Episode #1: Welcome To The Wenchcave...

Characters:

Wenchman (WM) aka Bruce Bink

Tapewench (TW) aka Nigel Larson

Wench (W) aka Empress of Darkness aka Minerva Forsyth

Francis (Fr) aka Francis

Carmen Miranda (CM) aka The 'Evil' One

Carmen's Dark Legion of Fruity Followers

Scene 1: To The Wenchcave!

[Scene: All 3 in an alley, beating up 'bad guys'. Tapewench's watch beeps, he looks at it.]

W: Wenchman! It's time for tea!

[All pause beating respective villains and look up]

WM: To the wenchcave, on the double!

W: Wait! First...[all pause and look at her] to the wenchmobile!

WM and TW: Good call, Wench!

[cue "Wenchman" Theme (chicken dance by a drunken Francis). Flash title]

Scene 2: Carmen's Sanctuary

[Villain's hideout. Chintzy nightclub-no customers. 'Evil' Carmen Miranda from 'Armageddon' play. It is sitting at a table, alone, smoking a cigar.]

CM: Too long has my kind been ridiculed, oppressed, publicly humiliated! The undecorated masses will soon learn, however, what it means to anger the Grand-Miranda! To insult me is to wage war on produce of all kind! We will show them the way of the future...come to me my legions!

[Garishly dressed 'Fruit-Vestites' enter from behind Carmen. Once they are all assembled, Carmen speaks]

CM: I've decided our next course of action...we will steal...a shrubbery! To the shrubber's, my minions!

[They leave building riotously]

Scene 3: Tea and Crumpets

[Wenchmobile pulls in, all three jump out]

TW: Francis! Where's our tea? Dammit! We've been prancing around
all day in these bloody leotards-you could at least have our tea
ready!

WM: Tapewench! That's no way to treat the hired help! [now in a
very low satanic voice] TEA!

FR: Right away, Master Bink.

TW: Bring some crumpets too!

W: Oooooh! And quiche!

WM: Real men don't eat quiche!

W: Moron! I'm the only one here who's not a man! And there is
nothing wrong with quiche!

[Long pause]

TW: It's crunchy...isn't it?

WM: What?!

TW: Quiche...it's crunchy.

WM: What the devil are you talking about?

W: Idiots! You are both such...idiots!

TW: [About to cry] Why are you so mean? You always call me
names...[sniffles]

Scene 3A

[Francis approaches WM, scene only shows these two]

FR: Tea? [To WM]

WM: Yes, thank you Franc-Have you been into the scotch again,
Francis?

FR: Yes sir. Would you like some?

WM: How much is left?

FR: None, sir. [Breaks into hysterical giggles]

WM: Just being polite, were you? [Rhetoric, sarcastic tone]

FR: Yes-

WM: That was a rhetorical question, you drunken sod! Go give the
other two their tea!

[Francis saunters in direction of W and TW. He knocks a bunch of
things off of the tray. Stoops to pick them up. WM puts head in
hand and groans.]

Scene 3B

[3A going on in the background]

[W and TW near a console...arguing]

W: Because it's so much fun.

TW: You're a sadist!

W: Want to test that theory? [Evil grin]

TW: What does that mean? [Starts to back away] Why are you
looking at me like that?

W: [Starts moving towards him in a menacing manner. Grin deepens]

TW: [Still backing up, trips over Francis] Aaaa! She's going to
hurt me! Help me Wenchman! [Curls up into tiny ball]

[Wench gloats over TW. Francis picks himself up, as well as tray
items. Approaches W.]

FR: Tea, mistress Forsyth? [To W]

W: [Sighs, puts head in hand ( in reverse order). Looks up at
Francis.] How many times must I tell you? Coffee, Francis.
Double strong, triple sugar. [Pauses] And NO scotch this time!

FR: Very good, Miss Wench! [Bends over TW] Tea, mister Tapewench?

TW: [Finally gets up. Glares at W. Doesn't look away while
speaking to Francis] Yes, Francis. Don't forget, crumpets too.

FR: [Funny smile starting to cross his face] There are no
crumpets, Master Larson.

TW: [Turns, looks at Francis] There are...no crumpets, Francis?

FR: [Losing composure, looks about to laugh. Smile increases
steadily as he talks] No, sir. No...crumpets.

TW: Do I even want to know what happened to all nine dozen I saw
just this morning?

[Francis breaks into hysterical laughter]

TW: It appears I don't. [Rubs temples. To self, in exasperated
tone] It is so hard to find good help these days.

[Sudden, high-pitched, irritating beep]

WM: [Leaps to feet from chair by console] An emergency! To the
wenchmobile!

W: I'm driving!

TW: [Strikes a bratty, kid pose] Then I'm not going.

WM: [In previously mentioned Satan voice] In the car now,
Tapewench.

TW: [Gives nervous little yelp, leaps into wenchmobile]

W: [To TW] Backseat, freak! I'm not sharing the front with you!

WM: [Makes a miraculous leap into the wenchmobile] Onward, ho!
[Strikes a moronically heroic seated pose]

[Wenchmobile peels out of the wenchcave]

[Francis looks around, then pulls a mickey out of his pocket, and
takes a chug]

Scene 4: Chicken

[Cut to side view of car and road. Another car swerving around
wenchmobile. Then, the wenchmobile pulls into other lane. TW is
still covering eyes. W's face returns to normal. WM remains
as he was.]

TW: Is it over yet?

[Long pause]

WM: I thought I told you-no playing chicken with the wenchmobile,
young lady!

W: I was just having fun.

TW: [Finally uncovers eyes. To WM] Why do you let her drive?! She
always almost kills us all!

W: I'm the only one of us who isn't afraid to drive over 30
[kilometers per hour].

WM: She's got a point there, Tapewench.

TW: Is everybody against me?

Scene 5: At the Shrubber's

[Carmen Miranda and its legion burst onto scene. Loud cheering,
they start terrorizing the area.]

[Wenchmobile suddenly drives into middle of greenhouse and
screeches to a halt. WM, W, and TW jump out of the wenchmobile.]

WM: [Strikes another stereotypical 'heroic' pose.] Ah! An unknown
villain!

[W and TW in background-TW is hiding behind W, who is trying to
push him into a group of CM's legion, as she fights off a few of
them herself]

WM: (continued) Have at thee, then, foul fruit-porter!

CM: Ah! So some crimefighters have arrived! Attack them my
minions! We will make you wish you'd never seen fruit before!
Aha! [Insanely weird laugh]

W: [After 'de-fruiting' a minion] What are you going to do, then?
Pelt us with kiwi? And what do you mean by 'we'? You're not doing
anything but giving orders. It's like you're the head of
some sick union of fruit-bearing-anti-mono-sexual-
terrorists! What's that all about?

CM: [Defiant look on its face] I don't need to explain my motives
to you, foolish girl! You won't question us once we rule the
world!

W: There you go with all this 'we' stuff-your minions would
probably listen to anyone! You're not concerned about unity with
your...your....meretriciously-dressed-[interrupted by shriek
from TW]

TW: They're pinching me! Oh, someone make them stop! Eeeek! [As a
group of CM's legion pinch him]

WM: Wench-stop waxing politics and help me and Tapewench!

TW: Ooooh! I'm going to get welts-somebody make the hurting stop!

W: [Frustrated] Arghhh! Why do you always assume I'm 'waxing
political' and not pulling my weight when I'm really distracting
the villain by sharing my keen, analytical insights into
the motivations thereof! Take a hint, I was giving you an
opening!

[All stop and stare at her as she finishes tantrum]

W: [After a pause] Well? [Glares at all]

TW: ...very articulate outburst, Wench...

WM: Uh, yes, very articulate indeed! I don't need any
hints...let's find out if this produce-bearer is an adversary
worthy of my abilities! [Does yet another miraculous leap towards
CM]

[CM gives little yelp and runs away]

WM: Come back here and fight me like a...a...just come back here
and fight me, you coward!

[CM, still running away, suddenly yells and falls after a huge
object falls on it]

[WM and W look (with amazement) at TW. TW is frantically
inspecting his outfit]

TW: Did I get any watermelon on me? Oh, I'll just die if I've
stained it-lace is so hard to clean! [Realizes other two are
looking at him] What? Oh, I did get a stain, didn't I?

WM: You...you...

W: How can a wimp like you heave a watermelon like that?!

WM: You took my job! [Voice becomes increasingly satanic as he
speaks]

[WM pounces on TW and starts strangling him as W stares on in
disbelief]

Cue Announcer: Be here tomorrow...Same wench time, same wench
channel, for the continuing adventures of...Wenchman, and his
trusty sidekicks-Wench, and Tapewench!

Cue theme song, credits, with shots of Francis doing various
things to crumpets (i.e. making himself a crumpet bra; flushing
crumpets down the toilet; burning crumpets on sacrificial
altar, etc.)

Again, all of this is copyright 1998 by Katy McGirr. Wenchman, Tapewench, Wench, and Francis are all products of her sick mind. As for Carmen Miranda...well she just completely warped her. Oh, these little copyright bits are so much fun to write! Heehee...the doctor says that it's time for my medication. He's standing by with a cattle prod, in case I 'try that stunt again'. Well, he's in for a surprise. Mwahaahaa!!! *ahem* Bye bye.