Jokes in English & Indonesian
AGGRAVATION & IRRITATION
Two men were talking. One of them wanted to know the diffrence
between 'aggravation' and 'irritation'. The other one said,
"Hand me the phone book. I'll show you the difference".
He called a number and a woman answered " hello," he said "I'd
like to speak to Joe." The woman replied sweetly, "I'm sorry,
but you have the wrong number."
The caller apologized and hung up. He wait a minute and then
redialed the woman's number. "I'd like to speak to Joe." he said
when the woman answered, "you must be the same gentleman who
called before." She said, "I'm sorry,but you have dialed the
wrong number again."
He apologized once more. A minute later, he dialed the same
number. "Let me talk to Joe" he said. The women was by now
obviously angry, "I've told you twice that there is no Joe
living here! Don't bother me again!" With that, she slammed
down the phone.
The man turned to his friend and said "That's irritation.
Now I'll show you what aggravation is." He dialed the number
again. When the women answered, he said, "This is Joe, did
anybody call me?"
ARKANSAS JOKE Passed along by Mel who lives in Arkansas. This is a true story. My family were all together recently, just hanging around at Mom and Dad's. My sister was browsing through an almanac and laughed at a little piece of trivia she had found in the book, which she then read aloud; "Did you know that a woman's breasts increase in size by 25% during sex?" My bother-in-law, a notorious joker, shot back, "So, how come yours don't?" My father, from behind his newspaper and without even a pause, replied, "You're not pumping hard enough."
JOKE 4 MOTHERS
Four mothers got together and were discussing their sons.
"Our family has a Royal blood." said the first proud woman.
"When my son enters a room, people look at him and say,
'Oh, Your Highness'"
The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters
a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Excellency'"
"My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he
enters a room, people say, 'Oh, Your Eminence'"
The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is short,
weighs 185 kilos, and bald," she said, "When he enters a room,
people look at him and say, 'Oh My God !'"
SALESMAN A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps horseshit all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it." She says, "You want tomato sauce on that? We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."
TAIWANESE BUSINESSMAN The president of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard about how fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man. The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese business at a really expensive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the accounts for the Taiwanese businessman. However, the prospective client only seems to be interested in the president's secretary. After the dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to spend some time with the man. He tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright. After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight in the eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken a back. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build." Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man, I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man nods his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "I cut. I cut."
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO MALTA (must be read with an italian accent, preferably out loud) One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina Morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I want two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better not piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I don't even know the man and he call me sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you". I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.
ACTUAL PHONE ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll
leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as
we're finished.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right..
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why
we're not here. So leave a message.
Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent
the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you
are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough
money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are
a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into
a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle
of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make
it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell
hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain
silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used
by us.
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.
Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
CHINESE NAME While visiting San Francisco, a tourist is walking through ChinaTown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Sven Olafsen's Laundry". "Sven Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Sven Olaffsen's Laundry?". The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Who's the owner?". "I am he", answers the old man. "You? How did you ever get a name like Sven Olaffsen?" The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go "What your name? He say Sven Olaffsen." She look at me..."What your name? I say Sam Ting (Same thing)."
GREAT FATHERS Three boys are in the school yard bragging of how great their fathers are. The first one says "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can shoot an arrow and starts to run. I tell you, he gets there before the arrow." The second boy says "Ha! You think that's fast. My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and gets there before the bullet." The third one listens to the first two and shakes his head. He then says, "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops work at 5pm and he is home by 4:15pm"
FUNERAL A man, sick of her nagging wife, was wandering the streets when he came upon a strange funeral procession. A man with a large dog on a leash was walking behind the hearse, and following silently behind him were hundreds of people, mostly man. The man, unable to contain his curiosity any longer, approached the man with the dog and asked who had died. "My wife", the man replied. "She must have been popular to have so many mourners. How did she die? "My dog bit her" The man suddenly had an idea. "I'II pay you 2 hundred dollars for that dog", he said to the mourning husband, hesitating slightly. "Please join the queue", came the reply, "the bidding starts right after the funeral."
DOCTOR'S JOKES
This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough
examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and
bad news, what would you like to hear first?"
Patient : Well, give me the bad news first.
Doctor : You have cancer, I estimate that you have about
two years left.
Patient : OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will
be over! What kind of good news could you probably
tell me, after this???
Doctor : You also have Alzheimer's(amnesia). In about three
months you are going to forget everything I told you.
*************
Patient : Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot
of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor : Tell me about your problem.
Patient : I just did, didn't i, you stupid bastard!!!!!
*************
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
Patient : Doctor, people ignore me.
Doctor : Next!
*************
Patient : Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will
I live longer?
Doctor : Not really. It will just seem longer.
*************
Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor.
Doctor : Your tonsils gotta come out.
Patient : I wanna second opinion.
Doctor : Okay, you're ugly, too.
*************
John : How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
Doctor : I cut your head off.
*************
Liz : I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!
Doctor : Never mind, you'll pass eventually.
Liz : But I'm the examiner!
*************
Patient : Doctor, I think I need glasses.
Teller : You certainly do. This is a bank.
*************
Doctor : Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones
in the human body?
Tom : Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
*************
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said,
"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult
you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that
I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you,"
said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that
prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change.
*************
"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table
you've ruined this month!"
*************
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber.
The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious
plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill
for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't
even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him
to finish and quietly said, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
*************
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant,
and her contractions are only two minutes apart!". "Is this
her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you *idiot*!" the man
shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
*************
Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead.
The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a
duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots
at it but misses and the bird flies away. The next bird flies
overhead, and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through
the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings,
yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises
his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone. A third bird
flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without
looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and
says, "Go see if that was a duck."
*************
After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to
help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who
announced, "Step back please! I've had a course in first
aid and I'm trained in CPR." The woman watched his procedures
for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.
"When you get to the part about calling a doctor," she
said, "I'm already here."
INDIA IS GREAT
Sometime in the late 80's there was this international
conference on Communication.
As usual there was some arguments on who is great:
French : In france, we dug dug dug, found a Aluminium wire,
so old days itself we had communication through aluminium
wires. So France is great
Russian : In russia, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug found
copper wire, so old days itself we had communication through
copper wires. So Russia is great
Englishman : In Britian, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and
dug dug dug found Brass wire, so old days itself we had
communication through brass wires. So Britain is great.
American : In US, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and dug dug
found Gold (trying to gain some weight-age)wire, so old days
itself we had communication through gold wires.
So America is great.
Indian : In Great India, we dug dug dug and dug dug dug and
dug dug dug and dug dug dug but found no wire. So in good old
days itself we had wireless communication. So India is great.
Every-one nodded with him.
ZOO
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempt
to earn some money as a street preformer. As soon as he
starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags
him into his office.
The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most
popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the
keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off.
He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until
they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and
enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's
a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun
of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a
mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he
tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that
the people are paying more attention to the lion in the
cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his
audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across
a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage.
Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd
loves it.
At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the
mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting
the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps
going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over
the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is
terrified.
The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime
is so scared that he begins to run round and round the
cage with the lion close behind.
Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling,
"Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up
at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you
idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"
GOT A MATCH? Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"
ANSWER IRON A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
DEAD RABBIT
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with
the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead
and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to
hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit
into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and
puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house,
hoping they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy,
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?". The guy stumbles around
and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?". The neighbor
replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but
the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went
outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put
him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people
out there!"
TRAFFIC VIOLATION A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window. "Good afternoon sir" "Good afternoon, any problems ?" "No sir. My partner and I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. We ascertained that you have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit by even 1 mph, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "solid driving awareness program" I would like to present you with this check for $30,000.00." The driver lets out a big sigh of relief: "Oh good ! Now I can finally pay to get my driver's license. (Ooops!)" Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat goes: "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense when he has been drinking." Grandma who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat: "Aye aye aye, didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car? " At this time the trunk pops open and a head peeks out: "Are we over the border yet?"
CAR COLLISION
Two cars collide and their drivers are thrown from their cars.
One guy is a business executive and the other is a priest.
The priest yells over,"Are u ok?"
The executive answers,"Ya!"
The priest pulls a whiskey bottle out of his pocket and offers
it to the other guy. The executive takes it and jugs about
half of it down. When he hands it back to the priest he says,
"Aren't you going to have any?" The priest says,"Nah, I'll wait
till after the police report!"
A PHONE CALL
A lawyer is trying to call his clients.
The phone rings and their little boy, in
a whisper, says, "Hello."
Lawyer: "Is your mommy there?"
Boy : (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with her?"
Boy : (whisper) "She's busy."
Lawyer: "Is your daddy there?"
Boy : (whisper) "Yes."
Lawyer: "Can I speak with him?"
Boy : (whisper) "He's busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anyone else there?"
Boy : (whisper) "The fire department."
Lawyer: "Can I talk to one of them?"
Boy : whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Is there anybody ELSE there?"
Boy : (whisper) "The police department."
Lawyer: "Well, can I talk to one of THEM?"
Boy : (whisper) "They're busy."
Lawyer: "Let me get this straight, your mother, father,
the fire department AND the police department are
ALL in your house, and they're ALL busy.
WHAT are they doing?"
Boy : (whisper) "They're looking for me."
HORNY SUPERMAN Superman was flying along one day feeling very horny. He came across Batman so he decided to ask Batman, "Hey Batman, I'm feeling horny. Do you know anyone I can fuck?" Batman told Superman, "Wonderwoman. She's the best." Superman responded, "No, I can't do that. She's a friend and it might ruin our relationship." So Superman was flying along again when he came across Spiderman. He said, "Hey Spiderman, I'm really horny. Do you know where I can get a fuck?" Spiderman said, "Wonderwoman, she's the best!" Superman said, "No I can't do that to her. Thanks anyway." He flew off again and came across Captain America. He said, "Captain America, you're the man. I am feeling SO horny, do you know where I can get laid?" Captain America replied, "Wonderwoman, she is the best fuck in Superhero Land." Superman said, "Wow, I never knew that Wonderwoman fucked so many people. Still I can't do that to her." While flying again, he saw Wonderwoman in the middle of a field, totally naked, and with her legs spread up in the air. He thought to himself, I'm faster than the speed of light, I'll be in and out before she even knows it. So, overcome with horniness, he flew down, fucked, and flew away feeling totally satisfied. Meanwhile, in the field, Wonderwoman said, "What was that?!?" The Invisible man said, "I don't know, but my ass sure hurts."
YESTERDAY
Yesterday,
all my finals seemed so far away.
Then I realized they start today.
Oh, how I long for yesterday.
Suddenly,
I no longer have the grade of "B".
Now it's looking closer to a "C".
Oh, finals came so suddenly.
I can cram, although I can blow
it off today.
Come tomorrow morn, I'll get on
my knees and pray...
Yesterday,
This was such an easy tune to play.
Now my chops are all but gone away,
My jury's a half-hour away.
What I have to show
I don't know,
the prof won't say.
I'll spell
something wrong, or I'll bomb..
.... there goes my "A"...
Yesterday.
Thought of graduating come this May.
Now it looks as though I'm here to stay,
oh, how I long for Yesterday.
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| ---, \ \ ((((((((((
`\ \~-_____| ))))))))
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ANTARIKSAWAN
Sekelompok ilmuwan antariksa internasional mengadakan
pertemuan. Kami sedang mempersiapkan diri untuk mengirim
roket ke Pluto, kata para ahli Amerika dengan bangga. Roket
itu akan berisi enam penumpang, dan akan berada di Pluto
sebulan penuh.
Itu belum seberapa bantah para ahli Rusia. Kami
sedang bersiap-siap meluncurkan kendaraan antariksa yang
dinaiki 200 manusia sebagai awal koloni kami di Uranus.
Kalian akan kalah bila dibandingkan dengan kami
kata para ahli Jerman. Kami akan mengirim sebuah roket
langsung ke Matahari. Jangan bodoh kata para ahli Amerika
dan Rusia secara serempak. Roket itu tentu akan meleleh
sebelum mencapai tujuannya .
Tidak, tidak mungkin meleleh jawab para ahli Jerman.
Karena kami akan mengirimnya pada malam hari.
ORANG GILA
Di sebuah rumah sakit gila, seorang Suster nampak heran
memperhatikan pasiennya yang nampaknya sedang mencari
sesuatu di taman bunga. Kemudian Suster tersebut datang
dan menghampiri sang pasien lalu bertanya :
Suster : Hei, Dodi saya lihat dari tadi kamu sedang
kebingungan mencari sesuatu, apa sih
yang sedang kamu cari ?
Dodi : Eee, anu Suster. Saya sedang mencari pensil saya
yang terjatuh kemarin sore.
Suster : Pensil ?!! Memangnya pensil kamu jatuh di mana ?
Dodi : Di kamar saya, Suster !
Suster : Lalu, kenapa kamu mencarinya di taman ?
Dodi : Habis kamar saya gelap sih !!!
PAIMIN
Alkisah disebuah Bar, terjadi keheningan seketika
karena tiba2 pintu bar didobrak oleh seorang preman
yang bertubuh kekar penuh tato diseluruh badannya.
Dengan muka bengis sang preman berteriak kepada
khalayak yang ada disitu.
PREMAN : Siapa yang namanya Paimin...!!!
Siapa...yang namanya Paimin....!!!
Setelah berkali2 preman itu berteriak, namun
tak ada yang mengaku semua terdiam ketakutan.
Sekali lagi preman tersebut berteriak...
PREMAN : Bangsat lu pade semuanya...
Gue itung sampe tiga, kalau nggak ada yang ngaku
gue abisin lu semuanya.
satu........dua.........ti............
tiba2 ada seorang mas2 yang maju dan mengaku....
saya...yang bernama Paimin.
Orangnya kurus ceking.
PREMAN : Jadi elu yang namanya Paimin....
Sini lu gue gampar, dari tadi gue tanyain
baru ngaku.....!!!!
Seraya sang preman melancarkan pukulan ke arah
perut mas2 tsb, shg menyebabkan tulang rusuknya patah.
Bugg......!!! si mas meraung kesakitan aduuuhhhh.......!!
kemudian tertawa cekikikan. Merasa diejek sang preman
melancarkan pukulan kedua kearah mulutnya si mas2 shg
giginya rontok semua dugg.......!!! si mas meraung
kesakitan aduuuhhhh..!! kemudian kembali tertawa cekikikan.
Begitulah seterusnya, setiap kali dipukul si mas2
tertawa walau babak belur mampus. Akhirnya sang preman
bingung dan bertanya kepada mas2 tsb.
PREMAN : kenapa sih setiap gue pukul, elu ketawa
cekikikan, padahal elu udeh mau mampus.
Dengan bangga si mas2 berkata :
MAS 2 : Bang... Abang ketipu bang......
Sebenernya saya bukan Paimin.......
SWEET SEVENTEEN
Ada seorang anak bertanya pada ibunya. "Bu, pas sweet seventeen
nanti boleh bikin pesta di rumah gak?" yah, kapan lagi anakku
bisa pesta sweet seventeen, pikir ibunya"Boleh...boleh..biar
nanti ibu siapkan"
Anak itu kembali bertanya,"Bu, ..pas sweet seventeen nanti
boleh ngundang temen2 gak?"..yahh, kapan lagi dia bisa kumpul
dgn teman2nya,pikir ibunya "Boleh, boleh..nanti ibu urus
undangannya"
Anak itu bertanya lagi,"Bu..,bu..boleh pake baju baru gak?..",
yah, hanya sekali ini dia bisa sweet seventeen, pikir ibunya,
"Boleh...boleh,nanti ibu belikan"
Pada hari ulang tahun ke 17 itu, pesta sudah dirayakan dirumahnya,
teman2nya sudah datang, anak itu memakai baju barunya dan kembali
bertanya sama ibunya. "Bu..bu, boleh pakai lipstick gak?"
"Gak boleh!" kata ibunya. "Ah..ibu, ini kan cuman terjadi sekali
dalam hidup, masa pakai lipstick aja gak boleh.." rengek anaknya
"Enggak.! Pokoknya kamu boleh bikin pesta, kamu boleh ngundang
temen2 kamu, kamu boleh pakai baju baru, tapi kamu gak boleh
pakai lipstick, Bambang!!"
SANG PERJAKA Seorang gadis desa yang lugu hendak merantau ke kota. Sebelum berangkat ibunya menyampaikan pesan. Nduk ... kalau kamu kekota dan kebetulan dapat jodoh disana, ini ada pesan dari mbokmu untuk mencari jodoh yang baik : 1. Cari pasangan yang setia. 2. Pasangan kamu harus yang hemat. 3. Calon kamu itu harus perjaka ting ting. Berangkat lah sang gadis ke kota. dan beberapa bulan kemudian dia kembali kedesanya untuk meminta doa restu ingin menikah. Mbok.., saya sudah ketemu jodoh dengan syarat seperti yang mbok sampaikan kepada saya. Waktu itu kami berjalan-jalan keliling kota. Dia selalu saja menggandeng saya dengan mesra bukankah itu tanda pasangan yang setia? Si mbok mangut-mangut. Kemudian karena kemalaman dan kehujanan kami mencari tempat berteduh dan menginap. Pacar saya ini bilang, "Dik kita nginap saja dihotel, untuk menghemat biaya bagaimana kalau kita hanya menyewa 1 kamar saja." Bukankah pacar saya orangnya hemat mbok? Untuk kedua kali simbok mangut-mangut. Dan akhirnya mbok.., saya tahu kalau pacar saya itu masih perjaka ting-ting. Langsung si mbok mendelik, "dari mana kamu tahu bahwa dia masih perjaka ting-ting?" Sang gadis langsung menjawab, "Anunya masih dibungkus plastik mbok." Si mbok langsung pingsan.
CACING Seorang kakek dan cucu sedang jalan-jalan. Karena hari panas mereka beristirahat di bawah pohon yang di depannya ada kolam ikan. Si cucu yang memang cerdas mengajukan gagasan ke si kakek. "Kek, apakah kakek mau memberi saya uang 100 rupiah, bila saya berhasil menegakkan seekor cacing tegak lurus di atas tanah?" Si kakek tak percaya. Pikirnya mana bisa. Katanya: "Oke, kalau bisa, besok kakek kasih kamu 100 rupiah." Si cucu lantas mencari cacing di pinggir kolam. Ketemu satu. Dibawanya si cacing eksperimen ke depan kakek. Lantas si cucu mengambil hair-spray dari kantong baju. Si cacing malang disemprot beberapa kali, lantas mati kaku. Dengan mudah si cucu menegakkan sang cacing tegak lurus di atas tanah. Si kakek kagum, cucunya memang pintar. Sampai di rumah ceritalah si cucu tentang janji sang kakek pada sang nenek. Si nenek mendengar penuh pesona. Karena hari sudah siang, si cucu harus tidur siang. Sore harinya si nenek mencari si cucu sambil membawa uang 200 rupiah. "100 rupiah dari si kakek, dan 100 rupiah lagi dari nenek untuk ide yang bagus." kata sang nenek. Si cucu melongo kurang paham.
FRANS & IRENE
Mudika di suatu paroki sangat aktif dalam mengikuti
kegiatan-kegiatan paroki, baik rohani maupun kegiatan-kegiatan
lainnya.
Tersebutlah beberapa orang nama aktifis mudika, kita sebut saja
namanya :
1. Irene, seorang gadis manis, pintar, aktif mengikuti Legio
Marie, Seksi Sosial, Liturgis, Koor, Kharismatik, memimpin
Bible Study, dsb. Kedua orang tua Irene juga aktif pada
kegiatan-kegiatan Paroki (Majelis/Dewan Paroki), ME, dsb.
2. Fransiscus, panggilannya Frans, seorang pemuda tampan dengan
tubuh atletis; Frans selain aktif mengikuti kegiatan-kegiatan
di paroki juga seorang organis dalam kelompok koor di paroki.
Dalam pertemuan-pertemuan yang sering diadakan oleh kelompok
Mudika, Frans selalu mempunyai ide-ide yang cemerlang dan
bermanfaat.
Frans & Irene sering bekerja sama di dalam menjalankan kegiatan-
kegiatan di Mudika, mereka selalu bekerja sama, "tiada Frans
tanpa Irene" atau "Ada Irene ada Frans", demikian ungkapan
teman-teman Mudika yang lain. Teman-teman Mudika yang lain
sering mengolok-olokan dan menjodohkan mereka berdua, mereka
hanya tersenyum saja.
Sampai pada suatu hari. Sehabis mengikuti Misa Sabtu Sore,
mereka mengikut Bible Study (KKS = Kelompok Kitab Suci, Ind.),
yang diadakan di samping gereja. Sepulang dari Bible Study,
hari belum begitu malam, Frans akan mengantarkan Irene pulang
ke rumah dengan mobilnya. Di dalam mobil,
Frans : "Irene, bagaimana kalau kita makan dulu di Pecenongan?"
Irene : "Terserah kamu saja Frans."
Setelah makan;
Frans : "Irene, bagaimana kalau kita jalan-jalan dulu? Malam
ini 'kan malam minggu besok hari libur."
Irene : "Terserah kamulah Frans."
Mobil melaju dari pecenongan ke arah pantai utara, dimana
banyak mobil-mobil lain memarkirkan kendaraannya di tepi
pantai, demikian pula Frans memarkir kendaraannya di tepi
pantai, mereka tidak turun dari mobil, hanya duduk-duduk saja
di dalam mobil mendengarkan musik, bercerita dari satu hal ke
hal yang lain, hingga akhirnya mereka kehabisan bahan untuk
bercerita lagi. Irene & Frans berdiam diri sambil mendengarkan
alunan musik. Lalu ... tiba-tiba.... Frans meletakkan tangannya
di atas paha (maaf diatas pangkuan) Irene, tetapi Irene hanya
diam saja, beberapa detik kemudian 'si tangan' tsb bergerak
beberapa inci (hanya beberapa inci) dan Irene...menggumam :
"Mmmm.....", lalu : "Frans, Ingatlah pada Amsal 15."
Setelah mendengarkan perkataan Irene tentang Amsal 15, walaupun
tidak tahu atau lupa akan isinya, Frans langsung menarik
tangannya, ia merasa disadarkan seketika itu juga :
"Maafkan saya."
Irene : "Tak apa"
Mereka pulang. Di rumah, Frans langsung masuk kamar dan
mengambil kitab suci, membuka Amsal 15, isinya :
"....teruskanlah, jalanmu sudah benar."
Frans : "???"
TUSUK GIGI Suatu hari, sang Nyonya Majikan super irit dan pembantunya yang sedang punya masalahdgn giginya berdialog begini: Nyonya (sambil berkacakpinggang): Hai, gimana kamu nih, tusuk gigi baru dibeliin sehari udah habis! emangnya kamu buang kemana! Pembantu (agak ketakutan): Maaf Nyonya, tusuk giginya saya pakai, habis gigi saya berlubang, sering banyak yang nyangkut di gigi, maaf sekali lagi Nyonya, saya berjanji tidak akan menghabiskan tusuk gigi lagi. Seminggu kemudian terjadi lagi dialog antar keduanya, Nyonya: Nah ini baru pembantu yang baik, bahkan tusuk gigipun irit pakainya. Ngomong-2 gimana dgn gigimu? udah sembuh semua? nggak berlubang? Pembantu: Tidak Nyonya, ini gigi tetep aja berlubang, abis sudah dari sononya begini. (maksudnya defaultnya, red) Nyonya: Lho jadi? kamu masih perlu tusuk gigi? pakai apa selama ini? koq tusuk gigi di meja masih keliatan utuh? Pembantu: Ya tetap pakai tusuk gigi itu Nyonya, Setiap kali abis saya pakai, saya kembalikan lagi. Nyonya: HAH??
ONTA Suatu hari, setelah berbulan-bulan mengembara dari satu oasis ke oasis lainnya, Musafir tiba-tiba merasakan dorongan sex yang amat besar, dan ia bingung gimana cara melampiaskan nafsu sexnya itu. Kemudian terlintaslah ide 'miring' di benaknya.... kenapa nggak gue 'tembak' aja si Onta ini ? Pikirnya lumayan juga daripada nggak ada yang bisa membantu melampiaskan nafsunya. Lalu dia cari akal. Diikatnya si Onta pada sebuah batu, lalu ditumpuknya barang-2 nya di belakang si Onta dan ia naik ke atas tumpukan barangnya agar mencapai posisi strategis di belakang onta untuk melaksanakan hajatnya. Namun merasa didorong-2 sesuatu, setiap kali si musafir itu mendorong, si Onta bergerak maju sehingga si musafir semakin geregetan saja karena sssuuuuusssaaaahhhh buaaaannget masukin 'anunya'. Bahkan saking nafsunya dia, akhirnya dia terjatuh waktu si Onta bergerak maju. Namun kalo nafsu sudah diubun-2, pantang nyerah deh si Musafir, sekali lagi ia naik ke tumpukan barang-2nya dan dipegangnnya ekor si Onta. Merasa ada yg pegang ekornya, si Onta malah makin galak sehingga si Musafir terjatuh lagi. Diam-2 dari balik batu ada seorang wanita yang memperhatikan gerak-2 si Musafir. Ia tersesat dan secara kebetulan sampai didekat Musafir setelah berhari-2 tidak makan dan minum. Melihat si Musafir punya banyak perbekalan, walaupun tingkahnya menurut dia aneh sekali, ia memberanikan diri mendekat dan menyapa si Musafir : 'Oom Musafir......' he..he.... kaget deh si Musafir, nggak nyangka akan ketemu seorang wanita sendirian di padang pasir yang gersang ini. 'ehhh.....ooohhh.... ada apa Nona ?' kata Musafir sambil menarik kembali celananya ke atas dan sedikit malu. 'saya tersesat dan sudah beberapa hari ini tidak makan dan minum, bolehkah saya minta sedikit makanan dan minuman yg Oom punya ?' tanya si wanita. Si Musafir terdiam sejenak, dia masih shock karena bertemu wanita ini. Melihat si Oom Musafir terdiam, lalu wanita itu segera bicara lagi 'sebagai imbalan makanan dan minumannya, saya bersedia melakukan apa saja untuk oom' Si musafir kembali terdiam dan berpikir sejenak, lalu dia menjawab : 'Oke lah.... makan dan minumlah sekarang' setelah makan dan minum, wanita itu lalu kembali bertanya 'terima kasih oom, saya udah kenyang dan tidak dahaga lagi, sekarang giliran saya untuk membalas kebaikan budi Oom. Silakan Oom bilang apa yang Oom inginkan dari saya' Dengan sedikit malu-malu, si musafir bertanya : 'Benarkah kamu mau melakukan apa yg saya minta ?" 'pasti Oom......' kata wanita itu, sambil membayangkan apa yg akan diminta oleh si Oom. Lalu dengan pipi memerah si Musafir akhirnya bicara lagi 'Baiklah nona, tentunya Nona sudah melihat apa yg tadi sedang saya lakukan terhadap Onta saya, kali ini benarkah Nona mau membantu saya ?' 'Pasti....' jawab si wanita tidak sabar menunggu si Musafir menyampaikan hasratnya. Akhirnya si Musafir tidak malu-2 lagi dan meminta : 'Baiklah Nona, tolong saya pegangin Onta ini dari depan supaya ia tidak bergerak maju'
MENTAHNYA AJA ENAK..APALAGI... Seorang ibu rumah tangga muda telah diajukan ke sidang pengadilan dan diancam hukuman berat, karena telah membunuh suaminya dengan cara memotong alat vital suaminya pada saat suaminya tertidur kecapaian. Lebih sadisnya lagi si ibu muda ini juga menggoreng alat vital suaminya. Saat di persidangan hakim bertanya ke pada ibu muda ini, " Apa alasan saudari memotong alat vital suami saudari dan menggorengnya, padahal saudari adalah penganten baru ?" Jawab ibu muda itu dengan sesenggukan., " Oh ala pak Hakim, lha wong mentahnya aja enak apa lagi matengnya "
BUKA CABANG Ada seorang pengemis yang berdiri di pinggir jalan dengan memegang 2 buah topi yang lubangnya menengadah keatas di kedua tangannya. Datang seorang pejalan kaki dan memasukan uang kesalah satu topi sambil bertanya : Pejalan kaki : Pak, kenapa bapak memegang 2 buah topi ? apa fungsi topi yang satunya ? Pengemis : Saat ini dunia bisnis sedang mengadakan perluasan dimana-mana, jadi saya memutuskan untuk membuka kantor cabang.
CONTOH SI AYAM Suatu kali sepasang suami isteri pergi berlibur ke suatu peternakan ayam di pinggir kota. Yang empunya peternakan menemani si suami isteri melihat-lihat "isi" peternakannya. Tiba-tiba seekor ayam jantan lalu di depan mereka, mengejar si ayam betina. Ketika "dapat" langsung saja "diterkam". Anehnya si ayam betina tak memberikan perlawanan. "Kejadian" ini tak luput dari perhatian si empu peternakan dan si suami isteri. "Pak, berapa kali si ayam jantan ini "menerkam" si ayam betina sehari?" tanya sang isteri. "Ya, kira-kira empat atau lima kali sehari," jawab si empu. Si isteri terbelalak, lalu memandang si suami: "Pak, apa kamu nggak dengar itu?" Si suami tak kaget lalu mengajukan pertanyaan kepada si empu: "Pak, sudah berapa ayam betina yang "diterkam" si ayam jantan ini?" "Kami punya banyak kandang ayam. Dalam satu kandang ada satu ayam jantan kami tempati di dalam dua puluh ekor ayam betina," jawab si empu. "Bu, apa kamu nggak dengar itu?"
DOKTER BEDAH Dudi baru saja siuman setelah menjalani operasi, dan dia melihat ada dua orang pasien lain yang berada di dekat tempat tidurnya, dengan rasa lega ia berkata: "Syukurlah semuanya sudah berlalu...". "Jangan terlalu yakin", kata Febri yang tidur disebelah kanan tempat tidurnya. "Kemarin mereka meninggalkan karet busa di dalam perutku, dan aku harus menjalani operasi sekali lagi....!" Prima yang berada disebelah kiri tempat tidurnya menyela: "Kemarin dulu, aku juga mengalami pembedahan tulang, karena mereka meninggalkan sebuah perkakasnya di dalam perutku..". Tepat pada saat itu , Dokter muncul di depan pintu dan berseru: "Apakah ada yang melihat topi saya ....????" Dudi : Hhhhhaaaaaahhhhhh........
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Last modified: April 1st, 1996
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