<fade in>

"Have you ever known a man who was so wrapped up in himself, so full of his
own ego that he can't be satisfied with having one woman?"

<loud booing>

"A man that flaunts this fact to the world and refuses to settle on only
one woman?"

<louder booing intermixed with the occasional, "You go girl.">

"A man who also feels that he is the most powerful man on earth?"

<louder booing with more impassioned comments>

"A man, who has the audacity to also feel that he is the saviour of all men
and woman, and as such, is beyond reproach?"

<insane booing>

"That's what we have here in the studio on today's program."

<loud cheering>

"So stick around while we confront, 'Men Who Can't Pick One Woman Who Also
Feel That They Are The Saviour of All Humankind' on the Rikki Lake Show."

<cue credits...more loud cheering...insane applause...wooping...waving of
arms>

"Hi, I'm Rikki Lake."

<loud cheering>

"With me here today is Rand al'Thor."

<booing and general derogatory response>

"Mr. al'Thor is currently embroiled in an ongoing struggle against forces
of evil and we commend him for this fact.  Is that about right, sir?"

"Yes."

<minor booing...Rikki turns to look at the people who booed with a glare of
disdain>

"But you feel you are more than that, do you not, sir?"

"More?  Yes.  I would say that fact has been firmly established."

<minor booing>

"How was it established, as you say?"

"Well...I was born on the slopes of Dragonmount...and I can wield unheard
of power...I have the dragon marks on my arms...I have fulfilled all the
prophecies pertaining to the dragon reborn..."

<more intense booing>

"Yes, yes...we're quite sure you _believe_ this to be the case.  But tell
us, all this stuff with dragons...isn't this a tad macho?"

<loud booing>

"Macho?  What are you talking about?  I'm the bloody Dragon Reborn.  I
didn't ask for this.  I just am."

<derogatory comments abound and waving of fists and booing>

"Yes.  It seems that you are very full of your self, now aren't you?  And
what of your personal life?  Do you have a significant other?"

"I don't understand...full of myself?  What do you mean by that?  You try
my patience...I don't need this _now_.  I have important matters to attend
to."

<loud booing>

"Don't try to sidestep the question...do you have a special...person in
your life, yes or no?"

"Yes.  You know I do."

"But not just one...isn't that correct?"

<booing and waving of arms>

"Isn't that correct, sir?"

<louder booing>

"Yes.  I have _three_ women in my life."

<very loud jeering intermixed with the occasional wolf whistles>

"Three.  Why stop at three?  Why not five...or ten...or twenty?"

<laughter and more wolf whistles>

"This is ridiculous.  I did not _choose_ to have three women.  It...it just
worked out that way."

<loud booing>

"It.  Just.  Worked. Out.  That. Way.  And did it also just work out that
you consider yourself the supreme and most powerful man on the planet?!"

<very lound booing and jeering and utter chaos insues>

"No...er, um, yes.  I mean, yes, I _am_ that man.  I can do things that no
man can even dream of doing."

<very loud jeering and booing mixed in with wolf whistles and cheers and
smirks>

"Yes.  I'm sure you are the _best_"

<incredibly loud laughter and applause>

"What say you, audience...should we bring out his three women, would you
like to meet them?"

<loud acknowledgement and confirmation>

<from the side of the stage out come three stunningly beautiful women...one
is quite tall, one is a little older than the other two...and one is almost
regal in her presentation>

"Audience, I'd like you to join with me in greeting, Aviendha..."

<applause with only slight jeering>

"...Elayne..."

<more applause>

"...and last but not least, Min.  Welcome to the show, ladies."

<more applause>

"Thank you for having us," said Elayne.

"Yes...it is a...pleasure to be on your show," said Min.

"I see you, Rikki Lake," said Aviendha.

"Well, good...good.  I see you, too...miss Aviendha."

With a look of displeasure Aviendha replies, "No wetlander titles for me,
Rikki Lake, I am simply Aviendha."

"Okay, as you wish.  And I trust that you others don't mind if I simply
call you by your first names?"

<nods of agreement>

"Good.  Now, ladies...I guess what my audience is wondering right now
is...have each of you...er, uh...have each of you been intimate with Rand
al'Thor?"

Coloring slightly, Elayne replies, "No.  I have not yet had the...pleasure
of...relations...with my love.  But I assure you, that oversight will be
rectified at the first available opportunity."

<very loud jeering and whooping and waving of hands and the occasional wolf
whistle>

"So...you don't _mind_ that each of you will have sex with Rand?  You don't
mind sharing him with each other?"

<mocking response from crowd>

"Careful, wetlander," said Aviendha, "your tone is one of pious indignation
and contempt.  I do not like the way you phrase things."

<loud booing>

"Sorry if I offended you, Aviendha, that was not my intent.  I simply
wanted to ask how you feel about this...arrangement, is all."

"This 'arrangement' as you call it is totally out of our hands," said Min,
"ever since I first realized that three women would love Rand, and that I
was one of them, I have been guided by forces beyond my control."

"Guided?  You mean you feel that you are under control of some outside
agency trying to manipulate your life and you really don't want to be with
this man?"

"No," said Elayne, "that is not what she means.  We have all discussed this
and we each feel that our love for Rand is beyond logic and reason.  We
just do.  And if we must share him with other women to have him ourselves,
we accept that cost."

<loud jeering and waving of hands>

"Yes," said Aviendha, "and we each know and care for each other, as well.
These two are as sister-wives to me.  And I carry their honor with me,
always."

<very loud jeering and wolf whistles and waving of hands>

"You don't mean that you...share...each _other_ intimately as well as Rand,
do you?"

"This has gone far enough!" said Rand, "These wonderful women have tried to
explain to you what is happening here.  And all you want to do is make
snide comments and lude remarks about them.  I will not have it, you hear!
I care very deeply for _each_ of them. I won't have you saying bad things
about them or making fun of them in *any* way."

<very loud booing and general angry behaviour>

"That's all well and good, Rand, but we're here today to try to understand
why you have to have three women.  And why you feel that you are the most
powerful man on the planet.  And why these women are staying with you.  And
my audience can't find out anything unless we ask questions.  So...do these
women engage in sexual relations, as well?  After all...there _is_ only one
of you..."

<very loud jeering>

"...and three of them.  And no disrespect intended.  We just want to know."

<cheering and applause>

"Yes," said Elayne, "yes, on occasion, Aviendha and I, at least, have
shared...secrets...with each other."

<very wild jeering, cheering, and waving of arms>

With a look of astonishment on his face, Rand looks at Elayne and Aviendha
in turn and says, "What?!  You mean you...with each other...and you,
Aviendha, you won't even let _me_ touch you since that one time...I can't
be hearing this.  I can't...Blood and bloody ashes!  And you parade around
in front of me with no clothes on...taunting me...teasing me.  You have no
shame.  And you, Elayne, you are of royal blood.  And...you and I
kissed...and...you allow _her_ to...what *I* haven't even done yet.  I can
not believe this is happening to me.  With all I have to deal with, you
two...only Min hasn't...only Min has been steadfast and pure..."

<incredible noise...cheering...jeering...waving of hands...>

"Pure?" said Min, "is that what you call me, sheepherder?  In your dreams,
maybe.  I haven't been invited to participate with them but don't think
that if the time arises and the offer is made...don't think I won't.  You
may have my heart...I have no control of that...but you don't _own_ me,
al'Thor.  I'm not some milk maid pining away for you.  I love you, as do
they, but I shall not be owned."

<incredible waving of arms and loud "You go girl!" and cheering from the
crowd>

"Min...I only meant that you alone have cleaved only to me."

"Cleaved?!  Why you woolheaded buffoon...what my near-sister Elayne and I
choose to do together is none of you concern.  You overstep yourself,
wetlander.  You don't own me.  Nor can you say that you own Elayne.  We are
not gai'shan.  We do not answer to you...and if you think we do then you
are more of a fool than I thought."

<loud cheering from the crowd>

"Yes, it is as Aviendha says," said Elayne, "we all love you, we have no
control of that...but we do have control of _our own_ actions.  You don't
control us, Rand.  Once I make you my Warder I'll..."

"What!?!"

<very loud woofing and cheering>

"When you make me your warder...who do you think you are?  How dare you
think that you can just _make_ me anything?  I'm the Dragon Reborn.  I'm
the man who must save the world.  I will not be taken as someone's warder,
again...*ever*."

"Again?!" said Elayne.

<incredible cheering and screaming from the crowd>

"Yes...what do you mean, again?" said Aviendha "what aes sedai has done
this thing to you?"

"What are they saying, Rand?" said Min.

<loud cheering from the crowd and many wolf whistles>

"It would appear that Rand is saying that there is another woman," said
Rikki Lake. "Is that what you are saying, sir?"

"Yes.  No....I mean, yes, someone has made me their warder.  But it was
without my consent.  I don't like it.  I didn't want it.  That is what I'm
saying."

<loud booing>

"Your warder...someone else...who...who did this thing?" asked Elayne.

"Yes, who did this thing to you," said Aviendha.

"Yes, Rand, tell them about the other woman in your life.  We'd all like to
hear about this, wouldn't we, audience?"

<incredibly loud cheering and waving and whistling>

"I...er, um...I don't want to talk about this, now.  I want to discuss you
and Aviendha...together...I want to talk about that."

"That is none of your concern," said Elayne "but your being bonded _is_ our
concern."

"Yes," said Min,"we don't want to share you with another woman."

"I _won't_ share you with another woman," said Aviendha "not another...not
_ever_..."

"Other than *us*, you mean," said Elayne.

"Yes...other than us," said Min.

<loud cheering and whistling and waving>

"Of course, sisters, that's what I meant."

"It's amazing how you can be so cavalier about this whole thing," said
Rikki. "I wouldn't want to share my man with _any_ other woman let alone
_three_ other women. I'm _more_ than enough woman for _my_ man."

<loud cheering>

"There isn't any fourth woman...I never...I mean I haven't...with
Alanna..."

"Alanna!  Is that who bonded you?" asked Elayne.

"Alanna," said Min, "I should have guessed.

"Who is this Alanna?  I need to know so that I may deal with her," said
Aviendha.

<incredible waving and cheering>

"Deal with her?  What do you mean, Aviendha?" asked Rikki.

"There will be no dealing with her, Aviendha, only _I_ will deal with
Alanna," said Rand.

<more waving and wolf whistles>

"And how will you 'deal' with her, Rand?" asked Rikki.

"Yes...how will you deal with her?" asked Elayne.

"I will deal with her in my own sweet time," said Rand "She's _my_ concern,
not yours."

<incredible booing and waving>

"Not our concern?!" said Elayne, "not our concern...why you conceited
bastard.  She is our concern.  Anything that concerns you concerns us.  Or
do you deny that we have a place in your life and that we have a say in
what happens to you?"

<loud cheering>

"A say...yes...I don't deny that.  But don't think you own _me_, either.
You can't have it both ways, I can't order you around, and you damn sure
can't dictate to _me_ how I run my affairs..."

"Affairs!?" said Elayne.

<incredibly loud jeering and applause>

"What do you mean, affairs, wetlander?" asked Aviendha.

"Er, um...I don't mean affairs like that.  I just mean you won't tell me
how to run my life, is all.  *I* will deal with Alanna when I'm good and
ready to deal with her.  But don't try to switch this all around to me.
You were going to bond me _without_ my permission.  How dare you!"

<wild screaming>

"How dare she?!" said Aviendha, "Watch yourself, Rand.  Elayne only has
your best interests at heart.  You would know that if you weren't laying
around in bed all day with Min and instead were concerning yourself with
truly important matters..."

<cheering>

"Laying around all day in bed with me!?  You cunt!  What we do is none of
your business...how dare you make that kind of statement!"

"Ladies..." began Rand.

<wild cheering>

"Cunt!?!" said Aviendha "You little wetlander hole!  Don't talk to me of
cunts, when all you do is spread your legs and wave your ass in the air at
the first sight of Rand to keep him wrapped up in your charms so that he
can't do his duty elsewhere..."

<wild cheering and waving>

"Ladies...please...I must ask you to watch your language," said Rikki.

"Don't talk that way to Min, you cock teasing aiel witch!" said Rand.

"Ha! You side with Min against Aviendha, I should have known.  She _is_
influencing you with her pussy...you big jerk!  Stop thinking with your
'johnson' and start thinking with your mind, if you even have a mind, that
is," said Elayne "and aren't just a walking, talking, penis, sniffing for
Min's and Aviendha's wetness all the time."

<incredible screaming>

"At least he knows we _have_ a wetness to sniff around," said Min.

"You cow!" said Elayne.

"Eat me," said Min.

"Careful what you say to her, wetlander whore.  She's more woman than
you'll ever be."

"And you would certainly know about that wouldn't you?" said Rand.

<incredible cheering with intermixed cat calls>

"Fuck you, sheep boy."

"Suck my dick, you lesbo," said Rand.

"How dare you!?" said Elayne.

"You too, you fuckin' carpet munchin' dyke" said Rand.

<wild, uncontrollable screaming and waving and booing and cheering>

"You have gone too far, sheepherder," said Aviendha.

"You've gone farther than that, I'd say" said Rand "at least you've gone
_down_ farther than that."

<screaming...cheering...booing...waving>

"Okay, everybody, let's try to calm down now.  Let's keep this civilized as
much as we can."

"Fuck you, you fat pig!" said Elayne.

<wild booing>

"Yeah...eat my shorts, you lardass tub of goo," said Rand.

"I agree, this is all _your_ fault, you are to blame...you may kiss my ass,
you blimpified, flash in the pan, whale sized, bitch!" said Min.

<screaming above and beyond the pain threshold>

"Now hold on there..." began Rikki.

"No it is you that needs to hold _this_," said Rand.

"Yes, and while you're at it, you blubbery slut, eat shit and die for ever
having the gaul to bring us on this Light blighted show so that we could
amuse your audience of morons with our troubles.  Thanks for nothing, you
bunch of low life, no life assholes," said Elayne.

<incredible booing>

"Now wait just a minute there..."

"I agree with my near-sister...you just brought us on this show to make fun
of us.  To try to get us to fight with each other to raise your ratings.
You're nothing but a ratings whore who lives for this type of shit.  I
refuse to be further associated with this dreck.  Let's get out of here,
now" said Aviendha as she got up and left the stage.

<incredible booing>

<Aviendha was joined by Rand, Elayne, and finally by Min who stopped to
flip off the audience in one last act of defiance before leaving the stage.
 This prompted an incredible roar of booing and jeering>

"Well...I...er, uh...I guess that about does it for today's show.  Next
time on Rikki Lake, Crossdressing Mass Murders share their favorite
make-over secrets...don't miss it!"

<incredible cheering...woofing...waving...screaming>

<fade out>