How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb? - OOOOOnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeee

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? - Because they all have phones

Did ya hear that Willie Nelson got hit by a car? - He was playing On the Road again.

Why do gorillas have such big nostrils? - because gorillas have big fingers

Whats the difference between brocolli and boogers? - kids won't eat brocolli

The guy at the bar was looking very depressed so the bartender asked him what was wrong - "Me and my wife had a fight and she said that she wouldn't talk to me for thirty days........and the month is up tomorrow"

The great philosopher Descarte walked into a bar and the bartender asked him if he wanted a beer - Descarte replied "I think not" - and Descarte dissappeared

The little pig got up from the bar after a long evening of inbibing and the bartender asked him if he wanted to know where the bathroom was - "No, I'm the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the way home"

Yo momma is soooo fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make 2 trips!

(Re above - Rene Descarte - I think, therefore I joke)

A woman came into a bar and asked the bartender for a "Double Entendre" - so he gave her one (Paula Poundstone didn't get that joke, nor did most of the audience - I guess ya just gotta have a dirty mind)

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb - 20 - one to hold the bulb and nineteen to drink until the room spins around

Did you hear about the wedding between the 2 antennas? - the ceremony was lousy but the reception was great!

How can you tell different banjo songs apart? - they all have different names

If at first you don't succeed at sky-diving, you betta find a different hobby!

Did you hear that the Stop and Shop stores in New England merged with the A and P stores - now they are called "Stop and P"

Yoo moma is so short that her feet show on her drivers license

Mr Bigga and Mrs Bigga had a baby - but he is bigger than them because he is "a little Bigga"

Economists have predicted 9 out of the last 5 recessions

Yoo moma is sooo ugly that if she was a dog she would walk backwards and wag her head

How many lawyers does it take to shingle a roof? - depends on how thin you slice them

Why was astrology invented? - to make economists look like scientists!

How many brewers does it take to change a light? - the same number that it takes to change a regular!

What do Eskimoos get if they sit on the ice too long? - Polaroids!

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Subject: Fw: The origin of junk food
Subject: The origin of junk food

In the beginning God created the heavens and the Earth.
And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness 
was upon the face of the deep. And Satan said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light.
And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb 
yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and 
God saw that it was good.
And Satan said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth."
And so God created Man in his own image; male and female he created them.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they werelean and fit.
And Satan said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of 
all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And 
McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want
fries with that?"
And Man said, "Supersize them."
And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter.
And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad
cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cableTV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to 
change channels between ESPN and ESPN2.
And Man gained another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeledoff the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them.
And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and 
ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol.
And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And Satan created HMOs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. 

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typed up by Peter Szerlag - June 20, 1999 - Updated - 22Oct00