"Legion" 1. RED DWARF Series VI Episode 2 "Legion" 1 Int. Starbug Galley. 1 RIMMER enters the kitchen area, where KRYTEN is delicately slicing a carrot. RIMMER Ten o'clock changeover. Anything to report? KRYTEN We're still lagging behind Red Dwarf, sir -- almost twenty-four hours behind now. Other than that, it's been a moderately quiet shift, except for one small shock a couple of hours ago when we noticed an alien invasion fleet off the starboard bow. Thankfully it turned out to be one of Mr Lister's old sneezes that had congealed on the radar screen. RIMMER How are we fuel-wise? KRYTEN Unchanged for today, sir. However, the supply situation grows increasingly bleak. We've recycled the water so often, it's beginning to taste like Dutch lager. RIMMER We're okay for food, though, aren't we? KRYTEN Confidentially, sir, no. We've no meat, no pulse and hardly any grain. Worse still, the only liquorice allsorts left are those {whorly} little black twisty ones that everybody hates. If that weren't bad enough, space weevils have eaten the last of the corn supply. RIMMER So what's under the grill? KRYTEN Space weevil. KRYTEN pulls the pan out from under the grill. RIMMER looks away, disgusted. (CONTINUED) 2. "Legion" 1 CONTINUED: 1 RIMMER You can't serve space weevil, Kryten. I mean, not even Lister with his single remaining tastebud will knowingly sit down and eat insectoid vermin. Well let's face it - with him it's practically cannabalism. KRYTEN places the grilled roach on a plate, garnished with fresh vegetables. KRYTEN But it's incredibly nutritious, sir. After all, it is corn fed. RIMMER You'll never get him to eat it. KRYTEN Trust me sir. They say the first bite is with the eye. It's all down to presentation. He sprinkles some grated herbs over the repast, then lifts it up in one hand, waiter-style. KRYTEN Et voila! 2 Int. Cockpit. 2 Meanwhile, in the cockpit. LISTER is at the controls, looking bored. There is a magazine lying on a nearby control surface. CAT Change-over! Anything new? LISTER picks up his magazine and stands up. LISTER Oh, nothing much. Electrical storm, alien war fleet - false alarm, the usual stuff. CAT squeezes past Lister as he heads for the door. CAT Look at the state of this place! Why can't you ever clean up before we swap over? (CONTINUED) "Legion" 3. 2 CONTINUED: 2 LISTER (shrugs) CAT sits down in the control chair which LISTER has just vacated. CAT What the hell is all this down the back of my chair? Peanuts? LISTER No, I've been trimming my verrucas. CAT You have personal habits that would make a monkey blush! LISTER You really think I'm psychotically disgusting, don't you? They're peanuts, okay?. CAT REAL peanuts? LISTER Yeah. CAT (Popping one in his mouth.) Where'd you get them? LISTER That derilict a couple of months back. I found them in the dead captain's old donkey jacket. CAT stares at him. LISTER Don't look at me like that. You enjoyed that mint imperial, didn't you? CAT And where did you get that? LISTER He was sucking that when he got shot. I had to prise his jaws open with a car jack. (CONTINUED) 4. "Legion" 2 CONTINUED: 2 CAT Uh-huh, you think I'll buy anything you say, don't you? Well, wrong, buddy! Now get out of here - I gotta keep my eyes skinned for that asteroid shaped like a dancing moose you told me about yesterday. 3 Int. Mid-Section. 3 LISTER enters the mid-section. LISTER Hi, honey, I'm home. As LISTER sits down at the table, KRYTEN and RIMMER enter. KRYTEN places before him a covered metal tray and a tape. KRYTEN Supper, sir, and tonight's movie. I'm sorry, sir, it is another Doug McClure. Please don't hit me. LISTER lifts the cover off the supper tray, and freezes. He peers intently at the plate. LISTER What's this? KRYTEN Sir? LISTER digs around on plate and holds up the offending foodstuff. LISTER Raw carrot? Kryten, you know how I feel about fresh vegetables - they're for health psychoes, vitamin freaks. People... (He tosses the carrot onto the table, away from his plate) ...who exercise. KRYTEN I'm sorry, sir. LISTER opens his magazine and takes a bite of weevil. He pauses, a look of annoyance and disgust crossing his face (CONTINUED) "Legion" 5. 3 CONTINUED: 3 KRYTEN Is everything okay, sir? LISTER No, it's not. Some smegger's filled in this "Have You Got A Good Memory" quiz. KRYTEN But that was you, sir. Last week. Don't you remember? LISTER Was it? KRYTEN Hm. Look: Nobody else spells "Thursday" with an "F" LISTER I can't help it. I went to art college. Resumes eating. RIMMER (Leaning in close.) How's supper, Listy? LISTER It's delicious. I didn't know we had any crunchy king prawn left! CAT appears in the doorway to the cockpit. He looks worried. CAT I hate to go all technical on you, but... all hands on deck, swirly thing alert! 4 Int. Cockpit. 4 Thet charge through to the cockpit. There are four control positions: CAT takes the main joystick (forward right), LISTER the communications and navigation (forward left). RIMMER takes short-range sensors (rear left), and KRYTEN takes shipboard systems and long-range sensors (rear, right). LISTER Where? (CONTINUED) 6. "Legion" 4 CONTINUED: 4 CAT It's not on the radar yet - but I can smell it. RIMMER Nothing here. KRYTEN Nothing on long-range. Sir, is it possible you could have made a mis-smelling? CAT Listen, butter-pat head, my nostril-hairs are vibrating faster than the springs on a spaniard's honeymoon bed! I'm telling you, there's something out there! KRYTEN Don't get your double-helix in a strict! No- one's questioning your nasal integrity. RIMMER Go to blue alert. LISTER What for? There's no-one to alert - we're all here. RIMMER I would just feel more comfortable if I know that we're all on our toes 'cos everyone's aware it's a blue-alert situation. LISTER We all are on our toes. RIMMER May I remind you all of Space Core Directive 34124? KRYTEN 34124. "No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity". RIMMER Damn you both, all the way to Hades! I want to go to Blue Alert! (CONTINUED) "Legion" 7. 4 CONTINUED: 4 LISTER Ok, ok. LISTER presses a button. The "Alert" box on the wall starts to flash blue. RIMMER Thank you. A bit of professionalism. KRYTEN Wait! I've got something - I'm punching it up. 5 Model Shot. 5 We see a view of an orange, comet-like thing speeding through space 6 Int. Cockpit. 6 LISTER Too small for a vessel... maybe some kind of missile. KRYTEN It's impossible to tell at this range. Whatever it is, they clearly have a technology way in advance of our own! LISTER So do the Albanian State Washing Machine Company. RIMMER Step up to red alert! KRYTEN Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb. RIMMER There's always some excuse, isn't there? LISTER Range15,000 Gigooks and closing. KRYTEN Direct collision course. Suggest evasive action! (CONTINUED) 8. "Legion" 6 CONTINUED: 6 CAT Engaging re-heat. 7 Model Shot. 7 They dodge. 8 Int. Cockpit. 8 LISTER It's still with us! It's some kind of heat- seeker - we can't outrun it! CAT That's it! We're deader than tank-tops! RIMMER Suggestions? KRYTEN Sir? May I recommend I load myself into the reverse-thrust tubes and you use my body as decoy-fodder? This will, of course leave me splattered across deep space and unable to complete today's laundry, for which I apologise in advance. RIMMER Kryten, stop your blathering and get in the damn tube. LISTER Kryten, sit down! I'm not doing me own smeggin' ironing. RIMMER Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. LISTER does so. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 9. 8 CONTINUED: 8 RIMMER This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. LISTER Rimmer, you've got a longer yellow streak than a stampede of diuretic camels. RIMMER Know this about me: like General George S. Patton, I believe in reincarnation. It is my firm conviction that in all my previous lives I've been a soldier, a bold warrior soul, (he stands up) who tragically in this incarnation has been given the body of an abject coward. So excuse me, gentlemen, while I have a humiliating panic attack under the scanner table. He scampers aft. CAT Here it comes! LISTER Five Gigooks to impact - hang onto your wage packets. 9 Model Shot. 9 The missile hits them. Immediately, Starbug is enclosed in a sphere made up of hundreds of points interconnected by glowing lines - much like a computer generated model of a Buckminsterfullorene molecule. 10 Int. Cockpit. 10 Inside the cockpit, the lighting has turned red. CAT The controls are down! (CONTINUED) 10. "Legion" 10 CONTINUED: 10 RIMMER, satisfied that they are still alive, re-enters the cockpit. RIMMER What on Io was that? KRYTEN Some kind of suction beam. We're being dragged down. LISTER Fire up the retros. CAT Dead. LISTER Auxilliary power? CAT Dead. LISTER Joystick? CAT Dead. Aw, the entire panel's deader than A- line flares with pockets in the knees! KRYTEN I've located the beam's source. I'm punching it up. 11 Model Shot. 11 We see a view of Starbug being pulled towards an intricate, graceful space station. Waves of energy are pulsing out from a hanger bay about halfway up the station's main axis. As they reach the net surrounding Starbug, they exapnd, flowing around the net on all sides. The energy waves are wafting Starbug towards the hangar. 12 Model Shot. 12 (CONTINUED) "Legion" 11. 12 CONTINUED: 12 Starbug, surounded by the net, is landed in the hangar. It is of a rather curious design: A rather pleasing white marble decor, with at least one free-form sculpture prominently displayed on the black-and-white checked floor. The net vanishes. 13 Int. Mid-Section. 13 RIMMER So what have we got? LISTER Well, it seems we were snared by some kind of malfunctioning guidance beam. (He sounds a little indignant.) Designed to help docking supply ships. We've shut it down, and we're free to leave. CAT Anyone around? LISTER No life signs, nothing. KRYTEN The ident computer is stubborn as a mule. All I could get from its pesky little ROM was something about classified military research. Wouldn't give me any details. But listen to some of the physicists involved - Heideger, Davro, Holder, Quayle - some of the most brilliant minds of the 23rd century. Whatever they were cooking up here it must have been something pretty special. RIMMER Hmm. Anything we can salvage? LISTER There must be something we can swipe. RIMMER Well gentlemen, our strategy is clear. Let's tool up and go shopping! 14 Int. Station Corridor. 14 (CONTINUED) 12. "Legion" 14 CONTINUED: 14 They enter the station. It looks like the inside of a shopping mall - clean, almost antiseptic, stylish. KRYTEN is wielding the psi-scan: it emits a soft, regular beeping. They aren't far in when CAT pauses, sniffing. LISTER What? anything? CAT I'm not sure. Something. A strange mist swirls around and past them. None of them appear to notice it. CAT It's almost off my nasal spectrum. The mist curls upwards onto a higher level, where it coaleasces into a humanoid figure. It watches them approach. The beeping from the psi-scan becomes more rapid, until it merges into a single note. KRYTEN Strange - a life reading. RIMMER Why didn't it register before? The stranger descends in a lift. He is clad in a gold bodysuit, with a silver chest-pack and facemask. STRANGER Welcome, my friends. It has been many centuries since I last had visitors. He turns to KRYTEN. STRANGER You, of course, are Kryten. He shakes KRYTEN's hand, then turns to face RIMMER. STRANGER And you are Rimmer, the hologram. May I? (CONTINUED) "Legion" 13. 14 CONTINUED: 14 Be fore RIMMER can react, he reaches in and grabs RIMMER's light bee. RIMMER immediately fades as the light-bee tries to continue projecting him, but at a greater range. He vanishes altogether as the stranger switches the light bee off, and examines it closely. He opens it... STRANGER Now then. ... and removes a few metres of wire, whilst muttering: STRANGER Yes, of course. Primitive. So basic. He replaces it with a thimble sized unit, which rattles inside the otherwise near-empty casing, and switches it back on. He lobs the light-bee towards RIMMER's last location. RIMMER reappears there, as before, but now his jacket is blue. He pauses for a moment to catch his breath. RIMMER You'd better have a mighty damn fine explanation for what you've just done, miladdio. STRANGER Forgive me. I merely converted your projection unit from soft light to hard light. RIMMER Hard light? (He pats himelf, unconvinced. LISTER prods him.) I've got a body? I can touch? (He touches LISTER's shoulder, tentatively.) feel? KRYTEN Puncture repair kit on standby, sir. RIMMER But how? (CONTINUED) 14. "Legion" 14 CONTINUED: 14 STRANGER I created the hard-light drive many years ago. My mind is not all that it once was. You, my friend, are Lister. LISTER How come you know who we all are? STRANGER You are in pain. Here. He touches a spot on his stomach. LISTER No, just a bit of Bangalore Belly. STRANGER No. It is something more serious. May I? LISTER Okay. LISTER opens his jacket and shirt. The stranger uses a scalpel-like device to slice a neat, painless, bloodless slit in LISTER's stomach. He reaches inside, and takes out... STRANGER Your appendix. As I thought, you were on the verge of peritonitis. He then hands the appendix to LISTER. LISTER Cheers, man. STRANGER And you are the Cat. CAT You come anywhere near me, buddy, you'll be wearing them bowels as a bobble hat. STRANGER You're all tired and in need of nourishment. Come, let us dine. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 15. 14 CONTINUED: 14 RIMMER (Obsequiously.) What is your name? STRANGER Call me... Legion. 15 Int. Dining Room. 15 LEGION leads them into a dining room full of exquisite art objects. Soft harpsichord music plays in the background. LEGION Please, make yourselves comfortable. KRYTEN Legion... these statues. You sculpted them yourself? LEGION Years ago. I was... a different person, then. KRYTEN Well, according to my connoiseur chip, they fulfill all ten requirements for being masterpieces. RIMMER You're have a connoiseur chip? KRYTEN Just because I look like Herman Munster's stunt man doesn't mean to say I can't appreciate art, sir! LEGION I shall return with the feast. RIMMER Can I eat? I mean, in this body, is it possible? LEGION Mr. Rimmer, in a hard-light body, you can do anything a human can do, with the added bonus that you are practically indestructible. (CONTINUED) 16. "Legion" 15 CONTINUED: 15 RIMMER I can't be hurt!? LEGION You're pleasure and pain responses remain the same, but you cannot come to harm. Excuse me. As LEGION leaves to prepare them their feast, RIMMER bows to him smarmily. LISTER flops down in one of the chairs and puts his feet up on the table. CAT, ill at ease, also sits. KRYTEN (Putting down the psi-scan.) His cellular structure is unique! Genetic strands I've never seen before. Part living tissue, part mechanical. RIMMER (Leaning forward against the back of a chair.) We've got to persuade him to come with us. He'd get us back to Earth in weeks! And what a team we'd make. Legion, with his scientific genius, intellect, culture and sophistication, and us with... (He stops abruptly, realising that his scheme has hit a slight snag.) With... LISTER With our red alert bulb. Let's flag down a black cab and head for Real Street here. This Johnny won't come with us. He'd never fit in. Can you see him joining in on our late-night sessions of "pin the pointy stick on the weather girl"? RIMMER True... but once he's signed up and we're off in the Big Black it'll be too late for him to change his mind. All we have to do is create the facade that we're not the uncouth morons you are. Just then the door opens, signaling LEGION's return. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 17. 15 CONTINUED: 15 LEGION Here is the feast. It is a traditional 24th century Mamosian banquet. RIMMER goes into "obsequious prick" mode with a vengeance, as KRYTEN starts serving the food. RIMMER How absolutely divine, Legion. (pronounced with a French accent.) Although I must say, our souls are already gorged fit to burst with the feast of art laid out on your walls. LEGION (Faintly amused) I wasn't aware you had an interest in art, Mr Rimmer? RIMMER Many's a night we while away the wee hours contemplating a Caravaggio, discussing its shape, themes and form. CAT The pointy-stick game doesn't get a look-in anymore. RIMMER Hmm. Marvelous. (Crosses over to a small, angular box near the door.) Now this three-dimensional sculpture in particular is quite exquisite. Its simplicity, it's bold, stark lines... pray, what do you call it? LEGION The light switch. RIMMER The light switch. (In "Gazpacho Soup" tones) LEGION Yes. RIMMER I couldn't buy it, then? (CONTINUED) 18. "Legion" 15 CONTINUED: 15 LEGION Not really. I need it to turn the lights on and off. RIMMER (Trying to salvage some pride) It's a pity, 'cos if it wasn't a l-light switch i-in many ways it could be considered a-a masterpiece. They cross to the table. LEGION Kryten, please join us. Mamosian cuisine is quite acceptable for mechanoids. KRYTEN Indeed. It has long been a dream of mine to sample its unique flavours. LEGION Let the meal begin. He disconnects the breathing-tube from the moth-hole on his mask. the others, meanwhile, are investigating the cutlery. There are no knives or forks: instead, each person has two strange devices, which look rather like an egg-whisk that's been mated with a model of an ethanol molecule. Seeing their confusion, Legion speaks up: LEGION I'm sorry. Of course. Not all of you can use Mamosian anti-matter chopsticks. He switches his chopsticks on for a few seconds. They rotate, giving off an electrical hum. KRYTEN I'm fully versed, Legion. For my cooking duties, I'm programmed to be proficient in all known off-world eating techniques, including Jovian Boogle Hoops, and the often- lethal Mercurian Boomerang Spoon. LEGION But the others. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 19. 15 CONTINUED: 15 The aforementioned others are holding their anti-matter chopsticks. they grin weakly. LISTER Antimatter chopsticks? We use them all the time. CAT Can't even remember what a fork looks like. RIMMER Don't let a few congealed custard stains down Lister's long-johns delude you into thinking we're not sophisticates. They switch on their chopsticks. A blob of food rises from it's plate and, under the guidance of Legion's chopsticks, crosses the table to his mouth, while the uncouth morons watch in barely-concealed amazement. KRYTEN The trick is, of course, to never, ever, under any circumstances, to allow live sticks to touch - but of course we all know that. KRYTEN uses his own chopsticks to pick up what looks like a birds-nest. He is clearly not as expert as Legion: the food wobbles in mid-air, forcing him to chase it around with his mouth. RIMMER Well, bon appetite. Tuck in, Listy. LISTER No, no, after you, man. RIMMER Wouldn't hear of it. LISTER tries to use the chopsticks on the dish in front of him. He's doing pretty well - bar the small detail that he has got food from a plate other than the one he was aiming for - until, that is, he tries to take a bite. He loses control of the sticks, and the food shoots off to the right... and lands on RIMMER's face. (CONTINUED) 20. "Legion" 15 CONTINUED: 15 KRYTEN (Softly.) Sir, you're creating a reverse field. Try and keep the electron flow in the same direction. CAT, meanwhile, is having a different problem. His food is two feet above his head, and his chopsticks are pointed straight at it. CAT How do you land the damn stuff? KRYTEN (Quietly) Simply invert the ionic phase in the downpulse of the field margin. CAT I was with you all the way up to "simply". KRYTEN Like so. He intervenes with his own chopsticks. Between them, he and CAT manage to land the food... on RIMMER's shoulder. As RIMMER glares at them, KRYTEN notices LISTER tugging futilely at his wineglass. KRYTEN (Urgent whisper) Sir, the glass is fixed to the table. It's Mamosian telekinetic wine. LISTER So how do you drink it? KRYTEN You simply will the liquid into your mouth, and then you telepathically decide on its flavour. Thusly: He turns his attention to the glass before him. The liquid within jets straight into his mouth in a thin stream. KRYTEN sucks for a few seconds, then sits back with a sigh. KRYTEN Ah. Delicious. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 21. 15 CONTINUED: 15 LISTER gives it a go. He squints hard at the glass, and sucks. The liquid jets from the glass in a thick stream, and hits him in the face. LISTER Kryten! Help me! KRYTEN concentrates, and the jet stops, leaving LISTER gasping for air. He notices LEGION watching him and gives a sickly grin. Meanwhile, CAT and RIMMER are having a slight disagreement... RIMMER (Through a mouthful of food) Cat, that's mine! CAT is struggling to control his chopsticks, which are pointed straight at the food in RIMMER's mouth. The food is being pulled towards them, causing RIMMER's cheek to bulge. CAT I can't help it, bud! Somehow we've crossed wavelengths! RIMMER It feels like you're pulling my teeth out! CAT Try swallowing it! RIMMER I have - three times! Abruptly, the food leaves RIMMER's mouth. It shoots past CAT's chopsticks, and glossops against one of LEGION's paintings. LEGION My friends, I sense you are trying to impress me. There really is no need. (CONTINUED) 22. "Legion" 15 CONTINUED: 15 RIMMER Legion: may I be frank? It's not often we meet an individual who we feel could improve our already pretty damn fine top-notch team. But in you, we feel we have. In all our travels, we have met precisely thirty-one individuals: three one. And we have never felt moved to invite a single one to join our crew. True, most of them wanted in some way to suck out our brains, or erase us from history altogether. Nevertheless, they still weren't what we would consider The Right Stuff. We feel that you are different. We feel that you, like us, have the courage and the dignity it takes to make it as a Dwarfer. Satisfied with his speech, RIMMER sits back and starts to cross his... KRYTEN Sir! Don't cross the chopsticks! All the food on the table starts to tremble. All at once, it lifts into the air and hurls itself at RIMMER. When the barrage finally stops, RIMMER is completely covered in food. LEGION Mr Rimmer, I am moved by the eloquence of your invitation, but it is quite impossible for me to leave the confines of the institute. RIMMER It was Lister, wasn't it? He put you off. KRYTEN Is there nothing we can do to change your mind? LEGION Absolutely. KRYTEN Then I'm afraid we must bid you farewell. We have a long journey ahead of us. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 23. 15 CONTINUED: 15 LEGION Nonsense. You have no journey at all, my friends. I insist you stay here with me. You will be my honoured guests - from now until the day you die. RIMMER wipes the food from his face, and sighs. RIMMER Thirty-two. 16 Int. Bedroom. 16 LEGION leads LISTER into a bedroom. Posters cover the walls, and loud (Rastabilly?) music plays on the juke- box. On the bed is a steel guitar, and in one corner of the room is a fridge. LEGION This will be your cell, Dave. LISTER My cell. You really are a nutter, aren't you? LISTER crosses over to the table. On the table-top is a wine bottle in a bucket of ice and a covered tray. LISTER investigates the bubbly, then lifts up the cover of the tray. LISTER Sugar Puff Sandwiches? Me favourite! LEGION I think you will find nothing here that isn't to your liking. The entire room is stocked for your own unique personal tastes and requirements. LISTER examines the interior of the fridge. LISTER Two dozen eight-packs and a spare pair of sneakers in the ice-box. Faultless! Not an inch wasted. He closes the fridge and flops down on the bed. (CONTINUED) 24. "Legion" 16 CONTINUED: 16 LEGION All your favourite music, all your favourite movies. Absolutely no Doug McClure. You will want for nothing. LISTER Nothing? What about company? What about people? LEGION There is a cyberpark in the complex. You may go to any time-period of your choosing, and indulge any fantasy you wish, with any persons you desire. LISTER And that's in some way supposed to make me happy? (pause) S-sorry, run that by me one more time? LEGION You will meet your companions in the morning. (He sags slightly.) Now, you must excuse me they are falling asleep. (Straightening up.) I must go. LEGION leaves quickly. LISTER picks up the guitar and strums it experimentally. The noise is awful. LISTER Amazing. Doesn't even need tuning! 17 Int. Dining Room. 17 Next morning, they all gather for breakfast in the dining room. RIMMER is the last to arrive. KRYTEN Good morning, sir. RIMMER What does he want from us? Why is he so obsessed with fulfilling our every desire? (CONTINUED) "Legion" 25. 17 CONTINUED: 17 KRYTEN We're all equally baffled, sir. Was your room like everyone else's - perfect in every detail? RIMMER Impeccable. Right down to the overstarched pyjamas and nocturnal boxing gloves. What about you? KRYTEN Filthy walls, mud-streaked floors, mop and bucket... I was in Hog's Heaven, sir! LISTER When I finally get round to writing my Good Psycho Guide, this place is gonna get raves. Accomodation - excellent. Food - first class. Resident nutter - courteous and considerate. Psycho rating's gotta be four and a half chainsaws. Higher, maybe. KRYTEN Sirs, we must not be seduced by all this fine living. However munificent our captor, we are still prisoners. And with every second that passes, we lose yet more ground on Red Dwarf. LISTER You're right, Kryten. Cat, caviar niblet. CAT passes him the requested foodstuffs. LISTER stands, places one foot on a chair, and addresses his troops. LISTER Bucks fizz. CAT passes him the jug, and LISTER pours himself a drink. LISTER Let's talk about how to get out of this hellhole. CAT What do we know about this Johnny? And why is he so keen on keeping us happy? (CONTINUED) 26. "Legion" 17 CONTINUED: 17 KRYTEN Is it possible that our well-being is in some way linked to his own? LISTER (Refilling his glass) What? You mean like he's feeding off our emotions? KRYTEN Remember when we arrived, the scans recorded no life signs. Is it possible that our very presence here has in some way inadvertently awoken him? LISTER looks up from his examination of a large, white, vaguely woman-shaped sculpture. He grins. LISTER Wait a minute... I think I've got a way of getting out of here. Has anyone ever seen "Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"? KRYTEN I think that one slipped us by, sir. LISTER Well, there's this one scene where the good- looking unconventional female journalist who wore glasses and a tight sweater was trapped, deep in the bosom of the surfboarding killer bikini vampire girls' lair, and she came up with this truly award-winning escape plan... 18 Int. The Dining Room. 18 LEGION enters the dining room. KRYTEN, CAT and RIMMER are sitting at the table, smiling in a fakey sort of way. In the chair facing away from the door is a sculpture, dressed in LISTER's hat and jacket. LISTER is standing behind the door, holding a heavy-looking objet d'art - the sculpture he was examining whilst forming his plan - over his head. RIMMER Ah. Legion. We have considered our position, and have decided our best option is to make a new life here with you. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 27. 18 CONTINUED: 18 LEGION You truly believed I would be deceived by that schlock plan from "Revenge Of The Surfboarding Killer Bikini Vampire Girls"?! With a single backhand blow he knocks the statue from the seat. LISTER tosses the sculpture onto LEGION. The impact knocks off the facemask. LEGION's face is a nightmare. A silver "H" on his forehead, moulded plastic curves, fangs and a mismatched eyes: one mechanoid, one human. LEGION I just want you to be happy! LEGION sends LISTER flying. As LISTER slides the length of the table, the others stand and lift their food and drink. LISTER tumbles off the far end of the table and bangs his head off the wall. LEGION snarls and turns to face his guests. As he does so, his face alters, shifting and rearranging. It is now made up of the parts of three faces, not four. LEGION Now look what you made me do. LISTER then regains consciousness with a groan. LEGION's face shifts again, to what it had been before. CAT What the hell are you, buddy? LEGION (Replacing his mask.) Kryten knows. KRYTEN I do? LEGION You suspect the truth. KRYTEN You mean that you are a gestalt entity, not a single creature but a combination of individuals melded together to form one? LEGION "My name is Legion, for we are many" (CONTINUED) 28. "Legion" 18 CONTINUED: 18 LISTER sits up. LISTER What - you're us? All four of us? Our combined minds and personalities, blended together? LEGION Oh, but much more than that, exponentially more. The whole becomes far greater than the sum of its parts. RIMMER So we can't leave because you're us? You're created from us? If we leave, you cease to be. LEGION Without you, my friends, I am quite literally nothing. CAT So if he's us, he can't hurt us, right? CAT attempts to shimmy past LEGION, who proves him wrong by knocking him the length of the table. CAT winds up in the lap of LISTER, who is still sitting where LEGION knocked him. CAT Wrong. KRYTEN But this is insane. Hurting us is hurting yourself. Our pain is your pain. LEGION Kryten, you forget. Not only do I possess your combined intellects and memories, I also share the sum of your malice and rage and anger, magnified many times. I'm capable of quite insanely irrational behaviour. Watch. LEGION places his left hand flat on the table. He then takes the scalpel in his right hand, and stabs himself in the back of his hand. The others all react to the terrible pain that they, too, are now feeling. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 29. 18 CONTINUED: 18 LEGION The next hint of insurrection, and the scalpel ends up... here (holding the scalpel to his scrotum) KRYTEN Legion, that kind of tough talk doesn't scare us. OTHERS Yes it does! LISTER But what about the sculptures and the masterpieces and the technology? Where does that come from? LEGION My first incarnation. I was host to the five most brilliant minds of their generation. They were experimenting in collective intelligence. I was the product of that research. KRYTEN Heideger, Quayle and the others - the composite of their genius? Your mind must have been extraordinary! LEGION But all too soon old age began to kill them, and as each one died, I became less, until I was nothing, just a mindless essence swirling around the remnants of my acheivements, waiting to exist again. CAT There's just one thing that still baffles me. RIMMER What's that? CAT Everything. KRYTEN (To LISTER) Sir, permission to test a supposition.. (CONTINUED) 30. "Legion" 18 CONTINUED: 18 LISTER Granted. KRYTEN trust me, sir. KRYTEN picks up a chair, and uses it to clobber LISTER over the head. As LISTER hits the floor, out cold, LEGION removes his mask. The elements of LEGION's face which came from LISTER vanish. Curiously, LEGION makes no move to intervene. KRYTEN approaches CAT. CAT What's going down here? KRYTEN The gestalt requires our consciousness in order to exist. Therefore, as each of us becomes unconscious, his power diminishes. Permission to lay you out, sir? CAT Do what you gotta, but don't mess up my hair. KRYTEN Thank you. KRYTEN lays CAT out, then approaches RIMMER. The yellow goit backs away. KRYTEN walks towards him. As he does so, he picks up a large blue vase and hides it behind his back. RIMMER Kryten, there has to be a more effective escape plan than this. KRYTEN Sir, come back. You're just delaying the inevitable. RIMMER I can't help it: I'm allergic to being hit. KRYTEN (Shifting his grip on the vase.) You won't feel a thing. I'll render you unconcious using the Ionian Nerve Grip. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 31. 18 CONTINUED: 18 RIMMER tenses up, closes his eyes and grits his teeth. KRYTEN pinches him on the shoulder... then smashes him over the head with the vase. RIMMER That's not an Ionian Nerve Grip! That's smashing me over the head with a vase! KRYTEN There's no such thing as an Ionian Nerve Grip. Now stand still while I hit you! He picks up a platter, and uses it to what RIMMER over the head. RIMMER staggers, but doesn't go down. KRYTEN Your hard-light drive's tougher than vindalooed mutton! KRYTEN looks for a possible weapon. He spots one, and points to it. KRYTEN This'll do the trick. He rips the heavy-looking pipe free from the wall. RIMMER You can't be serious! Thump! RIMMER Harder! THUMP! RIMMER HARDER! THUMP!!!! RIMMER HARDER!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!! THUMP!!!! RIMMER Stop! Stop! STOP! (CONTINUED) 32. "Legion" 18 CONTINUED: 18 He staggers slightly and shakes his head. RIMMER Oh, for God's sake! If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself! He walks over to a nearby wall and starts thumping his head against it while KRYTEN strikes him from behind with the pipe. Bash! Thump! Bash! Thump! Bash! Thump! RIMMER STOP! KRYTEN continues hitting him. RIMMER STOP, Kryten! Clearly this is not working. I'm a hard-light hologram, and as such un- knockoutable. KRYTEN Hmm. I think you're right, sir. THUMP! RIMMER Kryten! KRYTEN I'm sorry, sir. I just thought that if I took you unawares... THUMP! RIMMER Kryten!! I'm trying to think, you rubber- headed eunuch! (Thinks) Right, got it. Turn off my light-bee. KRYTEN I can't, sir. I can't penetrate hard light. You'll have to extract it yourself. (CONTINUED) "Legion" 33. 18 CONTINUED: 18 RIMMER presses one hand to his stomach. His face twists with the effort... and he vanishes. KRYTEN turns to face LEGION, as the elements of RIMMER's features vanish from LEGION, and he comes to resemble only KRYTEN. KRYTEN Now we are even. LEGION I am merely you. Stalemate. KRYTEN Not so. Since the only ingredients in your psyche are mine, you are now incapable of malice. And because a human life takes precedent over the life of any mechanical, you are in fact compelled to assist our safe passage to Starbug. LEGION As long as the others remain unconscious, your logic is impeccable. LISTER stirs and starts to wake up. Still watching LEGION, KRYTEN lifts his head and bounces it off the floor. KRYTEN You take the Cat, I'll take Mr. Lister. LEGION In many ways I am relieved. To have shared their psyches, their neuroses, their strange drives: returning to a limbo state of non- existence seems like promotion. KRYTEN One last thing: in your original incarnation, when you were composed of all those great minds, did you ever develop anything which might assist our pursuit of Red Dwarf? 19 Model Shot. 19 Starbug departing Legion's Space Station. 20 Int. Starbug Engine Room. 20 (CONTINUED) 34. "Legion" 20 CONTINUED: 20 Later, in Starbug, they all gather around LEGION's invention, which is bolted to the floor of the Engine Room. It is a strange contraption, rather like a three foot high silver spinning top in a metal framework. KRYTEN Here we go: initiating ignition sequence. LISTER Is this gonna work? KRYTEN Well, I see no reason why not, sir. All tests bear out, it is indeed a fully functional stardrive. If we've linked it correctly to the Bug's existing engines, we'll be able to catch up with Red Dwarf in a matter of nanoseconds! LISTER Yeah, but it's bound to go wrong, isn't it? KRYTEN Sir? RIMMER It always does for us, every time. CAT He's right! There isn't a dog in hell's chance this stardrive is actually gonna work. KRYTEN Sirs, haven't we learned over the past two days that if we all pull together we can become greater than the sum of our parts. That if we are of one mind and one intent, there are no boundaries to what we can acheive. This stardrive is going to work: do we believe? OTHERS (Zero percent enthusiasm) We believe. KRYTEN Do. We. Believe? (CONTINUED) "Legion" 35. 20 CONTINUED: 20 OTHERS (With just a little annoyance.) We believe. They switch it on. The stardrive starts to glow and spin. As its rate of spin increases, it starts to rise. Higher... higher... the cables connecting it to the engines part one by one in pyrotechnic showers of sparks as the stardrive takes off and flies around the engine room, finally crashing out through the hull. As they are being sucked towards the gaping hole: KRYTEN Well, we know one thing, sir! RIMMER What's that? KRYTEN It does work! The End