Title: Daniel, the Not So Ugly Duckling
Author: Maria Guyan
Email: [email protected]
Rating: PG
Spoilers: None
Category: Humor, Fairy Tale
Disclaimer:  All Stargate SG-1 characters are the property of Stargate SG-1 Productions (II) Inc., MGM Worldwide Television Productions Inc., Double Secret Productions, Gekko Film Corp and Showtime Networks Inc. No infringement of those rights is intended.
Special Thanks: As always, thank you to Miki for keeping me writing and helping me out. Thanks to Beck for the first part of this story.

Daniel, the Not So Ugly Duckling

The Sg-1 team was gathered in a small room together. Jack brushed off the script and read "Daniel, the not so ugly.....um....duckling?" he shrugged

"But Daniel is not a duck?"

"Hey I know Teal'c, I don't know what he's doing...Will you get on with it oh great Narrator?"

Sarcasm gets you nowhere, Jack, the distant voice grumbled

"Daniel?"

What?

"Get started!"

What Colonel O'Neill does not realize is that he has been appointed by the great HISTORIANS to be the Narrator for this story.

"WHAT?"

Yeah, Jack, that's why you have the script. I can't play the main character and narrate at the same time.

"Why not?"

Jaaaccckkk!

"Ok Ok...."

“Well?”

What now?

“Can we start the story already, Jack?”

Yeah, yeah, here we go.  Ahem.  Once upon a time there was---Hey, Daniel!  Where’d ya go?

“I’m right here, Jack.”

Right where?

“In here.”

You’re kidding, right?

“No.  I’m supposed to be a duckling, right?”

Right.

“And where do ducklings come from?”

Big ducks.

“Jack!”

Okay, okay, they come from eggs.  Happy, now?

“Very.  Now can we get going?  It’s a little cramped in here.”

Sorry, Daniel.  Where was I?  Oh, yeah.  Once upon a time, there was a big mother duck.

“I have come to sit upon my eggs.”

For cryin’ out loud!  Who made Teal’c the mother duck?

“I am not the mother duck.”

Well, let’s see….you’re covered in feathers, have a big pink bonnet, and said you’re going to sit on the eggs.

“That is correct.”

So what are you then?

“I am the substitute mother duck.”

Where’s the real mother duck?

“She was too small to sit on these eggs.  She has asked me to fill in.”

Fine.  There was a substitiute mother duck.  She walked over to the nest and sat on the eggs.

“I hope these eggs hatch soon.”

And she waited…….and waited…….and waited for the eggs to hatch.

"Perhaps this will help."

The substitute mother duck pulled out her….staff weapon?

"It is not a staff weapon.  This is an egg warmer."

Okay….so she pulls out her egg warmer and begins to warm the eggs.

"Holy Hannah!  Turn that thing off already!"

<crack>

Sam?

"That's Sam the duckling, sir."

Oh, you look…..um….good in feathers.

<crack>

"Not a word, Colonel."

*stifled laughter* Wouldn't think of it, sir.

<crack>

"Egg three encoded."

Hey, it's …..ummm…..You!

"Gee, thanks."

<crack>

Apophis!

"How dare you laugh at me, filthy Narrator!"

<crack>

"I'll have you court-marshalled for this stunt, O'Neill!"

Nice to see you too, Mayborne.

<crack>

"Has it occurred to anyone else that this is medically impossible?"

Nice of you to join us, Doc.

"Well, with SG-1 all here, there's nothing for me to do."

Anyway.  The substitute mother duck looked her babies over one by one.

Each one was yellower and fluffier than the one before.  Finally, the last egg…

"Egg seven about to engage!"

Thank you.  As I was saying, the last egg finally cracked open.

<crack>

"Hi, everyone."

Daniel!  Get some clothes on!

"Jack!  This is a fairy tale.  Tell everyone I have clothes on."

Fine, I lied.  He has a duck outfit on.  Happy?

"Much better."

The duckling that came out was large and clumsy and a dirty gray color.

"Hey!"

What?  That's what it says.

"Let me see."

"The duckling that came out was large and clums…  oh, ok."

What do you have to say?

"What?"

Don't you have anything to say now?

"Fine, I'm sorry."

Thank you.  As I was going to say, The substitute mother duck thought….

"How big and ugly he is!  I wonder if he is a turkey chick."

"Thanks a lot, Teal'c."

"I am sorry, Daniel Jackson.  That was my line."

But she loved him just the same.

"I love you anyway, Daniel Jackson."

"Ummm…..thanks, Teal'c,…. I think."

And the next day, she led her babies to the pond.  The ugly duckling swam just as well as the rest, so he could not be a turkey chick. Well, except for duckling 4 and 5, who sank.

"You will pay for this, filthy……."  <bubble, bubble>

"O'Neill!"  <bubble, bubble>

"Jack!  That wasn't in the script!"

I know, but I couldn't resist.  I'm starting to like this all-powerful Narrator thing.

"Colonel.  Need I remind you who picks your assignments?"

Don't worry, sir, I'll be leaving the rest of the ducklings alone….<mumbled> Maybe.

"Colonel!"

Nothing, sir.

"Could we just get on with the story, Jack?"

Sure…..  Hey, you called me, Jack!

"Of course.  I don't want to end up at the bottom of the pond."

I would never do that to you, Sam.

"Thanks."

No problem.  Anyway….The next day, the proud substitute mother duck took her babies home to the farmyard for the first time.

"Come, children.  I will take you to the farmyard to show the others how wonderful you are."

"Yes, mother!"

Now, where were we?  Here, we are.  The other birds teased the poor duckling.  Soon, even his own brothers and sisters called him “Ugly” and wouldn’t play with him.

“Ewww…..get away from me.  You’re too ugly.”

“Shoo. Shoo.”

“Go away, we don’t want to play with you.”

As the days passed, the duckling grew more ugly,

“I’m so ugly!”

And the teasing grew worse and worse.

“Everyone hates me!”

Finally, he decided to run away.

“I’ll go find someplace where everyone is as ugly as me!”

The duckling wandered through the fields until he came to a swamp where

the wild geese lived.

“YAY!  Maybe they won’t think I’m ugly!”

Before the duckling could speak to the geese, some dogs came and they flew away.

“COME BACK!”

The ugly duckling hid in the weeds, for he was too frightened to leave.

“Did you have to make the dogs so big!”

Yes, I did.  Now, as I was saying,….  As soon as he was sure the dogs were gone, the lonely little duckling set off again, looking for company.

“Where am I supposed to go?  I’m in a swamp!”

I don’t know.  This was your idea.  Look around.

“Hey, what’s that over there?”

Looks like a hut.

“Should I go in?”

What are you asking me for?  It’s as good a place as any.

“Okay, here I go.”

At last, he came to a little hut, where an old woman lived with her cat and prize hen.  She took the duckling in.

“Hey, Teal’c, it’s you!”

“Indeed.  Would you like to come in?”

“Sure.”

Teal’c, is there anything you’d like to tell me?

“I do not believe so, O’Neill.  What would you like me to say?”

Oh, I don’t know.  Maybe why you’re a woman in all of these?

“Daniel Jackson chooses my parts.”

Danny?

“What?  He plays them so well.”

I’m not even going to comment on that.

“That is probably for the best, O’Neill.”

I thought so.  Anyway…..But the cat and the hen were mean to the duckling.

“Hey, I am not a toy!”

Besides, he was a wild bird, and although the hut was warm and dry, he longed to be out on the water.

“It’s too dry in here.”

So one fall day, he ran away to find a lake.

“Bye!”

And find one he did.  He was happier on his lake, though the wild ducks

there would not speak to him.

“Who needs you?  I’ll just swim all by myself.”

You call that swimming, Daniel?

“Who asked you, Jack?”

Getting a little testy, are we?

“Fine, I’ll just sit on the side…..Hey, Jack.  Does this lake remind you of anything?”

Not really, why?

“I’m sitting on a stone with a symbol engraved on it, Jack.”

Nope, not ringing any bells here.  On with the story.

“Jack!”

Fine, it’s Lake Stargate, okay?

“I told you.”

ANYWAY….One day, a flock of beautiful birds flew by.  The sight of them

made the ugly duckling cry, though he did not know why.

“Boo hoo.  Those birds make me so sad.”

Soon afterward, the wild ducks flew off, but the duckling stayed.  Hey,

Daniel, why don’t you go with them?

“They wouldn’t talk to me.  Besides, I like it here.”

Okay, have it your way.  It grew so cold one night that the duckling awoke to find his feet frozen in a sheet of ice!

“Jack!!!”

It’s in the script….see…..his feet frozen in a sheet of ice.

“I don’t want to stay here like this!”

I’m such a nice guy, I’ll help you out.

“Yeah, right.”

What was that, Daniel?

“Nothing.”

Good.  Soo…..  Luckily, a farmer found the duckling there and freed him

from the ice.

“Thanks, sir.”

“No problem, son.  I think you’ll make a great pet for my children.”

“Excuse me?”

I was getting to that part.  The kind man took him home, thinking the bird would make a fine pet for his children.

“Well, this is just great.  How could this get any worse?”

“It’ll be fine, doctor.  You’ll love my kids.  They’re very well behaved.”

“Maybe this won’t be so bad.”

But when the farmer set the duckling down in his kitchen, the noisy children frightened the bird, and he ran and ran around the room.

“Hey!  I thought you said they were well behaved!  HELP!”

What a mess he made!

“I can’t help it.  They’re driving me insane!”

The farmer’s wife chased him right out the kitchen door waving his…errr….her…..

“Broom.”

Looks like a staff weapon to me.

“It is a broom.”

Fine.  Waving her broom in the air.

“Teal’c!”

“I am sorry, Daniel Jackson.  You must leave.”

The frightened duckling did not run far, for it was dark and cold outside.

“Brrrrr…..I hope my feet don’t freeze again.”

Here, put on these.

“Snow boots?  Thanks, Jack.”

No problem.  Can’t have you getting frost bite this late in the story.

As I was saying…He found a hiding place and made a nest for himself.

“Oh, it’s so nice in this nest.  I think I’ll spend the winter here.”

And there he spent the whole winter, trying to keep warm and coming out

only to search for food.  It was the longest, loneliest winter you can imagine.

“I’m so lonely.  I hope the winter ends soon, so I don’t have to eat any more of these MRIs.”

They’re MRE’s, Daniel.  And what do you have those for anyway?  You’re a duck, you’re supposed to be eating bugs!

“It’s winter, Jack.  All the bugs are gone.”

And you say that I don’t stick to the story!

“Fine, I’ll find a bug.”

And he went out to find a bug.

“Ewww….Jack!”

You’re the one who wanted this story authentic, Daniel.

“Yuck!  Yuck!  Yuck!  I ate it, happy now!”

Estatic!  On with the story!  Finally spring came.  The duckling stretched his neck and flew to his little lake.

“Well, this is pretty nice.  Everything looks so small from up here.”

I guess this would be a bad time to remind you of your fear of heights then, wouldn’t it?

“JACK!  AHHHHHHH!”

Don’t worry, kids, he’s fine, just a few bumps and bruises.  He’s used to it.

“I’ll get you for this, Jack!”

Ahem….  Just as the lonely bird started to swim, three swans appeared from out of the shadows.

“They won’t want to talk to me.  I’m too ugly.”

As the duckling drew near, he bowed his head.  But when he lowered his eyes, he saw the most beautiful swan of all.  It was his own reflection!

“It’s me!  I’m a swan!  I’m not ugly after all!”

“Hi, Daniel.”

“Sam!  How did you get to be a swan?”

“I don’t know.  It’s your story.  Wanna come swim with me?”

“Sure.  I’d love to.”

As he said, The ugly duckling was really a swan!  You see, it doesn’t matter if you’re born in a duck’s nest, if you come from a swan’s egg.

THE END

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