Taoism: Shit happens.

Confucianism: Confucius says: "Shit happens".

Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn’t really shit.

Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?

Hinduism: This shit has happened before.

Islamism: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Protestantism: Let the shit happen to someone else.

Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.

Judaism: Why does shit always happen to us?

Sophism: The wise man never notices shit happening.

Christian Science: If shit happens, pretend it doesn’t really exist.

Solipsism: Shit happens because I wish it.

Mysticism: Just experience shit happening.

Asceticism: If shit happens, renounce it.

Agnosticism: Nobody knows why shit happens.

Gnosticism: I know why shit happens but won’t tell you.

Atheism: Shit just happens and that’s all there is to it.

Cartesianism: Shit happens to me, therefore I exist.

Platonism: There is ideal shit happening somewhere.

Stoicism: I don’t care if shit happens.

Epicureanism: Let’s party while shit doesn’t happen.

Cynicism: Of course shit happens.

Occultism: Shit materializes from other planes of existence.

Terrorism: Shit will happen unless you do as I say.

Pollyanism: It’s so nice that shit happens!

Puritanism: S*** happens all day as long as you don’t call it that.

Behaviorism: You are conditioned to having shit happen.

Freudianism: If shit happens, it’s your mother’s fault.

Parapsychology: Shit happens without material causes.

Surrealism: Purple shit happens near melting clocks.

Cubism: If shit happens, you won’t recognize it.

Cultural Relativism: Shit happens everywhere differently.

Optimism: If shit happens, we’ll find a way to use it.

Pessimism: If shit happens, there won’t be enough for everybody.

Tabloid Sensationalism: Green shit from Mars happens to Elvis clone.

Biblical Creationism: Shit happens because God created it.

Secular Humanism: Shit happens because it evolved from primitive shit.

Scientific Reductionism: If shit happens, find out what kind exactly.

Scientific Obscurantism: Amorphous excrement does occur in given causes.

Bureaucracy: I don’t care if shit happens as long as you fill out the forms.

Feminism: Women demand to have shit happen.

Ecology: If organic shit happens, it’s OK.

Capitalism: Let’s profit from shit happening.

Socialism: If shit happens, let’s distribute it equally.

Patriotism: Our shit is better than your shit.

Conservatism: They don’t make even shit happen like they used to.

Liberalism: Shit shouldn’t happen tomorrow.

Classical Physics: Shit does not ‘happen’, it just moves around.

Quantum Physics #1: Shit happens but you can’t say both where and when.

Quantum Physics #2: Shit happens in discrete quanta called shitons.

Holistic Physics: If shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.

Microcomputing: If shit happens, we’ll fix it in the next version.

Computer Science: All shit can in principle happen on a Turing Machine.

Applied Mathematics: The probability of shit happening approaches unity.

Pure Mathematics: Q(shit)dt diverges to +.

Engineering: When shit happens, paint it over.

Medicine: If shit happens, take two Aspirins and call me in the morning.

Economics: Shit happens because there’s great demand for it.

Politics: If shit happens, make a deal with it.

Diplomacy: Let’s pretend shit doesn’t happen.

Brazilianism #1: If shit happens, pretend you don’t see it.

Brazilianism #2: The shit is ours.