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Retards Mission Statement
of Invincibility
as Understood by
Brother W'h'eezer Wilco
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Retard:
"The animal is nocturnal in habits and has an unearthly cry.
Retards can be found solitary or in packs. They sleep and rest by day,
lying up and resting in bushes. At dawn and at dusk the whole pack wails
in chorus. They do not bark like dogs."
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HOW IS THE GAME PLAYED?
DOES THE WINNER GET THE OTHER GUYS
SLACK?
As a Retard, I don't want to take anyone
else's. I've found that it's not a finite resource. Unless it's like "Monopoly"
slack. If that's the case, you can be RUTHLESS!
You think it's all about sex? Depending on your definition, slack can either
be sex, or something *better*.
But there are always people out after
YOUR slack. They
don't have that dorito view on it. Yes, friends, just around the corner,
someone LIES IN WAIT
to take what is not only YOURS
by the grace of whatever goddess, god, conduit to enlightenment and fulfillment,
appliance, late-night b-movie actress, coffee mug, dual-tube preamped effects
processor, lover, friend, both, cucumber salad, or Black Sabbath record
you have pledged your soul to at the moment, but THEY
also want to
TAKE what THEY
have the ability to make for themselves!
Ever been happy? Not just "nice day" happy.
Not just downhill on a rollercoaster happy. Not just "I got a raise" happy.
I mean ELATED!
I mean people see you being happy a mile away a full second before they
hear you being happy happy. I mean emitting light from the top of your
head that makes planes try to land in your driveway happy. Did you know
that there are normals, and even, I daresay some of your FELLOW
SUBGENII that would like nothing more than
to scarf down whatever "slack" brought you that happiness, ask for seconds,
and DARE to wonder
OUT LOUD if you
have a TOOTHPICK?
Is there a way to stop them? Is there a way to KEEP
YOUR SLACK and have the satisfaction of watching
those who would wrest it from your watering jowls BLEED
FROM THEIR EYES while their insides DISINTEGRATED?
Even their fancy store-bought slack can't save them from this SLAP
HAP HAP HAPPY TROLL. Think of this as one
of those chain-mail messages, only no money involved, no threats as to
your good fortune being ruined, nothing like that. You don't have to send
this to five of your friends/enemies/email spammer du jour. All
YOU have to do is learn to
LAUGH. LAUGH RIGHT IN THEIR FUCKING
FACES.
Not a smug laugh. Not a *mean* laugh. But a hap-happy
RETARD laugh,
that will either have them laughing with you OR
QUAKING IN THEIR PROVERBIAL FOOTWEAR! Do YOU
have what it takes to be a retard? I'll answer
for you:
THE ANSWER IS YES!
FREE YOUR INNER TARD! GIGGLE AT YOUR OWN SPIT!
MAKE TOYS WITH EXCREMENT! WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO, BY GODDESS, YOU
DO IT!!!!!
"But, W'h'eezer...where do we start?"
I hear you ask. That's a fine question. Some people have been so mired
in the search for slack, in it's many incarnations, that they have no idea
where to even start to look. And of course, you reading this means you've
turned to electronic means for at least part of it. Would you like to go
someplace where you can bask in electronic braindeath and STILL
enjoy yourself? Looking for that supplement where no caprice is too small,
no project of amusing and harmless deception is too grand? Wanna be able
to drool on yourself and not be mocked or scorned, but LAUDED?
Want to be able to talk about your filthiest sexual practices and most
embarassing moments with others who're at *least* as bad as you are?
Well come on down, fellow
Retard. We'd be glad to see you.
alt.conspiracy.retards
GIT ON THE BUS!!!
Wow, I had no idea I was going to say
all that. See? It's working.
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