Deadpool
"Something's Squirrely here"
(Front cover. We see Deadpool facing Squirrel Girl. Both are in their uniforms.)
Squirrel: I'm your new partner, Deadpool!
Deadpool: You're kidding, right?
(Inside front cover. We see the usual blurbs for Deadpool, Overboss Dixon, Montgomery, Zoe the Expediter, and then the following:)
Squirrel Girl: One of the lamest heroines ever created by Marvel, SG has a squirrel's tail and the power to communicate with Squirrels.
Doctor Dotcom: One of the lamest villains I've created, Doctor Dotcom has the Internet wired directly to his brain, and thus possesses the vast knowledge stored there. He also employs several weapons to help him achieve his desire for world domination.
(Page 1, panel 1. The offices of Landeau, Luckman, and Lake. We see Deadpool there, surrounded by Overboss Dixon, Monty, and Zoe the Expediter. All wear their uniforms.)
Deadpool: You've got to be kidding me!
Dixon: We do not joke when it comes to matters like this, Wilson.
(Panel 2. Deadpool walks away.)
Deadpool (1): That's it, I'm out of here. You guys are even more psycho than I am.
Deadpool (2): And coming from me, that says a lot.
(Panel 3. Deadpool teleports out.)
Dixon: Wilson, wait!
(Panel 4. Dixon faces Zoe and Monty.)
Dixon: I am not pleased with you.
Voice (from off panel): And neither am I, Dixon.
(Panel 5. They turn to see a voice coming from a speaker.)
Dixon (1): Ms. Luckman!
Luckman (from the speaker): Listen Dixon, I asked you to secure those holdings on Gavedra nine. You couldn't have possibly done so in the time given.
Dixon (Nervous to the point of sweating buckets, 2): Erm, well, I had delegated the project to Thorberg ...
(Panel 6. Luckman is angry.)
Luckman: Dixon! You know that legally speaking, it must be a third level manager or higher they talk to before they will do anything! Get your @$$ down to Gavedra nine, now!!! And when you come back, I'll discuss the matter of your continued employment.
Dixon: Yes, Ms. Luckman.
(Page 2, panel 1. Go back to Deadpool. We see him teleport into a sleazy bar in San Francisco.)
Cap (N1): The bar of No Remorse, on the shady side of San Francisco.
Cap (N2): One of Deadpool's favorite watering holes.
Cap (N3): Here he's going to meet two people.
Cap (N4): You pretty much know who they are.
(Panel 2. Deadpool activates a hologram of himself before his trip to Weapon X.)
Deadpool: Rasa frackin' blankety-blank.
Barkeep: Bad day, eh Wade?
(Panel 3. The barkeep pours a shot of alcohol for Deadpool.)
Deadpool: Very bad. Leave the bottle, will ya?
Barkeep: That's bad.
(Panel 4. Deadpool drinks the shot.)
Deadpool (1): I can't really swallow all of this "you're going to lead the world into the next millennium crap, you know? It's like I'm supposed to be some kind of hero, right?
Barkeep (1): You... a hero?
Barkeep (2): Man, Marvel is really putting out some bad plot lines now.
Deadpool (2): And with that millenium bug, I'm not too sure I want to be the leader in the New World Order.
(Panel 5. Deadpool continues to drink.)
Deadpool: Tell me about it.
(Panel 6. Suddenly the bottle Deadpool was drinking from shatters in his hand.)
Deadpool : What the --!?
(Page 3, splash page. Leave room for credits here. Deadpool turns to see Doctor Dotcom there, wielding two ak-47 rifles.)
Dotcom (1): Fall! Fall before he who is destined to become the greatest super-villain of all time!
Dotcom (2): Fall before the fury of Doctor Dotcom!!*
Deadpool: You've got to be kidding me, right?
Cap (N): * Excerpted from the "Super-Villain Dialogue Handbook."
(Page 4, panel 1. Doctor Dotcom opens fire, and everyone in the bar dives out of the way.)
Dotcom: This place is just the beginning. Soon, I will take over the world!!
SFX: Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!
(Panel 2. Focus on Deadpool's face as he removes the hologram of his pre-weapon X appearance. His mouth is uncovered.)
Deadpool (1): You could have chosen City Hall, which is nearby, or a military installation, or some other important government building. But did you? Neeeoooohh, you had to pick my favorite waterin' hole to demolish first, didn't you?
Deadpool (2): Not exactly a rocket scientist, are you?
(Panel 3. Doctor Dotcom is angered as Deadpool lowers his mask.)
Dotcom: I am more powerful than you could ever imagine! I have access to the internet straight to my brain, and I can know anything instantaneously!
(Panel 4. Deadpool draws his swords.)
Deadpool: And with all that power, you had to attack this place.
Dotcom: Well, I had to start somewhere as a test.
(Panel 5. Dotcom fires his guns.)
Dotcom: Like the guns? I got them from Josef Sergej.
Deadpool: Sergej?!
SFX: Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!
(Panel 6. Focus on Deadpool's face.)
Deadpool (1): You got to be kidding me.
Deadpool (2): You'd buy arms from someone who looks like a used car salesman?
Deadpool (3): You would have been better off at Achmed's discount house of terrorism.
Deadpool (4): Or even Weasel's house of arms.
(Page 5, panel 1. Deadpool jumps Doctor Dotcom, dodging bullets as he goes.)
Dotcom: Ha! These guns are AK-47's! The finest machine guns the Russians ever made!
Deadpool: Maybe, but then again...
SFX: Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!
(Panel 2. Deadpool strikes Doctor Dotcom with a diving kick. Dotcom stops firing his guns.)
Deadpool: a gun is only as good as the person who wields it.
SFX: POW!!
(Panel 3. We see Doctor Dotcom recover.)
Dotcom: I have more where that came from, merc!
(Panel 4. Doctor Dotcom pulls out a mask and a gas grenade.)
Dotcom: Take a whiff of this!
(Page 6, panel 1. Doctor Dotcom pulls the pin and puts on the mask.)
SFX: HISS!!
Dotcom: I got this one from Juan's Casa de Gases!
(Panel 2. The room is engulfed in a gas.)
Deadpool (1): Nice try, Dotdodo.
Deadpool (2): But I have filters in this mask.
Deadpool (3): You never can tell when someone's gonna gas you.
(Panel 3. Doctor Dotcom strikes Deadpool, knocking him down.)
Dotcom: Well, then I'll take you out this way!
(Panel 4. Doctor Dotcom exits the place, leaving a live grenade.)
Dotcom: So long, sucker! I have won!
(Panel 5. The place explodes.)
SFX: BOOM!!
(Page 7, panel 1. Deadpool emerges from some rubble.)
Deadpool (1): All right, that did it.
Deadpool (2): It's bad enough my favorite watering hole in New York got trashed.*
Deadpool (3): Now that leaves only that bar in Amarillo I like.
Deadpool (4): And if you go trashing it, I'm gonna trash you.
Cap (N): * Sins of the past #1.
(Panel 2. Deadpool comes out of the rubble to see his arm is broken.)
Deadpool (1): Hmm...
Deadpool (2): I was wondering why I couldn't feel my arm.
(Panel 3. Deadpool resets his arm.)
SFX: SKLURCH!
Deadpool: UHN!
(Panel 4. Deadpool goes out to the street.)
Deadpool: Got away.
(Page 8, panel 1. A park in San Francisco. We see Squirrel Girl there, talking to some of the squirrels. SG wears a long skirt and a blouse.)
Cap (N1): About two miles away.
Cap (N2): She is only known as Squirrel Girl.
Cap (N3): She's having a conversation with the locals.
Girl: You don't say.
(Panel 2. Squirrel Girl continues to talk with the Squirrels.)
Girl: Chee chep chir chee chup.
(Panel 3. The squirrels talk back.)
Squirrel: Chehr Chiep chee chee.
Girl: Thanks!
(Panel 4. Squirrel Girl faces a policeman.)
Girl: He says he saw the whole thing, officer. The man you're looking for is called Deadleg Don.
Officer: Him again, hm? Well, we'll get on it, Squirrel Girl.
(Page 9, panel 1. The policeman smiles.)
Policeman: Thank you, Squirrel Girl.
Squirrel: Anytime, officer.
Policeman's thoughts: (Freakin' mutie.)
(Panel 2. Exit the policeman.)
Squirrel: Chee chep cha che cheep.
Girl: You don't say.
(Panel 3. Enter Doctor Dotcom, relaxing.)
Dotcom: Got away. Now, for a real test.
(Panel 4. Squirrel Girl approaches Doctor Dotcom.)
Girl: Who are you?
Dotcom: I am the soon-to-be ruler of the world, I am Doctor Dotcom!
(Panel 5. Squirrel Girl tries in vain to control her laughter.)
Girl: Doctor ... Dotcom? Snorkt!
Dotcom: Have you taken a good look at yourself lately?
(Page 10, panel 1. Dotcom pulls out his AK-47.)
Dotcom: You won't be laughing when I fill you full of holes!!
(Panel 2. Dotcom fires his guns. Squirrel Girl easily dodges the fire.)
SFX: Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!
Dotcom: Stand still!!
(Panel 3. Squirrel Girl cartwheels into Doctor Dotcom.)
SFX: WHAM!!
Dotcom: UHN!
(Panel 4. Squirrel Girl strikes Doctor Dotcom with her tail.)
SFX: SMACK!
(Page 11, panel 1. Enter Deadpool.)
Deadpool: What's going on here?
(Panel 2. Deadpool draws his katanas.)
Deadpool: You again ... Dotcom.
(Panel 3. Doctor Dotcom knocks Squirrel Girl down.)
SFX: POW!!
Girl: UHN!!
(Panel 4. Deadpool charges Doctor Dotcom.)
Deadpool: Mind if I cut in?
SFX: WHAM!!
(Panel 5. Dotcom stands.)
Dotcom: Ah-ha! I've found the site that will tell me how to defeat you once and for all, Deadpool!
(Panel 6. Dotcom is crestfallen.)
Dotcom (1): Oh %&*#.
Dotcom (2): This is a horrible time for my server to kick me off.
Dotcom (3): I knew I shouldn't have chosen AOL.
Dotcom (4): Now I can't get reconnected.
(Page 12, panel 1. Deadpool is close to Doctor Dotcom as Squirrel Girl recovers.)
Deadpool (1): I've got Texas.net myself.
Deadpool (2): Well, hopefully next time, you'll be a little smarter.
(Panel 2. Deadpool gives Doctor Dotcom a sucker punch with the hilt of his (DP's) sword.)
SFX: POW!!
Deadpool: Do the world a favor, don't come back.
(Panel 3. Doctor Dotcom goes down as Squirrel Girl approaches Deadpool.)
Girl: Hey, I know you, you're Deadpool!
Deadpool (1): Yea, yea.
Deadpool (2): But I don't give autographs.
(Panel 4. Squirrel Girl is face to face with Deadpool.)
Girl: Say, aren't you wanted for several crimes?
Deadpool (1): That's the other Deadpool.
Deadpool (2): We often get confused.
(Page 13, panel 1. Squirrel Girl folds her arms across her chest.)
Girl: Uh-huh. Cherp chee cher chea chep.
(Panel 2. A bunch of squirrels jump on Deadpool.)
Deadpool: What the --!? Get them off me!
Girl: Surrender!
(Panel 3. Deadpool tries in vain to get the squirrels off of him.)
Deadpool: I'm gonna turn these critters into a fur coat!!
Squirrel: Hey! Those are my friends!
(Panel 4. Squirrel Girl strikes Deadpool, sending him back.)
SFX: WHAP!
(Panel 5. Deadpool draws his sword.)
Deadpool: All right, you got me mad now.
(Page 14, panel 1. Deadpool slashes Squirrel girl.)
SFX: SLASH!!
Squirrel: UHN!!
(Panel 2. Deadpool manages to get some of the squirrels off of him.)
Deadpool (1): Ajax, T-Ray, and the Taskmaster couldn't do this.
Deadpool (2): How humiliating.
(Panel 3. Deadpool spots a fountain. A light blub goes off over his head.)
Cap (D): Ah-Ha!
(Panel 4. Deadpool rushes toward the fountain.)
Deadpool: Belly flop!!
(Panel 5. Deadpool dives into the fountain.)
SFX: SPLOOSH!
(Page 15, panel 1. The squirrels get off Deadpool.)
Deadpool: Get off me, you refugees from a coat factory!
(Panel 2. He emerges from the water.)
Deadpool: Now, time to go home.
(Panel 3. Deadpool teleports out.)
Deadpool: So long, screwy! See you in St. Louie!
(Panel 4. Squirrel Girl rushes toward the spot where Deadpool vanished.)
Squirrel: Darn!
(Page 16, panel 1. Deadhut. We see Deadpool teleport in. We see Deadpool's uniform is torn in non-private places.)
Deadpool: God, that was awful.
(Panel 2. He goes into the living room to find Doctor Dotcom there, wielding the AK-47's.)
Dotcom: You are the only one standing in between me and world domination, Deadpool! Die!!
(Panel 3. Focus on Deadpool's face, as he narrows his eyes.)
Deadpool: I had one good nerve left... until you got on it.
Dotcom: Die, Deadfool!!
(Panel 4. Dotcom fires his AK-47's as Deadpool dives for cover.)
Deadpool: You're really not helping things, you know.
SFX: Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!
(Page 17, panel 1. Deadpool pulls out his own gun, and fires.)
SFX (1): Blam! Blam!
SFX (2): Rat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat-tat!
(Panel 2. Doctor Dotcom's AK-47's jam.)
SFX: Click! Click!
Dotcom: #$%@ it's jammed.
(Panel 3. Deadpool advances on Doctor Dotcom.)
Deadpool: Aw, did widdle Deadpool hurt the mean ol' man's guns?
(Panel 4. Deadpool gives Doctor Dotcom a left hook, sending Dotcom out of panel.)
SFX: WHAM!!!
Deadpool: Good.
(Panel 5. Doctor Dotcom is down.)
Deadpool: I wonder if there's a reward for you. Well, I'll find out soon enough.
(Page 18, panel 1. Deadpool activates his holographic projector, surrounding himself in a purple light.)
Deadpool: Let's go find out.
(Panel 2. A police station. We see Deadpool in a hologram of a bald man with a goatee wearing a polo shirt and slacks. He talks to a policeman in uniform behind a desk.)
Policeman: So he's behind the bar of no remorse's demise, hm? I think we should give him a medal for that.
Deadpool: But officer, he destroyed property, hurt other people. Surely there's a reward for him.
(Panel 3. The policeman looks Deadpool over.)
Policeman: Sorry, the crime's too new to have a reward on it yet. But thanks for bringing him in.
(Panel 4. Deadpool walks away, disconsolate.)
Deadpool: Thanks, guys.
(Page 19, panel 1. Deadpool walks to where Squirrel girl is.)
Deadpool: This was a complete waste of time.
Squirrel: That voice! That's Deadpool!
(Panel 2. Several squirrels attack Deadpool, along with Squirrel Girl.)
Squirrel: We're bringing you in, Deadpool! SFX: SLASH!! (Panel 3. Deadpool removes his hologram, and draws his katanas.)
Deadpool: All right, that did it.
(Panel 4. Deadpool slashes Squirrel Girl's face and stomach.)
SFX: SLASH!! Deadpool: I've had it with these lame-os!
(Page 20, panel 1. Deadpool teleports out. Panel 2. He teleports into the apartment of Quamp. Looking the place over, Deadpool grimaces.)
Deadpool: QUAMP!!! I'M COMING FOR YOU, MISTER!!!
(Panel 2. Deadpool breaks the door down to see Quamp at his computer, typing.)
Quamp: Uh-oh.
Deadpool: YOU!!! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!!
(Panel 3. Deadpool hoists Quamp up by his neck, choking him.)
Quamp: Glack!
Deadpool: Any last words before I kill you!?
(Panel 4. Quamp gestures to the computer screen.)
Quamp: ris har tal*...
Cap (N): * I'm trying to say "It's hard to talk when someone's choking you to death, but I can't quite get the words out... because someone's choking me to death. (Naturally.)
(Panel 5. Deadpool looks over the computer screen.)
Deadpool: What is this?
(Page 21, panel 1. Deadpool reads the computer screen.)
Deadpool (1): Panels 3,4, and 5. Deadpool kisses Firelasher.
Deadpool (2): Who's Firelasher?
(Panel 2. Deadpool drops Quamp.)
SFX: WHUMP!
(Panel 3. Quamp stands up, gasping for breath.)
Quamp: She's *Gasp* going to be *Wheeze* your new girlfriend.
Deadpool: Knowing you, she probably looks like the creature from the black sewer lines.
(Panel 4. Quamp takes out a picture of Firelasher.)
Quamp: No, no. Take a look.
Deadpool (1): Hmmm...
Deadpool (2): How did you know I had a thing for redheads?
(Panel 5. Quamp smiles slightly.)
Quamp: Because I'm the one writing this. You've persisted on Siryn when you've given up on other women.
(Page 22, panel 1. Quamp leads Deadpool out.)
Quamp: Go back in and I'll show you the future.
Deadpool: This had better not be some kind of a trick.
(Panel 2. Quamp pushes Deadpool into the Deadhut, where we see Firelasher waiting for him.)
Cap (N1): Four years after this story takes place.
Cap (N2): Deadpool sees Firelasher.
Deadpool: Hey, what is this!? She's got scars all over her!
(Panel 3. Firelasher embraces Deadpool.)
Firelasher: Welcome home, Wade. I'm glad you've come back.
(Panel 4. Firelasher kisses Deadpool, raising his mask slightly.)
Deadpool: Mmmm....
Quamp: Like Clayton Williams said, just lie back and enjoy it, Wade.
(Page 23, panel 1. The next morning. We see Deadpool and Firelasher in bed, lying next to each other. Both of them are beneath the sheets, smiling. Both of them have an arm around each other. Enter Quamp.)
Quamp: Wake up, Wade.
(Panel 2. Deadpool wakes up.)
Deadpool (99% asleep): No ma, today's a school holiday...
Quamp: I'm sorry I have to do this to you, Wade.
(Panel 3. Firelasher vanishes.)
Deadpool (snapping awake): Huh? Hey, what happened?
Quamp: Sorry, but for you to win her over, you've got to do it right. Now, I have to mindwipe you.
(Panel 4. Deadpool jumps out of bed.)
Deadpool: Mindwipe me!? I just had the best sex I've ever had, and you have to erase it from my memory!?
Quamp: Don't worry, you'll have thousands of nights like that, Wade.
(Panel 5. Quamp psi-wipes Deadpool, who clutches his head.)
Quamp: Relax, you'll meet her in the next story.
Deadpool: UHN!!