The Weird, Strange World of Jade Fox Mulder by Mulderslady DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, wish they did. Only Jade Fox Mulder belongs to me. RATING: PG (DIES, Mulderclone revives me) CLASSIFICATION: S, Alternative Universe, H, MSR, MS married KEYWORDS: MSR, MS married, AU, and Humor (DIES again, Mulderclone breaks out defibs) SPOILERS: None URL: http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Capsule/5160/weird.html FEEDBACK: Please!!! at damacia@home.com ARCHIVE: Oh yeah, anywhere!! SUMMARY: Jade Fox Mulder writes a report about her life. Side Note: This is my first attempt at Humor. Please, have mercy on me. :0) 'My name is Jade Fox Mulder. This is my world and in my world things are weird.' She typed into her I-book. "Jade! If you want to go to the library, lets go!" her father yelled up the stairs. "Coming Pop!" she said, looking in the mirror frowning slightly. She chewed her pouty bottom lip as she tamed her wavy brown hair, subduing it behind her ears. Her glowing sapphire eyes examined her features, she had a fine facial structure like her mom, her dad's dark coloring, her mom's blue eyes, her dad's height. "I'm one good looking 14 year old." She said to her reflection as she grabbed her I-book and ran down the stairs. "How's your paper coming?" her father asked, grabbing his keys and walking out the door. "Poorly. I don't know why we have to write about ourselves. I write other people better." Her father smiled and unlocked his silver Toyota Celica. 1FlyRde his license plate read, describing it accurately. My Dad's a writer, he writes the Reticulan Chronicles, the most successful Sci-fi series since the Hobbit. Cause of his profession, he's also honorary house husband. My mom is a forensic pathologist for the FBI. She works at their academy in Quantico, were she is Chief path. She took me with her last summer, it was kind of gross. I'm so glad I inherited my Dad's talent for writing. "So what do you have to write about? Anything in particular?" "An aspect of my life. I had decided to do a mono log but . . ." "No ideas?" "Exactly." "How about something different." "Like what?" "How you got here." "Hopefully the natural way. One night, you and mom and several margaritas, have a little fun under the stars on a warm beach. Nine months later, I pop out and make your lives worth living." Mulder snort laughed "My queen . . ." he started "Your inspiration." Jade finished as he tucked her cowlick behind her ear and turned at the light. "But really, I mean how your mom and I met, it's as good a story as any." "Dad, I can't do that." "Why not? It's about you and your family. If time and unforeseen occurrences hadn't intervened, we never would have met, fallen in love, had a wild night in Hawaii so you could be sitting here in your dad's fly ride." Jade snort laughed "I'll think about it." Her father smiled and pulled into the parking lot of the library "I'll pick you up in an hour." He said as he waved bye and drove off. Another thing about my parents, they understand the rules. After age 13, don't go where I go unless asked. I guess they know the rules cause they're still relatively young. All my friends' parents were in there fifties, my dad JUST turned 40 this year, my mom 37, guess I'm lucky in a way. Loving parents that encourage me in every way AND they understand the rules, she thought as she walked into the library. 8 p.m. Jade watched her parents on the couch. Her father nuzzling his nose into her mom's neck. He said something softly to her and she laughed. "Mulder, your crazy." "Thank you." He said capturing her lips with his, inserting his tongue slightly, tasting her. Her mom brought her hand around, ruffling his soft hair as she deepened the kiss. They are so opposite. She's serious, he's lax. She's super organized, he's comfortably disorganized. So perfect for each other, but so vastly different. I have to know how they met, this will make a perfect paper. "Dad, I'm going to take you up on your offer. Tell me how you two met, and how I came to be." Jade said sitting on the floor in front of them, her I-book in her lap ready to type. "Well you already know how you came to be. Beach, moonlight, margaritas . . ." Mulder started, getting promptly elbowed it the ribs and given THE LOOK. "ok, Well as I told you before, if time and unforeseen circumstances hadn't come into play, we would have never met." ** Scully ran through the metro station. I can't be late, I can't miss this train. Come on I gotta make it, she thought as she pushed people out of the way and made it to the toll collector. She handed him her money and started through when, "Um ma'am you gave me a $1.25, the toll is $1.75 now." "Oh shoot! I . . NO! I don't have any more change. I don't have anymore money period! Please I have to make this train! If I don't make it I can kiss badly needed Scholarship money good bye!" "Likely story." "No please! I'll pay double tomorrow please?" "Ma'am I can't, you're holding up the line." Scully sighed in frustration. She was broke, she couldn't walk there in 15 minutes, and she had no money for a cab. A deep gravelly voice came from behind her. "Here's the extra 50 cents you nazi, and my fare too." Scully turned to look at the kind man and hardly stifled a gasp of surprise. He was gorgeous, tall, strong jaw supporting a pouty mouth, distinguished nose and mystical hazel eyes, his straight brown hair spiky unruly on his head. "Thank you." "Don't mention it." Scully ran onto the metro smiling. The man watched her from the opposite side of the car. She's so alluring, petite, naturally fire red hair, glowing sapphire eyes, porcelain skin, fine features. He garnered up the courage and sat next to her. "Hi." "Hey, thanks again." Scully said when she looked into mystical hazel eyes again. "What's your name?" "Dana, Dana Scully, what's yours?" "Don't laugh. Fox." Scully giggled slightly "You're kidding right?" "Nope Fox William Mulder, real name." "Mulder? I've heard that name before . . . do you write?" "Yeah, you could call it that." "That's right, my brother gave me the Reticulan war, you wrote that right?" "Yeah, don't remind me." "No, that was a really cool book. You should really think about revising it and turning it into a series." "I'll think about it. So where did you need to go so urgently?" "I have an interview for a paid internship at the Medical Examiners office." "Oh you're in med school?" "Yeah, 3rd year." "Really? How old are you?" She can't be a day over 20, he thought smiling at her captivated. She's even more enchanting up close. "21." "How in the . . ." "My secret." Scully said, smiling slightly. "What are you doing later tonight?" "Celebrating if I get this internship, sulking if I don't. Why you asking me out?" Scully teased "Yeah." Scully's smiled fell and she looked into his expressive liquid eyes. "You're kidding right?" "No, extremely serious. Dinner? Tonight?" "well ok, Here's my Number." Scully said jotting her phone number down on a piece of paper and handing it to him. He kissed the slip of paper and put it in his shirt pocket. Scully blushed furiously. "Here's my card, my number's on the back. Call me when you get in." "I will." Scully said, rising to get off at her stop ** "So ok Mom . . . you didn't have fare, dad paid, then you two hooked up from there? Where's the unforeseen occurrence?" "I never took the metro, but my motorcycle was stolen that morning and I needed to see my editor. It was coincidence that I was right behind your mom." Mulder said, kissing Scully lightly on the cheek. "Ok so, what happened next?" "What do you mean?" "You went out, then what?" "Well we hit it off and started dating. Your mom got the internship and I took her idea and turned the Reticulan war into the Reticulan Chronicles." "So you floated along, happy, happy, joy, joy?" "Well . . ." "What? No angst? No drama?" "Oh there was drama alright. I'll take over from here." Scully said, shifting and getting comfortable as she started. ** 1 year later Mulder buzzed with nervous energy as he approached her door, the 1st copy of the Reticulan Chronicles in his hand as he rang the bell. The special 1st edition copy, only 100 like this one. Talk about publicity, people have been drooling for a copy of this book for weeks. A tall red-haired man opened the door quickly, looking at Mulder quizzically. "Who are you?" he asked gruffly "Fox Mulder, is Dana home?" "Oh, so you're the culprit. Come here you little bastard!" he said, dragging Mulder in by the collar. "I'm sorry, but who are you?" Mulder asked politely, trying to catch his breath. "Her brother Bill, you're gonna pay big time for this." "Bill stop! Mulder you alright?" Scully said, pushing her brother off Mulder and looking at Mulder concerned. "Yeah I'm fine, nice meeting you Bill." Mulder said in a jovial tone, "Hey Dana." He said kissing her gently on the cheek. "I got you something you'll love." He said, handing her the book "Oh wow! You did it, you turned it into a series!" "Yep open it." Scully did and looked at the acknowledgement and gasped. "Mulder, you didn't?!" "You need to answer." She reread it again in shock 'Dedicated to my enchanting Dana, who gave me the inspiration. Will you marry me?' "Oh course I will Mulder. Are all the books like this?" "No, not all of them, just 100." She kissed him soundly on the lips and pulled away with a smile. "Where's my ring?" she teased as Mulder took it out of his jacket pocket and shakily put it on her finger. "WHAT?!! DANA!" Her brother squawked. "What are you yelling about Bill? Dana, we aren't finished with you yet." Bill grabbed Mulder by the jacket and drug him into the living room. "Got him! This is the guy right here, then he has the nerve to propose!" "Well it's the right thing to do considering." An older man with red hair said "Hello um, can someone tell me what's going on? I'm sorry we haven't met, I'm Fox William Mulder." "William Scully Sr., Dana's father. This is her mother Margaret and you've met Bill jr." "Yes sir. I'm sorry, I don't know why everyone's so upset. I mean . . . I just proposed did you . . .would you have preferred I ask you first sir?" Mulder asked genuinely confused. "I would have preferred you proposed before you knocked up our daughter! She has a promising career in medicine. A child is going to slow her down, maybe even halt her completely!" "Child? What . . . Dana?" Mulder said looking at her quizzically. "I'm pregnant Mulder, I . . . I was going to tell you today, but they came by and found the results and got a little upset." "A little? Your career, your life! Gone, thrown away!" Her father bellowed. "Your pregnant?" Mulder said with a smile "This is serious you punk! Wipe that grin off your face!" Bill jr. said, pushing him hard "How many weeks?" Mulder said ignoring Bill and everyone else. "6 weeks." "Wow! I . . . wow! We have to start planing the wedding right away then huh?" Mulder said grinning proudly at her, reaching for her. She fell into his arms and hugged him tightly. ** "So uncle Bill has always been a pain in the neck?" Jade asked as she finished typing. "Yep always." Mulder said, Scully nodded in agreement. "Well ok so you proposed via the 1st edition of the Reticulan series, found out she was pregnant with me, then what?" "We got married." "Yeah, but no drama at the wedding?" "Well just a little." "A little?! Yeah right!" Scully said starting in on the story ** "Does anyone have any objections to the union? Speak now or forever hold your peace." "You bastard!!" Mulder turned quickly "Phoebe?" "Phoebe? Who's phoebe?" Scully said with jealous indignation "Old girlfriend, really old girlfriend, like 1st year of college." Phoebe pulled out a gun and cocked it. "Oh jeez get down." Mulder said, pushing Scully down under the first row of pews. Screams abounded as the rest of the guests ran for cover. Phoebe fired a round at Mulder. "What about me? Huh? You think I could just forget?! You said you loved me you prick!" Mulder scrambled to his feet and ran to the opposite side of the pews. "Phoebe we were over years ago." He hissed at her, Phoebe aimed and fired, barely missing Mulder's head. She ran after him quickly, he sped back around toward the altar and stopped. Oh Shoot! Trapped! He thought as he turned to face certain death. "Well I got you where I want you now and I have only one more thing to say." She cocked the gun and placed it at his temple. "Congratulations!!!" She squealed as a shower of rice and balloons fell from the ceiling. "Huh?" "It's about time you settled down." Mulder smiled and burst into laughter. "God, you were always too dramatic Phoebe." "Yeah, but the look of fear and panic on your face was unforgettable. You got a good one Dana." "Thanks." Scully said crawling from under the pew and dusting herself off. The priest poked his head from around the altar and asked, "Any more objections?" ** Jade rolled on the floor, hugging her stomach as she laughed hard. "God that was priceless. I bet you almost peed your pants Dad." "Almost." Scully said with a smile "I did not!" Mulder denied vehemently "Whatever." "OK so you have the wedding." Jade said giggling a little more, "then what?" "We had you." "Ok spill. I can't wait to hear this one." ** "Mulder? My water broke" "We'll get the plumber to fix it tomorrow." "Mulder. Did you hear me? I said my water broke. I'm having the baby." Mulder bolted awake and scrambled to his feet. "Oh god, ok, ok. Call your doctor, stuffs in the car. I need socks and shoes." Mulder said getting his socks on, slipping on a pair of sneakers when Scully sat on the ground suddenly. "No, no honey, in the car come on." Mulder said trying to pick her up "Dana? Honey? Need some help here, you're a little heavy darling." "Mulder, I'm having the baby now!" "Now? What do you mean now?!" "Look" "I'm not looking down there!" "Oh please it's nothing you haven't seen before!" Mulder peeked and saw the top of the baby's head. "AIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! There's a head down there!" "Yeah I know!" "Oh god! Is that right?!" "No not this soon." Mulder picked up the phone and dialed 911. "911 can I help . . . " "HEEEEELLLPPPPP!!!!!!! My wife's having a baby in the middle of our bedroom floor." "Excuse me?" Mulder took a deep breath "My name's Fox Mulder, my wife said her water broke and now the baby's head is . . . it's . . ." "Crested." Scully injected. "Crested. Thank you honey." "Oh my ok, well um, we're sending an ambulance to your address Mr. Mulder, but your going to have to deliver this baby yourself." "What!" "Your going to . . ." "No way! I'm a writer, not an OBGYN!!" "AHH!! Mulder, she's coming!" Scully screamed as she pushed a little "Oh boy, ok what do I do?" "Get some towels, scissors and a turkey baster." Mulder ran and got the items "Ok got'em now what?" "Have your wife push, then suction the baby's mouth and nose with the turkey baster." "Ok, Push Dana, come on push." "I'm trying damn you!" "Take a deep breath, come on baby like your pushing a car!" "I'm gonna kill you Fox Mulder!" "Later sweetie, I promise. Her heads out!" "Ok suction." The phone operator said between giggles, " God, you should hear these two Beth, they are hilarious! Must be their first baby." She said to another operator, she snapped back to attention when she heard the baby squeal. "Dang she sounds like a stuck pig. Come on Dana push!" Mulder said, holding the baby's head gently in his hands. Scully pushed hard one more time and the baby came out. "Oh wow! Now that was cool!" "Cool?! If I wasn't so sore and tired, I'd choke the life out of you Boy!" "I love you too baby, ok now what?" "Cut the cord about 2 or 3 cm from the baby's stomach." "Ok done, now what?" "Wrap her up and give her to her mom." "We're done?" "Yeah, your wife will just be pushing out after birth for a few minutes till the paramedics . . ." "No way! This is new carpet!! That's it, into the tub with you right now!" The operator started giggling again. "Mulder?!" "No way, $400 carpet! In the tub! After birth on my floor, you must be crazy. Man she's ugly." "Mulder! Give me my daughter!" Scully said, climbing into the tub. "I'm just making an observation. At least she has lots of hair" "Well how pretty are you going to look after being squeezed through something the size of an orange?" "Mr. Mulder?" the operator said when she was semi recovered from her laughing fit "Yeah hello? Hey everything's fine now, thank you. The paramedics just pulled up." ** Jade rolled on the floor holding her stomach as she laughed hysterically. "Oh god, oh Dad, Oh OW, oh man. " She said as she tried to calm her laughter. "Ok, ok." she said, calming a little, still giggling between breaths. "Ok I think that's enough. I don't think I can handle anymore tonight. This paper is going to be the best Thanks!" "Anytime Baby doll night." Mulder said as they kissed her quickly on either cheek. Jade ran up the stairs to edit. She chewed her lip slightly as she thought of the perfect sentence to end her paper. She smiled devilishly and started typing 'My name is Jade Fox Mulder, I told you things in my world were weird. They were weird before I existed and always will be'