watching a computer screen.)
Cap (N1): Here are two of them now.
Cap (N2): He is named Deadpool.
Cap (N3): She is named Firelasher.
Deadpool (1): It’s about time you got here. I was beginning to think you had renamed this book Thunderweasel or something like that.
Firelasher: Wade, remember, there’s no money in breaking the fourth wall.
Deadpool (2): Oops... sorry, true believers.
(Panel 3. Deadpool types something into the computer.)
Firelasher: Wade, why can’t we see sites that I like for a change?
Deadpool: Well Teri, those sites that you like are... well, boring.
(Panel 4. Firelasher grimaces.)
Firelasher: Oh, right, and these sites that are guns, knives, and other weaponry aren’t?
Deadpool: You gotta keep abreast of whatever people are gonna throw at you in this line of work, Teri.
Cap (N): Yet another Venus and Mars moment.
(Panel 5. Firelasher pushes some buttons.)
Firelasher: Look at all these bookmarked sites... half of them are weaponry and violence, the other half are porno sites! And they’re all yours!
Deadpool: So what’s your point?
(Panel 6. Firelasher pushes Deadpool to one side as she types something in.)
Firelasher: We pay good money to keep this thing going every month... it’s about time you let me do what I want on it for once.
(Page 5, panel 1. Firelasher pulls up murder.com.)
Deadpool: Murder.com? Sounds like a cool site...
(Panel 2. Deadpool reads the site.)
Deadpool: A needlepoint site!?!? What a waste of a cool domain name!!!
Firelasher: Ah, needlepoint... it’s been awhile since I did any of that...
Cap (N): Deadpool does not lie, true believers... murder.com does lead to an embroidery site.
(Panel 3. Deadpool turns away from the computer.)
Deadpool: Man, I haven’t been so disappointed in a site since rage.com.
Firelasher: All right, I’ll change the site then.
(Panel 4. Firelasher types something else into the computer.)
Firelasher: Let’s get into something else.
(Panel 5. They pull up the Stretch Princess site.)
Firelasher: Ah, Stretchprincess.com...
Deadpool: Oh yea... say, check out the blonde babe...
(Panel 6. Firelasher is not amused.)
Firelasher (Coldly): Wade...
Deadpool: Oh, sorry.
(Page 6, panel 1. The speakers fill with music.)
Firelasher: Ah... great song.
(Panel 2. Go back to Thunderweasel, Kirsten, and Ben Nevis.)
Thunderweasel: My, aren’t you a big one... look, we’ve been sent here to get you to stop terrorizing the people here.
Ben Nevis: People!? BAH!!! I hate people!!
(Panel 3. Ben Nevis strikes Thunderweasel, knocking him down.)
Kirsten: So much for the diplomatic approach.
SFX: WHAM!!!
(Panel 4. Thunderweasel uses his mace to block Ben Nevis’ blow.)
Thunderweasel: Dear, how about a little help here?
Kirsten: Hold on, I’m charging up.
(Panel 5. Kirsten discharges electricity from her hands, striking Ben Nevis.)
SFX: CRACKLE!!
Ben Nevis: UHN!!
(Page 7, panel 1. Go back to Deadpool and Firelasher. Deadpool is at wits end, pleading with Firelasher. We see Deadpool’s face only.)
Deadpool: TERI!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
(Panel 2. Pull back to see Firelasher still at the computer terminal, viewing web sites.)
Firelasher: Oh, come on, Wade. This site isn’t that bad.
Deadpool: 101 ways to roast a Cornish Hen? Oh, the humanity!
(Panel 3. Firelasher pulls up another web site.)
Firelasher: Here’s one I thought you would enjoy... Typhoid Mary’s homepage.
(Panel 4. We see an animated .gif on the screen of Typhoid Mary hitting a man in the chest with a machete.)
Deadpool:(1) You sadist.
Deadpool:(2) I’m glad you’re not this painful in bed.
Firelasher: (relishing this) Well, she’s off to a good start there...
(Page 8, panel 1. Razorfist enters the place, blades drawn> He knocks Firelasher over.)
SFX: POW!!!
Deadpool: What the --!?
(Panel 2. Deadpool and Razorfist come face-to-face.)
Razorfist: DIE, DEADPOOL!
Deadpool: No thanks, I’ve done it before and it wasn’t fun.
(Panel 2. Deadpool gives Razorfist a blow to the stomach, while Razorfist slashes Deadpool’s uniform.)
Deadpool: Sorry, I only die on alternate Thursdays in months starting with the letter X.
SFX:WHOK!
(Panel 3. Deadpool digs through a closet.)
Deadpool: Swords... swords... they’re never around when you need them..
(Panel 4. Razorfist slashes, managing to tear Deadpool’s uniform some more.)
Deadpool: (Turns,1) Hey! Enough with the tearing the uniform!
Deadpool: (2) Uniforms don’t grow on tress, you know.
(Panel 4. Deadpool pulls out his swords in time to catch Razorfist’s blows.)
SFX:CLANG!
Deadpool Speaking of death, I heard that Wolverine gutted you a year or two ago.*
Cap (N): *Marvel Comics Presents #9.
(Panel 5. They continue their two-sworded fight.)
Razorfist: I got better!
SFX: CLANG!!
(Page 9, panel 1. Deadpool gets his swords knocked out of his hands.)
Deadpool Uh-oh.
(Panel 2. Razorfist stands over Deadpool, ready to strike.)
Razorfist: Any last words, Deadpool?
Deadpool (1): Just one question here...
Deadpool (2): How do you get dressed in the morning with blades instead of hands?
Deadpool (3): Seems to me you’d shred you clothing before you could get it on.
(Panel 3. Deadpool makes a two-feet kick, striking Razorfist in the chin.)
Deadpool: Then again, you shouldn’t count me out until I’m really dead.
SFX: POW!!!
(Panel 4. Deadpool recovers his swords as Razorfist reels.)
Deadpool: Now, let’s end this quickly, shall we?
(Page 10, full panel page. Deadpool slashes Razorfist’s blades off, but do not inflict an injury on Razorfist.)
Deadpool: Now check that out. That’s surgical precision!
SFX: SLICE!
(Page 11, panel 1. Razorfist looks over his severed limbs.)
Razorfist: NO! I can’t go on without my blades!
(Panel 2. Deadpool holds up his swords at Razorfist.)
Deadpool: I got your blades right here, pal... now what should I do with you?
(Panel 3. Firelasher comes from the background, applauding.)
Firelasher: Bravo, Deadpool.
SFX: Clap clap clap clap clap clap.
Deadpool: You know Firelasher, you could have helped me out here.
(Panel 4. Firelasher smiles.)
Firelasher: I knew you could take him, Wade. He’s kinda lame, you have to admit.
(Panel 5. Deadpool grimaces at Firelasher.)
Deadpool: Damnit woman, if I didn’t love you, I’d hate you.
Firelasher: Well, I guess that’s what makes you and I us.
(Page 12, panel 1. Razorfist tries to get away, but Deadpool stops him.)
Deadpool: Ah-na-na, you shouldn’t leave the party before it’s over.
(Panel 2. We see Deadpool tie up Razorfist.)
Deadpool: Well, I’m sure there are quite a few people who would pay a hefty price for your head on a platter...but nobody’s going to pay more than the cops.
(Panel 3. Firelasher grimaces.)
Firelasher: In case you’ve forgotten, you too are wanted by authorities.
Deadpool: True, but...
(Panel 4. Deadpool turns on his holographic projector, making himself look like Mr. Clean.)
Deadpool: Who could resist Mr. Clean, hm?
(Page 13, panel 1. Go back to Thunderweasel, Kirsten, and Ben Nevis. We see Thunderweasel strike Ben Nevis with a magical blast from one side, while Kirsten strikes Ben Nevis from the other side with an electrical blast.)
Cap (N): And in Scotland, Ben Nevis falls...
SFX: CRACKLE!! POW!!
Ben Nevis: AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
(Panel 2. Ben Nevis falls, dead.)
Kirsten What a waste.
Thunderweasel: I wish we didn’t have to kill him.
(Panel 3. W e see some of the locals come out.)
Man: Ye... ye killed Ben Nevis!
Woman: He’s... dead?
Kirsten: We were left with no alternative.
(Panel 4. The man slaps Kirsten on the back.)
Man By gum, ye did the world a favor! Come on, lassie, let’s get ye ta the pub fer some whisky.
Kirsten: Huh?
(Panel 5. Thunderweasel swings his mace.)
Thunderweasel: Sorry, but we’ve got to be going.
(Page 14, panel 1. Thunderweasel flies off, picking up Kirsten.)
Kirsten: JACK!?
(Panel 2. Go back to Deadpool and Firelasher. We see them walking out of the police station with a check in hand.)
Cap (N1): And back in San Francisco...
Cap (N2): Someone cashed in on a $2 million reward for Razorfist.
Deadpool: Ah, money. Something I think we can could use at one time or another.
Firelasher: Yea... I’m in serious need of a wardrobe overhaul.
(Panel 3. Firelasher takes the check away from Deadpool, and puts it down her blouse.)
SFX:Grab!
Deadpool: HEY!!
(Panel 4. Deadpool puts his arms around Firelasher.)
Deadpool: Don’t make me have to go get that check.
Firelasher: (Smiles sinisterly) Just try it, Wade.
(Panel 5. Deadpool and Firelasher teleport out. Page 15, panel 1. Deadhut. Deadpool and Firelasher teleport in.)
Deadpool: Alright, you leave me no alternative....
(Panel 2. Deadpool puts Firelasher on his shoulder, taking her upstairs.)
Firelasher: You’re incouragable, Wade.
Deadpool: But I’m you’re incouragable man.
Cap (N): Well, while things go on here, let’s check out Thunderweasel and Kirsten, hm?
(Panel 3. Go back to Thunderweasel and Kirsten. We see them beneath the sheets, in bed next to each other.)
Cap (N) And a considerable amount of time later...
Kirsten: Mmm... alright, I’m glad I did this.
Thunderweasel: And to think I was voted “Least likely to bag a babe” in high school.
(Panel 4. They hold each other close, while continuing to lie on their backs.)
Kirsten: Alright, you are good in bed, Jack.
Thunderweasel: Well, stick with me, and we’ll have love like that forever.
(Panel 5. Kirsten smiles.)
Kirsten: I’m going to hold you to that, Jack.
Thunderweasel: Just like I’m going to hold you next to me.
(Page 16, panel 1. They kiss. Panel 2. We see Deadpool and Firelasher kissing as well.)
Cap (N1): And so they are happy.
Cap (N2): Whether they remain that way,
Cap (N3): Remains to be seen.
