The dreaded disclaimer...(Scene: Deadhut, specifically the living room. We see Deadpool there,
sitting in front of the television.)
Deadpool: Hi there, true believers! Your ever-lovin' merc with a mouth,
Deadpool here! Today we've got a special treat for you, as we get to do
something I've been wanting to do for a long time.
(Panel 2. Deadpool turns on the television with a remote. The TV reads "Rate the Babes" on it.)
Deadpool: Rate the babes! That's right, this is where I get to show you the
women in my life, and rate them as I see fit. We'll rate on a scale of one
to ten, with one being the worst and ten being the best.
(Panel 3. The screen shows Big Bertha in her big form.)
Deadpool: Here we have that woman in the Great Lakes Aven- er, Lightning Rods,
Big Bertha. EEEUUUUU!!!! You've got to be kidding me on this one.
That big form is horrific at best. A complete 1.
(Panel 4. We see Blind Al on the screen.)
Deadpool: Here's that geriatric woman, Blind Al. She makes being passive-
agressive a fine art. Sure, when some of these other women are in their
70's like Al they'll look like them, but right now I'm not turned on by the
smell of Ben-gay. A 1.
(Page 2, panel 1. The screen shows Silver Sable.)
Deadpool: Here we have that babe for hire, Silver Sable. She'd be great if
she'd just loosen up once in awhile - I guess her marriage to the Foringer
really took a toll on her. And him taking those nude photos of her* must
have hurt too. Until she loosens up, a 5. When she does, a 9.
Caption: *Silver Sable and the Wild Pack #15-16.
(Panel 2. The screen shows Amy Chen (from Silver Sable and the Wild Pack.))
Deadpool: Why is it some of the hottest of babes only like women? Chen here is
totally hot, but she "putts from the rough" as one golfer put it. I'd rate
her much higher if I thought I had a shot with her. A 5.
(Panel 3. The screen shows Typhoid Mary.)
Deadpool: Here's another babe that really cheeses me off - Typhoid Mary. She
still owes me some money for springing her.* On the plus side, she knows
how to party. On the down side, she's even more psychotic than I am (And that's
saying a lot.)And wasn't she cured of her multiple personalities in her limited
series?** I'll give her a 2.
Caption 1: * Deadpool #6.
Caption 2: ** He does not lie - check out Typhoid #4 for this.
(Panel 4. The screen shows Vanessa/Copycat.)
Deadpool: Ah, dear, dear Vanessa. . . I think the colorist was on drugs when he
colored you in. We've had some good times, and some bad times together.
But what you ever saw in Kane still mystifes me. A 7.
(Page 3, panel 1. We see Zoe the Expediter on the screen.)
Deadpool: Now we have my boss at Landeau, Luckman, and Lake, Zoe the Expediter.
she's got a great bod, and I can see how Weasel would fall head over heels
for her. Well, office romances are usually fatal. . . an 8.
(Panel 2. We see the Vamp on the screen.)
Deadpool: Holy crying game! It's the Vamp/Animus! She's hot, but what if we
were in the middle of love and she changed to him? I shudder to think what
would happen. A 1.
(Panel 3. We see Misty Knight on the screen.)
Deadpool: Now we have Misty Knight. She's a bodacious Black - er, African-
American babe. What she sees in Iron Fist, I don't know. After all, he
wears those tacky yellow slippers. A 7.
(Panel 4. We see Colleen Wing on the screen.)
Deadpool: Here we have Colleen Wing - Iron Fist's ex-love. She's almost as good
with a sword as I am. Well, she's real intense - a 6.
(Panel 5. We see Domino on the screen.)
Deadpool: Now we turn to X-Force, and Cable's main squeeze, Domino. Frankly, he
can have her. True, she's got a bod men would kill for, but she'd be likely
to kill you first before you could touch. I've never, ever seen her smile -
and that's an automatic one point deduction. A 6.
(Panel 6. We see Moonstar on the screen.)
Deadpool: Now we turn to that wonderful place, X-Force. Here we have their
Native American (I'm trying to become more polically correct now)babe, Psyche -
er, Mirage - no, wait. It's Moonstar. I get confused sometimes. Well, she's
hot, but like Silver Sable, she won't cut loose once in awhile. Until she
learns how to relax more, a 7.
(Page 4, panel 1. The screen shows Meltdown on it.)
Deadpool: Here we have that shade wearing, explosive babe, Time bomb - er, Boom
Boom- uh, Boomer - no, wait. What is it now anyway? She's changed her name
more often than most people change clothing.
(Panel 2. Blind Al sticks her head in the frame.)
Al: It's Meltdown, Wade. Deadpool (1): Thanks, Al. Deadpool (2): Well, as I was saying, Meltdown here can relax and party hearty
if she wants -but right now, she's got two guys fighting over her, Sunspot
and Cannonball. I don't want to have to fight either one of them for her. An 8.
(Panel 3. We see Karma there.)
Deadpool: Here we have Karma - what's up with that haircut? It's even worse than Wolverine's
haircut. On the plus side, she's hot, but she's even more obsessive
than Moonstar is. Until she gets a better hair stylist, a 5.
(Panel 4. We see Siryn there.)
Deadpool: I saved the best team member for last. Here we have that bonnie Irish lass,
Siryn. I always had a thing for redheads, and Terry's Irish brogue is very
endearing. Say, have you noticed that most groups have or had at one time
or another a redheaded woman? The X-Men have Phoenix IV, X-Force has Terry,
X-Factor has Mystique, Excalibur had Phoenix III, The Avengers had Hellcat,
Silver Sable's got Chen, The Fantastic Four had Medusa for awhile - well, I
could go on forever. Let's get back to Terry. I can't help but want her -
And she's fooling herself by thinking that the Indian - er, Native
American could make her dreams come true. I'll be waiting for you, Terry.
That is, unless some other really hot redhead picks me up first. A 10.
(Page 5, Panel 1. We see the television turned off.)
Deadpool: Well, that's it for now. I'll update this periodiclly. (Panel 2. We see Motormouth there.)
Deadpool: Now here we have Motormouth, that British babe. The accent is endearing, but she
swears worse than I do. An 8.
(Panel 3. We see the She-Hulk there.)
Deadpool: Here's a big green babe- the She-Hulk. She can really party hearty when she wants
to. Problem is, she doesn't want to around me. A 9.
(Panel 4. We see the White Queen there.)
Deadpool: Now we have the White Queen, or as I like to call her, the Ice Queen. She's colder
than the bottom of a freezer in the artic. On the plus side, I wish more babes had her taste in
sleepwear. Until she thaws out, a 7.
(Panel 5. We see the other female members of Generation X there.) Deadpool: I'm gonna skip the rest of Generation X - I don't want to be known as a pedophile.
(Page 6, panel 1. The TV is off, and Firelasher is in the room.)
Deadpool: Now, here's the hottest of the hot babes - literally, and in the flesh. The one love
of my life, Firelasher. This is one babe I hope to keep with me for a long time. A 10.Firelasher: What are you doing, Wade?
(Panel 2. Deadpool faces Firelasher.)
Deadpool: Oh - just letting the readers know what I think about some of the people I have met.
Firelasher: So why were they all female, and why did you refer to them as babes?(Panel 3. Deadpool takes Firelasher's hands.)
Deadpool: Come on, Teri. You know they don't even come close to what you mean to me.
Firelasher: *SIGH*. . . Sometimes, you make me so mad. . . . (Panel 4. Deadpool embraces Firelasher, and kisses her. He raises his mask slightly, revealing
his mouth.)
Deadpool: I'm mad about you too, Teri.
Firelasher: UMPH!(Panel 5. Firelasher embraces Deadpool as they continue to kiss. Panel 6. They part lips.)
Firelasher: All right, Wade. I'll forgive you this time. . . but don't think of trying this again.Deadpool: Hey, not kissing you would take the fun out of everything.
(Panel 7. They kiss again.)
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