*fade in*

*applause*

*announcer speaks--"You never know what will happen or when you'll finally
make that perfect Love Connection!  Now here's your host, Chuck Woolery!"*

*loud cheering*

"Hello again, everyone.  I'm Chuck Woolery and welcome to Love Connection."

*applause and cheering with at least one overly loud wolf whistle*

Smiling broadly and laughing revealing several thousand dollars worth of
cosmetic dental work Chuck says, "Wow...uh, you people are pretty
exciteable.  When I bring out our first guest you'll probably have to be
hosed off before we can continue."

*extreme cheering and laughter*

"Whatever, I'll just have to take that chance.  Our first guest is a
handsome young former sheepherder and now natural-born leader of men and
One Power wielder without peer, the potential saviour of all mankind who
also happens to be the reincarnated soul of the long dead and much reviled
Lews Therin Telamon, Kinslayer and world breaker extraordinaire...let's
have a big hand for Rand al'Thor, the Dragon Reborn!"

*Rand enters from the stage left, shakes hands with Chuck, and sits down
on the sofa next to him.  Wolf whistles and cat calls and cheers
intermixed with a few boos and the occasional shout of derision and
perhaps even terror...*

"Here now, settle down...don't make me stop this show."

*loud cheering and laughter*

"That's better.  Wow...uh you sure seem to provoke strong emotional
responses.  Is that a help or hindrance on the dating scene?"

Smiling Rand replies, "It doesn't help, no.  But I'm sorta getting used to it."

"Well you're a better man than me..."

*loud boos*

"Hey!  Don't make me come up there."

*laughter*

"Okay...where was I?  Oh yeah.  I was asking you about how your famous or
should I say infamous nature affects your ability to meet eligible young
women.  I would think that it's gotta be a real b*tch."

"Oh, so you've met one of my recent dates..."

*loud cheering and laughter*

"I walked right into that one.  But, seriously, it must be tough being who
you are and people knowing what you have to do and what is ahead of you.
Not very much potential for long-term commitments..."

*laughter*

"...of course the other side is your power must open a few doors and give
you access to women that you would never have dreamed possible back
in...what small town are you from...Emond's Field in the Two Rivers, isn't
it?"

"Yes."

"Well you certainly have come along way from your humble beginnings.  The
Dragon...and all that responsibility and your commitment to defeating the
Dark One...can't leave that much time for your private life."

"Not much, no.  But I do manage to spend a little time with a few women
that are essential to my continued success.  I'm not all work and no
play.  On occasion, I've been able to quench my thirst for comfort and
companionship.  Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I get to quench it twice before I
have to return to my duties as the Dragon."

*wolf whistles, cheering, and waving arms*

"Okay.  Gee, look at the time."

*laughter*

"Well, anyway...what kind of woman are you looking for?"

"Chuck I'm looking for someone who can provide me comfort and pleasure who doesn't mind danger and that I'm the Dragon and will stay and take care of
my emotional and physical needs so that I can be free to devote all my
energy to defeating the Evil Lord."

"Well...good that you aren't asking for too much."

*loud laughter*

"Well, you asked what I was looking for."

"That I did.  But tell me, don't you already have three women who fit this
description already and are also quite lovely and completely devoted to
you?"

"I wouldn't say that they are completely devoted to me.  But yes, I do
have three women now who most certainly fit this bill..."

*loud booing*

"Settle down!  Let him talk.  Let him tell us what he means.  You will
tell us what you mean, won't you?"

Smiling, Rand says, "Of course.  I am very close to the women in
question.  I care very deeply for them.  So much so that I can't bear to
think of them being so close to death and so vulnerable.  I want to shield
them from pain.  What I'm looking for is someone who is more light-hearted
and fun to share my plight.  Someone that I can have fun with who knows
that I will always be commited to others...always a little aloof.  Of
course, I also want someone to fulfill my every fantasy in ways that would
make an Ebou Dar whore blush."

*laughing and cheering and the occasional boo*

"So...let me get this straight, you want someone for a short time, nothing
too serious, just fun with no commitments.  Is that about right?"

"Yes.  I'm not being egotistical or frivolous here.  I know what I need
and I know what I can offer in return.  I just hope to find a woman that
will accept what I can give."

"Well, that's what we are here for.  Let's take a look at the women that
Rand had to choose from, shall we?  It was a little tough finding people
who would agree to be on the show who weren't afraid of being vaporized
while they slept..."

*loud laughter*

"...but I think you'll be pleased with the selection.  First up is
Lanfear.  A few thousand year old One Power channeler and nair-do-well who was one of the original thirteen who sold their souls to the Dark One for the promise of immortality and infinite power.  We asked Lanfear what she was looking for in a man.  Here's what she had to say."

"Power.  A desire to rule the universe.  The ultimate sexy macho man with
a penchant for doing whatever it takes to be the baddest kick @ss mother
there is.  Oh and...malleable.  He must be a tad so, else I won't be able
to manipulate him a little just to spice things up a bit.  I want a man
who can f*ck me half outta my mind while simultaneously slaughtering
millions of the unwashed masses without missing a beat.  A man who
dominates everyone and everything he sees.  'Cept me, that is.  My little
kootchie-coo better not try that sh*t with me else I'll hand him his
testicles on a sandwhich.  Oh and he'll eat it, too.  If that's what will
please me..."

*small nervous chuckles*

"Whew...okay.  Next, we have Bela, a beautiful and strong female
approximately seven years old who is a devoted follower of the light and
works diligently for the Amyrlin seat..."

*groan*

"...what?  Oh, yeah...sorry.  Anyway, we asked Bela what exactly she felt
would make the perfect date and here's what she had to say."

"Hrrrrrr*snort*...pphhphhllltttt...hurrrrrrer.......*snort*.....phhhttt.........................*stomp--stomp--stomp*............hrrrhherr....ppppphhhllttttt......*snort*...*chew*..."

*mild chuckles*

"Hey...she's a creature of few words.  What can I say?  Finally, we have a
young, by their standards, Ogier named Loial.  Loial has recently been
outside of his home steading working on chronicling the activities of the
latest batch of ta'veren loose in the world for posterity.  A massively
built and powerful individual he nevertheless is considered quite
sensitive and even tender unless he is provoked.  Well, we'll try not to
do that..."

*laughter*

"...and strangely enough, Loial, while male, is very strongly interested
in pursuing a more physical and intimate relationship with Mr. al'Thor.
We asked Loial about his feelings in this regard and why he wishes to
become more than just casually aquainted to the Dragon.  Here's what he
had to say."

"Since I learned of their existence, Mat, Perrin, and especially, Rand
have fascinated me like no other things in my experience.  I think about
them and enjoy being near them and relish each brief moment that I have
alone with them.  I love the way the smell...the way they look...the way
their muscles ripple under their shirts as the sweat drips down their
brows as the fierce rays of the sun beat down on them while they toil
along oblivious to my heart racing, my blood boiling in my veins, my mouth
void of saliva as I struggle with emotions both powerful and forbidden,
struggle to speak, struggle to tell them of my thoughts, my feelings, my
desires.  Some would say that my unnatural lust is sick and perverted.  I
would almost agree.  But how can something so beautiful be so wrong?  How
can my wanting to know them in ways beyond friendship and reaching ever so
close to connubial really do them harm?  I only wish to know them.
Especially...Rand.  To feel his arms around me.  To touch his human
maleness.  To gently, ever so teasingly, tickle his buttocks with my ear
hairs while he whimpers and begs lustily for me to proceed farther into the
netherlands of ecstasy incarnate--be still my heart......I can't
go on...I...I must know him.  I will know him or die."

*cheering and whooping and screaming*

"Hey, hey, now!  Don't make me get the firehose."

*laughter*

"Well, that's who Rand has to choose from.  Please lock in your vote."

*frantic activity and hands raised with one, two, or three fingers
outstretched with people saying, 'one!' or 'two!' or 'three!' to somehow
influence other people's choice.*

"With your votes locked it's time to ask Rand which one he chose."

"I chose Bela."

*wild screaming*

"Okay, we've got to take a break right now but when we return, we'll hear
everything that went on on their date.  See ya in two and two."

*fade to commercial*

*insert two minutes of commercials*

*fade back in*

"We're back.  If you've just joined us, Rand chose Bela.  Bela is
backstage right now so let's give a hearty welcome to her.  Glad to have
you on the show, Bela."

"Hi, Bela."

"Pppppllltttt...*snort*"

"Okay...right back atcha, I think."

*laughter*

"Anyway, tell us about your date.  How did it get started?"

"I couldn't reach Egwene to find out when would be the best time to pick
up Bela so I just gated over hoping that Bela wouldn't be busy."

"You just dropped in unannounced?"

*boos*

"I know...but I had to.  Communication with Egwene is next to impossible
so I just had to do it this way."

"Well, Bela, how did you feel about him showing up without calling first?"

"...."

"Well...I guess she didn't mind.  Then what happened?"

"I found Bela in the stable.  Apparently, she had just been exercising and
washed and groomed cause her back still glistened with a mixture of sweat
and well-water.  You could still see the brush marks on her beautiful
skin.  And her eyes...the deepest brown I'd ever seen.  I got all
goose-bumpy just looking at her.  She was perhaps the sexiest thing I'd
ever seen."

*wild cheers*

"Bela...what did you think when you first saw Rand?"

"....*snort*..."

*laughter and booing*

"Oooo...not the kind of reaction you were hoping for, was it?"

"Yeah, I will admit she didn't seem all that impressed with me."

"Well, so...you're in the barn...then what happened?"

"I was really turned on by her, Chuck.  She was so damn incredible
standing there in the stall with the light from the setting sun bouncing
off her graceful flanks, her tail swishing, her nose slightly wet, her
ears perked up...I almost lost all control but managed to go over to her
and begin to stroke her gorgeous neck."

*wolf whistles, cheering, applause*

"That's a little forward, isn't it?  What did you think, Bela when he just
came over to you like that and began touching you?"

"...."

"Ambivilant, to say the least.  I'm almost afraid to ask but...what
happened next?"

Smiling sheepishly Rand says, "Well, one thing led to another and we ended
up caressing..."

*loud cheers*

"...and I gently stroked her and rubbed her and quickly found myself
becoming more insistent and vigorous.  She seemed to be responding.  At
least I thought she was so I went farther...I...I was overwhelmed with her
beauty and I ended up positioned behind her where the heat and aroma from
her sex was the most intoxicating thing I've ever experienced."

*extremely loud cheering and screaming*

"Are you telling us that without so much as a cheap dinner and movie you
were insinuating yourself in her...er, um...clutches?"

"Uh...yeah...that is what I'm saying.  It was heavenly.  Like the
greatest I've ever known.  I passed out from joy and when I awoke, she was
looking back at me with what I could only surmise was a slight amount of
loathing and contempt bordering on pity."

*loud screaming and cheering*

"Really?  You really think so?  What do you say, Bela...were you effected
in that way by the experience?"

"....hhhhrrrrrrer *snort*...."

"I guess so.  Why do you think that was?"

Shrugging Rand said, "The only thing I can figure is Mandarb."

"Excuse me...Mandarb?"

"Yep.  A big stallion.  Must be that Bela had gotten used to Mandarb and
little ol' human me just didn't pack the same _woooomph_.  Pity as she was
like being with a thrusting freight train with hooves and a well oiled
vice with little nubs on it and..."

"Er um...thanks for that but we really don't need any more info.  So Bela,
we're sorry that we didn't make a Love Connection for you but sometimes
these things happen for the best.  Maybe we'll see you back again some
time."

"...."

"I'll take that as goodbye.  Well, let's see who the audience picked for you."

*Three pictures of the three contestants are shown on the screen along
with rapidly changing percentages of votes for each.  Finally the vote
tally slows down and then stops revealing that Lanfear got 19% of the
votes, Bela got 40% of the votes, but Loial got _41%_.

mild exclamations and applause and some cheering*

"Well, it looks like the audience chose Loial.  If you'd like to try Loial
we'll be more than happy to pay for it else you can stay on your own.
What do you say, want to try Loial?"

*cheering and yelling*

"Well Chuck, any chance I could have you?"

"Yeah, like you could be so lucky.  What do I look like to you, a horse's ass?"

"Well, I've never seen you in a stable..."

*wild screaming and hissing and booing*

"That's it...I'm calling the fire department."

*wild cheering*

"Anyway...yeah, I almost chose Loial anyway so...yep, I'll give it a try."

*wild cheering*

"I would hope that you'll have the decency to take Loial to dinner at an
Inn somewhere, maybe dance a little, maybe get to know each other before
you jump his bone or do you just ravage all your dates in a stall at the
local stable, spraying hay and oats all over the place with reckless
abandon?"

*loud laughter and cheering*

"No, I think I'll take Loial someplace special.  Say...Tear or maybe
Illian or maybe even Shadar Logoth."

*ooo, ahhh, applause*

"Well I would hope so.  Anyway, join us next time when we'll find out just
what happened on their date.  I can't _wait_ to see how this one turns
out.  Tata for now, see you next time on the Love Connection."

*applause, cheering, screaming, Rand shakes hands with Woolery--fade out*