********************************************** What else should I be All apologies . . . Every things my fault I'll take all the blame . . . ********************************************** My Fault Part 1 I shot her. I love her and I shot her. An accident, an accident, Big trouble, Pissed off. Why now? Mulder was consumed in his thoughts as he waited in the emergency room. You had to or they would have killed her. I killed her. I shot her. Only way, he had a knife to her throat, she told me to, begged me. I can't deny her anything. " Agent Mulder, Good work. How's your partner?" Mulder shrugged in response, he didn't trust his voice. No one not even Scully realized how much he loved her. I wish it was me in there, not her. I've caused her so much pain. My Fault she was abducted, My Fault she lost her sister my fault she got cancer, my fault she was infected with the alien virus, my fault her reputation is shot. My Fault she's not taken seriously anymore. My Fault. I should eat my gun right now, swallow the pain, give her happiness with one bullet. If she died, it was a definite. I couldn't continue without her. I need her, I thrive off her strength, courage, determination like a parasite. Why do they keep watching me? They must know what I'm thinking. Maybe I shouldn't have tried to kill myself immediately after I shot her. They have me on a secret suicide watch. They can't watch me every minute. Surprised they care, thought they'd want to finally be rid of Spooky Mulder. I shot her, just above the heart, got that punk right through the heart, dead on the spot. Scully, Scully I love you, why do you have to suffer? I wish I could have your pains, suffer for you. I can see her? Good. What am I going to say? I'm sorry? That would never do. I love you? She'd shrug it off. She pulls me to her with her eyes. I'm lost in them, I can't think, speak, just look at her, watch her. She reaches out to me, I need her touch, it strengthens me instantly. Tears form in my eyes at the touch of her skin, so cold. My tears splash her skin, raining on her sheets, drenching her being as I cleanse my soul. She places her hand on my head, and feels the bandage. Her eyes questioning, then angry, then understanding. "It wouldn't have worked Mulder. The only effective way to kill yourself is to put your gun in your mouth and shoot." I looked at her a rare thousand watt smile blinds me. I feel blessed having witnessed this rare event. " The one time you listen to me is when I tell you to shoot me, Why now?" She managed a soft chuckle. She's not mad, I 'm forgiven, redeemed. I don't deserve her. I never did and I never will. I feel her hand trying to remove my tears but, they are falling too hard and fast, saturating her fingertips. She continues to try streaking my face with my tears, and the essence of her touch. How she could still smell of Dawn and sunflowers. Fresh as rain, soothing, wiping away my pain with only her touch. I need her, she's the perfect drug. " What did Skinner say?" I was still absorbed in her touch, nuzzling her stationary hand with my face and hair. Her eyes locked on me tractor beams homing me in. I look up, and drown in her eyes, splash in her admiration. My tears drying on my face, the intensity of her gaze making me fidget. I was forgiven? I didn't misinterpret did I? She smiled at me, twice in 15 minutes, I should be a saint by now. I have seen a vision and her name is Scully. I dredge up a smile and we sit in comfortable silence till she falls asleep. I'll stay all night, and make sure she's safe. ************************************************************ Only bending when you break Only feeding when you're cold Only healing when you ache Only feeling when you don't ************************************************************ Part 2 I hope he comes today. He's been here everyday since the accident, of course he'll be here today, I'm going home today. Those soft hazel eyes gazing at me lovingly, sharing my pain. My fault. He almost killed himself. I should have known what it would do to him to shoot me. I couldn't imagine not being without him. Walking into that office and him not being there, his smell, chocolate and sunflower seeds. His presence, so familiar, so comforting. I knew he would be the first to come and see me. I needed to see him, draw from his warmth and understanding, thrive on his weakness like a parasite. No one, not even Mulder, understands how much I love him, how much I need him. My fault I almost robbed the world of him. Here he comes in my favorite none work Mulder gear, Black turtleneck, leather jacket and jeans. A dozen red roses and an I love you teddy bear, an I love you Teddy bear??? A quick look confirms it, those hazel eyes trying to hide the pleading hopeful look . Could it be that Mulder is in love with me too? Why haven't I ever considered the possibility? Have I come to believe the lies, the rumors? Built up a persona in my own mind of what I am according to the taunts? He throws me a flimsy excuse about being all out of over the hill and rolling. I permit a smile. Why do I make him work for a laugh? Why don't I laugh at his jokes more? He sits by my bed and we fall into another comfortable silence. Why now? I'll never know but I knew it was the right time, the only chance I would get, to let him know how I feel, to apologize for the pain I have caused him, ask his forgiveness. I slide my hand along his face. His sad eyes look slightly confused as I bring his face towards my lips. His hands rest on either side of my thighs, bringing him closer. Our lips touch, magical, light. I breathe in a breath of his essence, so sweet, so Mulder. Movement outside, need to pull away. A disappointed sigh escapes his lips as I pull from him. Good, he didn't want to stop either. Skinner approaches, he always seems so nervous around me and Mulder, I wonder why? Flowers? Nice arrangement of wild flowers. Handpicked? I laugh to myself imagining Skinner skipping through a field to pick flowers for me, whistling with an odd smile plastered on his face. I smile and say a respectful thank you sir. Skinner glances at the Roses and bear in my lap. Uh oh, his eyes linger on the I love you printed on the bear. Mulder didn't seem to notice the scrutiny and he continued gazing at me. My eyes drifted to him briefly, he flashed me a quick smile. Skinner was rambling on about something, all I could think was, if Mulder was going to stay at my place and look after me or would my mom insist on me coming to her place. Skinner leaves and Mulder gathers the mountains of cards, flowers, in the room and dumps them in a big shopping bag I hadn't noticed him bring in. Of course you didn't, you were mesmerized by the way his muscles moved in that tight turtle neck and how he could move in such tight jeans. I look at his hairline, it's there a little scar to remind us of what almost happened. I follow him to his car a large duffel bag lay across his backseat. I get in the car and eye it again, big yellow letters on the side spelling Mulder. " Basketball?" Mulder looked back at the duffel, " No, your mother wants me to stay with you to make sure you don't get into any trouble." The tone of his voice denoted there would be lots of trouble. As he pulled off, I thought, I love my Mom. ************************************************************ I'm thinking of your highness And crying long upon the loss I've found And on the plus and minus Zero chance of ever Turning this around ************************************************************ Part 3 It's my fault. I should never have sent them in. I should have sent more. They shouldn't have gone first. It's my fault she got hurt. Mulder had to shoot her, there was no other way. She would have been killed. Mulder almost killed her. He thought he had killed her, that's why he tried to shoot himself. He can't live without her, they love each other so much. It tore me apart to see that bullet rip through her, to see the look of agony and pain when he pulled the trigger. No one could ever know how much I love Dana Scully. So strong and vulnerable, so much like me, too much like me. I could never let her know my feelings while I was her boss. I could never let her know as long as she was in love with Mulder. There love is forever love, built on trust. I saw them kiss before I walked in, my hopes shattered in one touch of their lips. The looks, little touches, a bond unlike no other. I can't help but feel jealous, Mulder had the world, the meaning for living in his embrace. They heard me, I have to go in now. I handed her the flowers, no avoiding it now. She'd probably laugh at the notion that I actually hand picked them in the field behind my house. I babble on, it's obvious that I interrupted. They only had eyes for each other. I look at the other gifts, the ones she clutched in her hand caught my eye. I hope my glasses didn't steam up from my jealous rage. Two minutes sooner and maybe it would have been me she kissed, like she did in the elevator that day. She was just happy I could help her find Mulder, I should forget it but I can't. Her soft lips against mine, warm, so brief, it still lingers in my mind, does she think about it? Probably in a dream imagining Mulder in my place. I wonder how she tastes? I wonder if Mulder will even stop to think about it while he's jamming his tongue down her throat? Does she taste like she smells, sunshine and fresh-cut flowers? Would she laugh at me if I asked her out? I can't now, though they hide it well, it's clear they are lovers. If Mulder had killed himself, who would she have run to for comfort? Me? Would I be able to hold her in my arms, soothing her with my touch? Would she have fallen in love with me? I should have told her how I felt, now I'll never get the chance. Here they come hand in hand, trusting partners by day, lovers at night. I can't concentrate on what there saying. I find my eyes stuck in the crevice where her silk shirt meets the jacket. I throw in a few verbals and become lost in her eyes. A lucky loser. Smart, handsome and now he has Scully. At least I get to see her every day and if I get really needy I can call her into my office on a frivolous matter. Request time off for what??? No, I can't allow that, but I have no choice. No, I won't tell anyone. Best Man? Me? If only you knew. I agree and the smile on her face confirms the truth, the fact that I 'll never be able to tell her how I feel and it's all my fault.